Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Grandma Loves Nora - full transcript
Nora competes with Edmond for their grandmother's affection; Wally creates an Instagram account to impress his crush.
Grandma?
Edmund.
Oh, hey, Nora.
What's going on here, huh?
What's this?
Best friends all of a sudden?
Huh? You gonna throw me
down the river, Grandma?
Well, Edmund offered to come
with me to the store.
He... he's a good boy.
Now, I took Grandma to H Mart
and bought her
a $500 rice cooker.
You do that too sometimes,
right, Nora?
Eat my ass, Edmund.
We're making dumplings!
Oh, that's cool
'cause I just thought
that was something
that just me and you did,
A and B, Grandma and Nora,
you know, our thing.
You know what I mean,
'cause you love me more and all, right?
Oh, Grandma's gonna teach me,
and I can't wait
to learn from the best.
I wanna learn, too.
I call middle seat.
Oh, but we've made
dumplings together
2,000 times, Nora.
And Edmund and I have
never made dumplings before.
Yeah, but I want to do it
2,001 times.
Race you there. Race you where?
Uh, here. I've been here.
Yeah, I know.
Grandma loves me more.
What? What? What?
What? What?
Grandma loves me more.
What?
What? What? What?
Damon.
You mind if I squeeze in a set?
One sec, bro.
Let me just take one more pic.
Ah...
#gymselfies.
You on IG? Huh?
Instagram, you on it? No.
I look around
on Facebook sometimes.
That's about it.
What? Facebook? Wally!
Facebook is dead, bro. Oh, yeah?
It is all about the Gram.
Check it out.
Whoa! No, look it at.
Damon! The chicks dig it.
I get so many dates off of this.
You're single, right? Yeah.
It's the Gram, baby.
Oh, no, I...
I don't need to post
intimate pictures like that.
Well, you better get crackin'.
No.Yeah, look.
If a chick can't
find you on Instagram,
she's gonna think
you're a serial killer.
That's the truth.
Really? All you gotta do
is go on Amazon Prime,
buy a ring light,
then you go home
to the bathroom.
You put up a leg, maybe two,
click, pussy.
No, no, no.
Don't listen to this loser.
My kids think your Instagram
is a meme account.
If I'm such a loser,
then how come I have
over 300 followers?
You know what this is about?
You just want a piece
of me, Janeane.
Everybody knows it.
Wally knows it.
How many times do
I have to tell you
I'm a raging lesbian?
Whatever, Janeane.
Janeane?
You wanna get like
a coffee after this?
I'm hanging out with my wife.
Oh, you were serious? Yeah.
Oh! Ant-Man.
These dumplings are beautiful.
You certainly have
a knack for crimping.
Yeah, well, thank you, Grandma.
I learned from the best.
Who? The best!
Oh!
You know who else?
Talented me.
Yes.
Let's see.
This one I named
Beautiful Flower
from All Generations
to the End of Time for you.
Oh... Just be careful because
it has... the inside
comes out a little bit,
so it is an open floor plan.
Nice try, Nora.
"Nice try, Nora." See that?
See?
Feel dumb now, huh?
Don't you feel dumb now
a little bit?
I get you some water.
Thanks, Grandma.
Love you.
Mm, your dumplings look
like the Pillsbury Doughboy
got hate-crimed.
You wanna shut
the hell up, bitch?!
Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah.
Calling me a bitch. You're third-wheelin'.
I've seen this movie before.
You come in and you wanna
take my skin.
That's what you wanna do.
You wanna come up in here
and take my skin.
Ugh, my God.
Nora...
And also, look at that one.
That one looks like
a fuckin' butthole, dude.
That means it'll be
delicious, yum, yum, yum.
2020, Year of the Ass.
Okay, perfect.
"Post workout
smoothie vibes."
You sure I don't
look like a douche?
Everybody looks like
they're trying too hard.
It's kinda the point.
But you gotta post more
than one photo, though,
because otherwise
you'll look like a creep
who just trolls people.
And so I can tell if
I'm following somebody
and they're following me, right?
I see what's happening here.
What's her name?
Brenda Moreno.
Brenda Moreno.
