Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 4, Episode 5 - Overnight - full transcript

It was my first college
overnight visit,

and I had reinvention
on my mind.

College was the end
of Jenna Hamilton, that girl,

and the birth
of Jenna Hamilton, it girl.

I could see myself now,
attending literary events,

talking books with cute boys,

bantering over coffee.

But first, I had to
ace my interview and get in.

Man, this place is
full of memories--

kegs and eggs,
frisbee games in the quad,

chili-cheese monster burgers.



Best four years of my life...

except for every year
that I've spent with you.

Uh-huh.

Okay, what time
is your interview?

9:30 tomorrow morning.

Ding! Ding!
Correct.

Mine's at 9:00.

So we'll wake up at 8:00,

do one last run through
our answers,

get max caffed,

and show up ten minutes early

to show that we have minds
for business

even if we also have bods
for sin.

- "Bods"?
- Jenna.



Now is no time
for distraction action.

Ask me one of the questions.

"What do you think
you can bring to the school?"

Talent, ambition, mindfulness,

ability, reflection,
and acronyms.

Tamara.

What about you?

I think my writing skills
would be an asset,

as well as my
leadership qualities--

Ugh, they snooze, you lose,

and that answer may as well
have been an Ambien.

You need to get
your shit together.

If we don't get
into the same college,

we can't be roommates,

and then it's
the end of Jennara,

and then it is
murder-suicide time,

and you know I'm gonna have to
do all the work on that one.

Oh, Lace, look.

Over there, we had this party

Columbus Day weekend
sophomore year.

It got crazy.

"O" to the "M"
to the "F" to the "G."

This place is like
a Pinterest board

full of bangable dudes
just come to life.

Pin. Pin. Pin. Pin.

Now who's succumbing
to distraction action?

You're right.
We need to go horsey style.

Focus on the task at hand.

Come on.

Not so fast.

I brought a special gift
to help you fit in, huh?

Now you'll be the spitting image
of your old man.

I'm not sure
that's a good thing.

Great.

I'd gone from
hot incoming freshman

to large-sized linebacker
in 10 seconds flat.

This was the hottest guy
I'd ever seen.

He made young Leonardo Dicaprio

look like
old Leonardo Dicaprio.

Pin.

Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin,
pin, pin, pin, pin.

Hey, want to go
to a party tonight?

Sorry.
Invite only.

It's not that I don't love

hearing you sing off-key
to imagine dragons,

but any idea when you're gonna
have your car again?

♪ Probably two months
from never ♪

My parents are so pissed
I totaled my car.

Yeah, it was pretty
stupid of us.

We were having fun, man.
Fuck them.

[Laughs]

Dude, what is your deal?

Every day, you're, like,
two seconds away

from going beast mode.

Nothing.

Matthew, what's wrong?

What is that, your Oprah face?

Ugh.
All right, fine.

I'm--

[Cell phone vibrates]
Hold that thought.

Oh, sorry.
I thought it might be Autumn.

We've been texting each other
every day.

She's really cool.

Look at these classes--

"Women's studies 113.

From Cleopatra
to Angelina Jolie.

Power bitches through the ages."

This is the perfect school
for me.

While Tamara was obsessing
about the course catalog,

I was cataloguing
my insecurities.

This place seemed awesome,
but could I really get in?

Okay, next stop on our tour.

Every time one of my bros
passed a final,

we'd streak through this quad
and then jump in that fountain.

I puked in those bushes
and those ones...

- oh, and those ones right there--
- We get it, Kevin.

You went to college.

On our right,
we have the English Department.

Do we have any writers
in the group?

Cool.
What do you like to write?

Oh, I'm not the writer,
but my daughter is.

I know, I know.

How can I be old enough
to have a 17-year-old?

But I was young and dumb,

and you know it just takes
one time without a condom.

Okay.

Well...

- Jenna.
- Jenna.

A lot of great writers
have gone here.

Who are your favorite authors?

I know this.

I know this.

I'm a writer.

Of course I know
my favorite authors.

So why was Garfield
the only word I could think of?

