Are You Being Served? Again! (1992–1993): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript
Mr. Humphries and Miss Moulterd take a horse and carriage ride into town, to pick up Mr. Thorpe when his train arrives. On their way there, Malcolm Heathcliff catches up with them on his bike, once again threatening Mr. Humphries not to come near Miss Moulterd. When Mr. Thorpe has arrived, he informs the gang that a group of guests from Outer Mongolia will arrive, but unfortunately, they paid for their stay in their Mongolian currency in advance, when it was 200 to the British pound. Now, it is 500 to the pound, which means what they have paid is not worth even half of what it was. However, as they still expect to be entertained, the gang first discuss various ways of providing entertainment, even auditioning people from the village. In the end, they decide to perform for the Mongolians themselves. In the evening, when the Mongolians have gathered in the main hall, Mr. Rumbold plays the piano, whilst Mrs. Slocombe and Captain Peacock perform a scene from the opera "Veronique", Miss Brahms recites a scene from "The Merchant of Venice" and Miss Lovelock and Mr. Humphries perform a scene from "Romeo and Juliet" as a ballet. They all end the show with a performance of "Rule Britannia".
( theme music playing )
I MUST SAY, IT'S BEEN
A VERY QUIET WEEKEND.
IT'S BOUND TO BE.
THEY'RE A SILENT ORDER.
LOOK OUT, HERE THEY COME.
WE OUGHT TO LINE UP IN OUR
"SAYING FAREWELL" POSITION.
WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR STAY.
WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT, MR. HUMPHRIES?
THE ABBOTS OFFERED
ME A FREE TRIAL WEEKEND
AS A NOVICE IN THE MONASTERY.
THE POOR THINGS IN BARE FEET.
HOW ARE THEY GOING TO
MANAGE ACROSS THAT GRAVEL?
Monks: OW! OOH!
SHUT THE DOOR, PEACOCK.
SHUT IT YOURSELF.
CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?
IN FACT, CAN WE
ALL GATHER AROUND?
WE HAVE JUST WITNESSED
ANOTHER EXAMPLE
OF THE UNDERMINING
OF MY AUTHORITY.
WOULD YOU CARE
TO BE MORE SPECIFIC?
YES, I WOULD.
IN MY POSITION, AS MANAGER
OF THIS ESTABLISHMENT,
WHICH WAS CLEARLY INFERRED
IN YOUNG MR. GRACE'S WILL,
I AM BEING FREQUENTLY UNDERMINED
BY A MEMBER OF THE STAFF.
IF I MAKE A SUGGESTION,
HE COMES UP WITH ONE
WHICH HE THINKS IS BETTER.
OH, IT'S A "HE."
I HOPE YOU DON'T THINK IT'S ME.
I'VE NEVER BEEN
CONSIDERED UPPITY.
NOT AS FAR AS MY
WORK IS CONCERNED.
NO, NO, NO, MR. HUMPHRIES,
IT'S NOT YOU I'M
COMPLAINING ABOUT.
I CAN HANDLE YOU PERFECTLY WELL.
WHY DON'T YOU
COME OUT IN THE OPEN
AND SAY THAT I AM
UNDERMINING YOUR AUTHORITY...
MAINLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE
PRECIOUS LITTLE
AUTHORITY TO UNDERMINE.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
RIGHT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
YOU MEAN "SWEET FANNY
ADAMS" IN MY LIFE, DARLING.
MAY I REMIND YOU
I ANSWER DIRECTLY
TO MR. THORPE OF THE EXECUTORS?
IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG,
I HAVE TO CARRY THE CAN.
IF ANY OF YOU THINK
I'M NOT UP TO THE JOB
YOU SHOULD SAY SO.
Everyone: YOU'RE
NOT UP TO THE JOB.
OH.
THAT'S CLEARED THE AIR.
HANDS UP, THOSE WHO
THINK I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE.
THAT'S CLEARED THE AIR AGAIN.
IF WE ARE ANYTHING AT
ALL, WE ARE A DEMOCRACY.
AUTHORITY IS CONFERRED
BY COMMON CONSENT.
IN HER CASE, DEAD COMMON.
THAT'S QUITE RIGHT, MR. RUMBOLD.
WE DON'T MIND YOU
BEING IN CHARGE.
IF ONLY YOU WOULDN'T
KEEP RUBBING
EVERYBODY UP THE WRONG WAY.
YOU GET RIGHT UP
MY NOSE SOMETIMES.
I THOUGHT I WAS VERY POPULAR.
HA HA.
I'M JUST TRYING TO DO MY JOB.
I KNOW I MAKE MISTAKES
FROM TIME TO TIME.
LITTLE ONES. EVERYONE DOES.
IT'S JUST THAT SINCE
MRS. RUMBOLD LEFT ME
FOR MR. PRENTISS OF
"TOOLS AND HARDWARE,"
I'VE PROBABLY BEEN
A BIT INTROVERTED.
I WAS OFTEN WORRIED
ABOUT MR. PRENTISS OF TOOLS.
HE OFFERED ME SOME
VERY UNUSUAL ATTACHMENTS
FOR MY BLACK AND DECKER.
PERHAPS WE CAN BE MORE
UNDERSTANDING WITH YOU,
IF YOU IN RETURN CAN
BE LESS POMPOUS WITH US.
ANYBODY SEEN MR. RUMBLES?
MR. MOULTERD, YOU DO NOT
COME IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.
WIPE YOUR FEET,
TAKE YOUR HAT OFF,
AND SAY, "EXCUSE ME"
BEFORE YOU INTERRUPT.
WHAT'S BIT HIM THIS MORNING?
HIS WIFE RAN OFF WITH A
DO-IT-YOURSELF EXPERT.
I'VE BEEN ASKED TO PASS ON
A CHALLENGE FROM THE LOCAL PUB.
THEIR TEAM WANTS TO KNOW
IF YOU'LL PLAY THEM AT DARTS.
WHAT DO I TELL THEM?
A MOMENT AGO, I
WOULD HAVE SAID NO.
NOW, I HESITATE
TO MAKE A DECISION.
YOU PLAY DARTS, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
SHE SCORED A BULL'S
EYE WITH ME IN TIVERTON.
SHE SURPRISED ALL THE LADS
WHEN SHE PULLED
OFF A DOUBLE TOP.
WE DON'T WANT TO GO
DOWN MEMORY LANE AGAIN.
I THINK IT WOULD BE GOOD
FOR PUBLIC RELATIONS
IF WE, SO TO SPEAK,
MINGLED WITH THE LOCALS,
AS I'M SURE MR. RUMBOLD
WAS ABOUT TO SUGGEST.
IT WOULD BE NICE TO ACQUAINT
OURSELVES WITH THEIR CUSTOMS.
I'LL TELL THEM THEN.
AND I SHALL NEED
SOME HELP OUTSIDE.
WE GOT TO GET THEM
SHEEP ONTO THE TRAILER
AND IT'S MORE THAN ME
AND MAVIS CAN MANAGE.
RIGHT. COME ALONG THEN...
THAT IS, IF EVERYONE WOULD
BE PREPARED TO LEND A HAND?
PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO CHANGE
INTO MORE SUITABLE ATTIRE?
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
MRS. SLOCOMBE...
WHAT A GOOD SUGGESTION.
I'M SO GLAD YOU MENTIONED IT.
I PREFERRED HIM WHEN HE
WAS BOSSY AND HORRIBLE.
MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU DO LOOK NICE.
THANK YOU, MAVIS.
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT HAT?
MY PEN PAL SENT IT
TO ME FROM AUSTRALIA.
ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO WEAR IT
TURNED UP ON THE RIGHT OR ON THE LEFT?
IF YOU HAVE IT TURNED
UP ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE,
IT MEANS YOU'RE IN THE ARMY.
