Bad Education (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Valentine's Day - full transcript
Alfie does not take to Miss Pickwell's equally officious replacement Professor Celia Green, especially when she interrupts Fraser's 'Take Me Out' dating show which he has organized for Valentine's Day, announcing to everybody that Chantelle is pregnant and Alfie has offered to help look after the baby. Miss Gulliver agrees to pose as Alfie's girlfriend as he has told Martin, his father, that they are going out. However when Miss Gulliver arrives at the house she and Alfie have to endure hearing the noisy love-making of former student colleagues Martin and Professor Green.
Oh, Alfred, this arrived
in the post for you.
Happy Valentine's, pal.
It's not from her, is it?
No.
Though I'm sure
Mum's thinking about us,
over in Spain with Javier...
and their children.
Forest Fruit?
So, are you bringing anyone
to dinner tonight?
Ah, 'fraid not. Women aren't
interested in an old saddo like me.
Do you know, the other day
I was trying to remember
the last time
I touched a woman's breast.
It was your grandmother's - she'd
asked me to check for a lump.
Oh, Dad, TMI.
You don't have to cook for me
tonight. We could go out, lads on the
town! Have a few Jaguar bombs.
It's pronounced Jaeger bomb.
And anyway, how many times
do I have to tell you?
It's Valentine's Day -
people assume we're a couple.
Well, it's not going to happen
this year, is it?
Not with your girlfriend in tow!
I cannot wait to meet
the famous Rosie Gullivard.
Gulliver. She is still coming,
isn't she?
Um, yeah.
Well, shouldn't you be going in?
I might just stay
a little bit longer.
Look, trooper. I was a teacher
for over 25 years
and do you know the most
important lesson I learnt?
Respect is earned, not given.
Dad, just give it a rest.
And for your information,
I have the pupils' respect.
Dr Alfinstein! Stop playing God
and meet our new deputy head.
Hi. Alfie.
Professor Green.
What, seriously?
As in Professor Green?
Yes, my ex-husband
is the feted gastroenterologist
Professor Herman Green.
No, Pro Green? The best British
rapper since Brian Harvey,
or maybe J from 5ive.
I'm afraid I'm not very au fait
with the rap-hop.
I have, however, just been told all
about Abbey Grove's... "wunderkind".
Smoocher! A-ha, Smoocher!
You forgot your lunch box.
I popped an extra Yakult in there,
help settle your tummy.
He's got the...
..squits. Celia!
Martin? You know each other?
Know each other? We did
our teacher training together.
Must be, what, 25 years?
But what are you doing here?
I pined for a challenge!
To salvage a struggling school,
get it shipshape, hence Abbey Grove.
Aye, aye, Cap'n!
Classic! Well, it wasn't.
How's... Herman, isn't it?
Ah. Herman and I are no longer...
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Herman never understood
that my career came first.
Perhaps that's what drove
the little naughty man
into the arms of a young... er lady!
It's, um, ham and...
Coleslaw.
Coleslaw. Yes.
Ah, the call to arms!
Well, I mustn't keep you.
After all "Punctuality is...
"The politeness of kings."
Go!
Well, well, well. Martin Stool.
Wickers. He took my mum's name,
unsurprisingly.
I can see you've got
a whiff of the Stool about you.
Probably the squits!
Well, off to teach
my first class. Au revoir.
Ferrero Roche.
You seem disappointed.
You thought it was going to be
the real Pro Green, didn't you?
Hey, 'sup, guys. Sweet threads.
Sir, why are we wearing
our home clothes?
Cos Pickwell's dead!
From now on, it's ice cream
for breakfast, bitches!
Joe, you're worse than my dad.
Why are you so chipper?
He's in lovvvvee.
Oooh!
Gay!
So, that's why you've
come as Olly Murs?
Erm, Joseph, what's his name?
HER name is Alison Dear
and she's beautiful.
Alison Dear?
Oh, Ally Dear!
♪ Why do birds suddenly appear
every time she is near? ♪
Cos her breath smells like a trawler.
Alfie, do you think
I should send her a card?
That'd be a first.
Someone sending a card TO Moonpig.
You're just jealous cos you haven't
got anyone to send a card TO.
Ooh, Father's Day all over again.
I got this card from Mitchell's mum.
"Dear Rem-Dogg,
here's your £20 back.
"I can't charge you
cos you were so good!"
And I got a card from YOUR mum.
Giving me back the Wotsits
that I paid HER with!
"PS, you banged me so hard
now I'm in a wheelchair."
Guys, I realise it's
Valentine's Day,
but could you please stop flirting?
Speaking of which,
where's Chantelle?
She's seeing the school nurse.
Is she ill?
Sorry, sir, she made me make a BFF
personal padlock pinky promise.
Ah, Mr Wickers. Could we
have a tete-a-tete in the corridor?
Rem-Dogg, by the way, if you have
been sleeping with Mitchell's mum
I suggest you go and give your cock
a thorough clean.
Mr Wickers, is it my little betise,
or does the school have a uniform?
Yeah, a really stupid one.
Hence I told my kids
they can wear what they like now.
