Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 3, Episode 6 - German Week - full transcript
The ladies and gents are selling German goods for the next week. But neither the staff nor the customers are warming up to the lederhosens. In order to boost the German spirit, the floor gets out some German wine and dresses up for a folk dance. The question is, will Mr.Grace approve?
♫ Ground floor: perfumery,
stationary, and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food
♫ Going up
♫ First floor: telephones,
gents ready made suits
♫ Shirts, sockss, ties,
hats, underwear and shoes
♫ Going up
♫ Second floor: carpets,
travel goods and bedding
♫ Materials, soft furnishings,
restaurants, and ties
- Guten morgen, mein herren.
Here you are, then.
Have a load of kraut chiffers.
- That's one hundred hats
with shaving brushes on the side.
We won't sell them you
know, Captain Peacock.
- It's not for us to
reason why, Mr. Humphries.
Young Mr. Grace in his wisdom has seen fit
to mud a sales campaign
to push German goods.
- I haven't sold one
of these for 15 years.
- That, Mr. Humphries is a
dress stick for evening wear.
It's the sort of thing
one carries to the opera.
- Yes, I suppose it would be quite handy
to fight your way to the bar at the end...
Count Poppycock, be getting
your hands off my schnitzel.
- Put that away, Mr. Humphries.
It's for display purposes only.
- Hey, listen to this.
You'll never guess what the
German for cuff links is.
- Manschettenknopfe.
- I don't expect they'll sell many
with a name like that.
- Here you are, then.
Twelve pairs of liver swimming trunks.
- Lederhosen.
- Oh, have you been to
Germany, Mr. Humphries?
- Yes, I was there a few
summers ago, camping.
- It's very hard wearing these, you know,
but you must never have them dry cleaned.
My friend used to just
rub his over with runic.
- This is a funny name for a sweater.
Mit der hand, guwaschen.
- That means wash by hand.
- It's a good job you parlay
the Deutsch, Captain P.
- I had to study during the war, you know.
- Ausfahrt.
- Ausfahrt.
What's that mean, then?
- The way out, Mr. Mash.
I suggest you take that one,
as we open in a few moments.
- He ought not to be in the common market.
I don't trust that Eisenhower.
- Bloody, he went years ago.
- I'm not surprised.
Very shifty looking fellow.
- Say, look at this.
Sex underhosen, oh!
I wonder what's in it.
- Don't get carried away, Mrs. Slocombe.
Unterhosen literally translated
means, under trousers.
Do you mean knickers?
- I'm not selling German sex knickers.
- Sex, Mrs. Slocombe is the word they use
in Germany for six.
- Same as they use everywhere else.
- Hurry up, Mr. Mash.
- Alright, I'm goin'.
Don't worry.
Here you are, Mrs. Slocombe.
12 bras.
- Oh, I wonder what
the German is for that.
Bustenhalter.
Bustenhalter!
Doesn't it sound crude?
- Yes, come on, let's
see what they look like.
Bustenhalter.
You could carry a lot of coal in these.
- Says here, clean.
- Klein, Miss Brahms, that means small.
- Their well-built, those
German girls, aren't they?
- Oh, just imagine, seven whole days
of trying to knock this lot out.
- It'll be a disaster.
Like that Russian cosmetic week.
- It would've gone very well
if you hadn't mixed up the hair lacquer
with the underarm deodorant.
- That was very embarrassing, that was.
My wife got out of the bath,
gave a couple of squirts under the arm,
went to pull the blind down,
and was stuck in front of
the window for the afternoon.
- Well couldn't you have
pulled the blind down?
- No, I was too busy
outside settin' up pictures
and takin' the money.
- Mr. Mash, ausfahrt.
- Schweinhund.
- Ah, places everyone.
- Stand by for the mad rush.
- Guten morgen, mein herr.
Welcomen to den Grace Brothers.
- Look at him, that's
in his German phrases.
- He'll be clickin' his heels in a minute.
- Good morning, sir.
- Gut morgen...
- Ah, guten morgen, mein herr.
Welcomen to den Grace Brothers.
- I'm afraid you got a
little beyond me there.
We've only just started our German week.
What were you looking for?
- I am for a coat looking.
I vish a varm coat because it is cold.
- Very methodical, the Germans.
- A coat, yes, certainly sir.
- Herr Grainger, raute schnell.
- Just like called it.
- This gentleman wants a
coat to keep out the cold.
- Oh yes, the weather has
been rather chilly, hasn't it.
- Oh, absolutely bitter.
Now we have a grange here,
made in Bavarian wool.
- Not Bavarian.
Ve are here for ze buying
of ze Harris tveed.
- But they don't make
Harris tweed in Germany.
- I am knowing zis, zat is vy ve are here.
- But I'm afraid that this week
we are only selling German goods.
Are you not proud to be British?
- Oh yes, we are very proud to be British,
aren't we Mr. Humphries?
