Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Disaster Drills - full transcript

♪♪♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Fire alarm blaring ]

Baxter: Fire?

Chelsea: Fire!

Fire!

Fire!

Loft fire! Fire!

What are you doing?!

Roberto!

Fire!



Victoria: Protect me!

Surround me!

Let's go! That way!

No, leave him! He's dead!

Let's go!

Protect my face!

Go! Faster!

Ughh!

Let's move!

Dean: This is

very disappointing.

♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪

Chelsea: Dean's called



a meeting in the bullpen,

and no one knows

what it's about.

Dean: [ Sighs ]

Thank you all

for being here.

As you may or may not know,

the city of Los Angeles

has bestowed upon me

the great honor

of being the first responder.

Victoria: Mm. [ Clapping ]

Dean: Not a first responder,

but the first responder.

Let's just say

it's who you know.

Anyway, I was the one

who pulled that fire alarm

because I wanted to see

how we were doing

in terms of

emergency-drill preparedness.

Chelsea: [ Sighs ]

Dean: And it turns out,

most of you...

have done quite well,

and thank you very much.

Chelsea: Thank you.

Dean: No.

You three --

you performed appallingly

in an emergency situation.

[ Victoria and Chelsea scoff ]

Now, had that been

an actual fire,

you would have perished.

Baxter: I...agree with you.

I reacted terribly

to this fire alarm.

Dean: Thank you.

Baxter: Um...

but it is a health issue

that I'm having.

Dean: What are you

talking about, Baxter?

Baxter: Goat...panic.

Dean: Goat panic?

Baxter: Yes.

You know those videos on

YouTube where goats, uh,

get scared and they panic

and get stiff and fall over

and pass out?

[ Alarm blaring ]

Chelsea: Fire!

Baxter: [ Bleating ]

Victoria:

The thing you need to do is

take care of yourself first.

I don't know why Dean is

having me take this workshop.

I know what to do.

In these kind of situations,

you want to hide under a desk.

Chelsea: That's a great idea.

Dean: It's not, but continue.

Victoria: Well, our desks,

they don't burn.

Dean: They do.

Why wouldn't they?

Victoria: Okay,

that's not what I was told.

Chelsea: Why would we

buy flammable desks?

Dean: Chelsea.

Victoria: Dean.

Dean: In the event --

Did you think I silenced Chelsea

so you could talk?

Victoria: So I could speak.

Dean: No!

Because I had something to say.

Victoria: I thought

maybe 'cause you wanted

to hear what I had to say,

and you don't like

when she talks over me.

Dean: I don't.

I feel

it's going to make me mad.

Victoria: If I speak?

Dean: Yes.

Victoria: But you might

like what I have to say.

Dean: It's happening.

Dean: It's happening right now.

Victoria: Are you liking it?

Dean: I feel the rage rising.

Victoria: Oh, it's ra-- Okay.

Dean: It's up to here.

Victoria: I'll stop.

But just so you know...

Dean: Oh!

Rage level's rising.

Victoria: ...it was really good.

Dean: Here it comes.

Victoria: I don't want it

to get any higher.

I'm just -- Okay.

Victoria: I'll tell --

Dean: Victoria!

I am going to call out

a type of disaster,

and I want to see

what you think

is the proper response

to that disaster.

All right. Let's say

there's an earthquake.

Victoria: Oh!

Baxter: Okay.

Victoria: Uh...

[ Rapping on desk ]

Baxter: Oh, my gosh.

Chelsea: Uh...

Baxter: This is a bad one!

Chelsea: Yep.

Baxter: It's an earthquake!

We better get out of here!

Victoria: I'm shaking!

I'm shaking! Look at me shake!

Dean: Plea--

Victoria: Shaking all over!

Baxter: Hold on to these!

Chelsea:

Hold on to something sharp!

Get the sharpest thing

you can find!

Dean: Hold on to something --

Chelsea: Eeearthquuake!

Baxter: Oh!

Dean: This is very sad.