IF YOU HAVE IT ON
THE LEFT HAND SIDE,
IT MEANS YOU COME
FROM QUEENSLAND.
I'LL WEAR IT LIKE THIS JUST
TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.
DAD'S JUST FIXING THE TRACTOR.
OOH, AREN'T THEY CUDDLY?
IT BRINGS OUT THE MOTHER IN ME.
THEY LOOK LIKE A LOT
OF THERMAL VESTS.
WHERE ARE THEY GOING?
NEXT DOOR FARMER'S BOUGHT THEM.
YES, WE'RE MAKING A
GOOD PROFIT OUT OF THEM.
THAT IS, IF EVERYONE AGREES.
SHOULDN'T WE HAVE
ONE OF THEM SHEEP DOGS
LIKE THEY HAVE ON TELEVISION?
DAD USED TO HAVE ONE OF THEM.
HE USED TO CONTROL IT
WITH HIS SILENT WHISTLE.
THEN HE GOT HIS NEW FALSE TEETH,
AND HE COULD NEVER
HIT THE RIGHT NOTE AGAIN.
MIND YOU, IT WASN'T
FOR THE LACK OF TRYING.
HE SPENT ALL DAY BLOWING AWAY.
DIDN'T THE DOGS TAKE ANY NOTICE?
THEY JUST IGNORED HIM.
HE ENDED UP SURROUNDED
BY A LOT OF BATS.
DEALING WITH SHEEP MUST
SEEM VERY TAME TO YOU,
AFTER YOUR
HAND-TO-HAND ENCOUNTER
WITH THE GESTAPO ALSATIAN
WHEN YOU WERE PARACHUTED
INTO YUGOSLAVIA DURING THE WAR.
ALL THE YEARS I'VE KNOWN YOU
AND YOU'VE NEVER MENTIONED IT.
IT WAS ONLY RECENTLY THAT M.I.5
GAVE PERMISSION TO
RELEASE SOME OF THE DETAILS.
IT MUST BE TRUE
ABOUT THE ALSATIAN,
HE ACTUALLY SHOWED
ME THE TEETH MARKS.
HE GOT THEM FROM MISS
ADDENBROOK IN ACCOUNTS.
I WOULD APPRECIATE IT
IF YOU WOULD NOT REVEAL
THOSE THINGS WHICH I
HAVE FROM TIME TO TIME
MENTIONED TO YOU IN CONFIDENCE.
DOES THAT INCLUDE
MR. RUMBOLD'S HEMORRHOIDS?
SHH-HH!
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, YOU
TAKE THE HURDLE AWAY,
YOU GET BEHIND THEM WITH ME,
AND WE'LL GET THEM GOING.
I'VE NEVER GOT
SHEEP GOING BEFORE.
IS THERE ANY SPECIAL METHOD?
WAVE THAT HAT AT THEM.
THE REST OF YOU STAND
EITHER SIDE OF THE RAMP
AND MAKE SURE THEY
DON'T GET OUT THE SIDE
BEFORE THEY GET ON THE TRAILER.
ARE WE READY?
Together: READY.
WITH YOUR PERMISSION,
MR. RUMBOLD?
GO.
OH, THAT'S DONE IT.
DAD'LL GIVE ME
THE STRAP FOR THIS.
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL TELL HIM IT
WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
TROUBLE IS, HE'LL
GIVE ME THE STRAP.
ARE WE ALL READY?
OH, GOD.
I DECIDED... WITH
YOUR PERMISSION,
THAT WE WOULD PROCEED TO THE PUB
IN YOUNG MR. GRACE'S DAIMLER.
IT WAS HIS PRIDE AND JOY.
HE WAS MAD ABOUT HIS CARS.
HE HAD AN OLD RACING BENTLEY.
HE USED TO LOVE ME TO
DRIVE WITH THE TOP DOWN.
SOME OF THE VILLAGERS
STILL TALK ABOUT IT.
THAT'S A SIGHT THAT
WOULD LIVE IN THE MEMORY.
RIGHT. FOLLOW ME, THEN.
PLEASE.
Peacock: QUITE A MUSEUM PIECE.
Humphries: DOES IT GO?
OH, YEAH. I TURNS IT
OVER ONCE A WEEK.
THE DEPRESSION'S GOOD.
CAREFUL OF YOUR APPLIANCE, DAD.
( car sputters )
I HEARD SOMETHING GO.
I THINK SHE'LL START NOW.
YOU CAN GET IN.
MISS LOVELOCK,
HELP ME WITH THIS.
I LOVE THE SMELL
OF REAL LEATHER.
( clucking )
NOT TO MENTION, REAL HEN.
IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,
DEAD FERRET.
THEY DO SAY IT USED TO BELONG
TO A MARJORIE RAJAH FROM INDIA.
THERE'S STILL SOME
CURRY ON THE FLOOR.
( loud toot )
YOU'VE FLATTENED ANOTHER HEN.
I'LL DRIVE, THAT IS, IF
EVERYONE'S AGREEABLE?
HOW LONG IS HE GOING
TO GO ON LIKE THAT?
I SAY, MOULTERD, THERE
DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE A TAX DISK.
OH, WE DON'T BOTHER ABOUT
THAT ROUND THESE PARTS.
ALL YOU NEED IS A BEER LABEL.
HOW NICE TO FIND A BIT
OF THE SPIRIT OF
OLD ENGLAND LEFT.
OH, LOOK. THERE'S ONE
OF THOSE SPEAKING TUBES.
MR. GRACE USED TO USE
IT TO GIVE INSTRUCTIONS
WHEN WE HAD A CHAUFFEUR.
OH. WHAT DID HE USED TO SAY?
"KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD"?
MR. RUMBOLD, MR. RUMBOLD,
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
VERY FAINTLY.
( blows loudly )
IS THAT BETTER?
YOU'VE DAMN WELL
BUNGED ME EAR UP!
NOT THAT I MIND, OF COURSE.
LET ME HAVE A GO, DAD.
( engine starts )
MR. GRACE DIDN'T HAVE
TO DO MUCH, DID HE?
YOU MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED...
THAT APART FROM
A MISSING TAX DISK...
WE WERE ALSO
MISSING SOME PETROL.
WHEW!
IF THAT DOESN'T IMPRESS
THE LOCALS, NOTHING WILL.
OH, THERE'S MALCOLM'S BIKE.
HE'LL NOT LIKE IT, ME
BEING HERE WITH YOU.
YOU JUST BRING ME HALF A SHANDY.
I'LL HAVE IT OUTSIDE IN THE CAR.
I DON'T MIND.
NO. YOU MUST GO
INSIDE, MR. HUMPHRIES.
MALCOLM'S JUST A BULLY.
DO YOU MIND, MAURICE?
ARE YOU THE DRIVER
OF THIS VEHICLE, SIR?
SEEING THAT I'M SITTING
BEHIND THE WHEEL,
IT WOULD HARDLY TAKE
A SHERLOCK HOLMES
TO COME TO THAT CONCLUSION.
PERHAPS SHERLOCK
HOLMES WILL ALSO NOTICE
THAT INSTEAD OF A TAX DISK
YOU'RE DRIVING WITH A LABEL
FROM A BOTTLE OF
NEWCASTLE BROWN ALE.
- AH.
- IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT
TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, "AH"?
I TOLD HIM ABOUT THAT, PERCY.
I SAID, "YOU'LL NEVER
GET AWAY WITH IT."
THESE TOWN FOLK
THINK WE'RE ALL STUPID.
I'M AFRAID, MAURICE, THERE'S
ONLY ONE COURSE OPEN TO ME.
TAKE A BRIBE?
SPOT ON.
I'VE NEVER BEEN IN HERE BEFORE.
IT'S REALLY RATHER COZY.
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
ARE WE THE FIRST?
LANDLORD?
WHERE'S MALCOLM?
