Are You There, Chelsea? (2012): Season 1, Episode 2 - Sloane's Ex - full transcript

Oh, Sloane, you miss her?

God, no, these
are tears of joy.

I'm just so happy
no one here

is going to be
attacking my nipples.

It'll be easier when your hubby
gets back from Afghanistan.

God, I hope so.

I wonder what he does
does on weekends.

Oh, he goes
rock climbing.

And then they have this great
little Italian restaurant

that's on a promenade
where they don't allow cars.

And they have wine
and they dance.



- Oh, really?
- No, no!

He hides in holes and
tries not to get killed.

It's a war.

Good evening.

What can I get for you?

I will have a Margarita,
no salt.

Ha ha. I'm sorry, but we
don't serve alcohol here.

Um, but if you want a free
topper on your popcorn,

come back
as much as you want.

They only
inventory the bags.

Is this your first time
ever talking to a woman?

We'll take two medium popcorns
and two diets, please.

It's a buck less
if you share a large combo.

Oh, no, no thanks.
My sister does not like sharing.



Especially mouth STDS.

Sloane, you're blowing it
for me with Stan.

Is not possible.

He has a little boner
for you.

He's 15. He just has
a little boner.

But ever since we've
been little girls,

everybody gets little or big
boners for you, never me.

Well, why do you care?
It's not like you're really into sex.

Excuse me? You don't know
what I'm into.

You made an exclusive
contract with a penis

that's only in town
for maybe 6 days a year.

Yes, and that's why
my hurt locker is aching.

A lot of dudes in here.

Yeah, that's so weird
for a sports bar.

Hey, remind me again
why we don't ever hook up.

You know, just for fun.

Because you're
too damn big.

Good answer.

Chelsea, you'll never guess
who's sitting over there.

Matt Gunn.

Oh, my God. Matt Gun?

Oh, my God.
Who is Matt Gun?

He was Sloane's
High School boyfriend.

Chelsea was so hot
for him.

Come on,
how could I not be?

He was the first guy I ever
successfully fantasized about,

if you know what I mean.

Before that he was just
a man on a seesaw.

A seesaw still works
for me.

I'm so excited
to show him my boobs.

They really took off
in eighth grade.

I've got a feeling
this could really be my year.

I never had a chance at Matt
Gunn when I was little.

I was in middle school
when he was a senior.

Hey, you know, I went out
with a senior last week.

She was 64.

And the osteoporosis

brought her down
to my size.

Matt?

Hi. I don't know
if you remember me,

but I used to try
to sit in your lap

and kiss you
when I was little.

Chelsea?

Of course I remember.
Look at you.

Yeah. All grown up.

God, I remember you parading around
in Sloane's tube tops and heels.

It was hilarious.

Hilarious? Are you saying
I wasn't a sexy child?

There's really no good answer
to that question.

Seriously, how is Sloane?
She's married.

Yeah. Just had a baby,
and she's really happy.

So it looks like
it's gonna stick.

Well, tell her I said hi.

And I don't know
if this is weird,

but I'd love to take you
out to dinner sometime.

That's really weird.
I would love that.

Give me a call.

I will.

And I have my own phone now,
so it should be easy.

In my own bedroom

that I don't share
with anyone anymore.

Ah-choo!

That just gets cuter
the older you get.

I know, but look at
this piece of cheese, Sloane.

It really looks like it.

It's so neat to have
a real sister.

I had an imaginary
sister when I was 7.

Unfortunately, she was
stricken with smallpox.

It was heartbreaking.

You know, she was imaginary.
You could have made her better.

No, my dad had the power of
attorney and pulled the plug.

How were you not raised
by the state?

You're never gonna guess
who I ran into today. Matt Gunn.

Matt Gunn?
My Matt Gun?

How did he look? What did he say?
Did he ask about me?

Yes, he did, and I said
you were doing great.

You know, married,
had a baby.

What did he say?

He asked me out.

Isn't that funny?

Not at all.

I don't get it either.

You can't go out with him.
Permission denied. Absolutely not.

I'm not asking permission.

Well, then good.
Permission denied twice.

Oh, snap.

You cannot date
your sister's ex-boyfriend.

That is very slutty.

Sloane, I would let you date
one of my ex-boyfriends.

What, am I gonna call up
Vinny Machada

and see what time he gets off
at the cigarette factory,

and then we can go down to the
river and molest each other?

