Austin & Ally (2011–2016): Season 1, Episode 16 - Diners & Daters - full transcript

Subs created by: David Coleman.

Where's Trish? How long does it
take to walk across the mall?

I'm starving. What kind of waitress
takes 20 minutes to get to a table?

Guess who got a job
at The Melody Diner!

That kind of waitress.

So what do you wanna eat?

I thought you had to sing
to the customers here.

Yeah, we're supposed to, but the
manager's not looking, so who cares?

Wait, Mindy's your manager?

She's the worst. She's always
looking over my shoulder,

bossing me around. She
drives me nuts...



Are in the brownies, so
save room for dessert!

Hey, Mindy.

I hope you're giving this
table your best service,

because it's got my
favorite customer.

I'm talking about
you, Dezzy-cakes.

I know you have a crush on me, Mindy, but
I'm better at long-distance relationships.

Maybe you should go
stand over there...

Or in Alaska.

You're so cute when
you joke around.

You were joking, right?

Yeah, totally.

Oh.

So can I take your order now?

Can we get a new waitress?



Why, because I'm not singing?

No. I want her to
be my waitress.

Trish, who is that?

That's Cassidy. She's our
best singing waitress.

Hey, Cassidy, come over here
and tell them the specials.

Now the soup of the day
is cream of spinach.

But hold on, because
I ain't finished.

I can sing a ballad...

About our Cobb salad.

I'll have a Cobb salad!
You have a great voice.

I sing too. I'm Austin Moon.

He's an Internet sensation.

He's sort of a big deal.

This is his friend Dez.
He's not a big deal.

I'm Ally. I don't
know what my deal is.

Well, it's great to meet you
Ally, big deal, not a big deal.

You'll have a better
shot on a full stomach.

Whatever you do, don't
order the chips and salsa.

Why? I want chips and salsa.

Did somebody say salsa?

Salsa!

- Can I change my order?
- No! Dance!

When the crowd wants more,
I bring on the thunder.

'Cause you've got my back,
and I'm not going under.

You're my point,
you're my guard.

You're the perfect chord.

And I see our names together
on every billboard.

We're headed for the top,
we've got it on lock.

We'll make 'em say "hey!"

And we'll keep rockin'.

Oh, there's no way I could
make it without ya.

Do it without ya,
be here without ya.

It's no fun when
you're doing it solo.

With you it's like, "whoa".
Yeah, and I know.

I own this dream.

'Cause I got you with me.

There's no way I could
make it without ya.

Do it without ya,
be here without ya.

Woo! I'm stuffed.

- Let's get out of here.
- Hold on.

Not before my Dezzy-muffin
tries some of our famous...

Cha-cha chicken pot pie.

- It'll blow your mind.
- I just don't see how chicken...

I said eat it!

Cha-cha-cha-cha...

Me likey!

There she is. I'm gonna
go ask her out now.

- Oh wait.
- What?

- What are you doing?
- I'm just... Okay.

It's okay. No, it's okay.
It's okay.

Go get her, tiger.

'Sup?

Hey, blondie. 'Sup with you?

Hey, Cassidy, you
have a great voice.

Do you ever sing about
anything besides food?

As a matter of fact, I do.
I'm in a band.

No way. We have so
much in common.

We both love music, um,
we're both in high school

and we're both holding
bottles of ketchup.

Cheers.

- You're cute.
- Thanks.

So, Cassidy, I was wondering...

Do you wanna maybe
go out sometime?

Sorry, I can't.

Great! I'll meet you at...

What?

Sorry.

I'm sorry, Austin.

Eh, it's cool.

Maybe some dessert will
make you feel better.

I don't feel like dancing,
so whatever you do,

don't order the chocolate
shake, the lemon twist or...

Get the raspberry robot.

- No!
- Raspberry robot!

Yay! Robot!

Okay, I was thinking about this.

There are only three possible reasons
why Cassidy won't go out with you.

I'm listening.

One, she has a boyfriend...

Two, she misunderstood
your question...

- Three...
- She's a mermaid

and her dad won't let
her date humans?

I was gonna say she just
might not be into you.

I think my reason
makes more sense.

Hey, buddy, I hear you're
having some lady problems.

I can help. They call me...

The love whisperer.

Thanks.

And no one calls you that.

Yes, they do. You just can't hear
them because they're whispering it.

Let's stop whispering.

This is serious. I
really like this girl.

I can't stop thinking about her.

Oh. Just like I can't stop thinking
about that cha-cha chicken pot pie.

Anyway, I'm an expert in love.

I have been rejected so many times,
I can show you what not to do.

Observe.

Excuse me.

I'm Dez. I don't have a job and
I only shower once a week.

How would you like
to be my girlfriend?

See? Do not do that.

The love whisperer.

That gets creepier
every time you say it.

Yes, it does.

I just wish I knew why
Cassidy said no to me,

then I could figure out a
way to make her like me.

Oh, I know why she said no.

- I talked to her.
- You did?

Ooh!

What did she say?
What did she say?