OH, DON'T YOU BOTHER ABOUT HIM.
HALF THE BLOKES IN THE
VILLAGE IS AFTER MAVIS.
AT LEAST WITH YOU, I
KNOW SHE'S IN SAFE HANDS.
DAD! DON'T GO ON LIKE THAT.
GOOD EVENING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
YOUR USUAL?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU'D
NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE?
OH, WELL NOW I REMEMBER.
I HAD BEEN IN JUST ONCE
WHEN I WAS SHOPPING,
BUT ONLY FOR A MINUTE.
THIS IS THE MOB FROM THE MANOR.
THE OTHER LOT ARE IN THE
PUBLIC BAR, DRINKING SCRUMPY.
SHALL WE HAVE A SMALL
TINCTURE BEFORE WE GO IN?
WHAT A GOOD IDEA,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK!
THIS ROUND'S ON ME.
DOUBLE WHISKEY.
LARGE GIN AND TONIC FOR ME.
- AND ME.
- SAME FOR ME.
I'LL HAVE A PINT OF SCRUMPY.
THE SAME FOR MR. HUMPHRIES.
NO. I'D LIKE A SMALL
PORT AND LEMON, PLEASE.
THAT WON'T PUT
LEAD IN YOUR PENCIL.
I WASN'T PLANNING
TO WRITE TO ANYBODY.
THE USUAL PINT OF
SCRUMPY, MAVIS?
WHY NOT? ONE OF THOSE,
AND I REALLY LETS MYSELF GO.
NOW DON'T YOU GO GETTING
MR. HUMPHRIES INTO TROUBLE.
IF SHE BOTHERS YOU, LET ME KNOW.
I'LL GIVE HER THE STRAP.
SHE HASN'T BOTHERED
ME UP TO NOW.
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME
AFTER A PINT OF SCRUMPY.
CHEERS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
CHAP. TAKE CARE NOW.
THEY'RE HERE FROM THE MANOR.
MALCOLM,
MAVIS IS WITH THAT YOUNG
BUCK FROM UP THE HALL.
I'M WARNING YOU, I'M
HAVING NO TROUBLE HERE.
IF YOU WANT TO SORT HIM OUT,
YOU TAKE HIM 'ROUND THE BACK.
RIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME THE
MILLSTONE MANOR DARTS TEAM.
PINTS ALL AROUND FOR
THE MILLSTONE MANOR MOB.
I'M HENRY HEATHCLIFF,
MALCOLM'S DAD.
WHO'S YOUR CAPTAIN, THEN?
OH, WELL, WE'RE A
DEMOCRATIC TEAM.
SINCE CAPTAIN PEACOCK
IS A CAPTAIN ALREADY,
WE SHOULD MAKE HIM THE CAPTAIN.
WITH YOUR PERMISSION,
MR. RUMBOLD?
OH, YES.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
I'M THE ONE WHO BOUGHT
THEM LAMBS OFF YOU.
NICE TO KNOW
THEY'RE IN GOOD HANDS.
FIRST TEAM TO
EMPTY THEIR GLASSES
WINS THE TOSS.
DO YOU THINK I COULD
HAVE A PORT AND LEMON?
OF COURSE YOU CAN, MY DEAR.
POUR IT IN THE SCRUMPY.
- THANK YOU.
- HERE, MY DEAR.
RIGHT!
ONE, TWO, THREE, GO!
( spits )
IT TASTES LIKE PAINT STRIPPER.
YOU'RE SPILLING
IT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I KNOW. I'VE MELTED
HALF MY SEQUINS.
- AH!
- AH!
LOOKS LIKE WE WON THE TOSS.
FILL 'EM UP. WE CAN'T GO
EMPTY DURING THE CONTEST.
WELL, MALCOLM,
WHAT SAY WE GIVE
'EM FIRST THROW?
SUITS ME.
- HERE'S YOUR DARTS.
- THANK YOU.
LADIES FIRST, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
HALF A TICK, I HAVE A DROP LEFT.
RIGHT. DOUBLE TOP FOR
STARTERS, 500 AND ONE UP.
SOUNDS LIKE SHE
KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING.
Man: I KNOW YOU!
I SEEN YOU PLAY DARTS AFORE.
YOU WAS MAURICE'S
BIRD IN TIVERTON.
ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO.
YOU WAS KNOWN AS
"THE TIVERTON BICYCLE."
IF ANYBODY ELSE HAS FOND
MEMORIES OF TIVERTON,
WOULD THEY KINDLY SPEAK NOW
BEFORE I THROW ME LAST DART?
KEEP YOUR NERVE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
Peacock: DOUBLE TOP, 40.
MALCOLM'S STARING AT YOU
THROUGH THE BOTTOM
OF HIS BEER GLASS.
HE'S NOT STARING AT
ME, HE'S STARING AT YOU.
HE'S TRYING TO FRIGHTEN YOU.
THE SIGHT OF AN EYEBALL
MAGNIFIED THROUGH THAT
IS A BIT UNNERVING.
Man: 98!
YOUR TURN NEXT, MR. HUMPHRIES.
IT'S MY TURN.
NOW STAND BACK, I
CAN GO WILD AT TIMES.
WOULD SOMEONE
EXPLAIN THIS GAME TO ME?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO HIT THE BOARD.
OH! HEH, HEH.
THAT ONE GOING ROUND AND ROUND?
Man's voice: ONE!
IS THAT GOOD?
NO.
Man's voice: TWO!
Man's voice: 60.
SCORE, 62.
THAT MAKES A 102.
YOU'RE WONDERFUL, MR. HUMPHRIES.
YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF HER.
DON'T YOU PUSH HIM!
I'LL PUSH WHO I LIKE.
DON'T YOU PUSH HER!
DON'T YOU PUSH ME!
YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF.
DON'T YOU PUSH MY LAD,
OR YOU AND ME WILL STEP OUTSIDE.
I SHOULDN'T STEP OUTSIDE
WITH CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
HE WAS TRAINED BY THE
S.A.S. IN JAPANESE OBAKABE.
YES, WELL UNFORTUNATELY
I'M NOT ALLOWED TO USE IT
UNLESS THERE'S A WAR.
THERE'LL BE A WAR
HERE IN A MINUTE.
DAD, DO SOMETHING!
( snoring )
I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF YOU.
STAND ASIDE, PEACOCK.
AND I DON'T PARTICULARLY
LIKE THE LOOK OF YOU.
RIGHT. ( spits )
OUTSIDE WITH YOU.
I SHALL BE DELIGHTED.
( spits )
MY DAD'LL KILL HIM.
COME ON THEN, IF YOU FANCY IT.
I DO FANCY IT.
WELL THEN, ARE YOU
GOING TO HAVE A GO?
GO ON THEN.
YOU CAN HAVE A GO FIRST.
I WILL DO.
WELL, COME ON THEN.
YOU COME ON.
I'LL COME ON WHEN I'M READY.
MISS BRAHMS,
I'VE BEEN TALKING TO
THAT FARMER OVER THERE.
AND YOU KNOW THOSE
SWEET LITTLE SHEEP WE SOLD?
MALCOLM'S DAD IS GOING TO
SELL THEM TO THE BUTCHER'S.
OH, HOW AWFUL.
DO YOU THINK, IF
WE ASKED HIM NICELY,
HE'D GIVE US THEM BACK?
I DON'T THINK NOW IS
A GOOD TIME TO ASK.
HE'S JUST TAKEN
MR. RUMBOLD OUTSIDE
AND I THINK HE'S
GOING TO KILL HIM.
IS HE INDEED? WE'LL
SEE ABOUT THAT!
PASS ME THAT
BOTTLE OF LIGHT ALE.
RIGHT. WATCH MY GIN AND TONIC.
I'M JUST... WORKING
MYSELF UP TO IT.
I'M WORKED UP ALREADY.
