Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 3, Episode 15 - A Very Special Episode of Awkward - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

Loser girl becomes
a loser burnout.

You are such a cliche.

Your friends are supposed
to stay on your side.

You're starting to fixate.

My reality felt
like solitary confinement.

Let's just get outta here.

Collin and I had been seeing
each other for weeks,

but we hadn't felt
the need to DTR.

We were beyond it.

Because when it came to him,
I was all-in.



Not to mention
DTRing was for suckers.

Dude, your hair's smoking.

Holy fuck, you're on fire.

[Both chuckle]

[Gasps]

What the hell?

I loathed hanging out
in the Sanctuary.

But it was the only place

Collin and I could be together
hater-free.

♪

And Monday mornings definitely
brought out the dregs.

It was like an AA meeting.

All the addicts
needed their fix

to make it through the week.



Thank God I wasn't one of them.

I gotta go.

Wait, no, no, no.

Please, just one more.

That's how it started
for me too.

I can walk away anytime I want.

♪

Way to make an effort,
Hamiltrick.

Nice bra.

Okay, it is
an hour-long class.

Romeo will still be here
when it's all over.

Well, it's that time
of year again

when we put out a new edition
of Experior.

Does anybody know
what Experior means?

Experior is a superhero

who possess the power
of telekinesis

and extra-dimensional
time travel.

It's Latin for
"Let it be printed,"

and it's also the name
of our literary magazine.

Now you will all
be submitting an essay

for this year's issue,

which, judging by the level
of talent in this room,

should look more like a flyer.

This year's topic...
Heroes and villains.

- Hey.
- Oh, I'll be right back.

- Yeah?
- I need your help.

And quite frankly,
you need mine.

I overheard Principal Cox
talking about

another round-ee-round
of pink slips.

That's just talk.

Oh, yeah?

Look what I found
on my desk this morning.

That's a phone message.

Yeah, but it could have just
as easily been a pink slip.

Who are you?

Valerie Marks,
Guidance Counselor.

And more recently,
choir leader,

cheer coach, drill team mentor.

Oh, a woman of many trades.

Oh, no, only one.

I hate doing
all that other crap.

I'm just trying to make
myself indispensable.

Why are you here?

There's a district-wide
video competition,

the winner of which gets...

[Drum roll]

Drum roll.

A nurse for a month.

Our nurse was cut?

Let's just say she went
gently into that good night.

- EE Cummings.
- Dylan Thomas.

Who cares what
the nurse's name was?

If I win this thing,
it'll increase my profile

and make me
even more indispensable--

and you, if I can borrow
your students.

Will this project interfere
with my teaching schedule?

- Just for a week.
- Perfect.

Drama.

Intrigue.
Suicide.

Drugs.
Depression.

Friendship.
Love.

Alcoholism.

Freeze frames.

These delightful
and somewhat scary words

describe my favorite TV genre,

the After...

School...

Special.

ASS for short.

I was addicted to them.

Uh, you might want
to explain that,

unless you brought
a time machine.

I did not.

After-school specials were
made-for-TV movies for pubes--

pubescents--
back in the day,

which dealt with
controversial subjects

and socially relevant issues.

Lifetime movies for teens.

And I need a crackerjack team
of writers and filmmakers

who can make it happen.

We'll meet
after school this week.

Feel free to ask your friends
to participate.

But only the attractive ones.

We're talking HD-friendly.

Uh-uh.

Ugh, the ASS is gonna
be a train wreck.

- What should we do in it?
- Nothing.

Now that I'm grounded,

after school is the only time
we get to spend together.

Yeah, but I don't think
we can get out of it.

Oh, yes, we can.

Have you been crying?
Your eyes look bloodshot.

I guess I just
got a little emotional

when I found out about my mom.

Did something happen
to L-dog?

She sprained her back.

Oh, no.
Oh, I gotta call her.

No, don't do that.

She doesn't want
anyone to know.

She's embarrassed.

