Bad Education (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Christmas - full transcript
Alfie is reluctant to direct the end of term Christmas play given that his mother failed to turn up to see him in his primary school play. However, when the class cannot decide on 'The Nutcracker' or 'Robocop' as their choice Alfie writes 'Robocracker' about a super-hero who saves the world. Though it is very bizarre it goes down a storm - even with Bonehead, the Scots tramp and former actor Alfie met helping Miss Gulliver at the soup kitchen, in the audience. Furthermore Mitchell and Fraser have contacted Alfie's mother in Spain and she turns up with her husband Javier to be impressed by her son's effort. And to round off a perfect day Miss Gulliver tells Alfie she loves him.
Every year I'd explain
to Miss Pickwell
that the Nativity
is about Jesus being born,
not him being beaten, whipped
and crucified in real time.
Yeah, she also went a little bit
heavy with the Jew-bashing.
Pro Green was a shoe-in
to replace her, but she's, er....
On honeymoon with my dad,
yes, I know.
I'm trying not to think about it.
My point is, there'll be no Xmas play
unless you step up to the plate.
OK, Fraser, I'll tell you
why I'm not going to do the play.
I was like everyone else...
when I was growing up, Nativities
were the highlight of my Christmas.
And then, one year,
I got the best part I'd ever got.
Joseph?
Mole 2.
Were there moles in the manger?
Er, yes.
My mum promised
that she'd come and watch me...
And I went out on stage,
do you know what I saw?
Nothing? Moles are blind. No...
My mum's empty chair.
And that poor little mole just wanted
to burrow down into the ground and disappear.
But look,
you don't have to do a Nativity!
It's time
for a non-denominational show.
Give a shout out
to "all de religion"!
Hey, but don't forget mine.
I'm a Belieber!
Yeah, well I'm a Bl-atheist.
Actually, technically,
I think I'd be Bl-agnostic.
I mean, I'd slag him off
but if he walked in the door now,
I'd be all over him like a rash.
Woo-hoo! Banter Claus just pulled
a big one from his gag sack.
Kill me. Hey,
you've got to get Stephen involved!
That guy knows how to put on a show.
Remember his one-man Precious?
Superb!
Fiddler on the Heath?
Barnstorming.
And that biopic of Cheryl Cole...
Libellous.
Anyhoo, question, remember how you
sent your end-of-term reports via text?
Yeah, one of my best ideas ever.
Yeah, well, the school governors
don't seem to think so.
Dicks!
They're quite keen for me
to fire you.
But you put on this play,
and I'll save your heiney
by throwing this ass in front
of the governors' spanking hands.
All right.
I'll do your shitty little play.
But, just so you know,
I hate Christmas shows.
We have done some perfectly good
stuff earlier in the year,
and now we have to ruin it by
cobbling together some under-thought
through festive bollocks
with a load of shit Christmas music.
Who got me a ticket to West Ham?
I'm Millwall till I die.
OK, so six of you have voted for The Nutcracker
and five of you have voted for Robocop.
So we're doing the Nutcracker?
Oh, someone's changed their tune
on democracy.
But you're forgetting, Jing,
I also get a vote.
So what are we going to do?
Got it.
That's our play.
Robocracker?
Does that exist?
Not yet, my friend. Not yet.
Oh, God,
we've read your scripts before.
What do you mean, "Oh, God"? You
don't really do subtlety, do you?
Er, subtlety can lick my balls
and then eat a plate of my ass for dessert.
I'll just go on Wikipedia,
bosh out a plot mash-up.
That's not going to work.
Er, yes, it will.
What's the best
film of the last 20 years?
Saw 4. Saw 5.
Hunger Games. Meet the Fockers.
Lolita.
Hmm, Rush Hour's a good shout, Jing,
but the correct answer
is Alien Vs Predator.
A plot mash-up.
Mate, if my dad finds out I've been
on stage, he'll cut me out the will.
So you won't have to inherit
his shitty tracksuits?
That makes two of us! You won't be
getting your mum's clothes, cos they're
all over my bedroom floor!
Guys, stop being mean
about each other's families.
Your parents are all so supportive
of you.
You might not realise it now,
but you won't appreciate how much
they love you, until your mum's gone...
..to live in Spain,
with Javier and their children.
Gay!
Come on, sir.
You write your masterpiece,
I'll help you organise auditions.
Thanks, Jing.
Oh, and I forgot to say, we have
to give a shout out to all the religions.
Christianity, Buddhism, Islam...
what's China, Jing?
Predominantly atheists. So, what,
you don't get to do Christmas?
That seems a bit unfair
considering you make all the toys.
That's like the elves not having it.
Did you just compare...?
On the subject of presents,
Mitchell, how is Miss Gulliver's?
Yeah. Dad's sorted it. One of
his mates owns a donkey sanctuary.