EXCUSE ME.
MAY I SAY A WORD
ON BEHALF OF MILLSTONE MANOR?
WHAT IS IT, THEN?
- IT'S THIS.
- OW!
YOU NEEDN'T HAVE INTERFERED.
I WAS QUITE CAPABLE OF
DEALING WITH THAT MAN.
WELL, I GOT MY DANDER UP.
SO DID I, AND IT'S
UNUSUAL FOR ME.
YOU WERE WONDERFUL,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
THE WAY YOU MANAGED
TO CONTROL YOURSELF,
SO YOU DIDN'T HIT THAT MALCOLM.
ESPECIALLY AFTER HE CALLED
YOU A WEEDY LITTLE GIT.
YES, YOU NEVER MOVED.
I WAS SUFFERING FROM A
WELL-KNOWN CONDITION,
KNOWN AS TEMPORARY PARALYSIS.
WE DIDN'T DO A LOT
FOR OUR PUBLIC IMAGE.
AT LEAST MRS. SLOCOMBE
LAID OUT THE LOCAL BULLY.
BUT WE GOT OURSELVES
BANNED FROM THE LOCAL PUB.
I'M STILL WORRIED
ABOUT THOSE SHEEP.
IF WE DON'T DO
SOMETHING QUICKLY,
THEY'LL BE IN THE
BUTCHER'S BY TOMORROW.
WHAT DID YOU THINK
THEY WERE GOING TO DO?
I JUST THOUGHT THEY
WERE GOING TO GROW WOOL.
THERE'S NOTHING MUCH WE CAN DO.
I SUGGEST WE TRY
TO GET THEM BACK.
WE CAN HARDLY DO THAT.
WHY NOT?
IF SOMEBODY NICKED
JOHN WAYNE'S CATTLE,
HE'D HAVE BEEN ON HIS HORSE
AND OVER THERE QUICK AS A FLASH.
HE'D HAVE RAISED
A PUSSY... POSSE.
COULDN'T YOU ORGANIZE SOMETHING
LIKE THAT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
YEAH, DO ONE OF THOSE
COMMANDO TYPE RAIDS,
LIKE WHEN YOU
TRIED TO GET ROMMEL.
WELL IT'S QUITE
SIMPLE, OF COURSE,
BUT I DON'T THINK WE
SHOULD BREAK THE LAW.
HE COULDN'T COMPLAIN IF WE TAKE
THE SHEEP AND LEAVE THE MONEY.
I STILL HAVE THE CASH,
I HAVEN'T PAID IT IN YET.
COME ON, LET'S HAVE A GO.
- I'M GAME.
- I'M GAME.
WHAT ABOUT YOU,
MR. HUMPHRIES? ARE YOU GAME?
I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN UP TO NOW.
YOU TELL US WHAT TO DO,
AND WE'LL FOLLOW YOUR LEAD.
RIGHT.
DAMN,
THAT STRAP'S BROKEN.
I'LL GET ANOTHER ONE.
( cow moos )
HE LOOKS EVER SO SLEEPY.
PERHAPS HE ISN'T
USED TO BEING AROUSED
AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING.
WON'T THE HORSE'S HOOVES
MAKE A BIT OF A CLATTER?
I HAD ALREADY THOUGHT OF THAT.
I'VE ASKED MR. HUMPHRIES
TO PREPARE SOME
SACKING FOR ITS FEET.
HOW ARE THESE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
THAT'S EVER SO
GOOD, MR. HUMPHRIES.
YOU'RE A DAB HAND WITH A
NEEDLE AND A BIT OF RIBBON.
GOOD.
PUT THEM ON THE HORSE'S HOOVES.
EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU MIND
LIFTING YOUR FOOT UP, PLEASE?
NO, YOU'VE GOT TO BE FIRM.
I'LL HOLD IT FOR YOU
AND YOU SLIP IT ON.
YOU'VE DONE THIS
BEFORE, HAVEN'T YOU?
RIGHT.
ON BOARD, EVERYONE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
WHAT ARE THE SHEARS FOR?
DON'T WE HAVE TO CUT
THE TELEPHONE WIRES?
AH, GOOD THINKING.
AS SOON AS I FIX
THIS, WE CAN GO.
MISS BRAHMS, WILL YOU HELP ME?
WILL YOU GET UP THERE
AND GIVE ME A HAND?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
JUMP UP BACKWARDS
AND SIT ON IT?
( winces ) OH, IT'S HOPELESS.
MR. RUMBOLD, IF WE
TAKE A FOOT EACH,
WE MAY BE ABLE TO
GET HER UP THERE.
- HERE WE GO.
- HOW DARE YOU?
GET OFF! GET OFF!
HOW "IGNOMONIOUS!"
WOULD THESE HELP?
MR. HUMPHRIES,
THANK YOU. HOW KIND.
HOLD TIGHT,
EVERYBODY. OFF WE GO.
( wheels squeaking )
Humphries: PITY WE
DIDN'T BRING SOME 3-IN-1.
Peacock: THERE'S
ALWAYS SOMETHING.
STOP, MISS LOVELOCK.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
WHY DON'T YOU PUT ON
SOME OF MY COLD CREAM?
OH, THANK YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
ON THE AXLE, MR. HUMPHRIES.
( cart rattling )
- MR. HUMPHRIES?
- YES.
YOU TAKE THE MONEY
AND PUT IT THROUGH
THE LETTER BOX.
WHAT ABOUT THE DOG?
TAKE THE TAKE-AWAY TANDOORI.
- GOOD LUCK.
- THANK YOU.
GATHER ROUND.
MISS LOVELOCK, YOU'RE
IN COMMAND OF THE CART.
YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
YOU KEEP IT HERE, WE
CRAWL TO THE BARN;
MISS BRAHMS AND MAVIS,
YOU KEEP A LOOKOUT;
MRS. SLOCOMBE, YOU
OPEN THE BARN DOOR;
MR. RUMBOLD AND I
CARRY OUT THE SHEEP ONE BY ONE,
AND FETCH THEM TO THE CART.
IS THAT CLEAR?
RIGHT. OFF WE GO.
NOW, SHH-HH.
RIGHT. DOWN WE GO.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE
FOR ME TO GO ON TIPTOE?
ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY
ORDERS, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
NO, IT'S JUST THAT
RATHER A LOT OF COWS
HAVE PASSED THIS WAY.
AH, VERY WELL.
HELLO, NICE DOGGIE.
COME ON. HAVE SOME
TANDOORI CHICKEN.
- COME ON,
TANDOORI CHICKEN.
- ( whimpers )
NO, WE DIDN'T LIKE IT, EITHER.
OH, HECK!
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE?
WOOF, WOOF, WOOF.
( panting )
GET BACK IN YOUR
KENNEL AND BELT UP.
WOOF, WOOF!
WOOF WOOF!
ARE YOU READY, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
GO!
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
PROBABLY ALL ASLEEP.
I SAID, GO!
( sheep bleating )
OH! OH MY GOODNESS!
OH! AHH! OH!
THAT STUPID WOMAN!
HEY! WHO'S THERE?
WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?
( sheep bleating )
WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?
Mr. Humphries: WAIT FOR ME!
WAIT FOR ME!
Miss Brahms: THAT WAS A
RIGHT COCK-UP AND NO MISTAKE.
HARDLY A TRIUMPH OF MILITARY
LEADERSHIP, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I REFUSE TO TAKE THE BLAME.
IT WAS YOUR PLAN.
I DID NOT PLAN FOR MRS. SLOCOMBE
TO FALL ON HER BACKSIDE
AND LOSE ALL THE SHEEP.
NEITHER DID I PLAN
FOR MR. HUMPHRIES
TO GIVE HENRY ALL THE
MONEY FOR NOTHING. ( bleating )
DO SHEEP HAVE HOMING
INSTINCTS LIKE RACING PIGEONS?
