Balls Deep (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - T-Girls - full transcript

**

Chanel: I started transition,
like, at 33.

Like, I'm gonna be 41 now.

To be honest, I didn't even know

that that community existed.

Like, to me, you was
either gay or lesbian,

although I never
considered myself a gay man.

I always felt like a woman.

Thomas: Is 33 late
to start transitioning?

It's never too late
to start transitioning.

Thomas: The difference
between gender and sex



is something most people
outside of college students

don't give much thought to.

In essence, sex is what your
body is biologically born as,

whereas gender is described
by gender studiers

like Judith Butler,

is a social role you form
in everyday life.

As a cisgender male,

it's easy to take for granted

that my sex and gender
are roughly equivalent.

Even having a term
for it like cis

is something of a novelty to me

but for members of
the trans-community,

whose sex and gender
don't align,

this distinction is the defining
fact of their lives.



Last two years seemed
to heighten awareness

of trans-people
across mainstream America,

from successful depictions
of trans-life

such as tangerine
and transparent

to those chuckleheads down
in North Carolina

trying to legislate
who can use what bathroom.

The media has chosen to tell
the story of trans-rights

through the lens
of trans-celebrities

such as Caitlyn Jenner
and Laverne Cox.

But suffice to say
the average trans-woman

is neither a Caitlyn Jenner
nor Laverne Cox.

They don't have those kind
of resources at their disposal

nor the full support
of Hollywood.

Ti'aira Chanel
and Chanel "International,"

no relation, are two trans-women
who live in the Bronx.

Chanel works for a trans
and gay rights advocacy group

and started her transition
a little on the later side.

Ti'aira, on the other hand,
is in her early 20s

from Memphis, Tennessee,

and just graduated
from a life of sex work.

Friday night, we're on
the Christopher Street Pier,

it's been epicenter for,

I guess both the gay community
and specifically

the trans community for at least

as long as it's been since
they shot "Paris is Burning."

Ti'aira used to do
sex work out here,

now she comes and I think
just hangs out with friends.

Why do you pat
my belly fat like that?

You know I'm mad fucking fat.

Thomas: Got out of that racket,
fortunately,

but it's still the spot,
it's where you come to hang out.

You see her body?
Look her booty.

- Oh, wow.
- [ Laughing ]

That's that good chocolate.

Made with buttermilk.

[ Laughing ]

Ti'aira: I used to work
out here doing sex work.

The stroll is over there.

You can turn dates over there,

I would turn dates
all through here.

Thomas: How did you end up
coming to the --

starting to come out here
to the pier?

How did you know about it?

I started doing this
when I was like 18

because somebody, like,
told me about this

and then that's when
I started coming out here.

Man, I had to sleep out here
at one point

before I got myself together.
- Really?

You know, I sleep
all the way over there.

I sit at Port Authority,

all types of shit
back in those days.

You know, I don't never be
like, you know,

"Oh, my God," like some people,

they be like, "You homeys
went through this."

I thank God for every aspect
that I went through in my life

'cause it made me
who the fuck I am.

- Yeah.
- And I won't take it back,

I won't regret nothing.
- How long ago was that?

Um, I just stopped, like,
sex work, you know,

like, over six months ago, so...

- Okay.
- It's a little over six months.

Pretty recent.

Now, is there -- is there
a lot of HIV these days still?

- Yeah.
- Among trans-girls?

I figured it -- you know,

you don't hear about it
in the news as much.

Because our people
are now, like, open,

you know what I'm saying,
about it.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know, like I am

and I'm open about it.
- Right.

You know, and I help people

within my community,
you know, who are.

I don't care who,
you know what I'm saying?

Because at the end of day,

they haven't been
through the struggles

that I have and that's
why I feel like

it's very important

that they raise trans jobs
so a lot of people

don't resort to no
fucking sex work

so they won't be in my shoes.

- Yeah.
- You know what I'm saying?

Chanel: This is what they call
the drag-queen process.

[ Laughing ]

All of this just for three
minutes of, of being on stage.

Have you ever worn makeup?

- Um, not a lot of it.
- Not a lot of it?

I used to be like kind of goth
in high school,

so I put on, like,
eye makeup and shit.

You know I was gothic
at one point?

- Were you?
- Oh my God!

I always had this obsession
of wanting to be a vampire.

Ooh. Is what you do --
do you consider it drag,

or is that a different thing?

So back then, we didn't like
being called drag queens

because of, you know,
drag queens are men

that live as men

and dress up as women.
- Okay, yeah.

At first they came up
with this dumb titty queens.

Shit.

And I was like, "Ohhh,"

so, you know,
but then a couple of girls

started saying, "No, honey,
we're showgirls."

Who came up with titty queens?