You're buying Miss Gulliver a donkey?
Adopting her a donkey.
You know, she loves animals... and they're
a lot cheaper than snow leopards.
OK, spread the word.
Casting's at break, so pick your own
audition pieces and choose them wisely.
OK, Stephen, what scene from
Flashdance are you doing today?
All of it. All of it?
You've only got a minute.
Just shut up and press play.
And who are you?
Professor Xavier. X-Men, innit?
I can read your mind, bruv.
Yeah, sure.
What am I thinking now?
Tits.
Tits!
How does he do it?
So, Chantelle, where have you taken
your scene from?
Basic Instinct.
Basic Instinct...?
Oh, my God! Do not move your legs!
Obviously, you're in the play.
That was amazing.
Sorted.
We still only have one good actor.
Yeah, that's all you need.
One good one,
then you don't realise how terrible
the other ones actually are.
It's like the Kardashians. Really?
Yeah, as a triptych, fit.
But you take Kim
out of the equation,
Kourtney suddenly looks like she
should be sat underneath a bridge
that she guards, eating goats.
Now, look, Frank,
there's no need to take the piss...
I've come to audition, innit?
Your dance was, like, good and shit.
Oh, thanks, babes.
Oh, whatever, man. I'm not bothered.
Well, OK, um... in your own time.
This is going to be perfect, Jing.
He'll be like Plan B, all moody
but with an amazing talent
hidden between
the urban, slightly stabby facade.
Where is my Romeo?
What's here?
A cup, closed in my love's true hand?
Poison, I see,
hath been his timeless end.
He sounds like he's taking a shit.
I will kiss thy lips...
OK, right, good.
Er...
so, let's start with the positives.
Volume.
It was very loud.
I heard every word, as I think
did the whole of Hertfordshire.
So what part am I going to play?
Er, unfortunately, Frank, there are
a lot of really great actors out there.
What part? I'm afraid,
there isn't a role for you...
What... part?
The lead? What? The co-lead.
Yes, like in Rush Hour.
Thanks, Jing.
Nice save.
You all right, sir?
I'm snow-K, you?
Yeah, not too bad.
Yours-elf?
Oh, Rudolph, Donner,
Blitzen and Banter!
Can I get Mr Wickers' mum's number,
please, sir?
It's on the toilet wall. Yeah,
I tried that one. It weren't real.
Sorry, why do you want it?
I'm arranging Mr Wickers a nice surprise.
Genuinely nice? Yeah.
It's Christmas.
I want to invite her
to Mr Wickers' play. Wow!
Do you know what, hustler, I think
I'm going to drop that goodwill pill
you just scored me.
Although Alfie's not seen her
in years.
Well, you've got to convince her
then. Make something up. Right-oh.
Hello, is that Mrs Wickers?
Sorry, currently Mrs Garcia-Ramires!
Yes, it's Mr Fraser here.
Alfie's...
..been in a horrific car crash.
OK, so this is Robocracker.
In a world without hope, lived an
angry maladjusted delinquent boy.
That is you, Frank.
Frank wakes up Christmas morning, finds
beneath the tree a doll, it's Robocracker.
That's you, Stephen.
Christmas miracle,
Robocracker's alive!
And him and the delinquent boy set
about to bring peace to the world.
Sprinkle in a couple of explosions, throw in a
sex scene, bish bash bosh, who smells BAFTA?
You can't win a BAFTA
for a theatre show.
All the parts are cast, except
for the role of the villain...
North Korean despot, Kim Jong-un.
Oh, who, oh, who
could play that part?
You want me to play an overweight
middle-aged North Korean man?
Er, no, Jing, we're not talking
about a lazy stereotype here.
We are talking about a
three-dimensional, very rounded character,
a very rounded
sort of, chubby oddball loner...
Just give me the script.
Joe, you are going to make
a brilliant not-so-Lil' Kim.
How is Kim Jong-un in Robocracker?
Because Kim Jong-un
wants to capture Robocracker
so he can use his robotic heart to
power a missile that can destroy the world.
Only when he gets hold of the heart,
he realises it's not robotic,
it's actually the heart
of a real boy.
It's actually very obvious
if you think about it, Jing.
Thank you, sir, it's beautiful.
Why can't we just do Shakespeare?
For the same reason
that I don't watch Question Time.
Because it's boring, confusing
and the audience laugh at a load of jokes
that no normal person
would ever understand.
So, how do we create a loyal,
trusting, happy environment?
Everyone get naked?
No.
What we do is we all lie on the floor,
and then take turns to roll over each other.
Pick a partner.
I'll take Joe.
When you're ready, just over you go.
Nearly there, big guy...
Oh, my back!
Argh!
Rem Dogg!
Is it my go, sir? No, no...
Trust me, sir!
