Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 12 - Fish - full transcript

A look at Fish's home life results when he decides to go on restricted duty. Steve Landesberg steps in as Arthur Dietrich. Doris Belack substitutes for Florence Stanley as Bernice Fish.

The man is gonna work
until the day he retires.

He's not gonna
take terminal leave.

I don't have to ask
him. I know him.

Yes, I've seen his
medical records. So what?

So he's got bad feet.

Know anybody
that's got good feet?

Yes, I've seen the rest of it.

Kidney stone, gallbladder...

compressed disc...


I should think you'd
be proud of a man

who could work
under those conditions.

Hello, hello. Good morning.

How's everything this morning?

Boy, you're feeling
chipper today.

I found a great new cereal.

Doctors' Bran.

I slept like a log.

You eat cereal before
you go to sleep?

What else have I got to do?

Well, they're
cutting down again.

They just closed
the 33rd Precinct.

Half the men have been laid off.

Half are being reassigned.

We picked up one.

Detective Third
Grade Arthur Dietrich.

Dietrich? I went
through the Academy

with a guy named Dietrich.

That was in 1937.

I wonder if it's the same guy.

Probably is.

All the guys that
are getting laid off

weren't even born in 1937.

Don't be so pessimistic.

We've been through this before.

Yeah, yesterday, right?

City's having trouble
meeting its payroll.

What are you gonna
do? They'll work it out.

Bond issue, federal loan.


I tell ya, I can't
understand it.

The greatest city in the
world and we're going broke.

It's the off-track betting.

The losers are all in New York,

and the winners
are all in New Jersey.

Uh, Captain Miller?

- Barney, someone to see you.
- Yes?

They sent me over from
the 3-3. I'm Arthur Dietrich.

Oh, welcome to the 1-2.

This is, uh, Detective Fish...

Hello. How you doing?
Wojciehowicz, Yemana.

How are you?

Uh, you must be
older than you look.

I am. I'm 28.

Okay, uh...

we can, uh, get a desk for you.

You can use Harris'.
He's still in court.

Wojo will, uh, show you
where the lockers are,

and, uh, for the time being,
I'd like you to work with Fish.

You're gonna learn,
learn from the best.

Thank you.

How many guys
they lay off at the 3-3?

Oh, there was about, uh, 26
uniforms and nine detectives.

What about the older
cops? The better cops?

Well, I'm afraid we've
lost some of the older cops,

but then we lost some
of the better ones too.

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So you want me to teach
him everything I know.

Who better?

And when he knows
everything I know, then what?

Then hopefully we'll have
another man as good as you.

We always got along with
one man as good as me.

What do we need two for?

We'd like to make
things easier for you.

Restricted duty.

So, what would be
so terrible about it?

Fish, I got your
medical form here.

Would it be so awful if
you didn't work so hard?

Restricted duty would
be embarrassing.

Come on. You've
got, what, a year to go?

You've earned the
right to relax a little.

And with a guy like,
uh, Dietrich, well-trained,

he could take up the slack if
you decided to take some leave.

You got a lot of leave
time coming, you know.

I don't feel so good.

Doesn't surprise me.

You know a cereal
called Doctors' Bran?

I've heard of it.

Don't eat it. It's bad luck.

There's the men's room.

How long has it been like that?

It's better since
the bulb burned out.

- Uh, Dietrich?
- Yes, sir.

We've been running down a
list of apartment house burglaries.

These are the latest
from Manhattan South.

Fish has the rest. Okay.

Uh, I got the latest
from Manhattan South

on those apartment
house burglaries.

My, my, only here five minutes

and you're already
burning up the course.

Well, I just wanna pay my way.

Pull my weight?

Do my bit?

What I mean is, I'm
just trying to help.

I'm going out to lunch.

Hey, I can handle that too.
Where you wanna go? It's on me.

I'm going home, alone.

By myself?

Without you?

Oh, th-thanks very
much, that's not necessary.

I... I like to... I read
a lot at lunch anyway.

No, thank you, I
appreciate it, really.

Eh, it's okay, I
mean it. It's okay.

Really. Thanks very
much. I'll... I'll be fine.

Thank you.


You haven't eaten anything.

I'm not hungry.

You came home for lunch.

I went to the
mountains for my health.

Did I get any?

What is that?

A tuna fish omelet.

Tell me what happened.

What makes you think
something happened?

You've been home for lunch
three times since Roosevelt died.

I just got tired of
sandwiches all the time,

and thought I'd come
home for something different.

I'm very glad.

