Austin & Ally (2011–2016): Season 3, Episode 9 - Cupids & Cuties - full transcript

I can't believe the
showers are broken

the day coach Pollard
makes us run five miles.

I can't believe you always wear
so much makeup to gym class.

Some of us care how
we look, Ally.

Guess what I'm ing this weekend?

A homework assignment
for physics class.

I'm so excited.

I'm sorry, have we met?

Ally, that's Austin.

I get to make paper airplanes.

How fun is that?



More importantly, you get to learn
about the science of aerodynamics.

Huh.

Suddenly, it doesn't
sound fun anymore.

Well, I'm gonna be
busy this weekend too.

Yeah, because your skater
boyfriend's coming into town.

- Ooh.
- Skater.

Guys, stop.

Jace is not my boyfriend.

He's just some guy that
we all met on tour.

Who's coming all the way
from Albuquerque to see you.

- Ooh.
- Boyfriend.

Albuquerque.

Guys, seriously.
It's not big deal.

If it's no big deal, why do you have
his signed cast in your locker?



Because he broke his wrist doing
a trick he named after me.

The 360 Trish-flip.

It's difficult and will
break you if you mess up.

Like me.

Hey, if you need dating help,
you should talk to Dr. Cupid.

Oh, the advice guy on the
Marino high website?

If Dr. Cupid was any good,
people would know who he was.

I don't trust anyone who
has to hide their face.

Aah!

Jace wants to video chat.

I have to hide my face.
Cover for me!

Hey, Jace.

Oh, hey, Dez.

Uh, where's Trish?

Oh. Trish can't talk right now

because she's looking
all nasty and sweaty.

Be thankful you can't smell her

- because it is...
- Whoa-ho-ho!

Are you trying to make
Jace not like me?

I thought you said he
wasn't a big deal.

Well... Maybe he is.

I knew it!

You do like him.
You're blushing.

Nope, that's just
your sweaty makeup.

Okay.

I like Jace.

I really really like him.

I just don't want
him to know yet.

I heard that.

♪ When the crowd wants more ♪

♪ I bring on the thunder

♪ 'cause you've got my back

♪ and I'm not going under

♪ you're my point,
you're my guard ♪

♪ you're the perfect chord ♪

♪ and I see our names
together on every billboard ♪

♪ we're headed for the top,
we've got it on lock ♪

♪ we'll make 'em say "hey!" ♪

♪ and we'll keep rockin'

♪ oh, there's no way I
could make it without ya ♪

♪ do it without ya,
be here without ya ♪

♪ it's no fun when
you're doing it solo ♪

♪ with you it's like,
"whoa," yeah, and I know ♪

♪ I own this dream

♪ 'cause I got you with me

♪ there's no way I could
make it without ya ♪

♪ do it without ya,
be here without ya. ♪

Lady and gentleman, the historic
first flight of Austin airlines.

Austin, aerodynamics
is very complex.

They gave you a physics
book for a reason.

You should use it.

Great idea.

This page looks helpful.

No, that's not what I...

never mind.

Jace's plane is about to land.

I'm so nervous.

Why? Did Austin build it?

No, I'm nervous because
we're going out to dinner.

I really want him to like me.

Then why don't you ask that Dr.
Cupid guy for help?

Only desperate losers go to Dr.
stupid.

Uh, it's Dr. Cupid,
and he's brilliant.

If you don't want to go to him,

why don't you ask me for advice?

After all, they do call me...

The love whisperer.

No one calls you that.

Nothing personal, Dez,

but I wouldn't go to you
for relationship advice

if you were the last
person on earth.

Ah, but if I was the
last person on earth,

you wouldn't need advice
because you wouldn't be there.

Unless you were the
last person on earth.

In which case, I
wouldn't be there.

And that kind of crazy logic

is exactly why I would
never come to you.

Hmm. Your loss, lady.

What am I gonna do
about this date?

Look, you don't need Dez or Dr.
Cupid.

I'll give you advice.

You know how you always
say what's on your mind?

