Ballers (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Machete Charge - full transcript

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Kane is in the building, nigga...

Now tell me how you love it
You know you at the top

When only heaven's right above it, we on

'Cause we on

Who else is really trying to fuck
with Hollywood Cole?

I'm with Marley G, bro

Flying Holly Grove chicks
to my Hollywood shows

And I wanna tell you
something that you probably should know

This that
Slumdog Millionaire Bollywood flow

And...



My real friends never hearing from me

Fake friends write the wrong
answers on the mirror for me

That's why I pick and choose
I don't get shit confused

Don't like my women single
I like my chicks in twos

And these days all the girls is down to roll

I hit the strip club
and all them bitches find the pole

Plus, I been sippin'
So this shit is movin' kinda slow

Just tell my girl
to tell her friend that it's time to go

(MEN SHOUTING)

(LAUGHTER)

I tell you what.
Now, I played with a dude, Joe knows him,

who invested in a water park
in fucking North Dakota.

(ALL LAUGH)

The bottom line is,
whether you sign with us or not,



never, ever invest in a water park, brother.

Well, lucky for me, I hate public pools.
People piss in them.

Yeah, I can personally vouch for that.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, Spence, man, I gotta say,

never thought I'd see you work
in a place like this, man.

That makes two of us, man.

The whole suit-and-tie thing
kind of works for you, though.

Well, 'cause I make it look fly, right?

-(LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, he was born for this job.

Every time we talk about annuities,
he gets a boner.

Watch. Annuities.

- Don't do it.
- Annuities.

- That's dangerous.
- WOMAN: Excuse me.

Vernon Littelfield's on the phone.
He says it's an emergency.

Not now. We're with a client.

No, it's cool. You can take it.

No, not all. You kidding me?

We have a sit-down with Victor Cruz.
El Salsero is in the house.

This man has a Super Bowl ring.

- Vernon can wait.
- Take a message, please.

- How is Vernon?
- Never better.

Look, Vic, the bottom line is

you're in a position where so many people
are gonna come at you

with a brilliant fucking idea
on how to double your cash.

(CELLPHONE BUZZING)

Yeah, and we're the somebody
that tells you that it's bullshit.

(BUZZING STOPS)

Because there is nothing
more important to us than our clients.

(CHUCKLES)

(CAT MEOWING ON LAPTOP)

- Hey, you hit Vern back yet?
- No, we're moving forward.

Oh, come on. We've already got Ricky,
Victor Cruz, Jared Odrick, Woodley,

a lot of other guys who are flirting with us.

Why are you shaking your head?
That fucking roster is tight.

Not good enough for the old man.
He's been asking for updates.

If he finds out we dumped Vernon,
he's sure as hell gonna dump us.

Well, he didn't want me here anyway, right?

Oh, come on, Spence.
It's not just about you anymore, all right?

We're on Anderson's radar right now,

and if we don't return in a big fucking way,
we're dead.

(CELLPHONE BUZZING)

(CHUCKLES)

You're seriously not taking Vern's call?

No, not till he gives me my 300 back.

(BUZZING CONTINUES)

Hey, Vern. What's up? It's Joe.
We were just talking.

We should get some dinner sometime,
you know. Hang...

Oh, yeah? What problem?

- Yeah, hold on. He wants to talk to you, man.
- Yeah, tell him to talk to Reggie.

It sounds urgent. He's insisting.
I've never heard him this pissed off.

Come on.

I told you we were done.

What? What, what, what?

What? What? What?

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)

(MOANING LOUDLY)

Oh, you do me like this,
you can quit your job at the Chevy dealership.

(SHUSHING)

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

-(MOANING)
-(GRUNTS)

I mean, it's one thing to fuck with a man's Js,
but this shit...

All this can't be over a jersey number.

- What did you do, Ricky?
- I wish I knew.

I wish I knew. It's mind-boggling.

You been in some strange?

- That ain't...
- Tell me.

Ain't no strange.
It's about the number, all right?

- If you're lying...
-l'm not lying.

Any more bullshit and I'm gone, Ricky.

Might have to call your Uncle Frank
and get him involved.

No. Hey, Uncle Frank is crazy, okay?

He takes things too far.
Do not get the family involved.

Well, I got to do something, Bella.

- I mean, this is bullshit.
- Look, be an adult, okay?

Just take him somewhere
you can talk to him, okay?

