Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Paperwork - full transcript
Nora attempts to cash a check to pick her car up from an impound lot, only to discover that her bank has closed her account.
Hey, Grandma!
Huh?
Guess what today is.
Uh, is it National
Spaghetti Day?
The day that the Chinese
gave the recipe to
the (bleep) white people?
They call it Italian?
Aw, man!
No, wait.
That's January the fourth.
No. No, Grandma,
today is when
I get my car outta impound.
Out of the tow yard!
Love after lockup!
See this?
It's a check from Nancy.
379 big boys.
Oh, bow-bow.
I'm so proud of you.
Proud like when I won that...
"Magic: The Gathering"
tournament back in 7th grade?
Ah, here we go.
(dramatic music)
I remember that game
like it was yesterday.
My Loam Dweller was at a 2/2,
my Villainous Ogre at 3/2.
Oh, I had this
Orochi Sustainer but...
it wasn't enough.
My Moss Kami,
he was backed by this
removal spell, but...
(sighs)
couldn't have made
a significant impact.
Then...
then, I drew the...
The greatest card of all time,
the Lord of Eiganjo.
My opponent tried to throw
it down with a Glitterfang,
but mmm, my Gibbering Kami
brought the whole house down.
I looked my opponent
in the eyes,
he was shiverin' in his boots.
Didn't he die?
Yeah, that guy...
yeah, he died.
But anyway,
I'm taking you out, girl!
To a fancy place, with this.
(both shouting in Chinese)
Ha ha!
Yeah!
I'm gonna take you out
for some "cherra"...
"cherraskaree,"
"cherraskaria."
Anyway, I gotta go.
I'm gonna wear my funeral suit!
Whip it out, girl!
♪♪
Hey, Faruque!
Hi, Nora!
Looks like you're having
a good day.
Oh, I am. I'm gettin'
my car out of jail.
Cool!
You want a free kebab?
They're from yesterday
so they're extra gamy.
Oh, my G... Yes!
(laughing)
Oh, it's a big boy!
Yeah!
Thanks, Faruque.
♪ It starts in my toes ♪
♪ Makes me crinkle
my nose ♪
♪ Wherever it goes ♪
Well, I guess
the search is over,
'cause I found a old-ass
Bobby Fischer.
Bye, guys.
Have a good one.
♪ Just take your time
wherever you go ♪
♪ It starts in my toes ♪
♪ Makes me crinkle
my nose ♪
♪ Wherever it goes
I always know ♪
♪ That you make me smile ♪
♪ Please stay for awhile now ♪
♪ Just take your time
wherever you go ♪
♪ Wherever you go ♪♪
Hello.
Hello... (door rattling)
(distant dog barking)
Hello?
(eerie music)
(clattering)
Oh!
(cat meow echoes)
(birds chirping)
My baby!
(angelic choir)
Yeah!
My sweet baby!
Yes?
Oh!
I'm sorry.
I didn't see you...
come out from there.
Can I help you?
Yeah, I'm just here
actually to...
To get my car out of prison.
Number 3-4-0-2.
Um, so sorry,
I'm a little sweaty.
I just walked all the way
from Elmhurst.
I don't have sweat glands.
Oh. Everything just
stays inside me.
Oh. Every day is a nightmare.
'Kay.
Is your car your baby?
No.
Did you birth it?
N-No, I-I bought... Um, you know,
I just wanted to...
bail my car out.
Do... Do you...
Do you accept checks?
We don't accept checks.
Why?
Because!
Checks are annoying.
I have to put it in a ledger,
fill out a ton of paperwork.
I don't got the time for that.
I've got a lot going on.
Do you wanna hang out sometime?
I-I can't.
I just... I can't.
Uh, I can't do it.
Anyway, um...
(singing fading in)
(Edmund) ♪ You've got me
feeling like a child now ♪
♪ 'Cause every time
I see your bubbly face ♪
♪ I get the tingles in
a silly place ♪
♪ It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose ♪
♪ Wherever it goes
I always know ♪
♪ That you make me smile
Please stay for awhile now ♪
♪ Just take your time
wherever you go ♪
♪ Rain is fallin' on
my window pane ♪
♪ But we are hidin' in
a safer place ♪
♪ Under covers
stayin' dry and warm ♪
♪ You give me feelings
that I adore ♪
♪ It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose ♪
♪ Wherever it goes
I always know ♪
♪ That you make me smile
Please stay for awhile now ♪
♪ Just take your time
wherever you go ♪
♪ Wherever ♪
♪ Wherever ♪
♪ Wherever you go ♪♪
Yes!