He's not even an author.
He's a cat.

Oh, God.

Of course, writers
are always the silent type.

Straight ahead,
you'll see the student union.

You're going to get
through this.

I called you in here
because I'm concerned.

You've been distant.

You're skipping school.
You quit your job.

I've seen these signs before.

You don't know who you are.

You're questioning everything

you thought you knew
about yourself.

You're gay.

What?

- No. No, I'm not.
- It's okay, sweetheart.

You don't have to pretend.

I mean, why else would you work
at Preston & Boone?

That was just a job.

Okay, and2 Boys, 1 Butt
is just a movie.

Look, it gets better.

This is an amazing time
to be gay.

Just look at that Ellen lady.

Just be careful.

A cupcake like you could get
eaten alive out there.

Again, uh, not gay.

Of course not.

Let's talk Anderson Cooper.

Well, that's the end
of the tour.

For those of you
staying overnight,

your hosts are waiting
over there to meet you.

After my tour de humiliation,

all I wanted to do
was never see Luke again.

But if I wanted to prove myself
worthy of admission,

I needed to face my fears,

even if I did need
a boost of confidence first.

It was time to break the ice.

Luke...

William Faulkner, Joan Didion,

and I'm not ashamed to say

that I have read everything
by VC Andrews.

Nice high-low blend.

- A woman after my own heart.
- Really?

I feel like you have
an entire bookshelf

full of Murakami
and Martin Amis.

Sure, on the top shelf.

Once you get to the bottom,

there's an awful lot
of Dan Brown.

We are going to be
totally Baskin Robbins tonight.

- 31 flavors of fun?
- Duh.

Oh, my God,
come to the party tonight

my sorority's co-hosting
with the Lambda Delta Rho boys.

The theme is tight and bright.

That's my favorite look.

I'm the president.

Oh, my God,
I'm a president too.

[Gasps]

Hey, you should stop by

this fund-raiser tonight.

The literacy center--

my band AC/VC Andrews
is playing.

Can't resist a good pun.

- I'll try to make it.
- Do that.

Hey, shouldn't you be
at cheer practice?

Not unless I want to ralph!

Have you seen Lissa's face
when she calls out cheers?

Barf City.

And I can't even bone
my sorrows away,

because Austin's away

at some dumbass robotics
competition all weekend.

Life sucks.

Tell me about it.

Autumn hasn't responded
to my texts all day.

Usually we're
in constant contact.

This hard to get...

- it's driving me crazy.
- That is it.

No more wallowing.
Let's do something fun tonight.

My mom's out of town.
Why don't you guys come over?

- I thought you were grounded.
- Who's leaving the house?

I'm in.

When's the last time
the three of us hung out?

- Awesome, okay.
Come over around 9:00?

You guys having a party?
I can bring the booze.

I have this huge stash
of Cristal left over

from when I was dating
this dumb wannabe rapper.

We can get our own alcohol.
Thanks.

No, Eva, you should come.

Really?
I don't want to intrude.

- I'm so sure.
- We'd love it.

- Awesome. I'll see you then.
- Okay.

Why did you do that?

That girl is
a straight-up creeper.

She's always
up in everyone's business.

Who's a creeper?
Who's up in everyone's business?

I know you wanted to go
to that fund-raiser,

but that idea gives me a sad.

Anyway, we have to
start thinking

what sorority
we want to pledge,

because we do not
want to be Greek Geeks.

Maybe T had a point.

This was our first
college party--

drinking wine, boys in blazers,

smart conversations
about politics

and art with a capital A,
and--

Hey, everybody,
Edward Fortyhands!

Whoo!

My dreams
of collegiate sophistication

had been popped like so many
bottles of off-brand vodka,

which, along with watery beer,

was all there was to drink
at this party.

But really, being a Kaps Gams
is all about traditions--

you know, pancake breakfasts,
formals, matching tattoos.

I mean, like,
isn't it all to die for.

Death has never sounded
so good.

Your sorority is amaze-tits.

Vodka plus girl talk
plus communal closet

equals happy Tamara.