♪♪♪♪

Amir: I'm heading

to meet my client Eric

at a $9 million house

he's buying in Hancock Park.

All he has to do is sign

on the dotted line.

Eric.

Hey, man.

Eric: [ Snorting ]

Hey, what's up?

Amir: What up...with you?

Eric: ♪♪ After these messages,

we'll be riiiight back ♪♪

[ Chuckles ]

Amir: Static, huh?

Eric's a student at USC

who really loves

his medical marijuana.

Hey, so what?

The kid likes to relax.

Uh, did I mention

he's also extremely rich?

So, I just need you to sign

right over here,

and the house is yours...

Eric: Okay. Cool.

Amir: ...bro.

Eric:

I had a great idea, though.

Amir: What's up?

Eric:

What if I had a house in --

with a, um, with a room inside?

You -- You can eat food in it.

Or drinks.

Dope.

Amir: He's talking

about a kitchen,

and I keep telling him

the house has two.

Eric: I want my own stairway

to Heaven, man.

You know what I mean? But not

a stairway -- just a ladder.

Amir: Man, what is it

with stoners and Led Zeppelin?

You can put a stairway

to Heaven, man.

You can -- You can totally

make it radical.

Eric: Okay.

Amir: You can make it so rad.

Eric: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Amir: It'll be dope.

Eric: You're right. You're

right. Yeah, you're right.

Amir: [ Chuckling ] Yeah.

Eric: Um, but I have --

I have one -- one more thing.

Am I being so annoying?

You're my best friend.

Tell me right now --

am I being a dick?

Amir: No.

Yeah, he is.

This is textbook dick right now.

But this dick's got

a fat wallet.

Scribble next to the X.

Just -- What --

Yes. Good. Good.

Now down.

Eric: [ Sighs ]

Doesn't matter, man.

Amir: What doesn't matter?

Life doesn't matter?

It's -- It's... Look,

it's all gonna be fine. Okay?

Eric: Doesn't matter.

Amir: No. It's all good.

Eric: If I don't

pass my biology exam,

my dad won't pay

for the -- the house.

Amir: Your dad is

buying you this house?

Eric: Yeah. You think

I was gonna buy the house?!

Amir: Yes! I did!

Eric:

I do nothing every day!

This is what I do, man!

Amir: What do you do?!

What is this?!

What is this?!

Eric: I do drugs

and I do examinations.

I do Pap smears...

for the local neighborhood.

Do you want some ipecac?

I have to throw up most of

the stuff that I just did.

Amir: God damn it.

God damn it.

[ Sighs deeply ]

What is this? Why do you have

such a long joint?

Eric: [ Heaves ]

Amir: Oh! What are you doing?!

Eric: [ Heaving ]

Amir: Jesus Christ!

Eric: [ Vomiting ]

♪♪♪♪

Andrew: While Baxter works

on his survival skills,

I'm headed to Malibu to meet

with critically acclaimed,

best-selling author

Merry Capshaw.

She's best known

for her erotica novels

about fucking strange men

and buying shoes in Manhattan.

Her latest one is called "I'll

Take a Size 8 in Both, Please."

Uh, you know,

when I get a voicemail

from the Merry Capshaw --

Merry:

Two R's. I'm rated R.

Andrew: Yeah.

Merry: [ Laughs ] It's a joke.

Andrew: I love jokes.

I love comedy.

And right now, I'm loving you.

Merry: Excuse me.

I'm getting a text. [ Chuckles ]

It's my friend.

She's across town.

Andrew: Oh. Cool --

Merry: As she was house hunting,

her friend Shamanda was uptown,

stalking her own prey --

a gym rat.

Andrew: I mean,

check out the view, though.

Merry: It's spectacular.

Andrew: You love it?

Merry: As she looked out

at the mounds of Malibu,

she wondered if the ocean

was crashing against the valley

as hard as her heart

was crashing against her own.

Andrew: Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to

be hearing you as you --

Uh, I think you're talking about

you, but you said "mounds."

