Archie's Weird Mysteries (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 30 - The Christmas Phantom - full transcript

Announcer:
THE CHRISTMAS PHANTOM.

WHO IS THE MYSTERIOUS
FIGURE IN RED

THAT IS STALKING ARCHIE?

CAN ARCHIE FIND OUT

BEFORE CHRISTMAS
IN RIVERDALE IS RUINED?

OR WILL ARCHIE AND RIVERDALE
FALL VICTIM

TO THE HORROR OF
THE CHRISTMAS PHANTOM?

♪ WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

♪ ARCHIE'S

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪



♪ ARCHIE'S

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ WHO IS GONNA
CRACK THE CASE? ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ THAT REDHEAD
WITH THE FRECKLED FACE ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ THINGS ARE GETTIN' WEIRD
IN RIVERDALE ♪

♪ HEY, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

♪ ARCHIE'S

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S



♪ MYSTERIES

♪ ARCHIE, REGGIE

♪ VERONICA, BETTY

♪ JUGHEAD, TOO

♪ WEIRD

♪ ARCHIE'S WEIRD MYSTERIES

COME, COME, MR. BAILEY,

THERE'S NOTHING DOWN HERE
TO BE FRIGHTENED OF--

UNLESS YOU COUNT
THE CHRISTMAS PHANTOM,
THAT IS.

HMM.

BUT OF COURSE
EVERYONE KNOWS
THE CHRISTMAS PHANTOM

IS NO MORE REAL
THAN SANTA CLAUS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
MR. LODGE?

WHAT CHRISTMAS PHANTOM?

YOU HAVEN'T HEARD
THE STORY?

30 YEARS AGO
ON CHRISTMAS EVE,

THE LODGE DEPARTMENT STORE
BURNED TO THE GROUND,

LEAVING ONLY
THIS VERY BASEMENT INTACT.

SOME SAY IT'S HAUNTED,
YET THE MYSTERY IS

THE STORE'S SANTA CLAUS
VANISHED THAT VERY SAME NIGHT.

KRIS NICHOLAS
WAS HIS NAME.

RUMOR HAS IT HE'S
THE CHRISTMAS PHANTOM.

I ASK YOU, MR. BAILEY,
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD

SUCH SUPERSTITIOUS
NONSENSE BEFORE
IN YOUR LIFE?

HA HA HA HA!

[GASPS]
UH, NO, SIR.

NOW LET'S FIND
THAT SANTA CLAUS SUIT.

[GULP]

AAAH!

SURPRISE!

THE COSTUME'S IN HERE.

COME ON,
THE KIDS ARE WAITING.

[MENACING]
HO...HO...HO.

[SIGHS]

OW! HUH?

HEY! WHO DID THAT?

HUH?

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

HUH?

AAAAAAH!

[MENACING]
HO HO HO.

YIIII!

Archie: HAVE A SAFE TRIP
BACK HOME FOR CHRISTMAS,
MISS GRUNDY.

NOW DON'T OPEN MY GIFT
UNTIL CHRISTMAS MORNING,
MR. WEATHERBEE.

HOW MUCH LONGER IS IT
GOING TO TAKE ARCHIE
TO FINISH UP?

THIS IS TAKING
FOREVER.

[DOOR OPENS]

BOY, I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

WHAT, NO SNOW YET?

OH, WELL,
MAYBE LATER.

IT ALWAYS SNOWS
IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS
IN RIVERDALE.

WE'VE BEEN WAITING
45 MINUTES FOR YOU, ARCHIE.

I JUST HAD TO MAKE SURE
EVERYBODY AT RIVERDALE HIGH
GOT THEIR GIFTS.

AND YOU MEAN EVERYBODY.

WHAT CAN I SAY?
I LIKE CHRISTMAS.

BIG DEAL.
WE ALL LIKE CHRISTMAS,

ESPECIALLY
ALL THE PRESENTS
WE'LL BE GETTING.