Okay.
Oh, her screen name
is ArtfulBrenda.
She's very pretty...
and very artsy.
Let me see.
Yeah.
That's her.Yeah.
So, listen, if you wanna
thirst trap her,
I think you're gonna have
to post some better pics.
Oh, will you take some for me?
Yeah, but let's not
take 'em in the gym.
You don't want everybody
thinking all you do
is hang out in the gym.
But that is all I do.
Okay, to start off, you take a little flour
and we spritz it around the table.
And now we take the skin.
See?
Oh, that's enough.
Oh, my God, Edmund!
Come quick!
Something's happened to Grandma
and it's really bad! What?
I think she took a nasty spill.
Oh, my God! Come straight to the garage.
Don't call anybody. Just come
straight to the garage!
Okay, I'll be right...
Oh, God, I hate running.
Where's Grandma?
Is she okay?
She's fine.
But I'm not.
Oh, what?
What's your endgame
with my grandma, bitch?
What?
What are you talking
about, you psycho?
She's my grandma, too.
Well, why don't you go
to the grandma store
and get your own grandma?
My other grandma's dead,
so Grandma's
the only grandma I have.
Yeah, my mom's dead
so Grandma's not only my mom,
she's my grandma and my grandpa.
Okay, now I'm walking
away from this. I'm...
What are you...? Ah.
Don't... What is this?
Stop.
You're box-stepping?
I'm not movin'...
until you give me some answers.
Jesus, answers to what?
To why you're hanging out
with Grandma
when you should be
working on your top-secret app.
Hah? Hah?
All right, fine,
but I need you to back off.
Have a seat.
Oh, what now?
Start talking, Edmund.
I was gonna come up with an app,
but then I didn't.
And I still haven't and...
it's bad.
So you stole $15 million?
No, it's called an investment.
What's it called, Ponzi scheme?
No, an investment!
Look, I have to come up
with an idea
for the investors this week.
And if I still don't
have anything, then...
I'm screwed.
So why don't you go
work on the app
instead of hanging out
with Grandma
and trying to steal my skin?
Because it's stressful
and she makes me feel
less anxious.
So you're not trying to steal
my Grandma away from me?
No, absolutely not.Good. Good.
Edmund, I was gonna kill you.
What? But I'm not, I'm not now.
You know, and the supplies
are refundable.
So I have a... I have
an Ace Hardware card.
Oh, yeah, forgot
about all this stuff.
Yeah!
Hey, Mom, Ma.
Have you seen my tuxedo pants?
Yeah.
You sat on a brownie
at your cousin Jimmy's wedding.
We had to throw it away,
remember?
Yeah, everyone thought
I shit myself.
What are you doing
in here anyway?
I'm just tidying up.
I'm just, you know,
deciding which sparks joy.
Ahh...
Guess what sparks my joy.
Not Marie Kondo.
Fuck Marie Kondo.
You got investors off of this?
This shitty PowerPoint
stock template?
Yeah, it's sort of
industry standard.
God, Silicon Valley's
such bullshit.
Ooh, very hot take, Nora.
Really, they're investing
in my reputation.
But there are no good
app ideas anymore.
Everything's already been done.
That's not true.
Netflix for Dogs.
Uh, a poop emoji.
But it's like pictures
of your own poop,
and you put eyes on it.
What about an app that
takes a picture of a place,
and you can find out what...
What used to be there?
I don't know if anyone's
done that already,
but that's actually good.
What about like
a flesh mold of a vagina,
right, but it's portable?
And we call it a pocket pussy.
Okay, this might take a while,
but keep going.
An app that tells you
if you're ugly or not.
An app that you could look at
your vagina like in a mirror.
What else?
An app that shows you
what you would look like
as a decaying corpse,
that's tight, that's a good one.
No! An app that tells you
if a ghost is friendly or not. What?
An app that finds
your long-lost friends.
An app that lightly stimulates
your butthole.
An app that lightly
stimulates your friends'.
An app that beckons squirrels.
An app that... it's like Tinder
but for parakeets.
I need more!
But I have to poop.
You should be pooping ideas!
Oh...
"I really liked
that movie."