Where are you going?
Trust me!
Hello.
Er,
we were just doing a trust exercise.
Right.
Er, I was wondering who's coming
on our special outing this evening?
Oh, shit! Sorry. I forgot to ask!
Er, guys, do any of you want to go
with Miss Gulliver...
And Mr Wickers. And me...
to a lovely, trampy soup kitchen?
I'm not going tramp-wanking.
Er, there's no wanking involved,
Mitchell.
Is there?
Why would we wank off tramps?
To keep them warm?
Does anyone want to volunteer?
The thing is, Rosie,
er, we're kind of doing this play,
so we don't really have
much spare time.
Plus, I don't speak Scottish,
so me and tramps don't really...
Alfie, I am going to make you
stick to your promise.
Well, I'm sorry,
I have to do this play.
I need to get the governors
back on board.
So I'm afraid on this occasion
I am putting my foot down.
Isn't this fun?
Aren't you glad I made you come?
Yeah!
Gie us some Bucky, pal!
Bucky? It's alcohol.
Yeah, look, I'm afraid we only serve
soup in this soup kitchen.
Get tae fuck, ya sleekit wee bastard,
gie us some Bucky or ye'll end up
in a ditch, you toff buftie!
OK, is that Scottish for,
"Yes, please, with croutons"?
Oi, dinnae you be tellin' me
whit tae dae!
You're nae the boss o' me,
ya doss radge dug.
Ah, what a lovely doggie!
What's his name?
Er...
"If found, please call 020..."
Och, numbers.
What an odd name to give a dog.
No, no, he's no' mine.
I stole him aff some numpty-heided
bastard who tried
tae gie me a doin' in the street.
How awful.
Aye, he came at us wi' a stick!
Eh, eh! But I got it off him.
Cos nae-one messes wi' Boney.
I'll sell it tae youse if ye like,
yeah, no?
Got these an' all.
Brand-new, like.
Sir!
Aren't tramps lovely?
Sir, what sort of donkey do you want,
a boy or a girl?
Just whatever looks cutest.
But, Robocracker, how can we cure
AIDS with no music to dance to?
Never fear, Frank, because I happen
to be best friends with Bono!
And then you hug him.
I'm not hugging any blokes.
Lads, can I gie ye
a wee bit of advice?
Think of yourselves as blank canvases
on to which your characters'
motivations are projected,
ye ken what I'm saying?
Sorry, what do you know about drama?
What don't I know about drama, you,
ya jobby-jabber!
Ah ken maybe no' to look at me, right,
but I huvnae always been a dirty Jake!
See back in the day, I was one of the
most famous actors in my generation.
Really?
You name it, I've done it.
Corporate videos, part in Taggart,
even done a run at the RSC...
..and then the work dried up,
worse than a swamp donkey's fud.
I can only imagine what that is.
Aye, Ah hit the Bucky,
Ah hit the wife,
Ah hit the streets, living rough,
begging for booze money.
And then, aye,
then things got really bad.
Did you get into heroin?
I got into Hollyoaks.
Ah, Mrs Hegarty. Hi. Good evening.
Ah! Mr Bonehead,
so pleased you could make it.
Where's the bar? I need a drink.
Ah, who invited those guys?
I did. I thought you'd like it.
I get that they're homeless, right,
but they could have made a bit of effort.
That guy over there's not even got
any shoes on.
Now this is what I'm talking about.
A tramp that's made a little bit
of bloody effort.
Yeah, sure you've kept the old
clunge sponge, but at least
you've found yourself a suit!
You've had a wash.
And... you're a governor.
Mr Hardside.
I've just remembered now...
I'm awfully sorry, I hope you
have a wonderful evening.
Mrs Wickers is at Gatwick.
How are we going to explain her son's
sudden recovery from a ten-car pileup?
Our options are: a) Christmas
miracle or two) actually maim Alf.
No, I'm one step ahead of you, sir.
Me Dad's got a load of these left
over from making whiplash claims.
He's saving up for a car.
Brill-cream!
Mr Wickers! Go!
We need to get everyone inside. Alf,
quickly, you need to put this on.
Elf 'n' safety!
Get it?
But seriously, narrators
can get hurt doing all that reading.
Argh!
God bless, Mazeltov, Allah Akbar.
Arsene Wenger,
balls-bis hiya waya!
Little bit of housekeeping, this
school does have toilet facilities.
That one was mainly aimed
at the gentleman at the back.
I can see you.
Get tae fuck!
And a very merry Christmas to you,
sir.
Over to you, Mr Wickers.
Drop it like it's hot.
It was the night before Christmas
and all through the house not a creature
was stirring, not even a mouse.
Oh, get off me, you bell-end!
Our hero is Frank,
a ten-year-old boy.
Why aren't you wearing your costume?
I'm not wearing tights, man.
