Bad Education (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Fundraiser - full transcript
When Fraser gives the Nigerian finance minister all the school's funds hoping for a sound return the school faces bankruptcy and Professor Green introduces austerity measures by selling off all its equipment. With unemployment looming Miss Gulliver plans to move to Soweto and, desperate to stop her, Alfie organizes a fund-raising day. At the slave auction a mystery bidder offers £25,000, the sum that will save the school, to have Alfie as their sex slave for the day but the bidder turns out to be Miss Pickwell, a millionaires after an elderly admirer has died and left her all his money. As if this was not bad enough Martin and Professor Green announce their forthcoming wedding.
♪ So kiss me and smile for me
♪ Tell me that you'll wait for me
♪ Hold me like you'll never
let me go... ♪
Come on, Smoocher, you know
this one!
♪ I'm leaving on a jet plane... ♪
Oh, Martin, could you go via Boots?
I need to get some clean tights.
Good idea.
Oh, while you're there, you might
like to stock up on C-O-N-D-O-Ms.
O-K!
Dad! I can spell!
Love that guy!
Who was that randomer?
Our fairy godfather.
You know how we are in uno poquito
di serious financial trouble-io?
No.
Well, I managed to turn
our remaining 20 grand
into a cool two million. Go on?
That "randomer" is Dr Goodluck
Yultide Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo.
the Nigerian Minister of Finance.
Oh, God. He wanted a short-term cash
loan for the purchase of a contested
oil field in rural Nigeria,
and some medicines for his mother.
He promised returns
of up to 1,000%!
Oh. Shit.
That's Fr-Asda price.
Yes!
Oh, dear,
that's the last of the coffee.
I hope no one minds -
I was up all night.
Urgh, God.
Look, I don't want to sound like
a broken record, but who's to say
Dr Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo
won't come good?
The receipt he gave you
was on a Burger King napkin,
made out to
"the big bank in the town".
He said he was in the same class
as Howard from the Halifax
at Bank School. Bank School!?
Amazing.
Oh, Betty Swallocks!
So what, Fraser's lost us
a bit of money.
It's not the end of the world.
Not so.
We have to prove our solvency
by Wednesday, otherwise
Abbey Grove faces closure
by default.
Well let's, I don't know,
put on a fundraiser?
Oh, that is a good idea.
We're not a charity case yet,
Smoocher.
Don't call me that!
And have you got any bright ideas?
A spare 20 grand tucked away
in that bra of yours?
Oh, I don't appear to be
wearing one!
Somebody broke the latch
with his teeth.
For Christ's sake! Grrr!
Papa Wickers not the only animal
in the family.
This one's hung like a horse.
A sea horse.
Ooh, double act. Bant and Dec.
Kill me. Hey I've got a fun
and really funky idea!
Why don't all the staff
take pay cuts?
I'm afraid my salary is
non-negotiable.
Martin and I are saving up for...
..something.
Chemical castration,
chemical castration.
The solution to the school's problem
is austerity.
To keep the current
salary structure in place,
we must make swingeing cuts.
You may have noticed
Mrs Westurby's absence.
Mrs Westurby?
Has she got a mole?
Smells of biscuits?
Can't have children?
Baron von Westurby!
No, that's Mrs Vanderby.
Baron Vanderby.
I'll stop saying baron now.
Alfie, could you cover
Mrs Westurby's biology class?
I can barely teach history.
Urgh, fine.
How are you going to be helping?
I'm going to shut down the library.
I've got it. The art block,
they've got a Henry Moore!
That must be worth loads.
We could sell it?
Had.
They had a Henry Moore.
I might have swapped it.
You swapped it?
What for?
It was one of only 30
used on the set of Phantom Menace.
It belonged to Senator Palpatine!
Why are you all wearing your coats?
Cos your mum turned off the heating.
Professor Green is not my mum.
She banged your dad.
She's your mum.
You must have a lot of dads then.
Sir, I'm freezing. Will you
share your body heat with me?
No. Why is there no heating?
If you must know, the school is
having some financial problems.
Why don't you sell your organs, sir?
I heard the Queen's hamster
needs a new cock.
Guys! Please!
You do realise, if Abbey Grove
shuts down
you'll all have to go to St Edwards!
The only school below us
on the league table!
If I go to St Edwards,
the only theatre I'll end up in
is an operating one.
St Edwards is not that bad, babe.
Dean Gaffney went there.
Dean Gaffney?
We need to raise some money!
I could do a kiss-and-tell, sir,
on this guy I'm seeing.
Yeah, with the best will in
the world, Chantelle, I doubt that
Haroun from WH Smith is going
to sell that many papers
apart from the ones
that he literally sells.