We have so many good ideas.
We just haven't found
the one yet!
I gotta get outta here.
I haven't seen any daylight.
I took a poop in the corner.
Eww, why?
No, wait, incubation
takes time, okay?
We'll get there.
We just need to keep going.
Your dad followed me
on Instagram.
Holy shit! What?
Look.
So?
Uncle Penis! Uncle Penis! Uncle Penis!
It's a damn penis!
Why would you show it to me?!
He must've accidentally
posted it
and just didn't
see the mirror behind him.
It has like 200 likes
which proportionately
doesn't make sense
because he has 17 followers.
We need to delete that thing.
He... he's gonna become a meme.
Even if he deletes it
off his personal account,
other people have
screenshotted it.
No, no, no, we need
to get the original off.
We need to get the screenshots
off, any duplicates.
We need to scrub the Internet
of that picture.
That needs to go.
Ahh! That needs to go.
You are an idiot
but also a goddamn genius.
Mwah!
Okay, I gotta go.
I gotta go!
Um, I gotta go.
Where are you going?!
To go and code "Scrubr."
It shouldn't take long.
I just have to match
a proprietary data set
to an image-labeling model,
and then it'll be deleted...
You're leaving? Yeah.
And you won't be back
for a while?
Yeah. Bye. Can I... Can I ask you
one more thing?
What? Did you just feel anything?
Eww, no!
Disgusting.
I didn't either.
I didn't either!
Still won't close.
Have patience and you'll get it.
You know, I always wish I was
one of those Asian girls
that could draw Pokémon freehand
and rip paper
in a straight line.
I can't even roll a joint right.
Origami is boring.
And plus, maybe your talent
isn't in your fingers.
Maybe it's somewhere else.
Hm, that's true.
I've been coding all night.
And I finally finished the beta.
And I think this app
could be huge.
Oh, wow, I'm so proud
of you, Edmund.
Well, the harder part
is thinking of the app,
which I did
in 3.5 seconds and counting.
Oh-ho, so I'm proud
of you too, Nora.
Yeah, I literally invented
an entire server, okay, so...
Yeah, well, Grandma
loves me more,
so I hope you're
all right with that.
Okay, just Nora,
you don't know
what's about to happen.
Okay, if this app
gets up and running,
we are looking at potentially
raking in millions.
We need to get my dad's
dick off the Internet
before fuckjerry
finds it and shit.
Okay, just...
It's fine, whatever.
Can I just run my app
presentation for you guys?
'Cause I just need to practice before
the investor meeting tomorrow and...
No.Of course!
Janeane, I got of likes
from complete strangers
and also two verified likes
from Olivia Jade.
Who the hell's that?
But nothing from Brenda.
I don't understand why
she didn't like my photo.
Let me see it.
It's beautiful composition
and lighting.
Thank you!
Oh.
Uh-oh. What?
Holy shit!
My dick is out!
Yeah. Janeane, my dick is out!
What happened?!
That explains all the likes.
I gotta delete it.
Oh, no, I think
I just sent it my story!
Oh, shit!
I've gotta take
some more pictures
to take the heat off
the first one.
Okay, Wally, you're spiraling.
Bananas.
Bananas are good, right? Wally...
Bananas.
Banana boomerang.
Take deep breaths. Bananas are fine!
I'm gonna help you.
Okay, okay, good news.
ArtfulBrenda
is not following you,
and I deleted the pic. Yes! Thank you!
Bad news is...
Damon reposted it.
No!
Oh, shit!
You want a chip?
You know I'm allergic
to sour cream, Janeane!
I didn't know that.
I haven't known you
for that long.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
The dragon will come
when he hears the drum
at a minute or two till two.
Y'all ready for this?
"Scrubr" is an app
that can change the world
"by using micro-patterns
compiled from each
"binary-based
representation of a pixel
"or local binary pattern
or a patented LBP,
"we can run the image
through our neural network
"and this outputs a set
of measurements
"that serve as a unique...
"identifier.
Send nudes?
More like unsend nudes."
You know, I'm just gonna...
I'm just gonna start over
and, um, oh! Okay.
Leg cramp.