Oh! Frank's parents are poor,
no presents today,
unless... hark!
What is this? It is Santa
with reindeer and sleigh!
"Ho ho ho!
"I'll fetch Frank's presents,"
Santa did say,
as he stroked on his beard
and got out of his sleigh.
I'm in a wheelchair, dickhead!
As one of his reindeer went to
fetch the present whilst Santa
stayed put in his sleigh.
Let me out.
I can't breathe!
Day turned to night.
And then night turned to day.
Why did I bother getting out of bed?
Frank did say, very loudly.
Let me out! This is shite!
What did you say?
But under the tree...
I can't breathe!
..What's this that Frank spies!
It's Robocracker.
Frank can't believe his eyes!
Are you all right?
I couldn't breathe in that box!
Frank makes a wish
that Santa does hear,
"Make this doll come to life
"and I'll stop drinking beer
behind the bike sheds
"and being a massive bully
"and constantly going on about
how one of his teachers got bummed
at boarding school."
FYI the only person that's ever touched my
bum is my friend Atticus Hoye, like, once,
when we were at the Eden Project,
this one time.
Gay!
Mitchell,
you can't heckle your own show.
Frank and his friend set out on a
quest, until they'd helped everyone,
they would not rest.
Who wrote this shite?
I've seen jobbies come out of my arse
with better structure than this.
Argh!
No! This is my solo.
I can't see anything
in this stupid helmet! Oi, sir!
Mitchell, come here!
It's so unprofessional.
Pull your trousers up!
Get off!
Mitchell, stop it!
Get off. You idiot!
Interval!
Meanwhile, in Jerusalem...
I called shotgun on the Holy Land,
you wanktard.
Oh, do one!
Jerusalem is mine, you Jap's eye!
I'm going to pin you down
and teabag ya.
Come on, get the cogs in here.
Not even in the script.
But here comes Robocracker.
He has an idea of a neutral shared
city in a two-state solution,
which he will explain through
the medium of expressive dance.
That's right.
It's now time
for the Tolerance Dance!
Yeah, Robocracker brings
everyone together.
It's a miracle!
Ah, it's in my bloody eye.
It's a miracle!
They've put an end to heartache
and loss,
but now our brave pair
must take on the boss.
I'll get you, Robocracker!
No, you shan't for I am a real boy!
Where is my Romeo?
Poison, I see,
hath been his timeless end.
I will kiss thy lips...
happily some poison
yet doth hang on them.
Thy lips are warm.
Let me die!
Alas there's no hope, no treatment,
no drug, as Robo's life fades away,
Frank bids adieu with a hu...
Hug!
In the script it says hug.
But what's this?
Robocracker has been reincarnated
and finally he's a real boy!
The end!
Come on, you lot. Out you get.
Haven't you got homes to go to?
Well done.
Oh, thank you.
Fair do's.
Your narrative arc was engaging,
but the pleasurable representations
dinnae depend on the likeness of the thing
that they are portraying. You know
what I mean, ya minging bag o' shite?
Oh, I'll bear that in mind
for next time.
My brave little baby!
Mummy.
I can't believe you came.
We came as soon as we heard
about the accident.
The accident? Me...
..forgetting to put her invite in
the fricking post, that accident!
You invited my mum?
Well, it was Mr Mitchell's idea.
Don't go soppy on me, Dickers.
And Uncle Javier is here too!
Great, Uncle Javier.
I've really missed him.
Oh, me valiente hombre.
Alfie,
Uncle Javier is so proud of you.
We're going to find the men who put you in
this chair, and we're going to make them pay.
Can someone stop Fernando Torres
trying' to bum me?
Javier, that's not Alfie.
This is... Hi.
Hey.
I knew it.
It was a little joke.
Er, Mum, Javier, this is the girl
I've been telling you about.
Rosie.
It's so nice to meet you.
So will you be staying
for Christmas?
We are going to stay
until little Alfie is better.
We better head to Alfie's classroom
for Christmas dinner!
Who wants turkey!
So did you get the West Ham ticket?
Oh, you got me that?
So do you want to go?
All right, yeah.
I mean, it don't mean nothing
or, like, whatever...
You can give up that act now, babes.
Guess what I done with them crackers?
What?
Swapped the jokes.
Here's one for you.
What do nine out of ten people
enjoy?
Gang ra...
Rawr!
An impression of a lion.
Excuse me, ladies and gents.
Er, just going to go down the hallway
to only use your lavatory.
Er, so, thank youse.
Aw, Bonehead's got his life back
on track.
Your play really helped him.
I just think it's great that we've been
able to show him the bigger picture. Mmm.
Oh, I got you
a tiny silly little present thing.
Mitchell,
how's that donkey coming along?
It arrived from Romania
about an hour ago.
Oh, amazing.
