Are You Being Served? Again! (1992–1993): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
When Grace Brothers has been closed and Mr. Humphries, Captain Peacock, Miss Brahms and Mrs. Slocombe all have attended Young Mr. Grace's funeral, they discover that they are all beneficiaries of his will. Together with a Miss Lovelock, they have inherited a Tudor manor house called Millstone Manor, presently being run as a country hotel, as part of their pension fund. They also discover that the manager is their old boss Mr. Rumbold. When they arrive there, they discover that Mr. Rumbold has accidentally fired all of the staff, except Mr. Moulterd and his daughter Mavis. It also turns out there are quite a few domestic animals at the manor. However, when they discover that their pension fund will only give them a total of £243 a month (about £60 each), they decide to run the hotel themselves, to make some extra money.
( opening theme playing )
MISS PRESCOTT,
I'LL JUST GO THROUGH THE
FINAL PAPERS IN THE OFFICE.
AS SOON AS THE STAFF RETURNS
FROM THE FUNERAL, LET ME KNOW.
WILL I SHOW THEM INTO
YOUNG MR. GRACE'S OFFICE?
NO, THIS WILL DO VERY WELL.
HOW MANY WILL THERE BE?
AT THE TIME OF THE CLOSING
DOWN SALE, THERE WERE ONLY
THE LADIES' AND GENTLEMEN'S
READY-TO-WEAR DEPARTMENTS LEFT.
AH, FAITHFUL SERVANTS.
A SAD DAY, MISS PRESCOTT.
A SAD DAY, INDEED, SIR.
THEY'RE HERE, MISS PRESCOTT.
THEY'RE COMING UP
IN THE PRIVATE LIFT.
( metal scraping, creaking )
Mrs. Slocombe: THE
DRATTED THING... IT'S STUCK.
YOU THINK THEY COULD HAVE
MENDED IT PROPERLY BY NOW.
( pounding on doors )
Miss Brahms: STICK THE UMBRELLA
IN THE CRACK, MR. HUMPHRIES.
( Humphries grunts )
MR. THORPE,
MR. HUMPHRIES HAS ARRIVED.
( grunting )
OH.
AFTER YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
THANK YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I CAN'T GET ME LEG UP.
Miss Brahms: PULL YOUR SKIRT UP.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, WOULD
YOU BE GOOD ENOUGH
TO GET OUT AND LEND
ME A HELPING HAND?
CERTAINLY.
THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.
COME ALONG, NOW.
WE'LL GIVE YOU A
BUNK UP FROM BEHIND.
- WON'T WE, MR. HUMPHRIES?
- I'LL DO MY BEST.
( grunts ) UPS-A-DAISY.
OH, THANK YOU, STEVEN.
THAT LIFT'S PUT 10 YEARS ON ME.
I THINK IT'S PUT 10
YEARS ON ALL OF US.
AFTER YOU, MISS BRAHMS.
THERE'S YOUNG MR. GRACE.
YES, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
HE'S NO LONGER WITH US.
WHAT A WAY TO GO...
SCUBA DIVING WITH HIS
NURSE IN THE CARIBBEANO.
ACCORDING TO HER, HIS EQUIPMENT,
ALTHOUGH OLD FASHIONED,
WAS IN PERFECT WORKING ORDER.
HE'D STILL BE WITH US HAD
HER BIKINI TOP NOT POPPED OFF.
OH, BUT IT WAS A LOVELY FUNERAL.
YES, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN VERY MOVED
BY THE MELODY
OF "I DID IT MY WAY."
PERSONALLY, I THINK IT WAS
THE CLOSING OF THE STORE
THAT FINISHED HIM OFF.
YEAH. ANYWAY, THEY MUST
HAVE LEFT US SOMETHING,
'CAUSE OTHERWISE WE
WOULDN'T ALL BE HERE.
I UNDERSTAND THAT
IT'S THE PENSION FUND
THEY WANT TO DISCUSS.
AFTER ALL, WE HAVE
BEEN PAYING INTO IT
FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYBODY.
THIS IS MR. THORPE.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
WE HAVEN'T MET, BUT I REPRESENT
YOUNG MR. GRACE'S SOLICITORS,
THORPE, THORPE & THORPE.
I'M THE JUNIOR PARTNER.
I SHOULD IMAGINE OLD MR. THORPE
DOESN'T GET ABOUT
VERY MUCH THESE DAYS.
IF YOU'D ALL CARE TO SIT DOWN.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ARE WE ALL HERE?
WHERE'S MR. RUMBOLD?
YES, HE WASN'T AT THE FUNERAL.
HE WAS ENGAGED IN OTHER BUSINESS
CONCERNING THE
GRACE BROTHERS' ESTATE.
HE SENDS HIS REGRETS.
AND THERE'S STILL
MISS LOVELOCK TO COME.
OH, YES, SO THERE IS.
MISS LOVELOCK?
YES, SHE WAS THE
PERSONAL COMPANION
TO YOUNG MR. GRACE AT
THE TIME OF HIS DEMISE.
- WAS SHE THE ONE SCUBA...?
- YES.
- AND WAS IT HER TOP...?
- THAT IS CORRECT.
MY PAPER HAD A MISPRINT.
IT SAID HE WAS
"SCRUBBER DIVING."
MISS LOVELOCK.
SORRY, I'M LATE. I
HAD A GHASTLY NIGHT.
STILL GOT A HANGOVER.
WHAT PAPER WAS
THAT, MISS BRAHMS?
"THE SUN."
TRUTH AT LAST.
DO SIT DOWN, MISS LOVELOCK.
I'LL JUST PERCH OVER HERE.
STOCKINGS AND SUSPENDERS.
10 DENIER, SEAMLESS.
NOW IF I MAY HAVE
YOUR ATTENTION?
WE ARE NOT CONCERNED TODAY
WITH THE BULK OF YOUNG
MR. GRACE'S FORTUNE,
WHICH, AS YOU MAY KNOW,
WAS LEFT TO HIS
FAVORITE CHARITY,
THE HOME FOR FALLEN WOMEN.
I DON'T SUPPOSE HE
MENTIONED FALLEN MEN?
I THINK MR. THORPE
WOULD LIKE TO GET ON
WITH THE BUSINESS,
IF YOU DON'T MIND?
I EXPECT YOU'RE ALL CONCERNED
AS TO WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE PENSION FUND.
YOUR USE OF THE PAST TENSE
HAS ALREADY SENT A CHILL
THROUGH MY WHOLE BODY.
THERE'S NO NEED TO WORRY.
IT'S ALL BEEN WISELY INVESTED
IN A MULTITUDE OF
ENTERPRISES, RANGING FROM...
THE RANGOON GAS MANTLE COMPANY
TO FALKLAND
WHALEBONE ENTERPRISES.
SOUNDS A BIT OLD
FASHIONED TO ME.
IN ADDITION TO THAT,
QUITE A BIT WAS INVESTED
IN BRICKS AND MORTAR.
AS A PILE, OR IN A BUILDING?
YOUNG MR. GRACE, ON
BEHALF OF THE FUND,
ACQUIRED A TUDOR MANOR HOUSE.
GOODY. WE CAN FLOG
THAT AND COP THE LOLLY.
UNFORTUNATELY,
IT CANNOT BE SOLD.
IT IS IN TRUST TO
THE PENSION FUND.
ON THE OTHER
HAND, IT IS IN ITSELF
A MONEY MAKING PROPOSITION.
AND THE BENEFICIARIES MAY USE IT
IN ANY MANNER IN WHICH THEY SEE FIT.
WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT FISHERIES?
BENEFICIARIES.
YOU ARE THE BENEFICIARIES,
AS YOU ALL STAYED AT
YOUR POSTS TILL THE END.
- DOES THAT INCLUDE
MISS LOVELOCK?
- OF COURSE.
I BET SHE STAYED AT THE
BEDPOST TILL THE END.
BUT SURELY THAT WASN'T
THE ONLY PROPERTY
THAT YOUNG MR. GRACE OWNED.
I MEAN, HE HAD LOTS OF HOUSES.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
SEVERAL TIMES HE
PROMISED TO GIVE ME ONE.
TYPICAL OF THE MAN.
THIS WAS THE ONLY ONE
INCLUDED IN THE PENSION FUND.
IT IS AT THE MOMENT BEING
RUN AS A COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL.
OH, WHEN CAN WE SEE IT?
SOON AS YOU WISH.
IT'S IN THE VILLAGE
OF GREAT TENDER.
WHERE'S THAT?
IT'S NOT VERY CLOSE TO LONDON.
PERHAPS YOU'D CARE
TO STAY THE NIGHT?
IT SOUNDS A GOOD IDEA TO ME.
MISS PRESCOTT,
GET ON TO MILLSTONE MANOR
AND MAKE THE ARRANGEMENTS.
I THINK YOU ALL
KNOW THE MANAGER,
CUTHBERT RUMBOLD.
OH, GOD.
