Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 3, Episode 19 - Karmic Relief - full transcript
Jenna and her Mom fight to get Val's job back while the Chinese Mafia does some housekeeping. Prom dates are lining up while Jenna waits for the expected invite from Matty.
Previously on Awkward...
Matty, this is
my friend Bailey.
- Thank you for coming.
- So are we okay?
- Yeah.
- Hunter, huh?
She got really drunk
and threw up on herself.
That's a bummer.
I'd rather hang out
with someone else instead.
During my sanity sabbatical,
I wrote a mean essay about Val.
It's Ms. Marks.
I've been fired.
After my recent walk
on the wild side,
I had course-corrected
and was determined
to stay on the straight
and narrow.
But I had to admit,
hanging outside
a low-rent liquor store
in a sketch part of town
gave me
a crazy adrenaline rush.
Okay, Mr. Hutcherson.
- Date of birth.
- 1985.
'89.
Address.
1266... Kenilworth Avenue.
Lane.
Okay, let's give him
an easy one.
Um, Mr. Hutcherson,
where was this license issued?
At the DMV.
- State, smartass.
- Montana.
California.
Dude, you have, like,
five things to remember.
I didn't know we were
gonna have a frickin' quiz.
Okay, well,
we are really about to enjoy
that case of soda
you're about to buy.
Watch this.
- No, we can't go in yet.
- No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
- You need to have this down.
- I do.
You don't.
With a name
like Van Hutcherson,
you are asking to get busted.
This is the worst fake ID ever.
Oh, but the letterman's jacket
was a nice touch.
Shit!
I forgot to take it off.
Why don't we just get that guy
to buy us beer?
Oh.
- I think we should just bail.
- It's fine.
Nobody ever gets carded here.
Nussbaum employees
are mostly carnies or ex-cons
who either can't read
or don't care.
Can I help you?
I was just using this
as a weight.
Yeah, yeah.
You've heard of beer-lates?
What are you doing here?
Just pulling a paycheck,
eating my feelings,
watching my dreams die,
oh, getting a 45% off discount
on expired booze,
which helps me
on my quest
to drink my youth away,
which I am also doing.
Val, I am so sorry.
I wish I'd never written
that essay.
If I could take it back,
I would.
Is there anything I can do
to make it up to you?
I may be immune
to your bullets,
Jenna-dict Arnold,
but your words
put a hole in my heart.
I treated you as a friend,
as a confidante,
as a brother
from another mother,
and how do you repay me?
Do you name a star after me?
Do you send me
an edible fruit basket?
Mm-mm.
Do you offer me
my weight in Euros?
No.
You ruin my life.
It was true.
Valerie had always been there
for me,
and she didn't deserve
her bad fortune.
I was the one
who had wronged her.
I was the one
with the crappy karma.
So why wasn't I the one working
in a creepy liquor store,
eating beef jerky and red hots
to fill my empty soul?
You know what?
Actually, there is something
you can do for me.
Name it.
- Go fuck yourself.
- What?
I said, Jenna Hamilton,
go fuck yourself.
Get your prom tickets,
on sale in the junior quad
right now.
If you ain't got a date,
do like the Titans do.
Buy now, ask later.
Get your prom tickets.
Sorry about that.
- Hey, Jenna.
- Hey.
- Mr. Hutcherson.
- Class of '89.
Now you remember?
What's wrong
with this stupid locker?
It's not yours.
Why are you so out of it today?
I can't stop thinking
about Valerie.
It doesn't feel right
that my life
is on the upswing
while she's going through hell,
especially when
it's all my fault.
She did all those crazy,
really inappropriate things.
All you did was write about it.
- Let it go.
- I can't.
Did you ever think this could
be a good thing for her?
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Maybe she'll come out
the other end
with a better job or something.
You know what the say,
what doesn't kill us
makes us stronger.
I could only hope
that was true for Valerie.
But I knew it was true
for Matty and me.
We had been through so much,
and yet we're closer than ever.
Sure, we were just friends,
but my relationship
with Jake worked
because we took it slow.
Maybe it was better
for Matty and me
to start as friends
and work towards the benefits.
If you're trying
to do magic, don't.
- I hate it.
- How can anybody hate magic?
I don't know.
It creeps me.
Maybe not now, but one day,
you will learn to love magic
as much as you love me.
Doubt it.
Saved it up from putting in
electronic dog fences,
something I'm
ethically opposed to.
So this is basically
blood money,
but it was for a good cause.
Prom tickets.
Sweet, but hold on
to your cash.
- I can get them for free.
- How?
By using the good kind
of magic.
The Asian kind.
Where are my Asians at?
It's dead.
Hey, Henry?
Henry.
Hit me up later.
Mama's gotta do business.
- Stop talking like a pimp.
- Stop doing magic.
Dude, why are you ignoring me?
And how come
after I snap my fingers,
there aren't any Asians
in my face?
If there's something going on,
you have to tell me.
You owe me that.
You and I have pretended
to go through a lot together.
Coup d'etat.
What does that mean?
A coup d'etat?
Which I thought was French
for "fancy brunch"
but actually means "sudden
overthrow, often violent."
Putting the mascot head
in your locker
was seriously disturbing.
And physically impossible.
How did they get it in there?
I'm guessing it's some type
of head-shrinking technique.
By some kind of insaniac.
Do you think Becca's back?
No, they hated her
more than me.
I bet it's that asshole Isaiah.
This is my own damn fault.
I abused my power,
and now it's coming back
to bite me in the ass
or perhaps kill me.
Apparently,
everyone was feeling
the effects of karma.
Question was,
how long would it last?
I should've seen this coming.
Last week,
I lost my parking spot--
- I can't even remember
the last time
an Asian brought you a latte.
And my secret hotline's
gone cold.
See?
Fuck the what?
I had it on me this morning.
- How do they do that?
- No offense, Ming.
But you were never cut out
to be a ruthless despot.
Yeah, maybe this was
for the best.
It's not.
Once I'm ousted, they might
send me away like Becca,
or God forbid they send me
to the same place.
I should probably keep
a low pro,
stay out of the daylight.
Now, can we please talk
about what's been on my
scrawling newsreel all morning?
- And that is?
- Prom.
Jake promised to make up for
his infamous sex van disastrophy
by planning the perfect night,
which means
I need the perfect dress,
which is giving me
maj dress stress.
I'm thinking about going long
'cause I've seen a lot of maxis
on the red C.
Red carpet.
But what if Palos Hillers
are fashion behind and go mini?
Maybe I'll just stick with short
to be safe.
No.
I'll go high-low.
Problem solved.
Is Matty gonna ask you?
We've been getting along well,
but I don't expect anything.
- Why not?
- I don't wanna be let down.
I finally earned
his friendship back.
But a date to prom?
That's pushing it.
And that's a wrap on prom talk.
So prom.
Guess who got here early and
bought the first two tickets.
Mm, so far, so good.
What do you guys think
it means to ask someone to prom?
Basically like a DTR, right?
Yeah, I guess.
Maybe I had banked
enough good karma
for a prom date,
and Matty and I
were going to re-TR.
I agree,
dropping a hundie on tickets,
plus flowers, a limo,
a hotel--
- Hotel?
- Maybe a hotel?
Hotel.
You don't really do that
unless you're into somebody.
That's what I thought.
- Or you wanna get laid.
- Jake.
But that's not why I'm doing it--
I can get laid any time.
- Or never again.
- Well, no, no.
That's not what I meant.
I-I--
I just wanna make it special,
so you have a prom night
that you remember
the rest of your life.