Have you got the certificate?
What certificate?
Right, here's half the donkey.
The rest I gave to the kitchens.
I figured you couldn't eat it all.
Alfredo, this meat is lovely!
It's so bloody moist!
B-Buble!
Does this mean we can listen to it
every day until Christmas?
I guess I must really love you.
Sir's got a boner!
Mitchell!
to Miss Pickwell
that the Nativity
is about Jesus being born,
not him being beaten, whipped
and crucified in real time.
Yeah, she also went a little bit
heavy with the Jew-bashing.
Pro Green was a shoe-in
to replace her, but she's, er....
On honeymoon with my dad,
yes, I know.
I'm trying not to think about it.
My point is, there'll be no Xmas play
unless you step up to the plate.
OK, Fraser, I'll tell you
why I'm not going to do the play.
I was like everyone else...
when I was growing up, Nativities
were the highlight of my Christmas.
And then, one year,
I got the best part I'd ever got.
Joseph?
Mole 2.
Were there moles in the manger?
Er, yes.
My mum promised
that she'd come and watch me...
And I went out on stage,
do you know what I saw?
Nothing? Moles are blind. No...
My mum's empty chair.
And that poor little mole just wanted
to burrow down into the ground and disappear.
But look,
you don't have to do a Nativity!
It's time
for a non-denominational show.
Give a shout out
to "all de religion"!
Hey, but don't forget mine.
I'm a Belieber!
Yeah, well I'm a Bl-atheist.
Actually, technically,
I think I'd be Bl-agnostic.
I mean, I'd slag him off
but if he walked in the door now,
I'd be all over him like a rash.
Woo-hoo! Banter Claus just pulled
a big one from his gag sack.
Kill me. Hey,
you've got to get Stephen involved!
That guy knows how to put on a show.
Remember his one-man Precious?
Superb!
Fiddler on the Heath?
Barnstorming.
And that biopic of Cheryl Cole...
Libellous.
Anyhoo, question, remember how you
sent your end-of-term reports via text?
Yeah, one of my best ideas ever.
Yeah, well, the school governors
don't seem to think so.
Dicks!
They're quite keen for me
to fire you.
But you put on this play,
and I'll save your heiney
by throwing this ass in front
of the governors' spanking hands.
All right.
I'll do your shitty little play.
But, just so you know,
I hate Christmas shows.
We have done some perfectly good
stuff earlier in the year,
and now we have to ruin it by
cobbling together some under-thought
through festive bollocks
with a load of shit Christmas music.
Who got me a ticket to West Ham?
I'm Millwall till I die.
OK, so six of you have voted for The Nutcracker
and five of you have voted for Robocop.
So we're doing the Nutcracker?
Oh, someone's changed their tune
on democracy.
But you're forgetting, Jing,
I also get a vote.
So what are we going to do?
Got it.
That's our play.
Robocracker?
Does that exist?
Not yet, my friend. Not yet.
Oh, God,
we've read your scripts before.
What do you mean, "Oh, God"? You
don't really do subtlety, do you?
Er, subtlety can lick my balls
and then eat a plate of my ass for dessert.
I'll just go on Wikipedia,
bosh out a plot mash-up.
That's not going to work.
Er, yes, it will.
What's the best
film of the last 20 years?
Saw 4. Saw 5.
Hunger Games. Meet the Fockers.
Lolita.
Hmm, Rush Hour's a good shout, Jing,
but the correct answer
is Alien Vs Predator.
A plot mash-up.
Mate, if my dad finds out I've been
on stage, he'll cut me out the will.
So you won't have to inherit
his shitty tracksuits?
That makes two of us! You won't be
getting your mum's clothes, cos they're
all over my bedroom floor!
Guys, stop being mean
about each other's families.
Your parents are all so supportive
of you.
You might not realise it now,
but you won't appreciate how much
they love you, until your mum's gone...
..to live in Spain,
with Javier and their children.
Gay!
Come on, sir.
You write your masterpiece,
I'll help you organise auditions.
Thanks, Jing.
Oh, and I forgot to say, we have
to give a shout out to all the religions.
Christianity, Buddhism, Islam...
what's China, Jing?
Predominantly atheists. So, what,
you don't get to do Christmas?
That seems a bit unfair
considering you make all the toys.
That's like the elves not having it.
Did you just compare...?
On the subject of presents,
Mitchell, how is Miss Gulliver's?
Yeah. Dad's sorted it. One of
his mates owns a donkey sanctuary.
You're buying Miss Gulliver a donkey?
Adopting her a donkey.
You know, she loves animals... and they're
a lot cheaper than snow leopards.
OK, spread the word.
Casting's at break, so pick your own
audition pieces and choose them wisely.
OK, Stephen, what scene from
Flashdance are you doing today?
All of it. All of it?