- Bursting with pride,
yes, aren't we Mr. Lucas?
- Oh, it's comin' out all over the place,
Mr. Humphries, yes.
- Of course ve are proud to be German.
- Well then why won't
you buy a German coat?
- My husband vill not vear a hat like zis.
- That is for the tourists.
- You are a tourist.
- They are for English tourists.
Are you so stupid to think
I would return to Germany
from a holiday in England,
vearing a stupid German hat?
- Thank you for your custom.
- German week got off to
a good start, didn't it?
- Well, we can hardly expect to sell
to the Germans themselves.
But I'm sure we should
have no difficulty at all
in attracting the British customers.
- You know, there's only two
things I like about Germany.
Kurt Jorgens and Gorgonzola.
- Gorgonzola isn't German.
- Oh, well there's only
one thing I like then.
No, no, I tell a lie.
I like Irving Berlin.
- Guten morgen, meinen
ganadius bustenhalter, no...
Good morning madam.
Are you being served?
- Just having a look.
- So's he.
- Well, we've imported
some very interesting
German merchandise.
Perhaps I can show you
to the ladies counter.
This one is it?
- I haven't worn one of those for years.
- I don't agree with them.
- I see, hmmm.
Well I take it you'll agree with these.
- I'll take care of this customer,
thank you, Captain Peacock.
Now madam, you're under
no obligation, of course.
But may I draw your attention
to these rather nice lining
Westphalian tights that have just come in.
We have them in two shades,
have we not, Miss Brahms?
- Yes.
Weib and schwarz, whatever that is.
- From the look of it, black and white.
And then we have these pig skin handbags
from the Black Forest,
not to mention a line in
Plastic Max from Hamburg.
- Yes, the Hamburg's are quite nice,
but not really what I'm looking for.
- The ladies.
- Turn left at the ausfahrt.
One would think that
considering we've been here
since the crack of dawn this morning,
the management would've
had more consideration
than keep us sitting on our
jaxes for the post mortem.
- Well, I can't wait more than 10 minutes
because I'm having a bath tonight.
- It's treats.
- Well I can't get the old
boiler working very often.
- Havin' a bath with
Mrs. Grainger, are you?
- I don't find that amusing.
- Come to think of it, neither would I.
- You know this sort of
thing just isn't fair
on my pussy.
She has a go at the furniture
if I'm not there prompt.
- Well my oven switches itself on at 7:00.
- I'm not, my slippers are in there.
You see, I put them in,
I usually give them five
minutes on regu-low two
and then it's just right
for my rice pudding.
- Well Shirley and I are
goin' to the pictures.
- I haven't said yes yet.
- I wasn't gonna ask you that question
until after we came out.
- I don't know why you bother
goin' out with him at all.
- Well it's either that
or takin' me mom's washing
to the laudrette.
- I'm not goin' there again.
I've seen more of your mother's underwear
than I have of yours.
- Good evening, everybody.
I say, it's very good of you all to stay.
- They don't mind a bit, sir.
- Oh, no, of course not.
They all have the good
of the firm at heart.
Well now, let's get down to it, shall we?
Haven't you got a chair, Peacock?
- Get a chair, Mr. Lucas.
- I've got one.
- Get me a chair, Mr. Lucas.
- I hope this isn't going
to take long, Mr. Rumbold,
because it's very unfair
on Mrs. Slocombe's pussy.
- I'll be as brief as I can.
- Thank you, Mr. Lucas.
- It's always a pleasure.
- Now, Mr. Rumbold has
asked us to stay behind
and report on the success of the first day
of our German week.
- Yes, well now.
How did you find it?
Mr. Grainger?
- A complete disaster.
I sold one pair of strumpfes.
- I see.
What exactly are strumpfes?
- It's the damn silly
name they use for socks.
- Well that's not very good.
- No, we'll have to pull our strumpfes up.
- No, everything's still
on their kleiderbugels.
- I'm not sure whether that's good or bad.
Well what are they?
- Coat hangers.
- Nice.
Encouraging to see you're
getting a grasp of the lingo.
- Yes, I even know the German for corsets.
- Korsets.
- Spelled with a k.
- We're coming along well.
- I thought we were here to push goods,
not pick up gerry words.
- What is the departmental total.
- I have the summary here, sir.
- Ah, 32 pounds.
- 32 pence.
- Those were my strumpfes.
- Is that all, good
heavens, that's a disaster!
- I told you it was.
- No, no, no, please
sit down, Mrs. Slocombe.
We have to work out where we went wrong.
- It's the fault of whose
ever stupid idea it was.
- It was Mr. Rumbold's idea.
- There's nothing wrong with the idea.
It could be the way
you're carrying it out.
I've already noted during this meeting
that the word gerry has been used.
Do I detect an anti
- Yes.
Some of us have long memories you know.
I haven't forgotten being
flung flat on me back
on clappem comin' by a land mine.
