Archie's Weird Mysteries (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 17 - Misfortune Hunters - full transcript

Announcer:
MISFORTUNE HUNTERS.

SOME PEOPLE WILL GO ANYWHERE
FOR TIMELESS TREASURE.

BUT WHAT IF THAT TREASURE
IS CURSED?

IS THERE ENOUGH GOODNESS
IN THE WORLD

TO STOP THIS MUCH EVIL?

FIND YOU FOR YOURSELF IN...
MISFORTUNE HUNTERS.

♪ WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

♪ ARCHIE'S

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S



♪ MYSTERIES

♪ WHO IS GONNA
CRACK THE CASE? ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ THAT REDHEAD
WITH THE FRECKLED FACE ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ THINGS ARE GETTIN' WEIRD
IN RIVERDALE ♪

♪ HEY, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

♪ ARCHIE'S

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S

♪ MYSTERIES



♪ ARCHIE, REGGIE

♪ VERONICA, BETTY

♪ JUGHEAD, TOO

♪ WEIRD

♪ ARCHIE'S
WEIRD MYSTERIES ♪

I HATE THIS PLACE.

QUIT COMPLAININ'!

THERE'S A FORTUNE
IN TREASURE
DOWN HERE, PRATT,

AND SOON
IT'S GONNA BE OURS!

"ONLY A PERSON
WHO'S PURE OF HEART

AND SEES GOOD DEEDS
AS DEAR"

"MAY PASS UNHARMED

AND SO RETRIEVE
THE TREASURE HIDDEN HERE."

WHAT A BUNCH OF HOGWASH.

[SQUEAKS]

HEY, WHITNEY,
CHECK IT OUT.

IT SAYS,
"PLEASE TAKE ONE."

TAKE ONE?

FORGET THAT.

UH-OH.

Both: AAH!

AHH. THIS IS THE LIFE,
VERONICA.

ENJOYING THE SUNSHINE,
COMMUNING WITH NATURE,

AND FEELING GLAD
TO BE PART

OF THE HUMAN RACE.

HEY, LADY,
CAN YOU HURRY ALONG?

THAT NOISE
IS RUINING
MY GOOD MOOD.

DON'T BOTHER,
MA'AM.

I'VE GOT THEM.

WELL, AREN'T YOU
THE HELPFUL ONE.

I TRY TO BE.

WHO'S THE RUG RAT?

THIS IS TIMMY BOYDSTON.

I'M WATCHING HIM
WHILE HIS MOTHER GOES

TO A DOCTOR'S
APPOINTMENT.

WHAT'S SHE
PAYING YOU?

NOTHING.
I'M DOING HER A FAVOR.

YOU'RE WORKING FOR FREE?

BETTY, YOU'LL NEVER GET
ANYWHERE IN THIS WORLD

WITH AN ATTITUDE
LIKE THAT.

IT'S CALLED A GOOD DEED,
RONNIE.

YOU MIGHT TRY IT SOMEDAY.

SO, BETTY,
YOU COMING TO THE MOVIES
WITH US TONIGHT?

SORRY. GOT MATH HOMEWORK.

RELAX.

I GOT ALL THE ANSWERS
FROM A KID IN CLASS.

YOU CAN COPY 'EM.

NO, THANKS. I PREFER
TO DO MY OWN HOMEWORK.

WELL, WE'RE OFF
TO GET ICE CREAM. BYE.

SHE'S HOPELESS.

SHE'S PERFECT.

TIME TO PUT OUR PLAN
INTO EFFECT.

RIGHT.

OW.

Archie:
I DON'T KNOW, JUGHEAD.

I JUST CAN'T COME UP
WITH A GOOD IDEA

FOR MY NEXT
WEIRD MYSTERIESARTICLE

IT GETS HARDER
AND HARDER

TO FIND GOOD STORIES.

YEAH. HOW ARE YOU
GONNA TOP THAT LAST ONE?

THE KNEE-WALKING TURKEYS
OF EAST ACTON?

HEY, WHEN I FIRST
HEARD ABOUT THAT,

IT SOUNDED WEIRD.

AND SPEAKING OF WEIRD,

HOW COME I NEVER NOTICED

WHAT A GOODY TWO-SHOES
MS. BETTY COOPER IS?

COME OFF IT.
BETTY HAS ALWAYS BEEN SWEET.

SWEET? SHE COULD GIVE
MARY POPPINS TOOTH DECAY.

DOING GOOD DEEDS,
HELPING PEOPLE?

IT'S NOT NORMAL.