AND ALL THAT DELICIOUS
CHRISTMAS FOOD.
[SMACKS LIPS]

AND ALL THE
BABY-SITTING MONEY
I'LL MAKE

WHEN ALL THOSE
MOMS AND DADS GO
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.

DON'T FORGET
ALL THOSE BARGAINS

IN THE AFTER-CHRISTMAS
SALES.

BUT WHAT ABOUT
SPENDING QUALITY TIME
WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY?

FACE IT, ARCH, EVERYONE KNOWS
THE BEST THING ABOUT
CHRISTMAS IS THE EATS.

WHAT ABOUT
THE SPIRIT OF GIVING?

Betty:
IT'S FUN TO GET, TOO.

ADMIT IT, ARCHIE,
THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING

YOU REALLY WANT
FOR CHRISTMAS.

COME ON, FESS UP.

WHAT DID YOU ASK SANTA
TO GET YOU THIS YEAR?

WELL...

I KNEW IT!

I REALLY WANTED TO
START OFF THE NEW YEAR

WITH A FANTASTIC
WEIRD MYSTERY
FOR MY COLUMN.

CHRISTMAS
IS ALMOST HERE,

AND SO FAR SANTA
HASN'T COME THROUGH
WITH ANYTHING.

THE POOR BOY HAS CHRISTMAS
AND WEIRD MYSTERIES
ON THE BRAIN.

OH, ARCHIEKINS,
ALL THIS TALK
OF GIVING

MUST MEAN YOU'RE
ABOUT TO BUY ME

A REALLY EXPENSIVE
GIFT FOR CHRISTMAS.

RIGHT?

UH, WELL, ACTUALLY,
I'M BROKE.

I SPENT ALL MY MONEY
ON GIFTS
FOR MR. WEATHERBEE

AND THE OTHERS
AT SCHOOL.

HUH?

ANDREWS,
YOU'RE HOPELESS.

YOU LAVISH GIFTS
ON THEM,

[SOBS] BUT YOU'RE
GOING TO NEGLECT ME?

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

[SNIFFLES]
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

[MUMBLING]OH, HI, DADDY.

VERONICA, MY SANTA CLAUS
JUST FLIPPED OUT
AND QUIT ON ME.

HE SAID THE CHRISTMAS TREE
ATTACKED HIM.

DO YOU KNOW
ANY SUCKERS--ER,
RESPONSIBLE TEENAGERS

THAT NEED TO MAKE
SOME CHUMP CHANGE
THIS CHRISTMAS?

OH, DO I.

BUT MAKE SURE YOU TELL HIM
ABOUT THE TREE THING FIRST.

IT'S FOR YOU,
ARCHIEKINS.

HELLO? REALLY?

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
THANKS, MR. LODGE!

LOOKS LIKE THERE'S
A SANTA CLAUS AFTER ALL.

MR. LODGE HAS A REALLY
WEIRD MYSTERY FOR ME.

OH, AND HE OFFERED ME
A JOB, TOO.

I START RIGHT NOW!

Mr. Lodge: ARCHIE,
CHRISTMAS IS OUR MOST
PROFITABLE TIME OF THE YEAR.

I CAN'T TAKE A CHANCE
ON HAVING THE CUSTOMERS
FRIGHTENED OFF.

I'M TRUSTING YOU
TO GET TO THE BOTTOM
OF THIS WEIRD MYSTERY.

YOU CAN
COUNT ON ME, SIR.

I'LL BE THE BEST
UNDERCOVER OPERATIVE
YOU'VE EVER HAD.

I'D RATHER YOU BE
THE BEST SANTA
I'VE EVER HAD.

'TIS THE SEASON
TO MAKE MONEY, YOU KNOW.

UH, RIGHT.

SO THIS IS THE
HOMICIDAL PINE TREE?

YES. THIS IS THE CONIFER
THAT SUPPOSEDLY ATTACKED
MR. BAILEY,

OR AT LEAST
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID
WHEN HE QUIT.

