Bad Education (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Drugs - full transcript

MUSIC: "Jah No Partial"
by Major Lazer.

Look, I know how much you hate the
idea of Celia and I being an item.

It was moment of madness.

One too many glasses of rose,
the red mist descends and,

before you know it, you're giving
an old friend a... knee-trembler.

Right, stop the car.

Pull over.

I miss the touch of a woman, Alf.
Celia made me feel so alive.

Her eyes, her touch, her musk.

If it's any consolation,
it didn't last long.

She gave my prostate the once-over.
Apparently, it's tip-top.



Hey, Rosie!
I, er, got you a little present.

Oh, friendship bracelet?

It's just a silly little thing,

to remind you that
I'll always be here for you,

no matter what, for ever more.

It's no biggie.

You cut it off, I die.

Thanks.

Oh, erm, Celia, Fraser's giving
the drugs counsellor a lift,

and they're stuck on the M25,
so we might need a back-up plan.

It's drugs awareness day?
AKA doss day!

Show the kids a couple of pictures
of a dead junkie, and then chill out.

Well, I've actually prepared
a proper presentation on drugs...

Oh, no, Rosie. It's a chore.



Leave it to the most senior
member of staff.

No, it's fine, Celia.
I'm going to talk about drug mules,

and the Taliban,
and the US government...

Woo, yeah! You go, sister!

I blame Starbucks. Mmm.

No, Israel.

Lizards?

Really, Rosie,
take a well-earned break.

Read a fashion magazine.

Flesh tones can be
so brutally honest.

I am fully equipped
to give this talk.

Well, maybe you'd like to borrow
a pair of these...

It's a talk, Celia, not Customs.

Well, it seems a shame
for them to go to waste.

Alfred, I've already given
your father's a once-over,

would you like me
to test your prostate?

What's happened?

It's his parents.

They're taking me away
from Abbey Grove.

They say it's not academical enough.

What? You... you can't leave!

Have your parents
even seen the league tables?

What, the league tables
in which we're ranked

below two orphanages and a kennels?

They want me to become
some boring lawyer.

Sir, are you
and Miss Gulliver cool at the mo?

Yeah. I mean, she's split up
with Alex, and I reckon I've got

just about enough time to seduce her
before she remembers her self-worth.

Going to give her a knob to cry on,
sir? Oh, no, sorry, Mitchell.

I think your mum's
consoling herself on it tonight.

Sir, can you ask Miss Gulliver

to persuade my parents
to let me stay here?

Er, why can't I persuade them?

Cos you'll mess it up, sir.
But I'm great with parents!

Every time you see my parents,
you insist on taking your shoes off.

Yeah. And I bow. Respectful.

Oh, xie xie. Ni hao.

When my mum came in to talk
about me bunking off school,

you asked her
if you could use a clamp.

Yeah, well it's either that or
putting the whole school on stilts.

But Miss Gulliver's
really persuasive.

Persuasive?

Look, I'm sorry, if you want to be
inspired to be a lawyer,

look no further, my friend.

Last year I took on BP, only one
of the world's largest corporations,

and I thrashed them,
on my own, in a court of law.

How much did you win?
Well, I didn't win any actual money,

but you know the Wild Bean Cafe
in Tring?

They now have to have a sign
on their coffee machine which reads,

"Please do not drink
directly from the nozzle."

So, my place tonight, hang out,
listen to a bit of reggae music?

You don't like reggae.

Er, Ollie Murs?

Alfie, I'm sorry. I'm just
not ready to see anyone yet.

I wasn't asking you out!

Hey, if you need any help
with your presentation,

don't be afraid to ask,

cos, obviously,
I know quite a lot about drugs.

You took one anti-depressant when
you heard that 5ive had broken up.

5ive'll make you get down.

Yeah, well, you're still
not that qualified. Oh, really?

My friend Atticus Hoye
once took me to a poppers den.

You don't get a den for poppers.
Well, that shows how much you know.

All these naked guys
injecting themselves with poppers

by sitting on these big
rubber needles.

Atticus,
he couldn't get enough of it.

You know what they say,
once you pop you just can't stop.

So if you, er,
change your mind about tonight...?

I won't.
Well, you might.

I absolutely won't.
Absolutely might.

OK, guys, so there's going to be
no history class today.

I'm going to do my drugs
presentation,

followed by a question and answer.
I got a question, Miss. Yep?

