Bad Teacher (2014): Season 1, Episode 13 - What's Old Is New - full transcript
The state test exam is fumbled. Meredith leaves and finds the true place she belongs.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Breakfast, breakfast.
In you go, in you go.
Oh, James Pfaff,
standardized testing day.
Everybody eats breakfast.
I already ate breakfast.
Then have an orange juice.
Well, I find orange juice
to be the most pedestrian
of the major juices.
James, your voice
is changing,
things are gonna get
not-cute fast, okay?
I'd suggest you dig deep
and find a less
annoying personality.
Now go do these
flash cards at
your table.
Now go.
Hmm. Taking these tests
pretty seriously.
Did three ghosts
visit you last night?
Yeah, well, maybe I just
want my kids to score well
so they don't become
gym teachers.
Yeah, I'm sure
your commitment
has nothing to do
with the end-of-the-year
bonuses that teachers get
based on the scores.
Don't you have a test?
Oh, sorry, that's right,
nobody cares about gym.
Um, ever heard of the
Presidential Fitness Test?
The president cares.
The president.
Oh, Joel.
My sweet, dumb, hot Joel.
I need to talk.
Carla is coming.
Your ex-wife, Carla?
Yes, Carla, Carla.
She works for
the state testing agency.
She's gonna be proctoring
the tests all week.
You know, I met Carla
when she was giving a test.
I asked her out
on a Scantron sheet.
It was "A", very romantic.
"B", weird.
Or "C", sad.
Oh, no, you're right. It
was "D", two of the above.
I'm a wreck. I haven't
seen Carla in months.
You can do this.
Look, I haven't
spoken to my ex
since I moved out,
but Ray's been texting me.
And you're just
telling me this now?
Well, I haven't told anyone.
But I am your best friend.
What does he want?
To cheat on his
new girlfriend.
I guess.
Look, I've dreamed of him
crawling back to me,
but I have not
responded to him once.
You didn't text back?
Very strong.
Our exes don't have
power over us anymore.
Boom! I have a plan.
Let's go.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Ooh!
Now the Goodwill
won't take it back.
(LAUGHING)
I'd better hang up,
don't want to make
the president jealous.
Sorry. That was,
uh, Michelle Obama.
She called to congratulate me
on a job well done.
Boy, can she talk.
God, you're inspiring.
LILY:
Can I have your autograph?
Can I have your handprints
in wet concrete?
Will you be
my new dad?
Let me check my schedule.
Carl?
Carla?
The board told you
I was coming.
I guess it slipped my mind.
CARLA:
Yeah, right.
Can you get me coffee?
Starbucks. A real venti.
I know you ask for
a grande in a venti cup.
Thank you.
Stay strong.
Like I did with Ray.
Yes, Carla. I'll
get you coffee.
It's something
about our exes.
They always have power
over you.
Not Ray.
Don't fool yourself.
And a not-stale
blueberry scone.
I got to go.
♪ Nah, nah-nah,
nah, nah, nah
♪ Nah-nah, nah-nah ♪
Okay, everyone.
Today begins
standardized
testing week.
Schools are made
and unmade during this time.
Just go ask
Roosevelt Middle.
Or, as they now call it,
the parking lot
behind Costco Express.
This is our
testing agency rep,
Carla Gaines.
Now, you might notice
that she and I have
the same last name.
That is because...
Actually, it's Allen.
It's Carla Allen now.
Oh, so you went back
to your maiden name.
I thought
you always liked Gaines.
People say it has
a regal quality.
Regal?
Your family was sued
for bootlegging Sprite.
Okay, Carla will be
proctoring the exams.
Okay, I know
no one likes testing.
I love testing.
Standardized tests
are my hobby.
I am part of
an online enthusiast group.
Oh... You're one of them.
Oh, I get it.
Some of my best friends
are odd white people.
All right, for those of
you who are not familiar
with the testing world because
you actually have lives,
here are the
headlines,
give the kids pencils
and your job is done.
Folks, we're starting
with social studies.
What-what!
(BELL RINGS)
Ree-Ree.
How was Ferret Nationals?
Any hooking up?
Oh, well, Francis met
a pretty sexy sable
with pointed tips...
Oh, you meant me.
Uh, yeah, but you watched
ferrets have sex, didn't you?
(SOFTLY LAUGHS)
No, no.
If that video is on
your phone, delete it.
And let's grab a coffee
while I'm here this week.
Irene.
So, you stayed friends with
Carla even after the divorce?
You saw how much
she hurt him.
Oh, well... I... I mean, I met
Carla before I even knew Carl.
We're in a fantasy
league together,
fantasy school board league.
I won the whole thing
last year.
Superintendent Charles
was a beast. (CHUCKLES)
Irene, you have to
pick a side in a breakup.
You're either with Carl
or against him.
Oh, okay, fine, fine,
but I just...
I don't even know how
I would break up with Carla.