And the German Air Force was responsible.
- All the other times
she was flat on her back,
the American Air Force was responsible.
- That's it, I'm done.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocombe,
it was just a joke.
I was only joking.
- In very poor taste.
- That's the sort of thing
I have to put up with
all day long, you ought to tell him off.
- You're reprimanded, Mr.
Lucas, and that's official.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Rumbold,
I didn't realize it was gonna be taken
quite as seriously as that.
- Now then, oh where are
we in our conference?
- Mrs. Slocombe was remembering
being flat on her back on clappum.
- Can we knock it off, please.
- She even remembers what she said!
- If I could just bring
us back to the point.
- Oh please do.
- Now, I feel there's a
certain amount of resistance
on the part of our
customers to German goods.
- I'm hit up with the
way the papers keep on
about how hard the German's work
and how well they're doing.
They're too damned cocky in my opinion.
- Is there anything
wrong with our display?
- Well I think we've gone far too far.
I mean those signs, for instance.
When a customer sees exit and entrance,
he knows where he is.
What goes through his mind when he sees
einfahrt and ausfahrt.
- We are trying.
We are trying to create an atmosphere.
- One dear old lady customer of mine
got a terrible shock.
She was caught short and
walked straight through
the door marked herren.
- You should've directed her
to the door marked damen.
- I didn't have time.
She saw the word "her" and was off.
- And I'm here to tell you
that she won't make
the same mistake again.
- Well there's certainly
nothing wrong with the goods,
they're all first class,
hand picked by myself.
- With respect, Mr. Rumbold,
and I think I'm unanimous in this,
you've laid your hands on some
very coarse bustenhalters.
- Perhaps we need to make
the German brand image
a happier, jollier affair,
to counteract memories of the past.
- Well perhaps a little music,
and a wine bar with German serving wenches
in traditional costume.
- Trust him to come up with that one.
- I like what I'm hearing, I
think we're on the right track.
- Yes, we could turn the whole department
into white hosen and have Captain Peacock
dressed up as a studem prince.
- Yes, I like what I'm
hearing, I think that'd be fun.
- Yes indeed!
- I think Mr. Rumbold ought
to dress up as something.
- Right, with his nuts in his neck.
- You know, I'm sure we're
absolutely on the right track.
I shall put all these ideas that I've had
in front of young Mr. Grace,
and see what he thinks.
Mr. Grace, Rumbold here.
- Rumbold, yes.
We used to have a Rumbold in
charge of the third floor.
- I am Rumbold in charge
of the third floor.
- Oh good, I'm glad you're back with us.
- It's about the German week, sir.
- Well the figures are a
little better today, sir.
64 pence.
- Ah, another pair of stumpfes.
- Yes, well of course I realize
there is room for improvement,
and I have put into
force the proposals I put
to the board meeting yesterday.
- To make the German brand image
a happier, jollier affair.
To that end I've arranged for my staff
to stay behind and to demonstrate
the sort of thing I suggested.
- Well perhaps you could
come down and have a look.
- Well, I hope you won't take long.
I always go to the club
on Tuesday evening.
- Oh, oh yes, the bridge club.
- No, no, no, the strip club.
- Ah yes, of course.
By the way, I've arranged for my secretary
to hand out the drinks at the wine bar.
- Oh, that's the one
with the nice legs, yeah.
I'll come down as soon as I can.
- I thought you would.
- I brought you a glass of the
German wine to try, Mr. Rumbold.
- Mmm, excellent.
How do you find the costume, comfortable?
- I think the blouse
should be a bit lower.
- I doubt it, don't,
don't lean over too much.
- I'm sure the bodice could
be a bit tighter you know.
Do you think you could put your finger
on the knot for me, please?
If you could just put it
about there, that's it.
Could you push harder,
otherwise it'll all fall apart.
- Enter!
I seem to be caught.
- I'll come back later.
I mean, Miss Thorpe wasn't tight enough
and I was just helping her.
- So, I see.
- Sorry, I'll have to do it again, sir.
- I'll come back later.
- I'll have one more go.
Ah!
- oh!
- We've done it.
- Well I know it's after hours, sir,
but if you've quite finished,
I'd like to have a word with you.
- Yes, yes, go and attend to your stand.
- Yes sir.
Peacock!
- Yes sir, during our
discussion you did tell me
that my costume would give me
the appropriate air of authority.
Well, I'm getting a lot of air,
but very little authority.
- Well, you have my permission to wear
a bigger brush in your hat.
- Thank you, Mr. Rumbold.
- Now, young Mr. Grace
will be coming down soon
to give us the go ahead on the project.
- Hmmm, well the sooner the better.
Mrs. Slocombe has spent
the last 35 minutes
in her fitting room,
sampling the German wine.
- You'd better get back there.
- Yes sir.
- My trousers, they're not run in yet.
