Are You There, Chelsea? (2012): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

The best thing about
December 17th

is that I finally
power-slurped the worm

out of a high-end
bottle of tequila.

The worst thing?

I got a DUI and ended up
in Essex county jail.

Since it was my first
time in lockdown,

I didn't know what to expect.

My new roommates were
mostly inked-up tweakers.

Except for one.

I don't know what her crime was,

but it was obviously
fashion related.



What are you looking at, Barbie?

Think you're better than me?

No.

I was just thinking
you would benefit

from a really good bra.

Is that your idea of
some kind of joke?

It was quickly becoming apparent
to me that this situation

was much more serious
than I had realized.

Then it hit me... I had to
make friends with this woman,

really quickly.

I'll be in your bunk an
hour after lights out.

Mmm. Wow!

Perhaps I thought too fast.

My friendly overture had made
the situation even worse.



So I did what I do whenever
I really screw up...

I prayed.

Are you there, vodka?

It's me, Chelsea.

I know I messed up, but if
you let me out of this cell,

I swear I'll turn
my life around.

Hey, blonde.

Time to go home.

Damn, you're good.

What?

It was a December 17th miracle.

My judge-y, super-Christian
sister Sloane

came to bail me out.

Sloane, thanks for this.
You're the best.

Hey, you.

Cross your legs, will you?

Thank you for getting
arrested, by the way.

I really enjoyed using a prison
toilet for the first time.

And hopefully my unborn baby
will enjoy her Chlamydia.

I'm 39 weeks pregnant and my
husband's in Afghanistan,

and you're the one who's supposed
to drive me to the hospital.

I am tired of bailing you out.

Sloane, you never bail me out.

Yes, I see the irony.

I lived with you in the
basement for a week

after you wrecked dad's car.

Nobody is a good driver
when they're 13.

And what about the
time I handled dad

when you and Olivia had those
marines in your bedroom?

It was veterans day.

We were being patriotic.

Holding a flag between your
legs is not patriotism.

I'm really changing things.

I even prayed in the
holding cell, Sloane.

Vodka is not the lord.

Are you sure?

They're both invisible
and have a hand

in unexplained pregnancies.

Wow, Chelsea. A DUI.

Man, congratulations.

Now you've officially done
everything under the influence.

That's helpful. Thank you.

I would have driven her, except
I passed out on the couch

in the ladies room.

What's your excuse?

Well, I was mopping up the floor

around the couch in
the ladies room.

So loudly.

Olivia has been my best
friend since grade school.

Ever since we were little,
she's always had my back.

Some people have pit bulls

hey, watch it!

Ooh!

I have Olivia.

Chels, listen to me. You
know what your problem is?

I work with a bartender who
gives unsolicited advice?

No. You're trying to
drink like a guy.

Last night I drank
like two guys.

Well, believe me,
guys don't like that.

Oh, no. How will I
ever hook me a man?

In order to understand my
strange and complicated

relationship with Rick, you
need to know something.

One night, less
than 3 years ago,

we got really drunk and
discovered we shared one trait

that would forever keep
us from hooking up.

We both like to be on top.

I'll it. I'll get it.

I'm gonna get it I got it.

It's gotten. I'll get it!

Oh, you're such a man. You won.

Hello! Jerry's
ultimate sports bar.

If you can't finish your
drinks, our waitress will.

Man, I'm going to have to make
some big changes in my life.

Are you going to quit drinking?

Yeah. Right after I
quit dry-humping.

Heads up!

That's Todd, our bar back.

We all feel sorry for him because
of his obvious challenge.

Here's your limes.

Todd, these are lemons.

He's colorblind.

Do you know anybody that is
looking for an apartment?

'Cause there's a girl in my building
that's looking for roommates.

Your apartment's like a
block from here, right?

Yeah.

Ok. Do you see what's happening?

A plan is presenting itself.

This is how it works for me.

I get a DUI, and
then all of a sudden

an apartment walking distance
from work mysteriously opens up.