Oh, I have broken up with
lots of friends, I can help.
Okay, good. This is gonna
come as a surprise,
but I have not done a lot
of breaking up in my life.
I'm a little odd.
My grandma used to say,
"You're a weirdo, Irene.
Save your money."
Mine, too.
Ah.
So, how'd your kids do
on the test?
They said it was easy.
I'm proud of them.
They worked hard.
I mean, I made them work
hard, so I deserve all
the credit, but still.
I think those little dummies
really came through.
Ooh. I'd say slow down,
but I prefer you
get drunk and do
something you'll regret.
Like a gym teacher?
Maybe. It's been a while.
Yeah, you've been with
ol' Puffy Vest Janet.
I mean, how warm does
her torso need to be?
(LAUGHING)
We were late,
and you don't want to
ask for directions
'cause you said,
"If I can't find my way
"to a Luther Vandross
concert,
"what kind of black woman
am I?"
Oh, no. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
(SIGHS)
Two Dark 'N' Stormies.
Your drink is a
Dark 'N' Stormy?
Yes, and, unfortunately,
type of woman.
Good to know.
(MEREDITH CLEARS THROAT)
You brought Carla?
I hope you're not
falling into old patterns.
No way.
Tonight I'm paying.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Wow, that's
a lot of texts.
It's, uh, it's Janet.
I'm not gonna respond.
Ugh. Just break up
with her already.
I'm trying. I was hoping
she'd just get the idea.
You need to be
direct but kind.
(CLEARS THROAT) Janet,
you're super annoying
and I can't stand to look
at your face anymore.
Bye!
(CHUCKLES)
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, and who's
texting you?
Wha... Ray?
Your ex-husband?
Yes, but I haven't
texted back.
First because my phone
got turned off,
but now because
I'm not interested.
Then why haven't you
responded?
Hoping he just
gets the idea?
This is nothing like
Janet, okay?
We were married
and in love.
And he cheated on you.
Okay, I'll make you a deal.
You tell Ray
to stop texting you
and I'll break up
with Puffy Vest.
So, deal?
Deal.
Great.
Meet at my place
in an hour. Naked.
For sexy reasons.
But also because
my AC is broken.
JOEL: Oh,
I missed that.
And this.
(LAUGHS)
Well, what can you say?
I'm pretty great.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Don't you have
any normal food here,
like vodka?
I broke up
with Janet,
you told Ray off.
Let's drink
the cheap stuff.
(GASPS)
Vodka in a plastic bottle?
And Frat-o-ween 2003 cups?
Wow, is this how
you usually get the ladies
to have a sleepover?
Ooh, so you're sleeping over?
Well, I've always wanted
to see this place
during the day
and find out if this couch
is brown or orange.
Well, technically,
it's not a couch.
It's a pile of cinderblocks
with a sleeping bag
thrown over it, but...
(PHONE CHIMES)
(CHUCKLES)
Anything important?
Yes.
Irene got a new ferret.
Okay.
I gave you the cup
that got the least melty
at our last bonfire, so...
You're so good to me.
(LAUGHS)
Ugh, I don't know
if I can do this.
I can't have
fewer friends.
Twitter already thinks
that I'm a robot.
You owe this to Carl.
And remember,
no eye contact.
Eyes are anatomical beggars.
Here we go.
Oh, Carla.
Hey.
Hi.
It is with
a heavy heart that I...
Oh, God,
I made eye contact.
They are beggars.
What is
going on?
It is with a heavy heart
that I deliver
the following news.
MEREDITH:
How about I reconsider
when you're 18, okay?
Now go.
Hey, sorry again you saw my
pillow without the pillowcase.
(LAUGHS)
Ray?
I thought you told
this guy to get lost.
Joel, I'll call you later.
Uh, I left my lunch box
here in 1973.
And, uh,
I came to apologize
for...everything.
Ginny.
Don't you feel
so much better
now that you've broken
up with Carla?
I always feel better,
like,
one less person to care about
in a natural disaster.
Well, before I could
get to the breaking up,
Carla told me a secret.
Do not tell me,
I am terrible
at keeping secrets.
Ms. Rogers is pregnant.
And my neighbor kisses
her dog on the mouth.
I've never been
to Atlanta.
Irene.
Tell me the secret.
Carla's engaged.
You have to tell Carl.
Have to tell him what?
I'm not gonna make
the, uh, faculty roundup.
Sparks are flying with Carla,
she wants
a private meeting.
Looks like I'll
be spending my lunch hour
writing a casual sonnet.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
You can't tell Carl.
Damn it, woman,
make up your mind.
I don't want to be
the other woman.
I want you to be
the only woman.
Wait, what are you saying?
I... I broke it off
with Mitzi.
It was a mistake.
I know that.
It was just some
embarrassing midlife crisis.
Ray, you left me
with nothing.
I know, the prenup.
But I only did that
'cause all my friends did.
But I'm not like my friends.