We're skipping fifth period.
We have to pre-shop
before some skankazoid
nabs my perfect dress.
Suddenly, I had
dress stress too.
If I was going to prom
with Matty,
I had to find my perfect dress.
I know
what you're thinking about.
- What?
- Valerie.
You're still worried about her.
Very worried.
And guilty.
I had no right fantasizing
about a stupid dance
when Val was putting her life
on the line
to keep reprobates in cheap
spirits and rolling papers.
I know I told you
to just let it go,
but obviously you can't.
Do something about it.
You're right.
I can, and I will.
If I had the power
to get Valerie fired,
who was to say
I didn't have the power
to get her rehired?
Because you only know
one side of the story,
which isn't fair
because there are always
two sides to every story,
one of which is the right one.
Can you please just
for one second--
Principal Cox, are you aware
that we are living in America...
I had absolutely no idea.
Where everyone deserves
the right to be heard.
Valerie deserves the chance
to defend herself.
I was the one
who wrote that essay,
which I now admit
was mean-spirited
and totally biased.
And I think she should get
her job back,
so she should get
her job back--
Stop talking.
I can't, because I am not
gonna let you say no.
- Stop, stop it, stop it.
- No, you stop it.
Uh, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, mm, neh.
Mm.
I wasn't going to say no.
I was going to say, "Ms. Marks
is getting a hearing."
My plan was working.
I was taking action, and I
was already seeing results.
- It was scheduled
for tomorrow at 3:30.
Was scheduled?
I made the arrangements
this morning.
But thanks for eating up
20 minutes of my day
'cause I've got nothing
better to do with my time.
Hopefully, the universe
would realize
it was the thought
that counted.
Hey, it's Jenna.
I have good news.
Call me.
It's okay.
I'll just tell you now.
Principal Cox is gonna give you
a hearing.
We're gonna get your job back!
I just want my job back.
I gave 110%.
I was there early every day,
stayed late,
went above and beyond,
sometimes below.
Uh, mom?
Who are you talking to?
The universe.
Or Oprah,
if she can hear me.
What's wrong?
Now that I'm unemployed,
I don't know what to do
with myself.
I have no purpose.
Though her situation wasn't
quite as dire as Valerie's,
to my mom,
it felt just as traumatic.
And since I was already playing
Goodwill Ambassador,
I felt obligated
to help her too.
And I knew just how to do it.
Let's go shopping.
Your father cut up
my credit cards.
Why?
He doesn't approve of how much
I've spent on therapy.
Retail therapy,
which clearly isn't working.
You are so insensitive.
Can't you see that I am lost
without my nursing career?
You were a nurse for a month.
Which is longer
than you nursed Jenna.
I just miss having somewhere
to go every morning.
I miss being needed.
I miss saving lives.
- You put band-aids on people.
- Dozens.
Lace, if you really want
another job,
you'll find something else.
- Like what?
- Like, uh...
Don't think.
If you could have your dream
job, what would it be?
A Real Housewife
of Palos Verdes.
- Or a...
- Figure skater.
A contestant on Project Runway.
How about something realistic?
I don't like this game.
Okay, forget that.
What are you good at?
Gross.
That belongs to my mom,
who said I have no limit.
So I expect this to play out
like one of my fav rom-coms,
where I point to a dress
and you pull it out for me
in my size,
which you instinctively know
just by eyeballing me.
Then, while I'm changing,
you put on
some super-fem indie pop,
no emo,
and gasp in awe and clap wildly
every time I emerge
from the dressing room.
Champagne is optional.
T, you've met Bailey.
Yeah, you brought her
to Matty's party
when you thought Ming and I
were gonna wine-and-ditch you.
I hope you don't mind me
tagging along.
As long as you don't steal
my dress thunder.
That won't be a problem.
- I'm not even going to prom.
- Why not?
I'm just a loser freshman.
No one's gonna ask me.
Of course
someone's gonna ask you.
Every guy in school
thinks you put out.
That's not an insult.
We all put out.
Don't include me
in your slut parade.
Oh, right, Ming still shops
at the Virgin megastore.
So do I.
The rumors aren't true.
I may not be a slut,
but I do have
pretty good taste.
Shut it down.
I freakin' love that.
Now put it back.
What kind of bra
would I wear with this?
So no bra?
This one for you.
- What's wrong with this one?
- Out of order.
What about the rest of them?
All out of order.
Do you work here?
How else would I know
dressing rooms out of order?
What the fuck?
Good afternoon, Ming.
Who the hell are you?
Wait, are you the dick
who put the mascot head
in my locker?
I have no knowledge
of said activity.
I'm here as a neutral party.
- For what?
- For you.
And the others.
The others being the mafia?
- What do you want from me?
- Nothing.
Well, I wouldn't mind watching
you try on some dresses.
But I'll leave that
up to your discretion.
Not happening.
Then I'm here
to deliver a message.
I'm listening.
You're being called
into a meeting
at the school
to discuss the terms
of your departure
from your current position.
What if I don't wanna depart?
I can't help you with that.
- When's the meeting?
- In the dead of night.
What time is that?
Can't help you
with that either.
Thanks a lot, jerk.
Hey, don't shoot the messenger.
But feel free to flash him
your bra.
No!
Damn it.
_
♪ I've been watching you
talk to me ♪
♪ I've been eyeing... ♪
You found a dress already?
It found me.
You don't have to brag
about it.
Some of us are still shopping.
You guys don't understand.
It's happening.
The coup d'etat?
Some dude just told me
to meet them
at school in the dead of night.
I don't know when that is,
so I'm just gonna show up
around midnight and hang out.
We'll come with you.
No, I can't ask you to do that.
They might take hostages.
I'm gonna go see
if they have this in black
since there's
a pretty good chance
I'm gonna be buried in it.
Try it on.
I know you want to.
I was hoping an invite
from Matty
was on the table,
but I didn't dare jinx it.
I'm just looking.
You've at least gotta do
the lazy girl try-on.
You know,
hanger-over-the-head deal.
That's a thing?
Yeah, it is.
It's a dumb thing,
but it's a thing.
At the risk of alienating
my only friend at this school,
I really want to comment
on your status.
Go ahead.
You and Matty
have been spending
a lot of time together lately.
Why don't you guys go together?
We're just friends.
And besides, I cheated on him,
which isn't going to be
an easy thing to recover from.
I made my bed,
and now I have to lie in it.
But maybe some day, that bed
would have Matty in it again.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
We all make mistakes.
But not all of us do it
with the entire basketball team.
Ignore her.
Said one slut
to the other slut.
Sadie, isn't it hard
to window-shop
from inside the store?
- We know you're still broke.
- Not anymore, gingersmurf.
My advice to losers like you
has made me Twitter famous.
- I have sponsors.
- So you get paid to tweet?
Yep, but here's a freebie.
Unless you plan on performing
in a music video
set in Berlin Circa 1985,
I'd suggest losing the hat.
♪You'reWelcome.
Is she always that bitchy?
Oh, no.
Normally, she's much worse.
- Is it Matty?
- Matty?
Valerie, isn't that great news
about your hearing?
I never asked you
to get my job back.
I don't want it back.
When I told you to fuck off,
I meant it.
Because you are the only one
who can talk Valerie
into going to that hearing.
She needs you.
And I'm scared to go
to her house alone.
- So I need you.
- I'm needed?
Yes, because you are
such a great motivator.
Remember when you wrote me
the letter?
Okay, not that.
But remember
when you encouraged me
to stop wearing overalls
in seventh grade?