Oh, my God, you have to rush
Kappa Gamma.

You are, like,
the perfect sister.

I'm gonna go
to the literacy fund-raiser.

Oh.

Okay, I'll come with you.

No, no, that's okay.

You're having fun here.
Stay.

Are you sure?

Yes.

In high school,

Tamara and I were always
on the same page.

Even if we get
into the same school,

was this the end of Jennara?

Ooh!

Pour me a shot.

Seriously,
why hasn't Autumn texted yet?

Do you think
she's with another guy?

I've got to 'gram this.

Anyway, that's the last time
I partied at Butter.

- That was an amazing story.
- Yeah.

So amazing I think it
was just actually

a retold episode
of Gossip Girl.

That show is really
true to life.

I guess if you've never
been to New York,

it'd be kind of hard
to believe,

but for us New Yorkers,
it actually seemed kind of tame.

No, you're not tame.

You're a wild man.
I can tell.

- Oh, yeah?
- For sure.

Oh, yeah.
Wild old Matty McKitten.

[Laughter]

McKitten.

Oh, my-- I totally forgot
about that.

- Rawr!
- [Hisses]

What's McKitten?

Inside joke.

You know what's crazy

is that there's a hot tub
right there

and we're not all in it.

Yes!
Hot tub.

Great.
Sadie?

I would,
but I don't have my suit.

Who needs one?

Okay.

Oh, wow.

Sadie, I totally understand
if you don't feel comfortable.

Why wouldn't I?

Damn, Sadie.

That's what I love
about the south of France.

Everyone's topless.

They're not prudes
like Americans.

Sadie, I really admire
how comfortable you are

with your body.

- You're so brave.
- I'm not brave.

I have amazing tits,

unlike you
and your sad floppers.

Hey, you made it.

Wouldn't miss AC/VC Andrews.

Totally.

Wait. You know
that was a joke, right?

Yeah, yeah.

But you're totally missing out

on an opportunity for a song
called For Those About To Read.

You Read Me All Night Long.

Highway To The Attic.

That one--
that one was a stretch.

Hey, uh, I'll be right back.

Uh-oh. Was it my pun
that sent Luke running,

or was he just distracted
by a shinier object?

Ugh, were college guys
just varsity high-school boys?

[Applause]

Growing up, my mom had
to work multiple jobs

just to keep the lights on,

and there wasn't
a lot of spare time

to help me learn how to read.

Programs like this helped me
learn to love books,

and I am so proud
to be passing it on

to the next generation,

along with my love of bad puns.

Watching Luke speak eloquently,

I couldn't believe
how sexy a speech could be.

College guys weren't
varsity high-school boys.

College guys were
a whole different ball game.

How was that
double monster burger?

Great.

[Groans]
I think I need to lie down.

So where are we going next?

That tiki bar on Main Street
looked fun.

Ooh, maybe dancing.

Hmm.

Kevin.

Kevin!

Oh, I got to pass.

I'm in the Magic Zone,

and I do not want to hit
Hangover City-- population, T.

Or worse,
cruise into the Yak Zone.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It's totally fine.

The trick is to keep a tally
of how many you drink.

Here.

[Both giggle]

Ooh, sorry.

[Both gasp]

Oh, my God, Mrs. Hamil--

Shh!

That's the best part
about college.

You get exposed
to all these cool people,

like pretty girls
with killer taste in books.

Do you want to get out of here?

I absolutely do.

[Drum roll]

[All cheer]

- We should do more shots.
- You got it.

Boop!

To new friends.

Oh, party foul.

Okay.

Time for bed for you.

Sadie, I can put him to bed.

I'm sure you'd love the chance,

but you've done enough.

Come on, Matty.

All right.

It's just a little catfishing.
It's totally no big deal.

Oh, my butt's buzzing.

_

Oh, bummer.

He texted Autumn
before he texted you.

But he texted me--

me, Tamara, not just Autumn.

It's time to celebrate.

[Both laugh]

I'll be right back
with some water.

Try not to puke on yourself.

_

[Sighs]
Okay.