Humphries: THERE IT
IS, MILLSTONE MANOR.
OH, LOOK, IT'S DETACHED!
YOU DON'T GET
SEMI-DETACHED MANOR HOUSES.
OH, IT LOOKS QUITE NICE.
MR. HUMPHRIES, HAVE
YOU GOT CHANGE FOR £5?
I EXPECT SO.
IN THAT CASE, YOU
CAN PAY FOR THE CAB.
( doorbell rings )
MR. HUMPHRIES,
WOULD YOU HOLD MY
PUSSY WHILE I ALIGHT?
CERTAINLY. HE'S BEEN VERY QUIET.
THE VET GAVE ME A
TRANQUILIZER FOR HER.
SHE GAVE IT A MOGGYDON.
OH...!
AH, HOW NICE TO SEE YOU ALL!
WELCOME TO MILLSTONE MANOR.
IN WHICH, WE UNDERSTAND,
OUR PENSION FUND IS
FIRMLY ENTRENCHED.
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
LOOK, "BUILT IN 1576."
OH, YES. I HOPE
THE BEDS ARE AIRED.
OH, WELL...
AT LEAST IT'S A BIT
WARMER IN HERE.
DID YOU NOTICE THAT
FUNNY SMELL OUT THERE?
THAT IS PROBABLY COMING
FROM THE HOME FARM,
WHICH FORMS PART
OF THE PROPERTY.
OH, BUT I LOVE THE SMELL
OF THE COUNTRYSIDE.
IT BRINGS BACK SO MANY
HAPPY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES.
DURING THE WAR, YOU KNOW,
I WAS EVACUATED TO A FARM
IN TIVERTON IN DEVON.
I THOUGHT YOU
DROVE AN AMBULANCE?
THE WAR WENT ON
QUITE A LONG TIME.
I WAS EVACUATED WITH THE
BARLEY ROAD MIXED INFANTS.
THE SCHOOL BULLY SWAPPED
ALL OUR LABELS ROUND.
UNTIL WELL AFTER
D-DAY I WAS KNOWN
AS "GLADYS WAINWRIGHT."
I STILL GET A FUNNY TURN
EVERY TIME I SEE A GYM SLIP.
SO DOES CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
AND HE WAS A DESERT RAT.
DO YOU THINK WE
COULD HAVE A PORTER
TO TAKE OUR CASES
UP TO OUR ROOMS?
- WE ARE A BIT SHORT
OF STAFF AT THE MOMENT.
- HOW SHORT?
I GATHERED THEM ALL
ROUND THE WAY I USUALLY DO,
TOLD THEM I WAS IN CHARGE,
EXPLAINED HOW I WANTED
THE PLACE TO BE RUN,
OUTLINED ONE OR TWO
CHANGES I HAD IN MIND
AND CONVEYED TO THEM,
IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS,
THAT IF THEY DIDN'T TOE
THE LINE THEY COULD LEAVE.
- AND WHAT HAPPENED?
- THEY LEFT.
THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY TRUE.
WE STILL HAVE AN ASSISTANT COOK.
IT'S GOOD TO KNOW, MR. RUMBOLD,
YOU'VE LOST NONE OF YOUR
QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP.
HOW'S THE PLACE GOING
TO MAKE ANY MONEY
IF YOU'VE GOTTEN
RID OF EVERYBODY?
I'VE ADVERTISED LOCALLY.
I'M SURE WE'LL FILL
THE VACANT POSTS.
EXCUSE ME, MR. RUMBOLD,
MIGHT I HAVE A WORD?
PAY ATTENTION, EVERYBODY.
THIS IS THE GENTLEMAN
WHO RUNS THE HOME FARM.
A REALLY GOOD, LOYAL
COUNTRY CHAP, MR. MOULTERD.
M-O-U-L-T-E-R-D, MOULTERD.
HOW DO GOING ON?
IT'S GOOD TO SEE SOMEBODY
HASN'T LEFT THE STAFF.
OH, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
MR. MOULTERD HAS
BEEN HERE FOR YEARS!
YEAH, THERE'VE BEEN
MOULTERDS IN THIS VILLAGE
FOR 200 YEARS!
QUITE A TOURIST ATTRACTION.
WHAT I WANT TO KNOW MR. RUMBOLD,
IS ABOUT THE HENS.
SO WE'VE GOT HENS, HAVE WE?
OH, YES, YES. THEY
WERE ALL COOPED UP
IN A SMALL HENHOUSE.
I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE
A MUCH BETTER CHANCE
OF SELLING THE EGGS
IF WE COULD ADVERTISE
THEM AS FREE RANGE.
WELL, I DONE
EXACTLY AS YOU SAID,
I OPENED THE DOOR
TO THE HENHOUSE,
LET THEM ALL OUT AND
THEY ALL BUGGERED OFF!
PLEASE, NOT IN
FRONT OF THE LADIES.
WHO'S GONNA HELP
ME ROUND THEM UP?
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.
I'M SURE WE'LL FIND
SOME WILLING HANDS.
SHALL WE ALL HELP MR. MOULTERD
TO RECOVER THE HENS?
AFTER ALL, THEY'RE OURS.
- WHY NOT?
- COME WITH ME.
IT'S ALL MUDDY.
GOOD CLEAN MUCK
NEVER HURT NOBODY.
I DON'T LIKE THE WAY
THAT GOAT'S LOOKING AT ME.
I DON'T SUPPOSE HE LIKES THE
WAY YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM.
WHERE DO THE HENS LIVE?
THERE'S THE HENHOUSE OVER THERE.
OH, LOOK... THAT'S
DETACHED AN' ALL.
HOW DO WE PERSUADE THE HENS
TO RETURN TO THEIR
LIVING QUARTERS?
WE'LL FORM A SEMICIRCLE
AND SHOO THEM.
GO ON, SHOO, SHOO.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK KNOWS
ALL THE TECHNICAL TERMS.
COME ON.
All: SHOO! SHOO!
I'M TALKING TO YOU.
QUICK, THIS WAY.
SHOO! SHOO!
YOU'RE FRIGHTENING THEM.
MY MOTHER WILL
NEVER BELIEVE THIS...
ME, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
COUNTRY, CHASING BIRDS.
THERE'S ANOTHER
BIG HEN OVER THERE.
Peacock: THAT IS A
COCKEREL, MISS BRAHMS.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
IT'S BIGGER AND MORE
BRIGHTLY COLORED
AND ITS COMB STANDS UP.
OH, FANCY.
IT'S ALL GOING ON
IN NATURE, ISN'T IT?
NOW, LISTEN...
IF WE WERE TO
CATCH THE COCKEREL,
AND PUT IT IN THE HENHOUSE,
WOULD THAT NOT ATTRACT THE HENS?
NO. HE'D BEEN ROUND
THEM ALREADY ONCE TODAY.
SORRY I ASKED.
LOOK, THERE'S ANOTHER
COCKEREL OVER THERE!
OH, THAT'S GEORGE.
HE'S NOT INTERESTED IN THEM.
THEY AIN'T INTERESTED IN HIM.
Humphries: HE SHOULDN'T
STAND LIKE THAT.
OH, DRAT,
I'VE LOST MY SHOE IN THE MUD.
I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.
( grunts )
PUT YOUR ARM ROUND
ME AND HOLD YOUR LEG UP.
I CAN'T GET DOWN NO FURTHER.
COULD YOU GET UP ANY HIGHER?
I MOST CERTAINLY CANNOT.
I KNOW.
HOLD IT UP BACKWARDS.
OH, MR. HUMPHRIES,
WOULD YOU HOLD MY HAND
AND STEADY ME?
CERTAINLY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
THAT'S BETTER.
THIS IS HOW WE SHOE THE MARE.
I GRABS THE HOOF,
SHOVES IT BETWEEN MY
LEGS, AND SHE CAN'T MOVE.
VERY EFFECTIVE, I'M SURE.
THEN I GETS MY HAMMER OUT,
GIVES HER A FEW GOOD BANGS
AND I CAN GALLOP HER ANYWHERE.
BRACE YOURSELF, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
HE'S A REAL SON OF
THE SOIL, ISN'T HE?
HE'S GIVING ME HAY FEVER.
( cows mooing )
WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT?
THAT'S OLD BETSY.
MUST BE SOMETHING
THE MATTER WITH HER.
WE'D BETTER GO UP AND SEE.
AS YOU SEE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
WE'RE COMPLETELY
SELF-SUFFICIENT HERE,
- WE HAVE OUR OWN COWS.
- REALLY?
HOW BIG IS THE HERD?
- TWO.
- AH!
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
MY OL' DARLING?
( moos )
SHE WANTS MILKING.
OH, HE SPEAKS THE LANGUAGE.
WHAT ARE THESE HAIR CURLERS FOR?
YOU SHOVE THEM ON THE TEATS
AND YOU PRESS THIS
SWITCH AND IT MILKS THEM.
