Are You Being Served? Again! (1992–1993): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

( theme music playing )

OH, YOU'RE UP EARLY.

WELL, I COULDN'T SLEEP.

IT WAS ALL THOSE COUNTRY NOISES.

AT LEAST, I THINK MOST OF
THEM WERE COUNTRY NOISES.

I PUT THE REST DOWN

TO THE TANDOORI AND
CHIPS WE HAD LAST NIGHT.

I WENT OUT LIKE A LIGHT.

I THINK IT WAS ALL
THE OXYGEN IN THE AIR.

HAVE YOU MADE THE TEA?

NOT YET.



SEE IF YOU CAN FIND A
TEAPOT, MISS BRAHMS.

( screams )

WHATEVER'S THE MATTER?

THERE'S A MOUSE IN THERE.

HE'S SAT IN THERE,
BOLD AS BRASS,

CLEANING HIS WHISKERS.

OH... HE WON'T BE SO CONFIDENT

WHEN HE SEES MY PUSSY.

WHERE IS TIDDLES?

SHE'S IN THE BEDROOM, ASLEEP.

OH, LOOK, THERE'S
A CAT FLAP HERE.

THERE'S A BIG GINGER TOM

SAT OUTSIDE HERE
WAITING FOR HER.

WORD SOON GETS ABOUT, DON'T IT?



WELL, I DON'T WANT
TO LET HER OUT

UNTIL I'VE PUT
BUTTER ON HER PAWS.

ONE HAS TO DO THAT, YOU KNOW,

WHEN ONE MOVES
TO A NEW RESIDENCE.

BUT ALL I COULD
FIND IN THE PANTRY

WAS HALF A CARTON
OF LOWFAT SPREAD.

WASN'T THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

YES, SOME YOGURT,
WITH A GREEN BEARD,

SOME SLICED BREAD,
AND A BONELESS KIPPER

WITH ABOUT FOUR MINUTES
LEFT ON ITS "SELL BY" DATE.

WHERE'S THE MILK?

STILL IN THE COW, MISS BRAHMS.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

TAKE ME TEA OUT THERE,

CORNER IT, AND
GET A QUICK SQUIRT?

THIS IS THE COUNTRY,

WE HAVE TO ADAPT
TO COUNTRY WAYS.

- MORNING, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- MORNING, CAPTAIN.

- MORNING, MISS BRAHMS.
- MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

WE HEARD YOU SLEEPING
WELL LAST NIGHT.

DID I SNORE?

THAT WAS THE INTERPRETATION

WE CHOSE TO PUT ON IT.

WELL, UH, WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST?

WELL, SOME OF IT'S
STILL UNDER THE HENS,

SOME OF IT'S IN THE COW.

THE REST IS IN THE PIGSTY,

AND HE DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT DANGER HE'S IN.

WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?

HE'S PROBABLY OVERSLEPT.

OH, YES... LOOK,

YOU MAKE THE TEA, MISS BRAHMS,

I'LL GO AND AROUSE HIM.

RIGHT.

I FOUND THIS OLD TEAPOT,
I'LL BUNG IN SOME TEABAGS.

NO, MISS BRAHMS,

LET ME TELL YOU HOW TO MAKE TEA.

ONE DOESN'T BUNG IN THE TEABAGS

UNTIL ONE HAS WARMED THE POT.

( screams )

IS THERE A JUG ANYWHERE?

( knock on door )

Mrs. Slocombe: GOOD MORNING!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MOTHER?

THERE'S NO SCHOOL ON SUNDAYS.

NO, NO, NO, IT'S
ME, MR. HUMPHRIES,

MRS. SLOCOMBE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE?

COME IN, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

IT'S 9:00.

AND IT'S A BEAUTIFUL MORNING.

TIME FOR YOU TO RISE AND SHINE.

OH, WELL, GIVE ME A MOMENT

AND I MIGHT MANAGE A SHINE.

I HAD THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY
DREAM LAST NIGHT.

I DREAMT THAT THE FARMER'S
DAUGHTER CAME IN HERE

AND GOT INTO BED WITH ME.

THAT'S NOT LIKE
YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

I KNOW.

WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING.

THAT'S MORE LIKE
YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES.

MORNING, ALL.

I HOPE I DIDN'T DISTURB YOU

WHEN I WOKE THIS MORNING.

I WAS UP BEFORE SPARROW-FART.

HOW PICTURESQUE.

DAD MAKES ME MUCK OUT
THE COWSHED FIRST THING.

OH, DOES HE REALLY?

