Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - My Mother the Car - full transcript

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael Bluth was fed up
with his mother's extravagant spending.

Hey, Mom. Remember we had that
conversation about trying to...

cut back on things
that aren't necessities?

- Like it was yesterday.
- It was this morning...

and now I hear that you've hired
a crew for the yacht.

- I'm selling that yacht.
- Michael, you haven't heard why I want it.

To throw the most lavish party this town
has ever seen for my birthday.



I enjoy bicentennials as much as
the next guy, Mom, but we're not doing that.

My neighbor Lucille Austero is
constantly throwing parties for herself.

- She's having another one in a week.
- I'm not going to that.

Buster had been avoiding
Lucille Austero...

since he accidentally flirted with her
while not wearing his glasses.

And then accidentally bid on her
at a charity bachelorette auction.

- Ten thousand dollars!
- Buster.

And then accidentally entered
her apartment, thinking it was his mother's.

I need you right now.

Fellas, take a powder.

Oh, here comes the 10:15
conniption, right on time.

Honest to God, Buster, it's like every little
thing makes you seize up in terror lately.

I have no idea where you get that from.

Get away from that stove.
You're going to light your hair on fire.



He's weak.

Speaking of weak, Mom,
what do you got in there, gold bars?

Protein bars for your father.
He's pumping up in prison.

- No more parties. Okay, Mom?
- You're my third least-favorite child.

I can live with that.

Michael came home to find
his mother's fourth least-favorite child.

- Heard you're selling the yacht.
- Yeah. I had a couple in there this morning.

Yeah, I know.

Well, they got the Asian right.

"Hotties" might be a stretch.

Well, let's start with the little one.

- You're not staying on the yacht, are you?
- What do you want me to do?

- Live full-time with Marta?
- Or break up with her.

I'm sure there'd be somebody else
out there that would appreciate her.

In fact, Michael felt
that man was himself.

He had become infatuated
with his brother's girlfriend...

and was having difficulty
keeping his love a secret.

You have 48 hours to vacate the yacht.

Guys, I've got a great idea.
I wanna throw Mom a party.

Would you...
I just told Mom no more parties.

I know, Michael. That's why this is the perfect
opportunity to throw her a surprise party.

- She'd never suspect it.
- Is this her suggestion?

No. I just think it's important to
honor your parents.

Why don't you start by visiting Dad in jail?
You've never even been there.

Michael, do you have any idea what
would happen if I were to visit prison?

- Hmm.
- It would be pandemonium.

- Mm-hmm.
- It'd just give Dad one more reason to think...

that I've got nothing
to offer but my looks.

Yeah, I got some of that...
except he also didn't like my looks.

Okay, Michael. I will go visit Dad...

if you drive Mom to the restaurant
for the surprise party.

I'll just pretend that
I'm taking her out that evening.

- Come on. That would never happen.
- She can't drive herself.

- I mean, she's the world's worst driver.
- Lindsay was not exaggerating.

Lucille had recently been featured on
Fox's World's Worst Drivers.

Yeah. I can't believe she got that
driver's license renewed.

She didn't. I dummied her up a new one.

Not my best work though.
She wanted to look 48.

I nearly airbrushed her into oblivion.

We ended up checking "Albino" on the form.

Come on, Michael. Who knows how long
our parents are going to be around.

I gotta tell ya. I was over at her
place today, and she looked a little frail.

She was having trouble even lifting up
this bag of groceries.

All right. We will do the surprise party.

For Gangy?

- Yeah, how did you know?
- She called and invited us.

- Okay, so it was her idea.
- We don't have to go, do we?

Come on. This is a Bluth family celebration.
It's no place for children.

And Lindsay went to the prison
to visit her father for the first time.

But didn't get the reception
she was expecting.

I wanna thank you for coming here.
It took a lot of guts.

The reason I'm here today is because
I felt that I needed to say something.

- Oh, okay.
- My whole life...

all you've ever praised me for is my looks.

- Oh, no. Your looks...
- Yes, Dad.

I mean, it's always been
Michael's got the brains...