(clears throat)
(breathless) Hi. Hello.
I would love to...
cash this... here check.
Okay.
If I may?
Thank you.
Name on the account, please.
Yes, it's Nora,
N-O-R-A, no "H."
(both chuckling)
Lin, L-I-N.
Nora Lin, Forley Road, Elmhurst?
That is correct, yes.
It says here you're dead.
Sorry, what?!
The bank automatically
closes accounts
that have been
inactive for two years.
We assume you died.
No.
No, no. No.
I am... I am alive!
Here's what I can do.
(sighs)
If you want to
reopen your account,
I just need a form
of identification.
Yes. Actually, I can
accommodate with that.
(softly)
Okay, here we go, that's...
Yes.
Thank you.
This is expired.
Where does it say that?
No, no.
Because this license is expired,
I'm legally obligated
to do this.
Oh. Oh. Oh!
(plastic snaps)
Oh!
Oh... Do you have another
form of identification?
Do you know your
social security number?
Yes!
Yes, I know it.
Um, it's 1-8...
hundred, 5-7-9-6-8-5-9.
Okay, that's too many numbers.
Why do I even need
a bank account?
Well, for starters,
to build up your credit,
apply for a loan, buy a house
and get a mortgage,
not to mention
set up a basic
investment portfolio
and formulate a retirement plan.
But without proper
identification,
I can't verify that a...
Nora Lin actually exists.
Sorry.
(whispering)
Hey.
What if you asked me something
that only the real
Nora Lin would know?
I literally know
nothing about you.
(normal voice)
So, I can't cash this check?
Nope.
I... look like
a (bleep) blow-up doll!
Huh?!
Thank you for being so (bleep) lovely.
You're welcome.
Have a nice day.
Yeah!
What are you lookin' at?!
Okay, social... social...
social security card.
What's this?
"Please respond within ten days
or we will close
your bank account."
Okay, so she did...
Oh, Pogs!
Hell, yeah, where's the slammer?
Nora.
Hey!
You think this is nice
for our dinner?
It's my funeral outfit.
Your funeral outfit
is... hot.
♪ I bump it
with a trumpet ♪
♪ Bump, bump, bump ♪
What about your car?
Oh. It's out
gettin' cleaned,
'cause I gotta
make it nice, right?
Because I'm taking you out to
the nicest restaurant
in the city.
Okay. To...
(both shouting in Chinese)
(both chuckling)
I'm gonna make a reservation
for later this week.
Oh. Oh!
And let's go to
a jazz club afterwards.
And we'll pick up some
rough trade!
(to self) God,
why'd I just do that?
Shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit.
(line ringing) (sighs) Okay.
♪ Hellooo ♪
Hey, Edmund.
I need my social security number.
Do you have it?
Are you kidding me?
You don't know your
own social security number?
A lot of people...
don't know their
social security numbers.
Why do you think
I would know that?
Can't you just hack into
the government or somethin'?
Pull up my file?
Oh, my God, grow up.
Just go to
the Social Security Office.
Where?
The Social Security Office.
Where's that now?
The Social Security Off...
You know what?
I don't have time for this.
I have to go to my voice lesson.
You're taking voice lessons?
♪ Goodbye... ♪
Oh, he's gettin' good.
(phone beeping)
♪♪
Oh, my...
It's like a Supreme drop,
am I right?
So, uh, what are you in for?
I just got married and I have to
change the name on my card.
So, marriage, huh?
What's that like,
taking on your husband's name
and wearin' it for life?
I mean, where did feminism
go, right? I mean...
My wife and I are changing
our last names to Timberlake...
because we are big fans.
'Kay?
Okay.
Looks like a lot of paperwork
you got there 'cause, uh,
I-I feel unprepared.
I didn't bring that much.
Oh, yeah.
(chuckles)
I brought all the documentation
this time.
Birth certificate,
marriage license,
proof of address.
I've got my report card
from Cornell,
all my bank account info.
If I have to come back...
(chuckles)
to apply for spousal benefits,
I will flip.
I will seriously flip!
You had to come back here?
Yeah, this is my third time.
I can't do it.
What?
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I just... I can't do it.
I can't do it.
There's no way out.
It's been... three hours!
♪♪
(door chimes)
(door creaking)
("camera" shutter clicks)
(sighs) Come on.
Hi!
How are ya?
Nice to see ya.
Hi.
I had a question
about your, um...
(whispering) fake IDs.
(louder)
Your fake IDs.
(normally) Is there a
special discount, say,
if I wanted to put, like,
my real information on it?
Wait over there!
Oh, man.