Leg cramp.
Oh, my God, I'm burning up.
It's like I'm on...
It's like I'm on the beach
in Mykonos.
Oh, my God.
You're sweating
very profusely right now.
Do you smell that?
It smells like turmeric.
What is wrong with him?
I don't know.
Okay.
Oh...
Mm... Mm...
I'll leave you with this.
We're all born the same way...
Naked and screaming.
Thank you so much.
That's good, right?
Had a good flow.
Had a good... structure.
Yeah. Yeah.
No notes?
I'm good.Mm...
Good.
Oh... Oh...
Oh, Nora, you need to help him.
He's gonna fail.
I know.
Um, did you wanna go
get your PediEgg refill
tomorrow, like in the morning?
Oh, no, we gotta take
care of him first.
He needs help.
I don't care.
I don't wanna help him.
If this was your idea,
then you should pitch it
with him.
Fine. Okay, that's my good girl.
Oh, shit, he's coming back.
Can I do it one more time? No!
Oh, no.
I just wanna get this over with.
I'm shaking like a leaf.
You'll be fine.
Just pretend you're naked.
Stare... stare into their eyes.
I'm pitching
in a conference room,
not a sauna.
You know what,
this is gonna be a disaster
and I... I should go,
I should go, I'm gonna go.
No, no, look.
I know you're nervous.
Okay? So am I.
But now's the time
to see who has a heart.
Now's the time to prove
to yourself
and everybody else
that even though
you're locked up,
you're somebody.
All right?
That you can do
something special
that no one else
in the world can do.
You get to walk through
those doors,
hold your head up high,
and call yourself a Mustang!
Is that The Rock's speech
from "Gridiron Gang"?
Go with it.
You'll be all right.
Are you ready to go up
in there and blow them away?
Yeah. Are you ready to scrub
my dad's side dick
off the Internet?
Hell yeah!
All right, I know what
you guys are thinking.
Look, look at this poor,
very depressing soul
just standing there
frozen in fear
because his jealous ex
just posted
a picture of him on all fours
dressed as
"The Legend of Zorro."
Yeah, devastating.
And tell me this,
how many of you guys
have photos like this
up on the Internet?
Really?
Cocky bunch.
Yeah, okay.
That's cool.
Because I googled every
single one of you guys
and found a trove of horrible,
uncompromising,
embarrassing photos.
Tom, 2004 Halloween,
dressed as a slutty Pocahontas.
Cultural insensitivity
mixed with misogyny.
That's a double yikes.
How would you like
to get this photo
off the Internet forever?
Yeah, please.
That's why, luckily,
Edmund and I
came up with an app we call...
...Scrubr.
With a push of a button,
our Scrubr app can delete
any unwanted photo ever
off the Internet
for all eternities.
We use an image similarity
algorithm to remove
all your bad photos
from the Internet.
Every bunghole,
every one-night stand,
every mistake that's
ever gone public
so that never again
will you google yourself
and have your drunken
college mugshot
staring back at you.
Thank you so much!
Wow.
Well, uh, we love it.
Let's talk about
upping your valuation
for the next round of funding.
So there'll be a next round.
Oh, hell yeah.
We're very glad that
we invested in you, Edmund.
Thank you, Tom,
and Maxwell, Amalin,
Riford, and I wanna say Bryson?
Jason.Jason.
Got one syllable.
Well, to be honest,
this didn't really come together
until Nora got on board. Oh!
That's beau...
That's so beautiful.
It's been a contentious
working relationship.
She's... A bit contentious.
Speaking of, can I...
Is this up for...?
Uh-huh.
Bye, everyone.
Love you.
That's gonna feed her
for a month.
Nora, these dumplings
are actually really good.
Yeah, a lot better
than your public speaking.
Yo, yo, yo!
Oh, dumplings.
You're all thinking
about my dick now, aren't you?
No! Get over it.
It's a dick.
Anyway, do you like
the dumplings, Grandma?
Oh, yes, they're very tasty.
I'm so proud of you.
Oh, my two dumplings!
Just blink if you love me more.
It's okay.
He's not looking. I'm right here.