MIND YOU, OLD BETSY
HERE DON'T LIKE IT.
SHE LIKES IT DONE BY HAND.
YOU DO GET A BETTER RESULT
WITH THE PERSONAL TOUCH.
SHE NEEDS MILKING NOW.
SORRY, BETSY, I CAN'T
GET DOWN THAT FAR.
YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT TILL MAVIS
GETS BACK FROM THE VILLAGE.
AND WHO IS MAVIS?
MR. MOULTERD'S DAUGHTER.
SHE HELPS ON THE FARM
AND ABOUT THE HOUSE.
WHERE IS THAT DRATTED GIRL?
- ( mooing )
- Mrs. Slocombe: I CAN'T
STAND THIS ANY LONGER.
MISS BRAHMS, HOLD MY HAT
AND PASS ME THAT STOOL.
HERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU.
MR. HUMPHRIES, BUCKET.
( squirting )
MRS. SLOCOMBE, I HAD NO IDEA
YOU COULD DO THAT SORT OF A THING.
IT'S A KNACK, YOU KNOW.
I WAS EVACUATED DURING THE WAR.
WAIT A MINUTE, I KNOW YOU!
WE WAS ON A FARM
TOGETHER IN TIVERTON.
THAT'S RIGHT, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
YOU WAS EVACUATED WHEN
YOU WERE A LITTLE CHILD.
"LITTLE CHILD"?
SHE WAS A GREAT, BIG
WALLOPING LAND GIRL.
I WAS A LAND GIRL LATER ON.
YOU'RE RACHEL YIDDLE!
I WAS A YOUNG RAT CATCHER.
HO, HO, HO... MANY'S THE TIME
WE ROLLED AROUND IN THE HAY LOFT
WHEN I WAS LAYING THE BAIT.
YOU'RE QUITE
MISTAKEN, MAURICE...
WHATEVER YOUR NAME WAS.
( cow passes gas;
plopping sound )
IT'S GONE VERY
ORGANIC AT THIS END.
MISS BRAHMS, HOW
CHARMING YOU LOOK.
OH, THANK YOU. I ALWAYS
THINK IF YOU DRESS NICE
YOU CAN HOBNOB WITH ANYBODY.
WHERE ARE THE
OTHER HOTEL GUESTS?
FORTUNATELY, WE DON'T
EXPECT ANY UNTIL THE WEEKEND,
WHICH GIVES US A CHANCE TO
SORT OUT THE STAFF PROBLEM.
HAS ANYONE REPLIED
TO YOUR ADVERT?
I HAVEN'T CHECKED.
- MISS LOVELOCK?
- YES?
YOU'VE MET MISS
LOVELOCK, OF COURSE?
WHEN DID SHE GET HERE?
SHE CAME DOWN LATE LAST NIGHT
ASTRIDE HER POWERFUL KAWASAKI.
WHAT EXACTLY IS THAT, MAY I ASK?
IT'S A VERY LARGE,
TERRIFICALLY FAST MOTORBIKE.
INDEED?
YOUNG MR. GRACE USED TO LOVE
PUTTING ON HIS CRASH HELMET
AND CLIMBING UP BEHIND ME.
WHAT A GALLANT OLD
GENTLEMAN HE WAS.
I'M SURE MISS LOVELOCK
HAS MANY A TALE TO TELL.
I THINK WE'RE ONLY
SCRATCHING THE SURFACE.
IS SHE GONNA BE HERE LONG?
YOUNG MR. GRACE LEFT
ME THE HORSES IN HIS WILL.
THEY'RE ALL STABLED
HERE. I LIVE ABOVE.
MR. GRACE CONVERTED THE
GROOM'S QUARTERS FOR ME.
BY THE WAY, MISS LOVELOCK,
HAS ANYONE APPLIED FOR
A POSITION ON THE STAFF?
I HAVE NO IDEA. WHY DON'T YOU
CHECK THE ANSWERING MACHINE?
SHE'S A BIT BOLSHIE, ISN'T SHE?
WELL, WE HAVEN'T QUITE
CLARIFIED HER POSITION.
NO? I BET MR. GRACE
CLARIFIED IT ALL RIGHT.
( squeaking )
( metallic banging )
( metal scraping )
Mrs. Slocombe: DAMN, IT'S STUCK.
SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE!
PRESS THE EMERGENCY BUTTON!
I HAVE DONE, YOU DAFT...
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
( grunting )
HOW AM I GOING TO
GET DOWN FROM HERE?
TAKE MY HAND, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
OH, PUT IT AWAY.
OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
MR. RUMBOLD, AVERT
YOUR EYES, PLEASE.
MISS BRAHMS, WOULD YOU
GIVE ME SOME ASSISTANCE?
PULL YOUR SKIRT UP
AND SLIDE OUT ON YOUR BUM.
OH.
OH, HOW IGNOMINIOUS.
ALL CLEAR.
I JUST LOVE THOSE BIG OLD BATHS.
I HAD SO MUCH WATER
WHEN I PULLED THE PLUG OUT
I GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE VORTEX.
I HAD TO FIGHT FOR MY LIFE.
I'M DYING FOR A DRINK.
THERE IS A BAR.
I'M AFRAID THE BARMAN'S LEFT
WITH THE REST OF THE STAFF,
BUT HELP YOURSELVES.
ALLOW ME.
WHAT WILL IT BE, MISS BRAHMS?
OH...
I'LL HAVE A GIN
AND TONIC, PLEASE.
AND I'LL HAVE THE SAME,
BUT NOT TOO MUCH TONIC.
I'LL HAVE A GIN AND "IT."
WHAT IS "IT?"
DO YOU KNOW, I NEVER FOUND OUT.
- COULD YOU MAKE
A PIÑA COLADA?
- I COULD TRY.
ARE YOU UP TO A
"HARVEY WALLBANGER"?
I THINK THAT'S MORE IN
MR. HUMPHRIES' LINE OF COUNTRY.
YOU'VE ALL MET MISS LOVELOCK?
- OH, YES.
- YES.
SHE'S GOT THE GROOM'S QUARTERS.
I'VE NEVER SEEN A
GROOM'S QUARTERS.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALL HERE BECAUSE
THERE ARE THINGS I WANT
TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.
ARE YOU FREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
I SHALL BE, IN A
COUPLE OF SHAKES.
PERHAPS YOU'D ALL
LIKE TO SIT DOWN?
WE'RE NOT IN THE
STORE NOW, ARE WE?
THIS IS ALL QUITE INFORMAL.
ARE YOU FREE, MR. HUMPHRIES?
I'M FREE.
THESE CUSHIONS
HAVEN'T BEEN PUFFED UP
FOR MANY A YEAR.
I HAVE A FAX FROM MR. THORPE
WITH THE FINAL
FIGURE ON THE INCOME
FROM THE PENSION
FUND INVESTMENTS.
OH, I SAY, ISN'T THAT EXCITING?
THANK YOU, STEVEN.
YOU KNOW...
WITH ALL THOSE COMPANIES,
IT SHOULD AMOUNT TO
QUITE A FEW THOUSAND.
YES, THE FINAL FIGURE IS 2-4-3.
OH... £243,000.
THAT'S ABOUT 40 THOU EACH!
NO, £243 FOR EACH OF US.
- PER WEEK?
- PER MONTH.
DOES THAT INCLUDE MISS LOVELOCK?
OF COURSE.
WHAT'S SHE DONE TO DESERVE IT?
I DON'T THINK WE
SHOULD GO INTO THAT.
THE WHOLE THING IS A DISGRACE.
IT'S ABOUT £60 A WEEK EACH.
AND AFTER ALL THEM YEARS
OF HAVING IT SUB... UH...
"SUBSTRACTED" FROM OUR WAGES.
MISS BRAHMS, WE
HAVE BEEN DIDDLED,
AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THAT.
I WAS GOING TO BUY MY
MOTHER A NEW WASHING MACHINE.
NOW SHE'LL HAVE TO SETTLE
FOR A PAIR OF RUBBER
GLOVES AND A PACKET OF PERSIL.
I SUGGEST WE TALK
IT OVER, OVER DINNER.
THAT IS IF WE'RE GOING
TO GET ANY DINNER.
YES, YES, I'VE
ARRANGED FOR THAT.
ARE YOU FREE TO BANG
THE GONG, MR. HUMPHRIES?
CERTAINLY, MR. RUMBOLD.
WOULD YOU LIKE
ME TO START SLOWLY
AND BUILD UP TO A CRESCENDO,
OR WOULD YOU PREFER
A J. ARTHUR RANK TYPE?
PROVIDED THEY CAN
HEAR YOU IN THE KITCHEN,
I DON'T MIND WHAT YOU DO.
( taps foot )
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
GIVE IT TO ME... I'M STARVING!
WHERE IS THE KITCHEN?
THE OTHER SIDE OF
THE DINING ROOM.
RIGHT.
( banging )
THAT SHOULD DO IT.
FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
IT'S ALL RIGHT, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
MRS. SLOCOMBE WAS ONLY
BANGING THE GONG FOR DINNER.
YOU MUSTN'T TOUCH THAT!
THAT'S THE FIRE ALARM!
THEN WHY EXACTLY HAVE
WE GOT A LARGE RED BELL
OVER THE RECEPTION
DESK MARKED "FIRE"?
WELL, THAT DON'T WORK.
THAT'S ELECTRIC.
IT WAS A SHORT CIRCUIT IN THAT
WHAT CAUSED THE LAST FIRE.
MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, DAD.
I'VE GOT THEIR DINNER.
WHEN YOU'VE FED THEM,
DON'T FORGET THE GOAT.
THIS IS MAVIS MOULTERD,
OUR WILLING PAIR OF HANDS.
OH, THEY'RE A BIT
MUCKY AT THE MOMENT.
I'VE JUST BEEN UNBUNGING
THE DRAIN IN THE COWSHED.
WHAT ARE ALL THESE LITTLE BOXES?
I'VE JUST HEATED THEM
UP IN THE "MICROBE-WAVE."
"TAKE-AWAY TANDOORI
CHICKEN AND CHIPS."
DO YOU MEAN I'VE GOT
DRESSED UP LIKE THIS
FOR TAKE-AWAY TANDOORI?
ARE YOU NOT PARTAKING,
MISS LOVELOCK?
CERTAINLY NOT, DARLING.
I HAVE SOME CAVIAR AND
SMOKED SALMON IN MY FRIDGE.
THAT'LL BE £1.35 EACH.
TAKE IT OUT OF THE TILL.
WE HAVEN'T PUT
ANYTHING IN THE TILL.
I'LL HAVE TO HAVE THE MONEY.
I BORROWED IT FROM DAD,
AND IF I GO HOME WITHOUT IT
HE'LL GIVE ME THE STRAP.
I SEE... WILL HE GIVE YOU THE
STRAP ON THE HAND OR ON THE...
THAT'LL DO, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I THINK IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES
PERHAPS WE'D BETTER DIVVY UP.
HAVE YOU GOT CHANGE FOR
A £5 NOTE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
I THINK SO.
GOOD. YOU CAN PAY FOR MINE.
NOW LISTEN, EVERYBODY
I'VE BEEN THINKING.
THIS IS OUR PLACE
AND £60 A WEEK WILL
GO NOWHERE IN LONDON,
BUT IT WOULDN'T BE TOO BAD
IF WE LIVED HERE... RENT-FREE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE COULD HAVE FREE
MILK AND FREE EGGS.
WE COULD GROW
OUR OWN VEGETABLES.
AND ON TOP OF THAT, ANY PROFIT
WE CAN MAKE OUT OF THIS HOTEL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
I VOTE WE SLEEP ON IT.
A FAT CHANCE OF THAT
AFTER EATING THIS.
SORRY TO BARGE
IN WHILE YOU'VE GOT
YOUR SNOUTS IN THE TROUGH.
THERE'S BEEN A BIT OF
COMMOTION AT THE FRONT.
- ( cat screeching )
- IT SOUNDS LIKE TIDDLES.
SHE MUST HAVE CLIMBED
OUT OF THE BEDROOM WINDOW
AND DOWN THE IVY.
DO YOU THINK SOMEBODY
SHOULD GO TO HER ASSISTANCE?
THIS SORT OF THING
IS QUITE NORMAL.
ANIMALS ALWAYS TAKE A DAY OR
TWO TO GET USED TO EACH OTHER.
WILL SOMEBODY COME
AND HELP ME, PLEASE?
THAT NAUGHTY GOAT HAS
GOT HOLD OF MY PUSSY
AND WON'T LET GO!
THERE YOU ARE, TIDDLES.
THERE'S YOUR LITTLE
HOT WATER BOTTLE.
MUMMY'S GOT A BIG ONE.
NOW YOU TRY TO DROP OFF,
AND FORGET ALL ABOUT
THAT NAUGHTY OLD G-O-A-T.
I'D JUST LOOK UNDER
THE BED TO SEE
IF THERE'S A MAN THERE.
OH WELL, BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.
( knocking on door )
WHO'S THERE?
IT'S ME, CUTHBERT.
CAN I COME IN?
MR. RUMBOLD, I'M
IN MY NIGHT ATTIRE.
SO AM I.
WHAT I HAVE IN MIND
WON'T TAKE A MOMENT.
THAT DOES NARROW
DOWN THE POSSIBILITIES.
YOU MAY COME IN.
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE?
THIS IS THE HOUSEKEEPER'S ROOM.
YES, IT'S QUITE COZY,
BUT WHY CAN'T WE HAVE
THE PROPER HOTEL ROOMS?
WHEN OUR GUESTS COME
WE'LL NEED THE SHEETS,
AND WE DON'T HAVE ANY MORE
UNTIL WE PAY THE LAUNDRY BILL.
I'VE GOT A WET MATTRESS.
HAS IT JUST HAPPENED?
I THINK THERE'S A
LEAKY PIPE IN THE ROOF,
BECAUSE IT'S COME
DOWN THE ELECTRIC LIGHT
AND ALL OVER MY BED.
PERHAPS MRS. SLOCOMBE
WOULDN'T MIND SHARING
UNTIL WE CAN GET IT FIXED?
OH, WOULD YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
WELL, I'M USUALLY
UNACCOMPANIED IN THE BEDROOM,
HOWEVER SEEING AS HOW WE'VE
KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A LONG TIME
AND IT IS AN EMERGENCY,
I WILL CONCEDE.
THANKS. I'VE GOT MY OWN BOTTLE.
I'LL SEE YOU IN THE
MORNING. GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, MR. RUMBOLD.
TO BE TRUTHFUL,
I'M QUITE GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
I THINK WE'RE SAFER TOGETHER
WITH HIM PROWLING AROUND.
YES, HE DOES HAVE A RATHER
UNFULFILLED LOOK
ABOUT HIM, DOESN'T HE?
WELL, HE'S NOT GOING
TO GET TOPPED UP BY ME.
- ( creaking )
- Women: OH!
I'M SORRY TO STARTLE YOU.
I WAS JUST INVESTIGATING
WHERE THIS DOOR LED.
WELL, NOW YOU KNOW.
I'M NEXT DOOR IN THE
HEADWAITER'S ROOM.
THERE'S NO LOCK,
SO WOULD YOU BE GOOD ENOUGH
TO KNOCK WHEN YOU COME IN?
AS I USUALLY DO MY JANE FONDA
EXERCISE ROUTINE BEFORE RETIRING.
WE DIDN'T HAVE IT IN
MIND TO DISTURB YOU.
YEAH, YOU BETTER
BUNG UP THE KEYHOLE
IN CASE WE GET TEMPTED.
GOOD NIGHT.
( aerobic music playing;
Peacock grunting )
HELLO, OPERATOR.
I'M HAVING A BIT OF
DIFFICULTY WITH MY MOTHER.
NO, I DON'T WANT
THE CHILD HELPLINE.
NO.
NO, IT'S THE PHONE, YOU SEE.
I DIALED IT AND
IT ISN'T WORKING.
NO, NOT MY MOTHER ISN'T WORKING,
IT'S THE TELEPHONE.
OH, WOULD YOU,
YES... THE NUMBER IS
722-1708.
THANK YOU.
AND YOU'LL CALL ME BACK?
YOU'RE VERY KIND.
MY, IT'S NIPPY OUT THERE.
IT'S NOT BAD IN
HERE THOUGH, IS IT?
DEPENDS HOW YOU LOOK AT IT.
OH, THAT'S BETTER.
I'VE GOT TO KEEP MY
SOCKS ON, THOUGH.
I'M VERY GLAD TO HEAR IT.
ARE YOU GOING TO
BE THE NEW CHEF?
I DON'T THINK SO.
OH, NEVER MIND THEN. SHOVE OVER.
OH, NICE PAJAMAS.
THANK YOU.
THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF EXCITEMENT
ABOUT HERE TODAY, HASN'T THERE?
YES, THERE'S A LOT MORE TO COME,
BY THE LOOK OF IT.
EXCUSE ME, DO YOU THINK I
COULD ASK YOU A QUESTION?
DOES YOUR FATHER
KNOW YOU'RE HERE?
NO, HE DON'T CARE WHERE I AM,
LONG AS I'M OUT OF THE WAY.
IF HE KNEW YOU WERE HERE,
HE WOULDN'T GIVE YOU
THE STRAP, WOULD HE?
NOT AS A RULE.
HE WOULDN'T GIVE ME THE STRAP?
LOOK, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
TALK ALL NIGHT, ARE YOU?
I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO MOVE.
TURN THE LIGHT OUT,
IT'S ON YOUR SIDE.
( phone rings )
HELLO?
OH, HELLO, MOTHER, YES, IT'S ME.
NO, NO, I'M FINE.
IT'S WORKED OUT QUITE WELL.