Great, so that's
your plan, then?

You're gonna move a
block away from work

and just continue to drink
as much as you ever did?

Well, if I'm that close, I
should probably drink more.

113...

114...

115.

115 steps from the bar.

Huh. I got 2-0-4.

Hey, you must be Chelsea and Olivia.
Come on in.

The bachelor's about to
hand out the final rose,

so I hope you can wait to
talk about the apartment.

If you saw it last
night, don't spoil it.

Oop! They're flashing
back to the hot tub.

I can't watch this with people.
It's too dirty.

Brownies? I just made them.
They're still warm.

If these have hash in
them, I want to marry you

and adopt a biracial baby.

You're so funny.

I'm not that funny.

But I do have a pretty good joke book.
Hold on.

Wow. This place is sweet.

I know. It's giving
me lady wood.

Are you sure it's not from that
black guy in the elevator?

'Cause that's what's
working me right now.

I've gotta get this
place, Olivia.

And you need to move in with me.

I know. I have got to get
out of my parents' house.

My clothes smell like kimchi.

Plus, this place is
closer to Manhattan.

Don't you have a job
interview tomorrow?

For an unpaid internship.

I was such an idiot to
major in journalism.

No, you were an idiot
to go to college.

And even if I do get a real job,

it'll probably pay half of
what I make at the bar.

Then why do it?

Because it's the American dream.

You people made it up.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow who?

Moo.

Oh! Ha ha ha!

Love.

Hi, dad. Hi, sweetie.

Your big sister told
me about your DUI.

Nice work, Chelsea.

She is such a narc.

You need a lecture, or did
you learn your lesson?

I learned my lesson.

Good. Enough said.

Hey, look. I got you a camera

to film Sloane's birth.

Are you sure? I don't want to tape
over the Kennedy assassination.

How about "thank
you," little missy?

My dad hates shelling
out money for anything.

Dad, this isn't a
cabbage patch doll.

It's a lettuce leaf kid.

Dad, I'm not using
that piece of crap

to film the birth
of my first niece.

I don't know what it
is with you girls

about filming down
there, anyway.

I was in Vietnam, and
the worst thing I saw

was a young gal giving birth
on the side of the road.

It was a total bloodbath.

Hey, Chels, you know, we just got
a new video camera for the bar

so we can show people
dancing on the monitors.

Here. Melvin, dance
a little bit.

Right. Picture that,
but with hot women.

Well, here, you can
borrow it if you want.

What? Rick, you are like
the king of hooking me up.

The camera, the apartment.

I know we've had our
differences, but I am this close

to giving you a handie.

Hey!

If he's a gentleman.

Hey, Todd, what you got there?

Well, inspired by you, Chels, I
started a little side business

where I drive drunk people
home in their own cars.

And then you drive
home on this thing?

Yeah. It folds up and I
put it in the trunk.

And I put my pedal
extenders in my backpack.

Hey, can I leave some of
these coupons at the bar?

"Driving miss drunkie."

Nice!

I'm not allowed to drive right
now, but I will hand these out.

I'm very influential in
the drunk community.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I have a meeting.

Dad, don't pee in the alley.

Don't drink and drive.

Huh? Jeez, look at that dude.

All right, look,
before you knock him,

he's actually a really cool guy.

He's smart, too. He's in I.T.
And I think he went to Harvard.

Uh-huh. Really?

He should have gone
to clown college

and learned to pull fish out of his
pants, like the good lord intended.

Hey, man. I'm Jonathan.
Rick, right?

Hey, yeah. You drink,
uh, vodka and...

right. More vodka.

Vodka and more vodka?
That's my drink.

I'm Chelsea, by the way.

It occurred to me that I had
judged another human being

based on his horrible clown hair

without even bothering to
find out what he drinks.

I began to admire him for having
the confidence to walk around

with a lid like that.

Obviously it wasn't his
fault he was a redhead.

It was his gross ancestors.