So many kids and their fake IDs.
The line is so long.
Actually, that's my bad.
I'm waiting for six IDs.
Six IDs for what?
Oh, for focus groups.
Yeah.
Do you know
what focus groups are?
No. They're groups
where you get paid
to test products before
they go on the market.
Uh-huh.
It's amazing,
and they're always looking
for, like, different demos.
That's inside business
for "demographics."
Mm-hmm. That's why I get
a bunch of different IDs.
Yeah.
It's really easy cash.
Oh, man.
Yeah, I need cash.
I have this, like,
one check on me
and it's ruining my life.
It's like...
Checks?
That's how the government
keeps tabs on you.
You don't need checks.
Yeah, I don't need...
I don't need checks.
Yeah, for real.
You know what?
You should do
a focus group or two.
I think you'd be amazing at it
because I can't tell if
you're nine or ninety-nine.
I'm not saying you have
a sex slave kinda look,
but it could help.
Are you, like, a citizen?
Wh... how do you mean?
Doesn't matter.
Okay.
Your English is so
good, by the way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I think you'd be
amazing for focus groups.
Yeah, I think you're amazing.
You stick with me,
boo-boo. I got you.
♪♪
So, what did everyone
think of the apple juice?
Let's start with our high school
student from Jackson Heights.
Tiffie X. Baybee.
Um...
(clears throat)
♪ We-we get it
we-we-we get it ♪
It was, like, so good.
♪ We-we get it ♪
Almost like a liquid apple pie.
♪ We-we get it
we-we-we get it ♪
Mmm!
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmm.
As a blogger and a mom,
I-I just think this
barbecue sauce too tangy.
And as the Puerto Rican
Paula Deen
of my neighborhood, I concur.
♪ What-what-wha-what
What-wha-what ♪
♪ We got two cups ♪
Charmaine Dragontooth,
48-year-old retired male person.
Eric Chao, 19 1/2,
and I'm a boy.
♪♪
Yeah, actually Tiffie told me
it reminded her of apple pie.
I liked it so much
that I would love to bring
a whole liter to my high school,
of which I am a student.
And I would love to
share it with my bestest
unnies, hyungs, and nunas,
um, over at the KFC,
which stands for the Korean
Foundation for Christians.
♪ Come fill it up
Come-come fill it up ♪
I just adopted him.
Yeah, I became a Rockefeller,
um, through marriage, obviously.
Yeah, and you know what?
As a size-18 Cuban
Republican, I concur.
♪ I'm sippin' on that lean... ♪
We can take these
with us, right?
♪ Come fill it up
♪ Come-come fill it up
Fill it up ♪
♪ We get it
We-we-we get it ♪
♪ We-we get it
We get it, surrender ♪
♪ We-we get it
We-we-we get it ♪
♪ We-we get it
We get it, surrender ♪
♪ We-we get it
We get it, surren-ren-ren ♪
♪ I'm trippin' on that lean
not that hood stuff ♪
♪ I'm trippin' I be lean
on the good stuff ♪
♪ I'm trippin' I be leanin'
off that hood stuff ♪
♪ Wh-wh-what
We got two cups ♪
♪ I'm trippin' I be leanin'
off that hood stuff ♪
♪ I'm trippin' I be
leanin' off that hood stuff ♪
♪ Wh-wh-what
We got two cups ♪
♪♪
Hi, there.
Hi.
How are ya?
How are you?
Lolo Chen and Nina Winn
here for the Pillow
Princess focus group.
Okay.
Excuse me.
God! We are such
a good team.
We are.
God, I hop... I hope
they have water on this one
'cause I ate so many
Saltines at that last one...
Yeah. (whispering) my tongue swelled up
to, like, a raisin.
Oh, I thought that's just, like,
what, like, Asian girls'
tongues look like.
No.
I don't know.
What am I, Dr. Oz?
(both chuckle)
I think you're actually
an enhanced version
of Meghan Markle.
This is amazing.
I'm gonna write a memoir about this.
I'd love to be involved somehow.
(gasps) Could you be
my ghostwriter?
Yeah!
But, um... don't make it
too spooky, you know?
Oh, shit!
Stay right there!
Hey!
Oh, hell, no!
Oh!
Oh, hell, no!
Oh, no!
No!
Help us! Go!
Oh!
Whoa! I can't run!
Nope. Nope, nope, nope.
Fine!
(male detective) So,
Nora, you want to tell us
how long you've been
working with Margaret?
Who is Margaret?
(both detectives sigh)
Oh. Oh!
Oh!
Oh.
I do know her.
Yes, I do.