Oh, because it happened
during sex?

I can neither confirm nor deny.

Hmm, I see.

I bet that Kevin's a real
stingray in the sack.

Collin and I have to go
straight home after school,

and we can't be
in your awesome video.

We're so bummed.

If I had to guess
what your parents were doing,

I'd say the pile driver.

Or maybe the backwards
jellyfish.

Why does Collin
need to be there?

My mom needs help
getting to the bathroom

until my dad gets home.

You are released.

I take that back.

Must have been
the dirty Santa Claus.

Are you trying
to torture yourself,

or are you just
a straight-up creeper?

I am just trying
to wrap my head around

how the hell this happened.

Why do you care?

Jenna is
a ho-bag slut machine

who humiliated you
in front of the world.

Yeah, but somewhere deep down,
she's still my friend.

You are so nice, it's annoying.

The subject matter
for the after-school specials

ran the gamut from drunk moms
to teenage prostitution

to rheumatoid arthritis.

[Giggles]

Is that funny to you, blondie?

How funny you think it was
for poor Carol Ann,

a skater on her way
to Olympic gold

who woke up one day
and couldn't fit

her fat elephant feet
into her size 6 skates?

Not funny at all.

Even though every ASS
had a different message,

they had the same six steps
to get you there.

Number one,

establish the problem
of the main character,

the troubled teen.

Can I play her?

Only if we end up doing
porn star runaway

or eating disorder.

Speaking of slutty,

how did Jenna get out of this?

Can't talk about it.

Let's just say it involved
a sex injury.

Of course it did.

I have an idea.

Why don't we do a story

about a troubled loser girl

who's so desperate
for attention

she tries to commit suicide,
fails,

then defies all odds
by becoming popular

and then manages
slowly but surely

to alienate everyone
in her life,

and then she dies?

I think it's...

perfect.

All we need is a title.

How about, What Are We Gonna
Do About Jenny?

I think we have a winner.

What Are We Gonna Do About--

- Jenna.

Seriously, you guys,
what are we gonna do about her?

I'm confused.

I thought you never wanted
to talk to her again.

I don't wanna talk to her.
I wanna yell at her.

I kinda wanna smack her.

I tried to stay out of it,
but I can't just sit back

and watch Jenna drift
into Amanda Bynesville.

So what are we gonna do?

I think we're gonna need
some guidance

or some counseling.

Or some guidance counseling.

What do we do if we know
one of our friends

is in trouble?

I don't know,
talk to 'em, I guess.

But he, or she,
won't listen to us

because he, or she,
has been hanging out

with a really bad dude.

Oh, I see.

Your friend's having
a gender identity crisis.

No, our friend
is skipping school

and turning into
a gange-head.

You strike me as being
very concerned

about your friend.

I'd go so far as to call you

the concerned friends.

My advice is to get involved

in an after-school activity.

Ming, can you remove
your hat please?

Have you ever thought
about acting?

Tamara had a memorable
scenery-chewing turn

in Dead Stacey,
but what about you two?

I was in it too.

Eh, not so memorable.

How is acting going to help?

It'll free you up as people.

Okay, please stand up.

I'd like to try some improv.

I'm confused.

Yeah, what are we supposed
to be doing?

You're supposed to be confused,

and you are succeeding.

You, you're about to be shipped
off to a German work camp.

You can only bring one friend.
The other friend will die.

Who do you choose?
Don't think!

I don't know, I can't decide!

But I would rather die than
kill off one of my friends.

Oh, impressive.

You two in the back,
please step forward.

Jake, take one step back.

You two in the front row,
congratulations, you made it.

- [Squeals]
- You in the back,

I'm sorry.

You'll have to tell your mom
that you'll be late to dinner,

- because you made it too!
- I made what?

My ASS,
my after-school special video.

- No, I'm not doing that.
- Not my jam.

I'll give you a mental health
day pass to skip school.

- Done.
- I'm in.

I don't need the pass.

Have you started
your essay yet?