You'll think me
a grumpy old sourpuss,
but I do think it lends Abbey Grove
a certain sartorial elegance.
I don't know what that means,
so shall we just agree to disagree?
Shouldn't one agree to agree
with one's deputy head?
I don't really go in for that
whole teacher, naggy shit.
Me and the kids are mates.
"I", Mr Wickers, not "me".
I and the kids are mates.
But just, go with the flow.
And, hey, remember, respect
is a dish best served earned,
not served... given.
So, are we still on for tonight?
Tonight?
Yeah, you know how ages and ages ago
we arranged for you to come to
dinner because for some weird reason
my dad thinks we're going out?
What?! Why does your dad think
that we're going out?
Long story, don't want to
bore you with it. Try me.
I told him.
Please do this for me?
I'm seeing Alex.
But he's really depressed.
If he finds out that I'm unhappy too
this could be the straw
that breaks the camel's back.
Are you saying your father's life
is in my hands? Er, no,
but literary analogy, you're
Ted Hughes, my dad's Sylvia Plath.
I don't want to find him
putting his head into a gas oven.
He's not going to put his head in
an oven if I don't come for dinner.
Yeah, well, obviously not, cos
I don't have an oven in my flat.
He could use the microwave.
Actually, you couldn't use
a microwave
cos when you tried to shut it
your head would stop the door.
He could take it into the bath.
Shower! My flat only has a shower!
Sorry, read that essay title again?
"Who first popularised the
'Awooga' mantra? Discuss."
And how is this relevant?
Look, Jing, now that
Pickwell's not around to tell me
what I can and can't teach,
you're going to notice
quite a few changes round here.
Now, scholars are divided
into three schools of thought.
Charles, Akabusi,
"Fash the Bash" Fashanu.
Oi, Dickers, what you doing tonight?
Fash-the-bashing one out
to ten-minute free-view?
No, Mitchell. If you must know
I'm going on a Valentine's Day
dinner... with my dad.
I can't work out whether that's
really sweet or incredibly sad.
The problem is, right, I told him
Miss Gulliver's my girlfriend
and he wants to meet her tonight
but she won't come with me,
so I need a surrogate.
OK, so mainly sad.
My sister might be up for helping
you out, sir. She ain't got
a date tonight. Really?
Oh, wait - do I have to,
like, grab her
or fight someone in a car park
to win her hand?
Nah, just get her a Bargain
Bucket. I'll text her now.
Oh, thanks, mate.
Really appreciate that.
Murs, are you all right?
It's Ally. I was going to ask her
out, but she totally blanked me.
She probably doesn't even
realise you like her, mate!
I just feel so empty.
Don't look it. Sir, I've got
something for you to look at.
If you've put undergarments
in my Valentine's card again,
I'm not accepting them.
No, sir. Look!
I'm pregnant!
Are you sure?
Yep, she showed me the test
and everything.
Maybe all that flirting
was just a cry for help.
Why didn't I do something earlier?
Talk to her -
you're a good listener.
Sorry, what?
I said you're a good listener.
Yeah, you're right,
I shouldn't blame myself.
If anything, I've fulfilled my role
as a guardian.
If the finger's going to be pointed
at anyone it's her peer groups,
whether that's her friends at school
or her parents. Bang on.
A teenage pregnancy
foisted upon me already!
Abbey Grove does not disappoint.
God.
I'm sorry, Rosie, I've failed her.
Alfie, calm down.
Just call Chantelle's mum.
No way! She's so flirty.
Plus, I think her number's
a premium line.
Still, no doubt the whole school can
learn a lesson from her predicament.
The school isn't learning anything.
That, I do not dispute.
I meant from Chantelle.
She's not going public with it.
She's made us all make a BFF
personal padlock pinky promise.
Do we know who sired the infant?
Who's the father?
Oh. We don't know,
but I guess we'll find out soon.
She's going to name the baby
after its dad.
Sorry, what do you know
about Chantelle?
Well, I know that letting
pupils... how did you put it?
"Go with the flow"?
..Always damages the reputation
of a school. Full stop.
Yeah, well, I let my pupils
"go with the flow"
because I'm not here to bully them,
am I? Full stop.
That's not a full stop,
that's a question mark.
You asked me a question.
Whatever. Comma.
Semi-colon. Square brackets.
That stupid "and".
He's just upset, Celia.
I think I prefer Professor Green.
I think I prefer Miss Pickwell.
Alfie, look, just talk to Chantelle,
OK?
And I suggest you do so
with greater didacticism.
Oooh! I'll be piling on the
didackanism by the shedload.
Just as soon as I've googled it
to find out what it means.
Help! Help!
Thanks, Alf. I got stuck -
bloody Love Lift!
What is this? This bad boy is for
Abbey Grove's very own Take Me Out.
I'm getting the shy kids off Virgin
Rail and onto the Pum-Tang Express.
A dating show for the kids?
Well, that's going to be pants.
Actually, wait,
can we pick who goes on it?
Of course. You know Alison Dear?
Oh, Ally Dear? We can put her down.
