Arrested Development (2003–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Beef Consomme - full transcript

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son
who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael Bluth was
infatuated with his brother's girlfriend, Marta...

a Spanish-language
soap opera star.

But when he found out she was interested
in a man named Hermano, he confronted her.

Unfortunately, he discovered too late...

that "hermano"
in Spanish meant "brother,"

and the person Marta was infatuated with
was, in fact, himself.

This was distracting Michael the next day when
he went to meet his father's attorney at prison.



Look, there is nothing to it.
It's an arraignment.

They announce the charges.
However, it would help if you all showed up...

Iooking like a loving,
supportive family.

- For how long?
- Ten minutes, tops.

See if you can
get it down to five.

You know, maybe I should confess
these crimes, save everybody the trouble.

Oh, get off the mount. You're coming home,
guilty or somehow found not guilty.

Hello?

What the hell is going on? I'm waiting to
hear about Marta and this Hermano guy.

Yeah, I checked it out.
I do not think that she's cheating.

- I'm going over to Marta's.
- No, no, no. Don't do that, okay?

just lay low, be cool
and I'll talk to her again.

- That way you won't look so desperate, you know?
- You're a good guy, mon fr?re.

That means "brother" in French.



I don't know why I know that.
I took four years of Spanish.

So Michael went to speak with Marta...

about the misunderstanding
from the night before.

- I owe you an apology.
- No, I owe you an apology.

I'm so ashamed that
I was so disrespectful to your brother.

Oh, who cares?
Nobody respects him.

You see, Marta, I have been interested
in you since the first day that we met.

- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.

It doesn't matter.

We live by a code, you and l...
to honor family.

Yes. That's one of the things that attracted
me to you... your sense of right and wrong.

I also like your hair
and your face and your breasts.

- You're so unlike your brother.
- Oh, thank you.

- Gob is like the cock of the walk. But not you.
- You are so kind.

- You're sensitive, like a woman.
- That's enough.

We do have to do
the right thing.

- And being together is the wrong thing.
- Very, very...

wrong.

- Is that Gob?
- He likes to make love to this.

- I'm gonna turn this off.
- Please.

Oh!

- Gob's wand.
- Oh, this... this is so wrong.

- Yes.
- No, no, no. Not-Not-Not... Not... Not hot wrong.

- You know, regular wrong. I gotta tell Gob.
- No, I have to tell him.

Yes, but you speak a little slowly, and I
really want to get this thing moving along.

So, listen, you do the noble thing, and you
tell him that you've met somebody else.

I'm gonna do the noble thing
and tell him that it's me.

While I'm doing my noble thing you could put
those photos in a box, get rid of the wand...

and we can do the wrong thing
the right way.

And Maeby was getting tired
ofher parents'constant fighting.

I'm saying every time something
starts to go well for you, you blow it.

Nothing has ever gone well for me,
and you know that!

That's my point,
you handsome cowboy, you.

Oh, great. And now you're mocking me,
you selfish, country-music-loving lady.

Hello, Maeby.

Nice cover. Why don't you two just get
a divorce and save us all a lot of grief?

The night before, Tobias and Lindsay
had chosen to sleep in separate rooms...

and Tobias had dropped
an intriguing bit of information.

And then, of course, we couldn't conceive,
so there was that famous ordeal.

What do you mean, you couldn't conceive?
Was Maeby adopted?

Is she not really related to me?
Is she just some girl I know?

George Michael never got an answer.
- It's Carl Weathers.

So he set about doing some
investigating on his own.

- Hey, have you ever seen any
pictures of your mom pregnant?
- Don't talk to me about my mom.

She's crazy.
Both of them are.

- Sometimes I wish we weren't even related.
- Hey, you know, maybe we're not.

Because, I mean, when you think about it,
we don't even really look like each other.

No, I was talking
about my parents.

God, what's wrong
with this family?

Maybe we're not a family.

And maybe that's
very, very right. We...

Uncle Gob.
Hey, uh, was Aunt Lindsay ever pregnant?

Oh, yeah. Dozens of times.
Hey, is your dad around, or...

- Hey, Gob. Marta call?
- She sure has...

four times,
but I didn't take the calls.

Oh, no? Why not?

- Because of you. You said to lay low.
And it's working.
- Great.

Tell you what, you may not be good with women,
but you are great with other people's women.

I'll give you that.
- No! Listen, Gob,
you can't just ignore her.

Maybe you should talk to her.
She is your girlfriend.