WHEN I WOKE, I DIDN'T KNOW

WHETHER TO AROUSE YOU OR NOT.

THAT'S A VERY DIFFICULT
DECISION TO HAVE TO MAKE.

THEN I LOOKED AT YOU
LAYING THERE AND I THOUGHT,

"HE'LL GET UP WHEN
HE FEELS LIKE IT."

NOW, I LEFT ONE OF
MY SOCKS DOWN HERE.

IT'S IN HERE SOMEWHERE.

ARE YOU SITTING ON IT?

I DON'T THINK SO.

GIVE OVER!

AREN'T YOU NICE AND WARM?

HERE IT IS.

DO YOU KNOW HE'S NO
BOTHER TO SLEEP WITH?

HE DIDN'T MOVE ALL NIGHT.

HE WAS PROBABLY PARALYZED.

WELL, I BEST GET
ON WITH MY WORK.

I LEFT A BARRELFUL OF MUCK

FROM THE COWSHED OUT THE BACK.

IF DAD SEES IT,

HE'LL HAVE STEAM
COMING OUT HIS EARS.

IT WAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME,

SHE JUST CAME IN AND...

DON'T WORRY, MR. HUMPHRIES,

IT WILL GO NO FARTHER.

I'M SURPRISED IT'S
GONE AS FAR AS IT HAS.

AH, GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

IS THERE A POT OF TEA?

YES, IT HAD A MOUSE IN IT.

WELL, THAT SORT OF THING

IS RATHER PREVALENT
IN THE COUNTRY.

I MADE THE TEA IN A JUG,

BUT THERE ISN'T ANY MILK.

HERE, MRS. SLOCOMBE
GOT A BUCKETFUL

OUT THAT COW YESTERDAY.

- WHERE IS IT?
- PROBABLY IN THE LARDER.

THERE'S NOTHING
ELSE FOR BREAKFAST

EXCEPT SOME MOLDY OLD KIPPER.

THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF EGGS.

MRS. SLOCOMBE IS THE
"EGGSPERT" IN THESE MATTERS.

FOLLOWING HER
"EGGSPERIENCE" AS A LAND GIRL,

SHE'LL PROBABLY GO FORAGING

WHEN SHE COMES DOWN.

OH, NOT TOO MUCH FOR ME.

WELL...

I HAVE AROUSED MR. HUMPHRIES.

HE SLEPT WELL, AND
I CAN SAY NO MORE.

MY LIPS ARE SEALED.

WILD HORSES WOULDN'T
DRAG FROM ME WHAT I KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

OH, I COULDN'T
POSSIBLY TELL YOU.

NO, NO, NO, HE MUST
TELL YOU HIMSELF.

OR SHE MUST.

SHE?

I CAN'T TELL YOU WHO IT WAS,

IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR ON HER.

OR ON HIM.

OH, COME ON, IT'S KILLING ME,

COME ON, GIVE US THE DIRT.

MISS BRAHMS, WE MUST RESPECT

MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
RELUCTANCE TO REVEAL

SOME VITAL, PERSONAL
SECRET OF MR. HUMPHRIES.

BUT SHE'S BUSTING
HER GUT TO TELL US.

I CAN'T FIND MY
KNICKERS NOWHERE.

WILL YOU ASK MR. HUMPHRIES
IF I LEFT 'EM UNDER HIS PILLOW?

I'LL GET THE EGGS.

GOOD MORNING, GIRLS.

DON'T BE FRIGHTENED,
IT'S ONLY ME.

NOW, WHO'S GOING TO GIVE ME
SOMETHING NICE FOR BREAKFAST?

HOW ABOUT THIS?

MR. MOULTERD, HOW DARE YOU
PUT YOUR HAND ON MY PERSON?!

WELL, I WAS JUST
SHOWING YOU I WAS HERE.

I'M AWARE OF THAT.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO THEN?

WELL, I'M JUST GATHERING
SOME EGGS FOR BREAKFAST.

OH, DARN IT, I SEEM TO
BE STUCK IN THE DOORWAY.

WELL, YOU HANG ON THERE,

I'LL GRAB YOUR CORSETS
AND GIVE YA A TUG.

MR. MOULTERD,

FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
I DO NOT WEAR CORSETS.

WELL, I'LL GRAB YOUR HIPS.

IF I CAN DELIVER A CALF,

I CAN GET YOU OUTTA THERE.

WELL, I DON'T SEE
THE SIMILARITY.

AW...

TOO MUCH TO GET
ME FINGERS ROUND.

OH!

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL
GRAB YOUR SHOULDER,

AND EASE YOU OUT.