I didn't know
you were a chubby chaser.
No, not for me. I'm trying to
set her up with Joe Poulter.
Consider it done.
See, now you likey?
I don't like-li... It's a shit idea
but at least it's better than
your tragic online dating.
There's nothing tragic about
my date tonight. The itinerary -
ice skating, Pizza-Sex-press,
then apres,
see if we can't find the willy-wagon
somewhere warm to park...
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Chantelle, I think at some point
we should, er, you know, um, talk...
About the baby?
Have you told anyone else?
No! BFF personal padlock
pinky promise.
Thanks, sir.
Oh, I've changed my mind.
I'm naming him after
my favourite teacher.
Baby Alfie.
Oh, right... good.
Sir, do you think pregnancy's
made my breasts bigger?
I'm just going to... go over there.
Alfie, I feel like there's something
I need to make really clear.
I honestly can't come tonight.
Oh. One of those Royal Mail
missed delivery things.
It's handwritten.
So it is. Royal Mail -
the personal touch.
It's your address.
I must... live above a depot.
Look, please come. I know it's a
weird situation, but I'm desperate.
I'm sorry, Alf,
I'm seeing Alex tonight.
And if you must know,
we're having some problems.
Turns out I do have
some issues with my...
Come on!
Calm down, calm down!
Hello and welcome to Take Me Out!
We've got six lovely ladies
gagging for a fella
and the date of a lifetime
on the Isle of... ALL: Fernandoze!
That's it, girls, zhuzh up your
hair, pout your lips
and hitch up your skir...
Hair again.
Let the Abbey see the Grove.
Single men, reveal yourselves!
It's Reggie Blinker!
You know how it works, girls,
no likey... No lighty!
Oh, God. This is going to be
a car crash.
No likey, no light... aaaah!
Off! Off! Off!
Let Mr Popplecock
see the redundancy package!
Probably not the time for
this announcement, but, seriously -
we will all miss you.
Single man, reveal yourself!
Help! Help!
The door's a bit sticky... Help!
Just needs a bit of force.
Come on, big guy, work with me here.
Oh!
Oh, my God, he looks like a Smurf.
So, no likey... No lighty.
Yes! Get in there!
Round two! So, what sets you apart
from the crowd?
Um. Asthma?
And a big willy - woooo!
So, why do you want to be
on the show?
Um, I just wanted to ask, um...
Ally...
..um, would you...?
What are you doing?
I know it's awfully jolly,
trivialising sexual promiscuity...
Are you from the past?
I mean, who even talks like that?
..but given the current situation...
What situation?
Chantelle Parsons. She's pregnant.
Oops! What a slippy goose!
Right! You have no right
to talk about that!
Sir! You broke the BFF
personal padlock pinky promise!
I'm sorry. I was asking
Miss Gulliver for advice.
And YOU! I told you this
was a secret.
God, you can be so didactism -
noun, intending to teach,
with an emphasis
on moral instruction.
I can be so didactic, Alfred.
The adjective.
Look, it's not Chantelle's fault.
If anyone's to blame
for this pregnancy, it's me.
Sir, will you look after me
and Baby Alfie?
Baby Alfie? Mr Wickers!
No, I forgot to tell you...
Dickers is the dad. What a nonce!
At least you're not firing blanks.
It's not mine, you idiot.
I just meant that I'd help
look after the child.
Yeah. Sir's trying to be nice,
like Jean Valjean in Les Mis.
Yes, exactly, like Stephen says,
like the man in Les Miserables.
Prove it, sir. Sing!
I'm not going to sing.
Explain yourself, Mr Wickers.
I... It's not...
Dream a dream. Sing!
Yeah, go on, sir. Don't.
♪ Chantelle, I shall be
the child's guardian
♪ Even though I did not shag you
♪ I have done no wrong
Just like Jean Valjean
♪ He stole a loaf of bread
♪ I stand accused of putting
a bun in the oven inste-e-e-a-ad. ♪
That was so beautiful!
Why did you do that? I don't know.
Mr Wickers, if you have impregnated
this young lady,
I shall be calling the constabulary.
The police.
No! Not the police!
No, Professor Green. Please!
Wait! I'm not pregnant.
What?!
I lied.
I just wanted it
to look like someone loves me.
And I wanted you to notice me, sir.
Chantelle, you don't need to lie
to get my attention.
I'm always here for you.
Yeah, so back off, Javert.
Alfie, Ally's going on a date
with me! Really?
Yeah. On Saturday, we're going to
World of Waffles in Watford!
Amazing, mate. Well done. Ooh,
and you know what that means?
Cos I kinda made it happen,
you are indebted to me
for the rest of your life, so...
you can cook, right?
Yeah, I know my way around
a George Foreman grill.
Will you help me
with my dinner party tonight? OK.
Sweet! I knew I could count
on you. Cheers, mate.
Oi, Vagitarian, get your sister
round mine for about 7, 7.30.
I'm afraid she ain't
coming nowhere near you, mate.
What? Why? Well, she Facebooked you.
We had a deal. Well, I didn't make
your profile picture
some nerd dressed as Gandalf. Me
and the lads were on a pub crawl.