Drink this.

Oh, not too fast.

Sadie, you are so nice to me.

You know, everyone thinks
you're so mean,

and you are,
but you are so nice to me.

- Okay, drunky.
- You are.

You're so nice,
and you are so pretty.

[Laughs]

Oh.

So pretty.

Hey, why didn't
we ever hook up?

Oh, my God.
Are you serious?

I tried.

Don't you remember passing out
that New Year's Eve?

Oh, that was dumb.

That was--
Oh, that was so dumb.

It was a big regret.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

The biggest.

- Ew!
- [Spits]

It's like kissing my sister...

[Both laugh]

which, for all I know,
you could be.

What?

I'm adopted.

- Sure, McKibben.
- No, it gets better.

My parents--
they never told me.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Do they know you know?

They lied to me my whole life,

so why should I tell them
the truth?

It just sucks.

I know.

I know.
I'm sorry.

Hey, what's a seven-letter
word for pals,

starts with a C?

Waking up
with a high-school boy,

you scramble
to pull your clothes on

and get home before curfew.

Waking up with a college boy,

coffee and crosswords.

I could get used to this.

- "Cronies."
- Ah.

You're a genius.

You're totally gonna ace
that interview.

Oh, my God.

What time is it?

8:30.

I should go.

I knew the score.

I didn't need to DTR,

because this R was already D'd.

This was a one-night thing,
and that's okay.

Hey, I'm gonna be
in Palos Verdes later this week.

I'd love to see you again.

I'd like that.

Then it's a date.

Okay, that last part was a lie.

This is way better.

[Cell phone vibrates]

[Coughs]

[Groans]

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

_

Fucking shit!

Ow, that hurt.

Really?
Walk of shame?

Aren't you a little old
for that?

Shit.
Listen, nothing happened.

- I wasn't worried about that.
- And why is that?

Because let me tell you,
I had quite a few opportunities.

Lacey, I trust you completely.

I'm just...

I'm a little disappointed.

Oh, please.
Are you parenting me?

Because ew.

We're adults, Lacey.

I'm well aware of that, Kevin.

Which means that we don't
stay out all night.

How would it look
for Jenna if--

Oh, you know what?

Shut up.

Excuse me?

You had four years
of doing this.

I never got to go to college,

and I never got to be
irresponsible,

because I was busy
raising our daughter.

So I think I deserve
one God damn night

of the college experience.

And furthermore,

I just got in
from six hours of foreplay

with some very hot
college guys,

so somebody better
finish me off,

and I mean pronto.

So, Miss Kaplan,

what do you think
you can bring to this school?

Uh...

T...

T...

Acronyms.

Tamara.

I'm not sure I understand.

What are those marks
on your arm?

These are reminders

of all the ways I would be
an asset to this school.

There are...

oh, God, 12 marks--
ways.

There are 12 ways.

And what are those ways?

Well, the first is, um...

um...

Oh, God, what is that?

Oh, that.

[Retching quietly]

It's just my Harvard diploma.

And that's when I realized

that the transformative power
of literature

is nothing without literacy.

If I'm accepted here,

I want to volunteer
at the literacy center

to pass on what I've learned
to the next generation.

That's fantastic.

I have to tell you,
Miss Hamilton.

You seem like an excellent fit.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Hey.

- How was your interview?
- Killed it.

But this school isn't that fun.

I don't think I want to go here
after all.

I think I do.

Before this weekend,

I pictured college
as high school but better--

T and I in
a permanent slumber party,

my parents
hundreds of miles away.

After this weekend,
it was clear

college wouldn't be anything
like the way I pictured it.

[Cell phone vibrates]

_

_

[Engine turning over] _

It would be even better.

Next on Awkward...

The Mr. PHHS Pageant
is in five days.

Are you coming
to Jenna's Pageant?

- Mom.
- I'd love to come.

- Ah.
- Great.

You said
you were done catfishing.

- Almost.
- Things are getting intense.

- I'm really into her.
- You've never even met her.

- Hello?
- Autumn, did you hear my song?

I loved it.

It's you.