NOT QUITE HOW YOU'D EXPECT.
NO, NO, I'M ALL RIGHT, I'M
TUCKED IN THE CHEF'S BED.
NO, HE'S GONE.
NO, MOTHER, FOR
GOODNESS SAKE, CALM DOWN,
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
IN FACT, YOU MAY
NEVER HAVE ANYTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT EVER AGAIN.
( theme music plays )
MISS PRESCOTT,
I'LL JUST GO THROUGH THE
FINAL PAPERS IN THE OFFICE.
AS SOON AS THE STAFF RETURNS
FROM THE FUNERAL, LET ME KNOW.
WILL I SHOW THEM INTO
YOUNG MR. GRACE'S OFFICE?
NO, THIS WILL DO VERY WELL.
HOW MANY WILL THERE BE?
AT THE TIME OF THE CLOSING
DOWN SALE, THERE WERE ONLY
THE LADIES' AND GENTLEMEN'S
READY-TO-WEAR DEPARTMENTS LEFT.
AH, FAITHFUL SERVANTS.
A SAD DAY, MISS PRESCOTT.
A SAD DAY, INDEED, SIR.
THEY'RE HERE, MISS PRESCOTT.
THEY'RE COMING UP
IN THE PRIVATE LIFT.
( metal scraping, creaking )
Mrs. Slocombe: THE
DRATTED THING... IT'S STUCK.
YOU THINK THEY COULD HAVE
MENDED IT PROPERLY BY NOW.
( pounding on doors )
Miss Brahms: STICK THE UMBRELLA
IN THE CRACK, MR. HUMPHRIES.
( Humphries grunts )
MR. THORPE,
MR. HUMPHRIES HAS ARRIVED.
( grunting )
OH.
AFTER YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
THANK YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I CAN'T GET ME LEG UP.
Miss Brahms: PULL YOUR SKIRT UP.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, WOULD
YOU BE GOOD ENOUGH
TO GET OUT AND LEND
ME A HELPING HAND?
CERTAINLY.
THANK YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.
COME ALONG, NOW.
WE'LL GIVE YOU A
BUNK UP FROM BEHIND.
- WON'T WE, MR. HUMPHRIES?
- I'LL DO MY BEST.
( grunts ) UPS-A-DAISY.
OH, THANK YOU, STEVEN.
THAT LIFT'S PUT 10 YEARS ON ME.
I THINK IT'S PUT 10
YEARS ON ALL OF US.
AFTER YOU, MISS BRAHMS.
THERE'S YOUNG MR. GRACE.
YES, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
HE'S NO LONGER WITH US.
WHAT A WAY TO GO...
SCUBA DIVING WITH HIS
NURSE IN THE CARIBBEANO.
ACCORDING TO HER, HIS EQUIPMENT,
ALTHOUGH OLD FASHIONED,
WAS IN PERFECT WORKING ORDER.
HE'D STILL BE WITH US HAD
HER BIKINI TOP NOT POPPED OFF.
OH, BUT IT WAS A LOVELY FUNERAL.
YES, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN VERY MOVED
BY THE MELODY
OF "I DID IT MY WAY."
PERSONALLY, I THINK IT WAS
THE CLOSING OF THE STORE
THAT FINISHED HIM OFF.
YEAH. ANYWAY, THEY MUST
HAVE LEFT US SOMETHING,
'CAUSE OTHERWISE WE
WOULDN'T ALL BE HERE.
I UNDERSTAND THAT
IT'S THE PENSION FUND
THEY WANT TO DISCUSS.
AFTER ALL, WE HAVE
BEEN PAYING INTO IT
FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYBODY.
THIS IS MR. THORPE.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
WE HAVEN'T MET, BUT I REPRESENT
YOUNG MR. GRACE'S SOLICITORS,
THORPE, THORPE & THORPE.
I'M THE JUNIOR PARTNER.
I SHOULD IMAGINE OLD MR. THORPE
DOESN'T GET ABOUT
VERY MUCH THESE DAYS.
IF YOU'D ALL CARE TO SIT DOWN.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ARE WE ALL HERE?
WHERE'S MR. RUMBOLD?
YES, HE WASN'T AT THE FUNERAL.
HE WAS ENGAGED IN OTHER BUSINESS
CONCERNING THE
GRACE BROTHERS' ESTATE.
HE SENDS HIS REGRETS.
AND THERE'S STILL
MISS LOVELOCK TO COME.
OH, YES, SO THERE IS.
MISS LOVELOCK?
YES, SHE WAS THE
PERSONAL COMPANION
TO YOUNG MR. GRACE AT
THE TIME OF HIS DEMISE.
- WAS SHE THE ONE SCUBA...?
- YES.
- AND WAS IT HER TOP...?
- THAT IS CORRECT.
MY PAPER HAD A MISPRINT.
IT SAID HE WAS
"SCRUBBER DIVING."
MISS LOVELOCK.
SORRY, I'M LATE. I
HAD A GHASTLY NIGHT.
STILL GOT A HANGOVER.
WHAT PAPER WAS
THAT, MISS BRAHMS?
"THE SUN."
TRUTH AT LAST.
DO SIT DOWN, MISS LOVELOCK.
I'LL JUST PERCH OVER HERE.
STOCKINGS AND SUSPENDERS.
10 DENIER, SEAMLESS.
NOW IF I MAY HAVE
YOUR ATTENTION?
WE ARE NOT CONCERNED TODAY
WITH THE BULK OF YOUNG
MR. GRACE'S FORTUNE,
WHICH, AS YOU MAY KNOW,
WAS LEFT TO HIS
FAVORITE CHARITY,
THE HOME FOR FALLEN WOMEN.
I DON'T SUPPOSE HE
MENTIONED FALLEN MEN?
I THINK MR. THORPE
WOULD LIKE TO GET ON
WITH THE BUSINESS,
IF YOU DON'T MIND?
I EXPECT YOU'RE ALL CONCERNED
AS TO WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE PENSION FUND.
YOUR USE OF THE PAST TENSE
HAS ALREADY SENT A CHILL
THROUGH MY WHOLE BODY.
THERE'S NO NEED TO WORRY.
IT'S ALL BEEN WISELY INVESTED
IN A MULTITUDE OF
ENTERPRISES, RANGING FROM...
THE RANGOON GAS MANTLE COMPANY
TO FALKLAND
WHALEBONE ENTERPRISES.
SOUNDS A BIT OLD
FASHIONED TO ME.
IN ADDITION TO THAT,
QUITE A BIT WAS INVESTED
IN BRICKS AND MORTAR.
AS A PILE, OR IN A BUILDING?
YOUNG MR. GRACE, ON
BEHALF OF THE FUND,
ACQUIRED A TUDOR MANOR HOUSE.
GOODY. WE CAN FLOG
THAT AND COP THE LOLLY.
UNFORTUNATELY,
IT CANNOT BE SOLD.
IT IS IN TRUST TO
THE PENSION FUND.
ON THE OTHER
HAND, IT IS IN ITSELF
A MONEY MAKING PROPOSITION.
AND THE BENEFICIARIES MAY USE IT
IN ANY MANNER IN WHICH THEY SEE FIT.
WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT FISHERIES?
BENEFICIARIES.
YOU ARE THE BENEFICIARIES,
AS YOU ALL STAYED AT
YOUR POSTS TILL THE END.
- DOES THAT INCLUDE
MISS LOVELOCK?
- OF COURSE.
I BET SHE STAYED AT THE
BEDPOST TILL THE END.
BUT SURELY THAT WASN'T
THE ONLY PROPERTY
THAT YOUNG MR. GRACE OWNED.
I MEAN, HE HAD LOTS OF HOUSES.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
SEVERAL TIMES HE
PROMISED TO GIVE ME ONE.
TYPICAL OF THE MAN.
THIS WAS THE ONLY ONE
INCLUDED IN THE PENSION FUND.
IT IS AT THE MOMENT BEING
RUN AS A COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL.
OH, WHEN CAN WE SEE IT?
SOON AS YOU WISH.
IT'S IN THE VILLAGE
OF GREAT TENDER.
WHERE'S THAT?
IT'S NOT VERY CLOSE TO LONDON.
PERHAPS YOU'D CARE
TO STAY THE NIGHT?
IT SOUNDS A GOOD IDEA TO ME.
MISS PRESCOTT,
GET ON TO MILLSTONE MANOR
AND MAKE THE ARRANGEMENTS.
I THINK YOU ALL
KNOW THE MANAGER,
CUTHBERT RUMBOLD.
OH, GOD.
Humphries: THERE IT
IS, MILLSTONE MANOR.
OH, LOOK, IT'S DETACHED!
YOU DON'T GET
SEMI-DETACHED MANOR HOUSES.
OH, IT LOOKS QUITE NICE.
MR. HUMPHRIES, HAVE
YOU GOT CHANGE FOR £5?
I EXPECT SO.
IN THAT CASE, YOU
CAN PAY FOR THE CAB.