You've only got a minute.
Just shut up and press play.
And who are you?
Professor Xavier. X-Men, innit?
I can read your mind, bruv.
Yeah, sure.
What am I thinking now?
Tits.
Tits!
How does he do it?
So, Chantelle, where have you taken
your scene from?
Basic Instinct.
Basic Instinct...?
Oh, my God! Do not move your legs!
Obviously, you're in the play.
That was amazing.
Sorted.
We still only have one good actor.
Yeah, that's all you need.
One good one,
then you don't realise how terrible
the other ones actually are.
It's like the Kardashians. Really?
Yeah, as a triptych, fit.
But you take Kim
out of the equation,
Kourtney suddenly looks like she
should be sat underneath a bridge
that she guards, eating goats.
Now, look, Frank,
there's no need to take the piss...
I've come to audition, innit?
Your dance was, like, good and shit.
Oh, thanks, babes.
Oh, whatever, man. I'm not bothered.
Well, OK, um... in your own time.
This is going to be perfect, Jing.
He'll be like Plan B, all moody
but with an amazing talent
hidden between
the urban, slightly stabby facade.
Where is my Romeo?
What's here?
A cup, closed in my love's true hand?
Poison, I see,
hath been his timeless end.
He sounds like he's taking a shit.
I will kiss thy lips...
OK, right, good.
Er...
so, let's start with the positives.
Volume.
It was very loud.
I heard every word, as I think
did the whole of Hertfordshire.
So what part am I going to play?
Er, unfortunately, Frank, there are
a lot of really great actors out there.
What part? I'm afraid,
there isn't a role for you...
What... part?
The lead? What? The co-lead.
Yes, like in Rush Hour.
Thanks, Jing.
Nice save.
You all right, sir?
I'm snow-K, you?
Yeah, not too bad.
Yours-elf?
Oh, Rudolph, Donner,
Blitzen and Banter!
Can I get Mr Wickers' mum's number,
please, sir?
It's on the toilet wall. Yeah,
I tried that one. It weren't real.
Sorry, why do you want it?
I'm arranging Mr Wickers a nice surprise.
Genuinely nice? Yeah.
It's Christmas.
I want to invite her
to Mr Wickers' play. Wow!
Do you know what, hustler, I think
I'm going to drop that goodwill pill
you just scored me.
Although Alfie's not seen her
in years.
Well, you've got to convince her
then. Make something up. Right-oh.
Hello, is that Mrs Wickers?
Sorry, currently Mrs Garcia-Ramires!
Yes, it's Mr Fraser here.
Alfie's...
..been in a horrific car crash.
OK, so this is Robocracker.
In a world without hope, lived an
angry maladjusted delinquent boy.
That is you, Frank.
Frank wakes up Christmas morning, finds
beneath the tree a doll, it's Robocracker.
That's you, Stephen.
Christmas miracle,
Robocracker's alive!
And him and the delinquent boy set
about to bring peace to the world.
Sprinkle in a couple of explosions, throw in a
sex scene, bish bash bosh, who smells BAFTA?
You can't win a BAFTA
for a theatre show.
All the parts are cast, except
for the role of the villain...
North Korean despot, Kim Jong-un.
Oh, who, oh, who
could play that part?
You want me to play an overweight
middle-aged North Korean man?
Er, no, Jing, we're not talking
about a lazy stereotype here.
We are talking about a
three-dimensional, very rounded character,
a very rounded
sort of, chubby oddball loner...
Just give me the script.
Joe, you are going to make
a brilliant not-so-Lil' Kim.
How is Kim Jong-un in Robocracker?
Because Kim Jong-un
wants to capture Robocracker
so he can use his robotic heart to
power a missile that can destroy the world.
Only when he gets hold of the heart,
he realises it's not robotic,
it's actually the heart
of a real boy.
It's actually very obvious
if you think about it, Jing.
Thank you, sir, it's beautiful.
Why can't we just do Shakespeare?
For the same reason
that I don't watch Question Time.
Because it's boring, confusing
and the audience laugh at a load of jokes
that no normal person
would ever understand.
So, how do we create a loyal,
trusting, happy environment?
Everyone get naked?
No.
What we do is we all lie on the floor,
and then take turns to roll over each other.
Pick a partner.
I'll take Joe.
When you're ready, just over you go.
Nearly there, big guy...
Oh, my back!
Argh!
Rem Dogg!
Is it my go, sir? No, no...
Trust me, sir!
Where are you going?
Trust me!
Hello.
Er,
we were just doing a trust exercise.
Right.
Er, I was wondering who's coming
on our special outing this evening?
Oh, shit! Sorry. I forgot to ask!
Er, guys, do any of you want to go
with Miss Gulliver...
And Mr Wickers. And me...
to a lovely, trampy soup kitchen?
