Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - In God We Trust - full transcript

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael Bluth had called a meeting...

with the family's longtime attorney...

to discuss his father's incarceration.

I am so sorry.
It was a client. Okay.

But he was finding it difficult
to get any answers.

- How long was I on the phone?
- Twenty-five minutes.

With the cell phone charges,
I'm gonna round it out to about an hour...



'cause it's easier to bill...
all right.

- Anything else to go over?
- We've got everything else to go over.

We haven't done anything
to get my dad out of jail.

Okay. First of all...
What are you doing? Pilates?

Because no 40-year-old woman
should look like that.

Well, no 40-year-old woman
does look like that.

He was, however,
getting along with his sister...

which was unwelcome news
to their mother...

who feared this unity
might be used against her.

I do have some big news.

It's going to cost you a little money...
20,000, something like that.

The courts have agreed
to let your father out of prison.

- This is a lawyer!
- He's a master!

For the entire afternoon.



What do you mean "afternoon"?
What afternoon?

The day before Christmas,
in time for the Living Classics Pageant...

because I know how important
that is to all of you.

The Living Classics Pageant,
an Orange County tradition...

consists oflive representations
of classic works of art.

The Bluth family has participated
not only as a patron...

but as an integral part
of its most popular exhibit...

Michelangelo's The Creation of Adam.

I don't really want to be Adam this year.

Well, if you want to play Eve,
you got to get in line...

behind, what, about five homos.

That was wrong.
I'm... I'm so sorry.

It's just that I have one
down at the office now...

and, I mean, it is every day.

I would be happy to play Adam.
I'd prefer a speaking part...

Please don't speak for the rest of the meeting.

- Zing!
- No, no, seriously. I don't want to play Adam.

Buster, every year we go through
this song and dance...

and every year you say, "Thank you, Mama,
for making me play Adam."

- You're doing it.
- This concerned Buster...

as he'd been secretly dating
his mother's best friend...

and chief social rival,
Lucille Austero.

Can't we just stay here
and play poker again?

You can bet your vertigo medicine
against my anxiety pills.

No. Buster, for God's sake,
there is music to hear...

places to go, envy to stir.

Look, I'm tired of
keeping our love a secret.

We are going out,
and that is that!

- Oh.
- Oh, Buster. Okay, I'm okay.

I'm okay.

Okay. I'm gonna get out of your hair.

- We'll talk about this money later in the week.
- Excuse me.

We're not going to pay $20,000
to get my Dad out for one day.

No. It's a bond.
It's all refundable, unlike my time.

It's been a complete waste
of two hours, okay?

We're just not going to do it,
and that's that.

- Are you writing two hours?
- No, I'm taking notes on the case.

- Let me just see what you just wrote.
- You're scaring me.

just leave it alone! It is a gift from a client!
Ruining a good meeting.

- Barry's very good.
- He's an idiot.

Exactly. We're not trying
to get Dad out for a night.

We're trying
to get him out for good.

We're gonna get a new lawyer.
I actually know of one who's available.

His name's WayneJarvis.
He's a top guy.

WayneJarvis had become famous...

after an employment
discrimination suit...

against the family's current attorney,
Barry Zuckerkorn.

It'll be a long time before Barry Zuckerkorn
calls anyone a homo again.

You know, I am really happy
that you two are in agreement...

but we're not getting rid of Barry.

He's like family,
and you can't fire family.

Yeah, I know.
Hey, Maeby.

Maeby, where have you been?

You left me at home.
You do remember you have a daughter, right?

Uh, yes, of course we remember...

and we were worried sick,
young lady.

She's fine. Our daughter's all right,
everybody, so...

- You said you didn't want her to come.
- I said I didn't want you to come.

- Oh, that makes more sense.
- Now she's going to think
we're totally self-involved.

I can fix this.
Buster's probably still in the lobby.

Let me go see if I can't get him
to give me the part of Adam.

And I'll see if I can get some money
from my mom.
- Lupe!

There are some juice glasses
on the sofa table.

Mama, I'll help you clean up.

There are some salad plates
on the piano.

Wow. What a party.
You make it seem so effortless.

What do you need money for?
A divorce?

No, Mom. Tobias and I
are doing fine, thank you.

- It's my credit card debt.
- Forget it.

Fine. I'll ask Michael.
He'll give it to me.

Maybe if you get him drunk.
It's the only way he'll give money...

to someone he calls
a "stay-in-bed mom."

- He said that about me?
- I thought it was harsh.

But, you know, he thinks
you're completely irresponsible.

A stay-in-bed mom.