( doorbell rings )
MR. HUMPHRIES,
WOULD YOU HOLD MY
PUSSY WHILE I ALIGHT?
CERTAINLY. HE'S BEEN VERY QUIET.
THE VET GAVE ME A
TRANQUILIZER FOR HER.
SHE GAVE IT A MOGGYDON.
OH...!
AH, HOW NICE TO SEE YOU ALL!
WELCOME TO MILLSTONE MANOR.
IN WHICH, WE UNDERSTAND,
OUR PENSION FUND IS
FIRMLY ENTRENCHED.
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
LOOK, "BUILT IN 1576."
OH, YES. I HOPE
THE BEDS ARE AIRED.
OH, WELL...
AT LEAST IT'S A BIT
WARMER IN HERE.
DID YOU NOTICE THAT
FUNNY SMELL OUT THERE?
THAT IS PROBABLY COMING
FROM THE HOME FARM,
WHICH FORMS PART
OF THE PROPERTY.
OH, BUT I LOVE THE SMELL
OF THE COUNTRYSIDE.
IT BRINGS BACK SO MANY
HAPPY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES.
DURING THE WAR, YOU KNOW,
I WAS EVACUATED TO A FARM
IN TIVERTON IN DEVON.
I THOUGHT YOU
DROVE AN AMBULANCE?
THE WAR WENT ON
QUITE A LONG TIME.
I WAS EVACUATED WITH THE
BARLEY ROAD MIXED INFANTS.
THE SCHOOL BULLY SWAPPED
ALL OUR LABELS ROUND.
UNTIL WELL AFTER
D-DAY I WAS KNOWN
AS "GLADYS WAINWRIGHT."
I STILL GET A FUNNY TURN
EVERY TIME I SEE A GYM SLIP.
SO DOES CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
AND HE WAS A DESERT RAT.
DO YOU THINK WE
COULD HAVE A PORTER
TO TAKE OUR CASES
UP TO OUR ROOMS?
- WE ARE A BIT SHORT
OF STAFF AT THE MOMENT.
- HOW SHORT?
I GATHERED THEM ALL
ROUND THE WAY I USUALLY DO,
TOLD THEM I WAS IN CHARGE,
EXPLAINED HOW I WANTED
THE PLACE TO BE RUN,
OUTLINED ONE OR TWO
CHANGES I HAD IN MIND
AND CONVEYED TO THEM,
IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS,
THAT IF THEY DIDN'T TOE
THE LINE THEY COULD LEAVE.
- AND WHAT HAPPENED?
- THEY LEFT.
THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY TRUE.
WE STILL HAVE AN ASSISTANT COOK.
IT'S GOOD TO KNOW, MR. RUMBOLD,
YOU'VE LOST NONE OF YOUR
QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP.
HOW'S THE PLACE GOING
TO MAKE ANY MONEY
IF YOU'VE GOTTEN
RID OF EVERYBODY?
I'VE ADVERTISED LOCALLY.
I'M SURE WE'LL FILL
THE VACANT POSTS.
EXCUSE ME, MR. RUMBOLD,
MIGHT I HAVE A WORD?
PAY ATTENTION, EVERYBODY.
THIS IS THE GENTLEMAN
WHO RUNS THE HOME FARM.
A REALLY GOOD, LOYAL
COUNTRY CHAP, MR. MOULTERD.
M-O-U-L-T-E-R-D, MOULTERD.
HOW DO GOING ON?
IT'S GOOD TO SEE SOMEBODY
HASN'T LEFT THE STAFF.
OH, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
MR. MOULTERD HAS
BEEN HERE FOR YEARS!
YEAH, THERE'VE BEEN
MOULTERDS IN THIS VILLAGE
FOR 200 YEARS!
QUITE A TOURIST ATTRACTION.
WHAT I WANT TO KNOW MR. RUMBOLD,
IS ABOUT THE HENS.
SO WE'VE GOT HENS, HAVE WE?
OH, YES, YES. THEY
WERE ALL COOPED UP
IN A SMALL HENHOUSE.
I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE
A MUCH BETTER CHANCE
OF SELLING THE EGGS
IF WE COULD ADVERTISE
THEM AS FREE RANGE.
WELL, I DONE
EXACTLY AS YOU SAID,
I OPENED THE DOOR
TO THE HENHOUSE,
LET THEM ALL OUT AND
THEY ALL BUGGERED OFF!
PLEASE, NOT IN
FRONT OF THE LADIES.
WHO'S GONNA HELP
ME ROUND THEM UP?
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.
I'M SURE WE'LL FIND
SOME WILLING HANDS.
SHALL WE ALL HELP MR. MOULTERD
TO RECOVER THE HENS?
AFTER ALL, THEY'RE OURS.
- WHY NOT?
- COME WITH ME.
IT'S ALL MUDDY.
GOOD CLEAN MUCK
NEVER HURT NOBODY.
I DON'T LIKE THE WAY
THAT GOAT'S LOOKING AT ME.
I DON'T SUPPOSE HE LIKES THE
WAY YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM.
WHERE DO THE HENS LIVE?
THERE'S THE HENHOUSE OVER THERE.
OH, LOOK... THAT'S
DETACHED AN' ALL.
HOW DO WE PERSUADE THE HENS
TO RETURN TO THEIR
LIVING QUARTERS?
WE'LL FORM A SEMICIRCLE
AND SHOO THEM.
GO ON, SHOO, SHOO.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK KNOWS
ALL THE TECHNICAL TERMS.
COME ON.
All: SHOO! SHOO!
I'M TALKING TO YOU.
QUICK, THIS WAY.
SHOO! SHOO!
YOU'RE FRIGHTENING THEM.
MY MOTHER WILL
NEVER BELIEVE THIS...
ME, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
COUNTRY, CHASING BIRDS.
THERE'S ANOTHER
BIG HEN OVER THERE.
Peacock: THAT IS A
COCKEREL, MISS BRAHMS.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
IT'S BIGGER AND MORE
BRIGHTLY COLORED
AND ITS COMB STANDS UP.
OH, FANCY.
IT'S ALL GOING ON
IN NATURE, ISN'T IT?
NOW, LISTEN...
IF WE WERE TO
CATCH THE COCKEREL,
AND PUT IT IN THE HENHOUSE,
WOULD THAT NOT ATTRACT THE HENS?
NO. HE'D BEEN ROUND
THEM ALREADY ONCE TODAY.
SORRY I ASKED.
LOOK, THERE'S ANOTHER
COCKEREL OVER THERE!
OH, THAT'S GEORGE.
HE'S NOT INTERESTED IN THEM.
THEY AIN'T INTERESTED IN HIM.
Humphries: HE SHOULDN'T
STAND LIKE THAT.
OH, DRAT,
I'VE LOST MY SHOE IN THE MUD.
I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.
( grunts )
PUT YOUR ARM ROUND
ME AND HOLD YOUR LEG UP.
I CAN'T GET DOWN NO FURTHER.
COULD YOU GET UP ANY HIGHER?
I MOST CERTAINLY CANNOT.
I KNOW.
HOLD IT UP BACKWARDS.
OH, MR. HUMPHRIES,
WOULD YOU HOLD MY HAND
AND STEADY ME?
CERTAINLY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
THAT'S BETTER.
THIS IS HOW WE SHOE THE MARE.
I GRABS THE HOOF,
SHOVES IT BETWEEN MY
LEGS, AND SHE CAN'T MOVE.
VERY EFFECTIVE, I'M SURE.
THEN I GETS MY HAMMER OUT,
GIVES HER A FEW GOOD BANGS
AND I CAN GALLOP HER ANYWHERE.
BRACE YOURSELF, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
HE'S A REAL SON OF
THE SOIL, ISN'T HE?
HE'S GIVING ME HAY FEVER.
( cows mooing )
WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT?
THAT'S OLD BETSY.
MUST BE SOMETHING
THE MATTER WITH HER.
WE'D BETTER GO UP AND SEE.
AS YOU SEE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
WE'RE COMPLETELY
SELF-SUFFICIENT HERE,
- WE HAVE OUR OWN COWS.
- REALLY?
HOW BIG IS THE HERD?
- TWO.
- AH!
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
MY OL' DARLING?
( moos )
SHE WANTS MILKING.
OH, HE SPEAKS THE LANGUAGE.
WHAT ARE THESE HAIR CURLERS FOR?
YOU SHOVE THEM ON THE TEATS
AND YOU PRESS THIS
SWITCH AND IT MILKS THEM.
MIND YOU, OLD BETSY
HERE DON'T LIKE IT.
SHE LIKES IT DONE BY HAND.
YOU DO GET A BETTER RESULT
WITH THE PERSONAL TOUCH.
SHE NEEDS MILKING NOW.
SORRY, BETSY, I CAN'T
GET DOWN THAT FAR.
YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT TILL MAVIS
GETS BACK FROM THE VILLAGE.
AND WHO IS MAVIS?
