Bad Teacher (2014): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Bottle - full transcript

Hello, everyone.

Guys...

Hello?

Um...

Everyone...

Uh, Kim, how long have you been

trying to get everyone's attention?

I guess my whole life.

JOEL: No, in here. Like, right now.

Oh. Like ten minutes.

Okay. Hold this.



(toots whistle)

Um, you guys, my parents were so excited

that I passed the teacher's exam

that they gave me their
credit card to celebrate.

And I was like, "What?"

And they were like, "Yeah".

And I was like, "Really?"

And they were like, "Yes, Kim,

we're scientists. We don't make jokes."

Well, you should just take your
friends out to dinner or something.

Yes. Could we all do Friday?

- Ooh...
- MEREDITH: Wait, us?

No, no, no, no. I meant real friends.

- Like people you see at night.
- Oh, I don't see anyone at night.



I got to get my 16 hours of sleep.

I heard that.

So who is in?

I'm in!

I can go.

I'm in!

Okay, Mr. Pilaf, you can come.

I just have to make sure
it's okay with my wives.

Wives?

Hmm. What about you, Meredith?

Oh. Um, Friday's actually my 30th birthday.

Oh! Oh, my gosh. Happy birthday! Whoa!

- Dirty 30!
- (groans)

Don't ever say that.
Yuck. Yeah, I'm gonna be

spending it with a 30-year-old bottle

of champagne my ex-husband gave me.

And my best friend from college,

Alex, is flying in from
Dallas. She's amazing.

She's, like, a total
queen bee of our group.

I basically hate everybody except for her.

Why don't you bring her to Kim's dinner?

MEREDITH: I can't do that for

so many reasons. Mainly because

I'm planning a little intimate
birthday, about 100 old friends

on a yacht. Everybody thought

I was so down and out
after Ray divorced me,

but they're about to
see that Meredith Davis

cannot be held down for long.

Unless I want to be.
And there's a safe word.

- What?
- CARL: Oh, hey, can you change

your party to another night?

I'm available Saturday,
Sunday, the rest of the week

and the whole month. And, uh,
Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Oh, no. I can't move it. So bummed.

Then, Kim, could you move your
party? That way we could...

MEREDITH: No. Don't move it.

I mean, I would feel terrible.

This is Kim's night!

Oh. I wish we could do both.

It feels weird not
celebrating with Mer... Edith.

- Meredith.
- JOEL: Well, we could just swing by after.

We will be dressed up.

Now we have to dress up?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You guys go celebrate with Kim,

such an accomplishment,

that thing that... she did,
that she was, uh, talking about

- earlier.
- (Phone rings)

Oh. Hi.

Jerry, how's my yacht looking?

Covered in streamers yet?

We have to cancel the party.

- Wait, what?
- My boss didn't know

you and Ray got divorced.

Now, when he approved the free rental,

he thought he was doing it for the wife

of So Cal's biggest yacht dealer.

Now, if you could get
Ray's new girlfriend Mitzi

to put in a good word for you,
then we'd be cooking with gas.

I invited 100 people, Jerry. Is
there anything you can give me?

How do you feel about spending
your birthday on a Sea-Doo?

- Jerry!
- I'm sorry. At least you got

that 30-year-old bottle of
champagne Ray got for you.

(sighs)

(phone rings)

- Hello?
- BRIE: Hey, Mere-bear,

so Ray refuses to give back the champagne.

I'm sorry. At least you have the yacht.

♪ Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪

♪ Nah-nah, nah-nah ♪

♪ I am a fascination ♪

♪ I'm here to blow your mind ♪

♪ I'll give 'em education ♪

♪ Give me the wine and dine ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah ♪

♪ Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah! ♪

Hi. Is this the Eastmore Hotel? Yes, hi.

I was groped there earlier today,

and I'm willing to not press charges

if you let me use the ballroom
for free on Friday night.

Hello? Hel...

(clicks tongue)

JOEL: Hey.

What's wrong?

Well, I lost the yacht
for my birthday party.

So much for showing
everybody I'm still somebody.

And Ray's refusing to give me the champagne

that he bought me. It was a gift.

(groans) Classic public
school teacher problems.

Yeah. You know, you should just

come out with us Friday night.

- Kim's taking us all to Winston's.
- Winston's?

- Yeah.
- That's one of the best steak houses in the country.

I know. They serve Kobe beef from
cows that were only fed Kobe beef.

- Oh.
- Apparently Kim's family is pretty loaded.

They are?

Kimmy. (Chuckles) Hi, you.

Hi.