- Yodel odel odel odel odel odel odel!
- Lay di tee!
- I can't think why, but
my eyes are watering.
Come on, come on Rumpelstiltskin,
there's nobody here.
- You know, I haven't worn knickerbockers
since I was 11.
- You've forgotten to put your shoes on.
- My feet have been giving me hell
after all that dancing.
- Well I'm puttin' me foot
down, the dance is out.
I can't see that bein' dressed like this
is gonna attract customers.
- Oh, it will, mind you,
they'll be the wrong sort.
- On the other hand.
That might attract some customers.
- Here, listen, I don't
know how to wear me braces.
Should they be like that, or like that?
- You've got a problem there.
- Well your lot supposed
to be men, you should know.
- We haven't got the same problem.
- Why don't you leave
them off all together?
- If I did that, me
trousers would fall down.
- That could be the
gimmick we're looking for.
- You dolt, I feel a right fairy.
- La la la la la, rum, bum, bum.
Do you know, I think this hat's too tight.
It's making me feel quite giddy.
Oh, if you could only see yourselves,
you look absolutely riliculous.
Ooh, I think this wine is very inoctuous.
- You wanna watch it, it creeps up on you.
- I think it's overtaken her.
- Miss Brahms, come here.
Come here.
You want to wear your braces like I do.
It's more feminine.
Here, you haven't been
at the wine, have you?
'Cause you're swavin' about a lot.
You need to control yourself.
- Well, in for a fenic, in for a pound,
we might as well all have one.
Here.
♫ Drink, drink, drink
to ives, and a break!
- There goes the profit on the strumpfes.
- Mr. Rumbold wants to have a look at you.
- Oh, magnificent!
You all look quite authentic,
especially the ladies.
- Twiddle his nob,
somebody, it's out of focus.
- I see what you mean,
I think I'd better go and wait at the lift
for young Mr. Grace.
- Yes, places everyone.
- Well of course I'm free, we're shut.
- Well, I wish to tell you,
on behalf of my colleagues and myself,
that we will not do this dance.
- Yes, well in view of
Mrs. Slocombe's condition,
I'm inclined to agree with you.
- I knew it was a waste
of time rehearsin' it.
- The dance, they don't want to do it.
- Stop her, somebody, she'll
do herself a mischief.
- Once that lot starts
wobblin', you'll never stop it.
- He's coming!
Places, everybody.
- Places, places.
- He's here.
- Good evening, everybody!
Guten tag, Herr Grace!
- Rumbold.
Rumbold!
Who are all these damned
Germans in the lift?
- Excuse me a moment.
- Peacock, I want a word with you.
- Who are all these damned
Germans in the lift?
- The German band that you ordered
to play for the German dance.
- Yes, of course.
It's a German band, sir,
you agreed to it while
you were having your nap
at the meeting.
- Oh yes, yes.
- We thought we'd start
by offering our customers
a glass of wine.
Would you like to try, sir?
- Oh, how very kind, yes.
- Nice to see you, Mr. Grace.
- Good evening, sonny.
Do you speak English, my dear?
- I work under Mr. Rumbold.
- Ah, you're doing very well, I'm sure.
- I hope he likes it all.
- I think I should tell you now sir,
that we're not doing the dance.
- But you've got to do the dance.
- The answer is no.
- But I've paid for the band,
it's more than my job's worth.
- I'm sorry, sir.
- If I topple, Peacock,
I'll drag you down with me.
And you'll get nowhere
without a reference!
- The men are behind me, sir.
- True.
- Let me put it like this.
If you don't do the dance,
I shall stop the money for
the band out of your wages.
- We'll do the dance.
- Not yet, Mrs. Slocombe, not yet.
- Alright, only just remember,
I've done half of it already.
- Well sir, this is the general atmosphere
that the customers will encounter,
and then from time to
time to attract attention,
we shall break into a good
natured German folk dance.
But I don't suppose you want
to bother with that now.
- Well, I might as well
have my money's worth.
- Yes, well after all, it is your money.
Places, everybody.
- Yes, pay attention.
German band, ready?
- Ready when you are, mate.
- Ready, and...
- Wait a minute, wait a minute,
you don't do it like that!
You're supposed to be gentle.
- I was gentle, I just went like that.
- You did not, you went like that.
- I did not go like that.
- Well next time, I shall go like that!
- In that case, I should go like that!
- Ooh, two can play at that game!
- This has been a great eye opener to me.
- Has it, well sir,
apart from that last unfortunate incident,
what did you think of it?
- Well, I'd like to thank you all for
making up my mind for me and,
Grace Brothers is coming
out of the common market.
- Ah, bloody, just like we'd
enjoy ourselves as well.
All together and...