I do know her.
Um...
I-I guess I never got her name.
How long have the two of
you been partners?
Partners? I mean...
it was like one kiss.
Real quick, no tongue.
This is Margaret
Katherine Willincotty.
She's a professional
scam artist,
wanted by the FBI in
four states for fraud,
embezzlement,
money laundering...
No.
No, no, no. No.
No, I... she was...
She seemed real nice.
I met her in line gettin'
fake IDs, all right?
I was in line to get fake IDs
and she was all like,
"I can't tell if
you're 12 or 47."
And I took that as a compliment.
So, you weren't in Nashville,
Tennessee on April 23rd?
No, no. I've never
left the Tri-State area.
I can believe that.
I just, um...
(voice cracking)
I just wanted to
make some money.
Wanted to bail my car
out of car jail
and take my grandma to dinner.
I really want to
call her right now.
(sniffles)
♪♪
She's no criminal.
She's nobody.
I heard that.
Okay.
This is depressing.
♪♪
It's really interesting.
(laughs)
That prostitute with one hand,
I'm glad it didn't
ruin her career.
Yeah.
(chuckling)
(sighs)
Grandma, I'm sorry.
Aww.
Just like a sad nobody.
What?! No, no.
Over here, sit down.
You know, it's just...
There are all these things
that I don't know about,
and, um... I-I don't
want to get left behind.
Oh, bow-bow.
You were born
the Year of the Monkey.
The monkey is stubborn.
If the monkey
had asked for help,
she would have known that I
have your social security card.
You have my social
security card?
Oh, yes! I keep it in
my business box.
I also have a business box, too.
Yes, I know but,
uh, mine is better.
It has documents of
actual purpose inside.
Grandma, I'm sorry that
we weren't able to go
to jazz club rough trade.
Oh, that's okay.
God, you must be
so disappointed.
No, bow-bow.
You could never disappoint me.
You are the "Magic:
The Gathering" champion.
Oh, I remember that game
like it was yesterday.
Lord of Eiganjo.
My opponent was like,
"Ooh, ooh no.
Got a Glitterfang."
A what?
Nope!
Because my... my Gibbering Kami
as like do-do-do-do-doo.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
We brought the whole house down.
Man, he shit his pants.
♪♪
(upbeat hip hop music)
♪ Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! ♪
♪ Get up
Everybody get up ♪
♪♪
Hello.
Hi.
Remember me?
Um, I would like to reopen
my bank account, please.
As you will find here,
I have my birth certificate.
Yes, I was born.
Great.
Social security card, right?
There ya go. All right. Yeah.
Me in elementary school
as a baby.
I went to school when
I was a baby.
Huh.
Yeah.
Actually, we're good
with the IDs.
And, uh, this check here,
that I would love to cash
after I reopen my account.
Thank you very much.
I'm a very important
customer here.
Don't mess with me.
I know people.
I'll... I'll get that taken
care of right away, Mrs. Lin.
Yeah.
(keyboard clacking)
Whoa, Grandma, that was...
You're intense.
(computer beeps)
Uh, Miss Lin.
Your account has been
reactivated
and the check has been deposited.
Cool.
And, because you're technically
opening a new account,
I can offer you
a $25 signing bonus.
I would love that.
Thank you.
Uh, would you like it
deposited into the account?
In cash, please!
Because I would like to use it
to take my grandma to dinner.
Oh, Nora.
You don't have to.
I want to.
Here you go.
I want crispy bills for
my granddaughter,
None of that wrinkly shit that
you pull out of your asshole.
(chuckles)
Okay.
(sweetly) Pleasure
doing business with you.
You too, Mrs. Lin.
Always a pleasure.
Bye.
♪♪
(tranquil music)
Ahh...
cheers to Nora
for getting her car back.
You know, I actually
enjoyed doing focus groups
and I-I think that
a part of me was...
actually pretty good at it.
Yes, you were!
Proud of you.
Thanks, Grandma.
S-speaking of,
what do you think of your,
uh, beef noodle?
You really want to know?
Yeah, a-and expand
on it as well.
Well, this looks like spaghetti.
It looks like what
the white people did
when they went and traveled the
Silk Road next to the Chinese,
who were so trusting and giving
and sharing their recipe.
And then they come home,
and they put
some stupid tomato
sauce on it and...
You'd be great at focus groups
if you were just, like,
a little less racist.
What racist?
Wha-what do you mean?
What?
What racist?
You're not racist.
No, I'm not racist.
No.
Gee, whiz.
I wish this didn't look
so much like spaghetti.
Anyway, uh,
what a lovely dinner,
and I'm so glad we were
able to eat...
