Archie's Weird Mysteries (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 1 - Attack of the Killer Spuds/Archie and the Riverdale Vampires - full transcript
Meet Archie Andrews, ace reporter for the Riverdale High School student paper. Weirdness is his beat. It all starts the day the local TV station plays a twelve-hour monster movie marathon, followed by a trivia contest. Archie should have known something was wrong when Jughead actually wins! It turns out the TV station has been invaded by a body-snatching space spud. When the bad guys are supernatural, all bets are off. Archie faces his greatest challenge yet when Riverdale is invaded by a gang of hungry vampires. Things come to a chilling climax at Veronica's Halloween party as Reggie, Betty, Jughead and Archie are turned into vampires, one by one - until only Veronica is left to save the world! But can she do it without messing up her hair or breaking a nail... ?
Announcer:
ATTACK OF THE KILLER SPUDS!
SOMETHING IS
TAKING OVER RIVERDALE
ONE TEENAGER AT A TIME,
AND IT'S TURNING THEM
INTO ZOMBIES.
CAN ARCHIE SAVE HIS FRIENDS
FROM THIS GHASTLY DOOM?
ATTACK OF THE KILLER SPUDS!
♪ WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHO IS GONNA
CRACK THE CASE? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ THINGS ARE GETTIN' WEIRD
IN RIVERDALE ♪
♪ HEY, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ ARCHIE, REGGIE
♪ VERONICA, BETTY
♪ JUGHEAD, TOO
♪ WEIRD
♪ ARCHIE'S
WEIRD MYSTERIES ♪
TV: WE NOW RETURN
TO THE MONSTER MOVIE MARATHON.
Archie: JUGHEAD, HAVEN'T
YOU SEEN THIS ONE ALREADY?
OF COURSE
I'VE SEEN THIS ONE.
[MUNCHES]
EVERYONE'S SEEN THIS ONE.
SO WHY ARE WE
WATCHING IT AGAIN?
ARCHIE, IT'S A CLASSIC.
A CLASSIC DUD.
COME ON, JUGHEAD.
IT'S A GREAT DAY
OUTSIDE.
LET'S
BUST OUT THE BIKES
AND GO FOR A RIDE.
SHH! HERE COMES THE BIT
WHERE SHE FINDS OUT
HER BEST FRIEND
IS A MINDLESS ZOMBIE.
SHEESH! I KNOW
HOW SHE FEELS!
Woman on TV: UH, MARY,
I THINK YOU SHOULD SEE THIS.
MARY? MARY!
YOU SAT IN FRONT
OF THAT TV YESTERDAY
FOR 12 HOURS?
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT
A MARATHON.
NO. THAT'S WHY
THEY CALL IT
THE BOOB TUBE.
Jughead: JUST GET US
TO THE TV STATION
SO THIS BOOB
CAN PICK UP HIS PRIZE.
[SATELLITE DISH HUMMING]
Archie: SO TELL ME
ABOUT THIS CONTEST AGAIN.
WELL, IT'S LIKE I SAID.
WHEN THE MOVIE MARATHON
ENDED AT MIDNIGHT,
I WAS TOTALLY
IN THE ZONE.
Archie: THE ZONE?
WHEN YOU'RE SO WRAPPED UP
IN SOMETHING
THAT YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE
THE WORLD AROUND YOU.
YOU KNOW, THE ZONE.
ANYWAY, THAT'S WHEN
THE LADY FROM THE STATION
COMES ON AND SAYS...
WE'VE GOT A PRIZE
FOR THE FIRST PERSON
WHO CAN CALL IN
AND NAME ALL THE MOVIES
IN TODAY'S MARATHON.
HUH?
Jughead: WELL,
IF THERE'S ANYTHING
THAT CAN SNAP ME
OUT OF THE ZONE,
IT'S FREEBIES OR FOOD.
OR IN THIS CASE, BOTH.
YOU'VE GOT
TO BE KIDDING!
A POTATO?
WHAT KIND OF LOUSY
PRIZE IS A POTATO?
[STILTED] WHY,
IT'S A LUCKY POTATO
FOR A LUCKY
COUCH POTATO
LIKE YOURSELF.
Jughead: GEE, THANKS.
HEY!
COME ON,
SPUD BOY.
[SINISTER LAUGH ECHOING]
THE EARTHLING
PROMISED ONE OF THEM
SOME SORT OF PRIZE.
I KNEW YOU'D
LIKE THAT, MASTER.
I KNEW YOU'D
LIKE THAT A LOT.
[OMINOUS BREATHING]
JUGHEAD,
YOU CAN'T JUST SIT
IN FRONT OF THAT TV
ALL YOUR LIFE.
[SNIFFING]
YOW!
BIG GAME TONIGHT!
RIVERDALE VS. SPRINGFIELD.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
I SAY YOU'RE
BLOCKING THE VIEW.
