Ash vs Evil Dead (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 1 - Home - full transcript

Ash: Thirty years ago,
I found the Book of the Dead.

Now, because I read
from the book...

Misartra.

...evil has found me.

- (screams)
- (chainsaw revving)

Ash:
All roads to destroying this evil

lead to where it all began...
the cabin.

- Let's go back there and end it all.
- You know I'm down.

The sooner this book
is six feet under, the better.

(yells)

Here's the plan--
shoot first, think never.



Whoa.

That didn't work.

Present the book to me,
and we'll finally end this.

(speaks foreign language)

- Pablo!
- (groans)

- You have no idea what you're doing!
- Of course I know what I'm doing...

I wrote this book.

Your stupid mortal toys
mean nothing to me.

Take the deal and go back to Jacksonville.

I am offering you
the undo button you wanted.

Normal life, in Jacksonville,
the three of us?

- I can do that.
- Truce.

- (music playing on radio)
- Yeah. (laughing)

Whoo!



Jacksonville, here we come.

(growling)

(roars)

(distorted)
Mama.

(speaking foreign language)

(speaking foreign language)

I have fought with Attila the Hun
and Genghis Khan...

and this type shit
is my only hope?

Oh, fuck.
What a mess.

(groaning)

(speaking foreign language)

(screaming)

(yells)

- (cheering)
- (music playing)

- Jacksonville, I love you!
- All: We love you, too!

I know you do.
Hey, I love me, too.

(chanting "Ash")

Ah, Jefe.

You know, you don't have to
call him that anymore, Pablo.

'Cause now, he's just water trash,
like everyone else in this town.

Especially non-tippers
like you, buddy.

- Yeah, thanks.
- Hey, come on, Kel.

Ash did what he had to do.
He saved us.

And left Ruby in charge.
You know what?

I don't trust that bitch
as far as I can throw her.

Kelly, there's someone wanting to pay.

Pull.

Looking good, Eli.
(clicks tongue)

Hey, sailor.

- I had fun last night.
- I think I remember that.

- This is my daughter Hannah.
- Oh, how nice for you to meet me.

Can I, um, touch it?

My God...

How does it work?

Uh, well, I think it's pretty obvious.

Ladies, I'm gonna be
honest with you,

I'm not drunk enough to know
if this is good weird or bad weird.

- But I'll get there, though.
- (laughs)

F...

- Whoa.
- (clamoring)

(thunder rumbling)

Oh, shit!

My God...

I left the windows down
in the Delta.

- (roars)
- Whoa!

(screaming)

Hey, hey, timeout.
You're not supposed to be here.

Ash!
(grunts)

Didn't you get the memo?
There's a truce!

(distorted)
Talk to Ruby, she sent us.

- Ah!
- Balls to the wall!

(grunts)

(distorted)
Your truce is over, Ashy Slashy.

What did you call me?

Ashy Slashy hatchet and saw,

takes your head
and skins you raw.

Ashy Slashy heaven and hell,

cuts out your tongue
so you can't yell!

What the fuck is this?!

Shoot it in the head!

_ (Scream-
' No! mg)

Jefe! Your blade!

- Give me your eyes!
- (screaming)

Don't you wanna fuck me now?

Ah...

Get off me!

I think we're good, Kel.

Fucking skank.

(distorted laughter)

You will die like all the others.

One by one, we will take you.
All of you!

(laughing)

Ladies first.

(music playing)

Well, I guess it's safe to say
the truce is over.

Told you Ruby couldn't be trusted.

We gotta put our little thinking caps on
and do something.

Yes! You know I'm in.

I have been waiting to kick her ass.

Yeah, amen to that.

But how?
Ruby could be anywhere.

I know where she is.

Ruby is in Elk Grove, Michigan.

- That's my hometown.
- Okay, that's a very specific guess.

The Deadite gave it away
with that song.

That damn song.