I DON'T THINK SO.
LOOK AT THAT.
( bleating )
THEY'VE ALL COME
HOME. HOW SWEET.
WE ONLY SOLD THEM 20,
THERE MUST BE 50 HERE.
DO WE PAY FOR THE
REST, OR TAKE THEM BACK?
DO YOU HAVE A CONTINGENCY
PLAN, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
YES, I HAVE.
A LARGE DRINK, AND A HOT BATH.
THAT'S REAL LEADERSHIP, THAT IS.
( theme music playing )
I MUST SAY, IT'S BEEN
A VERY QUIET WEEKEND.
IT'S BOUND TO BE.
THEY'RE A SILENT ORDER.
LOOK OUT, HERE THEY COME.
WE OUGHT TO LINE UP IN OUR
"SAYING FAREWELL" POSITION.
WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR STAY.
WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT, MR. HUMPHRIES?
THE ABBOTS OFFERED
ME A FREE TRIAL WEEKEND
AS A NOVICE IN THE MONASTERY.
THE POOR THINGS IN BARE FEET.
HOW ARE THEY GOING TO
MANAGE ACROSS THAT GRAVEL?
Monks: OW! OOH!
SHUT THE DOOR, PEACOCK.
SHUT IT YOURSELF.
CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?
IN FACT, CAN WE
ALL GATHER AROUND?
WE HAVE JUST WITNESSED
ANOTHER EXAMPLE
OF THE UNDERMINING
OF MY AUTHORITY.
WOULD YOU CARE
TO BE MORE SPECIFIC?
YES, I WOULD.
IN MY POSITION, AS MANAGER
OF THIS ESTABLISHMENT,
WHICH WAS CLEARLY INFERRED
IN YOUNG MR. GRACE'S WILL,
I AM BEING FREQUENTLY UNDERMINED
BY A MEMBER OF THE STAFF.
IF I MAKE A SUGGESTION,
HE COMES UP WITH ONE
WHICH HE THINKS IS BETTER.
OH, IT'S A "HE."
I HOPE YOU DON'T THINK IT'S ME.
I'VE NEVER BEEN
CONSIDERED UPPITY.
NOT AS FAR AS MY
WORK IS CONCERNED.
NO, NO, NO, MR. HUMPHRIES,
IT'S NOT YOU I'M
COMPLAINING ABOUT.
I CAN HANDLE YOU PERFECTLY WELL.
WHY DON'T YOU
COME OUT IN THE OPEN
AND SAY THAT I AM
UNDERMINING YOUR AUTHORITY...
MAINLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE
PRECIOUS LITTLE
AUTHORITY TO UNDERMINE.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
RIGHT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
YOU MEAN "SWEET FANNY
ADAMS" IN MY LIFE, DARLING.
MAY I REMIND YOU
I ANSWER DIRECTLY
TO MR. THORPE OF THE EXECUTORS?
IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG,
I HAVE TO CARRY THE CAN.
IF ANY OF YOU THINK
I'M NOT UP TO THE JOB
YOU SHOULD SAY SO.
Everyone: YOU'RE
NOT UP TO THE JOB.
OH.
THAT'S CLEARED THE AIR.
HANDS UP, THOSE WHO
THINK I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE.
THAT'S CLEARED THE AIR AGAIN.
IF WE ARE ANYTHING AT
ALL, WE ARE A DEMOCRACY.
AUTHORITY IS CONFERRED
BY COMMON CONSENT.
IN HER CASE, DEAD COMMON.
THAT'S QUITE RIGHT, MR. RUMBOLD.
WE DON'T MIND YOU
BEING IN CHARGE.
IF ONLY YOU WOULDN'T
KEEP RUBBING
EVERYBODY UP THE WRONG WAY.
YOU GET RIGHT UP
MY NOSE SOMETIMES.
I THOUGHT I WAS VERY POPULAR.
HA HA.
I'M JUST TRYING TO DO MY JOB.
I KNOW I MAKE MISTAKES
FROM TIME TO TIME.
LITTLE ONES. EVERYONE DOES.
IT'S JUST THAT SINCE
MRS. RUMBOLD LEFT ME
FOR MR. PRENTISS OF
"TOOLS AND HARDWARE,"
I'VE PROBABLY BEEN
A BIT INTROVERTED.
I WAS OFTEN WORRIED
ABOUT MR. PRENTISS OF TOOLS.
HE OFFERED ME SOME
VERY UNUSUAL ATTACHMENTS
FOR MY BLACK AND DECKER.
PERHAPS WE CAN BE MORE
UNDERSTANDING WITH YOU,
IF YOU IN RETURN CAN
BE LESS POMPOUS WITH US.
ANYBODY SEEN MR. RUMBLES?
MR. MOULTERD, YOU DO NOT
COME IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.
WIPE YOUR FEET,
TAKE YOUR HAT OFF,
AND SAY, "EXCUSE ME"
BEFORE YOU INTERRUPT.
WHAT'S BIT HIM THIS MORNING?
HIS WIFE RAN OFF WITH A
DO-IT-YOURSELF EXPERT.
I'VE BEEN ASKED TO PASS ON
A CHALLENGE FROM THE LOCAL PUB.
THEIR TEAM WANTS TO KNOW
IF YOU'LL PLAY THEM AT DARTS.
WHAT DO I TELL THEM?
A MOMENT AGO, I
WOULD HAVE SAID NO.
NOW, I HESITATE
TO MAKE A DECISION.
YOU PLAY DARTS, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
SHE SCORED A BULL'S
EYE WITH ME IN TIVERTON.
SHE SURPRISED ALL THE LADS
WHEN SHE PULLED
OFF A DOUBLE TOP.
WE DON'T WANT TO GO
DOWN MEMORY LANE AGAIN.
I THINK IT WOULD BE GOOD
FOR PUBLIC RELATIONS
IF WE, SO TO SPEAK,
MINGLED WITH THE LOCALS,
AS I'M SURE MR. RUMBOLD
WAS ABOUT TO SUGGEST.
IT WOULD BE NICE TO ACQUAINT
OURSELVES WITH THEIR CUSTOMS.
I'LL TELL THEM THEN.
AND I SHALL NEED
SOME HELP OUTSIDE.
WE GOT TO GET THEM
SHEEP ONTO THE TRAILER
AND IT'S MORE THAN ME
AND MAVIS CAN MANAGE.
RIGHT. COME ALONG THEN...
THAT IS, IF EVERYONE WOULD
BE PREPARED TO LEND A HAND?
PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO CHANGE
INTO MORE SUITABLE ATTIRE?
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
MRS. SLOCOMBE...
WHAT A GOOD SUGGESTION.
I'M SO GLAD YOU MENTIONED IT.
I PREFERRED HIM WHEN HE
WAS BOSSY AND HORRIBLE.
MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU DO LOOK NICE.
THANK YOU, MAVIS.
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT HAT?
MY PEN PAL SENT IT
TO ME FROM AUSTRALIA.
ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO WEAR IT
TURNED UP ON THE RIGHT OR ON THE LEFT?
IF YOU HAVE IT TURNED
UP ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE,
IT MEANS YOU'RE IN THE ARMY.
IF YOU HAVE IT ON
THE LEFT HAND SIDE,
IT MEANS YOU COME
FROM QUEENSLAND.
I'LL WEAR IT LIKE THIS JUST
TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.
DAD'S JUST FIXING THE TRACTOR.
OOH, AREN'T THEY CUDDLY?
IT BRINGS OUT THE MOTHER IN ME.
THEY LOOK LIKE A LOT
OF THERMAL VESTS.
WHERE ARE THEY GOING?
NEXT DOOR FARMER'S BOUGHT THEM.
YES, WE'RE MAKING A
GOOD PROFIT OUT OF THEM.
