Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 4, Episode 6 - Crowning Moments - full transcript

Previously onAwkward...

On our right,
we have the English Department.

Do you want to get out of here?

We've been texting
each other every day.

She's really cool.

It's just a little catfishing.

It's totally no big deal.

I'm sorry to bother you,
but I know you've been

avoiding me,
and I'm just wondering why.

I'm adopted!

In the three weeks since
my college overnight,



my one-night stand
had blossomed into

three weekends of awesome.

Luke was perfect.

He was an adult.

I liked the person I became
when we were together.

I was Jenna 2.0, a better,
more evolved version

of the girl I'd been...

_

almost.

Hey, a couple of my friends
are planning a road trip

to see Arctic Monkeys
in November.

You want in?

Right.
Parents.

I keep forgetting
you don't actually go here.



I'm guessing Arctic Monkeys
are a no go.

What? Why?

I love the Arctic Monkeys.

Your parents would seriously
let you drive to Arizona

with four college guys
in a van?

My parents are super laid back.

They don't even like me
to call them mom and dad.

They treat me more like
a best friend than a child.

Well, I'll count you in.

Hello.

Who is this?

Oh. Hi.

Yeah, sure.

Jenna, it's dad.

Hey, Kev.

How'd you get Luke's number?

I called the dorm
and threatened to have him

arrested for kidnapping
if they didn't hand it over.

What?
Are you insane?

No, I'm a parent,
and you're a child,

one who is 45 minutes
past her curfew.

Get home now.

Oh, and Jenna, one more thing.
Plan on a long night.

Your room's a real pigsty.

Dating a college guy
made it harder

to get into high school stuff,

some of which I hated
in the first place,

like being cheer bitch,
but sadly,

while my heart was in college,

my head was stuck
in high school,

and my face was
target practice.

Come on, Matty!

No guts, no glory, son!

Let's go!

Dude, the Maryland scout's
watching you like a hawk.

That last goal was insane, man.

- No pressure, no diamonds.
- Okay!

Our son set the record
for most shots on goal

his sophomore year.

Yep, you told me that.

We've only got five
spots on our fall roster,

but he's definitely
a strong candidate.

All right, he's a McKibben!

So are they back
together or what?

No, they hate each other,
but they have to put on

a united front because
they're McKibbens.

All right, Matty!

Make us proud!

Come on, Matty!

Come on!

Go, go, go!

Aw!

Damn it!

Go, go, go!

Get in there and do your job!

The Mr. PHHS Pageant
is in five days,

and you still haven't
printed the program,

finalized the sets,
or talked lighting

with Theo and Cole.

I need rage management to cope
with your stage management.

T, it's a fake male
beauty pageant, not Broadway.

Relax.
I'm on it.

The only thing
you're on is Cloud 69.

Need I remind you
that this is a major application

augmentation for you?

- What was that?
- What was what?

I should go change.

You know how sweats
make me sweat.

You said you were done
catfishing.

I am!

Almost.

It's just...

Jake booty-texted me.

Tamara-me, not Autumn-me.

Well, technically,
he booty-texted both of us,

but the point is,
Jakara is back on track

to being the PHHSPC again.

The PHHS Power Couple.

Pause.
Rewind.

Are you saying you want to
get back together with Jake?

No!

Yes?
Maybe.

So ditch the online persona
and tell him the truth.

I will.

As soon as Autumn convinces
Jake that Tamara has his heart

this catfish is fried.

That was a tough game.

I can't believe the scout
bailed before halftime, man.

What are you so happy about?

Autumn.

Things are getting intense.
I'm really into her.

You've never even met her!

She's probably a 45-year-old
sex offender named Ralph.

No way.
You can't fake that body.

If she wants you to wire money
to her Nigerian uncle, bail.

Mommy, did you see
my basket catch?

Humility, Lissa.

Oh, look at the time!

Tyler and I have a million
things to do.

