Awkward. (2011–2016): Season 2, Episode 9 - Homewrecker Hamilton - full transcript

Previously on Awkward...

- I'm breaking up with you.
- What happened?

Are you sure there's
not something that I don't see?

- No.
- I love you, Jake Rosati.

- What did I do?
- Guess I just

waited too long
to tell him how I felt.

Maybe the timing's
finally right.

I had been blogging all night,

if only to keep my hands
occupied and off my phone.

And after fighting the urge

to text Jake for two days,



my willpower was waning.

My willpower had been waning.

A lot.

I'm breaking up with you.

I wasn't the type of girl
to expiration-date,

so if Jake thought our romance
was past its prime,

I would accept his decision...

If he had a damn good reason.

No, I don't.

I wasn't thinking clearly,

but neither was he.

I thought Jake and I
were happy,

then wham, bam,
break up, ma'am.

I must have done something
to damage our relationship,



but what?

Oh, cancel.
Cancel!

Hey, come outside.

I have a surprise for you.

Kevster, it's Hannah.
Call me.

So, Kevster, who's Hannah?

Someone from work.
Don't peek.

Huh?
Now all your friends

will want to take
a joy ride in the Jenna wagon.

That sounded bad.

Check it out!

It was the hoopty of my dreams,

and I had to admit,
I was stoked...

Until I remembered
Tamara's warning.

A grand gesture meant divorce.

Was my dad trying
to do damage control?

Or was Jake?

♪ ♪

Turns out my car and I

were a match made in hell.

Holy shit!

Holy shit.

You're supposed
to be calming me down.

I am sorry, J, but holy shit!

What am I gonna do?

Be pissed.

He was spying on you.

- I'm just trying to spin it.
- Not working.

Okay, let's stop
baking drama cakes for a sec,

and think tank this.

I don't even know why Jake

was at my house
in the first place.

Well, I guess after
he came back to the wedding

looking for you.

- What?
- He went back?

Why didn't you
give me the heads up?

I don't know.

Maybe I was busy
buying lottery tickets

'cause I'm a freakin' psychic.

How was I supposed to know

Jake was gonna
go back to your house?

He probably wanted
to get back together.

I had never considered
that possibility.

Could there be a silver lining
to my storm cloud of despair?

Fact is,
I wasn't cheating on Jake.

So once we straighten out
the timeline--

Everything will be okay.

I just need to clear it up.

How am I gonna clear it up?

You're not a cheater.
Jake broke up with you,

out of nowhere, which means
he has no leverage, right?

It's a little thin,

but it's all we've got.

Jake, I really need
to talk to you for jus--

What just happened?

The classic ice burn.

Oh!

I wouldn't hit your head
like that if I were you.

Seriously, you're killing
brain cells,

and you don't have
any to waste,

which is why you need this.

Test answers, for geometry.

Sweet.

Stupid combo won't work.

- Let me try.
- The combo is 21...

You know my locker combo?

I also know your bra size,
but I'm not gonna advertise it.

32B.

Uh...

Since you seem to possess,
I don't know,

universal knowledge,
do you know where Fred Wu is?

I haven't heard
from him since Friday

and we're usually
in constant contact.

- What's his name again?
- Fred Wu.

- Fred who?
- Wu.

Oh, Fred Wu!

I don't know him.

But I do know
where your glasses are.

You left them in my car.

Oh, yes.
I thought I lost them,

and in the afternoon,
my contacts

start to feel like sandpaper.

Thank you.

No, thank you,
for giving my life a purpose.

- Aw.
- I'm kidding.

Wha...

Want to go in?
If he's mid-stream,

he won't be able to run away.

I don't think I can move.

Do you need the pep talk again?

'Cause I can rally.

No, that's okay.

Yeah, I need it.

You are in the right here,
okay--

- I didn't cheat on you!

That was a warm-up.

Jake, I know it looks bad.