I'll write it tonight.

If I can stay awake.

What time did you leave
last night-- 2:00?

Mm, more like 3:00.

Hey.

What is it?

A ticket for the A train.

What if I need
a round-trip ticket?

[Energetic techno music]

I hadn't decided what to write
my essay about,

so I was just writing anything
that popped into my head.

But why was it so hard to settle
on a subject matter?

Hero or villain?

Maybe running around the block a
few times would help me decide.

I had never felt so inspired
and yet so scattered.

It was weird and awesome,
but what was even awesomer--

There were certain things

I had learned about myself
over the years,

but the single
most important thing was

I loved writing about me
and all my stupid problems.

Maybe my side braid
was cutting off

the circulation to my brain,

but I couldn't stop
doing dumb stuff

I would regret later.

- Cut!
- [Bell rings]

Enough with the blogging.
Jesus.

So boring.
Am I right?

- Totally.
- Watch yourself.

I wrote you into the script,
and I can write you out.

This is about Jenna.

And she is not gonna like it.

Or it'll snap her
out of her insanity.

Okay.

Let's move on to the
"Establish the problem" montage.

Kyle, you're the good guy jock.

Jake, you're the bad guy.

Why do I have to be
the bad guy?

'Cause you're always typecast
as a goody-goody.

- In what?
- In life.

[Scoffs]

I wasn't always a bad girl.

I was just boring and lame.

But lately, I had become
a hard-core bitch

who also happened to be
boring and lame.

But in order to understand
how I got where I was,

you needed to know
where I'd been.

After getting caught cheating
with Calvin

on my boyfriend, Danny,

I lost all my friends.

I was alone.

But it wasn't long
before I found a new friend

to lift my spirits--

Mary Jane.

I had become an addict
and a loser.

Well...
[Giggles]

A more epic loser,

since I was a loser
from the start.

But my piece de resistance
was pushing away

the only people
who had to love me...

[Door clicks open]

People who were far more
attractive than me

and in no way, shape, or form
could have been

my biological parents,

because they were smokin' hot.

- I hate you and your boobs!
- I hate you!

And it made me want to die...

even more than usual.

[Gags]

Hey, it's me.

I'm just calling to say
I miss you.

I know it's only been
ten seconds,

but I miss you already.

Meet me in my room in 30?

Okay, bye.
Whoa.

What the hell is this?

- You're sick?
- And you're unbelievable.

You don't even remember
your own lies.

They're from Valerie.

She's doing this lame video
project after school,

and I can't waste
my time on that

when I've got an important paper
to write for Mr. Hart.

It's gonna be published
in his lit magazine.

Isn't that cool?

So you lied to Valerie

to get out of doing
her project,

and you used me as your excuse,

not to mention your dad,

who Valerie now thinks
is some crazy sex fiend.

Jenna, she sent me
a jellyfish balloon.

- Mom, it's no big deal--
- Eh!

Get in the car.

You are doing this lame video,

and on the way over,
you're gonna explain to me

what a backwards jellyfish is.

Cut!

[Bell rings]

[Sighs]

I've seen rock bottom,
and that wasn't it.

We are talking
depths of despair,

basement level,
absolute bottom.

Like if your parents lost
all their money.

In that case, I would
definitely kill myself.

If I were Jenny.

I know how to make fake blood.

It totally looks real.
It even smells real.

But it's not.

[Eerie screech]

No. No. No blood.
No dying.

We are not gonna win
this contest

with a sad ending.

This isn't the Golden Globes.

Jenny lives.

[Door opens]

L-dog!

So good to see you
back on your feet,

you sneaky dickens, you.

You know, I've always believed
in the power

of a good balloon arrangement.

That's why they call it
"Heal-ium".

And I am healed!

Which means Jenna doesn't have
to take care of me anymore.

She is all yours.

Great!

FYI, it's a closed set.

Pick up where we left off!
[Bell rings]

And action!
Voiceover.

