Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 3, Episode 14 - The Bad Seed - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

A barbecue is the perfect way

- to ease the weirdness.
- Go to the damn barbecue!

Your friends might need
some time to adjust.

What they need
is time with you.

- They're not coming.
- You are totally taking sides!

We weren't taking sides,
but we are now,

and we are not on yours.

Post de-friending my friends,

my life had become
a little... hazy.

I was consumed with anger,



disappointment,
and the giggles.

This stuff is called
Party Hard-y,

but don't let
the name fool you,

because it's
surprisingly mellow.

I'll pass.
I need a clear head.

For what, your next diatribe

about how much
your friends suck?

- Yes!
- Come on.

It'll help smooth you out.

Then we can discuss the
pointless nothingness of life.

Collin was trying
to convince me to make the jump

from my trauma train
onto his good time express.

So what was holding me back?
Nothing.

It was time for me to exhale
the hypocrisy of my friends,



and inhale the wonders
of an herbal life.

Hit me.

- [Coughing]
- You got it.

While my anxiety had not yet
left the car,

I was suddenly ready
to wax poetic

on the trivial nature
of backstabbing friends.

I was hopefully about
to be calm, cool, and...

[Siren chirps]

convicted.

Do you realize
how lucky you are

that I went to high school
with Officer Mercado?

And that he drove you home
instead of the station?

Yes, dad, I know.

Evidently, some high school
friends were worth keeping.

Mm, did you say hi
to Jerry for me?

Lace, I think keeping it
short and sweet

was in everyone's
best interests.

Should I go to my room now?

- No!
- No!

Now, what did you
learn tonight?

I learned to make friends
in high places.

- [Laughs]
- What's so funny?

She said, "High places."

Mm, oh, chips?

- Yes.
- [Chuckles]

Jenna, don't be a smartass.

You were just caught
with an illegal substance,

which you
should not be smoking.

Unless you're at home.

I'm confused.

Are you guys condoning
my experimentation?

Absolutely not.

I thought you were
smart enough not--

To get caught.
[Snorts]

What's going on here?

We're disciplining you.

Without being hypocrites.

'Cause you're both high.

- No.
- Yes.

Well listen, you don't have
to worry about me.

I never want to be in the back
of a cop car again.

It was traumatic.

If I ever decide to do something
dumb, I will do it in private.

- No! The--
- Good! It--

- Can I go to my room now?
- Yes. - Yes.

But, uh, leave the chips.

And no TV for a month!

- No TV for a month?
- Or until I get pregnant.

I've been watching documentaries
on how infrared radio waves

emitted from TV screens
can interfere with fertility.

So you're watching television
about not watching television.

- That's really smart.
- I know.

[Laughs] It's so much easier
than reading a book.

- You should not have a baby.
- Why?

There are a multitude
of reasons,

but let's start with
the obvious.

You're a train wreck.

[Gasps]
Is that any way to talk

to the woman who is raising you
while your mom is out of town?

Uncle Dan is paying you!

And for good reason.
You're a pain in my ass.

All you do is complain
and insult me.

If you don't want my love,

then I'll just keep
the lunch I made you.

Nitrates and nicotine?

Cigs are appetite suppressants,

and that meat is pure protein.

Personally, I don't find it
all that appetizing,

but then again, I'm not the one
with the slow metabolism.

- Slut.
- Bitch.

Have a good day, sweetie!

After my close call
with the law,

all the problems
with Tamara and Ming

seemed like petty misdemeanors.

And even though
I wanted an apology,

my bigger need was to share
my nightmare with weed...

and find out
who the hell was so

up close and personal
with Matty.

Is Matty dating someone new?

You don't get to ask
who Matty is dating.

But her name is Devon.
Are you "Devon-stated"?

No.
Matty can do whatever he wants.

But you can't!

What are you doing right now
with this "Nonchalant-itude"?

You're not welcome
in our walk and talk.

Lookit, I almost got arrested
in Collins's car last night,

so just give me a break.

While your park'n'narc
sounds really interesting,

and so fitting with
your new personality--

- We don't want to hear it.
- In fact, we don't want to hear

anything but a big, fat,
"I'm sorry."