OH, AND PLEASE BE GENTLE.

OH! OW!

MRS. SLOCOMBE'S TAKING
RATHER A LONG TIME.

I WONDER WHAT SHE'S DOING?

( Mrs. Slocombe moaning )

I THINK WE'LL LEAVE
HER AT THE MOMENT.

THAT WAS A VERY NICE
EGG, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

IT HAD BETTER BE,

MR. MOULTERD HAD TO GET A CHAIN

TO EXTRACT ME FROM THE
DOORWAY OF THE HENHOUSE.

THEY'RE VERY FRESH.

SO WAS MR. MOULTERD.

I'LL PUT A COZY ON
MR. HUMPHRIES' EGG

TO KEEP IT WARM FOR
HIM TILL HE GETS DOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY
TO HIM WHEN HE GETS HERE?

REMEMBER, I HAVEN'T SAID A WORD.

I THINK WE CAN PUT
TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.

YES, IF YOU ASK ME,

TWO AND TWO'S BEEN
TOGETHER ALL NIGHT.

WELL, THE GIRL WAS ACCUSTOMED

TO SLEEPING WITH THE CHEF.

SIMPLE COUNTRY
FOLK OFTEN DO THAT

JUST TO KEEP WARM.

OH, JUST THINK, IF IT'S
A REALLY COLD NIGHT,

YOU COULD FIND MR. MOULTERD

CLIMBING IN WITH
YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

IT COULD BE SUB-ZERO,
MISS BRAHMS,

AND HE WOULDN'T CROSS MY PORTAL.

MORNING, MR. HUMPHRIES.

OH, GOOD MORNING.

OH!

DID YOU SLEEP WELL?

AS WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED.

MUST HAVE BEEN A NOVEL
EXPERIENCE FOR YOU.

WHAT MUST?

OH, SLEEPING IN THE COUNTRY

IN A STRANGE BED.

NO, IT WAS QUITE COZY.

YOU WEREN'T COLD, WERE YOU?

NO, NOT IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

THERE'S A RUMOR THAT, UH...

YOU WEREN'T ON
YOUR OWN LAST NIGHT.

I WONDER WHERE THAT CAME FROM?

WELL, DON'T LOOK AT ME.

WE HAD A SLIGHT CLUE
WHEN MISS MOULTERD

ASKED FOR HER KNICKERS BACK.

I WONDERED WHERE THEY CAME FROM.

I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT'VE
BELONGED TO THE CHEF.

OH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T FEEL LIKE
ANY BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.

I THINK I'LL GO
FOR A MANLY WALK.

I MIGHT POP INTO THE
VILLAGE AND BUY A PIPE...

( deepens voice ) AND A COUPLE
OF OUNCES OF ST. BRUNO.

AH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
THERE YOU ARE.

I THINK WE SHOULD
HAVE A COUNCIL OF WAR

TO DECIDE WHAT WE'RE
GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS PLACE.

GOOD IDEA. WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

I'LL GATHER THEM TOGETHER.

UH, MISS BRAHMS, ARE YOU FREE?

I WILL BE AS SOON AS
I'VE PUFFED THIS FIRE UP.

THAT REMINDS ME, I HOPE
WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE

THAT TANDOORI
CHICKEN AGAIN TONIGHT.

OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

HOW ARE YOU WITH BALL COCKS?

I'M NOT A ONE THING OR
THE OTHER, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

BECAUSE THE ONE IN MY BATHROOM

IS IN A STATE OF CONSTANT FLUSH.

PROBABLY ITS AGE.

GATHER ROUND, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

WE'RE MEETING
ABOUT OUR POSITION.

WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?

OH, HE'S JUST STRIDING IN NOW.

MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?

( deep voice ) I'M FREE.

DID YOU HAVE A MANLY WALK?

OH, YES.

I LIKE THE WALKING STICK.

OH, IT WAS THE KNOBBLIEST ONE

THEY HAD IN THE SHOP.

I WAS GOING TO
BUY A KNOBBLY PIPE,

BUT THAT WOULD BE
GOING A BIT TOO FAR.

I THINK YOU LOOK VERY DASHING.

THANK YOU.

GATHER ROUND, EVERYBODY.

QUITE INFORMALLY, OF COURSE.
WE'RE NOT IN THE STORE NOW.

WE ARE ALL HERE.

WELL, WHERE'S MISS LOVELOCK?

AFTER ALL, SHE'S
A CO-BENEFICIARY

UNDER MR. GRACE'S WILL.

I SAW HER EARLIER THIS MORNING,

SADDLING UP HER HORSE.