Bible study,

shopping for Mr. PHHS clothes--

So Sadie can take you home,
right?

I don't have a car,
and my guardian is a skankaholic

with a prescription
pill problem.

Okay, great.
Thanks, hon.

Bye, sis.
Thanks for the cheer.

Bye, babies.

Get over it, Lissa.

The basket catch
wasn't that good.

It's not that.

Ever since we adopted Tyler,
he's all my mom cares about.

Now everything's all about
Mr. PHHS

just because Tyler's in it.

Maybe I should compete
so she remembers I'm alive.

Are you too busy
with cheer captain

to study your SAT words, Lissa?

"Mister" means people
with penises.

But I'm the one
with pageant experience.

I could coach Tyler!

Mr. PHHS isn't
a real beauty pageant.

It's a popularity contest.

Brian Woods won last year
for shotgunning a soda.

I could take any loser
in this school,

and beat you and Mufasa.

I told you, we call him Tyler,
and you could not!

Winning any pageant takes
way more than popularity.

Want to bet?

Loser gives up 40 bucks,
plus their honor,

dignity, and self-esteem.

Go ahead.

Pick any guy.

Him!

- Oh!
- Go ahead.

After you.

Uh, have you picked a talent
for Mr. PHHS yet?

Well, we know it's not soccer.

Yeah, your parents seemed
pretty intense.

Yeah, that's one word for it.

So I hear you're into
older guys now.

What?
No!

It's cool, if you're happy.

We're gonna be in college soon.

You might as well
get a jump on it.

Hey.

Hey.
Why is campus so far?

I'm having severe
separation anxiety.

Me, too, and I'm living
off five-dollar foot-longs.

It saves me a ton of cash,

which is going right into
the gas fund,

so I can come see you.

Speaking of which, Saturday
is going to be awesome.

Snuggle down with some cocoa
and watch Evil Dead.

I can't.

I'm stuck in PV this weekend,

stage managing a play.

Well, I'll come down,
see you in action.

Thus far, all of the action
between us

had taken place in the privacy
of Luke's dorm room.

Our relationship existed
in totally separate worlds,

and I liked it that way.

It's just some stupid
high school thing.

So not worth the drive.

Well, then I guess
we'll have to come up with ways

to make the distance
less painful.

Sweetie?

Wow!

I had no idea it took
12 years to paint

the Mona Lisa's smile.

Neat!

Is that Luke?
Hi, Luke!

Bye!
He has to study.

We would love to see you again.

Are you coming to
Jenna's pageant?

- Mom!
- Pageant?

Mr. PHHS.

It's this goofy little pageant
for the senior boys.

Jenna's dad was Mr. PHHS.

Ah, I see.

- It's lame.
- I'd love to come.

Great!

Come by, and we'll
all go together.

No, no, no, you don't have to.

- It's-- really--
- Sounds awesome.

Yay!

We'll see you on
Saturday, Luke.

My relationship with Luke
may have existed

in a separate world,
but apparently

the planets
were about to collide.

San Diego is so far away
from Australia.

I get so lonely.

Aw...

Well, San Diego is close
to Palos Verdes.

So close it's-- close.

You know,

I feel like I can tell you
anything, Autumn.

Oh, me, too.

Oy, that's my oldies
calling from the Outback.

Bye, schmoops!

Bye, boops.

OMG.

Jake just invited Autumn
to watch him in Mr. PHHS.

Great.

When Autumn doesn't show up,

Jake can finally move on,

and you can go back to
acting like a sane person.

Well, sane for you.

Autumn would never
flake on Jake.

She'll show, but have an
unfortch ditch-sitch

due to a bad shrimp taco,

and instead of being all
"Hey, hunk-show,"

she'll be all,
"Hey, chunk-show,"

and she'll miss
the whole enchilada.

It's lumpy, hairy, misshapen.

I just want to biopsy
the entire thing

and throw it in a biohazard bin.

No.

I can work with this.