I burned them
while you were sleeping.
Yes, and while I was upset
at the time
and threatened to run away
and call child services,
you saved me from an entire year
of being ridiculed.
And what about the Christmas
you gave Lupita Spanx?
She was insulted at first.
But then she starved herself
and lost 15 pounds
in two weeks.
I do help people.
So go help Valerie.
I may have a future
as a motivational speaker
or a life coach or a top chef.
Eh-- but definitely
a life coach.
Yeah, uh...
L-dawg,
so good to see you.
You, not so much.
We just stopped by to say hi.
Well, you're not
my student anymore,
so I don't have
to be nice to you.
- May we come in?
- You can.
She can wait outside.
No!
If you're gonna come in, you
have to stay out of my sight,
and that includes
my peripheral vision.
Pop a squat
in my scrapbooking nook.
Wow.
Are those all vision boards?
Oh, yeah, and that one's
a vision board
of vision boards
I want to envision one day
if I ever dream again.
Wine?
Fresca?
Treats?
One's for cats.
One's for humans.
That's cat candy.
Where are the cats?
They're hiding
'cause of the hostile energy.
So I know you have
a hearing tomorrow...
- Pssh.
- And I think you should go.
Who was that?
After I got fired
from the liquor store,
I took in a boarder.
He looks like a criminal.
And you look like
a nice person.
Val, I'm sorry
you lost your job...
Wasn't my first time
at the unemployment rodeo.
I've lost plenty of gigs.
I've even ridden the bull
into bankruptcy.
I had my dream job.
Now, it's time to get serious
about telemarketing.
Do you think
I have a good voice for sales?
For phone sex, maybe.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Put down the cat--
put down the cats.
Give me the cat.
Mom, remember why we're here.
- Motivate.
- I can't.
She's living
with a serial killer.
- It's just too sad.
- You know what's sadder
is I don't even care
if he kills me in my sleep.
- What do I have to live for?
- Exactly.
Stop it.
You both have
a lot to live for.
Val, I think
you can get your job back.
Oh.
The job you love,
the job you were born to do.
But you have to go
to your hearing.
She's right.
You love your job,
and you should fight for it.
If I was
such a great counselor,
then why did you write
those horrible things about me?
- I was in a bad place.
- Yeah.
I was angry and probably high.
So high.
It was the weed talking.
She didn't mean it.
- I didn't.
- You're wasting your breath.
There's nothing
you can say to convince me
to go
to that dog and pony show,
unless it actually was a show
featuring dogs and ponies.
And then, I'd be front row.
You have done so much good
for so many people,
especially me.
I need you, V.
And so do the students.
I'm convinced.
Now I gotta go change
the locks.
That dude is creepy.
I'm back.
It was you.
Thanks for filling in for me.
I hear you did a fantastic job.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Ah.
Huh.
Shame on you,
Ming Fei Yen Huang.
You've run this organization
into the ground.
Not since Caligula
forced his soldiers
to pick up seashells
during battle
has someone pissed away
such a golden opportunity.
But now, your reign of error
has come to an end.
And these are the terms
of your departure.
I don't accept these terms.
Yes, you do,
and there's an addendum.
I'm going to prom with Fred Wu.
No!
I'll never go to prom with you.
I'd rather be thrown
into the ocean
wearing a speedo made of meat.
- Silence!
- No, you silence.
Don't you dare tell me
to silence.
Okay, then shut up.
You can have the Asians back,
but I wanna negotiate
my own terms.
That is so cute.
Now shut
your silly little mouth,
or you will never see
Fred again.
In fact, no one will.
Save yourself, Ming.
Save yourself.
What you don't realize,
Wang Fong Wen Tang,
is that I still have
some cards in my deck.
That I believe.
You never were playing
with a full deck.
Maybe, but I still have
one card left.
Get over here, Wayne.
You're my accountant now.
You can chain me to a desk,
but you can never make me
touch my calculator.
I see your future, Wayne,
and it involves
a small, dark room in Koreatown
with no windows,
where you will sit
for 16 hours a day
breathing in asbestos
while you sew
little lightning bolts
on fancy sneakers
that you will never wear.
- He doesn't wanna work for you.
- Sure he does.
_
What if I get you weekends off
and two sick days a month?
I've enjoyed the partying
and the chicks,
but Asian livers
don't process alcohol well.
And to be honest,
I freakin' love math.
Don't be sad for me.
I'll always have a way
to remember
my carefree, salad days.
Yes, you will.
Okay.
Here's the deal.
You leave Fred and me alone.
If you see either one of us
in a public forum,
you keep walking.
Wayne here gets weekends off
and two sick days a month,
no questions asked.
We don't get sick.
No questions asked.
Those are my terms.
Take 'em or leave 'em.
Fine.
You have my word.
I will no longer
actively try to destroy you.
_
_
_
Don't worry.
I've seen it all.
Heck, I've done it all.
But I'm going to need
your key back.
Right.
I don't know where it is.
Um, I--
Ah.
How many shirts
did you have made?
Just 30,
but that should be enough
to make a statement
at the hearing.
Shit!
_
Don't worry.
- They can be fixed.
- I don't have time.
I still need to recruit people
to vouch for Val.
I'll vouch for her.
She gave me some advice when
I got in that fight with Jake.
It wasn't good,
but I can leave out that detail.
And I'm happy
to speak for her too.
- You barely know her.
- But I know you.
- And I wanna help.
- You're both cool for helping.
But just to be sure
I "Save Vag",
I'm gonna need to find
more volunteers.
Who else can I ask?
I will totally vouch
for Ms. Marks.
She's the one who encouraged me
to get my boobs done.
She convinced
some random pregnant woman
to pee on a stick,
so I could use it
to trick my boyfriend
into marrying me.
Ah!
I was cutting myself
and hiding it from my friends.
But Ms. Marks
suggested I--
J, I'm sorry, I can't do this.
I forgot
you were a terrible liar.
Yeah, and honestly,
I can't say Valerie
ever helped me.
But there is someone who can.
Hell no,
I am not defending that lunatic.
You owe her.
She helped you find a place
to live when your mom left.
She hooked you up with Ally.
And I'm supposed to be
thankful for that?
Come on, Sadie, you spend most
of your waking hours
making people miserable.
How about putting a little good
out into the world?
Talk about the pothead
calling the kettle black.
You are the one
who exposed her incompetence
and got her shit-canned.
Besides, I give amazing,
life-changing advice
to thousands of followers
every day.
I am swimming in goodwill.
Not that I give a crap.
Prepare to be impressed.
Oh, you sure
you wanna set it up like that?
Because now,
I'm expecting awesome.
Yeah, it's perfect.
- Think so?
- Maybe not perfect.
But at least it won't look like
we're crusading
for vaginal rejuvenation.
- Gross.
- I try.
To be funny, not to be gross.
It's really cool of you
to help out with this.
I know Jenna appreciates it.
It's the least I can do.
She went out of her way to
make me feel comfortable here.
Well, comfortable is a bit
of an overstatement.
I should say
I feel less freak-like.
Sounds like something Jenna
would say, actually.
♪ kick of fate ♪
♪ there I was invisible ♪
♪ just out of phase ♪
Yeah.
If you wanna change,
I could--
Right, right,
because I'm such a slut,
I will just nude up
in front of anybody.
You didn't let me finish.
I was gonna say
I would leave the room
or turn around,
so you could change.
Sorry.
I thought maybe
you bought into all the rumors
about me being a...
A what?
- A duchess...