Oh, no, I can't do that.
Who the is Awkwafina?
Edmund.
Oh, hey, Nora.
What's going on here, huh?
What's this?
Best friends all of a sudden?
Huh? You gonna throw me
down the river, Grandma?
Well, Edmund offered to come
with me to the store.
He... he's a good boy.
Now, I took Grandma to H Mart
and bought her
a $500 rice cooker.
You do that too sometimes,
right, Nora?
Eat my ass, Edmund.
We're making dumplings!
Oh, that's cool
'cause I just thought
that was something
that just me and you did,
A and B, Grandma and Nora,
you know, our thing.
You know what I mean,
'cause you love me more and all, right?
Oh, Grandma's gonna teach me,
and I can't wait
to learn from the best.
I wanna learn, too.
I call middle seat.
Oh, but we've made
dumplings together
2,000 times, Nora.
And Edmund and I have
never made dumplings before.
Yeah, but I want to do it
2,001 times.
Race you there. Race you where?
Uh, here. I've been here.
Yeah, I know.
Grandma loves me more.
What? What? What?
What? What?
Grandma loves me more.
What?
What? What? What?
Damon.
You mind if I squeeze in a set?
One sec, bro.
Let me just take one more pic.
Ah...
#gymselfies.
You on IG? Huh?
Instagram, you on it? No.
I look around
on Facebook sometimes.
That's about it.
What? Facebook? Wally!
Facebook is dead, bro. Oh, yeah?
It is all about the Gram.
Check it out.
Whoa! No, look it at.
Damon! The chicks dig it.
I get so many dates off of this.
You're single, right? Yeah.
It's the Gram, baby.
Oh, no, I...
I don't need to post
intimate pictures like that.
Well, you better get crackin'.
No.Yeah, look.
If a chick can't
find you on Instagram,
she's gonna think
you're a serial killer.
That's the truth.
Really? All you gotta do
is go on Amazon Prime,
buy a ring light,
then you go home
to the bathroom.
You put up a leg, maybe two,
click, pussy.
No, no, no.
Don't listen to this loser.
My kids think your Instagram
is a meme account.
If I'm such a loser,
then how come I have
over 300 followers?
You know what this is about?
You just want a piece
of me, Janeane.
Everybody knows it.
Wally knows it.
How many times do
I have to tell you
I'm a raging lesbian?
Whatever, Janeane.
Janeane?
You wanna get like
a coffee after this?
I'm hanging out with my wife.
Oh, you were serious? Yeah.
Oh! Ant-Man.
These dumplings are beautiful.
You certainly have
a knack for crimping.
Yeah, well, thank you, Grandma.
I learned from the best.
Who? The best!
Oh!
You know who else?
Talented me.
Yes.
Let's see.
This one I named
Beautiful Flower
from All Generations
to the End of Time for you.
Oh... Just be careful because
it has... the inside
comes out a little bit,
so it is an open floor plan.
Nice try, Nora.
"Nice try, Nora." See that?
See?
Feel dumb now, huh?
Don't you feel dumb now
a little bit?
I get you some water.
Thanks, Grandma.
Love you.
Mm, your dumplings look
like the Pillsbury Doughboy
got hate-crimed.
You wanna shut
the hell up, bitch?!
Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah.
Calling me a bitch. You're third-wheelin'.
I've seen this movie before.
You come in and you wanna
take my skin.
That's what you wanna do.
You wanna come up in here
and take my skin.
Ugh, my God.
Nora...
And also, look at that one.
That one looks like
a fuckin' butthole, dude.
That means it'll be
delicious, yum, yum, yum.
2020, Year of the Ass.
Okay, perfect.
"Post workout
smoothie vibes."
You sure I don't
look like a douche?
Everybody looks like
they're trying too hard.
It's kinda the point.
But you gotta post more
than one photo, though,
because otherwise
you'll look like a creep
who just trolls people.
And so I can tell if
I'm following somebody
and they're following me, right?
I see what's happening here.
What's her name?
Brenda Moreno.
Brenda Moreno.
Okay.
Oh, her screen name
is ArtfulBrenda.
She's very pretty...
and very artsy.