YEAH. TOO BAD.
IT SHOULD BE.

HEY, YOU GUYS.

LOOK WHAT I JUST FOUND
IN MY MAILBOX.

A TACO
WITH A STOMACHACHE?

NO. IT'S A FORTUNE COOKIE,
AND IT WAS ADDRESSED TO ME.

WELL, OPEN IT.

IT SAYS,
"HELP SOMEONE TODAY,

AND YOU WILL BE
RICHLY REWARDED."

THOSE FORTUNES
ARE BOGUS.

MAYBE, BUT IF THERE WAS
A RICH REWARD,

I'D HELP SOMEONE.

WHO CARES ABOUT THE REWARD?

YOU SHOULD JUST DO IT
TO BE HELPFUL.

FOR FREE?

OF COURSE.

OH, MY GOSH! LOOK!

SOMEONE WHO NEEDS HELP,
JUST LIKE THE FORTUNE.

Reggie: DON'T DO IT, BETTY.
THERE'S NO MONEY IN IT.

HE LOOKS POOR.

CAN I HELP YOU
ACROSS THE STREET, SIR?

WHY, THANK YOU.

SHE'S NUTS,
I TELL YA.

CLAM UP, REGGIE.

BETTY'S JUST DOING
A GOOD DEED.

NO. SHE'S BEING
TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.

REGGIE'S RIGHT.

NO GOOD DEED
GOES UNPUNISHED.

WELL, I THINK BETTY
HAS A GOOD HEART.

SO, HOW DOES IT FEEL

TO RISK YOUR NECK
FOR SOME BUM?

$50 RICHER, THANK YOU.

HUH?

50 BUCKS?

YEAH. HE SAID HE WAS
A RECLUSIVE MILLIONAIRE.

PHASE ONE COMPLETE.

GREAT. NOW GET THAT NEXT
FORTUNE COOKIE READY.

SEE? SHE DID IT
FOR MONEY AFTER ALL.

NO, SHE DIDN'T.

BETTY HELPED THAT MAN
BEFORE SHE KNEW HE WAS RICH.

WELL, I WISH SOMEONE
WOULD GIVE ME

A FORTUNE COOKIE LIKE THAT.

OUCH!

HUH?

AHH, ANOTHER ONE
FOR BETTY.

WHERE DO THESE
KEEP COMING FROM?

"RETURN A LOST ITEM,

AND HAPPINESS
WILL BE FOUND."

DO THESE FORTUNES
STRIKE YOU AS A BIT ODD?

YES. IN FACT,

I SMELL AN ARCHIE'S
WEIRD MYSTERY.

[GASPS]
LOOK!

HUH?
THAT LADY
JUST LOST HER BOOK!

I'VE GOT TO HELP HER!

HERE WE GO AGAIN.

[BIRD CAWS]

Betty:
THIS IS THE ADDRESS
IN THE BOOK.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY
GOING UP THERE, ARE YOU?

OF COURSE.
IT'S THE RIGHT THING
TO DO.

BUT IT'S SO YUCKY
AND SCARY.

I'D BETTER COME WITH YOU.

NONSENSE.
THE FORTUNE COOKIE

DIDN'T STEER ME WRONG
THE FIRST TIME.

AND BESIDES, I BELIEVE
IN THE GOOD IN PEOPLE.

[BIRD CAWS]

I'M WORRIED
THAT BETTY IS
TOO TRUSTING.

I AGREE.

I HOPE SHE
DOESN'T GET ANY MORE
OF THOSE COOKIES.

I HOPE SHE DOES.

THEY'RE TASTY.

IT'S JUST THAT
SHE'S SO DARN TRUSTING
OF EVERYONE.

I DON'T TRUST ANYONE.

MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU'RE SUCH A LITTLE SNEAK.

EXACTLY.

[CAW CAW]

I DON'T LIKE THE FEEL OF THIS.

MAYBE I'D BETTER GO UP THERE.

BOO!
HUH?

YOU MADE IT BACK!

OF COURSE.

DID YOU GET A REWARD?

YES. THE LADY OFFERED ME
AN ANTIQUE GOLD COIN.

GOLD? LET ME SEE IT.
LET ME SEE IT.

I TURNED HER
DOWN.

WHAT? WHY?

TO PROVE THAT
I DON'T NEED A REWARD

TO DO A GOOD DEED.

THE DOING
IS REWARD ENOUGH.

OHH.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE DONE

WITH THOSE SILLY
FORTUNE COOKIES NOW.