- Ooh.
...from another country
that's not this one.
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
What rumors?
Well, if you don't know,
I am sure as hell
not gonna tell you.
But if you do hear anything,
it's all lies.
Got it.
Can we please
answer these questions
in a timely fashion?
My DVR is at 98%,
and those shows are not gonna
watch themselves, ladies.
Okay. Uh...
To answer the board's question,
I did not tell
that football player
to cheat on his test.
I only told him
it was an option.
That kid is our best QB.
And we would never have kicked
Cougar butt without him.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
- Hey.
Ms. Marks,
is it true
that you referred
to a select group of boys
on the swim team as "Hotties"?
Well, I mean, have you
seen them with their shirts off?
- Objection.
- On what grounds?
That information is hearsay,
which makes it
inadmissible in court.
Plus, I was not privy
to that evidence before trial,
so I'm going to have to cite
the exclusionary rule.
Uh, I have no idea
what you're saying.
If you want, I can explain it
in Layman's terms.
I've seen every episode
of Law & Order.
Classic, Criminal Intent,
and Sexy Style.
SVU.
There's no need,
Mrs. Hamilton,
as this is not a court of law.
Okay.
Is there anything else
you'd like to add
in your defense,
Ms. Marks?
Yes.
Uh, you should know...
- I am just a girl...
- Mm.
...sitting
across from a board,
asking them to give her
her job back.
Is there anyone else
who's going
to testify on your behalf?
Uh...
Okay, well,
the board--
My surprise witness.
Hey.
You are on our side, right?
I would like the board to know
that Ms. Marks
was instrumental
in helping my Aunt Ally
get a baby.
Without her,
Ally would still be childless,
barren, and probably drunk,
one vodka tonic away
from snatching
some random baby
from a shopping cart
in a grocery store
the instant its mother turned
away to buy formula.
- Uh--
- Go on, Sadie.
And in saving my aunt,
she saved that baby too.
- The shopping cart baby?
- No.
Another one.
A baby who was
homeless, motherless,
fatherless,
and housekeeper-less.
Mm.
That's all very dramatic,
Ms. Saxton,
but can you prove any of this?
Yes, I can.
Because I am that baby.
Oh.
I totally forgot I did that.
Not guilty!
I mean,
Valerie got her job back.
I think
I finally found my calling.
- You wanna be a lawyer?
- No.
I wanna play one on TV.
I know what you did,
and it means a lot to me.
I'm sorry I told you
to go fuck yourself.
- I deserved it.
- You did.
But, um, you're still
my girl, J.
Mm.
Oh, okay.
Oh, okay.
Okay, lady.
Let me buy you a drink.
Actually, you should buy me one
since I did this pro bono.
- You want a ride?
- Sure.
Oh.
Buddha was definitely
onto something
with this whole cosmic
punishment-reward system.
My desirable act
of getting Val's job back
had produced
a corresponding good result.
I was going to prom with Matty.
And if the super-chill Asian guy
was a man of his word,
it wouldn't be long before
I was calling him my boyfriend.
By him, I meant Matty.
If I was putting that thought
into the universe,
I wanted it
to be crystal clear.
Hey.
Jake's in the bathroom,
so I have to talk fast.
You always talk fast.
I overheard him
taking to Matty,
and the prom ask
is going down tonight.
I guess he's not telling me,
so I don't tell you,
which I already did,
so make sure
you do your hair
and shave your legs.
Hold on, I'm getting a text.
_
♪ Head in the clouds,
watching... ♪
We're all going to prom.
We're all going to prom!
Yeah, you're not there.
I'm going to prom.
Ugh.
Sorry about the takeout,
but hey.
I was working, so you're just
gonna have to deal.
I'm proud of you two.
After what Jenna wrote
about her,
I didn't think Valerie
had a chance in hell.
- Dad.
- I meant that as a compliment.
I don't wanna bring you down.
Well, that would be impossible.
Matty's gonna ask me to prom.
- You need a dress.
- No more shopping.
I actually already found
the perfect dress,
but I only have $400
in savings.
- How much is this dress?
- 750.
What is it, made of $20 bills?
I'm sure it's something
that she'll be able
to wear over and over again.
- To weddings and...
- Parties and...
Bar Mitzvahs.
The girl kind of Bar Mitzvahs.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
If you're gonna gang up on me,
I'm outta here.
I was saving the money
I made as a nurse
for a special occasion,
and this is about as special
as it gets.
I didn't want your dad
to find it.
What if the dress
is already gone?
If we hurry, we can still
make it to the store.
Okay.
Feels good to be free.
- I just hope it lasts.
- Don't be so cynical.
I mean, we've been
through enough crap.
We've earned our happiness.
I still can't believe
you gave it all up for me.
- I'd do it again.
- You would?
What's the point
of unlimited power
and bottomless lattes
if I have no one
to share them with?
Besides, I was probably
the worst mob boss ever.
Uh, yeah, you were.
Did you get prom tickets
before you abdicated?
That 100 bucks I had
fell through my trap pocket.
- See, magic is dumb.
- Salt in the wound, Ming.
Sorry.
I did manage to get one ticket,
but I can go to the dance first
and sneak you in
through the back.
Just like regular folks.
Just like regular folks.
♪ sometimes I drift
like autumn leaves ♪
- Fred?
- Hmm?
What's going to happen to us?
What will we be
without the drama,
the intrigue, the deception?
I don't know, Ming.
I don't know.
♪ ah ♪
♪ ah ah ah ♪
♪ ah ah ah, ah ah ah ♪
♪ ah ah ah ♪
It's so beautiful.
Do you think it'll fit me?
Oh, you're serious.
Ah!
The dress!
Oh, right.
Jenna, Matty's here.
I-I-I can't get out
of the dress.
I can't get you
out of the dress.
Mom, he can't see me in this.
He'll think I knew all along,
and I don't wanna jinx it.
Okay.
- Oh, mom, mom, no.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Jenna!
What am I gonna do?
Hi.
Hey.
I'm sorry,
were you about to go out?
Oh, this.
Um, I was...
Jenna, are you ready
for the Bar Mitzvah?
...going to a bar Mitzvah.
Shalom.
At 10:00 at night?
It's actually at midnight,
the second the kid turns 13.
That crazy kid
just couldn't wait.
Do you wanna sit down?
Yeah, I guess.
So...
So...
So--
Oh, I have never felt
this uncomfortable
in your living room before.
Oh, come on.
It's just me.
Uh, I know.
That's why it's weird.
You're making it weird, weirdo.
You're making it weirder too.
That's-- Okay,
how am I gonna do this?
Do what?
Okay.
You're one of my best friends.
And you're one of mine.
This is ridiculous.
I don't know
why I am being so formal.
Perhaps I had amassed
too much good karma.
My prom proposition was starting
to sound like a proposal.
It's just-- it's kinda strange
talking about it
because I just--
I feel like we're so beyond it.
So... prom.
- Prom.
- Prom.
I know you saw
those tickets today.
I-I-I don't know
what you're talking about.
Mm-hmm, you saw them,
and then you pretended not to,
and you looked away.
You're right.
I did do that,
and I don't even know why.
So are you going?
I hope so.
Are you?
Yeah, I hope so too.
I had never seen Matty
so anxious.
All his nervous ticks
were in full force,
and it was only
a matter of time
before he busted out
the armpit sniff.
It was sweet.
By all accounts,
he seemed worried
I was going to turn him down.
Anyway, prom.
That's-- that's why I'm here.
All my life, I had heard,
"What goes around
comes around."