FUNNY HOW NO ONE
SAW IT HAPPEN EXCEPT HIM,

BUT YOU'RE USED TO THINGS
LIKE THAT, RIGHT, ANDREWS?

ABSOLUTELY.

WEIRD MYSTERIES
"R" US, SIR.

GOOD, BECAUSE
WHATEVER HAPPENS,

YOU HAVE TO STAY CALM
AND KEEP THE KIDS HAPPY.

SPEAKING OF WHICH...

YOU DON'T LOOK
TOO DANGEROUS TO ME.

NOW BEHAVE YOURSELF.
CHILDREN ARE COUNTING ON ME.

LET'S GIVE IT A TRY.

HO HO HO!

WHAT DO YOU WANT
FOR CHRISTMAS, LITTLE BOY?

THIS IS GOING TO BE
A LOT OF FUN.

HO HO HO! HO HO HO!

COME, CHILDREN.
SANTA IS WAITING.

HEY--WHAAAAAH!

[LAUGHING]

HEY!

[YAWNS]

THIS HAS BEEN
THE MOST PROFITABLE
SHOPPING DAY

IN THE LODGE DEPARTMENT
STORE'S HISTORY.

WELL, ARCHIE,
YOU DID MUCH BETTER
THAN I EXPECTED,

AND I SEE THE CHRISTMAS TREE
KEPT ITS BRANCHES TO ITSELF.

[CHUCKLES]

YEAH, I THINK
THAT BAILEY FELLOW
MADE IT ALL UP.

YOU KNOW, MR. LODGE,

I CAN'T BELIEVE
HOW GREEDY KIDS ARE
THESE DAYS.

CHRISTMAS
IS SUPPOSED TO BE
ABOUT GOOD CHEER.

[SIGHS]

WHAT AM I
GOING TO BE LIKE

AFTER A WHOLE
CHRISTMAS SEASON
OF THIS?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

LODGE DEPARTMENT STORE.
SANTA SPEAKING.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HO HO HO.

WHY, HELLO, SANTAKINS.

I HOPE YOU'RE BRINGING ME
PLENTY OF GIFTS THIS YEAR.

OH, HI, VERONICA.

HO HO HO.
HELLO THERE, LITTLE BOY.

YOU'RE STILL GOING TO
BE ABLE TO MAKE IT

TO THE CHRISTMAS EVE PARTY
TONIGHT, AREN'T YOU?

WE'RE GOING TO BE
CLOSING IN 5 MINUTES.

I'LL COME OVER AS SOON
AS I'M DONE HERE.

PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.
SANTA BRUISES EASILY.

Mr. Lodge on P.A.:
ATTENTION SHOPPERS.

THE LODGE DEPARTMENT STORE
IS NOW CLOSED FOR BUSINESS.

BE SURE TO DROP BY
FOR OUR SPECIAL
AFTER-CHRISTMAS SALE.

HAVE A WONDERFUL
CHRISTMAS TOMORROW,
LITTLE FELLOW.

[SINISTER] HO HO HO.

I MUST HAVE DOZED OFF.

WHOOPS. ALMOST
FORGOT THE PRESENTS
I GOT FOR EVERYONE.

GREAT. SOMEONE
TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS.

I CAN'T SEE A THING.

[RATTLE RATTLE]
UNH.

OH, NO.
THE DOORS ARE LOCKED.

HELP! I'M STILL INSIDE!
LET ME OUT!

WONDERFUL.

I'M STUCK HERE OVERNIGHT.

WAIT A MINUTE. THE STORE
IS CLOSED TOMORROW.

I'LL BE TRAPPED HERE
TILL AFTER CHRISTMAS!

[WRRRRR]

WHAT'S THAT?

NOW I'M HEARING THINGS.

IT CAN'T GET
ANY WORSE THAN THIS.