THAT IS, IF EVERYONE AGREES.
SHOULDN'T WE HAVE
ONE OF THEM SHEEP DOGS
LIKE THEY HAVE ON TELEVISION?
DAD USED TO HAVE ONE OF THEM.
HE USED TO CONTROL IT
WITH HIS SILENT WHISTLE.
THEN HE GOT HIS NEW FALSE TEETH,
AND HE COULD NEVER
HIT THE RIGHT NOTE AGAIN.
MIND YOU, IT WASN'T
FOR THE LACK OF TRYING.
HE SPENT ALL DAY BLOWING AWAY.
DIDN'T THE DOGS TAKE ANY NOTICE?
THEY JUST IGNORED HIM.
HE ENDED UP SURROUNDED
BY A LOT OF BATS.
DEALING WITH SHEEP MUST
SEEM VERY TAME TO YOU,
AFTER YOUR
HAND-TO-HAND ENCOUNTER
WITH THE GESTAPO ALSATIAN
WHEN YOU WERE PARACHUTED
INTO YUGOSLAVIA DURING THE WAR.
ALL THE YEARS I'VE KNOWN YOU
AND YOU'VE NEVER MENTIONED IT.
IT WAS ONLY RECENTLY THAT M.I.5
GAVE PERMISSION TO
RELEASE SOME OF THE DETAILS.
IT MUST BE TRUE
ABOUT THE ALSATIAN,
HE ACTUALLY SHOWED
ME THE TEETH MARKS.
HE GOT THEM FROM MISS
ADDENBROOK IN ACCOUNTS.
I WOULD APPRECIATE IT
IF YOU WOULD NOT REVEAL
THOSE THINGS WHICH I
HAVE FROM TIME TO TIME
MENTIONED TO YOU IN CONFIDENCE.
DOES THAT INCLUDE
MR. RUMBOLD'S HEMORRHOIDS?
SHH-HH!
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, YOU
TAKE THE HURDLE AWAY,
YOU GET BEHIND THEM WITH ME,
AND WE'LL GET THEM GOING.
I'VE NEVER GOT
SHEEP GOING BEFORE.
IS THERE ANY SPECIAL METHOD?
WAVE THAT HAT AT THEM.
THE REST OF YOU STAND
EITHER SIDE OF THE RAMP
AND MAKE SURE THEY
DON'T GET OUT THE SIDE
BEFORE THEY GET ON THE TRAILER.
ARE WE READY?
Together: READY.
WITH YOUR PERMISSION,
MR. RUMBOLD?
GO.
OH, THAT'S DONE IT.
DAD'LL GIVE ME
THE STRAP FOR THIS.
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL TELL HIM IT
WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
TROUBLE IS, HE'LL
GIVE ME THE STRAP.
ARE WE ALL READY?
OH, GOD.
I DECIDED... WITH
YOUR PERMISSION,
THAT WE WOULD PROCEED TO THE PUB
IN YOUNG MR. GRACE'S DAIMLER.
IT WAS HIS PRIDE AND JOY.
HE WAS MAD ABOUT HIS CARS.
HE HAD AN OLD RACING BENTLEY.
HE USED TO LOVE ME TO
DRIVE WITH THE TOP DOWN.
SOME OF THE VILLAGERS
STILL TALK ABOUT IT.
THAT'S A SIGHT THAT
WOULD LIVE IN THE MEMORY.
RIGHT. FOLLOW ME, THEN.
PLEASE.
Peacock: QUITE A MUSEUM PIECE.
Humphries: DOES IT GO?
OH, YEAH. I TURNS IT
OVER ONCE A WEEK.
THE DEPRESSION'S GOOD.
CAREFUL OF YOUR APPLIANCE, DAD.
( car sputters )
I HEARD SOMETHING GO.
I THINK SHE'LL START NOW.
YOU CAN GET IN.
MISS LOVELOCK,
HELP ME WITH THIS.
I LOVE THE SMELL
OF REAL LEATHER.
( clucking )
NOT TO MENTION, REAL HEN.
IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,
DEAD FERRET.
THEY DO SAY IT USED TO BELONG
TO A MARJORIE RAJAH FROM INDIA.
THERE'S STILL SOME
CURRY ON THE FLOOR.
( loud toot )
YOU'VE FLATTENED ANOTHER HEN.
I'LL DRIVE, THAT IS, IF
EVERYONE'S AGREEABLE?
HOW LONG IS HE GOING
TO GO ON LIKE THAT?
I SAY, MOULTERD, THERE
DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE A TAX DISK.
OH, WE DON'T BOTHER ABOUT
THAT ROUND THESE PARTS.
ALL YOU NEED IS A BEER LABEL.
HOW NICE TO FIND A BIT
OF THE SPIRIT OF
OLD ENGLAND LEFT.
OH, LOOK. THERE'S ONE
OF THOSE SPEAKING TUBES.
MR. GRACE USED TO USE
IT TO GIVE INSTRUCTIONS
WHEN WE HAD A CHAUFFEUR.
OH. WHAT DID HE USED TO SAY?
"KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD"?
MR. RUMBOLD, MR. RUMBOLD,
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
VERY FAINTLY.
( blows loudly )
IS THAT BETTER?
YOU'VE DAMN WELL
BUNGED ME EAR UP!
NOT THAT I MIND, OF COURSE.
LET ME HAVE A GO, DAD.
( engine starts )
MR. GRACE DIDN'T HAVE
TO DO MUCH, DID HE?
YOU MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED...
THAT APART FROM
A MISSING TAX DISK...
WE WERE ALSO
MISSING SOME PETROL.
WHEW!
IF THAT DOESN'T IMPRESS
THE LOCALS, NOTHING WILL.
OH, THERE'S MALCOLM'S BIKE.
HE'LL NOT LIKE IT, ME
BEING HERE WITH YOU.
YOU JUST BRING ME HALF A SHANDY.
I'LL HAVE IT OUTSIDE IN THE CAR.
I DON'T MIND.
NO. YOU MUST GO
INSIDE, MR. HUMPHRIES.
MALCOLM'S JUST A BULLY.
DO YOU MIND, MAURICE?
ARE YOU THE DRIVER
OF THIS VEHICLE, SIR?
SEEING THAT I'M SITTING
BEHIND THE WHEEL,
IT WOULD HARDLY TAKE
A SHERLOCK HOLMES
TO COME TO THAT CONCLUSION.
PERHAPS SHERLOCK
HOLMES WILL ALSO NOTICE
THAT INSTEAD OF A TAX DISK
YOU'RE DRIVING WITH A LABEL
FROM A BOTTLE OF
NEWCASTLE BROWN ALE.
- AH.
- IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT
TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, "AH"?
I TOLD HIM ABOUT THAT, PERCY.
I SAID, "YOU'LL NEVER
GET AWAY WITH IT."
THESE TOWN FOLK
THINK WE'RE ALL STUPID.
I'M AFRAID, MAURICE, THERE'S
ONLY ONE COURSE OPEN TO ME.
TAKE A BRIBE?
SPOT ON.
I'VE NEVER BEEN IN HERE BEFORE.
IT'S REALLY RATHER COZY.
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
ARE WE THE FIRST?
LANDLORD?
WHERE'S MALCOLM?
OH, DON'T YOU BOTHER ABOUT HIM.
HALF THE BLOKES IN THE
VILLAGE IS AFTER MAVIS.
AT LEAST WITH YOU, I
KNOW SHE'S IN SAFE HANDS.
DAD! DON'T GO ON LIKE THAT.
GOOD EVENING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
YOUR USUAL?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU'D
NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE?
OH, WELL NOW I REMEMBER.
I HAD BEEN IN JUST ONCE
WHEN I WAS SHOPPING,
BUT ONLY FOR A MINUTE.
THIS IS THE MOB FROM THE MANOR.