[ Laughs ]

What's the feelings in, like,
the LGBT world about passing?

Is that considered being
in the closet or is it --

Well, passing means
that, you know,

you can just go anywhere

and, like, any regular,
normal cisgender individual.

People don't look at it

as, like, turning away
from the community?

Because if anything,
like, I applaud it

when a trans-girl goes
for the full surgery

and, you know, just lives
a productive life.

What have you had done

and what do you want
to get done?

Right now, I'm just
chemically castrated.

And so that's just to --
to stop the testosterone?

Yeah.

This is what
I'm putting on my nipples.

How do they stay?
Is there, like, an adhesive?

Man: Um, crazy glue.

Oh, okay, doesn't that
pull off your skin

when you take them off?

Ah, pain is beauty.

What you thinking about,
Thomas? Hmm?

Excited for the performance.

- Oh, yeah.
- I am too.

I can't imagine.

Here you go.

Yes, Thomas I got you
dressing me now.

[ Laughing ]

Try to be helpful.

Woman: Okay, ladies and
gentlemen, our next entertainer.

She's an activist,
she's a model,

she's a performer and she's also
one of my drag sisters.

Well, she's not a drag,
she's a woman.

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give it up

for Chanel "International."

Make some noise,
I want to hear some noise.

Make noise over there,
Over here, make noise.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

* You ain't never met a girl

* I'm different, I know

* They tell me stop and I go

* They think that
I should fit in *

* I think it's cool
that I don't *

* ...in the room, I know

* You ain't never met
a girl like me *

* You ain't never met
a girl like me *

* You ain't never met
a girl like me *

[ Applause ]

Thomas: Chanel, in addition
to being a performer

is also a sort of trans-mom

to a young family of gay men.

It's kind of a survival
mechanism for people

whose real families may have,

you know, kicked them out over
their realized identity.

You know, is, like,
organizing families --

is that, like, common
in the community?

It's real common
in the community

because as I have said,
a lot of parents

don't accept their kids

when they're coming
out of the closet

or even transitioning.

So, it's the only crew
who I feel safe with.

Has she always been
in this building?

Oh, my God, I was born
and raised here.

I don't have the key,

so it's gonna get ghetto
right now.

[ Laughing ]

It took a little for my mom
to come around.

She was just a little confused.

Like, "Okay,
what's going on?"

Grandma?

This is my mommy,
come here, Mom.

Actually can you do
a braid on me

because it's way too hot?

I need my neck to breathe.

Did I tell you
how I got the name Chanel?

Thomas: No, I was gonna
ask you that.

Oh, my God,
that feels so much better.

So, when she came
to the United States

she couldn't afford
nothing, right?

So when she started working,
her first perfume was Chanel.

- Number five?
- Number five.

She gave me the --
she gave me the name Chanel,

and she didn't even know
what it was for.

[ Laughing ]

When did you tell your mom
and grandma about...

Like you know who knew?
My sister Sarah.

I had, like, an idea with that,

but then one day
we went to a wedding,

we went outside to...
[speaks Spanish]

And he...

And she.

I keep getting confused.

And she mentioned
something about it.

So I told her
remember to this day,

I said, "Whatever
decision you make,

I'm gonna support you,

I'm with you, but remember
that any decision

that you make, it was not gonna
affect just you.

it's gonna affect your family

and all your friends,
so think about it."

And we come out
of this wedding and --

Chanel: Mom was --
you was upset a little

'cause you thought
you did something wrong.

But that was because he --
she called me.

[ Laughing ]

At the moment, you know,
I felt bad, I said,

"You know, what did
I do wrong?"

Yeah, I was like, "Mom,
you didn't do nothing.

You are fine. I've
always been like this,

you know, there's nothing wrong.

I'm miserable
being the person --

I'm in the wrong body."

Yeah, she has gone
through a lot,

um, lot of things I didn't know,

was unaware of,
but I'm very proud of her,

she has helped a lot of people.

Bye.

Bye, mom.

Bye.

Thomas: We talked about
going out tonight.

- Like, go to the stroll area?
- Yeah.

There's actually a stroll
over here, Fordham.

Oh, yeah?
Old Fordham.

- Yeah.
- Oh, by the university?

Yeah, what do you
know about that?

'Cause you was like,
"Old Fordham."

Well, I know --

- Are you gay?
- No, I'm not.

Oh, okay.
I was going to say,

'cause like Butch Queens
be out there, too.

Okay, what are Butch Queens?

Butch Queens is for gay men
that like men.

Okay.

I thought you were
a Butch Queen, I'm sorry.

- Oh, okay, yeah.
- You see, you know,

some people just be thinking
wrong shit, you know.

- That's fine, yeah.
- And I might be into that.