All right,
we're gonna go to Elk Grove,

we're gonna find Ruby,

and I'm gonna bury
that Kandarian Dagger

deep into her strangely beautiful neck
and kill her where she stands.

We'll be back
in Jacksonville by Friday.

Pablo, first round
of 'ritas is on you,

- because...
- Oh!

Because it's the drink
of my people.

That's a little racist, don't you think?
(chuckles)

Well, yeah.

(music playing)

I I've seen ahead ♪

I I've seen a vision ♪

♪ It was reaching
through the clouds I

I To risk a dream... ♪

Kelly:
Sinkholes are still being reported.

And look at this!

Kenward County,
violent crime and murder

up 200% from this time last year.

Yeah, Ruby's evil's
seeping everywhere.

All right, we need a sketch of her
to show the people in town.

- Pablo.
- I'm on it.

So, uh, why so long
since you've been home?

Oh, who drank all the beer?

- I got it.
- Um, you.

Your bladder
must be ready to explode.

- Ash: Oh, please.
- (demonic groaning)

I've been whizzing the whole time.

(Ash laughs)

♪ The old man's back again... ♪

Boy:
Do it! I dare you!

- Chicken.
- Don't say that.

3°!!! Run!

Ashy Slashy's coming to get you!

You think Ruby's here?
In a crack house?

No... this is my house.

Or at least it used to be.

Oh...

it's-- it's... nice.

- Your parents still live here?
- My parents died a long time ago.

Just, um, give me a sec.

Pablo: I've never seen the Jefe
like this before.

Whatever happened in this town
seems to really haunt him.

- Look at this creepy fucker.
- Where?

He was right...
Dude, he was right there.

- Ah!
- Oh, shit!

Asshole!

(woman screams)

(woman screaming)

- Oh!
- You come here to rob me, punk?

- Think I won't fight back?
- I'm not robbing you.

- Ashley?
- Hello, Dad.

Been a long time.

You look, uh...

old.

- Bloated like a sack of...
- Yeah, I get the idea.

- How you been, Pop?
- What do you want?

Nothing. Can't a guy
come and see his own father?

- What the hell is that?
- Oh, it's, um, an utility hand.

A friend made it for me.
Check it out.

- I'm better, stronger.
- Faster?

- Yeah.
- Bullshit.

Looks like some piece of crap
made in China.

- Kelly: What was that gunshot?
- All right, put the guns down.

- What is going on?
- You got a green card, kid?

Kelly, Pablo, meet my father.

Whoa, filthy and fine.

Brock Williams,
but you can call me "Cock."

- He's your father all right.
- Um...

thought you said
your dad was dead.

Dead?
He's the one that died, not me.

Uh, we were sort of
dead to each other.

- What have you done now?
- Nothing.

We're just looking for someone.
Pablo.

I drew most of it
while the car was moving, but...

- You're looking for Bigfoot?
- It was a bumpy ride.

Okay, you know what, forget it.
You don't wanna help, that's fine.

- Some things never change.
- Still the victim with you, huh?

Always somebody else's fault.

Somebody else made you
go to that cabin.

- Somebody else chopped your hand off.
- Uh, no, I did that.

- Somebody else killed your girl.
- No, I did that, too.

Come on, Dad.
You know exactly what happened.

Why didn't you
set those people straight?

Because you should have.

Instead, you let 'em
beat you down

and you ran away
with your tail between your legs.

Thank God your mother
wasn't here to see that.

I did what I had to do.

Ashley, it's taken me a long time
to get my life back together.

I think it's best that
you and the illegal here just leave.

Kelly, would you like
to have dinner with me?

That's a hard pass.

Get out.

(sighs)
Let's go.

Man on radio:
Oh, blitz on McNabb.

Somehow he...

Elk Grove... hasn't changed a bit.

- What's the plan?
- We split up, ask around.

YOu!

You ruined my life.

- I've ruined a lot of people's lives.
- Here, man, I got some change.