Merry:

Wow. It's funny how people

don't understand the process.

Or are you Canadian -- pro-cess?

Andrew: I'm not Canadian.

Merry:

See, I know it's unorthodox,

but just let me do it.

See, I self-narrate,

and then I can write a story

in three days.

I've written 92 erotica novels.

I'm the Stefan King of erotica.

Andrew:

I don't have three days.

If this is gonna take longer,

I could leave you here,

'cause there's actually

a taco buffet at Taco Mania

that I usually hit

on Tuesday mornings.

And it's, uh --

Merry: He brought up tacos.

Andrew: I bet

if I self-narrate, too,

I can get out of here in time

for the salsa-chugging contest.

Uhh...he could tell that she was

interested in the property,

and he would have to show her

around the rest of the...house

in order to make the deal.

Uhh...

Merry: She felt like a vampire,

'cause he finally

invited her in.

Andrew: [ Chuckles nervously ]

Merry: [ Chuckles ]

Andrew: [ Hisses ]

She's not really a vampire.

They're extinct.

♪♪♪♪

Victoria: We have been

training for hours with Dean

on how to handle

disaster scenarios,

but the real disaster here

is that I have to share Dean

with everyone else.

Dean: In the event

of an emergency,

you follow emergency procedures

that are recognized by...

the world.

Baxter: So let's move on

to another emergency.

The world runs out of air.

What do we do?

Chelsea: Hoard it.

Dean: Yes.

Anyone else?

World runs out of air.

Baxter?

Baxter: Luckily...

Chelsea: Mouth-to-mouth.

Baxter:

This is our last breath.

I want you to know...

that I like you a lot,

and I know you're married,

and you've told me that

many times.

Chelsea: Yo, back up, Gary!

You're, like,

right in their space.

Baxter: Gary,

can we have a moment?

Victoria: This is

so typical Gary.

Baxter: The world's

run out of air, as you know,

so I just want to let you know

that I really like you,

and, um...

Victoria: [ Voice breaking ]

You say the right word.

You say the word you mean,

'cause you know it's not "like."

Baxter: [ Whispering ]

I love you.

Dean: Enough of this nonsense.

One last thing.

Do you understand what I mean

when I say the phrase

"Stop, drop and roll"?

Victoria: Stop, drop and rumble.

Dean: What are you doing?

Victoria: I thought we were

saying the phrase together.

Dean: No. I'm asking a question.

Victoria: What did you say?

Dean: What did you say?

Victoria: I said,

"Stop, drop and rumble."

Dean: What does that mean?

Victoria: Stop...

drop it low...

Chelsea: Drop.

Victoria: ...and rumble.

Dean: The phrase

is "Stop, drop and roll."

What does that mean to you?

Baxter: If you're on fire, stop.

Dean: Yes!

Baxter: Drop to the ground.

Dean: That's right!

Baxter: An' droll.

Chelsea:

Oh, like, be happy and jolly,

like a British elf.

Baxter: I thought droll was sad.

Victoria: No.

Chelsea: No, droll is like...

[ British accent ] Oh!

Baxter: [ British accent ] Ohh!

Chelsea: Ohh!

Baxter: I'm on fiiire.

Chelsea: Joyous.

Dean: The three of you --

get down on the floor.

You lay down.

Baxter: [ Normal voice ] Guys!

Dean: Lay down right now.

Baxter: Are we being

floor-punished?

Dean: Yes, you are.

Baxter: Aaagh!

Dean: You lay down.

Look up at the ceiling.

You think about this.

Baxter: Aaagh!

Dean: You lie flat.

Victoria: No!

Dean: You look up

at the ceiling.

You do it!

Baxter: How long?

Dean: Till I say so.

Victoria: What?!

Dean: The rest of you...

hover over them

and just look at them.

Make them uncomfortable.

Chelsea: What the fuck

you looking at, Gary?

♪♪♪♪

Amir: I am confident

that all I need is one day,

one day of serious

concentration...