I just wanted to make sure
that you were cool with me
asking Bailey.
And it had definitely
come back around.
_
Matty, this is
my friend Bailey.
- Thank you for coming.
- So are we okay?
- Yeah.
- Hunter, huh?
She got really drunk
and threw up on herself.
That's a bummer.
I'd rather hang out
with someone else instead.
During my sanity sabbatical,
I wrote a mean essay about Val.
It's Ms. Marks.
I've been fired.
After my recent walk
on the wild side,
I had course-corrected
and was determined
to stay on the straight
and narrow.
But I had to admit,
hanging outside
a low-rent liquor store
in a sketch part of town
gave me
a crazy adrenaline rush.
Okay, Mr. Hutcherson.
- Date of birth.
- 1985.
'89.
Address.
1266... Kenilworth Avenue.
Lane.
Okay, let's give him
an easy one.
Um, Mr. Hutcherson,
where was this license issued?
At the DMV.
- State, smartass.
- Montana.
California.
Dude, you have, like,
five things to remember.
I didn't know we were
gonna have a frickin' quiz.
Okay, well,
we are really about to enjoy
that case of soda
you're about to buy.
Watch this.
- No, we can't go in yet.
- No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
- You need to have this down.
- I do.
You don't.
With a name
like Van Hutcherson,
you are asking to get busted.
This is the worst fake ID ever.
Oh, but the letterman's jacket
was a nice touch.
Shit!
I forgot to take it off.
Why don't we just get that guy
to buy us beer?
Oh.
- I think we should just bail.
- It's fine.
Nobody ever gets carded here.
Nussbaum employees
are mostly carnies or ex-cons
who either can't read
or don't care.
Can I help you?
I was just using this
as a weight.
Yeah, yeah.
You've heard of beer-lates?
What are you doing here?
Just pulling a paycheck,
eating my feelings,
watching my dreams die,
oh, getting a 45% off discount
on expired booze,
which helps me
on my quest
to drink my youth away,
which I am also doing.
Val, I am so sorry.
I wish I'd never written
that essay.
If I could take it back,
I would.
Is there anything I can do
to make it up to you?
I may be immune
to your bullets,
Jenna-dict Arnold,
but your words
put a hole in my heart.
I treated you as a friend,
as a confidante,
as a brother
from another mother,
and how do you repay me?
Do you name a star after me?
Do you send me
an edible fruit basket?
Mm-mm.
Do you offer me
my weight in Euros?
No.
You ruin my life.
It was true.
Valerie had always been there
for me,
and she didn't deserve
her bad fortune.
I was the one
who had wronged her.
I was the one
with the crappy karma.
So why wasn't I the one working
in a creepy liquor store,
eating beef jerky and red hots
to fill my empty soul?
You know what?
Actually, there is something
you can do for me.
Name it.
- Go fuck yourself.
- What?
I said, Jenna Hamilton,
go fuck yourself.
Get your prom tickets,
on sale in the junior quad
right now.
If you ain't got a date,
do like the Titans do.
Buy now, ask later.
Get your prom tickets.
Sorry about that.
- Hey, Jenna.
- Hey.
- Mr. Hutcherson.
- Class of '89.
Now you remember?
What's wrong
with this stupid locker?
It's not yours.
Why are you so out of it today?
I can't stop thinking
about Valerie.
It doesn't feel right
that my life
is on the upswing
while she's going through hell,
especially when
it's all my fault.
She did all those crazy,
really inappropriate things.
All you did was write about it.
- Let it go.
- I can't.
Did you ever think this could
be a good thing for her?
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Maybe she'll come out
the other end
with a better job or something.
You know what the say,
what doesn't kill us
makes us stronger.
I could only hope
that was true for Valerie.
But I knew it was true
for Matty and me.
We had been through so much,
and yet we're closer than ever.
Sure, we were just friends,
but my relationship
with Jake worked
because we took it slow.
Maybe it was better
for Matty and me
to start as friends
and work towards the benefits.
If you're trying
to do magic, don't.
- I hate it.
- How can anybody hate magic?
I don't know.
It creeps me.
Maybe not now, but one day,
you will learn to love magic
as much as you love me.
Doubt it.
Saved it up from putting in
electronic dog fences,
something I'm
ethically opposed to.
So this is basically
blood money,
but it was for a good cause.
Prom tickets.
Sweet, but hold on
to your cash.
- I can get them for free.
- How?
By using the good kind
of magic.
The Asian kind.
Where are my Asians at?
It's dead.
Hey, Henry?
Henry.
Hit me up later.
Mama's gotta do business.
- Stop talking like a pimp.
- Stop doing magic.
Dude, why are you ignoring me?
And how come
after I snap my fingers,
there aren't any Asians
in my face?
If there's something going on,
you have to tell me.
You owe me that.
You and I have pretended
to go through a lot together.
Coup d'etat.
What does that mean?
A coup d'etat?
Which I thought was French
for "fancy brunch"
but actually means "sudden
overthrow, often violent."
Putting the mascot head
in your locker
was seriously disturbing.
And physically impossible.
How did they get it in there?
I'm guessing it's some type
of head-shrinking technique.
By some kind of insaniac.
Do you think Becca's back?
No, they hated her
more than me.
I bet it's that asshole Isaiah.
This is my own damn fault.
I abused my power,
and now it's coming back
to bite me in the ass
or perhaps kill me.
Apparently,
everyone was feeling
the effects of karma.
Question was,
how long would it last?
I should've seen this coming.
Last week,
I lost my parking spot--
- I can't even remember
the last time
an Asian brought you a latte.
And my secret hotline's
gone cold.
See?
Fuck the what?
I had it on me this morning.
- How do they do that?
- No offense, Ming.
But you were never cut out
to be a ruthless despot.
Yeah, maybe this was
for the best.
It's not.
Once I'm ousted, they might
send me away like Becca,
or God forbid they send me
to the same place.
I should probably keep
a low pro,
stay out of the daylight.
Now, can we please talk
about what's been on my
scrawling newsreel all morning?
- And that is?
- Prom.
Jake promised to make up for
his infamous sex van disastrophy
by planning the perfect night,
which means
I need the perfect dress,
which is giving me
maj dress stress.
I'm thinking about going long
'cause I've seen a lot of maxis
on the red C.
Red carpet.
But what if Palos Hillers
are fashion behind and go mini?
Maybe I'll just stick with short
to be safe.
No.
I'll go high-low.
Problem solved.
Is Matty gonna ask you?
We've been getting along well,
but I don't expect anything.
- Why not?
- I don't wanna be let down.
I finally earned
his friendship back.
But a date to prom?
That's pushing it.
And that's a wrap on prom talk.
So prom.
Guess who got here early and
bought the first two tickets.
Mm, so far, so good.
What do you guys think
it means to ask someone to prom?
Basically like a DTR, right?
Yeah, I guess.
Maybe I had banked
enough good karma
for a prom date,
and Matty and I
were going to re-TR.
I agree,
dropping a hundie on tickets,
plus flowers, a limo,
a hotel--
- Hotel?
- Maybe a hotel?
Hotel.
You don't really do that
unless you're into somebody.
That's what I thought.
- Or you wanna get laid.
- Jake.
But that's not why I'm doing it--
I can get laid any time.
- Or never again.
- Well, no, no.
That's not what I meant.
I-I--
I just wanna make it special,
so you have a prom night
that you remember
the rest of your life.
We're skipping fifth period.
We have to pre-shop
before some skankazoid
nabs my perfect dress.