THE OTHER LOT ARE IN THE
PUBLIC BAR, DRINKING SCRUMPY.
SHALL WE HAVE A SMALL
TINCTURE BEFORE WE GO IN?
WHAT A GOOD IDEA,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK!
THIS ROUND'S ON ME.
DOUBLE WHISKEY.
LARGE GIN AND TONIC FOR ME.
- AND ME.
- SAME FOR ME.
I'LL HAVE A PINT OF SCRUMPY.
THE SAME FOR MR. HUMPHRIES.
NO. I'D LIKE A SMALL
PORT AND LEMON, PLEASE.
THAT WON'T PUT
LEAD IN YOUR PENCIL.
I WASN'T PLANNING
TO WRITE TO ANYBODY.
THE USUAL PINT OF
SCRUMPY, MAVIS?
WHY NOT? ONE OF THOSE,
AND I REALLY LETS MYSELF GO.
NOW DON'T YOU GO GETTING
MR. HUMPHRIES INTO TROUBLE.
IF SHE BOTHERS YOU, LET ME KNOW.
I'LL GIVE HER THE STRAP.
SHE HASN'T BOTHERED
ME UP TO NOW.
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME
AFTER A PINT OF SCRUMPY.
CHEERS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
CHAP. TAKE CARE NOW.
THEY'RE HERE FROM THE MANOR.
MALCOLM,
MAVIS IS WITH THAT YOUNG
BUCK FROM UP THE HALL.
I'M WARNING YOU, I'M
HAVING NO TROUBLE HERE.
IF YOU WANT TO SORT HIM OUT,
YOU TAKE HIM 'ROUND THE BACK.
RIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME THE
MILLSTONE MANOR DARTS TEAM.
PINTS ALL AROUND FOR
THE MILLSTONE MANOR MOB.
I'M HENRY HEATHCLIFF,
MALCOLM'S DAD.
WHO'S YOUR CAPTAIN, THEN?
OH, WELL, WE'RE A
DEMOCRATIC TEAM.
SINCE CAPTAIN PEACOCK
IS A CAPTAIN ALREADY,
WE SHOULD MAKE HIM THE CAPTAIN.
WITH YOUR PERMISSION,
MR. RUMBOLD?
OH, YES.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
I'M THE ONE WHO BOUGHT
THEM LAMBS OFF YOU.
NICE TO KNOW
THEY'RE IN GOOD HANDS.
FIRST TEAM TO
EMPTY THEIR GLASSES
WINS THE TOSS.
DO YOU THINK I COULD
HAVE A PORT AND LEMON?
OF COURSE YOU CAN, MY DEAR.
POUR IT IN THE SCRUMPY.
- THANK YOU.
- HERE, MY DEAR.
RIGHT!
ONE, TWO, THREE, GO!
( spits )
IT TASTES LIKE PAINT STRIPPER.
YOU'RE SPILLING
IT, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I KNOW. I'VE MELTED
HALF MY SEQUINS.
- AH!
- AH!
LOOKS LIKE WE WON THE TOSS.
FILL 'EM UP. WE CAN'T GO
EMPTY DURING THE CONTEST.
WELL, MALCOLM,
WHAT SAY WE GIVE
'EM FIRST THROW?
SUITS ME.
- HERE'S YOUR DARTS.
- THANK YOU.
LADIES FIRST, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
HALF A TICK, I HAVE A DROP LEFT.
RIGHT. DOUBLE TOP FOR
STARTERS, 500 AND ONE UP.
SOUNDS LIKE SHE
KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING.
Man: I KNOW YOU!
I SEEN YOU PLAY DARTS AFORE.
YOU WAS MAURICE'S
BIRD IN TIVERTON.
ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO.
YOU WAS KNOWN AS
"THE TIVERTON BICYCLE."
IF ANYBODY ELSE HAS FOND
MEMORIES OF TIVERTON,
WOULD THEY KINDLY SPEAK NOW
BEFORE I THROW ME LAST DART?
KEEP YOUR NERVE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
Peacock: DOUBLE TOP, 40.
MALCOLM'S STARING AT YOU
THROUGH THE BOTTOM
OF HIS BEER GLASS.
HE'S NOT STARING AT
ME, HE'S STARING AT YOU.
HE'S TRYING TO FRIGHTEN YOU.
THE SIGHT OF AN EYEBALL
MAGNIFIED THROUGH THAT
IS A BIT UNNERVING.
Man: 98!
YOUR TURN NEXT, MR. HUMPHRIES.
IT'S MY TURN.
NOW STAND BACK, I
CAN GO WILD AT TIMES.
WOULD SOMEONE
EXPLAIN THIS GAME TO ME?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO HIT THE BOARD.
OH! HEH, HEH.
THAT ONE GOING ROUND AND ROUND?
Man's voice: ONE!
IS THAT GOOD?
NO.
Man's voice: TWO!
Man's voice: 60.
SCORE, 62.
THAT MAKES A 102.
YOU'RE WONDERFUL, MR. HUMPHRIES.
YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF HER.
DON'T YOU PUSH HIM!
I'LL PUSH WHO I LIKE.
DON'T YOU PUSH HER!
DON'T YOU PUSH ME!
YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF.
DON'T YOU PUSH MY LAD,
OR YOU AND ME WILL STEP OUTSIDE.
I SHOULDN'T STEP OUTSIDE
WITH CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
HE WAS TRAINED BY THE
S.A.S. IN JAPANESE OBAKABE.
YES, WELL UNFORTUNATELY
I'M NOT ALLOWED TO USE IT
UNLESS THERE'S A WAR.
THERE'LL BE A WAR
HERE IN A MINUTE.
DAD, DO SOMETHING!
( snoring )
I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF YOU.
STAND ASIDE, PEACOCK.
AND I DON'T PARTICULARLY
LIKE THE LOOK OF YOU.
RIGHT. ( spits )
OUTSIDE WITH YOU.
I SHALL BE DELIGHTED.
( spits )
MY DAD'LL KILL HIM.
COME ON THEN, IF YOU FANCY IT.
I DO FANCY IT.
WELL THEN, ARE YOU
GOING TO HAVE A GO?
GO ON THEN.
YOU CAN HAVE A GO FIRST.
I WILL DO.
WELL, COME ON THEN.
YOU COME ON.
I'LL COME ON WHEN I'M READY.
MISS BRAHMS,
I'VE BEEN TALKING TO
THAT FARMER OVER THERE.
AND YOU KNOW THOSE
SWEET LITTLE SHEEP WE SOLD?
MALCOLM'S DAD IS GOING TO
SELL THEM TO THE BUTCHER'S.
OH, HOW AWFUL.
DO YOU THINK, IF
WE ASKED HIM NICELY,
HE'D GIVE US THEM BACK?
I DON'T THINK NOW IS
A GOOD TIME TO ASK.
HE'S JUST TAKEN
MR. RUMBOLD OUTSIDE
AND I THINK HE'S
GOING TO KILL HIM.
IS HE INDEED? WE'LL
SEE ABOUT THAT!
PASS ME THAT
BOTTLE OF LIGHT ALE.
RIGHT. WATCH MY GIN AND TONIC.
I'M JUST... WORKING
MYSELF UP TO IT.
I'M WORKED UP ALREADY.
EXCUSE ME.
MAY I SAY A WORD
ON BEHALF OF MILLSTONE MANOR?
WHAT IS IT, THEN?
- IT'S THIS.
- OW!
YOU NEEDN'T HAVE INTERFERED.
I WAS QUITE CAPABLE OF
DEALING WITH THAT MAN.
WELL, I GOT MY DANDER UP.
SO DID I, AND IT'S
UNUSUAL FOR ME.
YOU WERE WONDERFUL,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
THE WAY YOU MANAGED
TO CONTROL YOURSELF,
SO YOU DIDN'T HIT THAT MALCOLM.