MR. MOULTERD'S DAUGHTER.
SHE HELPS ON THE FARM
AND ABOUT THE HOUSE.
WHERE IS THAT DRATTED GIRL?
- ( mooing )
- Mrs. Slocombe: I CAN'T
STAND THIS ANY LONGER.
MISS BRAHMS, HOLD MY HAT
AND PASS ME THAT STOOL.
HERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU.
MR. HUMPHRIES, BUCKET.
( squirting )
MRS. SLOCOMBE, I HAD NO IDEA
YOU COULD DO THAT SORT OF A THING.
IT'S A KNACK, YOU KNOW.
I WAS EVACUATED DURING THE WAR.
WAIT A MINUTE, I KNOW YOU!
WE WAS ON A FARM
TOGETHER IN TIVERTON.
THAT'S RIGHT, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
YOU WAS EVACUATED WHEN
YOU WERE A LITTLE CHILD.
"LITTLE CHILD"?
SHE WAS A GREAT, BIG
WALLOPING LAND GIRL.
I WAS A LAND GIRL LATER ON.
YOU'RE RACHEL YIDDLE!
I WAS A YOUNG RAT CATCHER.
HO, HO, HO... MANY'S THE TIME
WE ROLLED AROUND IN THE HAY LOFT
WHEN I WAS LAYING THE BAIT.
YOU'RE QUITE
MISTAKEN, MAURICE...
WHATEVER YOUR NAME WAS.
( cow passes gas;
plopping sound )
IT'S GONE VERY
ORGANIC AT THIS END.
MISS BRAHMS, HOW
CHARMING YOU LOOK.
OH, THANK YOU. I ALWAYS
THINK IF YOU DRESS NICE
YOU CAN HOBNOB WITH ANYBODY.
WHERE ARE THE
OTHER HOTEL GUESTS?
FORTUNATELY, WE DON'T
EXPECT ANY UNTIL THE WEEKEND,
WHICH GIVES US A CHANCE TO
SORT OUT THE STAFF PROBLEM.
HAS ANYONE REPLIED
TO YOUR ADVERT?
I HAVEN'T CHECKED.
- MISS LOVELOCK?
- YES?
YOU'VE MET MISS
LOVELOCK, OF COURSE?
WHEN DID SHE GET HERE?
SHE CAME DOWN LATE LAST NIGHT
ASTRIDE HER POWERFUL KAWASAKI.
WHAT EXACTLY IS THAT, MAY I ASK?
IT'S A VERY LARGE,
TERRIFICALLY FAST MOTORBIKE.
INDEED?
YOUNG MR. GRACE USED TO LOVE
PUTTING ON HIS CRASH HELMET
AND CLIMBING UP BEHIND ME.
WHAT A GALLANT OLD
GENTLEMAN HE WAS.
I'M SURE MISS LOVELOCK
HAS MANY A TALE TO TELL.
I THINK WE'RE ONLY
SCRATCHING THE SURFACE.
IS SHE GONNA BE HERE LONG?
YOUNG MR. GRACE LEFT
ME THE HORSES IN HIS WILL.
THEY'RE ALL STABLED
HERE. I LIVE ABOVE.
MR. GRACE CONVERTED THE
GROOM'S QUARTERS FOR ME.
BY THE WAY, MISS LOVELOCK,
HAS ANYONE APPLIED FOR
A POSITION ON THE STAFF?
I HAVE NO IDEA. WHY DON'T YOU
CHECK THE ANSWERING MACHINE?
SHE'S A BIT BOLSHIE, ISN'T SHE?
WELL, WE HAVEN'T QUITE
CLARIFIED HER POSITION.
NO? I BET MR. GRACE
CLARIFIED IT ALL RIGHT.
( squeaking )
( metallic banging )
( metal scraping )
Mrs. Slocombe: DAMN, IT'S STUCK.
SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE!
PRESS THE EMERGENCY BUTTON!
I HAVE DONE, YOU DAFT...
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
( grunting )
HOW AM I GOING TO
GET DOWN FROM HERE?
TAKE MY HAND, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
OH, PUT IT AWAY.
OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
MR. RUMBOLD, AVERT
YOUR EYES, PLEASE.
MISS BRAHMS, WOULD YOU
GIVE ME SOME ASSISTANCE?
PULL YOUR SKIRT UP
AND SLIDE OUT ON YOUR BUM.
OH.
OH, HOW IGNOMINIOUS.
ALL CLEAR.
I JUST LOVE THOSE BIG OLD BATHS.
I HAD SO MUCH WATER
WHEN I PULLED THE PLUG OUT
I GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE VORTEX.
I HAD TO FIGHT FOR MY LIFE.
I'M DYING FOR A DRINK.
THERE IS A BAR.
I'M AFRAID THE BARMAN'S LEFT
WITH THE REST OF THE STAFF,
BUT HELP YOURSELVES.
ALLOW ME.
WHAT WILL IT BE, MISS BRAHMS?
OH...
I'LL HAVE A GIN
AND TONIC, PLEASE.
AND I'LL HAVE THE SAME,
BUT NOT TOO MUCH TONIC.
I'LL HAVE A GIN AND "IT."
WHAT IS "IT?"
DO YOU KNOW, I NEVER FOUND OUT.
- COULD YOU MAKE
A PIÑA COLADA?
- I COULD TRY.
ARE YOU UP TO A
"HARVEY WALLBANGER"?
I THINK THAT'S MORE IN
MR. HUMPHRIES' LINE OF COUNTRY.
YOU'VE ALL MET MISS LOVELOCK?
- OH, YES.
- YES.
SHE'S GOT THE GROOM'S QUARTERS.
I'VE NEVER SEEN A
GROOM'S QUARTERS.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALL HERE BECAUSE
THERE ARE THINGS I WANT
TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.
ARE YOU FREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
I SHALL BE, IN A
COUPLE OF SHAKES.
PERHAPS YOU'D ALL
LIKE TO SIT DOWN?
WE'RE NOT IN THE
STORE NOW, ARE WE?
THIS IS ALL QUITE INFORMAL.
ARE YOU FREE, MR. HUMPHRIES?
I'M FREE.
THESE CUSHIONS
HAVEN'T BEEN PUFFED UP
FOR MANY A YEAR.
I HAVE A FAX FROM MR. THORPE
WITH THE FINAL
FIGURE ON THE INCOME
FROM THE PENSION
FUND INVESTMENTS.
OH, I SAY, ISN'T THAT EXCITING?
THANK YOU, STEVEN.
YOU KNOW...
WITH ALL THOSE COMPANIES,
IT SHOULD AMOUNT TO
QUITE A FEW THOUSAND.
YES, THE FINAL FIGURE IS 2-4-3.
OH... £243,000.
THAT'S ABOUT 40 THOU EACH!
NO, £243 FOR EACH OF US.
- PER WEEK?
- PER MONTH.
DOES THAT INCLUDE MISS LOVELOCK?
OF COURSE.
WHAT'S SHE DONE TO DESERVE IT?
I DON'T THINK WE
SHOULD GO INTO THAT.
THE WHOLE THING IS A DISGRACE.
IT'S ABOUT £60 A WEEK EACH.
AND AFTER ALL THEM YEARS
OF HAVING IT SUB... UH...
"SUBSTRACTED" FROM OUR WAGES.
MISS BRAHMS, WE
HAVE BEEN DIDDLED,
AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THAT.
I WAS GOING TO BUY MY
MOTHER A NEW WASHING MACHINE.
NOW SHE'LL HAVE TO SETTLE
FOR A PAIR OF RUBBER
GLOVES AND A PACKET OF PERSIL.
I SUGGEST WE TALK
IT OVER, OVER DINNER.
THAT IS IF WE'RE GOING
TO GET ANY DINNER.
YES, YES, I'VE
ARRANGED FOR THAT.
ARE YOU FREE TO BANG
THE GONG, MR. HUMPHRIES?
CERTAINLY, MR. RUMBOLD.
WOULD YOU LIKE
ME TO START SLOWLY
AND BUILD UP TO A CRESCENDO,
OR WOULD YOU PREFER
A J. ARTHUR RANK TYPE?
PROVIDED THEY CAN
HEAR YOU IN THE KITCHEN,
I DON'T MIND WHAT YOU DO.
( taps foot )
FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
GIVE IT TO ME... I'M STARVING!
WHERE IS THE KITCHEN?
THE OTHER SIDE OF
THE DINING ROOM.
RIGHT.
( banging )
THAT SHOULD DO IT.
FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
IT'S ALL RIGHT, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
MRS. SLOCOMBE WAS ONLY
BANGING THE GONG FOR DINNER.
YOU MUSTN'T TOUCH THAT!
THAT'S THE FIRE ALARM!
THEN WHY EXACTLY HAVE
WE GOT A LARGE RED BELL
OVER THE RECEPTION
DESK MARKED "FIRE"?
WELL, THAT DON'T WORK.
THAT'S ELECTRIC.