- Deal with things head-on.
-(SCOFFS)

Yeah, sure.
Maybe we can go grab some froyo.

- I bet his little bitch-ass likes sprinkles.
-(LAUGHS)

Look, he's just young and reckless
like you were.

Okay? Try building a rapport.

Do you even know where Alonzo's from?

- That I do, actually.
- Good. Build on that.

Bring him someplace
you can find some common ground.

- Hey, Brett.
- Yo.

How much for the Lambs'?

For Ricky Jerret or anybody else?

-(LAUGHS)
- Come on.

(IMITATES ENGINE REVVING)

- The bitch wants paper.
- Who is she?

She wouldn't give us her name.

But she says she got pictures of me
smoking weed with naked hookers.

- Were you?
- I don't think they were pros.

I mean, nobody asked for cash.

That's about to change.

Vernon, buddy, what were you thinking?

Man, these girls was bangin'.

And the weed was smelling
so fucking good, I...

-lt was a party.
-lt was your fucking party, Spencer.

Uh, uh, no, no. That was a corporate event.

Vernon, you're in the program now.
You got priors.

We've talked about you becoming

one of the greatest defensive players
of all time like Ray Lewis.

You want that to happen,
you can't keep doing this shit.

I just use the weed for pain management.

You're not even injured.

(CHUCKLES) I got emotional pain.

Look, if Dallas sees photos of you
on the Internet smoking weed with hookers,

they're gonna kill your deal, all right?

We're not trying to
jump down your throat here,

but it's like there's a lot of money at stake,
you know?

You gotta start thinking about this.

The position you're in now,
you become a target.

And this is what happens
when you are fucking awesome at your job.

All right. How much does she want?

She didn't say. Told us to call her lawyer.

Maximo Gomez.
Man, this is straight-up blackmail.

JOE: No, not necessarily.

They were both guests at the party,
so there's no expectation of privacy.

She hasn't named a number yet,

and Vernon can't stop her
from publishing the photos.

And did you just pull this
out of your ass or what?

- I might have studied law at FIU.
-(LAUGHING)

- Joey Krutel has his law degree.
- Top third in my class.

Listen, man, so, yo, what are we gonna do?

You got all the answers, Reggie.
Why don't you tell us what we're gonna do?

The fuck I look like? Wikipedia?

Listen, man,
it's time to put the personal shit aside

and rally around Vernon.

It's time to be one. The dream team, baby.

- Dream team.
- Dream team.

(CELLPHONE BUZZES)

Hello. Mr. Gomez?

- Why you trying to fuck with me, man?
- No...

(SIGHS)

- Maximo Gomez?
- MAXIMO: (ON PHONE) Yes, it is.

Who do I have the pleasure of speaking to?

Spencer Strasmore.
What the fuck do you want?

-(LAUGHS) You're Vernon's attorney?
- His financial manager.

Glad to see he tapped the right man
for the job.

My client has plans
to sell some photographs of your client.

She'd like to offer Vernon right of first refusal.

Well, I gotta see what I'm buying first.

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

- What do you want?
- Why don't you come in?

We'll discuss pricing.

I'll have my secretary text you the address.

Yeah, this one. She was sweet.

Man, Spence, this ain't right.
I ain't paying her shit.

- We ain't paying her shit. Just what he said.
- Nothing.

Let me tell you
how this is gonna go down from now on.

Anything that has to do with contracts,
Jason's gonna handle.

Anything that has to do with finances,
Joe's gonna handle.

And everything else in between like this,
I'm gonna handle.

Okay, so then what can I do?

What can you do?
I'll tell you what you can do, Reggie.

You see that beautiful girl right there?

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

You can get her number for me.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

'Zo, what up? Glad you could make it, man.

- Yeah, man. You had me at "titty bar."
- Yeah, I'm sure.

- This is my little brother Julius.
- All right.

This is my big brother Dwayne.

This is my half-brother Derrick.

That's my cousin Troy.

You the guy that tapped my Auntie Kara?

Cool, you brought your entire family.

Yeah, man.
You covering the back room, too, right?

Oh, wait, now. You fucked up my baby.

You fucked my mom.

Wait. Okay. Hold on. Hold on.

Yes. Yes, I did, okay?

Unknowingly, though.
That's the God's honest truth.

Look, we just left your car there, man.

Someone must have come along
and fucked with it.