ESPECIALLY AFTER HE CALLED
YOU A WEEDY LITTLE GIT.
YES, YOU NEVER MOVED.
I WAS SUFFERING FROM A
WELL-KNOWN CONDITION,
KNOWN AS TEMPORARY PARALYSIS.
WE DIDN'T DO A LOT
FOR OUR PUBLIC IMAGE.
AT LEAST MRS. SLOCOMBE
LAID OUT THE LOCAL BULLY.
BUT WE GOT OURSELVES
BANNED FROM THE LOCAL PUB.
I'M STILL WORRIED
ABOUT THOSE SHEEP.
IF WE DON'T DO
SOMETHING QUICKLY,
THEY'LL BE IN THE
BUTCHER'S BY TOMORROW.
WHAT DID YOU THINK
THEY WERE GOING TO DO?
I JUST THOUGHT THEY
WERE GOING TO GROW WOOL.
THERE'S NOTHING MUCH WE CAN DO.
I SUGGEST WE TRY
TO GET THEM BACK.
WE CAN HARDLY DO THAT.
WHY NOT?
IF SOMEBODY NICKED
JOHN WAYNE'S CATTLE,
HE'D HAVE BEEN ON HIS HORSE
AND OVER THERE QUICK AS A FLASH.
HE'D HAVE RAISED
A PUSSY... POSSE.
COULDN'T YOU ORGANIZE SOMETHING
LIKE THAT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
YEAH, DO ONE OF THOSE
COMMANDO TYPE RAIDS,
LIKE WHEN YOU
TRIED TO GET ROMMEL.
WELL IT'S QUITE
SIMPLE, OF COURSE,
BUT I DON'T THINK WE
SHOULD BREAK THE LAW.
HE COULDN'T COMPLAIN IF WE TAKE
THE SHEEP AND LEAVE THE MONEY.
I STILL HAVE THE CASH,
I HAVEN'T PAID IT IN YET.
COME ON, LET'S HAVE A GO.
- I'M GAME.
- I'M GAME.
WHAT ABOUT YOU,
MR. HUMPHRIES? ARE YOU GAME?
I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN UP TO NOW.
YOU TELL US WHAT TO DO,
AND WE'LL FOLLOW YOUR LEAD.
RIGHT.
DAMN,
THAT STRAP'S BROKEN.
I'LL GET ANOTHER ONE.
( cow moos )
HE LOOKS EVER SO SLEEPY.
PERHAPS HE ISN'T
USED TO BEING AROUSED
AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING.
WON'T THE HORSE'S HOOVES
MAKE A BIT OF A CLATTER?
I HAD ALREADY THOUGHT OF THAT.
I'VE ASKED MR. HUMPHRIES
TO PREPARE SOME
SACKING FOR ITS FEET.
HOW ARE THESE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
THAT'S EVER SO
GOOD, MR. HUMPHRIES.
YOU'RE A DAB HAND WITH A
NEEDLE AND A BIT OF RIBBON.
GOOD.
PUT THEM ON THE HORSE'S HOOVES.
EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU MIND
LIFTING YOUR FOOT UP, PLEASE?
NO, YOU'VE GOT TO BE FIRM.
I'LL HOLD IT FOR YOU
AND YOU SLIP IT ON.
YOU'VE DONE THIS
BEFORE, HAVEN'T YOU?
RIGHT.
ON BOARD, EVERYONE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
WHAT ARE THE SHEARS FOR?
DON'T WE HAVE TO CUT
THE TELEPHONE WIRES?
AH, GOOD THINKING.
AS SOON AS I FIX
THIS, WE CAN GO.
MISS BRAHMS, WILL YOU HELP ME?
WILL YOU GET UP THERE
AND GIVE ME A HAND?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
JUMP UP BACKWARDS
AND SIT ON IT?
( winces ) OH, IT'S HOPELESS.
MR. RUMBOLD, IF WE
TAKE A FOOT EACH,
WE MAY BE ABLE TO
GET HER UP THERE.
- HERE WE GO.
- HOW DARE YOU?
GET OFF! GET OFF!
HOW "IGNOMONIOUS!"
WOULD THESE HELP?
MR. HUMPHRIES,
THANK YOU. HOW KIND.
HOLD TIGHT,
EVERYBODY. OFF WE GO.
( wheels squeaking )
Humphries: PITY WE
DIDN'T BRING SOME 3-IN-1.
Peacock: THERE'S
ALWAYS SOMETHING.
STOP, MISS LOVELOCK.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
WHY DON'T YOU PUT ON
SOME OF MY COLD CREAM?
OH, THANK YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
ON THE AXLE, MR. HUMPHRIES.
( cart rattling )
- MR. HUMPHRIES?
- YES.
YOU TAKE THE MONEY
AND PUT IT THROUGH
THE LETTER BOX.
WHAT ABOUT THE DOG?
TAKE THE TAKE-AWAY TANDOORI.
- GOOD LUCK.
- THANK YOU.
GATHER ROUND.
MISS LOVELOCK, YOU'RE
IN COMMAND OF THE CART.
YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
YOU KEEP IT HERE, WE
CRAWL TO THE BARN;
MISS BRAHMS AND MAVIS,
YOU KEEP A LOOKOUT;
MRS. SLOCOMBE, YOU
OPEN THE BARN DOOR;
MR. RUMBOLD AND I
CARRY OUT THE SHEEP ONE BY ONE,
AND FETCH THEM TO THE CART.
IS THAT CLEAR?
RIGHT. OFF WE GO.
NOW, SHH-HH.
RIGHT. DOWN WE GO.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE
FOR ME TO GO ON TIPTOE?
ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY
ORDERS, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
NO, IT'S JUST THAT
RATHER A LOT OF COWS
HAVE PASSED THIS WAY.
AH, VERY WELL.
HELLO, NICE DOGGIE.
COME ON. HAVE SOME
TANDOORI CHICKEN.
- COME ON,
TANDOORI CHICKEN.
- ( whimpers )
NO, WE DIDN'T LIKE IT, EITHER.
OH, HECK!
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE?
WOOF, WOOF, WOOF.
( panting )
GET BACK IN YOUR
KENNEL AND BELT UP.
WOOF, WOOF!
WOOF WOOF!
ARE YOU READY, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
GO!
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
PROBABLY ALL ASLEEP.
I SAID, GO!
( sheep bleating )
OH! OH MY GOODNESS!
OH! AHH! OH!
THAT STUPID WOMAN!
HEY! WHO'S THERE?
WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?
( sheep bleating )
WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?
Mr. Humphries: WAIT FOR ME!
WAIT FOR ME!
Miss Brahms: THAT WAS A
RIGHT COCK-UP AND NO MISTAKE.
HARDLY A TRIUMPH OF MILITARY
LEADERSHIP, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I REFUSE TO TAKE THE BLAME.
IT WAS YOUR PLAN.
I DID NOT PLAN FOR MRS. SLOCOMBE
TO FALL ON HER BACKSIDE
AND LOSE ALL THE SHEEP.
NEITHER DID I PLAN
FOR MR. HUMPHRIES
TO GIVE HENRY ALL THE
MONEY FOR NOTHING. ( bleating )
DO SHEEP HAVE HOMING
INSTINCTS LIKE RACING PIGEONS?
I DON'T THINK SO.
LOOK AT THAT.
( bleating )
THEY'VE ALL COME
HOME. HOW SWEET.
WE ONLY SOLD THEM 20,
THERE MUST BE 50 HERE.
DO WE PAY FOR THE
REST, OR TAKE THEM BACK?
DO YOU HAVE A CONTINGENCY
PLAN, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
YES, I HAVE.
A LARGE DRINK, AND A HOT BATH.
THAT'S REAL LEADERSHIP, THAT IS.
( theme music playing )