(stammers)

How do--.

Thanks.

Okay, let's go.

Jacksonville's waiting.

(music playing on radio)

(chatter)

(chatter stops)

Man: It's him.
Woman: No way.

Woman: Ash?

Ash Williams, is that you?

Linda Bates!

Holy hell! Wow.

It's been so long.

You look great
in that waitress getup.

- Probably even better out of it.
- Ooh, same Ash.

- All okay here?
- Yeah.

- Little Tommy Emery?
- It's Sheriff Emery now.

And I'm all grown up.
You can ask around.

Oh...

Oh, you--

- No, you married safety boy?
- Who?

That's what we called him
back when he was a hall monitor.

Remember the time you peed your pants
outside the locker room?

- 'Cause you were leaning on the door.
- Guilty.

Hey, that was such a long time ago.

- Right, honey?
- No.

- Can you give us a second?
- Sure.

- Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
- Hey.

- Mmm.
- Hey!

You got some huge balls
showing your face in this town.

Yeah, I do.

Notice I never wore gym shorts?

I'm here on business--
looking for a woman.

She's bad news.

If I don't find her, you might actually
have something to do around here.

Well, then, let's find her for you.

Everyone!

This is Ash.

Some of you may know him
as Ashy Slashy,

because he went crazy
and chopped up his friends.

Okay, that's not true.

I did not go crazy.

I knew exactly what I was doing
when I chopped up my friends.

And now,
Ashy Slashy is back in town

looking for a new woman.

So, what do people think?

Should we help Ash
find another victim?

Or should we kick him back
to whatever rock he was hiding under?

Fuck this sicko.
He's gotta go.

- Man: Yeah! Get him out!
- (crowd jeering)

(chanting "Ashy Slashy")

No.

No more running away.

All right, get the gum
out of your ears and listen up,

you inbred,
degenerate screwheads.

Except you, Linda.
You're so not like them.

Yes, I am "Ashy Slashy."

The boomstick butcher
with the chainsaw hand,

but you nimrods got me all wrong.

I'm here to save this town--

to save my town
whether you like it or not.

Now, I'm here looking
for somebody.

Check it out.
She goes by the name of Ruby.

anybody?

You use your chainsaw
to draw that?

(laughter)

Time to leave, Ash.

Oh, I'm gonna leave, all right.

And don't you worry.

After I save all your sorry asses,

you won't see me again
for another 30 years, dicksticks!

- Man: Loser!
- (jeering, laughter)

(cat screeching)

(gasps)

Oh!

No!
(Screaming)

Hey!Hey!
Takeiteasy!

- Ash: Pablo.
- What's wrong?

I just saw Ruby!

- Saw Ruby? Where?
- I don't know.

I just had a weird vision of her

in front of a big,
brick building.

There were, uh,
these smoke stacks there.

- Two big smoke stacks?
- Yeah.

That sounds like
the crematorium.

(organ playing)

This is it.

I saw it so clearly.

Pablo, how long you been
having these visions?

Ever since Ruby
put that book on my face,

I've been having nightmares,
but they happen while I'm awake.

- How come you never said something?
- I was afraid.

I don't know
what's happening to me, Jefe.

Let's go get some answers.

(music playing)

We gave peace a chance...

now it's time for war.

(low groan)

All right, you two, go that way.

But remember, these weapons
are only gonna stun Ruby,

so use them to
knock her down or whatever.

Then before she heals,

I'm gonna put an end to this
horse pucky once and for all.

(grunts)
Oh, God. Damn.

(low groaning)

Ruby! I know you're out there!

Hey!

Creepy kid?
You grew up quick.

(distorted) You should not have
come back, Ashley.

(screams)

(laughing)

Ash?

- Ash?
- It's that way.

'(Yelling
' Kelly! )

Kelly!

Kel!

(gasping)

Kelly?

Yeah, that's it!

Run home and cry to mama!

You tell her Ashley J. Williams
is looking for her!