Well, she said she won't
go out with you because...

Hang on.

Hello.

Would I like to take
a 20-minute survey?

I sure would!

Yes. Bananas. Yes.

Oh, that's a tough one.
Gorgonzola.

What did she say?!

She just asked me what
my favorite cheese is.

Not the lady on the phone...
Cassidy.

Oh. She said the only reason why
she's not going out with you,

is because all she has time
for is work and her band.

That's a perfectly good reason.

See, Austin? I told you
she wasn't a mermaid.

You had to be there.

So it's not me. She's
just too busy.

If I wanna see her...

I can either join her band or...

My name's Austin,
I'll be your waiter.

The soup of the day
is cream of potater!

So yeah, what do you guys...
I'll be right back.

Wow. You took this job just
to be close to Cassidy.

That is so romantic.

Yeah, now I just need
to figure out a way...

Manager alert!

A way to make her like me.

There's my new celebrity waiter.

And there's my Dezzy-wezzy-kins.

Yeah, I think that's
Dezzy-wezzy-kins' cue to leave.

Hmm. I have more
chicken pot pie.

I can stay for a little bit.

Trish! Can you finish training Austin?
I'm kind of busy here.

Or maybe Cassidy can train him.

Don't care, long as
he gets trained.

Yes! I get to hang
out with Cassidy.

Thanks for looking
out for me, Trish.

Huh? No, I was just
looking out for me.

I don't wanna do any extra work.

But you still owe me.

Ah.

Hey, Cassidy, Mindy
wants you to train me.

Scoot over. Gotta hear this.

Okay, new guy, watch and learn.

Here are your onion rings.

Lots of joy are what they bring.

Don't you like your
veggies fried?

Here are your
sauces on the side.

Whoa. That was like
the best song.

- I've ever heard about onion rings.
- Thanks.

The best part about this job
is getting to sing all day.

Music is the only thing
that really speaks to me.

Okay, Ally, you can
stop spying on me.

I'm over here now!

Austin, this is perfect.

Cassidy just told you what
to do to win her over.

Music is the only thing
that speaks to her.

You have to write her a song
that comes from your heart.

Great, so tell me what
comes from my heart.

Austin, I need you.

I need you too.

I mean... I mean...

I need you to tell
me why you need me.

Are, uh... Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Why?

Because your hand's in
the mac and cheese.

Hot.

Just checking if it's
hot enough, and it is.

Hot!

Ah. Oh.

We need to go write that song.

Hot.

Okay, a song from the heart
needs some real emotion,

so what do you like
about Cassidy?

- She's perfect.
- "Perfect." Got it.

- But not too perfect.
- "Not perfect." Got it.

Why don't you tell me
how she makes you feel?

Like I'm wearing a new
pair of sneakers.

Or I'm about to eat pancakes.

Or I just did a big loop-de-loop
on a roller coaster,

and I'm trying not to throw up.

So she makes you feel like
you're gonna throw up,

pancakes all over
your new sneakers?

Yeah. No.

I don't know. You're
the songwriter.

You tell me how I feel.

Ooh! And throw something in
there about onion rings.

Okay, onion rings.

Would you like to be throwing
them up or just eating them?

I don't care, as long as
this song makes her happy...

Because I really like her.

I gotta get back to work
and stare at Cassidy.

Ally, I think I have a
chicken pot pie problem.

Go on.

More chicken pot pie!

Here you go, Dezzy-cakes.

You know when the cha-cha
pies run out, so does Dez.

Then I guess we'll have to
make sure they never run out.

Dez!

Cha-cha-cha-cha--
cha-cha-cha-cha...

Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha!

Austin, I gotta talk to
you about this song.

- That's the song? Great.
- Austin, wait! It's not done!

Ladies and gentlemen, can I
have your attention, please?

I'd like to dedicate this song
to the coolest girl in here...

Cassidy.

You're perfect, but
not too perfect.

You're the pat of butter
on my pancake stack.

You're a roller coaster ride.

And I feel like...

Throwing up.

Cassidy, go out with me...

Something about...

Onion rings...

Ings.

What am I gonna do?

Cassidy hated the song and
now she's not gonna like me.

I told you the
song wasn't ready.

You called her "the butter
on my pancake stack."

If anything, she's the syrup.

I just wrote all the
stuff you told me.

You're the one who can't
communicate your feelings.

I can so communicate
my feelings.

And right now I'm feeling...

Feelings!

Austin, you know the rules.

You have to sing
to the customers.

Now sing!

Ally, all I wanted was
a song for Cassidy

but you let me down.

I did the best I could
with what you gave me.

Why am I singing? I
don't even work here.

I'm all out of chicken pot pies.
I need some more now...

Please!

Trish, get my Dezzy-roo some
more chicken pot pie now!

Don't snap your fingers at me.

And stop taking
advantage of my friend.

Ewe, did I just call
Dezzy-roo my friend?

Ewe, did I just
call him Dezzy-roo?

Somebody just get me
my chicken pot pie.