I HAVE ALL THE LUCK.

I'M GOING TO SPEND
ALL OF CHRISTMAS

INSIDE
THIS DEPARTMENT STORE.

WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT AM I THINKING?

I CAN JUST MAKE
A PHONE CALL FOR HELP.

[DIAL TONE HUMS,
GOES SILENT]

THE LINE IS DEAD.

EVERYBODY'S GOING
TO BE SO BUSY EATING
AND OPENING PRESENTS,

THEY WON'T EVEN NOTICE
I'M GONE.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
DOING IN HERE?

THEY'RE ABOUT TO
BOB FOR APPLES
ON THE VERANDA.

WE'RE WAITING FOR ARCHIE
TO SHOW UP.

OH, HE'S PROBABLY
RUNNING LATE.

COME ON, JUGHEAD.
THERE'S PLENTY OF FOOD
ON THE BUFFET TABLES.

NOPE. NOT YET.

I ALWAYS WAIT FOR ARCHIE
TO MAKE HIS CHRISTMAS TOAST.

THEN I EAT. IT'S A CHRISTMAS
TRADITION FOR ME.

WHAT ABOUT YOU,
VERONICA?

LOTS OF PRESENTS
UNDER THE TREE
WAITING FOR YOU.

OH, HALF THE FUN
IS ARCHIEKINS WATCHING ME
OPEN THE PRESENTS.

HE ENJOYS THAT SO MUCH.

[SIGH]
MAKE ROOM FOR ME.

YOU'RE RIGHT. CHRISTMAS
JUST ISN'T THE SAME
WITHOUT ARCHIE.

THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME WAY
TO GET OUT OF HERE.

HUH?!

HUH?!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
IS GOING ON HERE,

BUT I'M GOING TO FIND OUT.

OH WELL,
HERE GOES NOTHING.

WELCOME, ARCHIE ANDREWS.

WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.

PLEASE JOIN US.

I DON'T THINK SO.

ON SECOND THOUGHT,
DON'T MIND IF I DO.

THERE'S NO ANSWER
AT ARCHIE'S HOUSE.

I'M REALLY BEGINNING
TO GET WORRIED.

VERONICA, DEAR,

HOW DID YOU
CONVINCE ARCHIE

TO NOT SING ALL THOSE
CHRISTMAS CAROLS

OUT OF KEY THIS YEAR?

ACTUALLY, ARCHIE
HASN'T SHOWN UP YET.

TOO BAD.
I HATE TO ADMIT IT,

BUT I WAS ACTUALLY
BEGINNING TO ENJOY
THOSE LOUSY CAROLS.

I GUESS
THEY GROW ON YOU.

HE'S NOT AT HOME,
EITHER.

I COULD HAVE SWORN
EVERYONE WAS OUT OF THE
STORE WHEN I LOCKED UP.

DADDY, I'M REALLY WORRIED.

WE NEED TO GO LOOK
FOR ARCHIEKINS.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

I SUPPOSE ARCHIE
IS JUST LIKE

ALL THOSE CHRISTMAS
CAROLS HE SINGS:

REALLY ANNOYING,
BUT YOU MISS HIM
WHEN HE'S NOT AROUND.

COME ON, EVERYONE.
ARCHIE NEEDS US!

HUH?!

YAAAH!

HEH HEH HEH HEH.

OW. WHO ARE YOU?

YOU CAN CALL ME
THE CHRISTMAS PHANTOM.

ACCORDING TO LEGEND,
I WAS ONCE KNOWN
AS KRIS NICHOLAS,

THE LODGE DEPARTMENT STORE
SANTA CLAUS 30 YEARS AGO,

JUST LIKE YOU WERE
THIS YEAR'S SANTA.

IT WAS A GOOD LIFE
UNTIL TRAGEDY STRUCK,

FORCING ME TO WEAR THIS MASK
AND HIDE MYSELF
FROM MORTAL EYES.