Gob's got the charm,
Buster's got the...

- High-fastening pants.
- Have you said that?

No. I'm saying that now.

So, anyway. Look, if you're wondering why
I haven't visited...

maybe it's because I wanted to be thought
of as more than just a beautiful face.

And a gorgeous head of hair.

Lindsay was surprised once
again that no heads were turned.

I'm gonna go shopping.
I'll be back tomorrow.

George Michael was finally
moving beyond his crush on Maeby...

George Michael was finally
moving beyond his crush on Maeby...

and felt happy to have a cousin
he couldjust see a movie with.

It was a love between two cousins
that the world thought was wrong.

But it was the world that was wrong.

- We have got to see this movie.
- Excuse me, kids?

Can I see your I.D.'s?

And Michael was driving his
mother to her surprise party.

Where on earth are we going?

Left at the next corner.

- You know, Michael?
- Yeah?

I'd be happy to drive if you want me to.

It's better than sitting here
with Buster's stupid rock behind me.

Buster had recently
brought the rock home...

from an archeological dig, but had yet
to find a way to get it out of the car.

Mom, you've already got
two strikes on your record.

You strike one more person,
and it's technically a spree.

Are we going to the back?
Is this what I think it is?

- Surprise!
- And she was surprised...

- that her family didn't show up.
- So this is what my children think of me.

Where the... was everybody?

- What are you talking about?
- Mom's party. Where were you guys?

It's the first I've heard about it.

- What about you? Neiman's?
- Prison.

Then Neiman's. But only because I'm going
back to prison, and they've seen me in this.

Buster? You of all people.
Where were you, buddy?

You barely even leave Mom's apartment.

In fact, Buster was worried
about running into Lucille 2.

So he never left his mother's apartment.

Lucille 2 was also supposed to go, but
was waiting until she saw Buster emerge.

Tonight, Mother was humiliated.

And I wanna throw her another
surprise party... a real one.

One where she's not the one
that's yelling "Surprise."

- Mom yelled "Surprise"?
- Yeah. She went from giddy to devastated.

I mean, it would've been funny
if it wasn't so...

Well, it was kind of funny.

What frail act got you this time, Michael?

She couldn't open a jar? What, did a clump
of her hair come out in your hands?

No. It was something that she said at dinner.

It's dry.

You know, Mom,
I'm sorry you're upset. But, you know...

if you were nicer, then maybe your kids
would take better care of you, you know?

Or-Or wanna be with you more.

I've been a horrible mother.

No, Mom. You're great.

You've been a great mother.

- Well, you know she's been
a horrible mother, right?
- You don't have to tell me.

But what was I gonna say?
All right? So, it's a party.

I mean, if you're not
gonna do it for Mom, do it for me.

Okay. But I think
a party's a little excessive.

Um, is it okay if I do it for Mom
and not you?

- Yeah.
- 'Cause I really like Mom.

We know.

The next day, Buster decided
it was time to deal with...

the situation with Lucille Austero.

I've already got a Lucille in my life.

I understand. That's healthy.

I didn't mean to lead you on.

- Oh, Buster. I feel so foolish.
- No.

Yes. I'm foolish
and I'm funny and I'm needy.

- Am I needy?
- No.

Are you sure I'm not needy?
'Cause I feel needy sometimes.

You know, we're probably
not that different, you and me.

You and I. Is it "l" or is it "me"?

- Buster, it's us.
- Yes. It is us. Us.

Under the pretense of driving
his mother somewhere else...

Michael, once again,
arrived at the restaurant.

Michael, did you do this again?

- Surprise!
- And once again, no one showed up.

Get up.

I told you. They don't support me.

I hate to tell you, Mom,
but they don't support me either.

I sat down and I told them
this was important to me.

- You did that for me?
- I let you drive, didn't I?

Yes, you did, Michael, and I'm loving it.

You're a good son.
You always do things for others.

You're the only one
holding this family together.

And you see a lot more than
I give you credit for, Mom.

You're not just concerned with yourself.
You care about the family.

Hey. Is that Gob?