Eric: Yeah.

Amir: ...and I can get you ready

for this test.

It's pretty simple.

I just have to tutor

my client Eric

so that he passes his bio exam,

and then his dad

will buy him the house.

Let's start with something

that you can relate to.

Eric: Yeah.

Amir: Um, okay.

Marijuana...is a plant.

Eric: Yeah.

Amir: How do plants grow?

Eric: Uh...

Why don't you grow up?

Amir: That's...

Eric: Why don't you get a job?

Grow up!

Amir: Uh, I think you're

relating this to yourself.

That is not how plants grow.

Eric: Fuck my dad.

Amir: Right. And you know

how we're gonna fuck him?

By acing this biology test.

Eric: Okay.

Amir: Great, so, plants...

Eric: Yeah.

Amir: ...grow with a process

called...photosynthesis.

Eric: Photosynthesis.

Amir: Okay. Now say it

on your own. What is it called?

We just said it, Eric.

I'm not giving up on Eric.

I think he actually

wants to learn.

Photosynthesis, which is

where we have, uh,

the sun comes down, right?

Eric: Yeah.

Amir: And also, uh,

CO2 feeds in --

Donny: Eric.

Eric: Yo, what's up, Donny?!

Amir: What...is this?

Donny: Can I watch TV here?

Eric: Yeah, man.

Amir: Who are you?

Hi. I'm Amir.

Donny:

Hi. I'm gonna get high.

Amir: How high do you have

to be to invite a friend over

to a house

you don't even own yet?!

Why didn't you buy

a smaller bong?

Donny: Oh, bigger's better.

Amir: No, that's --

Not in this case.

You can't light it.

You can't light the --

What the hell's wro--

What the hell is this?

Eric, what is this?

Jesus Christ!

Eric: [ Groaning ]

Amir: No! No! No!

Donny: So cool.

Amir: Don't get high!

Do not get --

Okay. Party's over.

Party's over.

Donny: I'm not done yet.

Amir: Party's over.

Amir: God...damn it!

Eric: Party just started.

I got Donny Long Bong to leave

so that

we could get back to work.

So, what I need from you

is just a little bit

of concentration.

Dude, you've got bones,

and you've got joints,

and they're all held together

by muscle, tendons.

Eric: Tissue.

Amir: Tissue! Yes!

Eric: Yeah!

Amir: Awesome.

Eric: Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Amir: Good job, man.

That's great.

Eric: I remember this.

Alan: [ Chuckling ]

Amir: Wha-- Uh, who are you?

Amir: Who is this?

Alan: You said "bone."

[ Laughs]

Eric: Allen!

Alan: What's up, dude?

Eric: What's up, Al?

Amir: You know this man?

Eric: Yeah. No. He's my friend.

Alan: He said my name.

Amir: Oh, why,

It's Eric's friend Allen

and his other friend,

Allen's tank of nitrous.

Hey, man, uh,

we're trying to work here

so you can get a new digs

for your smoking

and your sniffing, man.

So I need you to take your stuff

and go back over there

to the guy

who will never smoke his bong

'cause it's too big for him.

Donny: I can do it!

Alan: He can do it.

I've seen him.

Amir: Really?

Alan: Yeah.

Amir: What?

Does he light it with his toes?

Donny: Ohhh!

Alan: Ohhh!

Amir: Oh, Jesus, go! Go!

Alan: Dude! Dude!

Amir: [ Sighs ]

It's like they're literally

smoking away my commission.

Let's talk about reproduction.

Eric: Oh, yeah.

I know all about this.

Amir: Yes. Well, apparently,

you are a gynecologist, as well.

Eric: Yeah.

Amir: Yes. Okay. So --

[ Upbeat music plays ]

Heather: Yeeeeeeeeah!

Eric: Yooooooo!

What's up, Heatherrrr?

Heather:

Time for some sweet jams, man!

Eric: Oh, yeah!

Turn that music up!

Amir: God damn it! Okay.

No. No, no, no, no! No!