Probably because you don't work,
and you're lazy.

His words.

- I can't believe him.
- I know!

just when you were
getting along so well.

They've got to be kidding me.

Michael's brother Gob, meanwhile...

had missed the meeting that morning
after being delayed by his girlfriend Marta.

?: Te quiero!

- English, please.
- I love you.

Great. Now I'm late.

And while Gob
took his girlfriend for granted...

Michael was learning Spanish
to get closer to her.

That is not something I can bring to my boss.

Unfortunately, the one tape
he could find was oflittle use to him.

Are you going
to the complimentary breakfast?

That'll get her hot.

Well, if it isn't the boy
who lives under the stairs.

- Hey, Gob.
- What are you doing, learning Spanish?

Nope. It's, uh... It's something for work,
so, yes, uh, yeah.

Meanwhile, Buster
was trying to get George Michael...

Meanwhile, Buster
was trying to get George Michael...

to take his place as Adam.

I don't know, Uncle Buster.

- Well, you don't have the "frontspiece" yet.
- "Frontspiece"?

Look, I don't want to go through a whole song
and dance with you. You're going to love it.

You just can't do anything that violates
the original painting, like giggling or itching.

They do allow some nervous crying,
but you can tell they don't like it.

And Maeby was teaching
her parents a lesson for forgetting her...

Who knows how long I'll be gone?

when she spotted George Michael.

Nice pecs. Got a kickin' bod.

Thus, George Michael found a compelling
reason to keep the muscle suit on.

Law offices of Barry Zuckerkorn.

It's Michael Bluth for Barry.

- I'm not here.
- Barry's not here. Can I give her a message?

Tell her she needs to whisper
a little softer next time...

and I'm not paying
for this phone call.

I am not a girl, you bow-tied...

Go on. Call me something.
I'm redoing my kitchen.

That's it.
I've had it with this jerk Barry.

I'm going to make Mom sit down with Wayne
whether she likes it or not.

- You're the jerk.
- Did I just wake you up?
I didn't know you were home.

No, Michael, I don't just sleep all day.

Actually, Lindsay was so upset at Michael...

that she tried meditating
to calm herself...

but ended up taking
a two-hour angry nap.

Yeah, this suitcase
should be big enough.

Where is all this coming from?
I thought we were getting along.

Yeah, so did I. And now I hear
you're telling our mother...

that I'm completely irresponsible
and a stay-in-bed mom.

That doesn't even sound like me.

That sounds like Mom
or Bruce Vilanch.

- Could be Bruce Vilanch.
- Then why would she say it?

- Because we're getting along.
- Because we're friends again.

You gotta remember Mom
typically has nothing in her system...

except a bottle of vodka
and an estrogen pill.

Speaking of which...

Michael and Lindsay proceeded to drink...

and air their grievances
about their mother.

She's always trying to get me to admit
that my marriage isn't working.

- And how's it going with you and Tobias?
- It's not working.

And that's why I wanted her help
with my credit card debt.

I'm trying to take at least some of
the pressure off this marriage.

And if anything, it's worse
now that we're sharing a bedroom.

You guys were not
sharing a bedroom before?

Well, the cutoffs
aren't exactly a turn-on.

- What's the deal with the cutoffs?
- You've got to promise not to tell anyone this.

- Okay.
- He's a never-nude.

Is that exactly what it sounds like?

Tobias suffered
a rare psychological affliction...

of never being able
to be completely naked.

Excuse me.
Do these effectively hide my thunder?

Oh, I'm sorry. No, I need you to be
completely undressed.

I am completely undressed.

- I thought he just liked cutoffs.
- Me too.

What about you?
What's going on with your love life?

Have you even met anyone
since your wife?

That is the one subject
I am not eager to talk about, Lindsay.

I love Marta.

- Mom's housekeeper?
- Gob's girlfriend.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

Listen. You're a great guy,
and if she doesn't see that...

- then someone else will.
- You know what else, Lindsay? You're great.

And I'm gonna move some money around
if it's gonna help you get out of debt.

- No, Michael.
- Yeah.

The hell with Mom. And here.
Mom's never gonna get between us again.

The next day, Buster,
having pawned off playing Adam...

went to Lucille 2 to ask her out
for Christmas Eve.

That is terrific 'cause I got
two tickets to the pageant!

My... My mother's going to be there.

And George Michael was trying to pass...

- as a more muscular boy than he actually was.
- One hundred.

One hundred?
I had you at 10.

I did some earlier in the day. It's a running total.
So what's with the suitcase?