Suddenly, I had
dress stress too.
If I was going to prom
with Matty,
I had to find my perfect dress.
I know
what you're thinking about.
- What?
- Valerie.
You're still worried about her.
Very worried.
And guilty.
I had no right fantasizing
about a stupid dance
when Val was putting her life
on the line
to keep reprobates in cheap
spirits and rolling papers.
I know I told you
to just let it go,
but obviously you can't.
Do something about it.
You're right.
I can, and I will.
If I had the power
to get Valerie fired,
who was to say
I didn't have the power
to get her rehired?
Because you only know
one side of the story,
which isn't fair
because there are always
two sides to every story,
one of which is the right one.
Can you please just
for one second--
Principal Cox, are you aware
that we are living in America...
I had absolutely no idea.
Where everyone deserves
the right to be heard.
Valerie deserves the chance
to defend herself.
I was the one
who wrote that essay,
which I now admit
was mean-spirited
and totally biased.
And I think she should get
her job back,
so she should get
her job back--
Stop talking.
I can't, because I am not
gonna let you say no.
- Stop, stop it, stop it.
- No, you stop it.
Uh, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, mm, neh.
Mm.
I wasn't going to say no.
I was going to say, "Ms. Marks
is getting a hearing."
My plan was working.
I was taking action, and I
was already seeing results.
- It was scheduled
for tomorrow at 3:30.
Was scheduled?
I made the arrangements
this morning.
But thanks for eating up
20 minutes of my day
'cause I've got nothing
better to do with my time.
Hopefully, the universe
would realize
it was the thought
that counted.
Hey, it's Jenna.
I have good news.
Call me.
It's okay.
I'll just tell you now.
Principal Cox is gonna give you
a hearing.
We're gonna get your job back!
I just want my job back.
I gave 110%.
I was there early every day,
stayed late,
went above and beyond,
sometimes below.
Uh, mom?
Who are you talking to?
The universe.
Or Oprah,
if she can hear me.
What's wrong?
Now that I'm unemployed,
I don't know what to do
with myself.
I have no purpose.
Though her situation wasn't
quite as dire as Valerie's,
to my mom,
it felt just as traumatic.
And since I was already playing
Goodwill Ambassador,
I felt obligated
to help her too.
And I knew just how to do it.
Let's go shopping.
Your father cut up
my credit cards.
Why?
He doesn't approve of how much
I've spent on therapy.
Retail therapy,
which clearly isn't working.
You are so insensitive.
Can't you see that I am lost
without my nursing career?
You were a nurse for a month.
Which is longer
than you nursed Jenna.
I just miss having somewhere
to go every morning.
I miss being needed.
I miss saving lives.
- You put band-aids on people.
- Dozens.
Lace, if you really want
another job,
you'll find something else.
- Like what?
- Like, uh...
Don't think.
If you could have your dream
job, what would it be?
A Real Housewife
of Palos Verdes.
- Or a...
- Figure skater.
A contestant on Project Runway.
How about something realistic?
I don't like this game.
Okay, forget that.
What are you good at?
Gross.
That belongs to my mom,
who said I have no limit.
So I expect this to play out
like one of my fav rom-coms,
where I point to a dress
and you pull it out for me
in my size,
which you instinctively know
just by eyeballing me.
Then, while I'm changing,
you put on
some super-fem indie pop,
no emo,
and gasp in awe and clap wildly
every time I emerge
from the dressing room.
Champagne is optional.
T, you've met Bailey.
Yeah, you brought her
to Matty's party
when you thought Ming and I
were gonna wine-and-ditch you.
I hope you don't mind me
tagging along.
As long as you don't steal
my dress thunder.
That won't be a problem.
- I'm not even going to prom.
- Why not?
I'm just a loser freshman.
No one's gonna ask me.
Of course
someone's gonna ask you.
Every guy in school
thinks you put out.
That's not an insult.
We all put out.
Don't include me
in your slut parade.
Oh, right, Ming still shops
at the Virgin megastore.
So do I.
The rumors aren't true.
I may not be a slut,
but I do have
pretty good taste.
Shut it down.
I freakin' love that.
Now put it back.
What kind of bra
would I wear with this?
So no bra?
This one for you.
- What's wrong with this one?
- Out of order.
What about the rest of them?
All out of order.
Do you work here?
How else would I know
dressing rooms out of order?
What the fuck?
Good afternoon, Ming.
Who the hell are you?
Wait, are you the dick
who put the mascot head
in my locker?
I have no knowledge
of said activity.
I'm here as a neutral party.
- For what?
- For you.
And the others.
The others being the mafia?
- What do you want from me?
- Nothing.
Well, I wouldn't mind watching
you try on some dresses.
But I'll leave that
up to your discretion.
Not happening.
Then I'm here
to deliver a message.
I'm listening.
You're being called
into a meeting
at the school
to discuss the terms
of your departure
from your current position.
What if I don't wanna depart?
I can't help you with that.
- When's the meeting?
- In the dead of night.
What time is that?
Can't help you
with that either.
Thanks a lot, jerk.
Hey, don't shoot the messenger.
But feel free to flash him
your bra.
No!
Damn it.
_
♪ I've been watching you
talk to me ♪
♪ I've been eyeing... ♪
You found a dress already?
It found me.
You don't have to brag
about it.
Some of us are still shopping.
You guys don't understand.
It's happening.
The coup d'etat?
Some dude just told me
to meet them
at school in the dead of night.
I don't know when that is,
so I'm just gonna show up
around midnight and hang out.
We'll come with you.
No, I can't ask you to do that.
They might take hostages.
I'm gonna go see
if they have this in black
since there's
a pretty good chance
I'm gonna be buried in it.
Try it on.
I know you want to.
I was hoping an invite
from Matty
was on the table,
but I didn't dare jinx it.
I'm just looking.
You've at least gotta do
the lazy girl try-on.
You know,
hanger-over-the-head deal.
That's a thing?
Yeah, it is.
It's a dumb thing,
but it's a thing.
At the risk of alienating
my only friend at this school,
I really want to comment
on your status.
Go ahead.
You and Matty
have been spending
a lot of time together lately.
Why don't you guys go together?
We're just friends.
And besides, I cheated on him,
which isn't going to be
an easy thing to recover from.
I made my bed,
and now I have to lie in it.
But maybe some day, that bed
would have Matty in it again.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
We all make mistakes.
But not all of us do it
with the entire basketball team.
Ignore her.
Said one slut
to the other slut.
Sadie, isn't it hard
to window-shop
from inside the store?
- We know you're still broke.
- Not anymore, gingersmurf.
My advice to losers like you
has made me Twitter famous.
- I have sponsors.
- So you get paid to tweet?
Yep, but here's a freebie.
Unless you plan on performing
in a music video
set in Berlin Circa 1985,
I'd suggest losing the hat.
♪You'reWelcome.
Is she always that bitchy?
Oh, no.
Normally, she's much worse.
- Is it Matty?
- Matty?
Valerie, isn't that great news
about your hearing?
I never asked you
to get my job back.
I don't want it back.
When I told you to fuck off,
I meant it.
Because you are the only one
who can talk Valerie
into going to that hearing.
She needs you.
And I'm scared to go
to her house alone.
- So I need you.
- I'm needed?
Yes, because you are
such a great motivator.
Remember when you wrote me
the letter?
Okay, not that.
But remember
when you encouraged me
to stop wearing overalls
in seventh grade?
I burned them
while you were sleeping.