What if you take that condom you've got
in your wallet to the Antiques Road Show?
Right, is it too much to ask
to have a serious suggestion?
I've got one. Thank you, Rem Dogg.
Sperm banks offer 60 quid
for a small pot.
We pump Mitchell's mum's stomach -
a grand, easy.
Oh, my God, that is the most
disgusting thing I've ever heard.
What about this?
Urgh!
Guys, can you be serious?
Do you want to go to another school?
Stephen's dad's a banker.
He could help us.
Babes, he's a cashier at NatWest.
What about two of us
going to work in a casino,
mapping out their security
procedures,
these guys can dress up in disguises
and earn the trust of the owner,
then Jing can do some crazy circus
shit in a room full of lasers.
We're not going to re-enact the plot
of Ocean's Eleven, Mitchell!
Ocean's Twelve? No.
Ocean's Thirteen?
You're not really understanding
the problem here. Ocean's Fourteen?
It doesn't even exist!
Hey! Pro Green's got me
teaching biology.
Said you had some stuff for me,
but then I thought...
what does everyone love?
Sea-Monkeys!
This isn't a primary school.
Alfie, if I tell you something,
do you promise
that you won't overreact?
When have I ever overreacted?
I've applied for a job
at a school in Soweto.
Why are you doing this to me?
OK? Yeah.
Good.
Alf, I love this school,
but I need a change in my life.
Grow a fringe! Try zumba!
Try heroin!
But I could do some good in Soweto.
Instead of being stuck here
in Abbey Grove,
lurching from disaster to disaster.
But what about us?
Our will-they-won't-they is the glue
that binds this school together.
Please don't go, Rosie,
you're the only person on the staff
that I like.
You can't leave me here with
Pro Green and Anakin Skywanker.
The school needs you.
I need you.
Well, I mean, I've only just applied,
so...
let's see what happens. Yeah?
Here you go. Frogs! Yeah.
Oh, my God, this one's not moving!
Maybe it's asleep.
They're all dead.
Your class are dissecting them.
Urgh!
Sure I can't just do Sea-Monkeys?
Give that about a day and it'll be
the Discovery Channel in a glass.
Off you go, Alfie.
Where do you want these, Pro Green?
Next to the other sale items.
We're putting them on "the eBay".
It's "eBay".
You can't sell our books!
Yeah - what are the sad, lonely kids
going to read
whilst everyone else is out
in the playground having fun?
Desperate times, Mr Wickers.
You could sell that.
Or let me take a hammer to it.
Why should I suffer
for the school's profligacy?
Now, I need you two to prevail upon
the kitchen staff to work for free.
Why do we have to do that?
We're all in this together.
I just think that... Ah-ah!
We're all in this together.
That will be all.
All right, whatever. Let's go
and give Mrs Patmore her P45.
Mr Wickers,
arretez-vous, s'il vous plait.
Stay behind, please?
Now, as you know,
your father and I are courting.
Courting? Marty-Bear is a wonderful,
caring, passionate man.
He, you, and I are
a little family now.
What do you want?
We'd like you to call me "Mummy".
Is something the matter?
I am looking at the most
disgusting thing I have ever seen.
Oh, no - now I am.
Trust me, I've got this.
Are you sure?
Er, yeah, I'm a people person.
Yo! Kitchen goblins!
I'm just here to tell you
how much of a vital part
of the Abbey Grove machine
you guys are.
Yeah, maybe sometimes you don't
get the credit you deserve
and you're a bit funny-looking,
but you're like Niall from
One Direction - without you
there isn't a band!
Ah, and we go back a bit, don't we?
This guy, right, has got some of
the best banter in the school, hey?
And a dab hand with the ladies!
Player!
And my mate here, Iggy Pop.
This guy, right, is...
One of the nicest WOMEN
I've ever worked with.
Oh, yep!
And my brother from another mother,
old... Little Chef.
Look, we could reminisce about the
old days until the cows come home.
But I'm here to tell you
that Abbey Grove has gone bust,
so we were wondering whether you
guys would be willing to do
"yo tang" on a sort of
volunteer basis?
Unpaid.
That's cool, take five,
have a think about it.
I knew it. Didn't I say,
if there was one person
we could rely on, it's old...
it's.... Gladys.
Gladys.
Gladys, with the hearing aids.
I remember now.
She hasn't heard a word.
It looks like
Pro Green's sold all the food.
What are we going to feed
the kids now?
What's this? We did a whip-round,
sir. That's all our pocket money.
Guys, I've been over this with you.
As much as I'd like to,
I can't buy you booze again.
No, Alfie, the money's for
saving Abbey Grove.
We know it's not much, but...
We don't want to leave, sir.
Even though this school's got
shit wheelchair access.