Chinese...
anyway, forget it.
Huh?
Guess what today is.
Uh, is it National
Spaghetti Day?
The day that the Chinese
gave the recipe to
the (bleep) white people?
They call it Italian?
Aw, man!
No, wait.
That's January the fourth.
No. No, Grandma,
today is when
I get my car outta impound.
Out of the tow yard!
Love after lockup!
See this?
It's a check from Nancy.
379 big boys.
Oh, bow-bow.
I'm so proud of you.
Proud like when I won that...
"Magic: The Gathering"
tournament back in 7th grade?
Ah, here we go.
(dramatic music)
I remember that game
like it was yesterday.
My Loam Dweller was at a 2/2,
my Villainous Ogre at 3/2.
Oh, I had this
Orochi Sustainer but...
it wasn't enough.
My Moss Kami,
he was backed by this
removal spell, but...
(sighs)
couldn't have made
a significant impact.
Then...
then, I drew the...
The greatest card of all time,
the Lord of Eiganjo.
My opponent tried to throw
it down with a Glitterfang,
but mmm, my Gibbering Kami
brought the whole house down.
I looked my opponent
in the eyes,
he was shiverin' in his boots.
Didn't he die?
Yeah, that guy...
yeah, he died.
But anyway,
I'm taking you out, girl!
To a fancy place, with this.
(both shouting in Chinese)
Ha ha!
Yeah!
I'm gonna take you out
for some "cherra"...
"cherraskaree,"
"cherraskaria."
Anyway, I gotta go.
I'm gonna wear my funeral suit!
Whip it out, girl!
♪♪
Hey, Faruque!
Hi, Nora!
Looks like you're having
a good day.
Oh, I am. I'm gettin'
my car out of jail.
Cool!
You want a free kebab?
They're from yesterday
so they're extra gamy.
Oh, my G... Yes!
(laughing)
Oh, it's a big boy!
Yeah!
Thanks, Faruque.
♪ It starts in my toes ♪
♪ Makes me crinkle
my nose ♪
♪ Wherever it goes ♪
Well, I guess
the search is over,
'cause I found a old-ass
Bobby Fischer.
Bye, guys.
Have a good one.
♪ Just take your time
wherever you go ♪
♪ It starts in my toes ♪
♪ Makes me crinkle
my nose ♪
♪ Wherever it goes
I always know ♪
♪ That you make me smile ♪
♪ Please stay for awhile now ♪
♪ Just take your time
wherever you go ♪
♪ Wherever you go ♪♪
Hello.
Hello... (door rattling)
(distant dog barking)
Hello?
(eerie music)
(clattering)
Oh!
(cat meow echoes)
(birds chirping)
My baby!
(angelic choir)
Yeah!
My sweet baby!
Yes?
Oh!
I'm sorry.
I didn't see you...
come out from there.
Can I help you?
Yeah, I'm just here
actually to...
To get my car out of prison.
Number 3-4-0-2.
Um, so sorry,
I'm a little sweaty.
I just walked all the way
from Elmhurst.
I don't have sweat glands.
Oh. Everything just
stays inside me.
Oh. Every day is a nightmare.
'Kay.
Is your car your baby?
No.
Did you birth it?
N-No, I-I bought... Um, you know,
I just wanted to...
bail my car out.
Do... Do you...
Do you accept checks?
We don't accept checks.
Why?
Because!
Checks are annoying.
I have to put it in a ledger,
fill out a ton of paperwork.
I don't got the time for that.
I've got a lot going on.
Do you wanna hang out sometime?
I-I can't.
I just... I can't.
Uh, I can't do it.
Anyway, um...
(singing fading in)
(Edmund) ♪ You've got me
feeling like a child now ♪
♪ 'Cause every time
I see your bubbly face ♪
♪ I get the tingles in
a silly place ♪
♪ It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose ♪
♪ Wherever it goes
I always know ♪
♪ That you make me smile
Please stay for awhile now ♪
♪ Just take your time
wherever you go ♪
♪ Rain is fallin' on
my window pane ♪
♪ But we are hidin' in
a safer place ♪
♪ Under covers
stayin' dry and warm ♪
♪ You give me feelings
that I adore ♪
♪ It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose ♪
♪ Wherever it goes
I always know ♪
♪ That you make me smile
Please stay for awhile now ♪
♪ Just take your time
wherever you go ♪
♪ Wherever ♪
♪ Wherever ♪
♪ Wherever you go ♪♪
Yes!
(clears throat)
(breathless) Hi. Hello.
I would love to...
cash this... here check.