I don't want three wives.
Just two.
You might have been
my second wife, but...
You've always been
my true love.
Please let me try
to make it up to you.
No prenup this time.
It wasn't about
the money, Ray.
I'm at work.
Well, come home.
I love you, Meredith.
I never stopped loving you.
Think about it.
(CAR DOOR OPENS)
(ENGINE STARTS)
(WHEELS SQUEAK)
I was trapped.
Didn't want
to interrupt.
Ray seems nice.
If it doesn't work out,
can I tap that?
(QUIETLY)
She'll like this right here.
You were right about putting
the chairs next to my desk.
Now, when I meet
with students, I'll be
like the black
Jimmy Kimmel,
which I've felt like
for a long time.
Yeah. You know,
I wanted to talk to you
about Meredith.
How long has
she worked here?
About six months,
minus the week
she was in Cabo
doing missionary work.
Hmm. And how well
do you know her?
Well, she was
an emergency hire.
We met, we laughed,
I cried,
she came on board
immediately.
Instant connection.
Just...trusted the old gut.
You know you can't trust
your gut, Carl.
You were Team Jacob.
Was I wrong?
I haven't read Eclipse yet.
I've been on the library
wait list for two years.
You got a real problem
on your hands.
I know. It's these teenagers,
they never return books.
No. It's Meredith.
Okay, your "connection"
may have clouded
your judgment.
I have the results of her
students' test scores.
Once we report these,
the school board is
gonna be all over you.
(GASPS) Oh, thank God
you're here.
You are not gonna
believe this.
Ray came back.
(PANTS)
My head is spinning.
I... I might have to take
another missionary trip
just to...figure some
of this stuff out, you know?
Carla got the test
results back.
We have a real problem
on our hands, Ms. Davis.
Why are you being
so formal?
Your students failed.
All of them.
But I worked so hard.
I mean, I really worked.
I didn't just say
I was working.
Like, I really worked hard.
I made flash cards,
I gave inspiring speeches,
I stayed after class.
I gave them
my real e-mail address.
You don't even have that.
I'm good at this, Carl.
I am.
The results are clear.
I'm sorry.
Carla was right.
Our connection
clouded my judgment.
I'm not sure
Nixon is for you.
Yeah, me neither.
Meredith...
I quit.
This isn't
where I belong.
Hi, honey. I'm home.
RAY OVER INTERCOM:
Great, I'll buzz you in.
(DOOR BUZZES)
I missed
how long it takes
for me to run into your arms.
I really can't believe
you're here.
Mmm.
Let me get you some wine.
Yolanda!
I missed you.
I missed you.
I missed this
beautiful fireplace...
Mmm.
...and beautiful
furniture
and beauti...
Nice personality maid.
Yolanda, how are you?
RAY: You really belong here,
you know?
Yeah. It does
feel like home.
Greetings, students.
Next week
we have to retake
the standardized
social studies test.
And I'm gonna
help teach you guys.
Where's Meredith?
We gave her to a farm
so she could run around
and be free.
Meredith's dead?
Hey. Where's Meredith?
I can't hold it in anymore.
She quit!
I wanted my own
class, but...
I didn't want it this way.
Wait, what?
Well, she did move
all of her stuff
out of the guesthouse
last night.
But she forgot her bag of
oregano.
I'll take that.
I'm making lasagna tonight.
Where did she go?
She chose Ray.
Now I'm never
gonna get to tap that.
Kim, what are you
talking about?
She went to go tell Ray off.
I saw them
in the parking lot.
She didn't look like
she was telling him off.
I took a body language
course at camp.
Why would she get
back together with him?
I thought she
was happy here.
Sorry.
♪ Wham, bam, here I am
♪ Goddess of the glitter
and glam
♪ Yes, catch a breath,
gotcha eating out of my hand
♪ Bam, thank you, ma'am... ♪
MEREDITH: Oh...
Where my tennis bitches at?
Mere.
Did you get a job here, too?
Uh, no.
Well, don't you
have work?
Or is it Saturday or Sunday
or teacher work day
or one of your sick weeks?
From now on, every
week's a sick week.
I'm back together with Ray.
Oh, my God!
You are!
Oh, thank God!
It was impossible
to replace you.
Replacement Meredith,
you may go.
Yeah!
(LAUGHING)
I can't believe
Meredith left.
Do you think I'll
stay friends with her?
Ms. Harris, the choir teacher,
she said we'd still be friends
when she became
a dental hygienist,
but...now I only see her
every six months.
Why would she throw away
her teaching career
for some rich guy?
Aside from that being
her unwavering plan
from the beginning.
(SCOFFS)
Ah. Hey, Carla.
How's it going?
Good. Except
for the fact that
all of Ms. Davis' students
failed the exam.
It's like the woman
has no teaching
experience whatsoever.
Oh.
How could you let
Meredith quit?
She was given a choice,
but like Carla said,
the test results
speak volumes.