I THINK WE SHOULD TRY

TO GET RID OF HER,

SHE SHOULDN'T BE INCLUDED.

ALL THOSE YEARS WE SLAVED,

PAID INTO OUR PENSION.

- SHE'S DONE NOTHING.
- TRUE.

MIND YOU, SHE DID
COMFORT YOUNG MR. GRACE

IN HIS DECLINING WEEKS.

YES, BUT IF WE COULD
PROVE HE WAS DOTTY,

AND DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT HE WAS DOING...

MORNING, ALL.

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY WHIP?

HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING.

THERE IT IS.

DO YOU RIDE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

WHEN I WAS IN THE ARMY,

I DID OCCASIONALLY
CLIMB INTO THE SADDLE.

YEAH, USED TO CYCLE
DOWN TO THE N.A.A.F.I.

TO GET HIS FIVE WOODBINES.

I SUPPOSE YOU EX-ARMY
CHAPS HAVE TO PUT UP

WITH A LOT OF LEG PULLING.

YES, INDEED WE DO.

NOT MANY OF THE
YOUNGER GENERATION

UNDERSTAND WHAT WE WENT THROUGH.

I LOVE HEARING ABOUT
THE DARING AND UNUSUAL.

OH, WE MUST HAVE A
LITTLE CHAT SOMETIME.

CAN WE GET ON?

MISS LOVELOCK, MISS LOVELOCK,

WE ARE GATHERED TOGETHER TO MAKE

SOME DECISIONS ABOUT OUR FUTURE.

LIVE FOR TODAY, DARLING.

I'VE GOT A STALLION
WAITING FOR ME OUTSIDE.

HE'S 16 HANDS AND
HE'S JUST HAD HIS OATS.

SEE YOU LATER.

OH, GET HER.

SHE'S VERY ABOVE HERSELF.

WE MUST LET YOUTH HAVE ITS HEAD.

ARE WE ALL AGREED

THAT WE SHOULD
TRY TO RUN THIS PLACE

AS A MONEY-MAKING
COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL?

WELL, I AGREE,
PROVIDED MR. HUMPHRIES

ISN'T GOING TO SMOKE THAT PIPE.

YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S
GETTING THE BETTER OF ME.

I'M BEGINNING TO HALLUCINATE.

I HAVE A VISION OF A
GANG OF IRISH LABORERS

LAYING A RAILWAY LINE.

THEN YOU'D BETTER GIVE IT
UP BEFORE THE TRAIN COMES.

IT'S ALL VERY WELL TRYING
TO RUN THIS PLACE AS A HOTEL,

BUT WHAT DO WE DO FOR MONEY?

THERE'S NOTHING IN THE KITTY.

I SPOKE TO MR. THORPE,
YOUNG MR. GRACE'S SOLICITOR,

ABOUT THAT VERY
MATTER THIS MORNING.

HE'S ON HIS WAY
DOWN WITH AN ADVANCE

ON OUR FIRST MONTH'S
PAYMENT ON THE PENSION FUND.

UH, LESS TAX.

WE COULD USE THAT

TO GET THE SHEETS
BACK FROM THE LAUNDRY,

OR SOME FOOD, AND MAKE
AN ADVANCE TO THE STAFF.

HAVE YOU HAD ANY REPLIES
TO YOUR ADVERTISEMENT?

UH, NO, NOT AS YET.

WHAT HAVE WE ADVERTISED
IN, "COUNTRY LIFE"?

WELL, ACTUALLY, I PUT A CARD

IN THE LOCAL NEWS
AGENT'S WINDOW.

AND IN THE LOCAL PAPER.

WHO'S GOING TO PAY MAVIS' WAGES?

OH, SHE GIVES HER SERVICES FREE.

I THINK WE SHOULD
GIVE HER SOMETHING.

AND I THINK WE COULD
LEAVE THAT TO MR. HUMPHRIES.

I THOUGHT YOU ALL MIGHT
LIKE A NICE CUP OF TEA.

OH, THANK YOU.

( sniffs )

OOH!

SOMEONE'S SMOKING A PIPE.

OH, I DO LOVE A MAN
WHO SMOKES A PIPE.

( coughing )

NOW, WHAT YOU ALL
GONNA DO ABOUT LUNCH?

SHALL I GO OUT AND KILL
A COUPLE OF CHICKENS?

OR SHALL I SHOOT A FEW RABBITS?

OH, DEAR, WE WERE
THINKING OF SOMETHING

A LITTLE LESS PRIMITIVE.

MM, WE WERE... GUNS TERRIFY ME.