I had hit rock bottom,

and it felt surprisingly
like home.

Even though there was nowhere
to go but up,

I wanted to stay there
and move in.

What is this?

An uber-tragic tale
about a loser girl

who wants to die, called...

What Are We Gonna Go
About Jenny?

You've got to be
fucking kidding me.

Jenna, you are going to be

concerned friend number four.

Actually, I think I'd make

a much better enemy.

No, no, no, no.

You're way too goody-two-shoes
to pull that off.

All right, listen up, actors.

You're in the mall.

There are zombies everywhere,

and they're headed
for the food court--

only you are the food.

That is your emotional state.
And action!

Get out of my room!

We can't watch you
throw away your life!

My life is over!

I had a hot boyfriend
who loved me

even though I'm an unlovable,
plain loser freak

with no fashion sense,

but I dumped him
for a pothead douche hole,

and now I have
to live with that,

which is why I get high

just to make it
through the day.

I don't care
if you hate us right now.

We're your friends,
and you need to hear this.

I have no friends!

I'm a loser!

I'm so dirty and gross
and high,

I just want to kill myself!

Stop talking like that.
We love you.

And we're worried about you.

Actually, Jenny, I'm not
worried about you at all.

You seem fine to me,

so go on and live your life,

which is none of our business.

We'll leave you alone.

We already left her alone,

and she made
some very bad choices.

So what?
They were her choices.

Were they?
Because it seemed like Jenny

was just doing whatever
her boyfriend wanted her to do.

And that guy is bad news.

They're improvising.

Oh, improv.

You don't even know Calvin,

and I can say that for a fact

because I hardly know him,

because we're too busy
getting high

and doing it
to have an actual conversation.

Not true-- you and Calvin have
meaningful conversations

all the time.

I think Jenny's just dating him

'cause she likes hanging out
with a bad boy.

Or maybe because he has
the sweet pot connections.

Or maybe because he owns
a jet ski!

She's dating him
because she likes him.

End of story.

All this fighting and arguing

just makes me want to die more!

You are so out of it,

you don't even know
what you're saying!

I am not out of it,
and I don't need your help,

so leave me alone.

[The Dig's Over You playing]

♪ Fall into a dream ♪

♪ in a hollow room ♪

Uh, give me a minute.

♪ Frozen in a sleep ♪

Hey.

What?

Are you gonna talk to me too?

Tell me I'm going
down the wrong path,

hanging out with bad people?

You wanna warn me?
Go for it.

♪ Calling out to me ♪

Nope.

♪ Calling out my name ♪

I'm sorry, J.

You're suspended.

I got you the pills,
but this isn't enough.

It's all I got.

I'll give you the rest
tomorrow, dude.

I swear.

That's not good enough.

[Both grunting]

Ugh!

Oh, my God, you killed him!

Oh!

[Gasping]

[Dramatic synthesizer music]

♪

Calvin!

Nooo...

All this fighting and arguing

just makes me want to die more!

You are so out of it,

you don't even know
what you're saying.

I am not out of it,
and I don't need your help,

so just leave me alone.

I just want to kill myself!

♪

I wanted to die.

I deserve to die.

But I guess it's time for me
to start living...

for now.

[Uplifting music]

♪

First prize goes to...

Valerie Marks,
for her moving portrait

of a deeply troubled girl
who lost her way.

Deeply troubled girl
who lost her way...

You are so out of it,
you don't even know

what you're saying.

I am not out of it,
and I don't need your help,

so just leave me alo--
[Click]

Oh, my God.

I was so busy with my ASS,

I didn't see the ASS
in front of my face.

Jenna is Jenny.

[Doorbell rings]

[Crickets chirping]

Why are you here?

I'm the help that arrives.
Yay!

Well, I don't need it,

so why don't you be the help

that goes the hell away?

That's the pot talking.

And I am sorry
that it took me so long

to get up to speed--
which you might be on too.

But I'm ready now.