SINCE THEN I HAVE WATCHED

AS CHRISTMAS CHANGED INTO
A HOLIDAY OF GREED
AND SELFISHNESS.

FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS
I'VE WATCHED AND MARVELED

AT YOUR PATIENCE
AND GENEROSITY AND WARMTH.

YOU ALONE STILL POSSESS
THE TRUE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS,

ARCHIE ANDREWS.

THANKS, BUT IT REALLY
ISN'T THAT BIG A DEAL.

AND MODEST, TOO.

THE ONLY ONE IN RIVERDALE.

RIVERDALE! BAH!

RIVERDALE DOESN'T DESERVE
CHRISTMAS!

THAT'S A LITTLE HARSH.

NO, IT ISN'T.

THAT'S WHY I'M GOING
TO TAKE CHRISTMAS AWAY

FROM RIVERDALE.

REEEEALLY?

AND HOW ARE YOU GOING
TO DO THAT?

WITH THIS BOOK OF SPELLS
THAT HELPED ME

BRING ALL THESE
INANIMATE OBJECTS TO LIFE.

I'LL HAVE THEM TAKE EVERY TRACE
OF CHRISTMAS FROM RIVERDALE.

NOT IF I CAN
FIND A SPELL TO STOP YOU!

UNH!

AND I THOUGHT
YOU OF ALL PEOPLE
WOULD UNDERSTAND,

ARCHIE ANDREWS.

BRING HIM TO ME!

HUH?!

OUT OF MY WAY,
YOU BIG SAP!

ALL I HAVE TO DO
IS FIND A SPELL

TO CHANGE THAT CHRISTMAS
TREE AND THOSE TOY ROBOTS
BACK TO NORMAL.

SAPLING!

I SAID YOU WERE BIG
FOR A SAPLING. REALLY!

ARCHIE!
ARCHIE!

ARCHIE!

ARCHIE,
WHERE ARE YOU?

ARCHIE!

HEY, ARCHIE!
WHERE THE HECK
ARE YOU?

WHAT'S UP, FOLKS?

ARCHIE'S MISSING AND
WE'RE LOOKING FOR HIM.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.
I'LL HELP YOU LOOK.

REMEMBER WHEN WE HAD THAT
BAD STORM LAST CHRISTMAS

AND THE PHONE LINES
WENT DOWN?

ARCHIE FOUND AN OLD HAM RADIO

SO I COULD TALK TO MY SISTER
ON THE HOLIDAY.

CHRISTMAS JUST ISN'T THE SAME
WITHOUT ARCHIE.

WE'RE BEGINNING
TO REALIZE THAT.

ARCHIE!
ARCHIE!

ARCHIE!
ARCHIE!

AAAAAAAH!

OH, NO!

OH, YES.

NOW NOTHING CAN STOP ME
FROM TAKING CHRISTMAS
FROM RIVERDALE.

PLEASE DON'T DO THIS.

SURE, MAYBE A LOT OF PEOPLE
HAVE FORGOTTEN WHAT CHRISTMAS
IS REALLY ABOUT,

BUT THERE'S ALWAYS A CHANCE
THAT THEY WILL REMEMBER.

SO? WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

DON'T YOU SEE?
IF YOU TAKE AWAY CHRISTMAS,

YOU TAKE AWAY ANY HOPE
THAT PEOPLE MIGHT ONE DAY
RESPECT IT MORE.

ISN'T THAT WHAT CHRISTMAS
IS REALLY ALL ABOUT?

HOPE.

HOPE. BAH.

OK, ARCHIE ANDREWS.

I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.

YOU GIVE UP
YOUR CHRISTMAS

AND THE REST OF RIVERDALE
CAN KEEP THEIRS.

WE'LL SEE HOW SERIOUS
YOU ARE ABOUT THIS.

YOU MEAN...

THAT'S RIGHT.
NO PRESENTS TO GIVE,
NO PRESENTS TO GET.