♫ Ground floor: perfumery,
stationary, and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haverdashery
♫ Kitchenware and food
♫ Going up
♫ First floor: telephones,
gents ready made suits
♫ Shirts, sockss, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes
♫ Going up
♫ Second floor: carpets,
travel goods, and bedding
♫ Materials, soft furnishings,
restaurants, and ties
♫ Going down
stationary, and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food
♫ Going up
♫ First floor: telephones,
gents ready made suits
♫ Shirts, sockss, ties,
hats, underwear and shoes
♫ Going up
♫ Second floor: carpets,
travel goods and bedding
♫ Materials, soft furnishings,
restaurants, and ties
- Guten morgen, mein herren.
Here you are, then.
Have a load of kraut chiffers.
- That's one hundred hats
with shaving brushes on the side.
We won't sell them you
know, Captain Peacock.
- It's not for us to
reason why, Mr. Humphries.
Young Mr. Grace in his wisdom has seen fit
to mud a sales campaign
to push German goods.
- I haven't sold one
of these for 15 years.
- That, Mr. Humphries is a
dress stick for evening wear.
It's the sort of thing
one carries to the opera.
- Yes, I suppose it would be quite handy
to fight your way to the bar at the end...
Count Poppycock, be getting
your hands off my schnitzel.
- Put that away, Mr. Humphries.
It's for display purposes only.
- Hey, listen to this.
You'll never guess what the
German for cuff links is.
- Manschettenknopfe.
- I don't expect they'll sell many
with a name like that.
- Here you are, then.
Twelve pairs of liver swimming trunks.
- Lederhosen.
- Oh, have you been to
Germany, Mr. Humphries?
- Yes, I was there a few
summers ago, camping.
- It's very hard wearing these, you know,
but you must never have them dry cleaned.
My friend used to just
rub his over with runic.
- This is a funny name for a sweater.
Mit der hand, guwaschen.
- That means wash by hand.
- It's a good job you parlay
the Deutsch, Captain P.
- I had to study during the war, you know.
- Ausfahrt.
- Ausfahrt.
What's that mean, then?
- The way out, Mr. Mash.
I suggest you take that one,
as we open in a few moments.
- He ought not to be in the common market.
I don't trust that Eisenhower.
- Bloody, he went years ago.
- I'm not surprised.
Very shifty looking fellow.
- Say, look at this.
Sex underhosen, oh!
I wonder what's in it.
- Don't get carried away, Mrs. Slocombe.
Unterhosen literally translated
means, under trousers.
Do you mean knickers?
- I'm not selling German sex knickers.
- Sex, Mrs. Slocombe is the word they use
in Germany for six.
- Same as they use everywhere else.
- Hurry up, Mr. Mash.
- Alright, I'm goin'.
Don't worry.
Here you are, Mrs. Slocombe.
12 bras.
- Oh, I wonder what
the German is for that.
Bustenhalter.
Bustenhalter!
Doesn't it sound crude?
- Yes, come on, let's
see what they look like.
Bustenhalter.
You could carry a lot of coal in these.
- Says here, clean.
- Klein, Miss Brahms, that means small.
- Their well-built, those
German girls, aren't they?
- Oh, just imagine, seven whole days
of trying to knock this lot out.
- It'll be a disaster.
Like that Russian cosmetic week.
- It would've gone very well
if you hadn't mixed up the hair lacquer
with the underarm deodorant.
- That was very embarrassing, that was.
My wife got out of the bath,
gave a couple of squirts under the arm,
went to pull the blind down,
and was stuck in front of
the window for the afternoon.
- Well couldn't you have
pulled the blind down?
- No, I was too busy
outside settin' up pictures
and takin' the money.
- Mr. Mash, ausfahrt.
- Schweinhund.
- Ah, places everyone.
- Stand by for the mad rush.
- Guten morgen, mein herr.
Welcomen to den Grace Brothers.
- Look at him, that's
in his German phrases.
- He'll be clickin' his heels in a minute.
- Good morning, sir.
- Gut morgen...
- Ah, guten morgen, mein herr.
Welcomen to den Grace Brothers.
- I'm afraid you got a
little beyond me there.
We've only just started our German week.
What were you looking for?
- I am for a coat looking.
I vish a varm coat because it is cold.
- Very methodical, the Germans.
- A coat, yes, certainly sir.
- Herr Grainger, raute schnell.
- Just like called it.
- This gentleman wants a
coat to keep out the cold.
- Oh yes, the weather has
been rather chilly, hasn't it.
- Oh, absolutely bitter.
Now we have a grange here,
made in Bavarian wool.
- Not Bavarian.
Ve are here for ze buying
of ze Harris tveed.
- But they don't make
Harris tweed in Germany.
- I am knowing zis, zat is vy ve are here.
- But I'm afraid that this week
we are only selling German goods.
Are you not proud to be British?
- Oh yes, we are very proud to be British,
aren't we Mr. Humphries?
- Bursting with pride,
yes, aren't we Mr. Lucas?
- Oh, it's comin' out all over the place,
Mr. Humphries, yes.