Heather: Yeah!

Amir: There's no party going on!

Heather: Whoo!

Alan: There's a party!

Amir: Eric, back to the couch!

Eric! Eric, stop doing that

with your shoulders!

Stop moving your shoulders!

Eric, stop moving

your shoulders!

God damn it! Stop moving

your shoulders like that, Eric!

Heather: Crank it!

Amir: Come on! I need you!

"Stay in school.

Don't do drugs."

I believe it now.

Look what it's done to my life.

Heather: Whoooooooooooooo!

♪♪♪♪

Andrew: I'm still showing

the house to Merry,

and she's still narrating

everything she sees.

It's the east wing guest room.

I love this room.

Merry:

Look at this four-post bed.

What is this made out of?

Andrew: It's walnut.

Merry: Mm, nut.

Andrew: Walnut.

Merry: Hmm.

I'm wondering about the style.

I can't really pinpoint it.

Victorian?

Andrew: Not Victorian.

That's more of a, uh, Art Deco.

Merry: Hard dick, though?

Andrew: What's that?

Merry: What?

Andrew: I didn't say anything.

Merry: Mm, I love these rugs.

Andrew: Yeah.

Theses are Persian rugs.

But I do have to remind you

that the rugs

do not come with the property.

I wish they did.

Merry: She was devastated.

She could see herself be taken

on the rug from behind,

seeping in

all its ancient humanity,

just a little bit of butt sweat

just dripping down, just...

[ Popping lips ]

Andrew: Even I know

what a lady is talking about

when she talks about

butt sweat --

S-E-K-S.

Seks.

Merry: She especially

couldn't help but wonder

if the drapes

matched the man-rug.

Andrew: Oh.

Um, he definitely

wanted to let her know

that the drapes actually

didn't match the carpet.

Merry: Oh. "What color

is it down there?" she wondered.

Andrew: He wanted

to let her know that,

because of

his strong Irish genes,

that he had sort of a deep red.

Merry: Oh.

You're crotch Irish.

Andrew: Leprecock.

Merry:

She wanted to let this leprecock

find his pot of gold.

Andrew: [ Irish accent ] Shar

ti tar di tar ti tar ta tar tar.

Merry: Mm. "Do you want

to taste my rainbow?"

she seductively asked.

Andrew: [ Normal voice ]

Is it magically delicious?

Merry: You'd like to find out,

wouldn't you?

Andrew: He approached her...

and...dodged her shoe...

knowing that, uh...

something

was about to happen.

Merry: She could tell which way

this pony wanted to trot.

Was she starring

in the Broadway show "Equus"?

Andrew: That's the one

where the guy gets naked?

Merry: It was horse-themed.

Andrew: Yes.

Okay. Yeah.

He said, "Yes."

Merry:

Well, come on, little pony.

"Ride me home," she screamed.

Andrew: [ Whinnies ]

Merry: Oh, yes!

Andrew: [ Strained ] He wanted

her to get off the horse

because he had

some lower-back pro--

Merry: Oh, no. Oh, God.

She understands sciatica.

She's been on medication

for years.

Andrew: Seriously, it is

the biggest pain in the ass.

I threw my back out

from holding in a sneeze.

Merry: Oh, yes!

Andrew: Yes!

Merry: When she looked

into his eyes,

she knew that he was willing

to go down on her

for nothing in return!

Andrew: He agreed to do it,

sort of, but only knowing

that she would eventually

do the same thing to him?

Merry: She would think about it,

depending on how well this went.

Andrew: Bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb!

Merry: Yes! Oh, God, yes! And --

I mean, no, no, no.

Andrew: Aw-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa!

Merry: Backspace! Backspace!

Delete!

Andrew: Delete.

Merry: Delete.

Andrew: How about this? Hoo!

Merry: Oh, God, yes!

Ctrl + V! Ctrl + V!

Andrew: New window!

Merry: Oh, yes!

Andrew: New window!

Merry: Oh, God!