Yes, and while I was upset
at the time
and threatened to run away
and call child services,
you saved me from an entire year
of being ridiculed.
And what about the Christmas
you gave Lupita Spanx?
She was insulted at first.
But then she starved herself
and lost 15 pounds
in two weeks.
I do help people.
So go help Valerie.
I may have a future
as a motivational speaker
or a life coach or a top chef.
Eh-- but definitely
a life coach.
Yeah, uh...
L-dawg,
so good to see you.
You, not so much.
We just stopped by to say hi.
Well, you're not
my student anymore,
so I don't have
to be nice to you.
- May we come in?
- You can.
She can wait outside.
No!
If you're gonna come in, you
have to stay out of my sight,
and that includes
my peripheral vision.
Pop a squat
in my scrapbooking nook.
Wow.
Are those all vision boards?
Oh, yeah, and that one's
a vision board
of vision boards
I want to envision one day
if I ever dream again.
Wine?
Fresca?
Treats?
One's for cats.
One's for humans.
That's cat candy.
Where are the cats?
They're hiding
'cause of the hostile energy.
So I know you have
a hearing tomorrow...
- Pssh.
- And I think you should go.
Who was that?
After I got fired
from the liquor store,
I took in a boarder.
He looks like a criminal.
And you look like
a nice person.
Val, I'm sorry
you lost your job...
Wasn't my first time
at the unemployment rodeo.
I've lost plenty of gigs.
I've even ridden the bull
into bankruptcy.
I had my dream job.
Now, it's time to get serious
about telemarketing.
Do you think
I have a good voice for sales?
For phone sex, maybe.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Put down the cat--
put down the cats.
Give me the cat.
Mom, remember why we're here.
- Motivate.
- I can't.
She's living
with a serial killer.
- It's just too sad.
- You know what's sadder
is I don't even care
if he kills me in my sleep.
- What do I have to live for?
- Exactly.
Stop it.
You both have
a lot to live for.
Val, I think
you can get your job back.
Oh.
The job you love,
the job you were born to do.
But you have to go
to your hearing.
She's right.
You love your job,
and you should fight for it.
If I was
such a great counselor,
then why did you write
those horrible things about me?
- I was in a bad place.
- Yeah.
I was angry and probably high.
So high.
It was the weed talking.
She didn't mean it.
- I didn't.
- You're wasting your breath.
There's nothing
you can say to convince me
to go
to that dog and pony show,
unless it actually was a show
featuring dogs and ponies.
And then, I'd be front row.
You have done so much good
for so many people,
especially me.
I need you, V.
And so do the students.
I'm convinced.
Now I gotta go change
the locks.
That dude is creepy.
I'm back.
It was you.
Thanks for filling in for me.
I hear you did a fantastic job.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Ah.
Huh.
Shame on you,
Ming Fei Yen Huang.
You've run this organization
into the ground.
Not since Caligula
forced his soldiers
to pick up seashells
during battle
has someone pissed away
such a golden opportunity.
But now, your reign of error
has come to an end.
And these are the terms
of your departure.
I don't accept these terms.
Yes, you do,
and there's an addendum.
I'm going to prom with Fred Wu.
No!
I'll never go to prom with you.
I'd rather be thrown
into the ocean
wearing a speedo made of meat.
- Silence!
- No, you silence.
Don't you dare tell me
to silence.
Okay, then shut up.
You can have the Asians back,
but I wanna negotiate
my own terms.
That is so cute.
Now shut
your silly little mouth,
or you will never see
Fred again.
In fact, no one will.
Save yourself, Ming.
Save yourself.
What you don't realize,
Wang Fong Wen Tang,
is that I still have
some cards in my deck.
That I believe.
You never were playing
with a full deck.
Maybe, but I still have
one card left.
Get over here, Wayne.
You're my accountant now.
You can chain me to a desk,
but you can never make me
touch my calculator.
I see your future, Wayne,
and it involves
a small, dark room in Koreatown
with no windows,
where you will sit
for 16 hours a day
breathing in asbestos
while you sew
little lightning bolts
on fancy sneakers
that you will never wear.
- He doesn't wanna work for you.
- Sure he does.
_
What if I get you weekends off
and two sick days a month?
I've enjoyed the partying
and the chicks,
but Asian livers
don't process alcohol well.
And to be honest,
I freakin' love math.
Don't be sad for me.
I'll always have a way
to remember
my carefree, salad days.
Yes, you will.
Okay.
Here's the deal.
You leave Fred and me alone.
If you see either one of us
in a public forum,
you keep walking.
Wayne here gets weekends off
and two sick days a month,
no questions asked.
We don't get sick.
No questions asked.
Those are my terms.
Take 'em or leave 'em.
Fine.
You have my word.
I will no longer
actively try to destroy you.
_
_
_
Don't worry.
I've seen it all.
Heck, I've done it all.
But I'm going to need
your key back.
Right.
I don't know where it is.
Um, I--
Ah.
How many shirts
did you have made?
Just 30,
but that should be enough
to make a statement
at the hearing.
Shit!
_
Don't worry.
- They can be fixed.
- I don't have time.
I still need to recruit people
to vouch for Val.
I'll vouch for her.
She gave me some advice when
I got in that fight with Jake.
It wasn't good,
but I can leave out that detail.
And I'm happy
to speak for her too.
- You barely know her.
- But I know you.
- And I wanna help.
- You're both cool for helping.
But just to be sure
I "Save Vag",
I'm gonna need to find
more volunteers.
Who else can I ask?
I will totally vouch
for Ms. Marks.
She's the one who encouraged me
to get my boobs done.
She convinced
some random pregnant woman
to pee on a stick,
so I could use it
to trick my boyfriend
into marrying me.
Ah!
I was cutting myself
and hiding it from my friends.
But Ms. Marks
suggested I--
J, I'm sorry, I can't do this.
I forgot
you were a terrible liar.
Yeah, and honestly,
I can't say Valerie
ever helped me.
But there is someone who can.
Hell no,
I am not defending that lunatic.
You owe her.
She helped you find a place
to live when your mom left.
She hooked you up with Ally.
And I'm supposed to be
thankful for that?
Come on, Sadie, you spend most
of your waking hours
making people miserable.
How about putting a little good
out into the world?
Talk about the pothead
calling the kettle black.
You are the one
who exposed her incompetence
and got her shit-canned.
Besides, I give amazing,
life-changing advice
to thousands of followers
every day.
I am swimming in goodwill.
Not that I give a crap.
Prepare to be impressed.
Oh, you sure
you wanna set it up like that?
Because now,
I'm expecting awesome.
Yeah, it's perfect.
- Think so?
- Maybe not perfect.
But at least it won't look like
we're crusading
for vaginal rejuvenation.
- Gross.
- I try.
To be funny, not to be gross.
It's really cool of you
to help out with this.
I know Jenna appreciates it.
It's the least I can do.
She went out of her way to
make me feel comfortable here.
Well, comfortable is a bit
of an overstatement.
I should say
I feel less freak-like.
Sounds like something Jenna
would say, actually.
♪ kick of fate ♪
♪ there I was invisible ♪
♪ just out of phase ♪
Yeah.
If you wanna change,
I could--
Right, right,
because I'm such a slut,
I will just nude up
in front of anybody.
You didn't let me finish.
I was gonna say
I would leave the room
or turn around,
so you could change.
Sorry.
I thought maybe
you bought into all the rumors
about me being a...
A what?
- A duchess...
- Ooh.
...from another country
that's not this one.
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
What rumors?
Well, if you don't know,
I am sure as hell
not gonna tell you.