Okay.
If I may?
Thank you.
Name on the account, please.
Yes, it's Nora,
N-O-R-A, no "H."
(both chuckling)
Lin, L-I-N.
Nora Lin, Forley Road, Elmhurst?
That is correct, yes.
It says here you're dead.
Sorry, what?!
The bank automatically
closes accounts
that have been
inactive for two years.
We assume you died.
No.
No, no. No.
I am... I am alive!
Here's what I can do.
(sighs)
If you want to
reopen your account,
I just need a form
of identification.
Yes. Actually, I can
accommodate with that.
(softly)
Okay, here we go, that's...
Yes.
Thank you.
This is expired.
Where does it say that?
No, no.
Because this license is expired,
I'm legally obligated
to do this.
Oh. Oh. Oh!
(plastic snaps)
Oh!
Oh... Do you have another
form of identification?
Do you know your
social security number?
Yes!
Yes, I know it.
Um, it's 1-8...
hundred, 5-7-9-6-8-5-9.
Okay, that's too many numbers.
Why do I even need
a bank account?
Well, for starters,
to build up your credit,
apply for a loan, buy a house
and get a mortgage,
not to mention
set up a basic
investment portfolio
and formulate a retirement plan.
But without proper
identification,
I can't verify that a...
Nora Lin actually exists.
Sorry.
(whispering)
Hey.
What if you asked me something
that only the real
Nora Lin would know?
I literally know
nothing about you.
(normal voice)
So, I can't cash this check?
Nope.
I... look like
a (bleep) blow-up doll!
Huh?!
Thank you for being so (bleep) lovely.
You're welcome.
Have a nice day.
Yeah!
What are you lookin' at?!
Okay, social... social...
social security card.
What's this?
"Please respond within ten days
or we will close
your bank account."
Okay, so she did...
Oh, Pogs!
Hell, yeah, where's the slammer?
Nora.
Hey!
You think this is nice
for our dinner?
It's my funeral outfit.
Your funeral outfit
is... hot.
♪ I bump it
with a trumpet ♪
♪ Bump, bump, bump ♪
What about your car?
Oh. It's out
gettin' cleaned,
'cause I gotta
make it nice, right?
Because I'm taking you out to
the nicest restaurant
in the city.
Okay. To...
(both shouting in Chinese)
(both chuckling)
I'm gonna make a reservation
for later this week.
Oh. Oh!
And let's go to
a jazz club afterwards.
And we'll pick up some
rough trade!
(to self) God,
why'd I just do that?
Shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit.
(line ringing) (sighs) Okay.
♪ Hellooo ♪
Hey, Edmund.
I need my social security number.
Do you have it?
Are you kidding me?
You don't know your
own social security number?
A lot of people...
don't know their
social security numbers.
Why do you think
I would know that?
Can't you just hack into
the government or somethin'?
Pull up my file?
Oh, my God, grow up.
Just go to
the Social Security Office.
Where?
The Social Security Office.
Where's that now?
The Social Security Off...
You know what?
I don't have time for this.
I have to go to my voice lesson.
You're taking voice lessons?
♪ Goodbye... ♪
Oh, he's gettin' good.
(phone beeping)
♪♪
Oh, my...
It's like a Supreme drop,
am I right?
So, uh, what are you in for?
I just got married and I have to
change the name on my card.
So, marriage, huh?
What's that like,
taking on your husband's name
and wearin' it for life?
I mean, where did feminism
go, right? I mean...
My wife and I are changing
our last names to Timberlake...
because we are big fans.
'Kay?
Okay.
Looks like a lot of paperwork
you got there 'cause, uh,
I-I feel unprepared.
I didn't bring that much.
Oh, yeah.
(chuckles)
I brought all the documentation
this time.
Birth certificate,
marriage license,
proof of address.
I've got my report card
from Cornell,
all my bank account info.
If I have to come back...
(chuckles)
to apply for spousal benefits,
I will flip.
I will seriously flip!
You had to come back here?
Yeah, this is my third time.
I can't do it.
What?
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I just... I can't do it.
I can't do it.
There's no way out.
It's been... three hours!
♪♪
(door chimes)
(door creaking)
("camera" shutter clicks)
(sighs) Come on.
Hi!
How are ya?
Nice to see ya.
Hi.
I had a question
about your, um...
(whispering) fake IDs.
(louder)
Your fake IDs.
(normally) Is there a
special discount, say,
if I wanted to put, like,
my real information on it?
Wait over there!
Oh, man.
So many kids and their fake IDs.
The line is so long.
Actually, that's my bad.