Andrew: New windooooooooooooow!

Merry:

Get the Steve Job done!

Andrew: Ohh!

♪♪♪♪

Glenn: Mmm!

DJ: Mmmmm!

Glenn: Oh, this was

such a good idea.

DJ: Mm-hmm.

Glenn: Mmm.

I have been working

very hard all week --

physically, mentally,

and spiritually --

to get this office into shape.

But right now,

what my soul needs

is a fun lunch

with my childhood pal Glenn.

Glenn: I can't believe

that you're eating the crust.

Dude, that's so gross.

[ Laughs ]

DJ: What are you talking about?

It's so good.

Every piece of this sandwich

is good.

Peanut butter and jelly

is my jam and jelly.

Glenn:

My favorite part's the bread.

DJ: Then why aren't you

eating the crust?

Glenn:

Because the crust is gross.

That's not bread.

DJ: It is bread.

It's ends of bread.

Glenn: What?

DJ: It's the ends of bread.

Glenn: Well, I'm not interested

in the ends of bread.

I want the soft middle.

[ Both laugh ]

DJ: Ooh, ooh, ooh!

It's your turn to call.

It's your turn to do

a prank call.

Glenn: My turn?

DJ: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Glenn: Who should I call?

DJ: Mmmmm...

Glenn: Hold on.

DJ: Mmmmm....

Glenn: Mm!

DJ: Mmmmm.

Glenn:

I'm calling Victoria.

DJ: No!

Glenn: Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I got a good one.

Okay.

[ Beep ]

Shh, shh, shh.

Victoria: Victoria King.

Glenn: [ Deep voice ]

Uh...hello.

This is the pharmacy calling.

Your explosive-diarrhea medicine

is ready.

Victoria: Oh, great.

I thought it wouldn't be ready

until next Thursday.

Glenn: I bet

that's what you thought,

but I know you need help

with it right now,

so it's ready to go.

Victoria: Oh, wow.

That's a relief.

Glenn: I-I-I bet it's going to

be a big relief for you.

I-I-I heard you

through the wall.

It's terrible.

Victoria: What do you mean,

you heard me through the wall?

Glenn: [ Normal voice ]

You're a bad person!

[ Both laugh ]

DJ: All right. Let me go.

Let me go. Let me go.

Let me go. Let me go.

Glenn: Who are you gonna call?

DJ: Uh...Amir.

Glenn: Yes!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[ Beep ]

Amir: Amir Yaghoob.

DJ: Uh, hey, Amir.

Uh, you're doing a great job,

and I'm happy that

you're working for the company.

Amir: Who is this?

DJ: It's your boss -- DJ.

[ Laughs hysterically ]

Got him!

Glenn: Boy, he definitely

knows who pranked him.

DJ: Yeah.

But it wasn't me.

It was this guy.

Glenn: [ Laughing ]

DJ is so funny.

I swear.

I couldn't love that guy more

if he was my own brother.

[ Both laughing ]

♪♪♪♪

Andrew:

I just got done showing Merry

some of the features available

in the bedroom.

Wink.

Now it's time to make a sale.

Merry:

Although he failed her once,

he eventually did bring the hen

home to roost.

Regardless, however,

she couldn't understand

why he was still panting

when they finished

10 minutes ago.

Seriously,

why are you still panting?

Andrew: He has some ic--

a cardio problems.

He hasn't been doing

his NordicTrack. [ Panting ]

Merry: She did come up with

a game plan, however, though.

As terrible as she felt

about cheating on Pierre,

she knew that she was

going to leave him,

marry this Andrew

who drew her so close to him,

buy the house,

[whispering] but then end up

cheating on Andrew with Pierre.

Andrew: I'm sorry.

Or alternate ending.

Merry: It's just alt ending.

Andrew: Alt ending --

uh, she could buy the house,

uh, stay with Pierre,

and just use Andrew for sex

three or four times a week.

Merry: Hmm.

She would consider it

if Andrew promised to do

more cardiovascular activity...