Don't worry. I got a back-up plan.
One of my brother's girlfriends
said she'll do it.
You promise me this time?
Yes, Bilbo Bell-End. Just text me
your address and she'll be there.
OK, deal! And FYI,
I wasn't dressed as Gandalf.
I was dressed as Sauron, in his
guise as the first Chief Lieutenant
to the first Dark Lord, Morgoth,
around the time he overran Eregion,
killed Celebrimbor, leader of the
Elven-smiths, and sealed seven of
the nine Rings of Power.
So who's the dickhead now?
Sweet - Mitchell's brother's
girlfriend's on her way.
Here are your ingredients.
Mitchell got it for me.
Alfie, I can cook spag bol
but I can't cook bunny rabbits.
Oh, come on, it's easy! Just
shave it, stick an onion up its bum
and then put it in the microwave.
Hey, Smooch, groovy news.
I've got a hot date.
That's brilliant, Dad. Who is she?
Oh, sorry, there must be
some kind of a mix-up.
Halloween's not till October,
and even then, it's only really the
children who dress up as monsters,
so how about you "fuck off"
and stop trying to "ruin my life"?
Good evening, Alfred.
Celia! Hello-ha!
Let me take your coat.
Shut. Up.
So lovely to see you, Martin.
Oh, likewise.
What are you doing here?
Your father invited me for dinner
on the Facebook.
Oh! I don't know what is
more sickening,
the fact that YOU'RE here
or that my dad's on Facebook.
Poke!
Poke!
Poke! Glass of vinegar, my luvver?
Oh!
So did you meet Alfred's
bit of skirt today?
Oh! I thought Alfie was single!
Hands off! Alfie is dating
the famous Rosie Gulliver.
She's coming tonight -
it's a double date.
Is she now?
Professor Green, could I have
a word with you in the kitchen
about your dietary requirements?
Look, the Rosie Gulliver
coming for dinner tonight
isn't the real Rosie Gulliver.
My dad's got confused
and now it's too far down the line.
I'm begging you, when you see
this girl, can you just...
Go with the flow?
My kids'll be back in
school uniforms tomorrow.
And you'll stop setting them essays
on catchphrases from the '90s?
Yes.
And you'll stop teaching us
topless whenever it's hot?
Shut up, Joe.
This has nothing to do with you.
That'll be "Rosie".
You Mitchell's mate?
His brother sent me.
Oh, shit!
No, Mitchell, your brother
is not a playa, he's a payer.
She is 100% a prostitute!
Hi. I can offer you £20,
some cod liver oil and a rabbit...
to make you go away.
How d'you cook that?
Onion up the bum. Bye!
You know, now you've paid,
you can put your onion
up my rabbit-hole!
I wanted the car cleaned
on the outside AND the inside,
but they thought I only
wanted the outside done.
In the end, I had to vacuum
the inside myself!
Oh, Martin,
that is such a funny story!
Funny?! I think you need
to check your dictionary app.
God! This is the most
middle-aged dinner party ever.
Martin, do you like
the television programme Mad Men?
I love it.
Mmm, I think you're
a bit of a Don Draper.
OK, toots. Care for another Scotch?
Oh, sorry,
that was an American accent?
Dad, you sounded like
a Jamaican having a stroke.
My wife went to the West Indies.
Oh, God. Jamaica?
No, she went of her own acc...
Joe! Can you please bring in
some bleach so I can kill myself?
Oops, someone's a bit T-I-R-D—E.
Cheer up, Grumpo. Rosie'll pull
through, it's only a touch of flu.
Yes. So sad she's not
feeling herself.
Look... Dad, I might as well
just be honest with you.
The thing is, Rosie...
Rosie!
I thought...
What about Alex?
We've broken up.
Anyway, I just thought that
you might cheer me up.
You could tell your face
to look a little less happy.
I can't believe you came!
Well, you were there for Chantelle
so I thought I'd be here for you.
Thanks. Oh, and you don't need
to pretend to be my girlfriend.
I'm just going to tell my dad
the truth.
No, I don't mind being
your girlfriend for one night.
Does that mean
you'll be sleeping over? No.
Oh, sorry, it's just, I have
this Postman Pat bed linen
so I would've change...
Shall I come in?
Yeah. Pro Green
won't know what's hit her!
Pro Green?! Don't ask.
Dad, Celia, guess who's here?
Hey, Miss Gulliver.
Where are they?
Oh, um, Pro Green wanted
to take a look at your bedroom
so your dad took her in there.
He's very drunk.
My bedroom?!
Oh, my God.
Oh, Celia! Not in Alfie's room!
I've made blancmange.
Did you know that apart from us,
the only other animal to get
sunburnt is the pig?
God. Imagine if this got round
the school.
We won't tell anyone.
It's Mitchell.
"What's long and hard and covered
in Green? Your dad's cock".
Joe!
I might have tweeted, like, once.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
Alfred.
Rosie!
"Go with the flow"!
Well, jolly good. Bravo.
Goodnight. Bye, Martin.
Alfred. Rosemary.