Wow, we're really getting
our gal talk on, huh?

Sloane, come on,
there's gotta be

some sort of boyfriend
statute of limitations.

I don't want to argue
about this with you, ok?

You should just respect me
because I'm your sister.

I don't want to fight
like we're on

"The Real Housewives
of New Jersey."

Love that one.

Ok, I won't go out with him.
Are you happy?

Thrilled.

We're all gonna
laugh about this

when we're old and all
still sisters, right?

But we're not sisters
with you.

Can you believe Sloane won't
let me date her ex-boyfriend?

I know. It's like, if you donate
a coat to the salvation army,

you can't be upset
when you see a hobo

having sex with it
on the street.

Exactly. Thank you.

You know, Chels, I gotta say, I
think Sloane has a point here.

If two sisters are gonna
be with the same guy,

it should be
at the same time.

Technically,
they should be twins.

Ok, Rick, we really need to
find you a new Booty call,

because this
is getting annoying.

I'm working on it.

That is my ex-girlfriend,
Nikki Natoli.

All this talk about Sloane's ex
inspired me to look her up.

She's like
a "my size Barbie."

More like a my size Barbie.

All right, all right, be nice, you guys.
This is important to me.

Rick, we want you hooked
up as much as you do,

so we're gonna
make you look good.

Nikki.

- Ricky! Aah!
- Hey, hey.

Nikki and Ricky?

Icky.

Wow, look at you.

You look gorgeous, Nicks.

Oh, I don't know.

Nice.

Do you own this place?

- Me? No.
- Oh.

Um, you know, Rick is the
big boss around here,

so we all respect him,

'cause he's so fair
and good-looking.

Oh, Rick, will you ask that
waitress to get me a drink?

Rick, will you ask your nice friend
what she would like to drink?

Oh, I'll take a kir royale, and I'm
really thirsty and I have to sit down,

so if you're done talking
to me, could you do it now?

Somewhere in Jersey, there's
a hot tub missing a slut.

Thank you, Chelsea.
You're awesome.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she better put out.

- Hi, Chels.
- Hey, dad.

Hey, what can I
get you, Melvin?

Giving away
any mistake drinks?

Uh, I got a gin and milk.

That sounds horrible.

I'll take it on the rocks.

Hey, Chels. Nikki says
the champagne's flat.

- I'll take that.
- No.

Who's the little fat-free
muffin you're sitting with?

That's Rick's ex.

Ah. You found some gum on the bedpost
you want to chew again, huh?

Yeah, yeah, I wish.

Turns out she's engaged
to some guy

who's a resident
in cosmetic surgery.

Oh. I wonder if that stick
up her ass is an implant.

Yeah, well, I got my hopes
up just a little bit,

but, you know, I think she's always
wanted a certain kind of life,

and now she's
getting it, so...

Oh. It's Matt Gunn.

Hey, dad, do you remember
Matt Gunn?

Isn't he the fellow who killed all
those prostitutes in Seattle?

No. God. Dad, he dated
Sloane for like 2 years.

Hmm. I got a little
confession to make.

I wasn't all that interested
in what you kids were doing.

Melvin, Sloane won't let
Chelsea date Matt Gunn.

Isn't that stupid?

Well, Sloane's your sister,

and she's gonna be there
for you long after I'm gone.

So you know what
you have to do. Lie.

What?

Yeah. You know
how when you were kids

I used to go to the
dog track all the time?

- No.
- That's because I lied.

So you're telling me
to lie.

I don't know. I really
don't care that much.

I hope I'm dressed ok.

Matt didn't tell me
where he was taking me.

I just don't think
it's right for you

to lie to your own sister.

I'm not lying.
I'm just waiting to see

if our first date
is any good.

Why upset Sloane
for no reason?

Yeah. You don't want
to mess with Sloane.

You don't go into a polar
bear cage after a penny.

I guess that makes sense.

Well, I'm glad
we're not lying,

because lying literally
makes me sick to my stomach.

When I was in elementary school,
they used to call me

"Pinocchio, oh, my, God,
she threw up."

So if Sloane stops by,
what should we tell her?

Uh, tell her that I ran down to
the store to get some bread.

No, she'll never
believe that.

Tell her I'm sleeping
with some random guy.

So we are lying?