We all know
Meredith struggled.
She did rent her
fourth period class out
as a cleaning service.
Best 600 bucks I ever spent.
Well, you drove Meredith back
into Ray's dumb rich arms.
Look, Carla and I are
really reconnecting,
and she told me
to get out in front
of this thing,
and she's right,
Carla's always right.
Carla's not right,
and she's engaged.
What?
Really?
Oh. Uh...
New Carl proposed last week.
She's moving on
with another Carl?
I thought he was
a rebound Carl,
and I thought
we were giving off sparks.
(BANGS TABLE)
See? My gut is wrong.
No, it's not wrong
about Meredith.
I know what
the results said,
but why are you
listening to Carla?
You have been doing
just fine without her.
You know Meredith.
Well, yeah, I know her
pretty well, too, I mean...
This juice is $15!
Mmm.
I love pressed juices.
Oh...
Are they the same
as regular juices?
(ALL LAUGHING)
So, were you guys doing
anything after lunch,
or is this it?
Well, we still
have to stretch.
Mmm-hmm.
And we're gonna compare
our charities.
We don't want to end up
with the same one.
So embarrassing.
(LAUGHS QUIETLY)
Are you marrying
new Carl?
Well, I wanted
to tell you in person.
I... I was finally ready,
and then you
wrote me that sonnet.
It's okay.
You reminded me that
I'm my own man.
Since you left, I've been
trusting my instincts.
The only time I didn't
trust myself is this week,
because you made me feel like
I still needed you. I don't.
Meredith is not your
typical teacher,
but she's a good person
and she tries hard.
You can't ask for
much more than that.
You can ask for
more than that.
Every one
of her students failed.
Even the Indians,
the Asians.
Those are the ones
you count on.
When I give
my report...
I don't care!
I believe in her!
Me, too. Carla,
I'm breaking up with you.
GINNY: Everybody!
The test results were wrong.
After Kim told me
Meredith's class failed,
I looked into it.
I wanted to confirm
my suspicions before
I said anything,
and with the help of my online
test lovers group, I have.
This is the culprit.
Am I the only one who
doesn't know why we're
looking at a pencil?
No, I don't get it.
I'm still not sure.
Okay, I didn't want
to look dumb.
Meredith?
Meredith?
Are you there?
Meredith...
POPPY:
Oh, my God.
The class war has started.
Meredith, you
don't belong here.
You belong at Nixon.
I was wrong.
Carla was wrong.
What about the tests?
You used number three pencils.
We've been tracking
some rogue number threes
with my online testing group,
and we knew they'd
shown up at Kennedy,
but we never thought
they'd end up at Nixon.
Carla rescored
your tests by hand.
Well, how did my kids do?
Totally average.
So I'm, like,
a totally average teacher?
Totally average.
I'm totally average!
We know.
I got to get back to work.
MEREDITH:
Hey, can you put, uh,
five Crab Louie salads
on Ray's tab
and wrap them up to go?
You have to try them.
And you may never be
at a country club again.
I'm proud of you, Meredith.
Well, I'm proud of my kids.
And I'm proud of you
for standing up to Carla.
It was beautiful.
Are you okay with her
getting remarried?
I think so. I'm just glad
everybody's moving on.
Mmm.
And here's
your Dark 'N' Stormy.
Thank you.
What?
Uh, no! I can't.
I haven't asked anyone
out since the divorce.
It's time for you
to move on
top of someone else.
Okay.
I don't want this
Dark 'N' Stormy...
(CLEARS THROAT)
I would like
a Dark and Even-keeled.
So you want a splash
of grapefruit?
No. I'm... I'm flirting.
I'm just really bad at it.
Oh. (LAUGHS)
Hey, great job with
the number three pencils.
Ginny's a regular
Nancy Drew.
Nancy Drew is
lesbian propaganda.
I am just a good,
old-fashioned
problem solver.
(SIGHS)
Hey. I'm glad
you're here.
Now, you want to
get out of here?
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
I can't. I'm sorry.
Is this about the cinder
block-sleeping bag combo?
'Cause I ordered a couch.
Well, a futon.
Well, I painted the
cinder blocks brown.
Joel, I chose
to come back to Nixon,
but I'm staying with Ray.
What?
You got to be kidding me.
I never meant to hurt you.
And yet you did anyway.
That's how good
you are at it.
Oh, Joel...
Joel, wait.
Ray?
Ray?
Ray.
Bunny...
Just wanted to meet
your work friends.
Is that...
Huh, huh, huh?
Hi. Uh...
Next round is on me.
I'm Ray.
I'm Ginny.
IRENE: Where's Joel?
GINNY: I don't know.
CARL: He's gone.
May I?
Yes, of course.
♪ Nah, nah-nah,
nah, nah, nah
♪ Nah-nah, nah-nah
♪ I am a fascination
♪ I'm here to blow your mind
♪ I'll give 'em education
♪ Give me the wine and dine
♪ Hey!