Oh boy, here we go.

Yeah.

Maybe you should be
a little more...

Not like that.

Also, I know when you get you get
defensive and call people names.

I don't get defensive, you doof.

Yeah, like that. Don't do that.

And wear something
extra special.

And laugh at everything he says.

So what I'm hearing from both
of you is don't be myself?

It doesn't sound great when you
say it like that, but yes.

Trish.

It's so awesome to see you.

Jace. Muah. Muah.

It is truly a pleasure.

Uh... Thanks?

I hope I didn't
keep you waiting.

No worries.

I played drums with
the bread sticks,

and I built a house out
of the bread sticks,

and I ate the bread sticks.

Yeah.

There's a lot of things you
can do with bread sticks.

That is so interesting.

I am just so interested
in everything you say.

Yeah. Thanks again.

There's that sense of
humor I admire so much.

It wasn't a joke.

Hi, I'm Carrie.

This is my first night.

I'm so excited. I can't
wait to serve you.

Oh. Wait a sec.

Hi, mom.

No, I'm not busy.

No way! You got new curtains?

Excuse me?

Can you bring us some water?

Of course not, silly.

I'm on the phone.

Sorry, mom.

Some customer's on a date.

I don't think it's going well.

Good luck.

Can you believe
that space cadet?

Now now, Jace.

No name calling.

Let's not be rude.

No name calling?

You can't go five minutes
without calling someone

a doof.

You seem really different.

Is everything okay?

Just being my positive,
not-mean self.

Are you positive
you're positive?

'Cause the Trish I know
is pretty negative.

Oh, Jace.

There's that sense
of humor again.

It's like the harder I tried,

the worse the date got.

I don't understand.

You and Jace got along so well

back in Albuquerque.

Well, now that
he's actually here

something feels different.

I kind of know how that is.

When Austin and I dated,
everything changed.

- It was...
- Hello, talking about me right now.

Me and Jace are supposed to
hang out again tomorrow.

What am I gonna do?

Oh.

Well, there is that Dr.
Cupid thing.

That help column for
desperate losers?

Give me your laptop.

Okay.

I'll just tell him
what's going on,

ask for his advice, hit send.

Now we just wait for
him to respond.

It could be a while before...

Well, that was quick.

Huh.

Dr. Cupid thinks I was
trying too hard on my date.

He thinks I should
just be myself

"if he don't like
you for who you is,

he ain't worth it."

Hmm.

That's good advice.

Bad grammar, but good advice.

Man, building a plane is hard.

At least that one
didn't go behind you

like the other ones.

Tell you what, Austin.

I'll help you.

You're clearly in
way over your head.

Thanks, Ally.

Wait.

I can't believe you
told that woman

to shave her mustache.

Well, you're the one who
said "what's up, bro?"

Not my fault she
looked like a dude.

You guys look happy.

Yeah, I finally got to hang
out with normal Trish.

Not that weird, polite Trish.

Yeah, that Trish was
pretty annoying.

We just had the best day ever.

I gave him a tour of all
the places I've worked.

So I basically got
to see all of Miami.

Well, I'm gonna go
get you some fro-yo

with rainbow sprinkles
and cookie crumbs.

Sweeties for my sweetie.

I am pretty sweet, aren't I?

Why are you still standing here?

That's my Trish.

Looks like you might have
yourself a boyfriend.

Yeah.

He knows your favorite toppings

and likes it when
you're mean to him.

He's a keeper.

And I owe it all to Dr. Cupid.

His advice was perfect.

The guy's a love genius.

What is wrong with you?

I know who Dr. Cupid is,

and when I tell you, you
are going to freak out.

- Well, who is he?
- He's me.

I'm Dr. Cupid.

- No way.
- What?

That's impossible.

Then how do I know

that you sent Dr. Cupid
a thank you note

that said "I wish I could
give you a big hug."

Oh!

You are Dr. Cupid!

I'll take that big hug now.

How could you not
tell your best friend

about your secret identity?