WE'LL SEE.

[BIRD CAWS]

SHE'S HOOKED.
TIME FOR THE LAST COOKIE.

ANOTHER ONE.

"YOU CAN BRING JOY
TO A SAD COUPLE

BY ANSWERING A WANT AD."

WANT AD, HUH?

CARS FOR SALE,
APARTMENTS,

SAD COUPLE!

OH, MY GOSH. IT'S HERE!

"WILL HONEST PERSON

"PLEASE HELP US
FIND LOST HEIRLOOM?

"A SILVER DAGGER...

"LAST SEEN IN BASEMENT
OF THE STOTTLEMEYER MANSION.

MANY THANKS."

THIS PLACE HAS BEEN
ABANDONED FOR YEARS.

PRETTY SPOOKY.

BUT IF ANYONE
CAN HELP THE SAD COUPLE,
BETTY COOPER CAN.

THERE'S NO HEIRLOOM HERE.
THERE'S BARELY A BASEMENT.

MAYBE I'D BETTER LEAVE.

[YELLING]

UNH.

I DON'T KNOW IF I LIKE THIS.

BUCK UP, BETTY.

THE FORTUNE COOKIES
HAVEN'T HARMED YOU YET.

GO FOR IT, GIRL.
FIND THAT DAGGER.

WHO KNEW THERE WAS A MAZE

UNDER THE OLD
STOTTLEMEYER PLACE?

"PLEASE TAKE ONE."

IF YOU SAY SO.

[RUMBLING]

[BIRD CHIRPS]

OH, A BABY BIRD
FELL OUT OF ITS NEST.

GOSH, THIS ISN'T
A REAL BIRD.

IT'S JUST A TOY.

WELL, I'LL PUT IT BACK
IN ITS NEST ANYWAY.

WOW! GOOD THING
I CLIMBED UP HERE.

NOW TO FIND THAT DAGGER.

I'D BETTER MOVE THAT.

DON'T WANT ANYONE TO
ACCIDENTALLY STEP ON IT.

[GASPS]

IF I HADN'T BENT OVER,
I WOULD'VE LOST MY HEAD.

THE DAGGER--I FOUND IT!

THE SAD COUPLE
WILL BE SO HAPPY!

AND NOW THAT YOU'VE FREED ME,
I, TOO, AM SO HAPPY!

HUH?

HELLO, DARLING!

[GASPS]

[SCREAMING]

[HEAVING PANTING]

WHO ARE YOU?

PRATT AND WHITNEY,

FORTUNE HUNTERS
AT LARGE.

HUH?

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU'RE THE OLD MAN

I HELPED
ACROSS THE STREET,

AND YOU'RE THE LADY
WHO LOST HER BOOK.

THAT'S RIGHT,
GIRLIE GIRL.

WE TRICKED YOU
INTO OBEYING
OUR FORTUNE COOKIES

BECAUSE YOU'RE
SO DARN NICE
AND HELPFUL.

AND GULLIBLE.

NO ONE
BUT A GOOD-NATURED
PERSON

COULD'VE SURVIVED
THAT MAZE,

AND THAT'S YOU,
DOLL FACE.

BUT I RELEASED
SOME KIND OF MONSTER
BACK THERE.

THAT'S RIGHT.
THE MALADONIA DEMON
TRAPPED THERE

BY PROFESSOR
STOTTLEMEYER
YEARS AGO.

THIS DAGGER KEPT HIM
IMPRISONED.

GIVE IT BACK.

I'VE GOT TO
TRAP HIM AGAIN.

UHH! UHH.

NO!
I DON'T THINK SO.

RIVERDALE CAN DEAL
WITH A CREATURE.

PRATT AND I
ARE HEADED OFF

TO CASH IN ON THIS
PRICELESS DAGGER.

THANKS FOR YOUR HELP,
MISS GOOD DEEDS.

I--I WAS SET UP!

BETTY, YOU FOOL.
YOU STUPID, TRUSTING FOOL.

[POUNDING FOOTSTEPS]

HA HA HA!

NOW TO CAUSE
SOME DESTRUCTION.

[THUMP]HUH?

[GASPS]

AAH!

UNH.
HA HA HA HA!

[DEMON LAUGHING]

[GASPS]

OH!

[DEMON LAUGHING][SCREAMING]

[BUZZ]

BETTY, YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO BELIEVE IT!

THERE'S A DEMON
ROAMING AROUND TOWN,

CAUSING ALL KINDS
OF HAVOC.