Exactly. And I want
to keep it that way.

For all I know, she's calling to break up with me.
I don't answer the phone, that doesn't happen.

And it's all because of you, fratello.
That's Italian for brother.

Now all I gotta do
is find this Hermano guy.

- I'm gonna kill him.
- Hey, Brother.

- Hey, Busty.
- Hey, Brother.

- Hey, Buster.
- Gob, there's no need for violence.

There never is. I'd like to think
that we're all intelligent, mature...

adults that can settle
their differences...

whenever they might come to light,
through words.

Yeah, well, I let my fists
do the talking.

Not this one, 'cause obviously,
I need it for coin tricks and stuff.

- But this one, I let it speak for both of them.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Mom always taught us to curl up in a ball
and remain motionless when confronted.

That's what I did in high school
when I almost got into a fight.

- I think that was about being attacked by bears.
- Yeah, I know.

Hey, rich kid.
Gimme your lunch money.

But sometimes I wonder what it would be like
to get into a fight today.

- You'd be a much bigger ball.
- There is so much in life
that I have not experienced.

And now that I'm away from Mom,
I feel like this is my chance to live.

I want to dance. I want to make love
to a woman. I want to get a checking account.

I want to know what
it feels like to get my face socked in.

Michael, don't get that! That could be Marta!

What? Oop! Too late. Hello?

- Michael?
- Oh, hi, Mom.

- I'm not here.
- Is that Buster? Tell him I'm fine without him.

Why haven't you called me back?
I'm worried about your father's hearing.

Mom, listen, it's gonna be fine.
I'm on it, okay? I'm taking care of it.

- I'll be there first thing Friday morning.
- It's tomorrow at 4:30.

- Oh. I should write that down.
- Where is your head, Michael?

Everything's gonna be fine.
They just read the charges...

and we look like a loving family for,
like, six minutes.

- Ten minutes.
- We couldn't get that down, huh?

George Michael, meanwhile,
went to speak with Tobias.

- This was just faxed to you.
- Oh, great! The rewrite.

Let's see if they've
beefed up my part.

I got three lines!

So, uh, I've been thinking about that, uh... that
conversation we were having the other night...

about, uh, where Maeby
came from, and, uh...

I was just wondering if
you could finish that thought.

Yes, okay.
Uh, well, have a seat.

Uh...

Um...

When a man...

needs to prove to a woman
that he's actually...

When a man loves a woman...

and he actually wants
to make love, uh, to her...

something very,
very special happens.

And, uh, with deep,
deep concentration...

- and-and great focus,
he's often able to achieve an erec...
- I'm sorry.

I'm gonna stop you.
I know where you're running.

l-I didn't mean
babies in general.

Oh, well, that's good,
'cause it was about to get a little, ick, gross.

- Yeah. No, I meant specifically with Maeby.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- This isn't right.
- I know. You're right.

- I'm sorry.
- No, no. It says it's a shower scene.

I'm not supposed to be in a shower scene.
It has nudity.

Tobias was a never-nude,
which is exactly what it sounds like.

I don't do nudity.
It says that right on my r?sum?. Okay?

What... What do you think
I wear these for?

I was never actually
clear on that.

So, you're, uh...
you're not with Marta anymore?

Well, my plan is to get her wanting me
but bad, and then I spring it on her.

I know you've been cheating on me,
and you just cost yourself one fine man...

- and one fine CD of him singing
"Love is in the Air."
- Well, I would never, uh...

do this while you were
still going out, but, uh...

if you're done with her,
I'd sure like a crack at her.

Right, right.
That sounds great. Go for it, buddy.

But you know that she's kind of
used to being with me, right?

So, it'd be sort of like
going from prime rib to...

I don't know...
weird brother of prime rib.

- Do you even know her?
- I met her. I fell for her.

I've been watching her program, El Amor
Prohibido... The Love That Is Forbidden.

She is the love that's forbidden.

The love of my hermano.

Wait a second. What?
You know Hermano?

"Hermano" is brother in Spanish.
As in, "Hey, hermano."

- Huh.
- Brother?

- Hermano means brother?
- Yeah.

Well, sounds like hermano
is about to get his ass kicked.

Well, this is what I said I wanted.

So, all right. Let's get it over with. Huh!

Uh, so, are you gonna hit me?

No, I'm not gonna hit you. You're not
the brother Marta's cheating on me with.

- Oh. Oh, who is?
- How the hell should I know, Buster?