And as your friend,
I'm ready to help,

'cause you're my girl.

Your girl.

Don't you see
how weird that is?

No, of course you don't,

'cause you don't
understand boundaries.

I'm not your friend,

and I never have been.

You're just
my guidance counselor,

and a sucky one at that.

Since I had known her,

Valerie had always
crossed the line,

and I had always let it slide.

But what was the point
of our special friendship

if she wasn't going
to let me off

with a slap on the wrist?

As far as I was concerned,

by suspending me,
she had crossed over the line

to the point of no return,

which is exactly
where I wanted to be...

until I found a drug
that was going to make me

feel really good--

revenge.

The good thing
about having been suspended?

I had plenty of time
to finish Hart's assignment,

and I knew exactly
who I would write about.

Only there weren't going to be
any heroes in my story,

just a villain.

One very familiar villain.

♪ Right to share your queries ♪

♪ of the day ♪

_

♪

It was time for me
to take that bitch down.

[Bell ringing]

A piece of writing
was never more perfect

than in that fleeting moment
between finishing it

and hearing
someone else's opinion.

In that moment,
my Val expose was still pure,

still poetry, still--

- Pass.
- What?

I am not gonna publish this.

I couldn't let my "Tell all"
become a "Tell none."

That's censorship!

Maybe, but that is bullshit,

and the literary magazine
does not print crap.

It's all true.

Ms. Marks called you
for dating advice,

she listed you as her personal
emergency contact,

and she made you touch
her breast?

She thought she had a lump.

Troubling, but still "No."

You wasted your suspension
passing this kidney stone.

- And I'm not gonna print it.
- Why?

- Is it too long?
- Nope.

Too short?

- Nope.
- Bad spelling?

- Typos?
- Are you still here?

I'm not leaving until

you tell me why
you won't print it.

- Because it's cruel.
- Cruel?

The man had invented
the concept.

You told me to write the truth,
and this is the truth.

You have to put it
in the magazine.

You said
you wouldn't censor us.

What if someone wrote
a piece like this about you,

pointing out all of your flaws?

If it were true,
then I'd deserve it,

just like she does.

Jenna, words have power,

and that's something that
all writers need to understand.

This book had a huge impact
on my journey as a writer.

Maybe it can do
the same for you.

_

Hart's favorite book.

I couldn't wait to not read it.

As for your piece,

I cannot stop you from

still-birthing it
into the world.

I just want you
to think it over.

Fine.

But I'm not gonna change
my mind.

It felt good to defy authority,

and I could stand by my words
and still look Val in the eye...

for a moment.

[Mideau's Feet To The Sun playing]

♪

Jenna, my girl?

Can we just thaw
our suspension tension?

We both said a lot of things
we probably regret.

- Mostly you said them.
- I don't regret anything.

Live without regret.
That's my motto too.

Let's just end this struggle
with a snuggle.

Let's not.

♪

♪ I'll take the advice ♪

It's cool.

We're still friends.
Friends fight.

It'll only make us stronger!

Want stronger leadership?

Don't be a sucker.

Vote Abby Martin
for Freshman Treasurer.

Do I have food in my braces?

Does my backpack have wheels?

Do I wonder what
a penis feels like?

No!
Why?

'Cause I'm not
a freakin' freshman!

- I'm sorry.
- Yes, we'll take some candy.

Good luck.

[Laughs]
Well played.

But these sweets
are a sour reminder.

ASB elections are next week,
and Jake has done nothing

for his presidential campaign.

Can you secure the Asian vote?

Ooh, are you Jake's
campaign manager?

No, I'm his life manager,
which includes his campaign.

If he's gonna win, he has
to wake the sleeping dragon.

Done!
I say, Asians do.

Can you have them put a hit
out on Jenna's new personality?

Ugh, I just wish
she'd be herself.

Be "Herselves" is more like it.

Maybe she's having
a hard time seeing

through her pretentious
fake glasses.

[Chuckles]
[Toilet flushes]

I didn't care what
the bitches thought.