I'm not going tramp-wanking.
Er, there's no wanking involved,
Mitchell.
Is there?
Why would we wank off tramps?
To keep them warm?
Does anyone want to volunteer?
The thing is, Rosie,
er, we're kind of doing this play,
so we don't really have
much spare time.
Plus, I don't speak Scottish,
so me and tramps don't really...
Alfie, I am going to make you
stick to your promise.
Well, I'm sorry,
I have to do this play.
I need to get the governors
back on board.
So I'm afraid on this occasion
I am putting my foot down.
Isn't this fun?
Aren't you glad I made you come?
Yeah!
Gie us some Bucky, pal!
Bucky? It's alcohol.
Yeah, look, I'm afraid we only serve
soup in this soup kitchen.
Get tae fuck, ya sleekit wee bastard,
gie us some Bucky or ye'll end up
in a ditch, you toff buftie!
OK, is that Scottish for,
"Yes, please, with croutons"?
Oi, dinnae you be tellin' me
whit tae dae!
You're nae the boss o' me,
ya doss radge dug.
Ah, what a lovely doggie!
What's his name?
Er...
"If found, please call 020..."
Och, numbers.
What an odd name to give a dog.
No, no, he's no' mine.
I stole him aff some numpty-heided
bastard who tried
tae gie me a doin' in the street.
How awful.
Aye, he came at us wi' a stick!
Eh, eh! But I got it off him.
Cos nae-one messes wi' Boney.
I'll sell it tae youse if ye like,
yeah, no?
Got these an' all.
Brand-new, like.
Sir!
Aren't tramps lovely?
Sir, what sort of donkey do you want,
a boy or a girl?
Just whatever looks cutest.
But, Robocracker, how can we cure
AIDS with no music to dance to?
Never fear, Frank, because I happen
to be best friends with Bono!
And then you hug him.
I'm not hugging any blokes.
Lads, can I gie ye
a wee bit of advice?
Think of yourselves as blank canvases
on to which your characters'
motivations are projected,
ye ken what I'm saying?
Sorry, what do you know about drama?
What don't I know about drama, you,
ya jobby-jabber!
Ah ken maybe no' to look at me, right,
but I huvnae always been a dirty Jake!
See back in the day, I was one of the
most famous actors in my generation.
Really?
You name it, I've done it.
Corporate videos, part in Taggart,
even done a run at the RSC...
..and then the work dried up,
worse than a swamp donkey's fud.
I can only imagine what that is.
Aye, Ah hit the Bucky,
Ah hit the wife,
Ah hit the streets, living rough,
begging for booze money.
And then, aye,
then things got really bad.
Did you get into heroin?
I got into Hollyoaks.
Ah, Mrs Hegarty. Hi. Good evening.
Ah! Mr Bonehead,
so pleased you could make it.
Where's the bar? I need a drink.
Ah, who invited those guys?
I did. I thought you'd like it.
I get that they're homeless, right,
but they could have made a bit of effort.
That guy over there's not even got
any shoes on.
Now this is what I'm talking about.
A tramp that's made a little bit
of bloody effort.
Yeah, sure you've kept the old
clunge sponge, but at least
you've found yourself a suit!
You've had a wash.
And... you're a governor.
Mr Hardside.
I've just remembered now...
I'm awfully sorry, I hope you
have a wonderful evening.
Mrs Wickers is at Gatwick.
How are we going to explain her son's
sudden recovery from a ten-car pileup?
Our options are: a) Christmas
miracle or two) actually maim Alf.
No, I'm one step ahead of you, sir.
Me Dad's got a load of these left
over from making whiplash claims.
He's saving up for a car.
Brill-cream!
Mr Wickers! Go!
We need to get everyone inside. Alf,
quickly, you need to put this on.
Elf 'n' safety!
Get it?
But seriously, narrators
can get hurt doing all that reading.
Argh!
God bless, Mazeltov, Allah Akbar.
Arsene Wenger,
balls-bis hiya waya!
Little bit of housekeeping, this
school does have toilet facilities.
That one was mainly aimed
at the gentleman at the back.
I can see you.
Get tae fuck!
And a very merry Christmas to you,
sir.
Over to you, Mr Wickers.
Drop it like it's hot.
It was the night before Christmas
and all through the house not a creature
was stirring, not even a mouse.
Oh, get off me, you bell-end!
Our hero is Frank,
a ten-year-old boy.
Why aren't you wearing your costume?
I'm not wearing tights, man.
Oh! Frank's parents are poor,
no presents today,
unless... hark!
What is this? It is Santa
with reindeer and sleigh!
"Ho ho ho!
"I'll fetch Frank's presents,"
Santa did say,
as he stroked on his beard
and got out of his sleigh.
I'm in a wheelchair, dickhead!