Because if you think
we're gonna forget

your crazy-ass agro-yexting,
you're wrong.

Nobody likes a yell text.

I did not yell text.

Then explain this.

"Disloyal."

- Exclamation.
- "Unsupportive."

Exclamation.

"Disloyal" again.

- Exclamation.
- Oh, and "Traitor,"

spelled "T-R-8-E-R."

'Cause you were angry,
and in a hurry.

Okay, so maybe I was yexting,
but I was feeling a little--

- Betrayed!
- Betrayed! Exclamation.

Did you ever think
that maybe our no-show

had nothing to do with Collin,

and maybe we had a good reason
for not coming to your barbecue?

And we were going
to explain it to you,

but you didn't give us a chance

before your "piss-appointed"
tirade began?

Tamara and Jake almost broke
up over your dangerous liaison.

Exclamation!
Jake was furious

I didn't tell him
you were having an affair.

You know why I didn't tell him?

'Cause of girl code,

which clearly
means nothing to you.

Well, luckily for you,

girl code doesn't apply
to ex-friends.

Great! 'Cause it was
exhausting being your friend!

Oh, and you're such a dream?

God, I am so glad I don't have
to listen to your endless

and hopeless quest
to be popular.

Way to set
your goals high, "T."

Don't "T" me.
You know what, Jenna?

Take care!

You take care!

So you guys are back
on good terms.

Hey, look, why don't we get out
of dodge and take the edge off?

- You want to ditch?
- Or skip.

It's all just semantics.

I really don't want
to push my luck today.

Spread 'em!

Jenna Hamilton, you're under
arrest for skipping school.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Are you making fun of me?

A little.
You know what?

Maybe we should pick this up
after school.

Are you afraid of PDA?

No, I just...

I just don't think
it's appropriate for me

to frisk you here in public.

Why?

Because I like to do
a thorough job.

Collin was attempting
to distract me from my drama,

and with that distraction,
luckily came some action.

The day could not end
soon enough.

It's over.

I don't have any more
doctor's visits.

But your neck is crooked.

It's just a little kink.
It'll straighten out.

- I think.
- Ugh, gross.

Does it look that bad?

Not your neck.
Rental properties.

I feel poor.

You are poor.

When does your mom get back
from Exhaustion Camp?

Tonight, thank God!
I don't know what's worse,

living on a budget,
or with a bitch!

I'd say the budget,

'cause you live
with yourself every day.

- Hey.
- Jacques, I'm sorry.

And I know you're sorry,

and I really don't want
to fight anymore.

I should have told you
Jenna was a rankskank,

but I was trying
to protect girl code.

I just can't take fighting with
you and her at the same time,

so please let's not fight.

I didn't realize
we were still fighting.

Hey.

Hey.
Hello, Devon.

- Hey.
- What's going on?

Just trying to get rid
of my anger towards Jenna,

but that's not happening.

Is that why
she's sitting by herself?

- Don't feel bad for her.
- Okay.

- Don't, Matty.
- But it's Jenna.

"Exsqueeze" me,
that's not Jenna.

That's the girl
that cheated on you,

not to mention,
that girl almost got arrested.

She got arrested?

She almost did.
Same thing.

If you want to talk to her, go.

- You sure?
- You still care about her.

Which totally makes sense.

If you didn't,
you wouldn't be nearly as cute.

[Sighs]

- Big mistake.
- Big mistake.

I am sorry, but I have to.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Is everything all right?

Heard you got arrested.

Bitches.

Come on, they're just
worried about you.

And so am I.
This isn't you.

No, this is me.

They should mind
their own business,

and frankly, so should you.

So go back to slumming it
with your rebound skank.

Get your facts straight, Jenna.

I was slumming it with you.

♪ Within your bowl of wisdom ♪

My life as I knew it was over.

So there was only
one thing to do--

remove myself
from the situation,

and my "Jenn-emies."

♪ You think you have
a kingdom... ♪

Which was easier said
than done.

What are they doing here?

- Ally had a fight with Dan.
- Again?

Did he finally realize you're
draining his bank account?