You didn't tell me you
were an international spy

posing as a pop star

to steal the government's
musical secrets.

Because I'm not.

Right.

I can't believe I
took advice from you.

And it worked!

You know, if you think about it,

Dez says some pretty
smart things.

Actually, don't think about it.

Just be happy he helped you.

What can I say?

It's a gift.

I just wish I could share it

with more people
around the world

so they can let their
love fly free.

De seriously though,
you give great advice.

Why don't you let people
know who you are?

I guess I'm just afraid people
wouldn't take it seriously

if they know I was the one
giving them love advice.

Well, we're gonna change that.

Since you helped me,
I'm gonna help you.

I'm gonna introduce the world to Dr.
Cupid.

- Really?
- Yes.

We'll do radio interviews,

TV shows, book
deals, everything.

I'll even write a Dr.
Cupid theme song.

Ally, for the last time,

not everything's about you.

I really hope Dez's radio
interview goes well.

After what he did
for me and Jace,

I really want to
see him succeed.

Now that you have a boyfriend,

it's like you're a totally
different person.

When Dr. Cupid blows up,

I'll make millions.

Maybe not that different.

Welcome to love chat,
pretty babies.

This is dj Sonny smooth,

and today, we have a
very special guest,

Marino high school's love guru, Dr.
Cupid.

Great to be here.

Do I have to talk like
this the whole time?

No, that's my thing.

Aw, too bad.

This is fun.

Seriously, don't do that.

Okay, we've got a bunch
of love questions

from our listeners.

Happy to answer them.

"Me and my girlfriend go
to different schools,

so I don't get to
see her enough.

I'm afraid I'm gonna lose her."

You need to make the
moments you spend together

so memorable that she
can't wait to see you.

Bring her flowers or a goat.

A goat?

I never thought about
giving my lady

a farm animal.

That's smooth.

Here's another one.

"I'm dating this guy.

I love hanging with him,

but I'm not sure I love him."

When you're in love, u'll know.

The whole world is brighter.

Pizza tastes better,
goats are cuter.

Wow.

You know a lot about love.

And goats.

I bet you're quite
the ladies' man.

Oh, I've never
actually been in love.

I've never even
had a girlfriend.

In fact, I've never
been on a date.

So if you've never
been on a date,

how can you call
yourself a love expert?

Because I have this doctor coat

that says "Dr. Cupid"?

And this thing, and this thing.

So what I'm hearing is

you are completely
unqualified to give advice

on love.

I guess I am unqualified.

You heard it here
first, pretty babies.

Dr. Cupid is a huge fraud.

Hey, lly. Ready to help me

build my paper airplane?

Nope.

Because I finished the
whole thing last night.

Ta-da!

Wow.

Is that a flight attendant?

Yep. See how she's handing out
those tiny bags of pretzels?

Thanks for doing all this, Ally,

but I feel kind of weird
that I didn't help at all.

Well, there's still
one decal to put on.

You can do that.

Okay.

Not there.

Not there.

- Ooh.
- You know what?

I'll just do it.

- Hey, Dez.
- What's the point?

Um, the point of saying "hello"?

You heard dj Sonny smooth.

I'm a fraud.

This is why I didn't want
anyone to know I'm Dr. Cupid.

You still give great advice.

It doesn't matter.

Everybody has somebody
except for me.

Trish has Jace,

the president has
the first lady,

you guys have your weird thing.

I'm done giving advice on love.

'Cause I'm never
gonna find love.

Dez, you can't give up.

You're... The love whisperer.

Nobody calls me that.

Dez, wait. Come back.

I feel terrible for him.

Me too.

Why are we whispering?

I don't know.

♪ Table for one ♪
at the lonely cafe

♪ I'm on a date by myself ♪

♪ and it's my birthday.

Are you trying to write a song?

I don't know.

It's what Ally does
when she's upset.

Yeah, but I know
how to play piano.

Dez, you have a lot
to offer a girl.

You're funny, you're smart.

You're creative.
You've got style.

Oh, did you want me
to say something?