And fewer GCSEs than
a Premier League football team.
It's a dump, but it's my dump.
You know what it's like with your
own brew, sir. I like the smell.
Some beautiful words there,
Mitchell.
Guys, you've been so generous,
but I can't accept this.
There must be a better way.
Ocean's Fifteen? Really?
What are you doing?
Buttering the corridor.
Look, I really think
we need to do a fundraiser.
Alf, listen,
we just simply don't have the time.
Mitchell's dad owns a funfair.
He could easily lend us some stalls.
Unless I can pay them off
in two days' time,
the bank are gonna pop a cap
in the back of my ass.
I don't really care about your ass,
I care about this school.
Calm down, dear!
This is going to send people flying.
All we have to do is sit back,
capture the comedy Kerrie Gold,
cash said gold,
vis-a-vis a £250 cheque from You've
Been Framed and we're in Clover.
B-utter genius.
Right, are there any other butter puns you
just want to get out of your system now?
I'll Lurpak it in.
Look, the only problem with your
genius plan, there's no-one here!
Everyone's in class.
Ah, no - I told Reggie Blinker that
his dad's had another heart attack.
Lols!
Any minute now.
Ha-haa! Woo-hoo!
Did you see that? ROFLcopter.
Does anyone care about this school?
Ah, I forgot to press record.
Butter-fingers.
Reggie, do you think
you've got another one in you?
What are you doing?
Oh, Alfie, hi.
Um, listen, they've offered me
the job...
..and I've decided...
That, in the cold light of day,
your hair-brained idea
to start a new life in Soweto
is totally and utterly absurd?
To accept.
But you can't!
Why not?
Soweto sounds great.
But I need you!
Look, there's something
I have to tell you.
Something that maybe before
I didn't realise.
Yeah, sure, back then I was just
a silly little boy...
Mmm. But I've changed.
Rosie? Yes.
I'm...
I'm an alcoholic.
There, I said it. I'm drinking
a bottle of whisky for breakfast.
I'm a player with a deadly
addiction to hooch and cooch.
Stay with me, Rosie! Please don't
let me end up like Georgie.
You're not like George Best, Alfie.
You barely drink.
Er, yes I do. Last year, you got
hung over from some cherry liqueurs.
They were extremely potent. Anyway,
right now I'm off the bloody rails.
I only came in here because
I'm looking for ethanol.
I'd drink bloody anything.
Not the Sea—Monkeys!
Oh, my God!
Ooh.
I've made my tummy pregnant.
Whoa!
Where do you think you're
going with that? Cash Converters.
How the hell am I meant to teach
without a television?
We need to make swingeing cuts.
Stop saying swingeing.
It is the most annoying word
I have ever heard.
Boys, could you collect Mr Wickers'
video library.
You can take our electricity,
you can take our television,
but you can never take our...
Braveheart, director's cut!
Please let me keep this?
Everything must go.
Alfie, you must see you're the
obvious candidate for redundancy.
I'm trying to protect you.
Au revoir, les enfants.
Please, boys,
it doesn't have to be like this!
Bullshit!
I'm getting my TV back,
I'm getting my DVDs back,
and I'm stopping
Miss Gulliver from going to Soweto.
We are doing a fundraiser!
And it is going to be like Live Aid
and Band Aid all rolled into one,
except this time we are stopping
things from going to Africa.
But how are you going to convince
Fraser to give you permission?
Alf, I've told you
it's just not possible.
We simply don't have the time
or the resources.
Your band can play
at the fundraiser.
So what time shall we open
the doors?
Here, go on, sir, test it out.
All right.
Shit.
Sorry, Mr Harper.
Ha?
So, 50/50 on all profits?
Right.
Couldn't agree more.
You all right, Dad? Mm.
Alf, I am so impressed that you've
got all of this together in time.
Ah, you know, it's not just me.
Everyone's doing their bit,
especially Mitchell's dad here.
Yes, Fergal.
There is no "I" in team.
Oh, I had quite a silly idea.
At university, we did a man auction -
we bought the rugby team
as slaves for a day.
Pinch me!
We could sell the teachers here!
You could put yourself up for sale.
Who'd want to buy me?
I might.
He's not for sale.
I mean,
how does she even hear that far?
Fundraiser to save our school!
What a pickle.
You know, after my divorce,
I travelled to India.
I saw a beggar boy there.
His little legs didn't work
and he was dragging himself along
on a cart, begging.
Well, don't beat yourself up about
it. Everyone regrets their rebound.
My point is, at least his sob story
made him some money.
What is your problem with me?
I remind you that my Dad
loved somebody else.
You're being ridiculous.
You are just his beggar boy rebound.
Why, howdy partners!