I've been thinking a lot about your dinner.

Uh, weird. I've been thinking
a lot about your breakfast.

How many Tic Tacs do you usually eat?

It may be my birthday,

but you only pass that
important teaching test once.

And I just hate thinking about
you guys celebrating without me.

Awesome. I'll let Winston's know.

We're having special cows flown in.

No, I think we need to do
something bigger to celebrate you,

not just some steak dinner with the gang.

Something huge that you pay for. Okay...

(clears throat) Describe to me

- your ideal party.
- Well, I'm wearing this exact fit,

but my side pony is braided and teased.

Celine Dion is there, but
she doesn't have to sing

unless she wants to, which I
hope she does, but no pressure.

There is a dance floor, but I won't
dance on account of my vertigo.

But I will limbo.

Great! Okay, so everything
you're saying to me

points directly to a yacht party.

I'll take care of all
the details... you just

give me your credit card
info. Whenever you're ready.

But I just said I get vertigo.

What about having a party at Juanita's?

That's got a casual-
yet-festive atmosphere,

and I could invite a bunch more teachers.

Um... sure.

It's just that somebody
suggested yacht partying,

and I feel like...

Oh, my doctor would never allow it.

Okay. How about a dance club?

Strobe lights affect
my seasonal depression.

- Rooftop bar.
- Oh, I'm scared of heights.

- Underground wine cellar.
- Oh, I'm scared of depths.

Juanita's it is!

(forced laugh) Oh, um...

You wouldn't mind if I invite
a few friends, would you?

- To celebrate me passing the test?
- Yeah.

I have some friends that are
super interested in education.

You are gonna love them.

Peas in a pod!

♪ ♪

Hello?

- Hey!
- (Laughter)

- Wow, you guys sure are prompt.
- KIM: A balloon bouquet?

For me?

Oh, thank you so much! I'm
gonna go put these in water.

Man, look at these decorations.

Why? What's wrong with it?

It's fantastic.

It's ridiculous!

I mean, a dinner with friends is one thing,

but this is just too much.

Pride cometh before the fall.

That's why my parents burned
all my graduation gifts

in the backyard barbecue pit.

Okay. Uh, this is an
open bar, though, right?

Yep, I already checked.

Oh, Meredith. We got you a present.

Did not want your birthday
to go unrecognized.

Oh, God, it is my birthday, isn't it?

I just keep forgetting.

PILAF (chuckles): We all pitched in.

Except for Irene, who's still
in Reno at the Ferret Nationals,

whatever that is.

I hope everyone realizes how important

this party is to Kim, and shows up,

and aren't disappointed
that it's not on a boat.

Michael and I showed up for

my Semester at Sea, and it was moved

to a double-wide trailer in a parking lot

next to the football stadium

because of budget reasons.

It was a wonderful four months.

KIM: Check it out, guys! A piñata!

I know what you're thinking.

Yes, I made it by hand, and yes,

the eyes are inspired by Ginny.

PILAF (chuckles): Gorgeous.

Just gorgeous.

KIM: Ginny, do you like the piñata?

If I'm gonna hit a donkey with a stick,

I want it to go faster, not give me candy.

MEREDITH: You know what, I think I found

the perfect place for that piñata...

in the kitchen!

(laughing)

Are you ready?

- WOMAN: Hey.
- MEREDITH: Oh, excuse me,

but they don't serve
skanky-ass sluts here.

Then why are you holding a drink?

(happy screams, laughing)

Hot bitch sandwich!

Alex, you look amazing.

Oh, thank you. You, too.

That's Meredith's old best friend!

The queen bee of her group...
I cannot wait to meet her.

Hi!

You guys...

Look at how hysterical
this place is, right?

Just silly and fun. Purely intentional.

All irony, all the time.

I guess they're going to get
drinks before the introductions.

You kitschy little bitch.

- I love theme parties.
- Yeah,

- it's a theme.
- It's like when

we were poor in college and
we could barely afford food.

(laughs): Yeah! Yeah,
that's why we didn't eat.

(laughter) Hey, who were those
people you were talking to

when we walked in? Are they other friends?

Those are just coworkers who
crashed. What are you gonna do?

I'm so happy you're here.

Oh, this is great, Meredith.
Honestly, when I heard

your party was moving from a
yacht to a Mexican restaurant,

I was afraid I was gonna have
to fake another ruptured implant.

(laughs): Oh, no. Hey, that's

what you said when you had

to miss Lily's Bat Mitzvah.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

- Honey, that was real.
- Oh.