IT WAS A SHORT CIRCUIT IN THAT
WHAT CAUSED THE LAST FIRE.
MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, DAD.
I'VE GOT THEIR DINNER.
WHEN YOU'VE FED THEM,
DON'T FORGET THE GOAT.
THIS IS MAVIS MOULTERD,
OUR WILLING PAIR OF HANDS.
OH, THEY'RE A BIT
MUCKY AT THE MOMENT.
I'VE JUST BEEN UNBUNGING
THE DRAIN IN THE COWSHED.
WHAT ARE ALL THESE LITTLE BOXES?
I'VE JUST HEATED THEM
UP IN THE "MICROBE-WAVE."
"TAKE-AWAY TANDOORI
CHICKEN AND CHIPS."
DO YOU MEAN I'VE GOT
DRESSED UP LIKE THIS
FOR TAKE-AWAY TANDOORI?
ARE YOU NOT PARTAKING,
MISS LOVELOCK?
CERTAINLY NOT, DARLING.
I HAVE SOME CAVIAR AND
SMOKED SALMON IN MY FRIDGE.
THAT'LL BE £1.35 EACH.
TAKE IT OUT OF THE TILL.
WE HAVEN'T PUT
ANYTHING IN THE TILL.
I'LL HAVE TO HAVE THE MONEY.
I BORROWED IT FROM DAD,
AND IF I GO HOME WITHOUT IT
HE'LL GIVE ME THE STRAP.
I SEE... WILL HE GIVE YOU THE
STRAP ON THE HAND OR ON THE...
THAT'LL DO, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I THINK IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES
PERHAPS WE'D BETTER DIVVY UP.
HAVE YOU GOT CHANGE FOR
A £5 NOTE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
I THINK SO.
GOOD. YOU CAN PAY FOR MINE.
NOW LISTEN, EVERYBODY
I'VE BEEN THINKING.
THIS IS OUR PLACE
AND £60 A WEEK WILL
GO NOWHERE IN LONDON,
BUT IT WOULDN'T BE TOO BAD
IF WE LIVED HERE... RENT-FREE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE COULD HAVE FREE
MILK AND FREE EGGS.
WE COULD GROW
OUR OWN VEGETABLES.
AND ON TOP OF THAT, ANY PROFIT
WE CAN MAKE OUT OF THIS HOTEL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
I VOTE WE SLEEP ON IT.
A FAT CHANCE OF THAT
AFTER EATING THIS.
SORRY TO BARGE
IN WHILE YOU'VE GOT
YOUR SNOUTS IN THE TROUGH.
THERE'S BEEN A BIT OF
COMMOTION AT THE FRONT.
- ( cat screeching )
- IT SOUNDS LIKE TIDDLES.
SHE MUST HAVE CLIMBED
OUT OF THE BEDROOM WINDOW
AND DOWN THE IVY.
DO YOU THINK SOMEBODY
SHOULD GO TO HER ASSISTANCE?
THIS SORT OF THING
IS QUITE NORMAL.
ANIMALS ALWAYS TAKE A DAY OR
TWO TO GET USED TO EACH OTHER.
WILL SOMEBODY COME
AND HELP ME, PLEASE?
THAT NAUGHTY GOAT HAS
GOT HOLD OF MY PUSSY
AND WON'T LET GO!
THERE YOU ARE, TIDDLES.
THERE'S YOUR LITTLE
HOT WATER BOTTLE.
MUMMY'S GOT A BIG ONE.
NOW YOU TRY TO DROP OFF,
AND FORGET ALL ABOUT
THAT NAUGHTY OLD G-O-A-T.
I'D JUST LOOK UNDER
THE BED TO SEE
IF THERE'S A MAN THERE.
OH WELL, BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME.
( knocking on door )
WHO'S THERE?
IT'S ME, CUTHBERT.
CAN I COME IN?
MR. RUMBOLD, I'M
IN MY NIGHT ATTIRE.
SO AM I.
WHAT I HAVE IN MIND
WON'T TAKE A MOMENT.
THAT DOES NARROW
DOWN THE POSSIBILITIES.
YOU MAY COME IN.
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE?
THIS IS THE HOUSEKEEPER'S ROOM.
YES, IT'S QUITE COZY,
BUT WHY CAN'T WE HAVE
THE PROPER HOTEL ROOMS?
WHEN OUR GUESTS COME
WE'LL NEED THE SHEETS,
AND WE DON'T HAVE ANY MORE
UNTIL WE PAY THE LAUNDRY BILL.
I'VE GOT A WET MATTRESS.
HAS IT JUST HAPPENED?
I THINK THERE'S A
LEAKY PIPE IN THE ROOF,
BECAUSE IT'S COME
DOWN THE ELECTRIC LIGHT
AND ALL OVER MY BED.
PERHAPS MRS. SLOCOMBE
WOULDN'T MIND SHARING
UNTIL WE CAN GET IT FIXED?
OH, WOULD YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE?
WELL, I'M USUALLY
UNACCOMPANIED IN THE BEDROOM,
HOWEVER SEEING AS HOW WE'VE
KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A LONG TIME
AND IT IS AN EMERGENCY,
I WILL CONCEDE.
THANKS. I'VE GOT MY OWN BOTTLE.
I'LL SEE YOU IN THE
MORNING. GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, MR. RUMBOLD.
TO BE TRUTHFUL,
I'M QUITE GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
I THINK WE'RE SAFER TOGETHER
WITH HIM PROWLING AROUND.
YES, HE DOES HAVE A RATHER
UNFULFILLED LOOK
ABOUT HIM, DOESN'T HE?
WELL, HE'S NOT GOING
TO GET TOPPED UP BY ME.
- ( creaking )
- Women: OH!
I'M SORRY TO STARTLE YOU.
I WAS JUST INVESTIGATING
WHERE THIS DOOR LED.
WELL, NOW YOU KNOW.
I'M NEXT DOOR IN THE
HEADWAITER'S ROOM.
THERE'S NO LOCK,
SO WOULD YOU BE GOOD ENOUGH
TO KNOCK WHEN YOU COME IN?
AS I USUALLY DO MY JANE FONDA
EXERCISE ROUTINE BEFORE RETIRING.
WE DIDN'T HAVE IT IN
MIND TO DISTURB YOU.
YEAH, YOU BETTER
BUNG UP THE KEYHOLE
IN CASE WE GET TEMPTED.
GOOD NIGHT.
( aerobic music playing;
Peacock grunting )
HELLO, OPERATOR.
I'M HAVING A BIT OF
DIFFICULTY WITH MY MOTHER.
NO, I DON'T WANT
THE CHILD HELPLINE.
NO.
NO, IT'S THE PHONE, YOU SEE.
I DIALED IT AND
IT ISN'T WORKING.
NO, NOT MY MOTHER ISN'T WORKING,
IT'S THE TELEPHONE.
OH, WOULD YOU,
YES... THE NUMBER IS
722-1708.
THANK YOU.
AND YOU'LL CALL ME BACK?
YOU'RE VERY KIND.
MY, IT'S NIPPY OUT THERE.
IT'S NOT BAD IN
HERE THOUGH, IS IT?
DEPENDS HOW YOU LOOK AT IT.
OH, THAT'S BETTER.
I'VE GOT TO KEEP MY
SOCKS ON, THOUGH.
I'M VERY GLAD TO HEAR IT.
ARE YOU GOING TO
BE THE NEW CHEF?
I DON'T THINK SO.
OH, NEVER MIND THEN. SHOVE OVER.
OH, NICE PAJAMAS.
THANK YOU.
THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF EXCITEMENT
ABOUT HERE TODAY, HASN'T THERE?
YES, THERE'S A LOT MORE TO COME,
BY THE LOOK OF IT.
EXCUSE ME, DO YOU THINK I
COULD ASK YOU A QUESTION?
DOES YOUR FATHER
KNOW YOU'RE HERE?
NO, HE DON'T CARE WHERE I AM,
LONG AS I'M OUT OF THE WAY.
IF HE KNEW YOU WERE HERE,
HE WOULDN'T GIVE YOU
THE STRAP, WOULD HE?
NOT AS A RULE.
HE WOULDN'T GIVE ME THE STRAP?
LOOK, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
TALK ALL NIGHT, ARE YOU?
I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO MOVE.
TURN THE LIGHT OUT,
IT'S ON YOUR SIDE.
( phone rings )
HELLO?
OH, HELLO, MOTHER, YES, IT'S ME.
NO, NO, I'M FINE.
IT'S WORKED OUT QUITE WELL.
NOT QUITE HOW YOU'D EXPECT.
NO, NO, I'M ALL RIGHT, I'M
TUCKED IN THE CHEF'S BED.
NO, HE'S GONE.
NO, MOTHER, FOR
GOODNESS SAKE, CALM DOWN,
YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
IN FACT, YOU MAY
NEVER HAVE ANYTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT EVER AGAIN.
( theme music plays )