You know, there is a guy who plays
her older brother on her show.

I think his name is Tio.

Tio.

Well, sounds like someone who you
think's name is Tio...

is about to get his ass kicked.

Thanks for the tip, Buster.

All right, Mom. I'll be sure to tell Buster.
Right. Bye. Mom wanted me to tell you...

that she doesn't care whether you live or die,
but if you're not dead...

she would like to see you at the courthouse
tomorrow in the blue sweater.

- Damn! I hate the blue sweater.
- She said it would look nice with the gray pants.

- Damn it! She's right!
- Where's Gob?

- I think he's heading down to the set
of Marta's soap opera.
- What?

She may be cheating on him
with the guy who plays her brother.

I mean, I still like her,
but we're gonna have to deal with this.

- I gotta go stop him.
- And I've got a blue sweater to steam.

- Good luck.
- Thanks.

Gob raced to confront Tio,
with Michael in hot pursuit.

George Michael, having failed to get
the information he needed from anyone else...

made the ultimate sacrifice
and went to the keeper of the family secrets.

- So, uh, it's about Maeby.
- Oh! That's a lost cause.

- But you get what you pay for, huh?
- Yeah.

- Wait. What-What do you mean, "pay"?
- Fertility tests, lab fees...

donors and implants.

She's not real.
She was made in a cup.

Like soup... a hundred and thirty
thousand dollar cup of soup.

How do you like them egg rolls,
Mr. Goldstone?

All I know is it took an extra year
before we could add a den.

So are you saying we're
not directly related?

I'm saying she already spent
her inheritance getting here.

Gob, meanwhile, had finally
shown up at the El Amor Prohibido set.

Hey, guy. They tell me you're the actor
who plays Marta's brother, Tio.

-? C?mo?
- Oh, you're gonna be in a coma, all right.

Unfortunately, the actor who played Tio...

had also starred in a Mexican film
about the life of Oscar De La Hoya.

Gob. Hey, hey.

- You all right?
- Where am I? Am I in...
two-thirds of a hospital room?

Yeah, listen, um...

It's me.

I'm the guy that she likes.
"Hermano" is brother.

Me.

- Well, if I'd known it was you,
I wouldn't have minded.
- You wouldn't?

Michael, you're a great guy.

If you liked her, I would have said,
"Go for it."

I do kind of like her.

Go for it.

Hi.

My brother said
we can do it.

That didn't come out as romantic
as I'd hoped, but...

Everything is finally perfect.

Oh, wait. You jinxed it.
Don't worry. I'll turn it off.

Mm. It's just my mother. She's probably
worried about my Dad's... hearing.

Oh. With my Dad,
it is the vision.

Meanwhile, Tobias told Lindsay
that he couldn't do the part.

- It plays naked, okay?
- Tobias, we're gonna have to deal
with this sometime.

I understand you not
wanting to do it on film...

- but you can't even get undressed in front of me.
- It is not you, Lindsay.

I can't get undressed alone.
I can't get undressed by myself.

I mean, this is a real affliction.
I'm sorry it's not recognized here in the states.

But I know for a fact that there are
two members of German Parliament.

They're called
"nein wohlstandig" nude.

But they're German, so...
They speak German, so they have a different...

Yeah, well, it's not normal,
and ignoring it isn't gonna make it go away.

You've got nothing
to be ashamed of.

Please, please don't make fun.

I'm not making fun.

Look, how 'bout we
do this together?

You take off your shirt,
and I'll take off my jacket.

You know, this family can be pretty
screwed up sometimes. But the good news is...

Actually, I used to think that, too,
but it's better than the alternative.

Well, have you explored all the alternatives?
'Cause I guess what I'm getting at is...

No, but I'm glad I have
this family, you know?

'Cause I know I said some bad stuff,
but it's much better here than it was in Boston.

And I have a cousin here. So even if my
parents do get divorced, I have you, right?

George Michael realized
that no matter how much it upset him...

he didn't want to take
Maeby's family away from her.

- Yeah, you got us all right.
- Now all I need is a boyfriend.

Lucille was left alone
with her oldest son at the courthouse.

just you and me, huh?

God, why am I the only one who
ever comes through in this family?

And George Sr. was led into the courtroom.

- Where the hell is everybody?
- I'm here, Dad.

I can't believe no one showed up.
I don't know. Maybe it's for the best.

Maybe I should just stay in prison
so my family can be free.