YOU'RE GOING TO TURN
INTO A COUCH POTATO.
YOU SAY THAT LIKE
IT'S A BAD THING.
LOOK, WATCHING
A LITTLE TV
IS ONE THING,
BUT IT'S
NOT TOO COOL
WHEN IT KEEPS YOU
FROM HAVING
A REAL LIFE.
FINE. I'LL CATCH YOU
AT POP'S TOMORROW.
DEAL?SUIT YOURSELF.
Woman on TV: OH, ALEX,
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
HUH?
HUH?
AAH!
Woman on TV:
ALEX, WHAT'S WRONG?
UNGH!
HUH?
WHAT THE--
LET GO!
AAAAAH!
[WOMAN ON TV
SCREAMING]
[RUFF]
[HOTDOG BARKING]
Betty: I'M GETTING
A LITTLE WORRIED
ABOUT JUGHEAD.
YOU'RE TELLIN' ME.
HE'S TURNING
INTO A COUCH POTATO.
THAT'S NOT WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
Archie: UH, JUGHEAD?
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU
OUT OF THE HOUSE
THERE, BUDDY,
BUT, UH...
WHAT'S WITH THE POT?
[STILTED] DIRT IS GOOD
FOR YOU, ARCH.
IT'S RICH IN NUTRIENTS
THAT CAN BE ABSORBED
THROUGH THE FEET.
UH...OK.
I THINK
YOUR FREAKY FRIEND
HAS FINALLY FLIPPED.
SAY, ARCH,
YOU CAN MAKE IT
ONE OF YOUR STORIES.
THE WEIRD MYSTERY
OF JUGHEAD'S BOGUS BRAIN.
NOTE THE BAGS
UNDER HIS EYES.
I THEORIZE
JUGHEAD IS SUFFERING
FROM SLEEP DEPRIVATION.
JUGHEAD, DID YOU
STAY UP ALL NIGHT
IN FRONT
OF THAT TUBE AGAIN?
MMM! I'LL TELL YA,
POP MAKES THE BEST
FRENCH FRIES
IN TOWN.
HUH?
HUH?
[CRASH]
[SIGHS] THIS BLOUSE
CAME FROM PARIS!
[LAUGHS]
THE FRIES ARE GOOD,
BUT THEY'RE
NOT THAT GOOD!
OH, I'D NEVER EAT
FRENCH-FRIED POTATOES.
NO ONE EVER SHOULD!
HUH? DID OUR JUGHEAD
JUST SAY
HE'D NEVER
EAT FRENCH FRIES?
HEH HEH! I THINK
HE IS SUFFERING
FROM SLEEP
DEPRIVATION.
PROMISE ME
YOU'LL GO HOME
AND GET SOME SHUTEYE.
ONLY IF YOU KEEP
MY NEW FRIENDS COMPANY
WHILE I'M GONE.
YOUR NEW FRIENDS?
NICE!
HE RUINS MY BLOUSE
AND GIVES ME A POTATO.
POOR JUGHEAD!
HE'LL BE NORMAL AFTER
A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
PFFT! JUGHEAD
WILL NEVER BE NORMAL.
SO, ARCHIE,
ARE YOU STILL
COMING OVER
FOR THAT MOVIE
TONIGHT?
YEAH, SURE,
BUT RIGHT NOW
LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE
BEFORE POPS
FINDS THIS MESS.
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
NOT SO FAST, ARCHIE.
HEH HEH HEH HEH.
[THINKING]
I WANNA PUT MY ARM
AROUND BETTY,
BUT I'VE
GOTTA PLAY IT COOL.
[THINKING] I HOPE
HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ME,
BUT I DON'T WANT
TO LOOK TOO ANXIOUS.
[BELL RINGS]
POPCORN?
UH, SURE. THANKS.
[THINKING]
OH, TOO ANXIOUS!
I SCARED HIM OFF!
[THINKING]
WAS THAT A SIGNAL?
AW, GEE.
I'M TOO NERVOUS.
I GOTTA MAKE
MY MOVE, BUT WHEN?
Jughead: WHEN YOU'RE
SO WRAPPED UP IN SOMETHING
THAT YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE
THE WORLD AROUND YOU.
YOU KNOW, THE ZONE.
Archie: THAT'S IT!
THE ZONE!
THE WHAT?UM, THE PHONE!
DIDN'T YOU HEAR
THE PHONE RINGING?
I DON'T THINK SO.
HEH HEH HEH HEH.
Archie, thinking:
AS SOON AS BETTY
GETS INTO THE ZONE,
I'LL MAKE MY MOVE.
[MUNCHES]
[THINKING]
THIS IS IT.
CAREFUL NOW,
CAREFUL.
MMM! AAH!
[CLOTH TEARS]
WHAT THE--
WAS THAT MY SHIRT?