Uh... You have red hair.
Your name is Dez.

Thanks, Trish.

Dez, you shouldn't
give up on love.

You can't just quit something
because it seems hard.

There's a girl out
there for you.

Any girl would be
lucky to have you.

You're right.

Maybe I haven't
tried hard enough.

You know what? I'm
not gonna give up.

I'm gonna go out there
and find me a girl.

Whoo! Yeah!

Oh, I see you're reading "the
case of the missing diamonds."

I read that too.

Did you get to the end

where you find out the
detective stole the diamonds?

Oh! I did not see that coming.

Don't feel so bad.

At least now she doesn't
have to read the whole book.

Poor Dez.

He is such a catch.

Again, I have no idea
where that came from.

We have to do something.

I have an idea.

There's only one person
who can help Dez.

Dr. Cupid.

We'll get Dez to
give himself advice.

That doesn't make
any sense at all.

Exactly.

Neither does Dez.

Hey, Dez.

We know that Dr.
Cupid is retired,

but we have a really good
friend who needs help.

What's his name?

Uh, zed.

- Bob.
- Mordecai.

Well, tell zed Bob
mordecai to give up.

Love is a big waste of time.

At least listen to his problem.

Fine.

"Dear Dr. Cupid,

I've tried everything
to meet a girl.

Exercise near them,

ruined endings of
books for them,

but nothing's worked.

Please tell me what to do.

You're my only hope."

What a loser.

He's clearly trying too hard.

You can't force love.

You have to let
love come to you.

That's great advice, Dez.

Maybe you should take it.

What?

We tricked you into
giving yourself advice.

You're the loser!

It was all my idea.

They were all like "oh no.
What do we do?"

And I was all like
"I got an idea."

They didn't have an idea.
I had an idea.

It doesn't matter how
great your idea was.

Even I can't help me.

Well that didn't work.

Yeah.

Whose dumb idea was that?

You look like you just got
rejected by a dozen girls.

You can tell that
from looking at me?

No, I literally watched you get
rejected by a dozen girls.

Everybody makes
dating look so easy.

It is easy, except
for when it isn't.

Then it's hard.

You sound like you know
what you're talking about.

Well, they call me...

The love robot.

Actually, nobody calls me that.

Anyway, I should go.

There's this new
zombie romance movie

- I want to see.
- "Tears of the dead"?

I love zombie romance movies.

Really? Me too.

I would ask my
boyfriend to take me,

but I don't have a boyfriend.

I'm totally single.

Just like me.

Well... Off to the
movies by myself.

Carrie, wait.

Yeah?

I forgot my backpack. See ya.

Hang on.

You know,

I once gave me some
really great advice.

You can't force love.

You have to let
love come to you.

I think that might be
what's happening right now.

Are you asking me out?

No.

I don't want to force love.

I'll just let you know that
the movie starts in an hour,

there'll be an open
seat next to me,

and I'd be happy if you
ended up sitting in it.

Also, is my food ready?

I ordered it like an hour ago.

Sorry.

I'll be right back
with your burger.

It was a salad.

So how was your first date ever?

A-mazing!

She showed up and everything.

As tit w best night of my life.

Great.

Does that mean Dr. Cupid is
coming out of retirement?

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I need your advice again.

I'm your best friend, Trish.

Why don't you talk
to me about...

I need good advice.

Dez, Jace is leaving
out of town,

and I need tips on how to handle

a long-distance relationship.

You got it.

Dr. Cupid will see you now.

Guess who got a great grade
on their physics assignment?

I knew it!

You got an "A."

Actually, I got a "B-."

What?

That was an "A+" plane.

It had beverage service!

I didn't turn in your plane.

I made my own.

Why would you do that?

I told Dez not to give up,

so I couldn't either.

It was more important to
me to accomplish something

than to get a good grade.

And it turns out, I got both.

I'm really proud of you, Austin.

He thinks "B-" is a good grade.

Flowers?

Pizza!

I got you something else.

A goat?!

You really do like me.