It's an idiot on a scooter
at night? It's gotta be Gob.

- Let's give him a scare.
- Hmm?

- No, Mom. I don't think we should.
- A nice little scare.

Hey, big shot, too busy to
go to your mother's party?

Mom, that is not Gob. Mom! Mom!

You okay, sir?

Yeah. I guess.
How's my mom? She's so frail.

I'm fine. I'm fine.
I was thrown clear.

I only care about you.

- How are you feeling?
- Actually, my head does not hurt at all.

- What did you give me?
- Your mother asked me to pump you full of...

- Children's aspirin.
- Okay.

You know, it's funny.
I remember, um, leaving the restaurant.

And then, uh, I was driving, I guess.

l-I just... I cannot picture it.

That's pretty common, actually.

It's just short-term memory loss from
the bump on the back of your head.

I can't believe I did this. My
insurance rates are gonna go through the roof.

That's not what matters now.
Here, get comfortable. Scoot up.

"Scoot"? Scooter.
Was there a scooter involved?

Oh, dear.
I can't believe I did that.

- I am so sorry. I'll get you some air.
- I hardly felt it.

In fact, actually, uh,
I didn't feel it.

What was that?

Buster, you remember
when we were kissing last night?

It was a wild, wild ride.

But is this something we can do?

Is this something society will allow?

I don't care what other people think.

My God, for the first time in years
I felt like I was standing on solid ground.

You know,
my panic attacks have decreased.

I feel confident. I'm feeling proud even.

I mean, for the first time
in my life...

I'll call Dr. Miller.

Oh. Excuse me.

Hello. Oh, my God.
I'm getting my gauze.

You know, I should call George Michael.
I'm worried about my son.

I'm worried about my son. George Michael
will be fine with his aunt and uncle.

I want you resting, not using the phone.

- Let me take care of you.
- You know, you really are more
generous than I can remember.

But that's what a parent does, huh?
You put your kid first?

Rest up, sweetie.
You gave me quite a scare.

Scare. Did somebody say,
"Let's give him a sc..."

What is the matter with me?
Clumsy Clara.

Totally cool. Didn't feel a thing.
You know, Mom, I'm crazy about this aspirin.

I can't believe we give it to children.

Gob, meanwhile, was being
visited by Michael's son, George Michael.

Michael? George Michael.

- You've gotta go.
- Wait.

Uncle Gob, is this a bad time?

No. Are you kidding? So, what's up?

I, uh, need you to make
some fake I.D.'s for me and Maeby.

- Like a passport?
- Yeah, yeah. That'd be great.

Oh, and, uh, preferably French.
I like the way they think.

Look, I don't want you thinking that your uncle
is some sleazy character from the docks.

- Good morning.
- How are you?

She's an Olympian... hopeful.

Swimming and some coaching.
Yes, I will make the I.D.'s for you.

But we're gonna have to make this quick.
Your dad wants me out of here by noon.

I wouldn't worry about him.
He's staying at Gangy's.

Yeah, he got in a car accident on the way
back from her birthday party.

- Man, I told him not to let her drive.
- No. It was him driving.

She's taking good care of him too.
She won't even let him use the phone.

- So you're telling me that he can't go
anywhere and he's incommunicado?
- Right.

That's when Gob decided to take
the yacht to South America for the summer.

I gotta alert this boat's crew.

They'll be devastated.

Lindsay put on her new outfit
and returned to prison.

Back at Lucille's, Michael was still
piecing together the accident.

- Hey, Buster.
- Hey, brother.

- Dr. Miller?
- Yeah.

I just jumped through a plate glass window
on a date.

Oh. Well, women love to laugh.

It was worth it to be away from
Mom's controlling grasp.

Buster, what's going on?
What happened to your head?

Nothing. Gob was just teaching me
how to hit it with a hammer.

Gob was there.

Gob was on his scooter.

I think I wanted to hit Gob.

Yes. That is exactly what happened.
You wanted to give Gob a scare.

I don't know why.

I think I do.

Thanks, Mom.

George Sr. was once again
being visited by his daughter.