It's a little test
to get my parents to notice me.

You ever get the feeling
like no one even sees you?

I've got a really good body, so... no.

Hey, gang. What you doing?

- Just packing up. Packing it on up.
- Uh-huh.

Listen, can I talk to you alone
for a moment?

- I'll leave you two alone here.
- Oh, no, George Michael, I meant you.

Maeby, can we have the room?

So, as you know, I was hoping
to play Adam in this thing...

and I want you to know
that I am not threatened.

You know, I'd be happy
to let you play Adam.

Give me the suit.
Give me the suit.

I'm actually wearing it right now,
and I can't tell you why.

You're wearing it right now?

I have to wear it all the time.
You'd never understand.

Oh, please.
I'll never under...

I'll never understand...
that you can never be nude?

I understand more than
you'll never know.

Yikes.

Michael finally arranged
a meeting with attorney WayneJarvis.

Looking for a more professional approach
to our representation.

Well, I'm a professional.

- I'm serious, and I'm a professional.
- That's fantastic.

- So how long have you been practicing...
- I also don't like small talk.

I find that unprofessional.
Why should I be billing you for small talk...

when I'm enjoying it
as much as you are?

Then this must be a freebie
'cause I'm having a ball.

When you're ready
to get serious, give me a call.

No, no! No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm serious. I'm ready.

Good. If you retain my services,
I will get your father out of jail...

and we will be countersuing
before the end of the year.

We're gonna get this company's name
back to where it started.

- Or hopefully higher.
- I didn't say that. Don't hold me to that.

I won't, and I appreciate that
to a wonderful degree.

My mother is on her way up here...

and she's resistant
to the idea of hiring a new attorney.

If she even sees you,
she probably won't come in the room.

I shall duck behind the couch.

What a pro.

- Michael.
- Hi.

I need to get the money
to get your father out for the pageant.

Actually, that's not why
I called you here today, and I'm not doing that.

I gave that money to Lindsay
to pay off her credit card debt.

- What'd she do, get you drunk?
- No, we just, uh, well...

We did drink a little bit.
How'd you know that?

Because that's what
she said she'd do.

I said you wouldn't give her the money,
and she said, "He will if I get him drunk."

Probably because she thinks
you're a cheap bastard.

Oh. Her words.

She set me up?

All that stuff about her marital troubles
and Tobias being a never-nude?

A never-nude?
I thought he just liked cutoffs.

How do you treat somebody
in your own family like that...

lying and deceiving and saying anything
just to get your own way?

- So what did you want to see me about?
- Hmm?

Oh, um, there's a big bowl
of candy in my office.

- Why don't you go eat it?
- WayneJarvis, attorney at law.

I have a responsibility to tell you
that there is no candy in this office.

Lindsay.

- What are you doing here?
- I had to get away from Marta.

If I have to smell another meal of fish,
rice and mango, I'm gonna kill somebody.

- Now Michael's learning Spanish.
What's up with that?
- Oh, who knows?

He won't get your father
out of jail for a night.

- He's bringing in a new attorney.
- New attorney?

And he's learning Spanish?

He's hiding something.

And I intend to find out what it is.

Do yourself a favor.
Get him drunk.

Barry.

I see you're getting closer
to our attorney.

Well, I just want you to know
that I won't be needing your help after all.

My brother Michael came through
as he always does and as you never do.

Whatever it takes to get your relationship
with that never-nude back on track.

- Michael told you that?
- He couldn't wait to.

And later,
while Michael was meeting with Wayne...

My thing with Tobias was a secret
like you stealing your brother's girlfriend!

- I open up to you, and you run and tell Mommy!
- Excuse me.

Outside, please.
Thank you. Pardon us.

Like it all wasn't just lies to get me to pay
that debt. Isn't that why you got me drunk?

- I got you drunk.
- Mom told me about your little plan.

- What plan? I had a great time last night!
- So did I!

- Then why are we yelling at each other?
- Mom.

- Unbelievable.
- She did it again.

- All right. We've got to teach her a lesson.
- Hmm.

Excuse me, Wayne, my sister and I were
outside having a business discussion...

and we were wondering
if there's some sort of legal way...

that we can humiliate our mother.

Something shaming, something public.

I've used one adjective to describe myself.
What is it?

Professional.

So how are we going to screw Mom?

- Maybe we can get Barry to help.
- Forget it.

I think I was right about them all along.
You know Barry's taking Mom to the pageant?

- On a date?
- Yeah.

Ugh! If Dad could see her
on a date with Barry, he'd go crazy.

Which would allow us to hire Wayne.