Is it true police dogs can't smell skunk
if you put it in a bottle of Femfresh?

Yep. I sincerely doubt it.

Oh, man! Does anyone want
some Femfresh?

Oh, yeah. I'll take it.

My flat gets really smelly.

Do you even know what Femfresh is?

It's... like Febreze, right?

Yeah,
it makes your curtains smell nice!

OK, guys. OK, calm down.
That's enough.

Now, can anyone ima...

imagine how hard
life must be for Maria,

a drug mule from Mexico?

Whoa, yeah!

If I was eating Mexican food
every day,

I don't think I'd be able
to keep ANYTHING in my ass.

What do people like Maria need?

Hair straighteners?
Look at the split ends on that!

True dat. And maybe some make-up
to sort out this car crash.

No, no.

What people like Maria
need is our respect.

Gs, Hustlers, crisis averted.

Your drugs counsellor... has arrived!

Oh, no, no, no, no, cos
I'm in the middle of my drugs talk.

Oh, that's very sweet, Miss G,

but I have a professional
up my wizard's sleeve!

Guys, meet India.

Namaste.

I'm India.

Hi. Alfie.

Teacher, leader...

legend.

India, you say?

Land of the pyramids.

I'm something of a sphinx-er myself.

Sorry, did you just say 'sphinx-er'?

OK, so I cotch for the drugs
counselling service

called Vibesline.

We're an advice pipeline

you can use to freebase
non-judgmental advice...

I'm sorry, can we lose the fat girl?

Cartel got her. Buried in the ditch.

Basically, if it's vibesing,

chillax and ride the wave.

She calls me that, too.

It's Chinese for
"leader of the blind,"

"up the great mountain of wisdom."

Sort of... roughly.

Thanks, babe. I'm here to talk to
you about the dark side of drugs.

OK, yah!
You're having a massive night!

The sun is coming up!
You are totally chunged.

But the good times are over.

Now we have to deal with
the terrible consequences

of substance abuse.

You can't find your Oyster card.
It's a long walk back to Chiswick.

(Where's Chiswick?)

You, you lost an earring your
grandmother left you in her will.

That is 45 minutes looking for it
on your hands and knees,

using your phone as a torch.

And you...

you kissed the guy who runs
the deli you go into every day.

Fraser, this is nonsense.

Nonsense?

Mmm. FYI, you're a real NEGATUDE.

Sorry, "negatude"?

"Negative attitude." It's a mashup.

Yeah, it's a mashup.

Get with the times, Marple.

That was the most pathetic thing
I've ever seen.

I actually thought India
was kinda good.

I'm talking about you.
"Teacher, leader, legend."

Oh, yeah, I forgot "visionary".
Look, I just... got into her vibe.

I know exactly
what you want to get into.

Are you jealous?
Why would I be jealous of "Ind-jah"?

You sound JELICULOUS.

"Jealous" and "ridiculous". Mashup.

You should stop doing that. You're
beginning to sound like a bit of a TWUNT.

Oh, that is so uncalled-for!

Hey!

Oh, soz, bit of a domestic?

A domestic? No, we're not a couple.

No, don't worry, I'm single.

I'm young, dumb and full of com...

...fortable silences.

Do you want to hit the canteen,
maybe?

Oh, it's pathetic.

Come on, let's go and have
a "lovely lunch",

a LUNCH...

It... it was meant to be a mashup...

It's OK. OK.

Yeah, I used to cane it pretty hard.

Things got pretty messy in Ibiza.
Which club?

Club Med. I went on the water slides
straight after lunch.

My dad went ballistic.

That was one frosty pedalo home.

My parents don't want to talk
to Miss Gulliver, sir,

they only want to talk to you.
Very sensible.

Why are you dressed
as a Scottish widow?

Because this is my last day
at Abbey Grove!

Oh, 'scuse me.

I am bothered, but I think
this girl actually likes me!

What a slut.

Everything that I love
is being torn away from me.

And I appreciate that.

It's just that you're also being
a little bit of a cock-block.

Look, I'll call your dad
as soon as lunch is over.

I promise you,
I won't let him take you away.

Come on, babes.

Yep.

OK, so that was my mate, Savannah.

Her, me, Uggie and Quinoa are going to this
totally exclusive warehouse rave tonight.

This guy called Ben Grayson
runs it...

Ben Grayson? Yeah,
his brother Frank's at this school.

Can you get us on the guest list?

Us?

What, like we're on a date?

Well... why not?