Drop trou.

Save me.

Oh, I won't ever
get in the way of my woman

when she's trying to win a bet.

You're a smart man, Austin.

Your posture's okay,
but you need more glide,

and you still need a talent.

What can you do besides
live on a dollar a day?

I was the chancellor
of the debate team

at my boarding school.

Have you ever
seenDirty Dancing?

Pageant prep was in high gear,

and all I could think about
was how this would look to Luke,

like a high school freak show.

Would he ever be able
to see me as a sophisticated,

sexy girl again?

Hang tight, gents.

L-dog, A-train,

thank you for volunteering
to decorate.

Those uptight PTA moms
bailed when I refused

to ban the swimsuit competition.

All right, I got to go get
this soul train back on track.

Return to formation, boys!

You were Mr. PHHS.

Go help.

What?

That was 17 years ago.

How could I possibly remember
a silly dance routine?

Right.

Hot coals, hot coals--

Mind if I give it a shot?

Fine, be my guest.

These boys have no bump
in their grinds.

All right.
Let's do this.

Music!

All right,
now let's turn up the heat

and show them some
sizzling steak!

Not bad.

Hey.

Sorry to bug,
but have you picked a talent?

Yeah, I was thinking
maybe stand-up.

If it tanks, I can always fall
back on my Magic Mike stuff.

Stand-up?

That's more daring
than stripping.

Can't wait.

Why are you doing
stand-up?

You're an athlete,
not a performer.

You're going to
embarrass yourself.

Mom, this whole
Mr. PHHS thing is a joke,

I'm not trying to win.

Then why are you doing it?

Why are you so worried
about what I'm doing?

Because I'm your mother.

Yeah.

Luke was due to arrive
any minute,

but I had a foolproof plan.

Hustle my parents out the door

and insist on taking
separate cars.

What could go wrong?

Damn, lil' bitch.

You look like a sister wife.

Mom, what is she doing here?

Carpooling with us.

You know she can't drive
after 4:00 PM.

Hey.

Oh!

- What are you wearing, dad?
- What?

Honey, take it off.

You're gonna embarrass Jenna.

It's too late.

I'm not taking this off.

I think you're gonna
take it off.

- No, I'm not.
- Huh?

Oh!

Hey, Luke.
Welcome.

Hello, sir.

Luke had come to meet
the adults in my life.

Unfortunately,
I was surrounded by children.

Welcome to the 28th Annual
Mr. PHHS Pageant!

I'm your MC, Tamara Kaplan.

I hope there's a dentist
in the house,

because you're about to meet
some major man candy!

Kyle, mess this up
and I will make sure that

you never pop that
pathetic man-cherry,

even when you're 45
and some crazy cat lady

is feeling horny, sad,
and desperate.

Did someone call me?

Our first contestant
in formal wear is Kyle Cohen.

Kyle has a passion
for staying indoors,

tweezers,
and smelling dead things.

Woo-hoo!
Hottie!

Show us some skin!

Tame down your Simon cowlicks
because we've got

your PHHS idols.

Next up is our
talent competition.

♪ you're so cute
I want to wear you like a suit ♪

♪ I think you'd look
pretty good on me ♪

♪ you don't care, I don't care,
right ♪

♪ I want to drape you
across my shoulders ♪

♪ want you close to the bone ♪

♪ listen for me ♪

♪ I'm falling for Autumn ♪

♪ and I cannot miss
a single day ♪

♪ of Autumn ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

next up,
Charles Tucker juggles.

Hello?

Hey, Autumn,
did you hear my song?

I loved it.

I'd come congratulate you,
but I'm not feeling very well.

Jake, could you hold on a sec?

What?

I have to go deal with
a self-tanner accident

in the dressing room.

Please tell Theo
no more strobe!

Got it.
No more strobe.

Autumn?

Jake, could you
hold on just a tic?

Theo, kill the strobe!

The whole crowd's
gonna have a seizure.