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah
♪ Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah! ♪
Breakfast, breakfast.
In you go, in you go.
Oh, James Pfaff,
standardized testing day.
Everybody eats breakfast.
I already ate breakfast.
Then have an orange juice.
Well, I find orange juice
to be the most pedestrian
of the major juices.
James, your voice
is changing,
things are gonna get
not-cute fast, okay?
I'd suggest you dig deep
and find a less
annoying personality.
Now go do these
flash cards at
your table.
Now go.
Hmm. Taking these tests
pretty seriously.
Did three ghosts
visit you last night?
Yeah, well, maybe I just
want my kids to score well
so they don't become
gym teachers.
Yeah, I'm sure
your commitment
has nothing to do
with the end-of-the-year
bonuses that teachers get
based on the scores.
Don't you have a test?
Oh, sorry, that's right,
nobody cares about gym.
Um, ever heard of the
Presidential Fitness Test?
The president cares.
The president.
Oh, Joel.
My sweet, dumb, hot Joel.
I need to talk.
Carla is coming.
Your ex-wife, Carla?
Yes, Carla, Carla.
She works for
the state testing agency.
She's gonna be proctoring
the tests all week.
You know, I met Carla
when she was giving a test.
I asked her out
on a Scantron sheet.
It was "A", very romantic.
"B", weird.
Or "C", sad.
Oh, no, you're right. It
was "D", two of the above.
I'm a wreck. I haven't
seen Carla in months.
You can do this.
Look, I haven't
spoken to my ex
since I moved out,
but Ray's been texting me.
And you're just
telling me this now?
Well, I haven't told anyone.
But I am your best friend.
What does he want?
To cheat on his
new girlfriend.
I guess.
Look, I've dreamed of him
crawling back to me,
but I have not
responded to him once.
You didn't text back?
Very strong.
Our exes don't have
power over us anymore.
Boom! I have a plan.
Let's go.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Ooh!
Now the Goodwill
won't take it back.
(LAUGHING)
I'd better hang up,
don't want to make
the president jealous.
Sorry. That was,
uh, Michelle Obama.
She called to congratulate me
on a job well done.
Boy, can she talk.
God, you're inspiring.
LILY:
Can I have your autograph?
Can I have your handprints
in wet concrete?
Will you be
my new dad?
Let me check my schedule.
Carl?
Carla?
The board told you
I was coming.
I guess it slipped my mind.
CARLA:
Yeah, right.
Can you get me coffee?
Starbucks. A real venti.
I know you ask for
a grande in a venti cup.
Thank you.
Stay strong.
Like I did with Ray.
Yes, Carla. I'll
get you coffee.
It's something
about our exes.
They always have power
over you.
Not Ray.
Don't fool yourself.
And a not-stale
blueberry scone.
I got to go.
♪ Nah, nah-nah,
nah, nah, nah
♪ Nah-nah, nah-nah ♪
Okay, everyone.
Today begins
standardized
testing week.
Schools are made
and unmade during this time.
Just go ask
Roosevelt Middle.
Or, as they now call it,
the parking lot
behind Costco Express.
This is our
testing agency rep,
Carla Gaines.
Now, you might notice
that she and I have
the same last name.
That is because...
Actually, it's Allen.
It's Carla Allen now.
Oh, so you went back
to your maiden name.
I thought
you always liked Gaines.
People say it has
a regal quality.
Regal?
Your family was sued
for bootlegging Sprite.
Okay, Carla will be
proctoring the exams.
Okay, I know
no one likes testing.
I love testing.
Standardized tests
are my hobby.
I am part of
an online enthusiast group.
Oh... You're one of them.
Oh, I get it.
Some of my best friends
are odd white people.
All right, for those of
you who are not familiar
with the testing world because
you actually have lives,
here are the
headlines,
give the kids pencils
and your job is done.
Folks, we're starting
with social studies.
What-what!
(BELL RINGS)
Ree-Ree.
How was Ferret Nationals?
Any hooking up?
Oh, well, Francis met
a pretty sexy sable
with pointed tips...
Oh, you meant me.
Uh, yeah, but you watched
ferrets have sex, didn't you?
(SOFTLY LAUGHS)
No, no.
If that video is on
your phone, delete it.
And let's grab a coffee
while I'm here this week.
Irene.
So, you stayed friends with
Carla even after the divorce?
You saw how much
she hurt him.
Oh, well... I... I mean, I met
Carla before I even knew Carl.
We're in a fantasy
league together,
fantasy school board league.
I won the whole thing
last year.
Superintendent Charles
was a beast. (CHUCKLES)
Irene, you have to
pick a side in a breakup.
You're either with Carl
or against him.
Oh, okay, fine, fine,
but I just...
I don't even know how
I would break up with Carla.
Oh, I have broken up with
lots of friends, I can help.