As one of his reindeer went to
fetch the present whilst Santa
stayed put in his sleigh.
Let me out.
I can't breathe!
Day turned to night.
And then night turned to day.
Why did I bother getting out of bed?
Frank did say, very loudly.
Let me out! This is shite!
What did you say?
But under the tree...
I can't breathe!
..What's this that Frank spies!
It's Robocracker.
Frank can't believe his eyes!
Are you all right?
I couldn't breathe in that box!
Frank makes a wish
that Santa does hear,
"Make this doll come to life
"and I'll stop drinking beer
behind the bike sheds
"and being a massive bully
"and constantly going on about
how one of his teachers got bummed
at boarding school."
FYI the only person that's ever touched my
bum is my friend Atticus Hoye, like, once,
when we were at the Eden Project,
this one time.
Gay!
Mitchell,
you can't heckle your own show.
Frank and his friend set out on a
quest, until they'd helped everyone,
they would not rest.
Who wrote this shite?
I've seen jobbies come out of my arse
with better structure than this.
Argh!
No! This is my solo.
I can't see anything
in this stupid helmet! Oi, sir!
Mitchell, come here!
It's so unprofessional.
Pull your trousers up!
Get off!
Mitchell, stop it!
Get off. You idiot!
Interval!
Meanwhile, in Jerusalem...
I called shotgun on the Holy Land,
you wanktard.
Oh, do one!
Jerusalem is mine, you Jap's eye!
I'm going to pin you down
and teabag ya.
Come on, get the cogs in here.
Not even in the script.
But here comes Robocracker.
He has an idea of a neutral shared
city in a two-state solution,
which he will explain through
the medium of expressive dance.
That's right.
It's now time
for the Tolerance Dance!
Yeah, Robocracker brings
everyone together.
It's a miracle!
Ah, it's in my bloody eye.
It's a miracle!
They've put an end to heartache
and loss,
but now our brave pair
must take on the boss.
I'll get you, Robocracker!
No, you shan't for I am a real boy!
Where is my Romeo?
Poison, I see,
hath been his timeless end.
I will kiss thy lips...
happily some poison
yet doth hang on them.
Thy lips are warm.
Let me die!
Alas there's no hope, no treatment,
no drug, as Robo's life fades away,
Frank bids adieu with a hu...
Hug!
In the script it says hug.
But what's this?
Robocracker has been reincarnated
and finally he's a real boy!
The end!
Come on, you lot. Out you get.
Haven't you got homes to go to?
Well done.
Oh, thank you.
Fair do's.
Your narrative arc was engaging,
but the pleasurable representations
dinnae depend on the likeness of the thing
that they are portraying. You know
what I mean, ya minging bag o' shite?
Oh, I'll bear that in mind
for next time.
My brave little baby!
Mummy.
I can't believe you came.
We came as soon as we heard
about the accident.
The accident? Me...
..forgetting to put her invite in
the fricking post, that accident!
You invited my mum?
Well, it was Mr Mitchell's idea.
Don't go soppy on me, Dickers.
And Uncle Javier is here too!
Great, Uncle Javier.
I've really missed him.
Oh, me valiente hombre.
Alfie,
Uncle Javier is so proud of you.
We're going to find the men who put you in
this chair, and we're going to make them pay.
Can someone stop Fernando Torres
trying' to bum me?
Javier, that's not Alfie.
This is... Hi.
Hey.
I knew it.
It was a little joke.
Er, Mum, Javier, this is the girl
I've been telling you about.
Rosie.
It's so nice to meet you.
So will you be staying
for Christmas?
We are going to stay
until little Alfie is better.
We better head to Alfie's classroom
for Christmas dinner!
Who wants turkey!
So did you get the West Ham ticket?
Oh, you got me that?
So do you want to go?
All right, yeah.
I mean, it don't mean nothing
or, like, whatever...
You can give up that act now, babes.
Guess what I done with them crackers?
What?
Swapped the jokes.
Here's one for you.
What do nine out of ten people
enjoy?
Gang ra...
Rawr!
An impression of a lion.
Excuse me, ladies and gents.
Er, just going to go down the hallway
to only use your lavatory.
Er, so, thank youse.
Aw, Bonehead's got his life back
on track.
Your play really helped him.
I just think it's great that we've been
able to show him the bigger picture. Mmm.
Oh, I got you
a tiny silly little present thing.
Mitchell,
how's that donkey coming along?
It arrived from Romania
about an hour ago.
Oh, amazing.
Have you got the certificate?
What certificate?
Right, here's half the donkey.
The rest I gave to the kitchens.
I figured you couldn't eat it all.
Alfredo, this meat is lovely!
It's so bloody moist!
B-Buble!
Does this mean we can listen to it
every day until Christmas?
I guess I must really love you.
Sir's got a boner!
Mitchell!