- Of course ve are proud to be German.
- Well then why won't
you buy a German coat?
- My husband vill not vear a hat like zis.
- That is for the tourists.
- You are a tourist.
- They are for English tourists.
Are you so stupid to think
I would return to Germany
from a holiday in England,
vearing a stupid German hat?
- Thank you for your custom.
- German week got off to
a good start, didn't it?
- Well, we can hardly expect to sell
to the Germans themselves.
But I'm sure we should
have no difficulty at all
in attracting the British customers.
- You know, there's only two
things I like about Germany.
Kurt Jorgens and Gorgonzola.
- Gorgonzola isn't German.
- Oh, well there's only
one thing I like then.
No, no, I tell a lie.
I like Irving Berlin.
- Guten morgen, meinen
ganadius bustenhalter, no...
Good morning madam.
Are you being served?
- Just having a look.
- So's he.
- Well, we've imported
some very interesting
German merchandise.
Perhaps I can show you
to the ladies counter.
This one is it?
- I haven't worn one of those for years.
- I don't agree with them.
- I see, hmmm.
Well I take it you'll agree with these.
- I'll take care of this customer,
thank you, Captain Peacock.
Now madam, you're under
no obligation, of course.
But may I draw your attention
to these rather nice lining
Westphalian tights that have just come in.
We have them in two shades,
have we not, Miss Brahms?
- Yes.
Weib and schwarz, whatever that is.
- From the look of it, black and white.
And then we have these pig skin handbags
from the Black Forest,
not to mention a line in
Plastic Max from Hamburg.
- Yes, the Hamburg's are quite nice,
but not really what I'm looking for.
- The ladies.
- Turn left at the ausfahrt.
One would think that
considering we've been here
since the crack of dawn this morning,
the management would've
had more consideration
than keep us sitting on our
jaxes for the post mortem.
- Well, I can't wait more than 10 minutes
because I'm having a bath tonight.
- It's treats.
- Well I can't get the old
boiler working very often.
- Havin' a bath with
Mrs. Grainger, are you?
- I don't find that amusing.
- Come to think of it, neither would I.
- You know this sort of
thing just isn't fair
on my pussy.
She has a go at the furniture
if I'm not there prompt.
- Well my oven switches itself on at 7:00.
- I'm not, my slippers are in there.
You see, I put them in,
I usually give them five
minutes on regu-low two
and then it's just right
for my rice pudding.
- Well Shirley and I are
goin' to the pictures.
- I haven't said yes yet.
- I wasn't gonna ask you that question
until after we came out.
- I don't know why you bother
goin' out with him at all.
- Well it's either that
or takin' me mom's washing
to the laudrette.
- I'm not goin' there again.
I've seen more of your mother's underwear
than I have of yours.
- Good evening, everybody.
I say, it's very good of you all to stay.
- They don't mind a bit, sir.
- Oh, no, of course not.
They all have the good
of the firm at heart.
Well now, let's get down to it, shall we?
Haven't you got a chair, Peacock?
- Get a chair, Mr. Lucas.
- I've got one.
- Get me a chair, Mr. Lucas.
- I hope this isn't going
to take long, Mr. Rumbold,
because it's very unfair
on Mrs. Slocombe's pussy.
- I'll be as brief as I can.
- Thank you, Mr. Lucas.
- It's always a pleasure.
- Now, Mr. Rumbold has
asked us to stay behind
and report on the success of the first day
of our German week.
- Yes, well now.
How did you find it?
Mr. Grainger?
- A complete disaster.
I sold one pair of strumpfes.
- I see.
What exactly are strumpfes?
- It's the damn silly
name they use for socks.
- Well that's not very good.
- No, we'll have to pull our strumpfes up.
- No, everything's still
on their kleiderbugels.
- I'm not sure whether that's good or bad.
Well what are they?
- Coat hangers.
- Nice.
Encouraging to see you're
getting a grasp of the lingo.
- Yes, I even know the German for corsets.
- Korsets.
- Spelled with a k.
- We're coming along well.
- I thought we were here to push goods,
not pick up gerry words.
- What is the departmental total.
- I have the summary here, sir.
- Ah, 32 pounds.
- 32 pence.
- Those were my strumpfes.
- Is that all, good
heavens, that's a disaster!
- I told you it was.
- No, no, no, please
sit down, Mrs. Slocombe.
We have to work out where we went wrong.
- It's the fault of whose
ever stupid idea it was.
- It was Mr. Rumbold's idea.
- There's nothing wrong with the idea.
It could be the way
you're carrying it out.
I've already noted during this meeting
that the word gerry has been used.
Do I detect an anti
- Yes.
Some of us have long memories you know.
I haven't forgotten being
flung flat on me back
on clappem comin' by a land mine.
And the German Air Force was responsible.
- All the other times
she was flat on her back,
the American Air Force was responsible.