I'm waiting for six IDs.
Six IDs for what?
Oh, for focus groups.
Yeah.
Do you know
what focus groups are?
No. They're groups
where you get paid
to test products before
they go on the market.
Uh-huh.
It's amazing,
and they're always looking
for, like, different demos.
That's inside business
for "demographics."
Mm-hmm. That's why I get
a bunch of different IDs.
Yeah.
It's really easy cash.
Oh, man.
Yeah, I need cash.
I have this, like,
one check on me
and it's ruining my life.
It's like...
Checks?
That's how the government
keeps tabs on you.
You don't need checks.
Yeah, I don't need...
I don't need checks.
Yeah, for real.
You know what?
You should do
a focus group or two.
I think you'd be amazing at it
because I can't tell if
you're nine or ninety-nine.
I'm not saying you have
a sex slave kinda look,
but it could help.
Are you, like, a citizen?
Wh... how do you mean?
Doesn't matter.
Okay.
Your English is so
good, by the way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I think you'd be
amazing for focus groups.
Yeah, I think you're amazing.
You stick with me,
boo-boo. I got you.
♪♪
So, what did everyone
think of the apple juice?
Let's start with our high school
student from Jackson Heights.
Tiffie X. Baybee.
Um...
(clears throat)
♪ We-we get it
we-we-we get it ♪
It was, like, so good.
♪ We-we get it ♪
Almost like a liquid apple pie.
♪ We-we get it
we-we-we get it ♪
Mmm!
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmm.
As a blogger and a mom,
I-I just think this
barbecue sauce too tangy.
And as the Puerto Rican
Paula Deen
of my neighborhood, I concur.
♪ What-what-wha-what
What-wha-what ♪
♪ We got two cups ♪
Charmaine Dragontooth,
48-year-old retired male person.
Eric Chao, 19 1/2,
and I'm a boy.
♪♪
Yeah, actually Tiffie told me
it reminded her of apple pie.
I liked it so much
that I would love to bring
a whole liter to my high school,
of which I am a student.
And I would love to
share it with my bestest
unnies, hyungs, and nunas,
um, over at the KFC,
which stands for the Korean
Foundation for Christians.
♪ Come fill it up
Come-come fill it up ♪
I just adopted him.
Yeah, I became a Rockefeller,
um, through marriage, obviously.
Yeah, and you know what?
As a size-18 Cuban
Republican, I concur.
♪ I'm sippin' on that lean... ♪
We can take these
with us, right?
♪ Come fill it up
♪ Come-come fill it up
Fill it up ♪
♪ We get it
We-we-we get it ♪
♪ We-we get it
We get it, surrender ♪
♪ We-we get it
We-we-we get it ♪
♪ We-we get it
We get it, surrender ♪
♪ We-we get it
We get it, surren-ren-ren ♪
♪ I'm trippin' on that lean
not that hood stuff ♪
♪ I'm trippin' I be lean
on the good stuff ♪
♪ I'm trippin' I be leanin'
off that hood stuff ♪
♪ Wh-wh-what
We got two cups ♪
♪ I'm trippin' I be leanin'
off that hood stuff ♪
♪ I'm trippin' I be
leanin' off that hood stuff ♪
♪ Wh-wh-what
We got two cups ♪
♪♪
Hi, there.
Hi.
How are ya?
How are you?
Lolo Chen and Nina Winn
here for the Pillow
Princess focus group.
Okay.
Excuse me.
God! We are such
a good team.
We are.
God, I hop... I hope
they have water on this one
'cause I ate so many
Saltines at that last one...
Yeah. (whispering) my tongue swelled up
to, like, a raisin.
Oh, I thought that's just, like,
what, like, Asian girls'
tongues look like.
No.
I don't know.
What am I, Dr. Oz?
(both chuckle)
I think you're actually
an enhanced version
of Meghan Markle.
This is amazing.
I'm gonna write a memoir about this.
I'd love to be involved somehow.
(gasps) Could you be
my ghostwriter?
Yeah!
But, um... don't make it
too spooky, you know?
Oh, shit!
Stay right there!
Hey!
Oh, hell, no!
Oh!
Oh, hell, no!
Oh, no!
No!
Help us! Go!
Oh!
Whoa! I can't run!
Nope. Nope, nope, nope.
Fine!
(male detective) So,
Nora, you want to tell us
how long you've been
working with Margaret?
Who is Margaret?
(both detectives sigh)
Oh. Oh!
Oh!
Oh.
I do know her.
Yes, I do.
I do know her.
Um...
I-I guess I never got her name.
How long have the two of
you been partners?