Well, yeah!
I'll give him a call now.

Oh, answerphone.

Yo, Frankenstein!

Yeah, it's Mr Wickers here,
Wicky-wicky-wickers...

Um, I was just wondering, bro,
whether there was any chance

I could just bum a couple
of ticky-boos to the old rave-age?

(Guest list.) Guest list-age?

Anyway, give me a bell back, bro.

Laters. Love you. I don't love you.

Bye.

So, if... if we go
to this rave tonight,

are you going to take anything,
to like, you know, help you through?

Yeah. Well, I mean, if we're going to
be dancing until the break of dawn,

I will probably need to take
my supportive insoles.

No, no.

(Drugs.)

But I thought you were clean?

Only 9-5.

If you get me on the guest list,
things could get messy.

Oh, they're going to get messy.

I'll probably cover myself in... shit.

My sister, Mortadella,
took this legal high, right,

which made her think
she could freeze time

and lick it like a lolly.

Sure, that's, erm...

...dirty...

Viennetta.

It's like getting a hand-job
off Aslan.

Can you get some for tonight?
Hell, yeah.

Me, you, Havana,

Ugly and Cous Cous are going
to get absolutely mashed.

Is that Frank? Amazing!

Yo! What's up, motherlover?

I cannot wait to get into yo' club,

bang some drugs, shake my...

jugs.

Oh...

Mr Carmichael.

Er, no, Stephen did not mention that
you were going to call me directly.

(I'll be a sec.)
I'm so sorry about that...

Yo, what's happening?

Did you, er, get my message
about the guest list?

20 quid a bloke. Women go free.

Well, it's, er, me
and my sexy date, so...

Well, that's 40 quid, then.

Yep. My date's a woman.

If I give you 40 quid,
it's in no way a confession.

Also, er, my date wants to try
a certain thing tonight...

Well, make sure
he knows the safe word.

And I've heard you don't want
to pull it out too quickly.

I'm talking about drugs.

Apparently, this drug makes you
think that time is an ice cream?

Yeah. 50 quid a scoop.

Done.

Did you just ask me
to buy you drugs?

Yeah, well, obviously.

Oh, God.

You're blackmailing me, aren't you?
Mmm. Yeah.

What do you mean,
none of you sell drugs?

All I can say is that I am very,
very disappointed in you.

Why do you need drugs, anyway?

Because I'm going on a date with India.
Why can't you just buy 'em yourself?

Er, because, A, I'm a teacher,

B, Grayson stole all of my money,

and, C, I made the drug up
in the first place,

so have you got any idea
how ridiculous you sound?

Sir, apparently
you spoke to my dad...?

Yeah, look, um, I'm sorry.

I'll apologise for that just as soon as I've
sorted out this one very important thing.

Sir, Stephen's dad is really just going to..
Chantelle, please. I must insist.

This is my thinking face.

That's why she didn't recognise it.

Oh, boom squared!

Do you know what face
this is Chantelle?

Is it your come...
Don't even say that.

This is my
"had a brilliant idea" face.

If I can't buy the drug,
I'm going to make the drug.

Are you mad?

Come on. Drugs must be easy
to invent. Look at meow meow.

That's fertiliser. It's just someone
getting peckish in a garden centre.

Mitchell, you must
know something about drugs?

Course I do. My brother spent
so long in a Thai prison,

he come back speaking fluent Scouse.

All right. Well, you can be
my head chef, my LS-Delia.

Now, we need someone to help
with the science aspect...

Jing? No way.

What if I told you that this counted
towards the community service element

of your Duke of Edinburgh Award?

It's either this
or wiping an old guy's ass.

Fine. Yes!

Sir, Professor Green
wants to see you.

Oh, could you tell Professor Green
to go swivel on that.

No, I didn't mean that.
No, don't tell her that!

I'll meet you in the science lab in ten minutes.
Can you come back, please?!

Is anything troubling you
at the moment, Alfred?

Hmm... No.

I saw you talking
to Mr Grayson earlier.

Money exchanging hands.

I may look like a girl of 16...

But I'm not a fool.
I was buying tickets to a rave.

Big deal.

Alfred, I, too,
have an addictive personality.

Your father...

I crave Martin Wickers.

I want to...

inhale him, snort him,

feel him racing through my veins
and exploding inside me.

I'll help you with your problem.

You help me with your father.

There is absolutely no way on earth
I would ever let my dad go out with you.