Look at you two, thick as thieves.
Hi, Dad. I love you.
Whoa, what's got into you?
Come on, Marty Bear. Win me a teddy.
All righty then. Must dash, Alf pal.
Bit fanny-whipped!
Sob story! Get me Rem Dogg now!
Excuse me, fundraiser to send
a little boy to Florida
for life-saving surgery.
Please help me, mate.
My brain's all shit.
Um, talk me through this band.
Well, we started out as a tribute
act, but we were treading water
so I decided to Mumford us up a bit,
you know, heartfelt summery anthems,
reclaiming the banjo
from rapey American farmers.
So you're a Mumford and Sons
tribute act?
Well, sort of. The problem is,
the lead singer, Donald,
he's quite set in his ways
with the whole Slipknot vibe.
So the band is called?
Knotslip and Sons.
Does that mash-up work? Yes.
Perfecto.
♪ I came home, and I saw you
♪ You were waiting, waiting for me
♪ In the sun, there you were
♪ Arms were open, wide as the sea
♪ I fell to my knees, as if to pray
♪ You opened your sweet mouth
This to say
♪ Crawling in the shit!
The devil is your dildo!
♪ Feed me to the worms!
I'll burn all you bastard-whores!
♪ Thank you, Jesus
for this glorious day. ♪
A grand? Is that it?
You tried your best.
I'm still proud of you, Alf.
What good's that? You're still not
going to stay at Abbey Grove.
We've still got Gladys's car wash.
I don't think Gladys's milkshake is
bringing too many boys to the yard.
What about the man auction?
We're 19 grand short, dipshit.
Going once, going twice...
sold to Mrs Carmichael!
Now, our next slave for a day
is a bit of a catch.
It's Mr Fraser!
Hi, ladies. I'm up for anything.
Cooking, cleaning,
foot rubs - giving or receiving.
Actually, not receiving.
I've got a pretty nuclear
crop of bunions at the moment.
Shall we start the bidding at £50?
Yes! Oh, £50 from Mrs Welsh.
£60 from Gladys. Oh, tits!
£70 from Mrs Welsh. Go on.
£80, Gladys, with you.
Can I get £100?
Oh, £100 from Gladys, going once...
This is ridiculous,
she can't even hear.
Going twice.
But we're not even paying her!
Sold to Gladys for £100!
Amazing!
Our next slave for the day is
a very, very special man,
um, sorry...
He's just done so much
to make today happen.
I know we may have not raised enough
to keep this school going,
but Mr Wickers, he exemplifies
everything that I will miss
about Abbey Grove.
I know it's unconventional,
but I'd quite like to start
the bidding myself.
£50 for Alfie.
£60. 70.
£80!
100. £200!
Don't worry, girls,
you can share me.
OK,
but she's not kissing your mouth.
This gentleman would like to make
a bid on behalf of his employer.
I'll match whatever he bids.
I don't think you will, Miss
Gulliver. The bid is for £25,000.
What?
That's enough to save the school!
Well, I can't match that. Chantelle?
Wait, is this a wind-up?
Going once, going twice,
sold, to the mystery bidder!
We did it. We did it!
Who'd spend all that money on me?
Well, whoever it is,
they've saved the school.
And seeing as Abbey Grove's going
to be OK, I think, maybe...
What?
I'm not going to South Africa, Alf.
You said yourself that the school
needs me and you need me,
but I've come to realise
that I need the school, and...
I also need...
No, no.
We made this mistake last term.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
We should just be friends.
No, I meant kissing
in front of the kids.
Come with me.
Oh, Dad!
Jesus!
Alf!
Oh, Christ, er, er...
Celia had the hiccups.
I was trying to scare her
by giving her the willies.
Stop doing this!
Now calm down, Smoocher.
Martin, you must tell him.
Er, Celia and I, er...
She mentioned that you may have
seen an invitation?
What invitation?
Oh, God, yes, sorry -
how could I forget?
Well, it's an invitation
to a very special occasion.
We're getting married!
Dad, what the hell? You are marrying
this stupid hobbit woman?
Oh, Alf, I love this hobbit woman.
Could we stop saying hobbit woman?
Sorry, darling.
Alf, we're going to be
a family again.
Come here, Smoocher. Hug Mummy.
Alfie, come back! Alfie!
I know I should be pretty annoyed
but at least Pro Green
makes my dad happy.
I'm happy too.
Ahem!
What, Jing?
Sir, the anonymous bidder says
that you have to leave immediately,
otherwise the deal is off.
You'll be here
when I get back, right?
Of course I will.
Pickwell!
You bought me?
Oh, yes, Mr Wickers.
But... last time I saw you,
you were penniless!