OH, YOU DON'T WANT
TO WORRY ABOUT GUNS.

ALL YOU NEED IS
SOMEONE TO SHOW YOU.

COME OUT WITH ME IN THE FIELDS,

AND I'LL HAVE YOU
BANGING AWAY IN NO TIME.

COULDN'T WE GO TO THE SHOPS?

IF YOU WANT TO GO
DOWN TO THE VILLAGE

DAD'LL FIX YOU UP
WITH TRANSPORT.

OH, THIS IS IT THEN.

THIS IS OLD DICK.

NOW, WHICH OF YOU'S
GOING TO HANDLE HIM?

I'LL LEAVE THAT TO
YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

YOU STEP UP HERE, RACHEL.

MR. MOULTERD,

ALTHOUGH WE MAY
HAVE BEEN ACQUAINTED

MANY YEARS AGO IN OUR YOUTH,

THE PASSAGE OF TIME
HAS CANCELED OUT

ANY FAMILIARITY WE MAY HAVE HAD.

I PREFER TO BE KNOWN
AS MRS. SLOCOMBE.

WHY, YOU BIRD... YOU
AIN'T HALF COME ON

SINCE YOU WAS KNOWN
AS THE TIVERTON BICYCLE.

THEY USED TO PULL MY LEG
BECAUSE I HAD A THREE-WHEELER.

RIGHT. MIND HOW YOU GO.

OH, GET OFF!

WONDER IF I SHOULD
GET A BIGGER HORSE?

COME ON THE OTHER SIDE.

Mrs. Slocombe: THANK
YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

WOULD YOU GIVE ME A
HAND, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

MR. MOULTERD?

KINDLY AVERT YOUR EYES.

YOU NEEDN'T HAVE WORRIED,
I'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE.

MR. MOULTERD, THESE
FLIGHTS OF FANCY YOU HAVE

REGARDING THIS
IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIP

ARE REALLY GETTING ON MY WICK!

IN THAT CASE,

I'LL PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED.

IT NEVER DID HAPPEN... AW,

DRIVE ON, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

Miss Lovelock: MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

I'VE JUST BEEN OVER
TO BLACKSTOCK.

THE HUNT'LL BE GOING ACROSS
OUR LAND THIS AFTERNOON.

I'LL MAKE SURE THEM
CHICKENS AIN'T WANDERIN'.

WILL YOU BE FOLLOWING
THE PACK, MISS LOVELOCK?

YES, CAPTAIN.

WILL YOU BE JOINING US?

I'LL CERTAINLY THINK ABOUT IT.

GIDDY UP.

GIDDY UP.

YOU'LL PROBABLY THINK
ABOUT IT FOR SOME TIME.

IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA
IF YOU TOOK THE BRAKE OFF.

OH, OKAY.

GIDDY UP.

THIS HOT WATER ISN'T COMING
THROUGH VERY QUICKLY.

OH, THERE'S NO HOT WATER.

IF YOU WANT HOT WATER,

YOU GOT TO GET THE BOILER GOING.

WHERE'S THE SWITCH?

SWITCH? OH, YOU TOWN
PEOPLE ARE A LAUGH.

IF EVERYTHING WAS
DONE BY A SWITCH,

WE'D HAVE NOTHING TO DO
ALL DAY, NOW WOULD WE?

YOU'VE GOTTA THROW THE LOGS

ON THE BOILER AND LIGHT IT.

OH, COME ON WITH
ME, I'LL SHOW YOU.

THERE IT IS.

GET THAT GOING AND IT
DOES THE WHOLE HOUSE.

SAY, THIS IS BIG ENOUGH
FOR THE QUEEN MARY.

WE FINISHED THE LOGS LAST NIGHT.

WE'LL HAVE TO START A FEW MORE.

PUT THAT BIG ONE ON THE HORSE.

COULDN'T WE START
WITH SOMETHING SMALLER?

OH, COME ON, I'LL HELP YOU.

READY... ONE... TWO... THREE...

- HEAVE!
- ( straining )

COME ON!

I HAVE HEAVED, BUT
NOTHING'S HAPPENED.

NOTHING I COULD
DISCUSS WITH A STRANGER.

COME ON.

NOW LET'S SEE WHAT
YOU'RE MADE OF.

THAT'S IT.

NOW, TAKE THE
OTHER END OF THE SAW.

OH, I SAY,

IT'S "SEVEN BRIDES
FOR SEVEN BROTHERS"

ALL OVER AGAIN.

WHEN MY DAD DOES THIS,

HE GETS STRIPPED
DOWN TO THE WAIST.