I mean, that photo,
it was awful,

and I understand that looking
to Matty for comfort

was a terrible choice,
but I wasn't cheating.

Technically, I was single,
and devastated, and--

- I know everything.

Everything?

Everything.

It suddenly all made sense.

I knew exactly why
Jake broke up with me.

He knew everything.

He knows everything?
What does that even mean?

Oh, I'm not sure,

but I assume "everything"
means "everything."

No.
No. No way.

Way.
Jake took this.

Holy shit.

Holy--
Holy shit!

No wonder he won't talk to me.

How the hell did this happen?

You. Your lips.

I was vulnerable
and you took advantage.

Your lips
were pretty involved too.

Oh, my God.

- He knows everything?
- Everything!

Well, who the hell told him?

Yeah, I told him.

I really don't understand
why you're so upset.

Now that Jake is out
of the picture,

she's all yours.

I still don't get
the appeal of Jenna Hamilton

and her oversized
maternity tops,

but I guess the heart
wants what it wants,

even if it wants a social misfit
with a butterfly fetish.

- You're a bitch.
- I know.

And you should be thanking me

for removing the obstacle
that kept you apart.

I can't believe
you would do this to me.

We've been friends
since the fourth grade.

You can try and make me
the villain in all this,

but the truth is,
you're the bad guy here.

You're the one who kept
this huge secret

from your best friend.

Maybe telling Jake
was the wrong thing to do,

but what you and Jenna
did was way worse.

Dude, you don't have
all the information.

Come on, man, stop.

Let's hash this out.

- He won't talk to me.
- Me either.

But I'm gonna try again.

Jake.

The everything
you think you know?

Some of it's wrong.

Yes, Matty and I had a thing,

but it wasn't
an official thing.

And it was over before
you and I became a thing,

because we were official.

Jenna.

I don't remember you
being in this class.

Oh, I'm not.
I just came to talk to Jake.

Doesn't look like
he wants to talk.

You gonna talk to her?

No.

Ms. Hamilton,
you have two options...

- Stay here or go to class.
- I'll stay.

Ah, that triggers
option number three.

Follow me.

After you.

Fred!

Fred Wu!

What is your deal?

Why won't you talk to me?

I got a "D"?

Did you guys get "D"s?

What the hell?

Did you guys get
a different cheat sheet?

♪ Our chimney puffs
a lighter cloud ♪

♪ I hear you don't
even make a sound ♪

♪ once I recalled
the gall of that one ♪

I'm starting to get the feeling

I'm on the outs
with the Asian mafia.

Disavowed?

No idea, but I just
got a bum cheat sheet

and weird stuff has been
happening all day.

It feels cold on the outside.

It does.

Ladies and gentlemen,

and those of you in between...

How did it go with Jake?

It didn't.

Wildcats,
we're gonna get pumped up,

with the wheel of

pep!

All right, you know how
this game is played, folks.

I just need one female volunteer
to make that first spin.

How can we explain
the situation

if he won't hear us out?

Come on, which one
of you lovely ladies

would like to join me onstage
and spin that wheel?

I'll make him listen.

Jenna, please, not again.

Lightning doesn't strike twice.

I'm telling you, going up
on that stage is not gonna

work out in your favor
this time.

It will.
It has to.

Uh, Jenna's raising her hand.

- Can't you see it?
- We just need a girl.

Any girl.

Jenna Hamilton, come on up!

Okay, now we need a dude.

Not you, Clark,
we need a real dude.

How about you?

I didn't cheat on you.

I slept with Matty
before I really even knew you.

Mm-hmm.

He never wanted
to be seen with me,

which made things confusing
and unclear.

Well, how about we fix that?

Hm?

Matty McKibben, come on up!

Yeah.

Let's give him some
encouragement, titans, huh?

Matty! Matty! Matty!

Matty! Matty! Matty!

This isn't how you play.

You can't stop
the wheel of pep.

Zip it.
The rules have changed.

I knew this was gonna happen.

I really might be psychic.