Mm. Well, you remember my German
consort, the Beast of Bergandorf?
Sadly the old man died last month,
leaving me all the gold
he'd stashed in Switzerland.
Hence, my little splurge on you.
What can you possibly do with me
that's worth £25,000?
Oh, you have no idea.
Let the games begin.
A saddle?!
Drive on, Mephisto.
♪ Tell me that you'll wait for me
♪ Hold me like you'll never
let me go... ♪
Come on, Smoocher, you know
this one!
♪ I'm leaving on a jet plane... ♪
Oh, Martin, could you go via Boots?
I need to get some clean tights.
Good idea.
Oh, while you're there, you might
like to stock up on C-O-N-D-O-Ms.
O-K!
Dad! I can spell!
Love that guy!
Who was that randomer?
Our fairy godfather.
You know how we are in uno poquito
di serious financial trouble-io?
No.
Well, I managed to turn
our remaining 20 grand
into a cool two million. Go on?
That "randomer" is Dr Goodluck
Yultide Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo.
the Nigerian Minister of Finance.
Oh, God. He wanted a short-term cash
loan for the purchase of a contested
oil field in rural Nigeria,
and some medicines for his mother.
He promised returns
of up to 1,000%!
Oh. Shit.
That's Fr-Asda price.
Yes!
Oh, dear,
that's the last of the coffee.
I hope no one minds -
I was up all night.
Urgh, God.
Look, I don't want to sound like
a broken record, but who's to say
Dr Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo
won't come good?
The receipt he gave you
was on a Burger King napkin,
made out to
"the big bank in the town".
He said he was in the same class
as Howard from the Halifax
at Bank School. Bank School!?
Amazing.
Oh, Betty Swallocks!
So what, Fraser's lost us
a bit of money.
It's not the end of the world.
Not so.
We have to prove our solvency
by Wednesday, otherwise
Abbey Grove faces closure
by default.
Well let's, I don't know,
put on a fundraiser?
Oh, that is a good idea.
We're not a charity case yet,
Smoocher.
Don't call me that!
And have you got any bright ideas?
A spare 20 grand tucked away
in that bra of yours?
Oh, I don't appear to be
wearing one!
Somebody broke the latch
with his teeth.
For Christ's sake! Grrr!
Papa Wickers not the only animal
in the family.
This one's hung like a horse.
A sea horse.
Ooh, double act. Bant and Dec.
Kill me. Hey I've got a fun
and really funky idea!
Why don't all the staff
take pay cuts?
I'm afraid my salary is
non-negotiable.
Martin and I are saving up for...
..something.
Chemical castration,
chemical castration.
The solution to the school's problem
is austerity.
To keep the current
salary structure in place,
we must make swingeing cuts.
You may have noticed
Mrs Westurby's absence.
Mrs Westurby?
Has she got a mole?
Smells of biscuits?
Can't have children?
Baron von Westurby!
No, that's Mrs Vanderby.
Baron Vanderby.
I'll stop saying baron now.
Alfie, could you cover
Mrs Westurby's biology class?
I can barely teach history.
Urgh, fine.
How are you going to be helping?
I'm going to shut down the library.
I've got it. The art block,
they've got a Henry Moore!
That must be worth loads.
We could sell it?
Had.
They had a Henry Moore.
I might have swapped it.
You swapped it?
What for?
It was one of only 30
used on the set of Phantom Menace.
It belonged to Senator Palpatine!
Why are you all wearing your coats?
Cos your mum turned off the heating.
Professor Green is not my mum.
She banged your dad.
She's your mum.
You must have a lot of dads then.
Sir, I'm freezing. Will you
share your body heat with me?
No. Why is there no heating?
If you must know, the school is
having some financial problems.
Why don't you sell your organs, sir?
I heard the Queen's hamster
needs a new cock.
Guys! Please!
You do realise, if Abbey Grove
shuts down
you'll all have to go to St Edwards!
The only school below us
on the league table!
If I go to St Edwards,
the only theatre I'll end up in
is an operating one.
St Edwards is not that bad, babe.
Dean Gaffney went there.
Dean Gaffney?
We need to raise some money!
I could do a kiss-and-tell, sir,
on this guy I'm seeing.
Yeah, with the best will in
the world, Chantelle, I doubt that
Haroun from WH Smith is going
to sell that many papers
apart from the ones
that he literally sells.
What if you take that condom you've got
in your wallet to the Antiques Road Show?
Right, is it too much to ask
to have a serious suggestion?
I've got one. Thank you, Rem Dogg.
Sperm banks offer 60 quid
for a small pot.
We pump Mitchell's mum's stomach -
a grand, easy.
Oh, my God, that is the most
disgusting thing I've ever heard.