(grunts)

Oh!

Why you...

(coughs)

My goodness...

(whispering)

(whispering)

(distant screech)

Kelly...

you're stronger than Ash.

Why do you follow

when you should lead?

Join us.

(gagging)

Voice:
♪ We're gonna get you ♪

♪ We're gonna get you ♪

- (grunts)
- ♪ We're gonna get you ♪

Get this!

Ha! Yippee Kai-aye mother fu...

(laughter)

Oh, shit.

(screaming)

Help! Help!

Ash!

(voice whispers, echoes "Ash")

(voice whispers, echoes "Ash")

- Ash.
- Ah!

Oh, you actually found me.

Don't be so surprised, you know,
I do have my moments...

- like this one.
- Hey.

You broke our truce, why?

I had no option.
I had to summon you.

What, so you can sic
your creepy ass kids on me?

No.

My children have turned on me.
I've lost control of them.

They want the Necronomicon.
They're trying to destroy me.

(sarcastic crying)
Poor Ruby.

Yeah, welcome to my world,
sweet cheeks.

Doesn't feel so good, does it?

At least you still have
all your appendages!

Now, Ash, I need your help.

Oh... oh, you need my help?

Okay, first of all,
screw you and your ugly ass kids.

Here's what I need--
I need to be back in Jacksonville

on my second keg of beer,
putting my spicy man meat

into a mother-daughter sandwich,
that's what I need.

As unappetizing as that sounds,
you can still have all of that.

Just trust me.

- Help me stop my children--
- (growls)

- (screams)
- Hey!

I wasn't done with her!

Help!

Help! Pablo, help!

(gasps)

- (coughing)
- (grunts)

(distorted)
Mama.

Three creepy kids.

Well, Ruby's a big girl.
I'm sure she can handle herself.

- (screams)
- Where is the Necronomicon?

- What have you done with it?
- I'll never tell you.

(groans)

Oh, those damn radar eyes.

Do I save her 'cause I should?
Or cause she's hot?

(distorted)
Mama.

(Ash whistles)

All right, you naked assholes,

time to pick on
someone your own size.

(growls)

(growls)

(revs chainsaw)

You want some?!

You feel that? Huh?

Do you? You feel that?
(laughs)

Do you?

(distorted) The Necronomicon
says you are humanity's true savior.

This is where your story ends, Jefe!

(shrieking)

(grunting, gurgling)

Spawn: Ma...

I'm sorry.

Sorry, creepy kid...

playtime's over.

Night-night.

Told you you could trust me.

- Jefe!
- Stay the fuck away from him!

I got this.

I've made a huge mess.

Yeah, you really fudged the bowl
this time, didn't you?

Now you want me to put the old rubber
gloves on and help you scrub it clean.

Part of me is already
regretting calling you here.

Get used to that feeling.
Where's the book?

- Hid it.
- Go get it.

My children are too powerful
for me alone.

Ash, I need you.

All of you, help me retrieve the book
and send them back to hell.

Give me a second.

You guys good with that? Huh?

Okay, we get the book,

send your loser kids back to hell,

we're back in Jacksonville by Friday.

Pablo, first round of 'ritas
is on you, because...

Uh, yeah,
you already used that one.

- Really?
- Word-for-word.

Wow.

Maybe I'm getting that
bad memory disease.

- Alzheimer's?
- Alzheimer's?!

That's a bad memory disease.
Why would you mention that?

Focus up, we got work to do.

Let's go save the world.

(music playing)

♪ Been sailing the space waves ♪

I It seems like forever ♪

♪ I can't count the miles I

♪ My mind has flown ♪

♪ Yet, people,
I've been somewhere ♪

I While on my way to nowhere ♪

♪ And I discovered my wings ♪

♪ Have a mind of their own ♪

♪ I'm a star rider ♪

I In a race never-ending ♪

I I'm here for the moment ♪

♪ To sing you this song ♪

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