[SIGHS]
I BELIEVE IT.

YOU'VE SEEN HIM?

I SET HIM FREE.

WHAT?

IT TURNS OUT

THOSE FORTUNE COOKIES
WERE JUST A SCAM.

SOME TREASURE SEEKERS
USED ME

TO GO UNDER
THE STOTTLEMEYER MANSION

AND GET THEM
A VALUABLE DAGGER.

AND WHEN I DID,
I RELEASED
THAT CREATURE.

BETTY, THIS IS HORRIBLE.

WE'VE GOT TO STOP THAT THING.

THE ONLY SOLUTION
IS THAT DAGGER.

[GASPS]THEN LET'S GO GET IT BACK.

NO!

I'M THROUGH HELPING.

BUT, BETTY,

YOU'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED IN
DOING GOOD DEEDS.

GOOD DEEDS, BAD DEEDS.
WHAT DOES IT MATTER?

I'M SICK OF BEING
A GOODY-GOODY.

IT ONLY
LEADS TO TROUBLE.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH BEING GOOD

AND TRUSTING AND HELPFUL.

YOU JUST CAN'T GO OVERBOARD.
YOU NEED BALANCE.

DON'T YOU GET IT?!
HUH?

I DON'T CARE
ANYMORE, ARCHIE!

NOW GO!

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THOSE
TREASURE HUNTERS ARE HERE?

I DON'T,
BUT IT'S THE ONLY
LEAD WE HAVE.

WE'VE GOT TO GET
THAT DAGGER BACK.

ARCHIE, LOOK!

[ALL GASP]

HEY, COME BACK HERE
WITH THAT KNIFE!

GET OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY,
YOU PUNKS!

WE'RE NOT BUDGING
TILL YOU TURN OVER
THAT DAGGER!

SUIT YOURSELF.

HE'S NOT GOING
TO REALLY RAM US, IS HE?

[ALL YELLING]

All: HUH?

HA HA HA HA!

I LOVE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!

I GUESS THAT'LL
TEACH YOU TO THINK TWICE

BEFORE RELEASING
ANY MORE DEMONS, HUH?

AND NEXT TIME, DON'T GO
USING MY FRIENDS

FOR YOUR ROTTEN SCHEMES!

OH, NO, YOU DON'T!

YOU'RE NOT
TRAPPING ME AGAIN!

GIVE ME THAT DAGGER!

[ROARS]

YOU LOST HIM, ARCH.

CAN'T SLOW DOWN NOW.

WE'VE GOT TO GET
TO THE STOTTLEMEYER
MANSION.

YOU CAN
DROP ME AT HOME
IF YOU WANT TO.

OR NOT.

All: WHOA!

UNH.

BRRR!

I CAN'T BELIEVE
BETTY CAME DOWN HERE

ALL BY HERSELF.

"ONLY A PERSON
WHO'S PURE OF HEART

"AND SEES GOOD DEEDS
AS DEAR

"MAY PASS UNHARMED
AND SO RETRIEVE

THE TREASURE
HIDDEN HERE."

NO WONDER THEY CHOSE
BETTY FOR THIS JOB.

HEY, I'M PURE OF HEART,
TOO, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, AND I'M RASPUTIN,
THE MAD MONK.

SPEAKING OF BETTY,
I WISH SHE WAS HERE NOW.

SHE KNOWS HOW TO NAVIGATE
THESE CORRIDORS.

WOW! LOOK AT
THESE JEWELS!

AND THEY'RE FREE
FOR THE TAKING!

REGGIE,
I DON'T THINK
YOU SHOULD.

All: WHOA!

UNH.

BETTY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

SAVING YOUR HIDES.

WHOA, BETTY.
NICE GETUP.

IT ALWAYS PAYS TO GO
VAULT RAIDING IN STYLE.

THANKS FOR
SAVING US.

THAT WAS
REALLY SELFLESS.

WHAT BROUGHT YOU BACK?

WELL, I WAS FEELING
PRETTY BAD ABOUT MYSELF

AND MY GOODY-GOODY WAYS,

BUT THEN SOMETHING HAPPENED.

Betty: MY FATHER WAS INJURED

BY ONE OF THE DEMON'S
BAD DEEDS.

THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED
THAT BEING HELPFUL

IS MORE OFTEN A GOOD THING,

AND I DECIDED I WASN'T
GONNA LET ANY MORE PEOPLE
BE HURT BY MY MISTAKE.

SO HERE I AM.

WAY TO GO, BETTY.