Partners? I mean...
it was like one kiss.
Real quick, no tongue.
This is Margaret
Katherine Willincotty.
She's a professional
scam artist,
wanted by the FBI in
four states for fraud,
embezzlement,
money laundering...
No.
No, no, no. No.
No, I... she was...
She seemed real nice.
I met her in line gettin'
fake IDs, all right?
I was in line to get fake IDs
and she was all like,
"I can't tell if
you're 12 or 47."
And I took that as a compliment.
So, you weren't in Nashville,
Tennessee on April 23rd?
No, no. I've never
left the Tri-State area.
I can believe that.
I just, um...
(voice cracking)
I just wanted to
make some money.
Wanted to bail my car
out of car jail
and take my grandma to dinner.
I really want to
call her right now.
(sniffles)
♪♪
She's no criminal.
She's nobody.
I heard that.
Okay.
This is depressing.
♪♪
It's really interesting.
(laughs)
That prostitute with one hand,
I'm glad it didn't
ruin her career.
Yeah.
(chuckling)
(sighs)
Grandma, I'm sorry.
Aww.
Just like a sad nobody.
What?! No, no.
Over here, sit down.
You know, it's just...
There are all these things
that I don't know about,
and, um... I-I don't
want to get left behind.
Oh, bow-bow.
You were born
the Year of the Monkey.
The monkey is stubborn.
If the monkey
had asked for help,
she would have known that I
have your social security card.
You have my social
security card?
Oh, yes! I keep it in
my business box.
I also have a business box, too.
Yes, I know but,
uh, mine is better.
It has documents of
actual purpose inside.
Grandma, I'm sorry that
we weren't able to go
to jazz club rough trade.
Oh, that's okay.
God, you must be
so disappointed.
No, bow-bow.
You could never disappoint me.
You are the "Magic:
The Gathering" champion.
Oh, I remember that game
like it was yesterday.
Lord of Eiganjo.
My opponent was like,
"Ooh, ooh no.
Got a Glitterfang."
A what?
Nope!
Because my... my Gibbering Kami
as like do-do-do-do-doo.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
We brought the whole house down.
Man, he shit his pants.
♪♪
(upbeat hip hop music)
♪ Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! ♪
♪ Get up
Everybody get up ♪
♪♪
Hello.
Hi.
Remember me?
Um, I would like to reopen
my bank account, please.
As you will find here,
I have my birth certificate.
Yes, I was born.
Great.
Social security card, right?
There ya go. All right. Yeah.
Me in elementary school
as a baby.
I went to school when
I was a baby.
Huh.
Yeah.
Actually, we're good
with the IDs.
And, uh, this check here,
that I would love to cash
after I reopen my account.
Thank you very much.
I'm a very important
customer here.
Don't mess with me.
I know people.
I'll... I'll get that taken
care of right away, Mrs. Lin.
Yeah.
(keyboard clacking)
Whoa, Grandma, that was...
You're intense.
(computer beeps)
Uh, Miss Lin.
Your account has been
reactivated
and the check has been deposited.
Cool.
And, because you're technically
opening a new account,
I can offer you
a $25 signing bonus.
I would love that.
Thank you.
Uh, would you like it
deposited into the account?
In cash, please!
Because I would like to use it
to take my grandma to dinner.
Oh, Nora.
You don't have to.
I want to.
Here you go.
I want crispy bills for
my granddaughter,
None of that wrinkly shit that
you pull out of your asshole.
(chuckles)
Okay.
(sweetly) Pleasure
doing business with you.
You too, Mrs. Lin.
Always a pleasure.
Bye.
♪♪
(tranquil music)
Ahh...
cheers to Nora
for getting her car back.
You know, I actually
enjoyed doing focus groups
and I-I think that
a part of me was...
actually pretty good at it.
Yes, you were!
Proud of you.
Thanks, Grandma.
S-speaking of,
what do you think of your,
uh, beef noodle?
You really want to know?
Yeah, a-and expand
on it as well.
Well, this looks like spaghetti.
It looks like what
the white people did
when they went and traveled the
Silk Road next to the Chinese,
who were so trusting and giving
and sharing their recipe.
And then they come home,
and they put
some stupid tomato
sauce on it and...
You'd be great at focus groups
if you were just, like,
a little less racist.
What racist?
Wha-what do you mean?
What?
What racist?
You're not racist.
No, I'm not racist.
No.
Gee, whiz.
I wish this didn't look
so much like spaghetti.
Anyway, uh,
what a lovely dinner,
and I'm so glad we were
able to eat...
Chinese...
anyway, forget it.