- Who's "we"?
- Me.

Some of the guys.

Look, they have a wonderful lunch buffet.
All right? All you can eat.

We can sit down, talk like men.

Nah. I ain't here for the pot roast.

Hey, babe.

He's buying.

'Zo.

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

(MUTTERING)

Damn!

Come on in. (CLEARS THROAT)

- Try not to make a mess.
- Okay.

(CHUCKLES)

All right, so we give the lawyer what?

20K, keep him quiet
till we let Jason handle that Dallas deal.

And if he's got more pictures?

Fifty grand should cover everything.
But other than that, that's it.

- No higher.
- Okay.

(LAUGHS)

Another fucked-up day at Anderson Financial.

Would you rather be back at the office
crunching numbers

or out here in the real world?

We're taking care of shit,
we're putting out fires.

- We're paying people off.
-(LAUGHING) Yeah, exactly.

None of what you just said
was on the CPA exam.

Believe me, shakedowns like this
are an occupational hazard.

Uh-huh. Okay.
Sounds like someone got to you.

They did. At the U.

Oh, Jesus. Spencer Strasmore in college.
I just got the chills.

How'd it go down?

Me and a buddy
were having some beers at The Rat.

A lot of beers.

And some hick just kept jaw-jacking me,

getting in my face, talking shit,
wouldn't leave it alone.

We went outside, we had a few more words.

I went home, slept it off.

The very next morning,
he shows up at my doorstep.

Shiner and a missing tooth.

Get the fuck out of here.
He knocked his own tooth out?

No, I beat the shit out of him
outside of The Rat.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, okay. All right.
You see, you buried the lead there.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, put that shit away. Put it away.
Put it away.

I love my wife's body,
but right now all I can think about

is this big old juicy booty.

Oh, not you, ma'am.

(SIGHS)

I tell you, man,
this ass gonna be the death of me.

God is testing you.
That's why there's temptation in this world.

That's why He put
Sammy and Kara in our midst.

I'm convinced, man.

Believe me, you don't wanna run in my world.

It's exhausting. Marriage is a sacred thing.

All right? You gotta be strong.
Strong in the eyes of the Lord.

So, why did you give Sammy my number?

Seemed like the thing to do.
I was drunk, you know.

And why bring me to a strip club?

You wouldn't be sitting there
if you didn't want to.

Don't put that all on me.

- He's right.
- You feel me?

The other day, I drove by my own house.

I saw Julie unloading groceries
in the driveway,

and I just kept going.

- What, to Sammy's?
- No, man. To a movie.

- Oh.
- The point is, Julie's my wife.

We coming up on eight years strong, man,
and I just blew right on past her.

Give me your phone. Give me the phone.
Come on.

- Give me the phone.
- You wanna see the picture?

No, I don't wanna see the picture, man.
What's the code?

7171.

"Lose this number."

Send. Done.

All right?

Yeah, man, but what about the picture?

Delete it.

Man, it's just one little picture.

Is there really any difference
between this and porn?

Huge difference. You can actually
fuck the girl in the photo, man.

(SCOFFS) I'm keeping it.

(DOG BARKING)

Mmm.

I don't know, I was expecting
more of a strip-mall vibe. You know?

Yeah, well, throw ivy on a crack-house,
it doesn't make it legit.

Smoke enough crack, anything feels legit.

(LAUGHS) Hold on.
Please, tell me you haven't smoked crack.

(LAUGHS) on, my...

You seriously think I might have...

- Have I ever...
- What you just said.

No. God.

Well, I mean, I didn't know it was crack, so...

- Joe.
- What?

How the fuck do you not know it's crack?

'Cause crack looks like a lot of other stuff.

- Crack looks like fucking crack.
- You've never seen crack.

-(CELLPHONE RINGING)
- You don't want to tell me you smoked crack?

- It's Jason. It's Jason.
- All right, yeah. Take it. I'll be over here.

(LAUGHS)

All right, please tell me
something good, buddy.

Dallas hit pause on Vernon's deal.

-Ah, shit.
-They're saying cap issues,

but I have a feeling they got team security
looking into our new friend's Flickr account.

We gotta mop this up fast, buddy.

We're here at the attorney's now.

You know, this is why
there's a place in the world for you.

All right? No one cares about these guys
the way that you do, all right?

- Get in there, get it done, let's move on, yeah?
- All right, will do.