What about this?
Urgh!
Guys, can you be serious?
Do you want to go to another school?
Stephen's dad's a banker.
He could help us.
Babes, he's a cashier at NatWest.
What about two of us
going to work in a casino,
mapping out their security
procedures,
these guys can dress up in disguises
and earn the trust of the owner,
then Jing can do some crazy circus
shit in a room full of lasers.
We're not going to re-enact the plot
of Ocean's Eleven, Mitchell!
Ocean's Twelve? No.
Ocean's Thirteen?
You're not really understanding
the problem here. Ocean's Fourteen?
It doesn't even exist!
Hey! Pro Green's got me
teaching biology.
Said you had some stuff for me,
but then I thought...
what does everyone love?
Sea-Monkeys!
This isn't a primary school.
Alfie, if I tell you something,
do you promise
that you won't overreact?
When have I ever overreacted?
I've applied for a job
at a school in Soweto.
Why are you doing this to me?
OK? Yeah.
Good.
Alf, I love this school,
but I need a change in my life.
Grow a fringe! Try zumba!
Try heroin!
But I could do some good in Soweto.
Instead of being stuck here
in Abbey Grove,
lurching from disaster to disaster.
But what about us?
Our will-they-won't-they is the glue
that binds this school together.
Please don't go, Rosie,
you're the only person on the staff
that I like.
You can't leave me here with
Pro Green and Anakin Skywanker.
The school needs you.
I need you.
Well, I mean, I've only just applied,
so...
let's see what happens. Yeah?
Here you go. Frogs! Yeah.
Oh, my God, this one's not moving!
Maybe it's asleep.
They're all dead.
Your class are dissecting them.
Urgh!
Sure I can't just do Sea-Monkeys?
Give that about a day and it'll be
the Discovery Channel in a glass.
Off you go, Alfie.
Where do you want these, Pro Green?
Next to the other sale items.
We're putting them on "the eBay".
It's "eBay".
You can't sell our books!
Yeah - what are the sad, lonely kids
going to read
whilst everyone else is out
in the playground having fun?
Desperate times, Mr Wickers.
You could sell that.
Or let me take a hammer to it.
Why should I suffer
for the school's profligacy?
Now, I need you two to prevail upon
the kitchen staff to work for free.
Why do we have to do that?
We're all in this together.
I just think that... Ah-ah!
We're all in this together.
That will be all.
All right, whatever. Let's go
and give Mrs Patmore her P45.
Mr Wickers,
arretez-vous, s'il vous plait.
Stay behind, please?
Now, as you know,
your father and I are courting.
Courting? Marty-Bear is a wonderful,
caring, passionate man.
He, you, and I are
a little family now.
What do you want?
We'd like you to call me "Mummy".
Is something the matter?
I am looking at the most
disgusting thing I have ever seen.
Oh, no - now I am.
Trust me, I've got this.
Are you sure?
Er, yeah, I'm a people person.
Yo! Kitchen goblins!
I'm just here to tell you
how much of a vital part
of the Abbey Grove machine
you guys are.
Yeah, maybe sometimes you don't
get the credit you deserve
and you're a bit funny-looking,
but you're like Niall from
One Direction - without you
there isn't a band!
Ah, and we go back a bit, don't we?
This guy, right, has got some of
the best banter in the school, hey?
And a dab hand with the ladies!
Player!
And my mate here, Iggy Pop.
This guy, right, is...
One of the nicest WOMEN
I've ever worked with.
Oh, yep!
And my brother from another mother,
old... Little Chef.
Look, we could reminisce about the
old days until the cows come home.
But I'm here to tell you
that Abbey Grove has gone bust,
so we were wondering whether you
guys would be willing to do
"yo tang" on a sort of
volunteer basis?
Unpaid.
That's cool, take five,
have a think about it.
I knew it. Didn't I say,
if there was one person
we could rely on, it's old...
it's.... Gladys.
Gladys.
Gladys, with the hearing aids.
I remember now.
She hasn't heard a word.
It looks like
Pro Green's sold all the food.
What are we going to feed
the kids now?
What's this? We did a whip-round,
sir. That's all our pocket money.
Guys, I've been over this with you.
As much as I'd like to,
I can't buy you booze again.
No, Alfie, the money's for
saving Abbey Grove.
We know it's not much, but...
We don't want to leave, sir.
Even though this school's got
shit wheelchair access.
And fewer GCSEs than
a Premier League football team.
It's a dump, but it's my dump.
You know what it's like with your
own brew, sir. I like the smell.
Some beautiful words there,
Mitchell.
Guys, you've been so generous,
but I can't accept this.
There must be a better way.
Ocean's Fifteen? Really?
What are you doing?