Okay, good. This is gonna
come as a surprise,
but I have not done a lot
of breaking up in my life.
I'm a little odd.
My grandma used to say,
"You're a weirdo, Irene.
Save your money."
Mine, too.
Ah.
So, how'd your kids do
on the test?
They said it was easy.
I'm proud of them.
They worked hard.
I mean, I made them work
hard, so I deserve all
the credit, but still.
I think those little dummies
really came through.
Ooh. I'd say slow down,
but I prefer you
get drunk and do
something you'll regret.
Like a gym teacher?
Maybe. It's been a while.
Yeah, you've been with
ol' Puffy Vest Janet.
I mean, how warm does
her torso need to be?
(LAUGHING)
We were late,
and you don't want to
ask for directions
'cause you said,
"If I can't find my way
"to a Luther Vandross
concert,
"what kind of black woman
am I?"
Oh, no. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
(SIGHS)
Two Dark 'N' Stormies.
Your drink is a
Dark 'N' Stormy?
Yes, and, unfortunately,
type of woman.
Good to know.
(MEREDITH CLEARS THROAT)
You brought Carla?
I hope you're not
falling into old patterns.
No way.
Tonight I'm paying.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Wow, that's
a lot of texts.
It's, uh, it's Janet.
I'm not gonna respond.
Ugh. Just break up
with her already.
I'm trying. I was hoping
she'd just get the idea.
You need to be
direct but kind.
(CLEARS THROAT) Janet,
you're super annoying
and I can't stand to look
at your face anymore.
Bye!
(CHUCKLES)
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, and who's
texting you?
Wha... Ray?
Your ex-husband?
Yes, but I haven't
texted back.
First because my phone
got turned off,
but now because
I'm not interested.
Then why haven't you
responded?
Hoping he just
gets the idea?
This is nothing like
Janet, okay?
We were married
and in love.
And he cheated on you.
Okay, I'll make you a deal.
You tell Ray
to stop texting you
and I'll break up
with Puffy Vest.
So, deal?
Deal.
Great.
Meet at my place
in an hour. Naked.
For sexy reasons.
But also because
my AC is broken.
JOEL: Oh,
I missed that.
And this.
(LAUGHS)
Well, what can you say?
I'm pretty great.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Don't you have
any normal food here,
like vodka?
I broke up
with Janet,
you told Ray off.
Let's drink
the cheap stuff.
(GASPS)
Vodka in a plastic bottle?
And Frat-o-ween 2003 cups?
Wow, is this how
you usually get the ladies
to have a sleepover?
Ooh, so you're sleeping over?
Well, I've always wanted
to see this place
during the day
and find out if this couch
is brown or orange.
Well, technically,
it's not a couch.
It's a pile of cinderblocks
with a sleeping bag
thrown over it, but...
(PHONE CHIMES)
(CHUCKLES)
Anything important?
Yes.
Irene got a new ferret.
Okay.
I gave you the cup
that got the least melty
at our last bonfire, so...
You're so good to me.
(LAUGHS)
Ugh, I don't know
if I can do this.
I can't have
fewer friends.
Twitter already thinks
that I'm a robot.
You owe this to Carl.
And remember,
no eye contact.
Eyes are anatomical beggars.
Here we go.
Oh, Carla.
Hey.
Hi.
It is with
a heavy heart that I...
Oh, God,
I made eye contact.
They are beggars.
What is
going on?
It is with a heavy heart
that I deliver
the following news.
MEREDITH:
How about I reconsider
when you're 18, okay?
Now go.
Hey, sorry again you saw my
pillow without the pillowcase.
(LAUGHS)
Ray?
I thought you told
this guy to get lost.
Joel, I'll call you later.
Uh, I left my lunch box
here in 1973.
And, uh,
I came to apologize
for...everything.
Ginny.
Don't you feel
so much better
now that you've broken
up with Carla?
I always feel better,
like,
one less person to care about
in a natural disaster.
Well, before I could
get to the breaking up,
Carla told me a secret.
Do not tell me,
I am terrible
at keeping secrets.
Ms. Rogers is pregnant.
And my neighbor kisses
her dog on the mouth.
I've never been
to Atlanta.
Irene.
Tell me the secret.
Carla's engaged.
You have to tell Carl.
Have to tell him what?
I'm not gonna make
the, uh, faculty roundup.
Sparks are flying with Carla,
she wants
a private meeting.
Looks like I'll
be spending my lunch hour
writing a casual sonnet.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
You can't tell Carl.
Damn it, woman,
make up your mind.
I don't want to be
the other woman.
I want you to be
the only woman.
Wait, what are you saying?
I... I broke it off
with Mitzi.
It was a mistake.
I know that.
It was just some
embarrassing midlife crisis.
Ray, you left me
with nothing.
I know, the prenup.
But I only did that
'cause all my friends did.
But I'm not like my friends.
I don't want three wives.
Just two.
You might have been
my second wife, but...
You've always been
my true love.