Goodnight. Night. Night.
Dad, this is...
Hi, I'm Rosie.
Oh, er, probably best not shake my...
I'm just going to put these sheets
in the wash.
I tried to keep a lid on it
but... it's been a while.
Postman Pat's fine.
Mrs Goggins took the brunt of it.
in the post for you.
Happy Valentine's, pal.
It's not from her, is it?
No.
Though I'm sure
Mum's thinking about us,
over in Spain with Javier...
and their children.
Forest Fruit?
So, are you bringing anyone
to dinner tonight?
Ah, 'fraid not. Women aren't
interested in an old saddo like me.
Do you know, the other day
I was trying to remember
the last time
I touched a woman's breast.
It was your grandmother's - she'd
asked me to check for a lump.
Oh, Dad, TMI.
You don't have to cook for me
tonight. We could go out, lads on the
town! Have a few Jaguar bombs.
It's pronounced Jaeger bomb.
And anyway, how many times
do I have to tell you?
It's Valentine's Day -
people assume we're a couple.
Well, it's not going to happen
this year, is it?
Not with your girlfriend in tow!
I cannot wait to meet
the famous Rosie Gullivard.
Gulliver. She is still coming,
isn't she?
Um, yeah.
Well, shouldn't you be going in?
I might just stay
a little bit longer.
Look, trooper. I was a teacher
for over 25 years
and do you know the most
important lesson I learnt?
Respect is earned, not given.
Dad, just give it a rest.
And for your information,
I have the pupils' respect.
Dr Alfinstein! Stop playing God
and meet our new deputy head.
Hi. Alfie.
Professor Green.
What, seriously?
As in Professor Green?
Yes, my ex-husband
is the feted gastroenterologist
Professor Herman Green.
No, Pro Green? The best British
rapper since Brian Harvey,
or maybe J from 5ive.
I'm afraid I'm not very au fait
with the rap-hop.
I have, however, just been told all
about Abbey Grove's... "wunderkind".
Smoocher! A-ha, Smoocher!
You forgot your lunch box.
I popped an extra Yakult in there,
help settle your tummy.
He's got the...
..squits. Celia!
Martin? You know each other?
Know each other? We did
our teacher training together.
Must be, what, 25 years?
But what are you doing here?
I pined for a challenge!
To salvage a struggling school,
get it shipshape, hence Abbey Grove.
Aye, aye, Cap'n!
Classic! Well, it wasn't.
How's... Herman, isn't it?
Ah. Herman and I are no longer...
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Herman never understood
that my career came first.
Perhaps that's what drove
the little naughty man
into the arms of a young... er lady!
It's, um, ham and...
Coleslaw.
Coleslaw. Yes.
Ah, the call to arms!
Well, I mustn't keep you.
After all "Punctuality is...
"The politeness of kings."
Go!
Well, well, well. Martin Stool.
Wickers. He took my mum's name,
unsurprisingly.
I can see you've got
a whiff of the Stool about you.
Probably the squits!
Well, off to teach
my first class. Au revoir.
Ferrero Roche.
You seem disappointed.
You thought it was going to be
the real Pro Green, didn't you?
Hey, 'sup, guys. Sweet threads.
Sir, why are we wearing
our home clothes?
Cos Pickwell's dead!
From now on, it's ice cream
for breakfast, bitches!
Joe, you're worse than my dad.
Why are you so chipper?
He's in lovvvvee.
Oooh!
Gay!
So, that's why you've
come as Olly Murs?
Erm, Joseph, what's his name?
HER name is Alison Dear
and she's beautiful.
Alison Dear?
Oh, Ally Dear!
♪ Why do birds suddenly appear
every time she is near? ♪
Cos her breath smells like a trawler.
Alfie, do you think
I should send her a card?
That'd be a first.
Someone sending a card TO Moonpig.
You're just jealous cos you haven't
got anyone to send a card TO.
Ooh, Father's Day all over again.
I got this card from Mitchell's mum.
"Dear Rem-Dogg,
here's your £20 back.
"I can't charge you
cos you were so good!"
And I got a card from YOUR mum.
Giving me back the Wotsits
that I paid HER with!
"PS, you banged me so hard
now I'm in a wheelchair."
Guys, I realise it's
Valentine's Day,
but could you please stop flirting?
Speaking of which,
where's Chantelle?
She's seeing the school nurse.
Is she ill?
Sorry, sir, she made me make a BFF
personal padlock pinky promise.
Ah, Mr Wickers. Could we
have a tete-a-tete in the corridor?
Rem-Dogg, by the way, if you have
been sleeping with Mitchell's mum
I suggest you go and give your cock
a thorough clean.
Mr Wickers, is it my little betise,
or does the school have a uniform?
Yeah, a really stupid one.
Hence I told my kids
they can wear what they like now.
You'll think me
a grumpy old sourpuss,
but I do think it lends Abbey Grove
a certain sartorial elegance.
I don't know what that means,
so shall we just agree to disagree?
Shouldn't one agree to agree
with one's deputy head?
I don't really go in for that
whole teacher, naggy shit.