Buttering the corridor.
Look, I really think
we need to do a fundraiser.
Alf, listen,
we just simply don't have the time.
Mitchell's dad owns a funfair.
He could easily lend us some stalls.
Unless I can pay them off
in two days' time,
the bank are gonna pop a cap
in the back of my ass.
I don't really care about your ass,
I care about this school.
Calm down, dear!
This is going to send people flying.
All we have to do is sit back,
capture the comedy Kerrie Gold,
cash said gold,
vis-a-vis a £250 cheque from You've
Been Framed and we're in Clover.
B-utter genius.
Right, are there any other butter puns you
just want to get out of your system now?
I'll Lurpak it in.
Look, the only problem with your
genius plan, there's no-one here!
Everyone's in class.
Ah, no - I told Reggie Blinker that
his dad's had another heart attack.
Lols!
Any minute now.
Ha-haa! Woo-hoo!
Did you see that? ROFLcopter.
Does anyone care about this school?
Ah, I forgot to press record.
Butter-fingers.
Reggie, do you think
you've got another one in you?
What are you doing?
Oh, Alfie, hi.
Um, listen, they've offered me
the job...
..and I've decided...
That, in the cold light of day,
your hair-brained idea
to start a new life in Soweto
is totally and utterly absurd?
To accept.
But you can't!
Why not?
Soweto sounds great.
But I need you!
Look, there's something
I have to tell you.
Something that maybe before
I didn't realise.
Yeah, sure, back then I was just
a silly little boy...
Mmm. But I've changed.
Rosie? Yes.
I'm...
I'm an alcoholic.
There, I said it. I'm drinking
a bottle of whisky for breakfast.
I'm a player with a deadly
addiction to hooch and cooch.
Stay with me, Rosie! Please don't
let me end up like Georgie.
You're not like George Best, Alfie.
You barely drink.
Er, yes I do. Last year, you got
hung over from some cherry liqueurs.
They were extremely potent. Anyway,
right now I'm off the bloody rails.
I only came in here because
I'm looking for ethanol.
I'd drink bloody anything.
Not the Sea—Monkeys!
Oh, my God!
Ooh.
I've made my tummy pregnant.
Whoa!
Where do you think you're
going with that? Cash Converters.
How the hell am I meant to teach
without a television?
We need to make swingeing cuts.
Stop saying swingeing.
It is the most annoying word
I have ever heard.
Boys, could you collect Mr Wickers'
video library.
You can take our electricity,
you can take our television,
but you can never take our...
Braveheart, director's cut!
Please let me keep this?
Everything must go.
Alfie, you must see you're the
obvious candidate for redundancy.
I'm trying to protect you.
Au revoir, les enfants.
Please, boys,
it doesn't have to be like this!
Bullshit!
I'm getting my TV back,
I'm getting my DVDs back,
and I'm stopping
Miss Gulliver from going to Soweto.
We are doing a fundraiser!
And it is going to be like Live Aid
and Band Aid all rolled into one,
except this time we are stopping
things from going to Africa.
But how are you going to convince
Fraser to give you permission?
Alf, I've told you
it's just not possible.
We simply don't have the time
or the resources.
Your band can play
at the fundraiser.
So what time shall we open
the doors?
Here, go on, sir, test it out.
All right.
Shit.
Sorry, Mr Harper.
Ha?
So, 50/50 on all profits?
Right.
Couldn't agree more.
You all right, Dad? Mm.
Alf, I am so impressed that you've
got all of this together in time.
Ah, you know, it's not just me.
Everyone's doing their bit,
especially Mitchell's dad here.
Yes, Fergal.
There is no "I" in team.
Oh, I had quite a silly idea.
At university, we did a man auction -
we bought the rugby team
as slaves for a day.
Pinch me!
We could sell the teachers here!
You could put yourself up for sale.
Who'd want to buy me?
I might.
He's not for sale.
I mean,
how does she even hear that far?
Fundraiser to save our school!
What a pickle.
You know, after my divorce,
I travelled to India.
I saw a beggar boy there.
His little legs didn't work
and he was dragging himself along
on a cart, begging.
Well, don't beat yourself up about
it. Everyone regrets their rebound.
My point is, at least his sob story
made him some money.
What is your problem with me?
I remind you that my Dad
loved somebody else.
You're being ridiculous.
You are just his beggar boy rebound.
Why, howdy partners!
Look at you two, thick as thieves.
Hi, Dad. I love you.
Whoa, what's got into you?
Come on, Marty Bear. Win me a teddy.
All righty then. Must dash, Alf pal.
Bit fanny-whipped!
Sob story! Get me Rem Dogg now!
Excuse me, fundraiser to send
a little boy to Florida
for life-saving surgery.