- That's it, I'm done.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocombe,
it was just a joke.
I was only joking.
- In very poor taste.
- That's the sort of thing
I have to put up with
all day long, you ought to tell him off.
- You're reprimanded, Mr.
Lucas, and that's official.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Rumbold,
I didn't realize it was gonna be taken
quite as seriously as that.
- Now then, oh where are
we in our conference?
- Mrs. Slocombe was remembering
being flat on her back on clappum.
- Can we knock it off, please.
- She even remembers what she said!
- If I could just bring
us back to the point.
- Oh please do.
- Now, I feel there's a
certain amount of resistance
on the part of our
customers to German goods.
- I'm hit up with the
way the papers keep on
about how hard the German's work
and how well they're doing.
They're too damned cocky in my opinion.
- Is there anything
wrong with our display?
- Well I think we've gone far too far.
I mean those signs, for instance.
When a customer sees exit and entrance,
he knows where he is.
What goes through his mind when he sees
einfahrt and ausfahrt.
- We are trying.
We are trying to create an atmosphere.
- One dear old lady customer of mine
got a terrible shock.
She was caught short and
walked straight through
the door marked herren.
- You should've directed her
to the door marked damen.
- I didn't have time.
She saw the word "her" and was off.
- And I'm here to tell you
that she won't make
the same mistake again.
- Well there's certainly
nothing wrong with the goods,
they're all first class,
hand picked by myself.
- With respect, Mr. Rumbold,
and I think I'm unanimous in this,
you've laid your hands on some
very coarse bustenhalters.
- Perhaps we need to make
the German brand image
a happier, jollier affair,
to counteract memories of the past.
- Well perhaps a little music,
and a wine bar with German serving wenches
in traditional costume.
- Trust him to come up with that one.
- I like what I'm hearing, I
think we're on the right track.
- Yes, we could turn the whole department
into white hosen and have Captain Peacock
dressed up as a studem prince.
- Yes, I like what I'm
hearing, I think that'd be fun.
- Yes indeed!
- I think Mr. Rumbold ought
to dress up as something.
- Right, with his nuts in his neck.
- You know, I'm sure we're
absolutely on the right track.
I shall put all these ideas that I've had
in front of young Mr. Grace,
and see what he thinks.
Mr. Grace, Rumbold here.
- Rumbold, yes.
We used to have a Rumbold in
charge of the third floor.
- I am Rumbold in charge
of the third floor.
- Oh good, I'm glad you're back with us.
- It's about the German week, sir.
- Well the figures are a
little better today, sir.
64 pence.
- Ah, another pair of stumpfes.
- Yes, well of course I realize
there is room for improvement,
and I have put into
force the proposals I put
to the board meeting yesterday.
- To make the German brand image
a happier, jollier affair.
To that end I've arranged for my staff
to stay behind and to demonstrate
the sort of thing I suggested.
- Well perhaps you could
come down and have a look.
- Well, I hope you won't take long.
I always go to the club
on Tuesday evening.
- Oh, oh yes, the bridge club.
- No, no, no, the strip club.
- Ah yes, of course.
By the way, I've arranged for my secretary
to hand out the drinks at the wine bar.
- Oh, that's the one
with the nice legs, yeah.
I'll come down as soon as I can.
- I thought you would.
- I brought you a glass of the
German wine to try, Mr. Rumbold.
- Mmm, excellent.
How do you find the costume, comfortable?
- I think the blouse
should be a bit lower.
- I doubt it, don't,
don't lean over too much.
- I'm sure the bodice could
be a bit tighter you know.
Do you think you could put your finger
on the knot for me, please?
If you could just put it
about there, that's it.
Could you push harder,
otherwise it'll all fall apart.
- Enter!
I seem to be caught.
- I'll come back later.
I mean, Miss Thorpe wasn't tight enough
and I was just helping her.
- So, I see.
- Sorry, I'll have to do it again, sir.
- I'll come back later.
- I'll have one more go.
Ah!
- oh!
- We've done it.
- Well I know it's after hours, sir,
but if you've quite finished,
I'd like to have a word with you.
- Yes, yes, go and attend to your stand.
- Yes sir.
Peacock!
- Yes sir, during our
discussion you did tell me
that my costume would give me
the appropriate air of authority.
Well, I'm getting a lot of air,
but very little authority.
- Well, you have my permission to wear
a bigger brush in your hat.
- Thank you, Mr. Rumbold.
- Now, young Mr. Grace
will be coming down soon
to give us the go ahead on the project.
- Hmmm, well the sooner the better.
Mrs. Slocombe has spent
the last 35 minutes
in her fitting room,
sampling the German wine.
- You'd better get back there.
- Yes sir.
- My trousers, they're not run in yet.
- Yodel odel odel odel odel odel odel!
- Lay di tee!
- I can't think why, but
my eyes are watering.
Come on, come on Rumpelstiltskin,
there's nobody here.