I KNEW YOU'D
COME THROUGH.

SO, WHICH WAY
DO WE GO NOW?

WELL, THE FIRST TIME
I CAME DOWN HERE,

I WENT THROUGH
A SECRET PANEL.

BUT THANKS
TO REGGIE'S GREED,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO
DOWN THIS NEW CORRIDOR.

OK, THAT'S IT.

IF I'M GONNA GET BLAMED
FOR EVERYTHING,

I'M NOT BUDGING.

Demon:
GIVE ME BACK THAT DAGGER!

THAT THING IS COMING!

SHOW US THE WAY, BETTY.
SAVE US.

OK, BUT THIS
COULD GET HAIRY.

AAH!

WHOA!

GOTCHA!
NOW, BE CAREFUL,
REGGIE.

OHH!

Veronica: HOW ARE WE
GOING TO GET ACROSS?

[GASPS FOR AIR]

STAY BACK.
I'LL GO FIRST.

COME AND GET IT,
PRETTY BOY.

[ROARS]

GOOD ONE.
ALL RIGHT.
SMART MOVE.

THAT GOODY-GOODY
IS BEGINNING TO ANNOY ME.

YOUR TURN,
RONNIE.

I DON'T WANNA.

AAH!

OH, ARCHIE!

[ROARS]
HUH?

I'VE GOTCHA!

UNH.

RRR.

FINE, DON'T SEND
THE ROPE BACK.

I CAN JUMP THIS CHASM
WITH MY EYES CLOSED.

UNH.

OHH.

THAT'S WHAT WE'VE GOT
TO GET THE DEMON INTO,

THEN SLAM THE LID SHUT.

AND HOW EXACTLY

ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET
MR. UGLY SPUD IN THERE?

HE'S NOT GOING
TO JUST CRAWL IN
ON HIS OWN.

[THUMP THUMP]

[ALL YELLING]

THE LOUDMOUTHED ONE
IS RIGHT!

[ALL YELLING]

I'M NOT GETTING BACK
INTO THAT ALTAR--

NOT EVER!

ALL RIGHT, WHO'S
GOT THE DAGGER?

YOU'VE GOT IT!

NOT ANYMORE.

DON'T GIVE IT TO ME!

ME NEITHER.

MONKEY IN THE MIDDLE.

[BOTH YELLING]

I KNOW YOU!
THE GOOD DEED-DOER!

THERE'S NO WAY
A SWEET PERSON LIKE YOU

COULD LET ANYONE
LOCK ME UP

IN THAT NASTY BOX,
NOW, COULD YA?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I COULDN'T
LET THAT HAPPEN.

I THOUGHT NOT.

DON'T DO IT, BETTY.
HE'S EVIL.

I'M SORRY, ARCHIE,
BUT HE'S RIGHT.

I HAVE TO BE
HELPFUL...

EVEN TO SOMEONE
LIKE HIM.

THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW GIVE ME
THAT DAGGER.

GO FETCH!

A SENSE OF HUMOR, I SEE.
I LIKE THAT.

AND AS SOON AS I
RETRIEVE THAT DAGGER,

I'LL TREAT YOU ALL
TO A JOKE OF MY OWN,

ONLY I'LL BE
THE ONLY ONE LAUGHING.

HA HA HA HA HA!

LAUGH THIS ONE OFF,
JOKER.

HEY, LET ME OUT!

NO FAIR! STOP!

Archie and Jughead: WHOA!

UNH.

BETTY, I THOUGHT
YOU THREW THE DAGGER
IN THERE.

NAH. THAT WAS
JUST A STICK

I PICKED UP OUTSIDE.

THAT MEANS
YOU WEREN'T

A GOODY-GOODY
AFTER ALL.

WELL, I'D SAY
I'M A LITTLE WISER.

I'LL BE GOOD TO THOSE
WHO DESERVE IT.

BETTY, I TAKE BACK
EVERY NASTY THING
I SAID ABOUT YA.

WELL, I WOULDN'T GO
THAT FAR, REGGIE,

BUT THANKS.

Archie: AND SO THE DEMON
WAS IMPRISONED ONCE MORE.

AND BETTY LEARNED TO BALANCE
HER TRUST AND GOODNESS

WITH A BIT OF COMMON SENSE.

WE'RE ALL GLAD WE KNOW
SOMEONE LIKE BETTY COOPER,

EVEN IF SHE NEVER TOUCHES
FORTUNE COOKIES ANYMORE...

IN A LITTLE TOWN
CALLED RIVERDALE.