I had Collin.

Mr. "Hart-less" won't publish
my essay

because he says it's cruel.

- Can you believe that?
- It is.

But it's also insightful
and controversial,

like all great writing.

Hey, so I'm taking you
out tonight.

My buddy Dave Osokow can get us

into a pop-up club downtown.

Can't.
Still grounded.

- So what?
- I know.

I just can't deal with

my parents' bullshit.

Okay, but can we at least take
the long way home?

Definitely.

Where are your posters?

Your opponent Myles has tons.

Myles needs posters.
He has no brand awareness.

- I don't need posters.
- You're too complacent.

You need to step it up.
No campaign, no gain.

Here is a list of things
that we should be doing.

- "Aggregate polling data."
- Mm-hmm.

What does that even mean?

Look, I know how to win.

I've done it every year
without your list.

[Sighs]
I'm sorry.

How about I come over tonight
and we make posters?

Yes, we'll promote
your platform in puff paint.

Shit! I hope I have enough
puff paint.

Who am I kidding? Of course I do.
[Giggles]

[Sighs]

I'm still shivering
from Jenna's cold shoulder.

Oh, you think it's bad for you?

Imagine living with her.

- Val!
- Huh? What? Sorry.

We need to do something.

If only there was some way
we could intervene.

That's it!
An intervention!

But who's gonna lead it?

Don't you do that stuff
for a living?

Not well, L-dog.
Not well.

- We'll need an expert.
- [Sighs]

I know one!

I've been to tons
of these things.

Excellent. Can you walk us
through what to expect?

Mm.

You know, come to think of it,
I really don't remember much.

I was fairly high
when it was happening.

I'm nervous.

I'm gonna need someone else
to go first.

[Gasps]
Can I go first?

I'd love the chance
to tell Jenna

all the different ways
she's been a disappointment.

And don't worry,
I won't hold anything back.

There's no time limit, right?

Maybe you should be
the silent peer presence.

How's your supportive nod?

I've never thrown
an intervention before,

but luckily, Google has.

I hid all the sharp objects,
and I put out plenty of tissues.

And, oh, I almost forgot.
I got munchies.

Ladies, I really should be the
one leading this intervention.

Today alone, I got two people
to stop drinking.

And only three or four
to start.

If any of you knew anything
about anything,

you'd know
that my Twitter feed,

@yourharshtruth, is blowing up.

People can't get enough
of my unfiltered advice.

- Someone wants your advice?
- Yes.

And here's a tip for free--

that top comes
in your size too.

We already know
your boobs are huge.

Why is she here again?

You wanted a peer presence,

and lil bitch has no friends.

Right.

Okay, here she comes.

- Places, everybody!
- Oh! Oh!

- [Sighs]
- Oh, God.

Act natural.

What's going on here?

Oh!
They just dropped by...

- unexpectedly.
- Oops.

Why don't you
come chat with us?

Yes, come sit in this
semicircle of furniture,

where we can all
see each other clearly

and feel encouraged to share.

- So...
- So...

So...

[Sighs]

Lil bitch, this is
your intervention, unh.

- What?
- What?

I-I think we were supposed to

build to the issue
in a gentle way.

Yes.
Let me explain.

Jenna, you have a problem.

You're an asshole.

Yet again,
the gentle intent was lost.

Honey, we're just worried
about you.

You've been distant and...

Irritable.

You've lost all your friends.

You could use
a good hair scrub.

Wow.

I'm touched.

I so appreciate your concern.

Thank you, mom.

I really needed
this wake-up call.

I mean, uh, actually,
it was-- it was my idea.

Of course.

- Can I say something?
- Mm-hmm.

You're all a bunch
of hypocrites.

So fuck off!

My accusers were two losers,
one user, and an abuser.

They were the last people
I would listen to,

and I was sick and tired
of people telling me

what I should and shouldn't do.

I was gonna do what I wanted,

when I wanted,
and with whom I wanted.