YOU'LL SPEND CHRISTMAS
ALONE WHILE EVERYONE
ELSE HAS A GOOD TIME.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?
DO WE HAVE A DEAL?

BUT I KEEP THE BOOK.

SURE. CONSIDER IT
A PRESENT.

READ IT SOMETIME.
IT'S A CLASSIC.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL
BY CHARLES DICKENS.

HE TRICKED ME!

CHRISTMAS
NEVER WAS IN DANGER.

AT LEAST
HE UNLOCKED THE DOOR.

THERE HE IS!

ARCHIEKINS!

WE'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE.

YOU GUYS WERE LOOKING FOR ME
INSTEAD OF ENJOYING
THE CHRISTMAS EVE PARTY?

I'M SORRY I RUINED
YOUR CHRISTMAS EVE.

HEY, BUDDY, KNOWING
YOU'RE SAFE MAKES IT
A GOOD CHRISTMAS.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK,
PAL.

WE'RE JUST GLAD
YOU'RE OK.

WE MISSED YOU,
ARCHIEKINS. [SMACK]

HUH?!

MY TURN.

HUH?

[SMACK]

WAIT. I LEFT MY PRESENTS
IN THE STORE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HURRY UP. I AM
HOSTING A PARTY,
YOU KNOW.

AND IF YOU WANT TO SING
ANY OF THOSE CHRISTMAS
CAROLS OF YOURS, I...

WON'T COMPLAIN.

WOW. I'LL HAVE TO
GET LOST MORE OFTEN.

I GOTTA KNOW.

WHAT?!
IT CAN'T BE!

'FRAID SO, ARCHIE.

YOU DON'T EXPECT ME
TO BELIEVE THAT
YOU'RE THE REALSANTA CLAUS.

ARCHIE, YOU BELIEVE
IN GHOSTS, WEREWOLVES,
ALIENS, AND MONSTERS.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE
THE REAL SANTA CLAUS WOULD
COME TO RIVERDALE?

BUT...WHY HERE?

SOMEONE NEEDED
A CHRISTMAS LESSON.

ME?

OH, NO.
YOU'RE FINE.

IT WAS YOUR FRIENDS
WHO NEEDED
A REMINDER

ABOUT WHAT IS
REALLY IMPORTANT
ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

A CHRISTMAS EVE
WITHOUT YOU
DID THE TRICK.

THEN WHY ALL THE SCARY STUFF?

THE CHRISTMAS PHANTOM
AND KRIS NICHOLAS,

AND THE SPOOKY TREE
AND THE ROBOTS?

DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

YOU ASKED FOR
A REALLY WEIRD MYSTERY
FOR CHRISTMAS.

YOU HAVE TO ADMIT,
THIS WAS A GOOD ONE.

THE MYSTERIOUS PHANTOM
OF THE DEPARTMENT STORE

STEALING CHRISTMAS
IN RIVERDALE.

YEAH! NOW THAT YOU
MENTION IT,

IT WAS A REALLY GREAT
WEIRD MYSTERY.

THANKS!

HEY, DOES SANTA DELIVER,
OR WHAT?

WELL, I'VE GOT MY LIST
AND I'VE GOT TO GO.

IT'S A WORK NIGHT.

HERE, LET US
HELP YOU WITH THOSE.

Archie: IT'S SNOWING!

THIS IS GOING TO BE
A PERFECT CHRISTMAS.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH
GIFTS AND A BIG, FANCY DINNER,

BUT THE BEST THING ABOUT
THE HOLIDAY SEASON

IS SHARING TIME
WITH YOUR LOVED ONES,

MAKING SOMEONE SMILE
WITH YOUR GENEROSITY,

AND APPRECIATING ALL
THE FINE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE.

THAT'S SOMETHING I ALWAYS
TRY TO REMEMBER WHEN
I CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS

IN A LITTLE TOWN
CALLED RIVERDALE.

Santa: MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.