Andrew: Here we go. I'll try.

Merry: ...and that

the previous owners

would throw in the Persian rugs.

Andrew: Yes, they will throw in

the Persian rugs.

Merry: Really?

Andrew: It's a deal.

Merry:

"It's a deal," she thought --

and knew in her heart.

Andrew: Fuck on it?

Merry: Fuck on it.

Andrew: Okay.

Let's fuck on it.

♪♪♪♪

Amir:

Donny, how many chromosomes

in the human body?

Donny: 46.

Amir: Yes!

I really want this commission,

so I have no choice

but to tutor Eric

and his friends.

I think I'm finally

getting through to them.

Heather, what is

the powerhouse of the cell?

Heather: Uh, mitochondria.

Amir: Yes!

Allen, what is the opposing

base pair to adenine?

Alan: Thymine.

Amir: Thymine! Yes!

Eric, my man,

what does "DNA" stand for?

Eric: It stands for...

deoxyribonucleic acid.

Amir: Yes.

[ Voice breaking ]

When I got here this morning,

you guys were a bunch

of disgusting human beings.

And you guys did the impossible.

And I am more proud

than I ever thought

that I would ever be.

So thank you.

Eric: They say biology is

the study of all living things.

A frog is a reptile.

Amir: It's an amphibian.

God, I hope

that's not on the test.

Eric: An eagle is a bird.

[ Eagle cries ]

And a human is a mammal.

But all of those things...

have a heart.

And you taught that to me.

Amir:

We're gonna buy this house,

and I'm gonna get

my commission,

and I'm gonna buy

another Rolex.

[ Inhales sharply, exhales ]

Eric: O captain, my captain.

Alan: O captain, my captain.

Heather: [ Voice breaking ]

O captain, my captain.

Donny:

O captain, my captain.

Amir: Is that from a movie

or something?

I will never forget

each and every one of you.

[ Whimpers ]

Eric: He's gone.

Donny: Good.

[ Book thuds ]

Amir: He failed!

Apparently, there was

a whole essay section on frogs.

♪♪♪♪

Baxter:

But I want the gift to be of,

like, a person

actually being shocked.

Victoria: Oh,

like an electric shock.

Baxter: Yeah,

like an electric shock.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Victoria: Oh, my God.

Baxter: That's a --

That's a fire in a trash can.

Chelsea:

Should we run away fast?

Victoria:

No, just breathe in the smoke.

Breathe in the smoke.

Baxter: [ Coughing ]

This must be a test from Dean.

This is what we've been

training for. We got this.

Chelsea:

Shit! That's a fire.

Should I make sure

it's a hot one, though?

Baxter: Uh...

I don't know if that's --

I don't know if that's a thing,

a cold fire.

Victoria: Oh, my God!

Did it burn you?

Chelsea: Nope. It was just --

It just reminded me.

Baxter: Ow! Ow. Okay.

Victoria: What did it feel like?

Does it feel like --

Oh, my --

It burns, you guys!

Chelsea: We can handle this.

All: Stop!

Drop.

Chelsea: Oh.

Victoria: Drop.

Baxter:

What comes after "drop"?

Victoria: Dean's probably hiding

somewhere in the room.

Baxter: Okay, this is working.

Victoria: Okay, this is better.

Chelsea:

Dean must be so proud of us.

Victoria: Did we stop?

Baxter: Yeah.

Chelsea: We did it.

Victoria: Okay.

Baxter: Okay.

Victoria: Oh, God.

Baxter: Great.

Victoria: Okay. Yeah!

Baxter: Good job, guys!

Way to stay calm!

Chelsea: Yeah! We did it!

All: We passed Dean's test!

Victoria: Yay!

Baxter: Okay, great!

Dean: What? No. I didn't set up

any further test.

You say there's a fire

in the breakroom?

Oh, what I wouldn't give to be

the second responder for once!

Clear the floor!

Make a hole!

Out of the way!

[ Sirens wailing ]

♪♪♪♪