Yeah, I thought you was gay
and I was like,

"Oh, what the fuck do you know
about out there?

Are you out there tricking?"
- Yeah. No.

You was like, "Oh, yeah,
Fordham."

I was like, "Shit."

It's gonna be return
of the queen coming out here.

Stand down here by myself

between the cars,
see the headlights

and, like, zoom out here,
show a little titty.

Yeah.

Show a little titties
or something

and see exactly are they trying
to pick up or whatever.

How you doing?
Good.

Cha cha.

[ Laughs ]
Cha cha.

I haven't seen you forever.

I know I am.
You see how big.

I done blew up, bitch.

Miss Makai: How are you?

- Hello, how you doing?
- Look at the full moon.

I see her, I got my candles
in my house now.

One day or two that I'm out here

'cause it's not my usual.

I live out in Staten Island.

Thomas: You come all the way
up here

from Staten Island?

- I sure do.
- Wow.

I come -- I come to tip toes
for the tulips.

We are getting a sightseeing
tour of the oldest --

this is the Drum Avenue stroll?

What's the name
of this stroll, Fordham?

Yeah, the Fordham stroll.

Fordham stroll...
that Ti'aira used to...

Did you say you stroll here
or is it just a stroll?

- It's a stroll.
- Okay.

There's probably
like many, many more,

but this is the only one
that I knew about, like,

this is the one that girls
like, "Okay,

this is where we're going
to go make our money,"

and this is where
I actually make money at.

This was like the mirror
that I used to check on

back in the day

I remember there used
to be me right there,

Yummy right there.

We used to be switching.

Yo, this shit was crazy.

This was the shit.

This is where we going
to school at.

Starting in the fall.

I actually got accepted.

Just got to do
a couple of paperwork.

That's crazy, so
you're going to...

This is Monroe, where you're going?
Yeah.

That's where you used to stroll.

This was the stroll.
That's got to be strange.

I never knew, like,
even back then, I never knew

that I will be going
to school right here,

let alone living in the Bronx
in my own apartment.

I never thought that I could do it before.
That's wild.

You know, so now that
I'm actually doing it,

like I got my apartment here
and I'm going to college here.

It's basically almost the same.

Chanel works at the New York
Anti-Violence project

down in the Financial District.

Do a lot of work
with at-risk communities,

including the trans-community,

preventing violence,
domestic violence,

problems with police,

any number of things,
and they also just help people

who are clients do things
like find work,

find housing.

And so Ti'aira's come down

to see what kind
of options there are.

The conference room is here.

When we hear of a trans-woman
who just got, you know,

murdered or something,

it comes through here,
we put out the --

we put it in the report, um...

How often does that happen?

Too much.

I mean recently,
like just two, one,

two days ago another trans-girl

was murdered in Columbia --
Columbus, Ohio.

I didn't even hear about that.

When this happens,
it's not publicized,

like, it's very quiet.

So what we do is
when we hear stuff

like that, we send an alert,

a community alert

and we end up, um,
putting it out on social media

and we let --
we make everyone aware.

It makes me nervous.
That's why I'm like,

I'm not built like the way
I used to be,

as far as handling a man
in a fight, like,

I'm broken down over time.

There you go,
now you're following us

and now you'll know

and you'll see those alerts
pop up in your timeline.

- I see everything, I see...
- Oh, it's a Facebook thing?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

- I don't have Facebook.
- You don't have Facebook?

- No.
- Aw.

You can have a seat.

So, I heard you are
interested in possibly,

you know, coming to AVP.

Ti'aira: Mm-hmm.

And, you know, I just wanted
to let you know

the services that we offer.

We do have referrals,

whether it would be for housing,

whether it would be
HRT, you know,

or any medical reason.

We try to meet everyone's needs

that are coming
through the door.

Okay, I feel like my mental
not connected to my spiritual,

my spiritual not connected
to my physical

because it's, like,
I feel like I'm unbalanced

a little bit.

Like I'm trying to do --

I'm doing so much
and I'm pulling back.

I'm pulling back.
I'm trying to work on life.

Listen, you have to take care
of yourself first,

put yourself first.

I've learned this
the hard way, right,

because I used to be like that.

It was like, I wanted
to just help everyone

and just put my priorities
and my needs aside

and I have to step back
a little and be like, "No,

I need to take care
of myself first

and I need to do
what I need to do for me

and if I'm not gonna --

if I want to --
if I have a goal,

it's not gonna happen
because someone gave it to me,

it's gonna happen
because I went and got it."

Thank you, that was inspiring.

[ Laughing ]

That was inspiring.

She gave me a little,
you know, like,

"Okay, all right,
take care of myself."

So just let me know
whenever you are ready.

I want to schedule
an appointment today.