Jason, listen, I gotta tell you something.

I miss the fuck out of hitting people.

(CHUCKLES) Check that temper, Strasmore.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

RICKY: I guess your... (CLEARS THROAT)

I guess your brothers really like the club.
Nice way to bond.

You love the number 18. I love the number 11.

Cool of you to spring for it, Rick.

Yeah, I mean, it's a bit more than I expected,
but what the fuck, right?

What the fuck, man?

Look, I've gone above and beyond.

Hey, bro. I need another stack.

(LAUGHS)

(ALONZO LAUGHS)

Oh!

(ALL CHEERING)

That's my little brother.

- I love him.
- What?

Look, I'm willing to
let this whole thing go, all right?

If you are.

Come on, baby. Check out my new G-Wagen.
The seats vibrate.

Hey, Julie.
I stopped at the store like you asked.

Got the all-natural dish soap.
Friendly to lakes and streams, like you like.

That's very important.
Gotta save the environment.

Yeah. Man.

(KISSES)

Who loves you?

You know, I see why you don't like
going back to the store.

Those lines are crazy.

(EXHALES)

Can't find a parking spot. (GRUNTS)

It was store day for everybody.

(SIGHS)

Man, I can't believe FSU.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Bet you wish you would have changed them
batteries like I told you to.

Who is she?

That's my sponsorship child from Guatemala.

Zashia. She gonna go to college.

Why are you sending
this trash to yourself, Charles?

(SIGHS)

Baby, this was somebody's idea of a joke.

I'm not laughing.

Why you going through my stuff
in the first place?

I was sitting at that computer doing my work
when you emailed it to yourself.

It just popped UP-

Now, I'm gonna ask you again, who is she?

It's just some girl from Spencer's party.

Some jackass gave her my number.

She kept texting me.
I told her to leave me alone.

Clearly, 'cause I would hate to see the picture
she sent you if you hadn't.

(LAUGHS) Julie, this isn't a big deal.

Some girl texted me and I kept the picture.

I ain't called her, I didn't go over there.
I'm not sexting her.

And, really, what's the difference

between looking at this picture
and looking at porn?

You can fuck the girl in this picture, Charles.

I'm gonna stop asking that question.

- What the...
- What? What?

(SNIFFS)

You got glitter on your face
and you smell like a strip club.

- Ricky needed a favor, so...
-(LAUGHS)

Ricky's involved. Why am I not surprised?

I'm not about to sit around here

and watch you unravel
now that football is done.

- Oh, Julie...
- No, don't give me that look.

We both know it can happen.
It is never pretty.

This is one picture. This is hardly unraveling.

One thread is all it takes, Charles.

I'm not about to be one of those women
that sits at home, waiting on you,

making excuses for all your bad behavior.

I'm not gonna be like Tina and Bella.

- Baby, this ain't...
- Get away from me. Don't touch me.

- Maybe it's best if I ain't here right now.
- Really? Where you gonna go?

- I got plenty of places.
- Yeah, right.

- You on your own? Now that's a joke.
- Yeah, me, on my own.

Big Charles, Retirement Charles,
heading out into the world.

Watch out, Dunkin' Donuts.

That ain't cool, Julie.

I'm out of here.

-I'm leaving.
- Okay. Bye.

Shit.

-(FAINT MOANING)
-(MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING)

ALONZO: Yeah, baby.

(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

-(WOMAN GIGGLES) I can't.
- Come on, baby.

(MOANING)

ALONZO: Shit.

ls there a problem, Officer?

You wanna step out of the car, lover boy?

- Fuck, man. This is some bullshit.
-(TURNS OFF RADIO)

This is what I needed today.

- I'm Alonzo Cooley.
- Excuse me.

- Hey, back up.
- Okay, okay.

- Ricky Jerret? Fucking A! (LAUGHS)
- Ricky?

What, is there a team meeting
going on in there?

Sorry to intrude, Officer.

Hey, hey, hey, you put that card away, man.
Lifelong cheesehead here, pal.

It was a total pisser to lose you.

Thank you, sir. That's kind of you to say.

Yeah, even though you screwed me
in fantasy last year.

You're like the fucking king
of getting tackled at the one-yard line.

That's my new teammate there.
Anything you can do?

Department's cracking down.

I won't tell a soul, Officer, all right?