Clearly some old bitch back
there shagged the court Jester.

What an interesting person.

See, maybe I should go out
with someone like that.

Even if he does look
like Kathy Griffin.

Is he single?

Well, more importantly,

is he a bottom?

I don't need someone who's
always a bottom, Rick.

Just sometimes a bottom.

Sometimes.

Hey, whatever you need
to tell yourself, Chels.

I was there.

Hey, guys.

Quick question.

Do you want to go out sometime?

Yeah. My treat. Me?

And don't worry, we'll
go somewhere cheap

so you don't feel
pressured to put out.

Oh, I have low self-esteem,
so I always put out.

Bottoms up!

Like 98% of women who can see,

I'd never been a fan
of the redheaded male.

But Jonathan was really sweet.

So I took him to a place
where he wouldn't stick out

like a freckled sore thumb.

Tommy o'Flanagan's Irish pub.

Wow, great place.

I thought you'd like it.

I do. You know what else I like?

Your hair. It looks
really pretty tonight.

Thanks. And how about your...

Shirt.

It's very nice.

Oh, would you like another pint?

I don't know, I'm kind of full.

Would it be cool if I
unbuttoned the top of my pants?

If you want, you can just take them
off and wrap my coat around you.

I like where this is going.

I probably should
have asked Dee Dee

if it's ok to bring a
cat in the apartment.

Relax, she'll be fine.

Is there a Kitty out here?

Kitty, Kitty!

If it's a problem, I can
just pawn him off on my dad.

Oh, no way. I love cats.

They just do whatever
they want to do.

Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!

Wow, Dee, if you could
never do that again,

that would be fantastic.

I'm a cat. I don't
care what you think.

Oh, my God. How do
you ever get laid?

I'm waiting till I get married,

like the Jonas brothers.

So, you're a virgin?

Everywhere? Mm-hmm.

Of course.

Thank you. That is amazing.

I think the first time you open
your Pikachu, confetti comes out.

I think mine whistled.

He's so beautiful.
What's his name?

Ass face.

Okey dokey, I'm gonna
call him boots.

Oh, my God. We're gonna
have to get her laid.

No. She is a rare and
beautiful creature.

We need to keep her
exactly the way she is

and stuff her when she dies.

Oh, hey, Sloane. Did you come
to check out the new place?

You know, we have Lamaze
tonight, remember?

You're about to become
a terrible aunt.

Sloane, I'm sorry. I thought
Lamaze was tomorrow night.

Oh, that's so unusual. Usually you're
so protective of your brain cells.

Ha ha. I'm supposed
to work tonight.

But I could try to find
someone to cover my shift.

Olivia, can you cover my shift?!

No. Well, that's out.

Well, this is ridiculous. I
mean, I have to go by myself?

Sloane, come on. It's the
same thing every week.

It's just, push, plop, done.

Can I ask you a question?
Have you ever considered

about how you're gonna
get me to the hospital?

Uh, cab?

Cabs can take up
to a half an hour.

I know. That's why
everyone drives drunk.

You know, this isn't
a joke to me.

This is me having a baby, ok?

I need somebody I can count on,

not somebody who's gonna
siphon off my epidural.

Just stay home, then. You don't
even have to come to the hospital.

Come on, you need me. Mom's gone,
and Chris is in Afghanistan.

Well, I'll ask sister
Mary Francis to come.

Sister Mary Francis? You're
gonna have someone play catcher

who's never even played
with a bat before?

Ok, good night, Chelsea.

Wait. Are you seriously
saying you'd rather

have some old nun there than me?

Yes. At least she doesn't
drink herself into jail

on saturday nights.

That's because she has to
work on sunday morning.

I can't believe Sloane
doesn't want me

at the birth of my own niece?

I had so many good plans.

One thing I wanted to do was really
scare the baby right when it came out.

That way, everything from there
on out would be a piece of cake.

Simmer down, boots.

Ass face does not like to be
held, Dee Dee. He's mean.