You got something different?

I'm sorry.

I thought you
always liked tuna fish.

I could take anything
when Roosevelt was alive.

What time does Beverly get home?

The usual time.

Bernice, I'm a detective.

I can't accept an
answer like that.

I'm used to details.

Four, 6, 2:30, a quarter to 9.

Is something wrong with Beverly?

I'm just making conversation.

It looks like we're gonna

have to learn how to
do a lot of that, Bernice.

If anybody calls, I'm not
home. Take a message.

Except Howard.

If he calls,

say something
filthy and hang up.

What happened?

My back is ready to
go out from tension.

One shoe off
keeps my hips level.

I never heard of that.

It runs in some families...

like German shepherds.

I don't have that.

You don't need it. I got it.

If that's Howard,
tell him I'm not here.

Howard? Beverly isn't here.

- It isn't Howard.
- I'm a detective.

My name is Arthur Dietrich.

Tell him I'm not here.

There's nobody here.


Could I have a glass of water?

Can I give him some water?

Let him in, Bernice.

Hello, Mrs. Fish? Yes.

In case you didn't hear me,
my name is Arthur Dietrich.

I'm a detective.

How do you do? How do you do?

Please come in.

Hiya, sarge.


Oh, that's my daughter Beverly.

I'm Arthur Dietrich.
I'm a detective.

In case you didn't hear
me through the door.

I don't mean to intrude,

but I thought if you
were finished eatin' lunch,

we could check some
of these apartments.

There's a few right in
the neighborhood, here.

I'm not finished yet.

Oh, thank you.

That looks great.

Excuse me.

She handles that
well, doesn't she?

You want some ketchup?

No, thanks. This is fine.

Ahem. And by the
way, congratulations.

I'm not finished yet.

No, I mean on
your restricted duty.

Restricted duty?

Sure, he deserves it.

Take it easier, shorter hours,

no more unnecessary chances.

Thank you for the
water, Mrs. Fish.

Those first two apartments
are on, uh, 23rd Street.

Get someone else to
go to 23rd Street with you.

I'm going for a walk.

Look, there's no rush.

Day's almost over anyway.

I can meet you at the
precinct in the morning.

I'm not gonna be
there in the morning.

I'm not gonna be there ever.

I quit.

I don't know where he went.

He just said he quit,
and he walked out.

No, that's okay.

It's fresh.

Thank you.

Yes, sir. I'll stick around.

Uh, the captain wants
me to wait for him.

He'll be back soon.

Do you have any
idea where he went?

He went to the park.

He always goes
there when he quits.

He feeds the pigeons.

I can't imagine him
feeding the pigeons.

Well, actually, he buys day-old
bread and throws it at them.

Excuse me.

Don't answer it. It's Howard.

What did he do?

Nothing I wish to
discuss at the moment.

You want me to
handle that for you?

Uh, can you say, "Go
away, Beverly is busy"

in a very masculine voice?

Go away.

Beverly is busy.

He sounds just
like Gregory Peck.

Yeah, I know. I can't help it.

Do it again.

Go away.

Beverly is busy.

That's really very good.

Thank you.

Go away.

Beverly is busy.

I don't know if he can
hear you from here.

All right.


go away.

Beverly is busy.

We've made other plans,

and they don't include you.

This isn't Howard, Mr. Peck.

It's Biff.


Biff Woltman. He's in
my sex education class.

What is it, Biff?

You said you wanted
to see me after class.

I meant at school.

Well, I thought I'd
make it easier on you.

This is Biff Woltman.

You know my mother?
Hello, Mrs. Fish.

Hello, Biff.

This is Mr. Dietrich.


How you doing? Okay.

Well, who did Gregory Peck?

I did.

Wasn't it good?

Do it again.

All right.

Go away.

Beverly is busy.

Hey, that's good. Thank you.

Are you an actor?

No, I'm a cop.

I thought about
being an actor, though.

In college I was
Nick the bartender

in The Time of Your Life.

You know the play?
Yeah. William Saroyan.

That's right.

Well, anyway,

it was opening night,
it was a rainy night,

and hardly anybody showed up.

So around, like, the second
act, everybody got bored.

And a couple of years
later I became a cop.

You want some water? No, thanks.

I wanna talk to Miss Fish
about why I'm giving up

my sex education classes.

What's the matter, too
much homework? No.

I'm just losing interest
in everything else.


Uh, uh, just a moment,
please, Howard.

It's Howard.

Howard, we have nothing
more to say to each other.

I am not stupid, Howard.