Let me see.
Yeah.
That's her.Yeah.
So, listen, if you wanna
thirst trap her,
I think you're gonna have
to post some better pics.
Oh, will you take some for me?
Yeah, but let's not
take 'em in the gym.
You don't want everybody
thinking all you do
is hang out in the gym.
But that is all I do.
Okay, to start off, you take a little flour
and we spritz it around the table.
And now we take the skin.
See?
Oh, that's enough.
Oh, my God, Edmund!
Come quick!
Something's happened to Grandma
and it's really bad! What?
I think she took a nasty spill.
Oh, my God! Come straight to the garage.
Don't call anybody. Just come
straight to the garage!
Okay, I'll be right...
Oh, God, I hate running.
Where's Grandma?
Is she okay?
She's fine.
But I'm not.
Oh, what?
What's your endgame
with my grandma, bitch?
What?
What are you talking
about, you psycho?
She's my grandma, too.
Well, why don't you go
to the grandma store
and get your own grandma?
My other grandma's dead,
so Grandma's
the only grandma I have.
Yeah, my mom's dead
so Grandma's not only my mom,
she's my grandma and my grandpa.
Okay, now I'm walking
away from this. I'm...
What are you...? Ah.
Don't... What is this?
Stop.
You're box-stepping?
I'm not movin'...
until you give me some answers.
Jesus, answers to what?
To why you're hanging out
with Grandma
when you should be
working on your top-secret app.
Hah? Hah?
All right, fine,
but I need you to back off.
Have a seat.
Oh, what now?
Start talking, Edmund.
I was gonna come up with an app,
but then I didn't.
And I still haven't and...
it's bad.
So you stole $15 million?
No, it's called an investment.
What's it called, Ponzi scheme?
No, an investment!
Look, I have to come up
with an idea
for the investors this week.
And if I still don't
have anything, then...
I'm screwed.
So why don't you go
work on the app
instead of hanging out
with Grandma
and trying to steal my skin?
Because it's stressful
and she makes me feel
less anxious.
So you're not trying to steal
my Grandma away from me?
No, absolutely not.Good. Good.
Edmund, I was gonna kill you.
What? But I'm not, I'm not now.
You know, and the supplies
are refundable.
So I have a... I have
an Ace Hardware card.
Oh, yeah, forgot
about all this stuff.
Yeah!
Hey, Mom, Ma.
Have you seen my tuxedo pants?
Yeah.
You sat on a brownie
at your cousin Jimmy's wedding.
We had to throw it away,
remember?
Yeah, everyone thought
I shit myself.
What are you doing
in here anyway?
I'm just tidying up.
I'm just, you know,
deciding which sparks joy.
Ahh...
Guess what sparks my joy.
Not Marie Kondo.
Fuck Marie Kondo.
You got investors off of this?
This shitty PowerPoint
stock template?
Yeah, it's sort of
industry standard.
God, Silicon Valley's
such bullshit.
Ooh, very hot take, Nora.
Really, they're investing
in my reputation.
But there are no good
app ideas anymore.
Everything's already been done.
That's not true.
Netflix for Dogs.
Uh, a poop emoji.
But it's like pictures
of your own poop,
and you put eyes on it.
What about an app that
takes a picture of a place,
and you can find out what...
What used to be there?
I don't know if anyone's
done that already,
but that's actually good.
What about like
a flesh mold of a vagina,
right, but it's portable?
And we call it a pocket pussy.
Okay, this might take a while,
but keep going.
An app that tells you
if you're ugly or not.
An app that you could look at
your vagina like in a mirror.
What else?
An app that shows you
what you would look like
as a decaying corpse,
that's tight, that's a good one.
No! An app that tells you
if a ghost is friendly or not. What?
An app that finds
your long-lost friends.
An app that lightly stimulates
your butthole.
An app that lightly
stimulates your friends'.
An app that beckons squirrels.
An app that... it's like Tinder
but for parakeets.
I need more!
But I have to poop.
You should be pooping ideas!
Oh...
"I really liked
that movie."
We have so many good ideas.
We just haven't found
the one yet!
I gotta get outta here.