Dee, you don't have to lie.
Just don't answer the door.

Ok. I'm great at avoiding.

You mean when we talk
about penises, right?

Is that light bulb out?

See? There you go.
Don't worry.

Things with Matt and I
probably won't go anywhere.

You guys, I had a crush
on him when I was a kid.

I'm sure we have absolutely
nothing in common.

Wow!

You were great.

I say that to everyone,
but you really were.

I also say that to everyone,
but you really were.

You were unbelievably
awesome.

Thanks.

I get that a lot.

I'm sure I'm no Sloane.

Well, it's not a contest.

No, of course not.
But if it were, I mean...

Come on, right?

Right?

♪ Unga bunga bunga, g

♪ unga bunga binga bunga

Hello?

Hi, Dee Dee, Sloane.
Is Chelsea there?

Oh, no Dee Dee,
no Chelsea.

Can you just
put her on, please?

No Chelsea. Hang up. Adios.

What a strange bird.

Chelsea, it's not
a fair comparison.

Sloane was my girlfriend
for two years.

Are you seriously saying Sloane
was better in bed than me?

Let's go grab breakfast.

Oh, my God!

She was.

Look, there's this great
waffle house down the street...

No, we are going again.

Are you ready?
You better get ready.

I'm really kind of beat.

Oh, you're beat, huh?
You're gonna sleep for days after this one.

Chelsea didn't come home
last night.

I think she slept
at Matt Gunn's house.

Ya think?

I had to lie to Sloane.
I hate being crafty.

Hey, guys. What's up?

You tell us.
What happened with Mike Gunn?

To tell you the truth,
it got kind of freaky.

Really?
So what's he into?

- Sloane.
- What?!

Yeah. Matt said that
sex with me was amazing,

but apparently not as amazing
as it was with my sister.

Oh, wow.
This bar towel is soft,

and it smells like
the great outdoors.

Well, Sloane, huh?
I didn't know she had it in her.

Well, she did.
And apparently, it was very happy.

Man, this must be
driving you crazy.

I just don't know what
she did that was so great.

I don't know, maybe Sloane
was just more demure.

Since when is that sexy?

How many pornos do you see
called "Debbie does quilting"?

I'd give that a once-over.

Remember? She did spend
a week in Thailand

with her 10th-grade class.

Yeah. Maybe she learned to shoot
ping pong balls out of...

Oh, that cat ain't gonna
feed itself. Bye!

Oh, it's Nikki. She says she's coming by.
Wonder what she wants.

It's her second time here in one week.
What do you think she wants?

I think she wants to put Rick's chicken
wing back in her blue cheese dip.

Coming!

Chelsea, it's me.

Ooh! No Chelsea.

No Chelsea, no Dee Dee. Ooh.

Dee Dee, I can see you.

Hey, Sloane. Sorry.
I'm practicing for a puppet show.

Chelsea's not here.

Well, as much as
it pains me to say it,

I actually owe her
an apology,

and I'm not coming
to that puppet show.

Ohh. We're sold out,
anyway.

The reviews
have been terrific.

Oh, really? The reviews?
Who's been reviewing the puppet show?

Oh, the "New York review
of puppets"?

What's
the puppet show about?

It's about children and
diversity and recycling.

Dee Dee, you're lying to me.
I can smell it.

Chelsea had sex
with Matt Gunn. I'm sorry.

She slept with him?!

But he said you were
better in bed.

He said that?

Yeah, he said
you're better in bed.

Oh, my God! Except for
giving birth to what's-her-face,

this is the happiest day
of my life.

Are you pumping up for Nikki?

I don't have a lot of money.
Leave me alone.

Nikki, you look great,
as always.

That's 'cause I'm pretty.

It was really great reconnecting
with you the other day.

Yeah, you know, I've been
thinking about it a lot, too.

That's why I feel comfortable
just coming out with this.

- I want you...
- I want you, too.

No, no, let me finish.
You're embarrassing yourself.

I want you to hire me.

Oh, no, no, no.

Right now.

Why would you want
to work here

when you're marrying
a doctor?

Well, the truth is,

right now he's just
a broke resident.

Ok, but don't you think
it'd be too hard

being around each other
all the time?

I don't like to work,

so it's better
if I have a boss

who's attracted to me.

You say the same thing.

Shut up.

I've rung up a buttload
of credit card bills.