I HOPE THIS ISN'T A
FAMILY TRADITION.

NOW, IT'S ALL IN THE RHYTHM.

IN, OUT. IN, OUT.

NOW WHEN I GO OUT, YOU GO IN.

AND WHEN I GO IN, YOU GO OUT.

HAVE YOU GOT THAT?

I'M WORKING ON IT.

RIGHT.

GO.

OH!

I'M OUT.

OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
ISN'T THIS ROMANTIC?

YOU AND I TROTTING ALONG

LIKE JANE EYRE AND HEATHCLIFF.

ON THEIR WAY TO THE BUTCHER'S.

OH, THE COUNTRYSIDE
IS SO PRETTY.

OH, LOOK, THERE'S
A BULL CLIMBING UP

ON THE BACK OF THAT COW

TO GET A BETTER
LOOK OVER THE HEDGE.

YOU KNOW, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

YOU HANDLE THE REINS
WITH SUCH APLOMB.

THANK YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

DO YOU THINK ON THE WAY BACK

YOU COULD GIVE ME A GO?

I'VE DONE IT BEFORE,
WHEN I WAS A GIRL.

THE MILKMAN OFTEN
USED TO LET ME HAVE A GO.

WHOA, DICK!

WHAT A RIDICULOUS PLACE TO PARK.

BUT WHERE'S THE DRIVER?

NO SIGN OF HIM.

THESE COUNTRY FOLK
HAVE NO IDEA AT ALL.

LOOK, YOU STAY THERE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I'LL GO AND MOVE
IT INTO THAT FIELD.

NOW, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
MRS. SLOCOMBE,

B-B-BE CAREFUL.

OH, DON'T WORRY,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

ONE NEVER FORGETS THIS
SORT OF THING, YOU KNOW.

IT'S LIKE RIDING A BICYCLE.

AH, YES, THE THREE-WHEELER.

- GIDDY UP.
- ( snorting )

COME ON, LADDIE.

OH, WHOA!

OH, STOP, YOU DAMN THING!

OH... OH... CAPTAIN PEACOCK!

COME TO MY AID!

( hunters' horns blowing )

HOY, YOU.

FOLLOW THAT HORSE AND CAR.

I HAVE EVERY
INTENTION OF SO DOING.

GIDDY UP, OLD DICK!

YOU'RE QUITE A GOER
WHEN YOU GET STARTED.

THAT'S WHAT THEY USED TO SAY

AT THE DAFFODIL CLUB.

OH, SEEMS LIKE ANOTHER WORLD.

HERE! WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

NOTHIN', DAD. NOTHIN', REALLY.

JUST THROWIN' A FEW
MORE LOGS ON THE BOILER.

YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE THIS
YOUNG GENTLEMEN DO THAT.

THAT'S WOMAN'S WORK.

SHE AIN'T BEEN MAKING
EYES AT YOU, HAVE SHE?

CERTAINLY NOT.

AND IF SHE STARTS
ANY OF THAT LARK,

I'LL GIVE HER THE STRAP.

YOU REMEMBER
YOUR PLACE, ME GIRL.

YES, DAD.

A MESSAGE COME THROUGH
ON THAT TELEPHONE THEN.

MRS. SLOCOMBE'S IN THE NICK
FOR STEALING A GYPSY CART,

CAPTAIN PEACOCK GOT
DONE FOR SPEEDING.

THEY ONLY WENT TO THE BUTCHER'S.

BETTER PUT ANOTHER
LOG ON THE FIRE.

THEY CAN HAVE A NICE, HOT BATH

WHEN THEY GET IN.

( coughing )

UH, VERY WELL, MR. THORPE,

WE'LL EXPECT YOU SHORTLY.

OH, YOU COULDN'T
GIVE MRS. SLOCOMBE

AND CAPTAIN PEACOCK
A LIFT, COULD YOU?

THEY'RE AT THE POLICE STATION.

THEY'VE HAD THEIR
TRAP IMPOUNDED.

I'M SURE THEY'LL EXPLAIN.

THANK YOU. GOODBYE.

I JUST BEEN DOWN THE
DRIVE TO THE POST BOX,

YOU'VE GOT LETTERS.

THANK YOU, MISS MOULTERD.

THESE ARE APPLICATIONS FOR
THE POSITIONS WE'VE ADVERTISED.

MR. HUMPHRIES, PERHAPS
YOU'D LIKE TO... MISS BRAHMS.

FEELING BETTER, MR. HUMPHRIES?