Oh, no. You're not mean. Mmm.

Are those scratch
marks on your neck?

Yeah. He's angry
'cause he can't talk.

Chelsea, I've been thinking
about you and your sister.

You know, my mom and dad
would fight and my dad and I

would bake cupcakes for her.

Did that help?

No. She became a diabetic

and ran off with her doctor.

Oh.

It's ok. He's a
really good doctor.

He caught it early, so she
still has both her feet.

I just can't get past
this Sloane thing.

I just keep grinding on it.

Maybe you should grind
on something else.

Clear your head, get
yourself back to normal.

It has been a while since
my bottom half smiled.

There you go!

Yeah. What?

That night I sent Olivia
and Dee Dee to pizza hut

and called Jonathan.
He came right over.

It was as if he was just sitting
in front of the phone in a halfie.

I was kind of curious to
be with my first redhead.

But while I had made
peace with the drapes,

I'd forgotten about the carpet.

Good lord! It was like
a clown in a leg lock.

What's the matter?

It's just... You got a
lot going on down there.

I do?

Yeah.

But it's cute. It's
like red Easter grass.

A little dense, though.

There could be bunnies in there.

What?

Hey, I'm just kidding.

Hey, I know. A little trim might
make you more comfortable.

And I got scissors
in here somewhere.

Now?

Ohh.

I'm sorry, I gotta take this.

You know what, Chelsea?
This is not working for me.

What? Wait! No, don't
put your clothes on.

We can just turn off the light.

Good night, Chelsea.

Dad, this better be important.

I'm with Sloane at the hospital.
You gotta get down here.

- Sloane's in labor?
- Yeah, and she's having a tough time.

Get it out of me!

Ok, I'll, uh, I'll
be right there.

I didn't care if we were
in some stupid fight.

Over the years, whenever
I got into trouble,

Sloane was always
there to bail me out.

So when that baby came
bailing out of her,

I wanted to be
there to catch it.

Seriously, dad, I don't think
this epidural is working.

Think of the pioneer
women, sweetie.

All they could do was
scream and bite on a rag.

Or die!

Hi. I know you said not to
come to the hospital, but...

get your ass in here. Sister
Mary Francis is dead to me!

Ok, one in, one out. I
think those are the rules.

I don't think I can
do this, Chelsea.

Sloane, you can do this.

Girls at the prom do
this all the time.

Just out of curiosity,

what do you girls wear
under that getup?

Buy me a pack of smokes
and I'll tell you.

Oh, look at her.
She is fantastic.

I know. I'm so crazy
about her already.

Let's see how you feel when you see what
she did to your entertainment center.

Have you decided on a name yet?

Yes. I'm gonna name
her after mom.

Sylvia, huh?

Well, that's our mother's name, yeah.
Sylvia.

Dad's gonna love that.
He's such a kiss-ass.

I know.

I know you hate when I
say goopy stuff to you,

but I have to tell you
that I don't think

I could have done
this without you.

I really mean it. Thank you.

Just for the record,
you pooped a little

when you were pushing.

I know.

I did that for you.

Have a cigar.

Sir, cigar.

Chels, congratulations.

Thanks.

Yeah, you finally have
someone to call baby

who's not on top of you.

You mean underneath me.

Dee Dee, have a cigar.

Oh, no, thank you.

Then at least do your shot.

It smells like oven cleaner.

Just close your eyes and down
it or else you hate the baby.

Oh...

Oh, I think my ears popped.

The dance floor is now open!

Hey, Chels, where's the camera?

It's right there.

All right, everybody,
if you would be so kind

as to turn your attention
to our monitors...

Aaahhhh!

Whoa! Huh. That's my bad.

Well, I promised vodka

I would turn my life around,
and two weeks later

I have a new apartment
and I have a new niece

who I helped bring
into the world.

Trying to trim a redhead...
ridiculous.

But as far as relationships go,

you never know what fate
might put in your path.