Can you please
just give me a shot?

That's a great idea.
Let's shoot her.

Hey, Chelsea.

Hi, Sloane.

Oh, hey, Sylvia.

Oh, she's looking
more and more like me.

That's because she's
passed out and drooling.

Well, you seem happy.

I am. I'm having
such and good day.

Listen, I was also
thinking, you know what?

I thought it was wrong and
immature of me to tell you

not to go out
with Matt Gunn.

Really? Well, I haven't
thought about him

since that day.
You said he was off limits.

No, and I appreciate that.
You're just being a good sister,

but, I mean,
he's a great guy.

I think you should
go out with him.

Maybe. I mean, if I can
find his number.

I bet you can.

He's just very passionate, and,
you know, he's just a lot of fun,

and there's some things he was
kind of really, really into

I thought maybe would help you
if you did want to call him.

Well, what? I mean, what...
what... what are the...

Well, it's like...
it's in... in the bedroom.

Well, God, I mean, I don't even
know if we'd get that far.

Ok, well, see you.

No, wait, no, no, no.

In case we do...
I want to know.

What is the thing?

Ok, well, there was
something

that he really, really,
really liked.

Hi, baby.

Who's my big boy?

Look at you.

Look at you!

What's this?

Did somebody drop a rattle?

Do you want
a shakey-wakey?

No. No!

Between the slug
thing and this,

I think we ought
to cut our losses.

I thought you liked
baby play.

Baby what?

Now, what would
make you think that?

Nothing. Never mind.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to return some bath toys.

Is that a diaper bag?

You'll never see me again,
so, yes.

Judge Judy's trying to decide
if that fat guy

stole the nice black lady's
security deposit.

Dad, why do you
come over here

if you're just gonna
sit around and watch TV?

To be with my granddaughter.

Now, how about
you fix me some toast?

I'm doing laundry. I can't believe
mom's dead and you're still here.

She's looking down
at you now,

wishing you'd make me
some toast.

Hey.
Hope you're happy.

I just had to put my pants
on in Matt Gunn's elevator.

Oh, it's time for girl talk.
I think I'll just make some toast.

- You humiliated me.
- Well, I'm sorry.

I should have told you
he really liked,

getting slapped around
a little bit.

I know that's a lie
because I tried that.

Well, then you just need
to deal with the fact

that your older sister
beat you at your own game,

and I was in High School.
Booyah!

All right. I get it.

You can gloat. I get it.

I lied, and I deserve it.

Yes, you do.

Sloane, just tell me
what you did.

I'm never gonna
see this guy again.

You really want to know?

Yeah. More than
a smart person should. Yes.

Ok. 3 words.

I loved him.

Ok, uh-huh,
and then you did what?

You need to sit down.
I need to talk to you about emotions.

So cover up your coslopus
and pay attention.

Life is not
all about sex, ok?

Wait, why do you
smell like bourbon?

Because dad's been here
all afternoon.

Oh.

You know, I need you
to just understand

that I'm concerned
about you and having

an actual connection
with someone.

Someone that loves you.
Someone that appreciates

all the great qualities
that you have.

Somebody that looks
into your eyes

and loves
that you're ridiculous

and loves that you're
silly and messy

and all of the wonderful
things about you.

You can have that,
and I want you to have that.

I want you to have somebody who
gives you all of those things.

Not just someone who can
give you an orgasm.

See, when you say "orgasm,"
it does not sound fun.

All right. Look,
I just feel like...

When that happens, it'll break
through all the clutter

and I'll just know.
But, Sloane, it hasn't happened yet.

I know, but you need
to be open to it.

That's why I don't
wear underwear, Sloane.

I hear you. All right?
I get it.

Well, I guess I should
return this to you.

We didn't even get to use
the thermometer.

Is it safe
to come back in?

- Orgasm!
- Menstruation!

Hey, Rick. I just came by
to pick up my paycheck.

Yep.

Are you kidding me?

Hi, can I help you?

Ha ha.

Ha ha. Would you like
to sit at a bar

or a table?

You don't remember me?

I'm sorry. I just
started working here.

Oh, my God.
We met the other day.

Oh, right. You like to eat the
bar food and watch the game.

Ok. Uh, Rick, can you ask our new
waitress to make me a drink?

Oh. You're that one.

I like the cranky
little Asian better.

Yeah. So do I.