Me and the kids are mates.
"I", Mr Wickers, not "me".
I and the kids are mates.
But just, go with the flow.
And, hey, remember, respect
is a dish best served earned,
not served... given.
So, are we still on for tonight?
Tonight?
Yeah, you know how ages and ages ago
we arranged for you to come to
dinner because for some weird reason
my dad thinks we're going out?
What?! Why does your dad think
that we're going out?
Long story, don't want to
bore you with it. Try me.
I told him.
Please do this for me?
I'm seeing Alex.
But he's really depressed.
If he finds out that I'm unhappy too
this could be the straw
that breaks the camel's back.
Are you saying your father's life
is in my hands? Er, no,
but literary analogy, you're
Ted Hughes, my dad's Sylvia Plath.
I don't want to find him
putting his head into a gas oven.
He's not going to put his head in
an oven if I don't come for dinner.
Yeah, well, obviously not, cos
I don't have an oven in my flat.
He could use the microwave.
Actually, you couldn't use
a microwave
cos when you tried to shut it
your head would stop the door.
He could take it into the bath.
Shower! My flat only has a shower!
Sorry, read that essay title again?
"Who first popularised the
'Awooga' mantra? Discuss."
And how is this relevant?
Look, Jing, now that
Pickwell's not around to tell me
what I can and can't teach,
you're going to notice
quite a few changes round here.
Now, scholars are divided
into three schools of thought.
Charles, Akabusi,
"Fash the Bash" Fashanu.
Oi, Dickers, what you doing tonight?
Fash-the-bashing one out
to ten-minute free-view?
No, Mitchell. If you must know
I'm going on a Valentine's Day
dinner... with my dad.
I can't work out whether that's
really sweet or incredibly sad.
The problem is, right, I told him
Miss Gulliver's my girlfriend
and he wants to meet her tonight
but she won't come with me,
so I need a surrogate.
OK, so mainly sad.
My sister might be up for helping
you out, sir. She ain't got
a date tonight. Really?
Oh, wait - do I have to,
like, grab her
or fight someone in a car park
to win her hand?
Nah, just get her a Bargain
Bucket. I'll text her now.
Oh, thanks, mate.
Really appreciate that.
Murs, are you all right?
It's Ally. I was going to ask her
out, but she totally blanked me.
She probably doesn't even
realise you like her, mate!
I just feel so empty.
Don't look it. Sir, I've got
something for you to look at.
If you've put undergarments
in my Valentine's card again,
I'm not accepting them.
No, sir. Look!
I'm pregnant!
Are you sure?
Yep, she showed me the test
and everything.
Maybe all that flirting
was just a cry for help.
Why didn't I do something earlier?
Talk to her -
you're a good listener.
Sorry, what?
I said you're a good listener.
Yeah, you're right,
I shouldn't blame myself.
If anything, I've fulfilled my role
as a guardian.
If the finger's going to be pointed
at anyone it's her peer groups,
whether that's her friends at school
or her parents. Bang on.
A teenage pregnancy
foisted upon me already!
Abbey Grove does not disappoint.
God.
I'm sorry, Rosie, I've failed her.
Alfie, calm down.
Just call Chantelle's mum.
No way! She's so flirty.
Plus, I think her number's
a premium line.
Still, no doubt the whole school can
learn a lesson from her predicament.
The school isn't learning anything.
That, I do not dispute.
I meant from Chantelle.
She's not going public with it.
She's made us all make a BFF
personal padlock pinky promise.
Do we know who sired the infant?
Who's the father?
Oh. We don't know,
but I guess we'll find out soon.
She's going to name the baby
after its dad.
Sorry, what do you know
about Chantelle?
Well, I know that letting
pupils... how did you put it?
"Go with the flow"?
..Always damages the reputation
of a school. Full stop.
Yeah, well, I let my pupils
"go with the flow"
because I'm not here to bully them,
am I? Full stop.
That's not a full stop,
that's a question mark.
You asked me a question.
Whatever. Comma.
Semi-colon. Square brackets.
That stupid "and".
He's just upset, Celia.
I think I prefer Professor Green.
I think I prefer Miss Pickwell.
Alfie, look, just talk to Chantelle,
OK?
And I suggest you do so
with greater didacticism.
Oooh! I'll be piling on the
didackanism by the shedload.
Just as soon as I've googled it
to find out what it means.
Help! Help!
Thanks, Alf. I got stuck -
bloody Love Lift!
What is this? This bad boy is for
Abbey Grove's very own Take Me Out.
I'm getting the shy kids off Virgin
Rail and onto the Pum-Tang Express.
A dating show for the kids?
Well, that's going to be pants.
Actually, wait,
can we pick who goes on it?
Of course. You know Alison Dear?
Oh, Ally Dear? We can put her down.
I didn't know
you were a chubby chaser.
No, not for me. I'm trying to
set her up with Joe Poulter.
Consider it done.
See, now you likey?
I don't like-li... It's a shit idea
but at least it's better than
your tragic online dating.
There's nothing tragic about
my date tonight. The itinerary -
ice skating, Pizza-Sex-press,
then apres,
see if we can't find the willy-wagon
somewhere warm to park...