No one was gonna stop me.
[Computer chirps]

♪ Singing till
the sun comes up ♪

_

Valerie thought
I needed a wake-up call?

But in reality,
she was about to get one.

_

♪ You ain't getting
ahold of me ♪

Honey?

I-I--

♪ I can't believe
you're serious ♪

Damn it!
We didn't secure the perimeter.

♪ Short tail, long legs ♪

Can we drink now?

- [Sighs] Yes.
- Yes!

I didn't know when
the sisterhood

of the blathering skanks
would be back,

and I wasn't gonna stick around
to find out.

♪ Dragging behind me ♪

♪ torn sails whipping
in the cold dark sea ♪

Hey.
Count me in for tonight.

♪ You ain't getting
ahold of me ♪

Holy crap!

I've selected different colors
based on

which hallways they'll hang in,
and I've cross-referenced them

with my election week outfits.

This, Candidate Rosati,

is your prototype
"Poster with the moster."

That is awesome.

- Told you so.
- You did.

You can totally make
all my posters.

Uh, I can make your posters?

- Yeah.
- Jake!

This is not a free ride,
this is a "We" ride.

We're doing this together.

You need to make posters
so that you can shine through.

Okay, pass me a marker.

- Which color?
- Whatever.

Okay!

One down.

"Jake 4 Prez"?

This isn't a text!

Flesh it out.

You have to take a stand
on issues,

like the sale
of flaming hot Cheetos.

Do you favor the flavor,
or spurn the burn?

- You can't be apathetic.
- Okay.

Fine.
Hand me another poster board.

- Mm-hmm.
- And this time, the, uh...

green marker, please.

Let me get you a plate.

I'm going out.

Uh, no, you're not.
You're grounded.

Which means what, exactly?

Because as far as I see it,
I'm about to leave.

Okay, you are out of control,

and you're ruining your life.

No, you're ruining my life,
just like you ruined yours.

You know what?
You don't even have a life.

The only job you've had
for 17 years is being a mom,

and you suck at it!

Do not talk to your mom
that way.

Why not?

Are you gonna give her
the wake-up call she needs?

- If you leave--
- What?

Don't come back.

- Lace--
- No, Kevin.

Don't come back.

[Dance music]

♪ ♪

Far cry from Palos Verdes, huh?

It was.

The pop-up club had popped up

at the perfect time.

There was no place
like away from home.

You made it!

And you made it too.

Hold on.
I think I hate that girl.

So random running
into Angelique here.

Actually, I invited her.
Is that cool?

I was with the coolest guy
at the coolest club in town.

How could I not
be cool with it?

Of course.

Jenna spoke the truth.

I'm a terrible mom.

I failed her,
and then I drove her away.

I have to fix this.

I have to tell her
she can come home.

- No!
- Wha--

- No?
- No!

Lace, you showed her
the tough love she deserves.

But maybe I was too tough.

Frankly, I don't think
you were tough enough.

If she wants to be independent,
she can learn the hard way,

on the streets, alone...

with thugs...

and rapists.

Oh, God, our baby.

- No!
- [Grunts]

- Don't break!
- But she needs her daddy!

[Panting]

I think you just broke
your phone.

That was my phone.

Well, good.

Because we can't let her
manipulate us.

We have to stay strong.

- It is time for tough love.
- I can't.

- You can.
- I don't want to.

That's why it's tough.

Okay.
You're right.

Let's just hope,
wherever she is,

Jenna is making good choices.

- ♪ My fire is wild ♪
- Brain Eraser, or Gut Rot?

- Brain Eraser.
- Gut Rot.

- Whoo!
- ♪ My rage is deep ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah!
All right!

♪ One black eye ♪

Yeah, all right!

- Taking it to the next level.
- ♪ Busted teeth ♪

Speaking of next level.

[Gasps]
Ooh!

Either Angelique really liked
candy, or--

Tonight's festivities
are brought to you

by the letter X.