Please help me, mate.
My brain's all shit.
Um, talk me through this band.
Well, we started out as a tribute
act, but we were treading water
so I decided to Mumford us up a bit,
you know, heartfelt summery anthems,
reclaiming the banjo
from rapey American farmers.
So you're a Mumford and Sons
tribute act?
Well, sort of. The problem is,
the lead singer, Donald,
he's quite set in his ways
with the whole Slipknot vibe.
So the band is called?
Knotslip and Sons.
Does that mash-up work? Yes.
Perfecto.
♪ I came home, and I saw you
♪ You were waiting, waiting for me
♪ In the sun, there you were
♪ Arms were open, wide as the sea
♪ I fell to my knees, as if to pray
♪ You opened your sweet mouth
This to say
♪ Crawling in the shit!
The devil is your dildo!
♪ Feed me to the worms!
I'll burn all you bastard-whores!
♪ Thank you, Jesus
for this glorious day. ♪
A grand? Is that it?
You tried your best.
I'm still proud of you, Alf.
What good's that? You're still not
going to stay at Abbey Grove.
We've still got Gladys's car wash.
I don't think Gladys's milkshake is
bringing too many boys to the yard.
What about the man auction?
We're 19 grand short, dipshit.
Going once, going twice...
sold to Mrs Carmichael!
Now, our next slave for a day
is a bit of a catch.
It's Mr Fraser!
Hi, ladies. I'm up for anything.
Cooking, cleaning,
foot rubs - giving or receiving.
Actually, not receiving.
I've got a pretty nuclear
crop of bunions at the moment.
Shall we start the bidding at £50?
Yes! Oh, £50 from Mrs Welsh.
£60 from Gladys. Oh, tits!
£70 from Mrs Welsh. Go on.
£80, Gladys, with you.
Can I get £100?
Oh, £100 from Gladys, going once...
This is ridiculous,
she can't even hear.
Going twice.
But we're not even paying her!
Sold to Gladys for £100!
Amazing!
Our next slave for the day is
a very, very special man,
um, sorry...
He's just done so much
to make today happen.
I know we may have not raised enough
to keep this school going,
but Mr Wickers, he exemplifies
everything that I will miss
about Abbey Grove.
I know it's unconventional,
but I'd quite like to start
the bidding myself.
£50 for Alfie.
£60. 70.
£80!
100. £200!
Don't worry, girls,
you can share me.
OK,
but she's not kissing your mouth.
This gentleman would like to make
a bid on behalf of his employer.
I'll match whatever he bids.
I don't think you will, Miss
Gulliver. The bid is for £25,000.
What?
That's enough to save the school!
Well, I can't match that. Chantelle?
Wait, is this a wind-up?
Going once, going twice,
sold, to the mystery bidder!
We did it. We did it!
Who'd spend all that money on me?
Well, whoever it is,
they've saved the school.
And seeing as Abbey Grove's going
to be OK, I think, maybe...
What?
I'm not going to South Africa, Alf.
You said yourself that the school
needs me and you need me,
but I've come to realise
that I need the school, and...
I also need...
No, no.
We made this mistake last term.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
We should just be friends.
No, I meant kissing
in front of the kids.
Come with me.
Oh, Dad!
Jesus!
Alf!
Oh, Christ, er, er...
Celia had the hiccups.
I was trying to scare her
by giving her the willies.
Stop doing this!
Now calm down, Smoocher.
Martin, you must tell him.
Er, Celia and I, er...
She mentioned that you may have
seen an invitation?
What invitation?
Oh, God, yes, sorry -
how could I forget?
Well, it's an invitation
to a very special occasion.
We're getting married!
Dad, what the hell? You are marrying
this stupid hobbit woman?
Oh, Alf, I love this hobbit woman.
Could we stop saying hobbit woman?
Sorry, darling.
Alf, we're going to be
a family again.
Come here, Smoocher. Hug Mummy.
Alfie, come back! Alfie!
I know I should be pretty annoyed
but at least Pro Green
makes my dad happy.
I'm happy too.
Ahem!
What, Jing?
Sir, the anonymous bidder says
that you have to leave immediately,
otherwise the deal is off.
You'll be here
when I get back, right?
Of course I will.
Pickwell!
You bought me?
Oh, yes, Mr Wickers.
But... last time I saw you,
you were penniless!
Mm. Well, you remember my German
consort, the Beast of Bergandorf?
Sadly the old man died last month,
leaving me all the gold
he'd stashed in Switzerland.
Hence, my little splurge on you.
What can you possibly do with me
that's worth £25,000?
Oh, you have no idea.
Let the games begin.
A saddle?!
Drive on, Mephisto.