HOW'S YOUR BACK AFTER ALL
THAT IN AND OUT WE WERE DOING?

I EXPECT I'LL GET USED TO IT.

WHERE WERE YOU
DOING THIS IN AND OUT?

IN THE WOODSHED.

YOU'LL BE BUYING THAT
KNOBBLY PIPE NEXT.

WE WERE LIGHTING
A FIRE TOGETHER.

THIS IS FROM A MRS. HAMPTON,
FOR THE POSITION OF COOK.

OH, DON'T HAVE HER,
SHE'S ONLY GOT ONE ARM.

SHE ROLLS THE PASTRY
BETWEEN HER KNEES.

OH, I DON'T FANCY THAT.

MIND YOU, GIVE HER HER DUE,
SHE MAKES GREAT DONUTS.

THIS IS VERY SPIDERY WRITING,

I THINK IT'S FROM
A MRS. LEMMING.

OH, SHE'S THE ONE WHAT
WORKS FOR THE UNDERTAKER.

SHE'S A DEAR OLD SOUL.

SHE LAYS 'EM OUT
BEAUTIFUL, SHE DOES.

PERHAPS SHE COULD DO
THE SAME FOR THE TABLES.

MAVIS, YOU'N SUPPOSED
TO BE ON THE TRACTOR!

OH, SORRY, DAD.

THERE'S PLOWIN' TO BE DONE

AND MUCK TO BE SPREAD!

I BETTER RUN ALONG OR
HE'LL GIVE ME THE STRAP.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUNG
GIRLS IS COMIN' TO THESE DAYS.

AH, MR. THORPE. MISS, UH...

PRESCOTT.

- MORNING.
- MORNING.

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE
TO COME OVER HERE.

OH, MRS. SLOCOMBE!
YOU LOOK ALL IN.

OH, DEAR, DID YOU
GET TO THE SHOPS?

THEY DON'T LET
YOU OUT OF THE CELL

TO GO SHOPPING.

SIT HERE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

I'LL PUFF THESE
CUSHIONS UP FOR YOU.

I'LL GET YOU A
NICE GIN AND TONIC.

THE POLICE THOUGHT MRS.
SLOCOMBE WAS A VAGRANT GYPSY.

I HAD TO TRY AND
EXPLAIN THAT THE FACT

THAT SHE WAS TRAVELING
AT 32 MILES AN HOUR

IN A RAG-AND-BONE MAN'S
CART, WITH HER LEGS IN THE AIR,

WAS ALL AN ACCIDENT.

WHAT ARE THE CHARGES?

SPEEDING, RECKLESS DRIVING,

AND DRIVING AWAY A VEHICLE
WITHOUT THE OWNER'S CONSENT.

AND MR. THORPE MANAGED
TO PERSUADE THEM

NOT TO PRESS THE CHARGE
OF INDECENT EXPOSURE.

APPARENTLY, THERE
WAS JUST A FLASH

AS SHE WENT PAST
THE POST OFFICE.

THE CASE COMES UP BEFORE
THE LOCAL MAGISTRATES

IN THE MORNING.

OH, WELL, LOOK
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

SHOULD BE PUBLICITY
FOR THE HOTEL.

IT WAS ALL SO "IGNOMONIOUS."

OH, DO YOU THINK I'LL GET

A HEAVY FINE?

THEY'LL PROBABLY PUT
YOU IN CELL BLOCK "H."

I HAVE SOME RATHER BETTER NEWS.

I'VE DRAWN FOR YOU A CHECK.

THEY'LL PROBABLY CASH
IT AT THE POST OFFICE.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS
SHOW YOUR CREDENTIALS.

THEY'VE ALREADY
SEEN MRS. SLOCOMBE'S.

PLEASE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

IT WAS SO HUMILIATING.

I SEE A SLIGHT SNAG.
IT'S CLEAR THIS CHECK

HAS TO HAVE TWO
SIGNATURES ON IT.

YOU'VE SIGNED IT, MR. THORPE,

DO I SIGN IT IN MY
MANAGERIAL CAPACITY?

NO. THE CO-TRUSTEE FOR THE FUND

IS MISS LOVELOCK.

MISS LOVELOCK?

DID I HEAR RIGHT?

YOU MEAN WE GO TO HER

EVERY TIME WE WANT
TO CASH A CHECK?

HOW DID SHE GET
IN THAT POSITION?

IT APPEARS THAT YOUNG MR. GRACE

HAD THE VERY HIGHEST REGARD

FOR HER ABILITIES.

IN HIS LATTER DAYS, IF ANYTHING
OF IMPORTANCE CAME UP,

HE WAS CONTENT TO
PLACE IT IN HER HANDS.