But if you do hear anything,
it's all lies.
Got it.
Can we please
answer these questions
in a timely fashion?
My DVR is at 98%,
and those shows are not gonna
watch themselves, ladies.
Okay. Uh...
To answer the board's question,
I did not tell
that football player
to cheat on his test.
I only told him
it was an option.
That kid is our best QB.
And we would never have kicked
Cougar butt without him.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
- Hey.
Ms. Marks,
is it true
that you referred
to a select group of boys
on the swim team as "Hotties"?
Well, I mean, have you
seen them with their shirts off?
- Objection.
- On what grounds?
That information is hearsay,
which makes it
inadmissible in court.
Plus, I was not privy
to that evidence before trial,
so I'm going to have to cite
the exclusionary rule.
Uh, I have no idea
what you're saying.
If you want, I can explain it
in Layman's terms.
I've seen every episode
of Law & Order.
Classic, Criminal Intent,
and Sexy Style.
SVU.
There's no need,
Mrs. Hamilton,
as this is not a court of law.
Okay.
Is there anything else
you'd like to add
in your defense,
Ms. Marks?
Yes.
Uh, you should know...
- I am just a girl...
- Mm.
...sitting
across from a board,
asking them to give her
her job back.
Is there anyone else
who's going
to testify on your behalf?
Uh...
Okay, well,
the board--
My surprise witness.
Hey.
You are on our side, right?
I would like the board to know
that Ms. Marks
was instrumental
in helping my Aunt Ally
get a baby.
Without her,
Ally would still be childless,
barren, and probably drunk,
one vodka tonic away
from snatching
some random baby
from a shopping cart
in a grocery store
the instant its mother turned
away to buy formula.
- Uh--
- Go on, Sadie.
And in saving my aunt,
she saved that baby too.
- The shopping cart baby?
- No.
Another one.
A baby who was
homeless, motherless,
fatherless,
and housekeeper-less.
Mm.
That's all very dramatic,
Ms. Saxton,
but can you prove any of this?
Yes, I can.
Because I am that baby.
Oh.
I totally forgot I did that.
Not guilty!
I mean,
Valerie got her job back.
I think
I finally found my calling.
- You wanna be a lawyer?
- No.
I wanna play one on TV.
I know what you did,
and it means a lot to me.
I'm sorry I told you
to go fuck yourself.
- I deserved it.
- You did.
But, um, you're still
my girl, J.
Mm.
Oh, okay.
Oh, okay.
Okay, lady.
Let me buy you a drink.
Actually, you should buy me one
since I did this pro bono.
- You want a ride?
- Sure.
Oh.
Buddha was definitely
onto something
with this whole cosmic
punishment-reward system.
My desirable act
of getting Val's job back
had produced
a corresponding good result.
I was going to prom with Matty.
And if the super-chill Asian guy
was a man of his word,
it wouldn't be long before
I was calling him my boyfriend.
By him, I meant Matty.
If I was putting that thought
into the universe,
I wanted it
to be crystal clear.
Hey.
Jake's in the bathroom,
so I have to talk fast.
You always talk fast.
I overheard him
taking to Matty,
and the prom ask
is going down tonight.
I guess he's not telling me,
so I don't tell you,
which I already did,
so make sure
you do your hair
and shave your legs.
Hold on, I'm getting a text.
_
♪ Head in the clouds,
watching... ♪
We're all going to prom.
We're all going to prom!
Yeah, you're not there.
I'm going to prom.
Ugh.
Sorry about the takeout,
but hey.
I was working, so you're just
gonna have to deal.
I'm proud of you two.
After what Jenna wrote
about her,
I didn't think Valerie
had a chance in hell.
- Dad.
- I meant that as a compliment.
I don't wanna bring you down.
Well, that would be impossible.
Matty's gonna ask me to prom.
- You need a dress.
- No more shopping.
I actually already found
the perfect dress,
but I only have $400
in savings.
- How much is this dress?
- 750.
What is it, made of $20 bills?
I'm sure it's something
that she'll be able
to wear over and over again.
- To weddings and...
- Parties and...
Bar Mitzvahs.
The girl kind of Bar Mitzvahs.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
If you're gonna gang up on me,
I'm outta here.
I was saving the money
I made as a nurse
for a special occasion,
and this is about as special
as it gets.
I didn't want your dad
to find it.
What if the dress
is already gone?
If we hurry, we can still
make it to the store.
Okay.
Feels good to be free.
- I just hope it lasts.
- Don't be so cynical.
I mean, we've been
through enough crap.
We've earned our happiness.
I still can't believe
you gave it all up for me.
- I'd do it again.
- You would?
What's the point
of unlimited power
and bottomless lattes
if I have no one
to share them with?
Besides, I was probably
the worst mob boss ever.
Uh, yeah, you were.
Did you get prom tickets
before you abdicated?
That 100 bucks I had
fell through my trap pocket.
- See, magic is dumb.
- Salt in the wound, Ming.
Sorry.
I did manage to get one ticket,
but I can go to the dance first
and sneak you in
through the back.
Just like regular folks.
Just like regular folks.
♪ sometimes I drift
like autumn leaves ♪
- Fred?
- Hmm?
What's going to happen to us?
What will we be
without the drama,
the intrigue, the deception?
I don't know, Ming.
I don't know.
♪ ah ♪
♪ ah ah ah ♪
♪ ah ah ah, ah ah ah ♪
♪ ah ah ah ♪
It's so beautiful.
Do you think it'll fit me?
Oh, you're serious.
Ah!
The dress!
Oh, right.
Jenna, Matty's here.
I-I-I can't get out
of the dress.
I can't get you
out of the dress.
Mom, he can't see me in this.
He'll think I knew all along,
and I don't wanna jinx it.
Okay.
- Oh, mom, mom, no.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Jenna!
What am I gonna do?
Hi.
Hey.
I'm sorry,
were you about to go out?
Oh, this.
Um, I was...
Jenna, are you ready
for the Bar Mitzvah?
...going to a bar Mitzvah.
Shalom.
At 10:00 at night?
It's actually at midnight,
the second the kid turns 13.
That crazy kid
just couldn't wait.
Do you wanna sit down?
Yeah, I guess.
So...
So...
So--
Oh, I have never felt
this uncomfortable
in your living room before.
Oh, come on.
It's just me.
Uh, I know.
That's why it's weird.
You're making it weird, weirdo.
You're making it weirder too.
That's-- Okay,
how am I gonna do this?
Do what?
Okay.
You're one of my best friends.
And you're one of mine.
This is ridiculous.
I don't know
why I am being so formal.
Perhaps I had amassed
too much good karma.
My prom proposition was starting
to sound like a proposal.
It's just-- it's kinda strange
talking about it
because I just--
I feel like we're so beyond it.
So... prom.
- Prom.
- Prom.
I know you saw
those tickets today.
I-I-I don't know
what you're talking about.
Mm-hmm, you saw them,
and then you pretended not to,
and you looked away.
You're right.
I did do that,
and I don't even know why.
So are you going?
I hope so.
Are you?
Yeah, I hope so too.
I had never seen Matty
so anxious.
All his nervous ticks
were in full force,
and it was only
a matter of time
before he busted out
the armpit sniff.
It was sweet.
By all accounts,
he seemed worried
I was going to turn him down.
Anyway, prom.
That's-- that's why I'm here.
All my life, I had heard,
"What goes around
comes around."
I just wanted to make sure
that you were cool with me
asking Bailey.
And it had definitely
come back around.
_