♪ You really light me up ♪

In the moment,
I didn't know if my mind

could take any more expanding,

so I blamed it on my bladder.

I need to use the bathroom.
Be right back.

- ♪ You really light me up ♪
- ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

[Muffled music]

Bathroom line shots!

Sorry I ran away.

You ran away?

- Wasn't it obvious?
- [Laughs] Yeah.

I just didn't feel ready to
try ecstasy for the first time.

Oh, no.
I feel awful.

What?
No, it's fine.

Why would you feel bad?

I put the E in your drink.

[Dance music]

I was through the looking glass

and apparently down
the "Grab it" hole,

and the ecstasy was definitely
having an effect...

on Collin and Angelique.

I, on the other hand,

was way too freaked out
to be blissed out.

Hey, feel this.
It's amazing.

Oh, amazing.

Here, Jenna, you gotta feel.

Yeah, it's amazing.

It wasn't amazing.

I love you guys.

Um, shouldn't we do this
somewhere in private?

Oh, no, she's cool,
you're cool, right, Ang?

Yeah.
I'm totally cool.

Okay.

Angelique was definitely cool,

and not afraid of beard burn...

or boundaries.

Jake!

You need to push
your boundaries!

Get out of your comfort zone!

Go Don Draper on this paper.

Take the time to make it rhyme.

Don't be bitter,
add more glitter!

- Stop it!
- Rhyming?

No, telling me what to do!

- You're suffocating me.
- I'm trying to help you.

No, you're trying to turn me

into the prototype
of a perfect boyfriend.

And I try, and I try everything
that you say,

but you still have
more criticism.

I'm sorry that I want us
to work on our relationship.

"Us"?
I do all the work.

You don't think I work
to be a good girlfriend?

I just made you 20 posters!

That I didn't ask for!

You think you know better
about everything.

Well, this is the one thing that
I know how to do, and you don't.

You would make
the worst president ever.

I don't need rhyming slogans

or glitter or to dot
my "I" s with little stars.

I can write anything
on my posters and still win!

Oh, yeah?

Could you write this? _

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, wouldn't I?

Put that glitter down.

[Club music]

So there was an excess caress.

It was okay.

It wasn't like I was in
a threesome.

And she had to put
her hand somewhere.

It definitely didn't mean
I was in a threesome.

Or I was in a threesome.

I'm not comfortable.

- Take off your jacket.
- I'll help you.

No. No.

I need to go home.
Right now.

Oh.
Okay.

See ya.

[Both moaning]

I may have been high,
but I'd never felt so low.

I was scared, alone,

and my lack of cash or credit
matched my lack of options.

I had to call someone.

♪ It starts turning it on ♪

Not my parents...

♪ This is it ♪

Or my friends.

There was only one last resort,
and I was desperate.

♪ Not shutting off ♪

[Line ringing]

Hey, it's me.

Can you come pick me up?

♪ The sun is moving in ♪

♪

[Ambient electronic music]

♪ ♪

[Sighs]

Do you need me to stop and get
you some water or something?

I'm okay.

♪

It's just an earring.

But it's not mine.

♪ Almost like a dream ♪

♪

♪ Almost like a dream ♪

♪

[Crying]

♪ And nothing's closing in ♪

♪

[Sighs]

Is there anything else
you need me to do?

Can you hold me?

[Softly]
Yeah.

Thank you for being my hero.

[Soft music]

That's all I ever wanted to be.

♪

[Engine turns over]

♪

♪ And we were ♪

♪ always dreaming ♪

♪ of the day ♪

♪ that would never come ♪

- Next on Awkward...
- Hey, guys!

- Hey.
- Hi.

During my sanity sabbatical,

I wrote a mean essay about Val
for the lit magazine.

Don't worry, people only read
the Experior

for the sex stories.

Nobody's gonna bother
with your essay.

Your essay is awesome!

That's why you're sorry?

Is there something else
I should be apologizing for?

Did you sleep with Angelique?