(gasps)

MEREDITH: Karen, Lisa,

Denise, Paul.

Paul's new boyfriend.

Paul's ex-wife. You made up!

Oh, my God!

I'm so happy you're at
my super fun campy party!

Yay! Mwa!

Oh, who's Kim?

Typo.

- Perfect!
- (Laughing)

Who are all these people with Meredith?

And isn't that Lily's stepmom, Brie?

Does anybody else think this is weird?

Meredith asked if she
could bring a few friends.

- Really?
- ALL: Happy birthday, Meredith!

(yells)

(people cheering)

♪ ♪

Hey-hey, hi. Hi.

Kim said you invited a few friends.

These are a few friends?

Yep. And they're all here to celebrate Kim.

I mean, they're
giving her her space...

you know, 'cause she's
just so busy hosting...

but yeah, I mean, they're all here for her.

Okay, and what about the... the cake?

Oh, that's for me and Kim.

JOEL: Really.

Hey, uh, you're here
to celebrate Kim, right?

Who's Kim?

Exactly.

Enjoy your drinks, ladies.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Ginny, where do you
think I should put the piñata?

I don't care. This is over the top.

But piñatas are fun.

No, they aren't.

You put a lot of work into a piñata.

You let it into your life.

You fill it with candy.

You grow attached to it.

And then one day it just leaves.

Wait, I see what's going on here.

You don't understand piñatas at all.

You're sad about losing Kim.

What?!

No, I'm not.

Student teachers like
her are a dime a dozen.

I'm happy Kim is becoming a teacher.

I just don't think you have to throw

her a parade to celebrate it.

I'm just a humble math teacher,

but you should tell her how you feel.

I'm not a hippie.

Who asked you?

Hey, hey, hey. Alex?

That's right.

Carl.

I'm sorry?

I'm Meredith's new best friend Carl.

I'm sure you heard about me.

Principal Carl?

Carl Gaines.

Carl Maurice Gaines?

- Sorry.
- Divorced buddy, chocolate thunder.

No, nothing.

You do look familiar.

- I do?
- Yeah.

- Do you vacation in the Hamptons?
- Oh, always.

Love Hampton Inns, but I do not
know how they're making money,

handing out those free
waffles every morning.

That was Alex.

Hey, do you mind moving down?

I... I'm sorry. A few more down.

Sorry, we're gonna need to
squeeze a couple more in.

There are no seats left.

There's a table against the wall.

Oh.

Excuse me. Can you move these coats?

We need the space.

Oh. Our coats are using this table.

Can't you just put 'em
somewhere else, like on the backs

- of your chairs?
- Look, I hate

that Meredith saved seats for her besties

and forgot about her random coworkers.

Thanks for understanding.

Meredith, this party is so campy and fun.

Right?

Yeah. Everyone's talking about you.

And not in the usual mean,
catty, behind-your-back way.

- In, like, an awesome way.
- Yeah.

- Everybody's here.
- And everybody is having a blast.

We miss you so much.

Thank you. I really needed to hear that.

This is ridiculous! Here. You know what?

Grab the rest. We'll
put 'em in the coat room.

Good idea, Kotsky.

I am too old to eat
Mexican food standing up.

Um, Brie told me you stole their coats.

No, we put 'em in the entryway.

They're right over there.

You cannot move people's stuff.

For me, it was a classic
peer pressure situation.

(Pilaf laughs)

Why are you blowing this for me?

It's not your party.

It's Kim's party.

I need this.

I'm 30, and I hate where my life is at.

Everyone at the country club has been

referring to me as "you-know-who."

The last "you-know-who"

was a dentist who knocked out his patients

and used their hands to fondle himself.

But tonight,

I'm back in a big way.

And besides, Kim's having fun.

This is probably the
best party she ever had.

This is probably the
best party I've ever had!

If you're really one of these people...

- I am one of these people.
- Then why are you working so hard to prove it?

We are the ones who
like you for who you are.

They like me for who I am.

All I know is that we would've come

to your party even if that
meant buying our own drinks.

Hey, I finally remembered
where I know you from.

- Facebook.
- I'm pretty sure

you and I aren't friends unless...

You aren't the San Diego Chicken, are you?

I saw you on Meredith's page.

She posted this video
of you a few months ago.

(laughs) "Hilarious Crying Dude" ?

(crying)

(low sigh) (laughing): You're so funny.

(coughs twice)

Just like we talked about, Toby.

I'll make it quick.

Guys, I'm gonna try out the piñata.

Hey, hey. Watch this.

What is she gonna do?