I haven't seen any daylight.
I took a poop in the corner.
Eww, why?
No, wait, incubation
takes time, okay?
We'll get there.
We just need to keep going.
Your dad followed me
on Instagram.
Holy shit! What?
Look.
So?
Uncle Penis! Uncle Penis! Uncle Penis!
It's a damn penis!
Why would you show it to me?!
He must've accidentally
posted it
and just didn't
see the mirror behind him.
It has like 200 likes
which proportionately
doesn't make sense
because he has 17 followers.
We need to delete that thing.
He... he's gonna become a meme.
Even if he deletes it
off his personal account,
other people have
screenshotted it.
No, no, no, we need
to get the original off.
We need to get the screenshots
off, any duplicates.
We need to scrub the Internet
of that picture.
That needs to go.
Ahh! That needs to go.
You are an idiot
but also a goddamn genius.
Mwah!
Okay, I gotta go.
I gotta go!
Um, I gotta go.
Where are you going?!
To go and code "Scrubr."
It shouldn't take long.
I just have to match
a proprietary data set
to an image-labeling model,
and then it'll be deleted...
You're leaving? Yeah.
And you won't be back
for a while?
Yeah. Bye. Can I... Can I ask you
one more thing?
What? Did you just feel anything?
Eww, no!
Disgusting.
I didn't either.
I didn't either!
Still won't close.
Have patience and you'll get it.
You know, I always wish I was
one of those Asian girls
that could draw Pokémon freehand
and rip paper
in a straight line.
I can't even roll a joint right.
Origami is boring.
And plus, maybe your talent
isn't in your fingers.
Maybe it's somewhere else.
Hm, that's true.
I've been coding all night.
And I finally finished the beta.
And I think this app
could be huge.
Oh, wow, I'm so proud
of you, Edmund.
Well, the harder part
is thinking of the app,
which I did
in 3.5 seconds and counting.
Oh-ho, so I'm proud
of you too, Nora.
Yeah, I literally invented
an entire server, okay, so...
Yeah, well, Grandma
loves me more,
so I hope you're
all right with that.
Okay, just Nora,
you don't know
what's about to happen.
Okay, if this app
gets up and running,
we are looking at potentially
raking in millions.
We need to get my dad's
dick off the Internet
before fuckjerry
finds it and shit.
Okay, just...
It's fine, whatever.
Can I just run my app
presentation for you guys?
'Cause I just need to practice before
the investor meeting tomorrow and...
No.Of course!
Janeane, I got of likes
from complete strangers
and also two verified likes
from Olivia Jade.
Who the hell's that?
But nothing from Brenda.
I don't understand why
she didn't like my photo.
Let me see it.
It's beautiful composition
and lighting.
Thank you!
Oh.
Uh-oh. What?
Holy shit!
My dick is out!
Yeah. Janeane, my dick is out!
What happened?!
That explains all the likes.
I gotta delete it.
Oh, no, I think
I just sent it my story!
Oh, shit!
I've gotta take
some more pictures
to take the heat off
the first one.
Okay, Wally, you're spiraling.
Bananas.
Bananas are good, right? Wally...
Bananas.
Banana boomerang.
Take deep breaths. Bananas are fine!
I'm gonna help you.
Okay, okay, good news.
ArtfulBrenda
is not following you,
and I deleted the pic. Yes! Thank you!
Bad news is...
Damon reposted it.
No!
Oh, shit!
You want a chip?
You know I'm allergic
to sour cream, Janeane!
I didn't know that.
I haven't known you
for that long.
Red leather, yellow leather.
Red leather, yellow leather.
The dragon will come
when he hears the drum
at a minute or two till two.
Y'all ready for this?
"Scrubr" is an app
that can change the world
"by using micro-patterns
compiled from each
"binary-based
representation of a pixel
"or local binary pattern
or a patented LBP,
"we can run the image
through our neural network
"and this outputs a set
of measurements
"that serve as a unique...
"identifier.
Send nudes?
More like unsend nudes."
You know, I'm just gonna...
I'm just gonna start over
and, um, oh! Okay.
Leg cramp.
Leg cramp.