How do you feel about staying in debt
just a little bit longer?

So they decided to spend
the money Michael had promised Lindsay...

to get their father out for the pageant,
where he'd catch his wife with Barry.

Maeby, too, continued to try
to teach her parents a lesson.

Okay, so I printed the fake airline ticket
from my computer.

If my parents miss this,
I really might go to South America.

- That says "Portugal."
- That's right.

Maeby's parents didn't find the ticket,
but Gob did...

"Portugal."

which confirmed his suspicions.

Gonna live it up down old
South America way, huh, Mikey?

And Buster finally gave in
to Lucille 2's wishes.

You ready to show me off
before God and the whole world?

It's not my dad's reaction
I'm worried about.

And George Michael finally saw the painting
he was going to be re-creating.

And then what "frontspiece"meant.

George Sr. got his 24 hours of freedom
as the pageant finally began.

You know, I saw you do this when I was a kid.
I was so impressed.

You know, you were
so still and godlike.

It was at that moment
that I knew I would be a dancer.

Glad I could make a difference.

Michael and Lindsay searched the crowd
for their mother and Barry...

so they could revel in the public shaming
they had engineered.

- Mom, what the hell are you doing?
- But instead they found her with Wayne.

I don't have to answer that.

I don't know which one of you
I'm more disappointed in.

No, it's Wayne. Wayne...

- I have needs. I am a man!
- Hey, watch...

What's the difference?
Your father doesn't care about me.

Barry tells me he's not even trying
to get out of prison.

- Mom, he's here. Dad's here.
- He's here?

- Yeah, he's here.
- Why did you do this?

- We were trying to teach you a lesson.
- You idiots!

- If he sees me with Wayne...
- We'll be stuck with Barry.

I shall duck behind
that little garbage car.

Guy's a pro.

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

Michelangelo's
The Creation of Adam.

And George Michael made his debut...

Hey, that's my... Yikes.

breaking the pageant's cardinal rule.

How dare he!

Oh, stop booing!
There's nothing wrong with it.

There are dozens of us. Dozens!

Buster arrived with Lucille Austero...

and naturally assumed the yells of disgust
were directed toward him.

- What is wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?

Buster?

Oh, God! I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Lucille.
Yeah. Lucille.

Ma, I'm sorry!

Man! That old lady has really
done a number on you, hasn't she?

But George Michael wasn't
the only problem with the painting.

- Where is God?
- There is no God!

There goes my credit card payment.

Dad! Dad!

Hey! Dad!

- Excuse me.
- Dad!

- Hey, Dad, get back here!
- No! I'm not going back!

Dad, come here!

- Dad!
- Michael, I'm onto you.

The Spanish lessons, the lawyer.

- If you're heading for Portugal, it's due south!
- What? No, it isn't.

Dad, you're not gonna outrun me
in that dress.

- Let go! For God's sakes,
I'm not even wearing a jock.
- Dad, are you going too?

No one is going to Portugal, you idiot!

Lindsay and I broke Dad out of jail for a day
to catch Mom on a date.

Your mother is on a date? Oh.

Dad!

Oh, oh.

- Dad?
- And so, many in the Bluth family...

gathered together
for Christmas Eve... at prison.

- Hey, where'd your muscle suit go?
- Wait. You knew?

Yeah.

I took it off.

You did?

You have made some
tremendous strides today.

Ever get the feeling
like you don't even matter?

Only when I'm around my children.

You reach a certain age, and you have
to practically scream to get noticed.

They turn you into a monster,
and then they call you one.

I don't think you're a monster.

And I think you're a lovely girl.

You know what?

I think you and I
ought to spend more time together.

Yeah.

- That'll drive them crazy.
- Exactly.

And Michael was forced to, once again...

call in the counsel of Barry Zuckerkorn.

Thank you. Thank you
for coming down on Christmas Eve.

Oh, it's like any other day,
except that I bill double.

So, they're not filing charges.

I got them to call your flee from justice
"religious expression."

- This is a lawyer.
- Yeah, he's... he's very good.

You're gonna have to forfeit that bond.
I was way off about that.

Thanks again, Mikey.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

Are all the guys in here, you know...

Oh, no, no, no.
Not all of them.

Yeah. It's never the ones you hope.

- Hope?
- Think.

- How'd it go?
- Well, the bad news is you're in debt again...

and we never busted Mom,
and we're stuck with Barry.

The good news is we've been asked
never to participate in the pageant again.

- Well, at least we're still pals, huh?
- Yeah.

That's not really doing it for me this time.

Yeah.