And who's Martin more likely
to believe, dear?

A deceitful, drug-addled son,

or the woman
who's trying so hard to help?

Look, you better get this
into your stupid, bunny boiling,

hobbity little head -
I don't do drugs, OK?

You're either with me,
or against me.

? We live life
on the back of this melody

? Me and my friends
spent life in plastic

? Brand-new times
and brand-new happenings

? We get up to all kind of antics

? There's another one
That's classic

? That's classic That's classic

? There's another one
That's classic

? We get up to all kind of antics

? There's another one
That's classic

♪ What you saying♪ Check
That's classic. ♪

Oh, it smells disgusting!

She's never going to swallow that.

I could lower the pH down by
neutralising the carbon substrate.

I've got a better idea.

Behold!

Dirty Viennetta!

Why do I bother?

Alfie, it stinks in here.
What is that?

This, my old friend,
is the new legal high,

that all the kids are talking about.

Please tell me you are not
cooking drugs with children?

Oh, God, here we go again.

Throwing the rule book at me.
What is it this time?

Page 20,000, rule 3 million,
subsection B,

"Do not involve the children
in the production of narcotics"?

Do you realise how
irresponsible you're being?

Babe, you really need to chill out.

Maybe you should take a leaf
out of India's book.

OK, and what book is that?
Fifty Shades Of Bitch?

The Great Twatsby?

The... The Unbearable
Lightness Of Being A...

Cod-Bohemian Dipshit?

OK, obviously the last of those
is not a real book.

Is it?

Alfie, you, you have done some
crazy stuff in your time..

Yeah, like falling in...

fond with you.

Alfie, in the classroom
just be a teacher, yeah?

And with women,
just... just be yourself.

Be myself? Yeah.

Great, so you're so jealous
that you want me to die a virgin?

Right, Mitchell,
I can sense you sniggering.

Room for a little one, Mr Fraser?

Ah! No Mr Fraser here.

I'm Kurt Co-bear,
the anti-drugs bear!

Bear? They didn't have
any more bear costumes.

So you're... I'm... Kurt Co-bear,
the anti-drugs prawn!

Conducting a drugs amnesty.

♪ Under the sea... ♪

I'm here on rather
pressing business.

There's a young teacher at Abbey
Grove who has become the victim

of a craven drug addiction.

If you're talking about me,
I've only taken drugs once

and the ending was not a happy one.

I was weather-guarding
some suede slacks

when I took in a lung-full of fumes.

I was completely off my head
and thought I could fly.

It was an absolute disaster.

I forgot my passport, then I
freaked out on the Gatwick Express.

I wish I'd weather-guarded
the inside of those slacks.

I see I must act alone.

Goodbye, Mr Fraser.

I'll be seein' ya.

Alfie, this drug stuff
has gone too far.

Oh, are you going to tell me this is
the most stupid thing I've ever done?

Well, apart from when you bet your laptop
that Jason Statham would win that Oscar.

Have you SEEN Transporter 3?

Look, Alfie, Miss Gulliver's right.

OK, you've got a lot
of great qualities,

and if someone can't see that, then
they probably don't deserve you.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

What great qualities?

Well, you can speak Elvish.

Just "Where's the toilet?"
"Can I have some tap water?"

It's barely restaurant Elf.

Well, I'm impressed.

So, what, you mean India might
like me for who I actually am?

That I don't need to do this?

Hey, Albert, you want to hit up
some chamomile tea?

Do I? You're teaching us history.

Yeah, that's right. We're learning about the build-up
of hostilities prior to the First World War.

Downton Abbey
Series One's on my desk.

Shall we?

One Shitty Cornetto.

Dirty Viennetta?

Damn straight.

Jesus! That honks, man.

Yeah, I'm not sure.

How do we know if it's safe...?

Safe? Babe, I've been scooping
this shit all day long.

Oh, get in my face.

Right. Look, Albert... Alfie.

I'm not sure about this shit.

Babe, we're going to have
such a sick night.

Just got to ride the wave, man.

You're just too wild, bro.

Let's just drop it like it's hot.

HE VOMITS Oh, shit, man!

I'm sorry. You chundered
on my vintage. Not cool.

"Sick" and "vintage",

SINTAGE. It's a mashup.

Oh, my God.

Am I wearing
a really tight little hat?