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Chantelle, I think at some point
we should, er, you know, um, talk...
About the baby?
Have you told anyone else?
No! BFF personal padlock
pinky promise.
Thanks, sir.
Oh, I've changed my mind.
I'm naming him after
my favourite teacher.
Baby Alfie.
Oh, right... good.
Sir, do you think pregnancy's
made my breasts bigger?
I'm just going to... go over there.
Alfie, I feel like there's something
I need to make really clear.
I honestly can't come tonight.
Oh. One of those Royal Mail
missed delivery things.
It's handwritten.
So it is. Royal Mail -
the personal touch.
It's your address.
I must... live above a depot.
Look, please come. I know it's a
weird situation, but I'm desperate.
I'm sorry, Alf,
I'm seeing Alex tonight.
And if you must know,
we're having some problems.
Turns out I do have
some issues with my...
Come on!
Calm down, calm down!
Hello and welcome to Take Me Out!
We've got six lovely ladies
gagging for a fella
and the date of a lifetime
on the Isle of... ALL: Fernandoze!
That's it, girls, zhuzh up your
hair, pout your lips
and hitch up your skir...
Hair again.
Let the Abbey see the Grove.
Single men, reveal yourselves!
It's Reggie Blinker!
You know how it works, girls,
no likey... No lighty!
Oh, God. This is going to be
a car crash.
No likey, no light... aaaah!
Off! Off! Off!
Let Mr Popplecock
see the redundancy package!
Probably not the time for
this announcement, but, seriously -
we will all miss you.
Single man, reveal yourself!
Help! Help!
The door's a bit sticky... Help!
Just needs a bit of force.
Come on, big guy, work with me here.
Oh!
Oh, my God, he looks like a Smurf.
So, no likey... No lighty.
Yes! Get in there!
Round two! So, what sets you apart
from the crowd?
Um. Asthma?
And a big willy - woooo!
So, why do you want to be
on the show?
Um, I just wanted to ask, um...
Ally...
..um, would you...?
What are you doing?
I know it's awfully jolly,
trivialising sexual promiscuity...
Are you from the past?
I mean, who even talks like that?
..but given the current situation...
What situation?
Chantelle Parsons. She's pregnant.
Oops! What a slippy goose!
Right! You have no right
to talk about that!
Sir! You broke the BFF
personal padlock pinky promise!
I'm sorry. I was asking
Miss Gulliver for advice.
And YOU! I told you this
was a secret.
God, you can be so didactism -
noun, intending to teach,
with an emphasis
on moral instruction.
I can be so didactic, Alfred.
The adjective.
Look, it's not Chantelle's fault.
If anyone's to blame
for this pregnancy, it's me.
Sir, will you look after me
and Baby Alfie?
Baby Alfie? Mr Wickers!
No, I forgot to tell you...
Dickers is the dad. What a nonce!
At least you're not firing blanks.
It's not mine, you idiot.
I just meant that I'd help
look after the child.
Yeah. Sir's trying to be nice,
like Jean Valjean in Les Mis.
Yes, exactly, like Stephen says,
like the man in Les Miserables.
Prove it, sir. Sing!
I'm not going to sing.
Explain yourself, Mr Wickers.
I... It's not...
Dream a dream. Sing!
Yeah, go on, sir. Don't.
♪ Chantelle, I shall be
the child's guardian
♪ Even though I did not shag you
♪ I have done no wrong
Just like Jean Valjean
♪ He stole a loaf of bread
♪ I stand accused of putting
a bun in the oven inste-e-e-a-ad. ♪
That was so beautiful!
Why did you do that? I don't know.
Mr Wickers, if you have impregnated
this young lady,
I shall be calling the constabulary.
The police.
No! Not the police!
No, Professor Green. Please!
Wait! I'm not pregnant.
What?!
I lied.
I just wanted it
to look like someone loves me.
And I wanted you to notice me, sir.
Chantelle, you don't need to lie
to get my attention.
I'm always here for you.
Yeah, so back off, Javert.
Alfie, Ally's going on a date
with me! Really?
Yeah. On Saturday, we're going to
World of Waffles in Watford!
Amazing, mate. Well done. Ooh,
and you know what that means?
Cos I kinda made it happen,
you are indebted to me
for the rest of your life, so...
you can cook, right?
Yeah, I know my way around
a George Foreman grill.
Will you help me
with my dinner party tonight? OK.
Sweet! I knew I could count
on you. Cheers, mate.
Oi, Vagitarian, get your sister
round mine for about 7, 7.30.
I'm afraid she ain't
coming nowhere near you, mate.
What? Why? Well, she Facebooked you.
We had a deal. Well, I didn't make
your profile picture
some nerd dressed as Gandalf. Me
and the lads were on a pub crawl.
Don't worry. I got a back-up plan.
One of my brother's girlfriends
said she'll do it.
You promise me this time?
Yes, Bilbo Bell-End. Just text me
your address and she'll be there.
OK, deal! And FYI,
I wasn't dressed as Gandalf.