- Look, you're my husband,
and you belong back at home with me.
- Wow.

- You really love me.
- Call it what you want.

I'm tired of paying Lupe
to clean one dish.

I'm sorry, sorry. I'm so late.
I had another hearing.

I think I'm gonna
get off, huh? I have a good lawyer.

You look great in red. Okay.

"Anyhoo," what are we doing here?
What's the plan?

The plan? You're our lawyer.

It's a figure of speech.
You're gonna be fine.

Oh, for God's sake. He's on his own
for two days, and he joins a gang.

These guys?
Oh, I've got them for the afternoon.

Besides, they're the only thing
I have left to live for in this world.

Oh, stop being so dramatic.
You know where I live.

I wasn't talking about you, Mom.
I was talking about Marta.

Excuse me.

You were serious? 'Cause I got news for you, pal.
Marta's been interested in Michael.

That's right... dull,
nothing-going-on-upstairs...

- Michael.
- Yeah, I know.

- I saw them making out at her front door.
- What? When?

just now. Huh!

The stuff I've got to work out with Marta
just keeps piling up.

- Unbelievable.
- All rise.

This court is now in session,
the Honorable Lionel Ping presiding.

- Oh! We've got Ping.
- I want to remind you...

that there are no cameras
allowed in my courtroom.

Conspiracy, racketeering,
evidence tampering...

fraud, theft,
grand theft, petty theft...

- Wow. l-I did not get that page.
- resisting arrest...

- Michael.
- resisting arrest at the scene.

- How dare you!
- Now, come on. You said it was okay.
And nothing happened!

- Oh, did I?
- Take it easy.

- Order!
- Is that my belt?

- Well, so what? Get your hands off me!
- What is your problem?

What are you doing? What's
the matter with you? Get off him! George!

George Sr., having never heard his charges...

listed consecutively in one sitting,
panicked and ran with great intensity.

Michael and Gob continued their fight
onto the courthouse steps.

Stop it before someone gets hit in the face!

Buster realized this was his opportunity
to fulfill a longtime fantasy.

Oh, for God's sake! Barry!

Barry, too, felt overwhelmed
by the charges leveled against his client...

- and also took flight.
- What are you doing?
They'll add ten years to your sentence.

- and also took flight.
- What are you doing?
They'll add ten years to your sentence.

They'll never catch me!

Oh, good. We better get you
back in your cell.

It's gettin' kind of crazy out there.

Back at the model home, things
were heating up for Lindsay and Tobias as well.

- I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't.
- For me, Tobias.

That too.

- You did it.
- Now what?

- Now this.
- And for the first time in years...

Lindsay and Tobias became intimate.

The brothers'fight, meanwhile,
continued into the park...

with Buster still hoping
to take a punch.

- I'll kill you!
- Oh, God!

- Go, go, go, go!
- Lucille had decided that perhaps...

she was better off
without any of them.

- Me! Me, me, me!
- Buster, get out of the way!

Hit me in the face!
Hit me in the face! Hit me in the face!

- Please! Hit me in the face!
- No! Buster!

- Aah! Buster!
- While Marta...

who'd been told the hearing would last
10 minutes, got tired of waiting.

Hey! Hey!

- Marta.
- Marta.

What is wrong with you? I thought you were
good people. I thought you were noble.

I thought you cared about family,
but you clearly don't.

l-It's over.
Both of you. It's over.

Wait, wait.
What about, what about me?

I'm sorry.
I'm not totally sure who you are.

Wow! Wow.

That's what it feels like
to get punched in the face.

- Can you believe that?
- Yeah, lecturing us about family.

I mean, who needs that?

And what are we doing?
Hey, we're brothers.

- That's gotta count for something.
- That counts for everything.

- I'm not gonna throw it away over some woman.
- Heh! Especially not my woman.

- Hmm?
- But you're right, you're right.
I mean, this is what's real.

- This is what lasts. Everything else is just petty.
- Yeah, totally beneath us.

- Yeah.
- And by the way, I don't know
how you call her your woman...

when she clearly prefers me, and she was
all prepared to be my girlfriend...

- calling me her boyfriend...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey!

- Hang on one second.
- This is all moot, because she
never got a chance to know me.

Now, will someone please have the decency
to punch me in the face?

Aah!

- Well, it's effective.
- Yeah, it really is.

On the next
Arrested Development.

Tobias quietly overcompensates.

Please tell me
there's some coffee left.

Give me some.

I slept very well
last night.