- You know, I haven't worn knickerbockers
since I was 11.
- You've forgotten to put your shoes on.
- My feet have been giving me hell
after all that dancing.
- Well I'm puttin' me foot
down, the dance is out.
I can't see that bein' dressed like this
is gonna attract customers.
- Oh, it will, mind you,
they'll be the wrong sort.
- On the other hand.
That might attract some customers.
- Here, listen, I don't
know how to wear me braces.
Should they be like that, or like that?
- You've got a problem there.
- Well your lot supposed
to be men, you should know.
- We haven't got the same problem.
- Why don't you leave
them off all together?
- If I did that, me
trousers would fall down.
- That could be the
gimmick we're looking for.
- You dolt, I feel a right fairy.
- La la la la la, rum, bum, bum.
Do you know, I think this hat's too tight.
It's making me feel quite giddy.
Oh, if you could only see yourselves,
you look absolutely riliculous.
Ooh, I think this wine is very inoctuous.
- You wanna watch it, it creeps up on you.
- I think it's overtaken her.
- Miss Brahms, come here.
Come here.
You want to wear your braces like I do.
It's more feminine.
Here, you haven't been
at the wine, have you?
'Cause you're swavin' about a lot.
You need to control yourself.
- Well, in for a fenic, in for a pound,
we might as well all have one.
Here.
♫ Drink, drink, drink
to ives, and a break!
- There goes the profit on the strumpfes.
- Mr. Rumbold wants to have a look at you.
- Oh, magnificent!
You all look quite authentic,
especially the ladies.
- Twiddle his nob,
somebody, it's out of focus.
- I see what you mean,
I think I'd better go and wait at the lift
for young Mr. Grace.
- Yes, places everyone.
- Well of course I'm free, we're shut.
- Well, I wish to tell you,
on behalf of my colleagues and myself,
that we will not do this dance.
- Yes, well in view of
Mrs. Slocombe's condition,
I'm inclined to agree with you.
- I knew it was a waste
of time rehearsin' it.
- The dance, they don't want to do it.
- Stop her, somebody, she'll
do herself a mischief.
- Once that lot starts
wobblin', you'll never stop it.
- He's coming!
Places, everybody.
- Places, places.
- He's here.
- Good evening, everybody!
Guten tag, Herr Grace!
- Rumbold.
Rumbold!
Who are all these damned
Germans in the lift?
- Excuse me a moment.
- Peacock, I want a word with you.
- Who are all these damned
Germans in the lift?
- The German band that you ordered
to play for the German dance.
- Yes, of course.
It's a German band, sir,
you agreed to it while
you were having your nap
at the meeting.
- Oh yes, yes.
- We thought we'd start
by offering our customers
a glass of wine.
Would you like to try, sir?
- Oh, how very kind, yes.
- Nice to see you, Mr. Grace.
- Good evening, sonny.
Do you speak English, my dear?
- I work under Mr. Rumbold.
- Ah, you're doing very well, I'm sure.
- I hope he likes it all.
- I think I should tell you now sir,
that we're not doing the dance.
- But you've got to do the dance.
- The answer is no.
- But I've paid for the band,
it's more than my job's worth.
- I'm sorry, sir.
- If I topple, Peacock,
I'll drag you down with me.
And you'll get nowhere
without a reference!
- The men are behind me, sir.
- True.
- Let me put it like this.
If you don't do the dance,
I shall stop the money for
the band out of your wages.
- We'll do the dance.
- Not yet, Mrs. Slocombe, not yet.
- Alright, only just remember,
I've done half of it already.
- Well sir, this is the general atmosphere
that the customers will encounter,
and then from time to
time to attract attention,
we shall break into a good
natured German folk dance.
But I don't suppose you want
to bother with that now.
- Well, I might as well
have my money's worth.
- Yes, well after all, it is your money.
Places, everybody.
- Yes, pay attention.
German band, ready?
- Ready when you are, mate.
- Ready, and...
- Wait a minute, wait a minute,
you don't do it like that!
You're supposed to be gentle.
- I was gentle, I just went like that.
- You did not, you went like that.
- I did not go like that.
- Well next time, I shall go like that!
- In that case, I should go like that!
- Ooh, two can play at that game!
- This has been a great eye opener to me.
- Has it, well sir,
apart from that last unfortunate incident,
what did you think of it?
- Well, I'd like to thank you all for
making up my mind for me and,
Grace Brothers is coming
out of the common market.
- Ah, bloody, just like we'd
enjoy ourselves as well.
All together and...
♫ Ground floor: perfumery,
stationary, and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haverdashery
♫ Kitchenware and food
♫ Going up
♫ First floor: telephones,
gents ready made suits
♫ Shirts, sockss, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes
♫ Going up
♫ Second floor: carpets,
travel goods, and bedding
♫ Materials, soft furnishings,
restaurants, and ties
♫ Going down