Okay, McKibben.

Time to come clean.

Have you ever betrayed anyone?

- Maybe a friend?
- No.

Well.

Looks like Matty has put you
in the hot seat.

If he's not willing
to come clean,

then we're gonna have
to play dirty.

Go, girl!
You got this!

Jenna has a lot
of experience playing dirty.

She should kiss Matty.

Shut up, Sadie.

No, great idea.

Jenna, kiss Matty.

Show some school spirit.
It's for the baseball team.

- Please don't do this.
- Oh, are you shy?

Would you be more comfortable
doing it privately?

Or maybe in secret?

I don't want you
to feel like a slut.

- That isn't funny.
- Yeah, I agree.

There's nothing funny
about being laughed at

- by your friends.
- Back off, man.

Stop!

You don't know the whole story.

I do!

You talked to me about her.

Huh? I gave you advice
about her.

That must've been
really hilarious.

I'm confused.
Are we playing a new game?

Yes, it's called
"down with the slut."

No one was
ever laughing at you.

Well, then what were you doing?

- Say it!
- Stop it!

- What do you want me to say?
- The truth!

Say it! Say it!

I fucked your girlfriend!

Two boys fighting over
a girl is...

a fantasy for some women,

but, uh, I am going
to have to put

personal fantasies aside,

because as vice-principal,
it is my job

to punish boys for having

those strong...
sexy feelings that...

burst into action.

The good news is,

I'm not caught up
in your drama,

and I am not gonna determine
who's right or wrong.

It's your fault, isn't it?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

That point goes to Jake,
because he's not to blame.

But he did cheat on
his last girlfriend,

so this could
be karmic retribution.

You're still even.

Jake didn't really
cheat on Lissa.

I'm surprised you would defend

someone who just slammed
a fist in your face.

Current score is 1-0

in Matty's favor
for being noble.

Noble?
I don't think so.

All right, listen.

I understand why this happened.

As a layperson, I totally get
why you would fight over Jenna.

I really like spending
time with her too,

but I wouldn't necessarily
throw down for her.

Okay, maybe.
I might.

She is a really
remarkable friend.

Student.
Student-friend.

She's no friend of mine.

Don't be mad at her.

She wanted to tell you
and I asked her not to.

This whole thing is my fault.

When I heard you
broke up with her,

I only went to her house
to see if she was okay,

because I knew
how much she liked you.

Shouldn't you have
been checking on me?

I tried to,
but you shut me down.

Bravo.

Everyone can see the damage
to your faces,

but no one can see
the damage to your hearts.

I'm throwing away
the score sheet.

You won.

I think we learned a lot today

about honesty and forgiveness.

So, no more fighting?

You're done?

Yeah. We're done.

Are you okay?

Please say something.

Anything.

I came to your house,

thinking that I made a mistake
breaking up with you.

I made a mistake too.

I should have told you
everything about Matty,

but I didn't know how to.

I never cheated on you.

I loved you.
I still love you.

Please believe me.

Why would I believe
anything that you say?

Ming. Ming.

Ming.

Ming.

Why are you hiding?
We're in the sanctuary.

Nowhere is safe.
Shh.

What? Why are you
acting so creepy?

First, you blow me off
and then you ignore me in class.

I thought you liked me.

I do like you.
A lot.

Which is why I can never
speak to you again.

Why?

Becca is my ex-girlfriend.

Damn.

No wonder so much bizarre stuff
has been happening to me.

And it's just the beginning.

You're scaring me.

You should be scared.

Are you familiar
with the difference

between a white bitch
and an Asian bitch?

When a white bitch is after you,
she's in your face.

Loud, angry,
making sure you know

that she's responsible
for your destruction.

But the Asian bitch--

Derives from
the way of the ninja.

They're everywhere and nowhere.

All stealth.

You never see
an Asian bitch coming.

But she looks
so sweet and harmless.

But she's not!

And now nothing is safe.