Okay, okay, do you know what?

As a matter of fact,
let me check my calendar.

I'm still performing.

Okay, okay, okay.

- There's a ball?
- Yeah.

Where?

I haven't been to the ball

for such a long time.

This is gonna be
my debut for this one,

so I'm gonna come out.

Oh, you're gonna --
you're gonna participate?

Oh, wow.
- It says open to all,

so whoever's there,
whether you are in a house

or not, you can walk,
you can walk as a 007.

I'm thinking of 0.5cc,
which is a 40 shot milligram,

which is a month's supply.

Sometimes I...

because I like certain things
to be on point.

- Isn't there a risk of that?
- Yeah.

I can get a heart attack,

I can, like, have blood clots.

That's pretty big risks.

Yeah.

All for the love
of being feminine.

Now, is this, is this estrogen

or just the T-blocker?
- This is estrogen.

That was nice.
- What does it feel like?

Like I feel like
I am a woman, bitch,

and I am here.

[ Laughing ]

Like Facer and Andre
are gonna be there,

you pretty sure
they gonna be there, right?

I'm pretty sure
they gonna be there.

So tonight's Rumble Ball.
Heritage Ball was last night.

that's the second biggest
drag ball in the city.

Now, this is a cute color.

Ti'aira is planning
on walking in realness,

which is a category where you
are just your normal self.

Yeah, realness just is
like everyday realness,

like nobody want to know
who you, like,

you're real, you're passable
in a way,

so that's what realness is.

Oh, yeah, and don't call anybody
at the ball fierce.

- Fierce?
- Yeah.

- Why?
- That's a bad term.

Really? I thought
it was a compliment.

No, that's how it
was back then with RuPaul

and all these people.
- Yeah.

Tell them that they are cont

if they're beautiful.

What's that?

You hear me say it.
Like I'm cont

and the girls are like,
"Yes, I am cont."

Cont means beautiful.

I'm telling you just don't
call anybody fierce.

Okay.

Thomas: I'll be walking
in the category

of fashion express.

The only instructions
are take us on a journey

to a foreign land

where the best dressed rule.

You are getting judged
by seven people on a panel.

If you can get judged by them

and take it,
you can face the world.

You don't give a damn
what nobody says about you.

Oh, it's like "Home Alone" level
aftershave.

- [ Laughs ]
- Damn.

Can I show you what I have

and see if it
makes sense or not?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Borrowed a dress, but I think

that might be too draggy,
especially --

you don't have an extra --

you don't have a wig, do you?

No.

Black shoes?

- No.
- Okay.

And then there is
a straight up...

- No.
- No?

- No.
- Okay.

[ Laughing ]

Should I just try it and
see what it looks like?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I don't think that you --
I'll be honest,

I don't think you should wear it

because we didn't
like take the time,

but this is close
to a cultural... place.

**

Thomas:
So tonight's the Rumble Ball.

I was going to come in drag,
but then I realized

that's not true to trans-ness,

that's just transvestitism.

So here I am as this,

some sort of weird version
of myself in Nigerian garb.

Let's see how I do.

**

Emcee: 3, 2, 1.
Category is up --

Walking best dressed?
Come on.

Judges, best dressed.

Give him a round of applause.

Anybody else?
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

I just got chopped hard,
chopped hard.

Oh, my God.

Is it usual
to get chopped for my category

that has nobody else in it?

Doesn't feel good to be chopped
but ball culture

isn't all there
is to being trans.

It's just one little facet,
it's kind of like,

I mean, ball culture's intense

like free masonry meets

some sort of weird, like,
late-night fashion show.

So I think it showed to me

that everybody thought
that I was real

but next to that girl
she was realer than me.

- Okay.
- In their eyes.

So this is my first time
I didn't get chopped, so...

Yeah?
Hey, congrats.

Thomas: I was originally gonna
come out and, you know,

wear a wig

and try to take hormones
and stuff like that,

but that's not
what transitioning is,

those are the, you know,
surface elements of it.

I think a lot of the hang-ups
people have

all stems
from their misconception

that, you know,
being trans is a choice,

that it's a lifestyle
that you adopt,

that being trans
is as simple as deciding

you want to be a woman,
putting on the clothing,

even, you know, taking hormones

is seen as just an extreme
version of that decision,

when these are
actually, you know,

extremely heavy,
irreversible commitments

that people who are trans take.

They take for a medical reason

as, like, under the influence

of their doctors
to correct a problem

with their body,
gender dysphoria.

The true feeling being trans
is being true to yourself

and to who you feel
is your gender

so that's what I did here
for better or worse

even though I was
chopped immediately.

It's not the best,
but it's not the worst,

you know, give him a shot,
at least he tried.

I was against nobody, too.