You'd be doing me a huge favor.

Young'un's a little misguided.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

All right, Ricky.
For you, I'll let it slide one last time, huh?

And I promise I'll get him a cab, Uber.
I'll get him home safely, I promise.

It's your lucky day, pal.
You got a real friend here.

Yo, Ricky, I think
I'm having a heart attack, man.

You just skated away
from a four-game suspension, at least.

Yo, thank you, Ricky. Thank you, man.

You a fucking lifesaver, man.

We're teammates now, brothers-in-arms.
You'd do the same for me.

Yeah, man. I'm sorry about the car.

Listen, that was all me, man.
The other fellas had nothing to do with it.

- Yeah, I had a feeling.
- But we cool on the number.

Shit, 18 all yours, baby. It look good on you.

Nah, nah, you don't have to do that.

But okay.

-(LAUGHING)
- All right? Listen to me. Look. Look, man.

- You got to smarten up, all right?
- Yeah.

Something like this
can ruin your career, all right?

Take food off your plate.

- You trying to eat, right? Right.
- Gotta eat, Rick.

Here on out, I'm walking
a straight fucking line, man.

- Straight and narrow.
- A straight fucking line, Ricky.

- Prove it, go ahead. Get out of here.
- All right.

Not what I meant.

MAN ON RADIO:
Everything under control there?

Yeah, we're good. Thanks.

(CHUCKLES)

- Thanks, Uncle Frank.
- Nah, nah, nah.

Anything for you and Annabella, huh?

- You taking care of our girl?
- Absolutely. That's my queen.

Come on, new uniforms
for the department softball team.

- All right. For the team. For the team.
- There you go.

"King of getting tackled
at the one-yard line," my ass.

-(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
- Right? Check your fantasy league.

I'm sorry, but I had no clue that
I had the Spencer Strasmore on the phone.

- If I don't get an autograph for my nephew...
- Thank you.

...l'll never hear the end of it.

It'll be a pleasure. No problem.

But first, we should take care
of a little business.

Yeah, of course.

So, you said you had more pictures.

- My client does.
- Let's see 'em.

Looks like everybody had a really good time.

This woman, is she your client?

Miss Angela Lee.

She's already got an arm's-length deal
in place with an online publication.

But against my counsel,

she's insisted that
Vernon have a chance to max the bid.

How much?

Half a million dollars.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Okay.

Half a million dollars
for pics of a defensive tackle?

- Get the fuck out of here.
- Okay.

- You're out of your fucking mind.
- All right, Max, we get it.

You're setting the ceiling way up here

so we can settle somewhere
down around there.

We're just not gonna play that game, okay?

So, I'm gonna write you a check right now
for 50 grand, all right?

(LAUGHS)

And that should take care of those pics
and any other ones she might have, all right?

The price is $500,000.

Hey, Vernon didn't do anything wrong.

Yeah. He was getting stoned, okay?

I mean, one way or another, we all do it.

But not everybody gets caught
smoking an industrial-sized blunt

surrounded by naked cokeheads

at a party being hosted
by Anderson Financial, Joe.

All the while, he's trying to renegotiate
his multimillion-dollar deal with the Cowboys.

(CHUCKLING)

So, Maximo wants to play hardball.

Hey, the world's a cynical place, Spencer.

I mean, Ms. Lee could spin this
any way she chooses to.

Clearly there was sex and drugs involved.

I mean, who knows? Maybe there was
prostitutes and underage girls there, too.

(LAUGHS)

I feel like I really need to take
a fucking shower.

- How about you, Joe?
- I feel gross.

Plus, Anderson Financial
would not be pleased

knowing that this happened
at a party that they hosted.

That was a corporate event.

I know you don't wanna jeopardize
Vernon's job or your own

by not taking me seriously.

(CHUCKLES)

Maximo means business, boys.

My namesake was a commander
in the Cuban War of Independence.

His army lacked munitions,
so he invented the machete charge.

His troops would attack the enemy
with machetes,

hacking up anybody foolish enough
to challenge them,

forcing the rest to retreat out of fear.

That's pretty much how I like to operate.

Well, you better start sharpening
your machetes.

'Cause I never fucking retreat.

And that's how I like to operate.

Half a million dollars. ls she serious?

What kind of lying, thieving,
money-grubbing bitch

tries to shake down a sweetheart like Vernon?

I know her, Joe.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)