No, I'm trying to drain him,
for a baby.

But he wisely doesn't want one.

God, it should be illegal
for you to have a baby.

And you, little bitch,

are the best argument
for abortion.

- Agreed.
- I'm going to my room.

- What's up her butt?
- She's just... in a mood.

Hon?

Would you put your headphones on
so the adults can talk?

Are you two the adults?

After getting rubbed wrong
through the day,

I was finally ready
to get rubbed right.

Ugh, wish that cop
hadn't taken my stash.

Sorry.

Actually, I think
I might be able

to find something
to hold you over.

Really?
Where?

My vag!

It's a lemon, Lace.
And freakin' ironic.

To think about all the time
I spent sweating getting preggo.

- Oh.
- Not to mention all the money

I shelled out on Propecia
when I thought I was.

[Laughs]

And now the dream is done.

That is nonsense.
Adopt.

Adopting defeats the point.

I only want a kid
I can screw up from the start.

Oh, this may be a blessing, Al.

Before you know it, that baby
will hot box a car

and almost get arrested.

Jenna got arrested?

- [Sputters]
- Sadie.

Why don't you go hang out
with little bitch?

Because she's
a bad influence on me.

I'm appalled
that you would tell me

to go hang out
with a delinquent.

Kind of a poor parenting
decision, Al.

Then go do your homework
in my room.

I'm gonna smother her
with a pillow tonight.

What are you doing in here?

What are you doing in here?

Stealing your parents'
stockpile.

Must be a new low.

Mind your own business.

Loser girl becomes
a loser burnout.

You are such a cliche.

- Give it a rest.
- Why?

Did I hit a nerve?

Nothing you say could ever
get under my skin.

Good!
Then I'll leave you with this.

Collin is gonna leave you
high and dry,

just like you did with Matty,

because what goes around,
comes around,

and karma's a bitch.

Is that why
you're broke and homeless?

Am I supposed to forbid her to s--
[Sighs]

Need something?

No, I just didn't want
to get in Jenna's way.

She seems really busy.

Doing what?

Swiping your stash.

- So now you're stealing?
- It's more like borrowing.

Besides, mom said
if I needed to smoke,

I could smoke inside the house.

I did say that.

[Phone chirps]

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are we interrupting something?

- That's my phone!
- Actually, it's mine,

because I bought it
and I pay the bills.

Collin was over here today?

He stopped by after school.

That kid is a bad influence.

You don't even know him.

Oh, I know enough!

I don't want you seeing him
anymore.

Kev, let's not--

Go to your room.

Not you.

It's mine.

[Sighs]

My parents' hypocrisy
was at an all-time high.

No pun intended.

My top drawer score
had sent my dad pacing.

And my mom, strangely...
[Knock at door]

to my rescue.

I thought your dad was being
a little too harsh.

I want you to know that
I know you're a good kid,

- and I trust you.
- Thank you.

Can you do me a favor?

Sure.

Just lay low
on the Collin front

for a few days,
till this blows over.

- Can you do that?
- Not a problem.

Okay.

[Buttons clicking]

Hey, can you pick me up?

Perfect.

And don't come
to the front door,

just text me when you get here.

I just
don't understand, you know?

Mm-hmm.

Why doesn't my dad trust me?

First my friends,
and now my dad?

Are all my relationships
conditional now?

- It's not fair.
- [Sighs]

People break up, but your
friends are supposed to stay

on your side,
not start hanging out

with your ex's new soccer slut.

Did I tell you that Devon
plays soccer too?

He was probably flirting
with her

while we were still together.

That would explain
why he moved on so fast.

Hey, this is the fifth time

you've brought up Matty
and your friends.

You're starting to fixate.

- I'm-- I'm not fixating.
- Talk to them.

Or don't talk to them, but...

maybe you should
quit talking about it.

I'm never talking
to them again.

So let it go.

Hey...

how about we take
your mind off of this?

They just don't understand.

Maybe I should take you home
so you can deal with this.

No. No, no, no.
I'm sorry.

I'll shut up now.

- Mom, you look great!
- I'm ecstatic.

Because you finally
got some rest?

Oh, hardly.