KIM: Hey, guys, look!

(gasps)

Oh!

Kim!

Are you okay?

I think so.

Oh, I'm sorry

I wasn't celebrating you, but
I'm just so sad about losing you.

You're the best student
teacher I've ever had.

And I love piñatas.

Oh, Ginny!

Okay! Ooh... da!

She's fine. She's fine.

Nothing made it into her eyes.

Seriously, what is wrong with you guys?

You move the piñata up and down.

That's the game.

That's the game, Joel.

Gosh, Meredith, your coworkers

- take themselves way too seriously.
- (Laughs): Yeah.

I'm ready to go. I'm so cold.

Let's go.

Guys?

I'd rather be Ron's plus one at home

than a Facebook joke here.

Yeah, that's right, Meredith.

I saw "Hilarious Crying Dude".

And personally, I would've called it

"The Strong Black Man Shows His Emotions".

But nobody cares what I think.

And I did put that in the comment section.

Well, I guess you got the party you wanted.

Congrats.

Don't worry.

I'm leaving the tab open
for you and your friends.

It seems important to you.

Happy birthday.

BRIE: I'm so glad all your coworkers left.

Yeah, they were really
bringing the party down.

Yeah, like, who brings a piñata

to someone else's party? It's so rude.

It's, like, she took over your whole thing.

Yeah, on a night like tonight.

Mere, this is your night.

Yeah, it's my night.

Mere, we should open presents!

BOTH: Yay!

Yay.

(gasps)

You got Ray to give me
back my bottle of champagne?

- You knew how much this meant to me.
- No.

Your jerk of an ex-husband
still won't give it back.

Then who bought this?

Those teachers got you this?

"Cash for Gold" had a busy day.

(both laugh)

What is your guys' problem with them?

We don't have a problem with them.

They're just... different.

Yeah. Different.

You know what? I really don't
feel like celebrating anymore.

Well, we were gonna hit another party.

Do you not want to come?

Yeah, I think I better
just call it a night.

Hey, everybody!

Follow Brie and Alex to the next party.

This tab is closed.

Thanks for coming.

It's fine.

What?

Is she serious?

Ugh.

You're turning 30.

So, we brought out our Birthday Bombo.

(playing drum)

♪ Happy birthday from
Juanita's to you ♪

- * Olé! *
- Okay.

(teachers yelling and cheering)

More taffy?!

Piñatas are so awesome!

You know, when you think about Mexico,

you think about the cartels,

but this is the other side of it.

Can I have another turn?

Of course, Kim, it's your party.

Come on, Kim!

- Go, Kim!
- (Whoops)

MAN: Hi, excuse me?

Somebody order from Winston's?

We got a bunch of Kobe steaks here.

Sweet miracle, Kim, you're
like an angel from heaven.

If it wouldn't cost me my job,

I would kiss you all over your face.

Uh, it wasn't me.

They're from me.

We should've just done what
Kim wanted to do all along.

I made tonight about myself,

and it really should've been about Kim.

Thank you, Meredith. I
don't know how I can...

(shushes)

Not yet. I'm still talking.

I've been trying so hard to get back

to who I was that I forgot that

where I am isn't so terrible.

I'm glad you're here. I know Alex
was the queen bee of your group,

but you're the queen bee of ours.

JOEL: Somehow you've brought us

all closer together,

you skanky-ass slut.

- Aw, so sweet.
- Aw!

And I know Kim didn't
mean to invite me...

that I just happened to be
in the teachers' lounge...

but I'm glad she did.

This has truly been the
greatest night of my life.

Okay!

- I'll drink to that.
- (Whoops)

(all cheering)

You got the cups? Okay.

I'm sorry about the
Facebook stuff, seriously.

I mean, it was the first week of school.

We weren't close yet.

Yeah, I saw the date.

I know you'd never do something like that.

Not now that we're best friends.

Did you see how many likes it got?

500!

Five hundy?

You mean I've gone viral?

Carl Maurice Gaines has gone viral.

(laughs)

Thank you.

Thank you.

Happy birthday, Meredith!

- Yeah, happy birthday!
- (All whooping)

MAN: Seems like you're
having a private moment,

so I really just need a signature.

Mm-hmm.

I literally never thought I would end up

in a middle school teachers' lounge

on my 30th birthday.

Oh, were you picturing the cafetorium?

Because, you know, it's
probably still unlocked.

- (cell phone ringing)
- You want me to go check?

_

Is that the, uh... the bitch sandwich?

Uh, yeah.

What do they want?

- Another chance.
- Oh.