Please let me try
to make it up to you.
No prenup this time.
It wasn't about
the money, Ray.
I'm at work.
Well, come home.
I love you, Meredith.
I never stopped loving you.
Think about it.
(CAR DOOR OPENS)
(ENGINE STARTS)
(WHEELS SQUEAK)
I was trapped.
Didn't want
to interrupt.
Ray seems nice.
If it doesn't work out,
can I tap that?
(QUIETLY)
She'll like this right here.
You were right about putting
the chairs next to my desk.
Now, when I meet
with students, I'll be
like the black
Jimmy Kimmel,
which I've felt like
for a long time.
Yeah. You know,
I wanted to talk to you
about Meredith.
How long has
she worked here?
About six months,
minus the week
she was in Cabo
doing missionary work.
Hmm. And how well
do you know her?
Well, she was
an emergency hire.
We met, we laughed,
I cried,
she came on board
immediately.
Instant connection.
Just...trusted the old gut.
You know you can't trust
your gut, Carl.
You were Team Jacob.
Was I wrong?
I haven't read Eclipse yet.
I've been on the library
wait list for two years.
You got a real problem
on your hands.
I know. It's these teenagers,
they never return books.
No. It's Meredith.
Okay, your "connection"
may have clouded
your judgment.
I have the results of her
students' test scores.
Once we report these,
the school board is
gonna be all over you.
(GASPS) Oh, thank God
you're here.
You are not gonna
believe this.
Ray came back.
(PANTS)
My head is spinning.
I... I might have to take
another missionary trip
just to...figure some
of this stuff out, you know?
Carla got the test
results back.
We have a real problem
on our hands, Ms. Davis.
Why are you being
so formal?
Your students failed.
All of them.
But I worked so hard.
I mean, I really worked.
I didn't just say
I was working.
Like, I really worked hard.
I made flash cards,
I gave inspiring speeches,
I stayed after class.
I gave them
my real e-mail address.
You don't even have that.
I'm good at this, Carl.
I am.
The results are clear.
I'm sorry.
Carla was right.
Our connection
clouded my judgment.
I'm not sure
Nixon is for you.
Yeah, me neither.
Meredith...
I quit.
This isn't
where I belong.
Hi, honey. I'm home.
RAY OVER INTERCOM:
Great, I'll buzz you in.
(DOOR BUZZES)
I missed
how long it takes
for me to run into your arms.
I really can't believe
you're here.
Mmm.
Let me get you some wine.
Yolanda!
I missed you.
I missed you.
I missed this
beautiful fireplace...
Mmm.
...and beautiful
furniture
and beauti...
Nice personality maid.
Yolanda, how are you?
RAY: You really belong here,
you know?
Yeah. It does
feel like home.
Greetings, students.
Next week
we have to retake
the standardized
social studies test.
And I'm gonna
help teach you guys.
Where's Meredith?
We gave her to a farm
so she could run around
and be free.
Meredith's dead?
Hey. Where's Meredith?
I can't hold it in anymore.
She quit!
I wanted my own
class, but...
I didn't want it this way.
Wait, what?
Well, she did move
all of her stuff
out of the guesthouse
last night.
But she forgot her bag of
oregano.
I'll take that.
I'm making lasagna tonight.
Where did she go?
She chose Ray.
Now I'm never
gonna get to tap that.
Kim, what are you
talking about?
She went to go tell Ray off.
I saw them
in the parking lot.
She didn't look like
she was telling him off.
I took a body language
course at camp.
Why would she get
back together with him?
I thought she
was happy here.
Sorry.
♪ Wham, bam, here I am
♪ Goddess of the glitter
and glam
♪ Yes, catch a breath,
gotcha eating out of my hand
♪ Bam, thank you, ma'am... ♪
MEREDITH: Oh...
Where my tennis bitches at?
Mere.
Did you get a job here, too?
Uh, no.
Well, don't you
have work?
Or is it Saturday or Sunday
or teacher work day
or one of your sick weeks?
From now on, every
week's a sick week.
I'm back together with Ray.
Oh, my God!
You are!
Oh, thank God!
It was impossible
to replace you.
Replacement Meredith,
you may go.
Yeah!
(LAUGHING)
I can't believe
Meredith left.
Do you think I'll
stay friends with her?
Ms. Harris, the choir teacher,
she said we'd still be friends
when she became
a dental hygienist,
but...now I only see her
every six months.
Why would she throw away
her teaching career
for some rich guy?
Aside from that being
her unwavering plan
from the beginning.
(SCOFFS)
Ah. Hey, Carla.
How's it going?
Good. Except
for the fact that
all of Ms. Davis' students
failed the exam.
It's like the woman
has no teaching
experience whatsoever.
Oh.
How could you let
Meredith quit?
She was given a choice,
but like Carla said,
the test results
speak volumes.
We all know
Meredith struggled.
She did rent her
fourth period class out
as a cleaning service.