That's it. I don't want...
You can't... I don't...

Please, you gotta stop coming here.

It is obvious I'm not wearing a bra, right?

I can't take this anymore. I, um...
Uh, I'm paying far too big a price for this.

Well, what about me?
This is the third time I've come here.

- I haven't even been remotely harassed.
- That is not what I'm paying for.

Have I lost it?
Did I ever even have it?

I'm paying thousands
of dollars in Krugerrands.

- What?
- Gold. Krugerrands.

Your mother snuck 'em in here
stuffed in energy bar wrappers...

to keep me from getting
strangled in the shower or worse.

- Stabbed?
- In a way.

I used them to pay off
the other guys.

To stop them from hollering
obscenities at my... my little girl.

But you keep coming back here, honey,
and I'm going broke.

That's all I ever wanted from you, Daddy.

For you to spend money on me.

No touching!

Gob, I want you to
move back on to the yacht.

The yacht? What makes you think
I'd want to now?

Well, I know that
you've been looking for...

What was that?

I think that was on your end.

The truth is, I can wait on selling the yacht.
It's just money, right?

Wow. How hard did you hit
that steering wheel?

- I actually hit the back of my head.
- The back of your head?

Yeah. Gob, the accident
only happened because...

I was trying to scare you.

- Maybe even hurt you.
- That doesn't sound like you.

It sounds like Mom.

Can we please just lay
off Mom for a change?

She's the one that helped me remember
what happened. I'm the bad guy here. Not her.

And definitely not you,
so, would you please just take the yacht?

I'll think about it.

South America sounds good.

But a chance to expose Mom?

- Turn this skiff around.
- We haven't even left the dock.

But "skiff" is appropriate, right?

Gob rushed to shore
to spare his brother...

from what he was certain
were his mother's machinations.

- What are you doing?
- Hey. Open this door.

- You've been set up.
- Michael!

There's no way you were trying to hurt me.
You don't hate me.

Mom hates me.
You kind of like me.

- Yeah. I kind of like you.
- Yeah.

- Michael, I need your help.
- Coming.

- Ow! I got hit back there.
- Right!

On the back of the head, which means that
you couldn't have hit the steering wheel.

Mom must have clubbed you with a
champagne bottle or something so she could drive.

- Gob, how'd you figure it out?
- It's funny you should ask that...

No. He didn't figure anything out.

I probably got hit on the back of the head
because of Buster's rock.

Hey, big shot!

Which was behind the passenger seat.

Which means that she picked you up
and dragged you over to the driver's seat.

Mom can't pick me up. She could barely
pick up that bag of protein bars.

Guess what? They weren't protein bars.

They were gold Krugerrands.
And Dad finally paid attention to my intellect.

- Open this door!
- Gob, this is nuts.

Mother is frail.

- Stop this nonsense this instant!
- You set him up, Mom.

I was halfway to South America,
but I couldn't let you get away with it...

because we're brothers, Mom,
and we kind of like each other.

- You were going to South America?
- I don't think so.

Mom, you and I were getting along so well.
I was thinking so highly of you.

How could you make me think
this was all my fault?

Because if you knew it was my fault,
you would've turned against me.

And I had finally gotten you on my side.
You were sticking up for me.

l-I don't even remember
you ever doing that before.

I just want my children to love me.

Stop lying. Stop manipulating.
Just be nicer.

But...

You're right.

I'm a horrible mother.

- No, no, Mom. You're great.
- That's crazy talk.

- You're a fantastic mother.
- I can't believe what I'm hearing, Mother.

Oh, we do. We really love you.

On the next
Arrested Development.

George Michael and Maeby sneak back
into Les Cousins Dangereux.

Excuse me. You're too young to be
holding that ticket.

- Let's go.
- I can't go to jail.

- Let's just watch cartoons.
- Sir, we will not be starting with Les Cousins...

- until you leave.
- Excuse me, but I thought my A.A.R.P. card...

- was good for one and a guest.
- You know what?
I knew society would never accept this.

And they never will.
- Michael's
insurance takes another hit.

Ow!

I was definitely driving that time.