WHAT A TRUSTING OLD
GENTLEMEN HE WAS.

GOD, IS THERE ANY BRANDY LEFT?

IF THERE IS, WE'RE
ALL HAVING ONE.

IS THE HUNT OVER?

NO, IT'S JUST STARTED.

UNFORTUNATELY, MY
STALLION WAS TERRIBLY FRESH.

HE THREW ME AT THE FIRST GATE.

A HUNTER CAME ON TOP OF ME,

AND I'VE BEEN FLAT ON MY BACK
IN A DITCH FOR HALF AN HOUR.

QUITE A NORMAL
AFTERNOON FOR YOU.

WE'RE ALL DELIGHTED

YOU'RE ONE OF THE PEOPLE
TO SIGN OUR CHECKS FOR US.

UH, MR. RUMBOLD.

OH, YES, ISN'T IT A BORE?

STILL, AT LEAST YOU
KNOW I'M ALWAYS HERE

IF ANYTHING IMPORTANT COMES UP.

WELL, IF IT DOES, I'M SURE
YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW.

WHERE'S THE CHECK?

UH, MR. RUMBOLD, THE CHECK.

OH, THAT'S FUNNY,

I CAN'T SEEM TO FEEL MY FINGERS.

MUST HAVE BEEN THE FALL.

GET ON THE SOFA.

SHE'S GOT FINGER TROUBLE.

IF SHE DOESN'T GET
HER CIRCULATION BACK,

THE SHOPS'LL BE
SHUT. WE'LL ALL STARVE.

LIE DOWN THERE. I'LL
SEE IF I CAN GET IT GOING.

HAVE YOU DONE THIS
SORT OF THING BEFORE?

OH, MANY A TIME, YES.

I STUDIED UNDER THE
JAPANESE AT NIGHT SCHOOL.

NOW LIE DOWN.

HE'S ALMOST TAKEN
ON A NEW LEASE OF LIFE

SINCE HE CAME DOWN HERE.

YOU'RE NOT KIDDING.

WHILE YOU WAS OUT,

HE WAS IN AND OUT-ING
IN THE WOODSHED.

WHO WITH?

MAVIS MOULTERD.

HE LIT HER FIRE.

IF I'M ANY JUDGE OF CHARACTER,

SHE'S BURSTS INTO
FLAME VERY EASILY.

NOW THEN, HOW'S THAT?

THAT FEELS MUCH BETTER.

MM, OH GOOD.

MISS LOVELOCK?

PERHAPS IF I WERE TO,
UH, GUIDE YOUR HAND,

YOU MIGHT BE ABLE
TO SIGN THE CHECK.

JUST PUSH MY WRIST ALONG SLOWLY,

I'LL DO THE UP AND DOWN BIT.

OH, JESSICA, WHAT A PRETTY NAME.

OOZING CHARM FROM EVERY PORE.

JUST TO GET HER SIGNATURE.

OH, WELL, CRISIS AVERTED.

( horn blows, dogs barking )

OH, DAMN. THEY'VE GOT THE SCENT,

AND I'M MISSING IT.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T HELP FEELING

A BIT SORRY FOR THE FOX.

OH, YOU DIDN'T THINK THAT

WHEN YOU WAS WEARING ONE.

THAT WAS BEFORE I WAS AWARE

OF THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT.

I DON'T WANT TO WORRY
YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

BUT YOUR CAT'S ONLY 100
YARDS AHEAD OF THE PACK.

WHAT?

SHE'S LOSING GROUND FAST.

SHE'LL BE LUCKY TO MAKE IT

TO THE RHUBARB BED.

OH! WHERE IS THE RHUBARB?

ROUND THE BACK.

SHE'S HEADING THIS WAY.

HER TONGUE'S HANGING OUT.

EVERYTHING'S HANGING OUT.

FIVE TO ONE SHE DON'T MAKE IT!

YOU'RE ON!

HERE SHE COMES!

( meowing )

THIS IS DISGRACEFUL!

I'M GOING TO GIVE THAT
HUNT A PIECE OF MY MIND!

( dogs barking )

GO AWAY! GO AWAY!

YOU NAUGHTY DOGGIES!

YOUNG MAN,

HAVE YOU ANYTHING
TO DO WITH THIS HUNT?

YES, MA'AM, I'M THE WHIPPER-IN.

WELL, THEY'RE NOT
HAVING MY PUSSY!

AND I AM UNANIMOUS
IN THAT. NOW GO AWAY!

( theme music playing )