I can only drink
from sealed bottles of water,

and as my known associates,

I suggest you do the same.

I heard Jenna homewrecked

two relationships
in one weekend.

She's
"homewrecker Hamilton."

- Wha--
- Here.

I'd trade your mafia wrath

for my current situation
any day.

Why does everyone get
to weigh in on my life?

It's white bitch 101,

but at least
you know where you stand.

All this fear and loathing
is giving me

a mad case of stress eye.

Oh, you both need
to arctic chill.

Jenna,
someone else's drama-rama

will be front-page news
tomorrow.

And ming, honestly, this whole
thing with the Asian mafia--

Why can't I see anything?

Holy shit.

Becca changed my prescription.

I've been Asian
bitch-slapped again!

This day could
not get any worse.

Ming was a blind optimist.

What she couldn't see...

was that things
could always get worse.

I have never seen something
so offensive in my life.

That car is no way
to bridge a relationship gap!

Buying you a car
should have been

a co-parenting decision.

But a car that hideous

should have been
a no-parenting decision.

As usual, my mother
decided my humiliation

was about her.

Why in the world
would your father

purchase a car

with the word "slut"
written across it?

It didn't come that way.

This is just further proof
that your father needs me.

He could never be trusted
to make big purchases alone,

and a car is
a big financial commitment.

Marie Claire said--

Or was it Cosmo?

Maybe it was on
Real Housewives?

Mm.

Someone smart said

that if a couple is
in relationship recovery,

or working on
getting back together,

they need to create an
environment of mutual res--

You're not getting
back together.

He's seeing someone else.
Her name is Hannah.

The car is just his way
of breaking it to me gently.

It means he wants a divorce.

I was feeling wrecked,
wronged, and worn-out.

I couldn't take any more blows

and definitely
couldn't cushion them.

I had spent so much time
protecting Jake's feelings

that my own
were left defenseless.

The damage was done
and there was no way to undo it.

"You're not a homewrecker."

I'm glad someone knows.

Homewrecker?
I never used that expression.

Do you know me?

Friend or foe?

I don't know if I can trust
an invisible friend.

Jake would say
an invisible friend

can't trust me.

"You can trust me.

This isn't a set-up."

I'm feeling desperate.

There's no way
to minimize this damage.

Everybody hates me.

I wish I could put
into words what I feel.

"You already have."

You're the only one who knows
the whole truth.

♪ Follow my way ♪

♪ follow my... ♪

- Everyone is talking about you.
- I know.

No, Jenna.
Yesterday's slut-shaming

is, like, 12 pages back
in the gossip search engine.

Your secret blog?
Not so secret anymore.

Jenna slept with Matty,
but she only screwed Jake...

Over!
They didn't have sex!

Thank God.

She didn't just homewreck
two relationships.

It was three,
if you count her parents.

Yeah. The band
got back together.

Are you in shock?
Are you gonna stroke out?

Do you need a trauma blanket?

- I just need to talk to Jake.
- And I need to get a life.

I never realized
how Ricky-obsessed

I was until I read it in print.

Your blog saved me
from ever obsessing again

and it saved ming
by outing the mafia.

Now she's untouchable.

I wouldn't be so sure.

It's gonna take more than
a blog to take them down.

Did you read my blog?

Then you know the truth.

I never cheated on you.

No. You humiliated me.

Rosati! You been played,
but you didn't get laid!

The blog release
didn't just expose me.

It exposed everyone in it.

There was widespread
collateral damage.

Who the hell did this?

Who forwarded
Jenna's private blog?

I did.

Jenna Hamilton
tried to kill herself!

Again!

Next on Awkward...

Are we looking at?
Lunch in the bathroom?

What's going on?

Your social suicide
scared everyone silent.

- What you did was ballsy.
- And psychotic.

Everyone knows
I wrote the letter.

Go. Talk to them.

What's the worst
that could happen?

My life was full
of unexpected choices.

Choices that
I didn't want to make.

So you need to choose.

Him or me.