Really?
Promise?

Tamara?

Sorry, there's a loud ginger
at the sink next to me.

It's you.

Jake, no!

Hello, everyone.

I am your MC, Glamour.

All right, moving right along,

doing some raucous stand-up,

Matty McK-K-Kibben!

Hey, folks!

I am Matty McKibben.

Thank you.

As a senior, I'm approaching
my college apps

the same way I approach
a first date.

I put on a nice shirt,

I talk about how awesome I am,

and I drop 80 bucks
just to get brutally rejected.

Jake, wait!

Move.

Jake, just let me explain.

What could you possibly say,

other than you're
totally insane?

You said you could say
anything to me.

You said you've never felt
so close to anyone.

I said that stuff to Autumn!

And I'm Autumn!

Did you not understand what
it meant when I dumped you?

It's over, Tamara.

Yeah, turning 18,

it comes with a lot of
responsibility, it does.

It is now our civic duty
to vote,

fight for our country,

download porn without
faking our date of birth.

Oh, hey, mom?

What?

You didn't think
that was funny?

Well, you know what is funny?

Huh?

Being told your whole life
to act like a McKibben,

and then finding out
you're not one!

Whoo!

My parents made me wonder
for 18 years

if I would ever measure up
to my gene pool,

but you know what?

It turns out I don't have
a clue whose genes I've got.

That is fucking hilarious!

Matty, stop.

Hi, Jenna.

- Stop.
- Jenna Hamilton.

Hey there, Jenna.

Come here.

Jenna Hamilton.
Ain't she pretty?

Thank you. Hey.

Oh, yeah, do you remember
when you went on birth control

and my parents
called you a slut?

Oh!

That was good times, yeah,

or how about the time
when they kicked me out,

and you couldn't take a dump
for a week

because I was sharing
your bathroom?

That was a--

a gas!

How am I doing, mom?

Show us your balls!

Matty--

Jenna, I didn't mean to--

It's okay, Matty.
It's okay.

I'm sorry.

I am so--
I'm so sorry.

With Matty's dirty secret
finally out in the open,

my high school drama
had taken center stage...

and it turns out that Luke
couldn't handle the show.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are down to just
three finalists,

one of whom will claim
the coveted Mr. PHHS crown.

Kyle Cohen, Tyler Miller,

and Jake Rosati!

Jake Rosati?

Last call for Jake--

Okay, in the meantime,
one final question.

Tyler, what is your most
cherished dream?

My dream is to be able to use
my recent blessings

to get an education
to enable me

to devote my life to ending
misery and suffering everywhere.

Ugh!

Could he be any more cliche?

Well, I believe he's sincere.

Whatever.
Get over it!

Kyle, for the crown.

Last night I had a dream
I was eating sushi,

and when I asked what
kind of fish was in it,

the waiter said it was
human flesh,

and I liked it.

It tasted like ficken,
you know, like chicken-fish,

and when I woke up,
the bed was wet.

And the winner is...

Tyler Miller!

As much as I'd wanted
to convince myself

that I was Jenna 2.0,

the truth was
I was still just Jenna.

Hi.

Listen, I'm sorry I didn't
tell you about the pageant,

but this is why
I didn't want you to come,

because I'm still
in high school,

and I have
embarrassing parents,

and a ridiculous amount
of ex-boyfriend drama,

and if you can't handle
that, that's fine--

- Jenna,

I didn't leave the pageant
because I couldn't deal.

Yeah, right.

I left because what happened
to you up there

was kind of rough,

and I thought maybe
you could use some cheering up.

Pumpkin spice, your favorite.

Wait.

I don't even know what to say.

I haven't been out of
high school that long.

I haven't forgotten the drama,

and I wasn't nearly cool enough
to stage manage

a male beauty pageant.

So you're not scared off?

You're going to have to
try a lot harder than that.

I'm not going anywhere.

I like you, Jenna Hamilton.

A lot.