You could have been more
honest with me, Howard.

You could've found a moment
somewhere to say to me:

"Beverly, I'm married."

Oh! I knew it. I
knew he was married.

He used to pick her up
for dinner at a quarter of 4.

That's right, Howard.

For 14 months you used me,

and I don't wanna
be used anymore.

I went to the park.

Are you all right?

I feel fine. I took a walk.

I got some fresh air and
sunshine because I deserve it.

Beverly is talking to
Howard on the phone.

He's married.

Good. I never liked him anyway.


it's all right with me.

Whatever you've made
up your mind to do,

wherever you go, I am
with you 100 percent.

Bernice, don't start up with me.

Thank you. Anytime.

Biff, you better
get back to school.

Lunch period is almost over.

I knew he was married.

The way he was sneaking
around the school all the time.

Goodbye, Mr. Dietrich.

I'll see you, Biff.

Take care of her.

How did it go?

I think I can put
my shoe back on.

It's a miracle.

I think he really
means it this time.

I think you'd better go.

Maybe it would help
if I talked to him?

How long have you
known him, Mr. Dietrich?

Just met him today.

Talk to him.
He'll listen to you.

I, uh... I feel badly about
what happened this morning.

You got nothing to do with it.

Sure I do.

You thought seniority
would... Would protect you.

Expected an older cop
to come into the 1-2,

instead you got me.

Well, I guess it
isn't your fault.


I'm just a symbol
of your misery...

like the black man
after the Civil War.

How old do you think
I am, for God's sake?

Nice shot.

They ruined every hat I got.

I wanna ask you for a favor.

They're laying off older
cops and younger cops.

Depends on their record.

They're not gonna let
you go, not with this.

Three commendations:
1950, '57, '62.

Ah, politics.

Medal of Valor, so on, so on.

"Conspicuous bravery
and total disregard

"for his personal safety
in coming to the aid

"of his fellow officers

"reflects utmost honor on him

"and is in the highest tradition

of the New York City
Police Department."

Where'd you find that?


I figure after this,

restricted duty
is like a privilege.

So now that you schmeared me
pretty good, what do you want?

I want one of these.

I need this job.

I figured you could help me.

It's lucky for you
I'm a vain man.

I made some tea.

Oh, no thanks, Mrs. Fish.

Uh, I don't like to mix
cold water with hot.

I'm gonna be late
for my last class.


Goodbye, Miss Fish.

Nice meeting you. Thank you.

Uh, now that you and
Howard have called it quits,

maybe I could call you sometime.

Howard means
nothing to me anymore.

It's Biff you've
gotta worry about.

Enough already.

We'll have plenty
of time for that later...

I'm afraid.

Goodnight, Mrs. Fish.

Thank you.

Good news, gentlemen.

The city of New York has
enough money for another day.

Duty roster for tomorrow.

Chano, you and Harris.

Uh, Nick, you and
Wojo on regular tours.

And Dietrich will be
alternating the rest of the week.

I... I thought, uh, Dietrich
was working with Fish.

Well, from the last
information I got,

it appears that, uh,

Fish may be taking
terminal leave.

Apparently, he, uh,
prefers it to restricted duty.

Ain't gonna be the same
around here without him.

Yeah, Fish is, uh...

Is the closest thing
I've had to a father

since I've been in New York.

Yeah, we're all gonna miss him.

Ah, it's a good
thing I got bad feet.

The way they feel right now,

if I had good feet,
I'd be worried.

It's gonna be a pleasure not to
have to go through this anymore.

Fish, uh, I want you to know...

that I think you are the finest
cop I've ever worked with.

That goes for me too.

I'll miss you, Fish.

Who put my medical
report on the bulletin board?

I just happened to mention
that it looked like you were

gonna be taking
your terminal leave,

and, uh, we wouldn't
be seeing much of you.

Look, you can't stop the
years from passing by.

There comes a time when
changes have to be made.

Someone younger and stronger
comes along to fill your shoes,

and a person has to, uh,

gracefully step aside.

Well, I'm not
willing to do that.

The way I figure, I'm worth
more on restricted duty

than all of you put
together on full time.

Goodnight, gentlemen.

You can finish
that in the morning.

Yeah, I wanted to get this done,

but there's no O
on this typewriter.

That's the one where you gotta
use the Q and erase the tails.


I was gonna fill in the C's.

I guess there's no
substitute for experience.

Goodnight. Goodnight, captain.

See you in the
morning, bright and early.

Crack of dawn?

Up with the birds?