Oh, my God, I'm burning up.
It's like I'm on...
It's like I'm on the beach
in Mykonos.
Oh, my God.
You're sweating
very profusely right now.
Do you smell that?
It smells like turmeric.
What is wrong with him?
I don't know.
Okay.
Oh...
Mm... Mm...
I'll leave you with this.
We're all born the same way...
Naked and screaming.
Thank you so much.
That's good, right?
Had a good flow.
Had a good... structure.
Yeah. Yeah.
No notes?
I'm good.Mm...
Good.
Oh... Oh...
Oh, Nora, you need to help him.
He's gonna fail.
I know.
Um, did you wanna go
get your PediEgg refill
tomorrow, like in the morning?
Oh, no, we gotta take
care of him first.
He needs help.
I don't care.
I don't wanna help him.
If this was your idea,
then you should pitch it
with him.
Fine. Okay, that's my good girl.
Oh, shit, he's coming back.
Can I do it one more time? No!
Oh, no.
I just wanna get this over with.
I'm shaking like a leaf.
You'll be fine.
Just pretend you're naked.
Stare... stare into their eyes.
I'm pitching
in a conference room,
not a sauna.
You know what,
this is gonna be a disaster
and I... I should go,
I should go, I'm gonna go.
No, no, look.
I know you're nervous.
Okay? So am I.
But now's the time
to see who has a heart.
Now's the time to prove
to yourself
and everybody else
that even though
you're locked up,
you're somebody.
All right?
That you can do
something special
that no one else
in the world can do.
You get to walk through
those doors,
hold your head up high,
and call yourself a Mustang!
Is that The Rock's speech
from "Gridiron Gang"?
Go with it.
You'll be all right.
Are you ready to go up
in there and blow them away?
Yeah. Are you ready to scrub
my dad's side dick
off the Internet?
Hell yeah!
All right, I know what
you guys are thinking.
Look, look at this poor,
very depressing soul
just standing there
frozen in fear
because his jealous ex
just posted
a picture of him on all fours
dressed as
"The Legend of Zorro."
Yeah, devastating.
And tell me this,
how many of you guys
have photos like this
up on the Internet?
Really?
Cocky bunch.
Yeah, okay.
That's cool.
Because I googled every
single one of you guys
and found a trove of horrible,
uncompromising,
embarrassing photos.
Tom, 2004 Halloween,
dressed as a slutty Pocahontas.
Cultural insensitivity
mixed with misogyny.
That's a double yikes.
How would you like
to get this photo
off the Internet forever?
Yeah, please.
That's why, luckily,
Edmund and I
came up with an app we call...
...Scrubr.
With a push of a button,
our Scrubr app can delete
any unwanted photo ever
off the Internet
for all eternities.
We use an image similarity
algorithm to remove
all your bad photos
from the Internet.
Every bunghole,
every one-night stand,
every mistake that's
ever gone public
so that never again
will you google yourself
and have your drunken
college mugshot
staring back at you.
Thank you so much!
Wow.
Well, uh, we love it.
Let's talk about
upping your valuation
for the next round of funding.
So there'll be a next round.
Oh, hell yeah.
We're very glad that
we invested in you, Edmund.
Thank you, Tom,
and Maxwell, Amalin,
Riford, and I wanna say Bryson?
Jason.Jason.
Got one syllable.
Well, to be honest,
this didn't really come together
until Nora got on board. Oh!
That's beau...
That's so beautiful.
It's been a contentious
working relationship.
She's... A bit contentious.
Speaking of, can I...
Is this up for...?
Uh-huh.
Bye, everyone.
Love you.
That's gonna feed her
for a month.
Nora, these dumplings
are actually really good.
Yeah, a lot better
than your public speaking.
Yo, yo, yo!
Oh, dumplings.
You're all thinking
about my dick now, aren't you?
No! Get over it.
It's a dick.
Anyway, do you like
the dumplings, Grandma?
Oh, yes, they're very tasty.
I'm so proud of you.
Oh, my two dumplings!
Just blink if you love me more.
It's okay.
He's not looking. I'm right here.
Oh, no, I can't do that.
Who the is Awkwafina?