I don't care who it is.

Trish, I don't like
your attitude.

You're fired, you're fired.

Fi... I-I-I-I... red!

You can't fire me,
because I quit.

I quit, I quit, I quit...

I quit...!

Oh!

I just wanted to
be a good friend,

and help you out.

Why am I singing again?

Well, you definitely helped.

You helped me blow my
chances with Cassidy.

I can't believe you're
blaming me for this.

Fine, I'll get my own pie.

I just can't believe he's blaming me.
I was trying to help.

Hey, Ally, got a second?

Yeah, sure.

You can go, Trish.
Thanks for listening.

Huh?

You were talking to me?

Yes, I thought you
were taking notes.

No, I was taking a survey about
how to be a better listener.

On a scale of one
to 10, how'd I do?

I'm gonna call that a seven.

Ally, I'm so sorry.

I acted like a total jerk.

I just never been this
crazy about anyone.

I get it. Sometimes crushes
make people lose their minds,

like how I act like a
fool around Dallas.

Yeah, whenever he's around,

you always say stupid
things and dance all goofy.

Woo!

Woo-hoo!

Cassidy just...

She makes my heart beat
like a mile a minute.

I can't explain it.

But you just did.

That's the first real feeling about
Cassidy you've been able to express.

You're right! We can use
that in a new song for her!

Oh, you think I'm just
gonna write another song

for you because you finally
opened up your heart?

You're not?

Of course I am!

I love romance!

Thanks, Ally. You're awesome.

Dance it out?

Okay, that's what
I'm talking about.

What about... What about like...

It's okay. It was part of it.
It was part of it.

It was... That was a
part of your dance.

Excuse me, Miss. Can you
please sing me the specials?

I already sang them
for you seven times.

Well, I'm a customer now and I would
like to hear them eight times.

Today's specials are chicken
parmesan on a bed of Linguini.

You can stop singing.
We'll take two of those.

I'm not gonna eat any more
chicken pot pie, Mindy.

It's taking over my life!

So this is the last time
I'm coming in here.

Okay, Dezzy-cheeks.

Well, if this is your last
time coming in here, let me at

least give you some of our
famous egg salad on the house.

- Eat it.
- No thanks, I'm...

I said eat it! Just eat it.

Oh no.

Me likey.

Hey, Cassidy. Sorry
about that song.

It's cool. I mean, it was weird being
compared to butter on pancakes.

If anything, I'm the syrup.

You are so the syrup.

Anyway, that song didn't
say what I wanted it to...

But this one does.

Guys!

I can get your heartbeat
beat-beat-beating like.

I can get your heartbeat
beating like that.

You know you got my heartbeat
beat-beat-beating like...

Hey-ay-ay-ay.

Would you, would you want it
if I stood up above the crowd?

Got up on a chair and if I
shouted your name aloud.

Could you, could you take me,
call me baby without a doubt?

I'm shouting your name right now,
shouting your name right now.

Don't you get it, get it? I'm
nothing like them other ones.

Raised upon the notion, I
ain't hosting no reruns.

I said it, said it, said it,
wouldn't let it be all or none.

Because I ain't no
rerun, I ain't no rerun.

I'll make you forget, forget.

What you came here
for, here for.

For goodness sake, let's
make or break this heart.

Because it needs more.

I can get your heartbeat
beat-beat-beating like.

I can get your heartbeat
beating like that.

You know you got my heartbeat
beat-beat-beating like...

Hey-ay-ay-ay.

I can get your heartbeat
beat-beat-beating like.

I can get your heartbeat
beating like that.

You know you got my heartbeat
beat-beat-beating like...

Hey-ay-ay-ay...

Hey hey.

Let me hear you like...

Hey hey hey...

Hey hey.

Can you do it like...?

Hey-ay-ay-ay.

That was amazing. I can't
believe you wrote that for me.

Thanks. It came from my heart...

- Yeah.
- And my mouth.

So what do you say? Will
you go out with me?

- I'd love to go out with you...
- Yes! Woo!

But I can't.

You can't... Wait
to go out with me?

My band just got a record deal.
We're going to L.A.

Today is my last day.

Oh. I'm really happy for you.

Thanks, blondie.

I promise the second I get
back we'll have that date.

Woo! Well, we're not going out.

Her band's going to L.A.

And I may never see her again.

Then why do you seem so happy?

Because I know she likes me,
and I owe it all to Ally.

Ally?

More chicken pot pie!

Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm.

I'm gonna make, make, make
your chocolate milkshake.

Bam! Woo!

Yeah! Because I know you want ketchup.
It's my favorite condiment.

A side of fries is
what you'll get.

We ran out of big hotdogs, so
I got you just a small one.

It's not a foot long. No,
it's not a foot long.

There's no way I can get you the
coleslaw, get you the coleslaw.

No substitutions. Here's
your onion rings.

I'll be right back with drinks.

I talked to my boss she
said you can have coleslaw,

you can have coleslaw.
Here is your coleslaw.

Bam! Woo!