But wasn't that the point
of Exhaustion Camp?

Oh, it was a spa, honey.

And I was only there
for a week this time.

But you've been gone
for almost a month.

Yeah, where the hell
have you been?

- Santa Fe.
- What the hell is in Santa Fe?

- My boyfriend.
- So for weeks,

I've been left alone
while you've been

shacking up with some hippy?

You weren't left alone.

You had Consuela, and Uncle Dan,
and... Abby.

- Ally.
- And Francois is not a hippy.

He's a healer.

- Well, he's not living with us.
- That's right,

because we are going to be
living with him in Santa Fe.

Over my dead body.
No way!

Are you really
gonna make this about you?

Again?
Cut me some slack.

[Sighs] I'm the one
who's lost everything.

Oh, and I lost nothing?

Actually, you lost three pounds

from the lunches I made you.

I thought when you got back

we could spend
some time together.

Of course.

It's just gonna be
the two of us...

on the plane.

Now go get your things.

I think I'd rather
stay here tonight.

- Sadie.
- It's okay.

I can take her to school.

Fine.

Sadie, I will meet you
at school tomorrow,

and we can sign
the transfer papers.

Fuck me.

Are you still thinking
about your friends?

No.
And I wasn't.

I had finally left my head
and was starting to process

how far we'd gotten
in Collin's bed.

Hey, we don't have to do this.

I didn't know if I was ready
to add another notch to my belt,

or if I even wanted to.

You don't want to,

and I don't want to
unless you do.

So it's cool.

But it wasn't cool,

and I didn't want
to lose Collin.

I couldn't lose Collin.

So I had to do
what I had to do to keep him.

Hey.

Do you have a condom?

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

I had just had my first
after my first,

and I needed to address
the undressing.

I really need to talk.

I am done talking.

Mom, please,
just let me say something--

No, stop.
You need to listen.

I defended you.
I trusted you.

And you broke that trust.

I know, but I can explain.

Explain it to your dad
when you wake him up

and you tell him
that you snuck out!

Jenna, go!
Now!

Honestly, I'm shocked...

and thrilled
you're transferring!

We are really gonna miss you.

I want to emancipate.

Sorry to interrupt.
Sadie, you forgot your lunch

- and your anxiety meds.
- Keep it.

Emancipating isn't actually
as easy as it sounds.

You can't just make
a proclamation.

You still need
somewhere to stay.

I'll stay at Lissa's.

Sorry, almost out of here,

but I need clarity--

Do you want me to keep
your lunch or your meds?

Both.

You have to have
a guardian over 18,

and you can't just have
any guardian.

I mean, if we're gonna
do this right,

you'll need
someone superficial,

brutally honest, bitchy,
wealthy, fearless--

Wait a second.
That's me.

That's exactly how I describe
myself on my Facebook page.

Do you want her?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe.

Yes!
[Laughs]

You see, I've been trying
to have a baby...

- Oh.
- God, no.

But babies are a lot of work,

and Sadie can wipe her own ass.

Going once, going twice...

Sold!
Sadie is your new baby.

Well, this seems like
a fine idea.

Call me when you get settled.

I'm settled.

Well, then, um--
[Chuckles]

You let me know what you need.

I tried.

What?

Nothing.

♪ Never wear it out ♪

♪ never shake it off ♪

If I thought
almost being arrested

was the lowlight of my week,
I was wrong,

because my reality felt
like solitary confinement.

And the only way
to break out of my prison

was to do the one thing
I didn't want to do--

- Head's up.
- ...apologize.

Unfortunately, they weren't
exactly aiding or abetting.

Hey, let's just
get out of here.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

I just need
to take the edge off.

♪ in the darkness ♪

♪ maybe I won't even
go to work that day ♪

♪ I don't care
if I'm in trouble at all ♪

- Next, on Awkward...
- I tried to stay out of it,

but I can't just sit back
and watch Jenna drift

into Amanda Bynes-ville.

So what are we gonna do?

My afterschool special video.

An uber-tragic tale about
a loser girl who wants to die,

called What Are We Gonna Do
About Jenny?

You've got to be
fucking kidding me.