I was dressed as Sauron, in his
guise as the first Chief Lieutenant
to the first Dark Lord, Morgoth,
around the time he overran Eregion,
killed Celebrimbor, leader of the
Elven-smiths, and sealed seven of
the nine Rings of Power.
So who's the dickhead now?
Sweet - Mitchell's brother's
girlfriend's on her way.
Here are your ingredients.
Mitchell got it for me.
Alfie, I can cook spag bol
but I can't cook bunny rabbits.
Oh, come on, it's easy! Just
shave it, stick an onion up its bum
and then put it in the microwave.
Hey, Smooch, groovy news.
I've got a hot date.
That's brilliant, Dad. Who is she?
Oh, sorry, there must be
some kind of a mix-up.
Halloween's not till October,
and even then, it's only really the
children who dress up as monsters,
so how about you "fuck off"
and stop trying to "ruin my life"?
Good evening, Alfred.
Celia! Hello-ha!
Let me take your coat.
Shut. Up.
So lovely to see you, Martin.
Oh, likewise.
What are you doing here?
Your father invited me for dinner
on the Facebook.
Oh! I don't know what is
more sickening,
the fact that YOU'RE here
or that my dad's on Facebook.
Poke!
Poke!
Poke! Glass of vinegar, my luvver?
Oh!
So did you meet Alfred's
bit of skirt today?
Oh! I thought Alfie was single!
Hands off! Alfie is dating
the famous Rosie Gulliver.
She's coming tonight -
it's a double date.
Is she now?
Professor Green, could I have
a word with you in the kitchen
about your dietary requirements?
Look, the Rosie Gulliver
coming for dinner tonight
isn't the real Rosie Gulliver.
My dad's got confused
and now it's too far down the line.
I'm begging you, when you see
this girl, can you just...
Go with the flow?
My kids'll be back in
school uniforms tomorrow.
And you'll stop setting them essays
on catchphrases from the '90s?
Yes.
And you'll stop teaching us
topless whenever it's hot?
Shut up, Joe.
This has nothing to do with you.
That'll be "Rosie".
You Mitchell's mate?
His brother sent me.
Oh, shit!
No, Mitchell, your brother
is not a playa, he's a payer.
She is 100% a prostitute!
Hi. I can offer you £20,
some cod liver oil and a rabbit...
to make you go away.
How d'you cook that?
Onion up the bum. Bye!
You know, now you've paid,
you can put your onion
up my rabbit-hole!
I wanted the car cleaned
on the outside AND the inside,
but they thought I only
wanted the outside done.
In the end, I had to vacuum
the inside myself!
Oh, Martin,
that is such a funny story!
Funny?! I think you need
to check your dictionary app.
God! This is the most
middle-aged dinner party ever.
Martin, do you like
the television programme Mad Men?
I love it.
Mmm, I think you're
a bit of a Don Draper.
OK, toots. Care for another Scotch?
Oh, sorry,
that was an American accent?
Dad, you sounded like
a Jamaican having a stroke.
My wife went to the West Indies.
Oh, God. Jamaica?
No, she went of her own acc...
Joe! Can you please bring in
some bleach so I can kill myself?
Oops, someone's a bit T-I-R-D—E.
Cheer up, Grumpo. Rosie'll pull
through, it's only a touch of flu.
Yes. So sad she's not
feeling herself.
Look... Dad, I might as well
just be honest with you.
The thing is, Rosie...
Rosie!
I thought...
What about Alex?
We've broken up.
Anyway, I just thought that
you might cheer me up.
You could tell your face
to look a little less happy.
I can't believe you came!
Well, you were there for Chantelle
so I thought I'd be here for you.
Thanks. Oh, and you don't need
to pretend to be my girlfriend.
I'm just going to tell my dad
the truth.
No, I don't mind being
your girlfriend for one night.
Does that mean
you'll be sleeping over? No.
Oh, sorry, it's just, I have
this Postman Pat bed linen
so I would've change...
Shall I come in?
Yeah. Pro Green
won't know what's hit her!
Pro Green?! Don't ask.
Dad, Celia, guess who's here?
Hey, Miss Gulliver.
Where are they?
Oh, um, Pro Green wanted
to take a look at your bedroom
so your dad took her in there.
He's very drunk.
My bedroom?!
Oh, my God.
Oh, Celia! Not in Alfie's room!
I've made blancmange.
Did you know that apart from us,
the only other animal to get
sunburnt is the pig?
God. Imagine if this got round
the school.
We won't tell anyone.
It's Mitchell.
"What's long and hard and covered
in Green? Your dad's cock".
Joe!
I might have tweeted, like, once.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
Alfred.
Rosie!
"Go with the flow"!
Well, jolly good. Bravo.
Goodnight. Bye, Martin.
Alfred. Rosemary.
Goodnight. Night. Night.
Dad, this is...
Hi, I'm Rosie.
Oh, er, probably best not shake my...
I'm just going to put these sheets
in the wash.
I tried to keep a lid on it
but... it's been a while.
Postman Pat's fine.
Mrs Goggins took the brunt of it.