Best 600 bucks I ever spent.
Well, you drove Meredith back
into Ray's dumb rich arms.
Look, Carla and I are
really reconnecting,
and she told me
to get out in front
of this thing,
and she's right,
Carla's always right.
Carla's not right,
and she's engaged.
What?
Really?
Oh. Uh...
New Carl proposed last week.
She's moving on
with another Carl?
I thought he was
a rebound Carl,
and I thought
we were giving off sparks.
(BANGS TABLE)
See? My gut is wrong.
No, it's not wrong
about Meredith.
I know what
the results said,
but why are you
listening to Carla?
You have been doing
just fine without her.
You know Meredith.
Well, yeah, I know her
pretty well, too, I mean...
This juice is $15!
Mmm.
I love pressed juices.
Oh...
Are they the same
as regular juices?
(ALL LAUGHING)
So, were you guys doing
anything after lunch,
or is this it?
Well, we still
have to stretch.
Mmm-hmm.
And we're gonna compare
our charities.
We don't want to end up
with the same one.
So embarrassing.
(LAUGHS QUIETLY)
Are you marrying
new Carl?
Well, I wanted
to tell you in person.
I... I was finally ready,
and then you
wrote me that sonnet.
It's okay.
You reminded me that
I'm my own man.
Since you left, I've been
trusting my instincts.
The only time I didn't
trust myself is this week,
because you made me feel like
I still needed you. I don't.
Meredith is not your
typical teacher,
but she's a good person
and she tries hard.
You can't ask for
much more than that.
You can ask for
more than that.
Every one
of her students failed.
Even the Indians,
the Asians.
Those are the ones
you count on.
When I give
my report...
I don't care!
I believe in her!
Me, too. Carla,
I'm breaking up with you.
GINNY: Everybody!
The test results were wrong.
After Kim told me
Meredith's class failed,
I looked into it.
I wanted to confirm
my suspicions before
I said anything,
and with the help of my online
test lovers group, I have.
This is the culprit.
Am I the only one who
doesn't know why we're
looking at a pencil?
No, I don't get it.
I'm still not sure.
Okay, I didn't want
to look dumb.
Meredith?
Meredith?
Are you there?
Meredith...
POPPY:
Oh, my God.
The class war has started.
Meredith, you
don't belong here.
You belong at Nixon.
I was wrong.
Carla was wrong.
What about the tests?
You used number three pencils.
We've been tracking
some rogue number threes
with my online testing group,
and we knew they'd
shown up at Kennedy,
but we never thought
they'd end up at Nixon.
Carla rescored
your tests by hand.
Well, how did my kids do?
Totally average.
So I'm, like,
a totally average teacher?
Totally average.
I'm totally average!
We know.
I got to get back to work.
MEREDITH:
Hey, can you put, uh,
five Crab Louie salads
on Ray's tab
and wrap them up to go?
You have to try them.
And you may never be
at a country club again.
I'm proud of you, Meredith.
Well, I'm proud of my kids.
And I'm proud of you
for standing up to Carla.
It was beautiful.
Are you okay with her
getting remarried?
I think so. I'm just glad
everybody's moving on.
Mmm.
And here's
your Dark 'N' Stormy.
Thank you.
What?
Uh, no! I can't.
I haven't asked anyone
out since the divorce.
It's time for you
to move on
top of someone else.
Okay.
I don't want this
Dark 'N' Stormy...
(CLEARS THROAT)
I would like
a Dark and Even-keeled.
So you want a splash
of grapefruit?
No. I'm... I'm flirting.
I'm just really bad at it.
Oh. (LAUGHS)
Hey, great job with
the number three pencils.
Ginny's a regular
Nancy Drew.
Nancy Drew is
lesbian propaganda.
I am just a good,
old-fashioned
problem solver.
(SIGHS)
Hey. I'm glad
you're here.
Now, you want to
get out of here?
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
I can't. I'm sorry.
Is this about the cinder
block-sleeping bag combo?
'Cause I ordered a couch.
Well, a futon.
Well, I painted the
cinder blocks brown.
Joel, I chose
to come back to Nixon,
but I'm staying with Ray.
What?
You got to be kidding me.
I never meant to hurt you.
And yet you did anyway.
That's how good
you are at it.
Oh, Joel...
Joel, wait.
Ray?
Ray?
Ray.
Bunny...
Just wanted to meet
your work friends.
Is that...
Huh, huh, huh?
Hi. Uh...
Next round is on me.
I'm Ray.
I'm Ginny.
IRENE: Where's Joel?
GINNY: I don't know.
CARL: He's gone.
May I?
Yes, of course.
♪ Nah, nah-nah,
nah, nah, nah
♪ Nah-nah, nah-nah
♪ I am a fascination
♪ I'm here to blow your mind
♪ I'll give 'em education
♪ Give me the wine and dine
♪ Hey!
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah
♪ Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah! ♪