MUSIC: "I Feel Free" by Cream

? Feel when I dance with you

? We move like the sea

? You

? You're all I want to know

♪ I feel free... ♪

? Under the sea
Under the sea

? Darling it's better

? Down where it's wetter

♪ Under the sea... ♪

Oh, my God...

I'm a mermaid!

Alfie! There's a giant prawn...

I spoke to him
in his own fishy language.

Alfie, you might want to
come from under there...

Who's Alfie? My name is Ariel.

Officers, this is Mr Wickers.

I'd begun to wonder
where you'd got to.

Thank you for covering for me.

OK, kids, who can tell me why
Lady Sibyl defied her father

and eloped with an Irishman?

"Begorrah, to be sure,"

"I used to be a chauffeur
but now I am a class traitor."

♪ Diddly dee dee dee dee dee ♪

Who trained this dog
to walk underwater?

It must be the work of this hag,
Ursula, the sea witch!

Alfie, put the scissors down. Ow!

I need to look sexy for Prince Eric.

Alfie... Shush, Flounder.

Please, sir, not the bra.
My parents are coming. Is he OK?

No, I don't think he is.
I think he's on drugs!

I've got to get Miss Gulliver!

Stephen, you need to help me
with my hair.

Prince Eric prefers me
when I'm auburn.

Sir, stop it!

And after Maria slew
the Cordoba brothers,

she vowed never again
to use her anus

as a receptacle.

Miss Gulliver, you've got to help!

Joe, I'm teaching a class here.

Mr Wickers is going mad, Miss.

I think he's eaten
a Dirty Viennetta.

Mr Wickers must learn
how to look after himself.

But Pro Green's in there, Miss,
and the police!

He'll lose his job.
He could go to prison.

You know what, Joe? Maybe
prison's the best place for him.

This whole thing with India,
it's not about her.

It's about proving that he's over
you, when he obviously isn't.

You know,
after you two kissed last term

he told us that he had an erection that
lasted for six hours and 23 minutes.

And do you know what?
He didn't even...

deal with it, cos he thought
it would cheapen the moment.

Plus, he refused to tell us
what your boobs felt like

even though you were right up on him...
All right, enough! Come on, let's go.

? Under the sea
? Under the sea

♪ Under the sea. ♪

Come on, Alfie. Smile for Daddy.

Why are you photographing him?

To prove this lost little boy
needs a mother.

Now, I think we should take
a urine sample.

Officers? I want a full
toxicology report.

No, Ursula! I don't want your potion.

Uh-oh.

Prince Eric! You've come
to save me from my captors.

Lord Trident forbids our union,
but it feels so right.

What on earth's going on?! Mum,
Dad, this isn't what it looks like.

HE GASPS My bra!

Nobody peek at my mer-bosoms!

We're leaving, Stephen.
No, Stephen! Please, sir!

I don't want to leave my friends!
Calm down, Princess Ariel!

But how can I be calm

when I'm going out with
such a sexy little starfish?

We will conquer your demons

and restore peace
to your watery kingdom,

if you just sit down on that bit of
coral and stop what you're doing.

Mr and Mrs Carmichael,
officers, Professor Green,

erm, I hope you've enjoyed
this role-play,

a radical educational tool
pioneered by drug charity Vibesline.

Role-play? Mmm. The man's mad!

Yes, yes, Mr Wickers is ACTING
like a pathetic, grotesque,

utterly irresponsible little man.

But those are the consequences
of drug abuse.

Well, it's very realistic.

Mmm, and who in this class
would ever touch a drug

after this performance?

I mean, obviously,
if, if Alfie WAS high,

then the deputy head would have to
fire him, and call the police

and explain to his father how
she ruined his son's life for ever.

So it's a good thing that
Alfie's acting. Right, Celia?

The wonderful thing about
Mr Wickers is his commitment.

Whatever it takes to engage
these pupils.

I'm so happy here, Dad.
Please, let me stay?

Oh, come on, Richard, please?

OK, I'll think about it.

P-A-R-T-Y without me?

How very SHELLFISH of you.

Ooh, prawns and pigs, eh?

It's a good job
you're not Jewish, Officer...

Finklestein.

Ursula, call off your sea dogs
and let my prawn swim free!

Argh!

Show's over, Alfie.

Why didn't you want to come
and swim with me?

The water's so lovely and warm.

Oh, my God.

Sir pissed himself!

Dad? What are you doing in here?

STRAINED: Oh... Hello, Alfie.

Just having a little sit down.

Can I see you in the car?

Oh, God! Dad!

Oh!