SMOOTH MOVE,
ANDREWS.
WHEW, I DON'T THINK
SHE NOTICED.
[THINKING]
I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING
TO PUT HIS ARM AROUND ME.
I WONDER WHY HE STOPPED.
OOH!
[THINKING]
OH, ARCHIE!
BETTER NOT LOOK
OR I MIGHT SCARE
HIM OFF AGAIN.
[THINKING]
HEY, THAT
WASN'T MY SHIRT.
WHAT THE--
Archie: EWW.
UH, BETTY?
THE POTATO
YOU PUT IN YOUR PURSE.
I THINK YOU SHOULD
SEE THIS, BETTY.
BETTY!
[GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
OH, NO, YOU DON'T!
BETTY! BETTY,
SNAP OUT OF IT!
A-ARCHIE?
OH!
Archie:
ARE YOU OK?
S-S-SURE, BUT
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I THINK WE NEED
TO TALK TO JUGHEAD
ABOUT HIS NEW FRIENDS
THE POTATOES.
SOMETHING REALLY
WEIRD IS GOING ON.
YOU'RE TELLING ME.
HOW COULD ORDINARY
POTATOES DO THIS?
AND IF
POTATOES DID THIS,
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I'M GONNA
CALL THE POLICE.
[GASPS]
OHH!
[SWOONS]
UH-OH!
TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT
FOR BETTY.
I THINK SHE'S FAINTED,
EH, BOY?
[GROWLS]
WHAT THE--
JUGHEAD AND...
JUGHEAD?
HIYA, ARCH.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
GLAD YOU COULD STOP BY.
YOU'RE NOT JUGHEAD.
WHAT ARE YOU?
I WAS ONCE A MERE POTATO,
BUT I HAD BEEN LIBERATED
BY THE MASTER,
FREED BY THE GREAT POTATO!
THE GREAT POTATO?
[OMINOUS BREATHING]
YES. I SHARE HIS THOUGHTS
AND DO HIS BIDDING.
AND, THANKS TO HIM,
STARTING TONIGHT,
POTATOES
WILL RULE THE EARTH!
BETTY!
[GRRR]
[GRRR]
HUH?
[GRRR]
IT'S TOO LATE, ARCH.
Jughead: EVEN NOW,
THE MASTER'S THOUGHTS
ARE BEING BROADCAST
TO ALL THE POTATOES
OF RIVERDALE...
POTATOES THAT WILL
BIDE THEIR TIME...
WAITING UNTIL THE HUMANS
AREN'T PAYING ATTENTION...
WAITING FOR
THE PERFECT MOMENT...
TO ATTACK
AND ABSORB
THE HUMAN LIFE FORCE!
Archie: BUT WHAT HAPPENS
TO THE PEOPLE?
Jughead: THEY'RE HAPPY
JUST SITTING THERE.
YOU KNOW,
LIKE IN THE ZONE.
NEVER HAVING TO THINK
OR DO ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.
NEVER HAVING TO THINK
OR DO ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.
KIND OF LIKE
WATCHING TELEVISION FOREVER.
PRETTY COOL, HUH?
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,
ASK BETTY!
JOIN US. YOU'LL
LIKE IT, ARCHIE.
COME ON, ARCH.
EVERYONE'S DOING IT.
HUH?
UNGH!
GET OFF ME!
HUH?
HUH?
UGH!
OHH!
OH, NO, YOU DON'T!
WAIGH! WHOA!
TAKE THAT!
HA! HUH?
YIPE!
[PANTING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
HE'S GETTING AWAY.
YOU CAN RUN, ARCHIE,
BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE
FROM THE EYES
OF THE GREAT POTATO.
[TIRES SCREECH]
LISTEN, EVERYONE!
WE'VE GOT TO HIDE
FROM THE POTATOES!
OH, ARCHIE-KINS,
YOU CAN'T HIDE
FROM THE POTATOES!
YEAH. WEREN'T YOU
LISTENING TO JUGHEAD?
[TIRES SCREECHING]
THE POLICE.
I'VE GOT TO TRY
THE POLICE.
I WOULDN'T DO THAT
IF I WERE YOU.
AAH![TIRES SCREECH]
Both: WHOA!
[CRASH]
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
ARE YOU OK?
DILTON?
IS IT REALLY YOU?
IT'S ME, ALL RIGHT.
I'VE TRIED
THE POLICE.
YOU DON'T
WANT TO GO THERE.
POTATO ZOMBIES?
HECK, UNTIL I SAW YOU
RUNNING INTO POP'S,
I THOUGHT I WAS
THE LAST HUMAN IN RIVERDALE.
JUGHEAD SAID THERE
WAS SOME GREAT POTATO
BEHIND ALL THIS.
HE MUST BE BEHIND
THE MICROWAVE TRANSMISSIONS
I DETECTED
WITH MY LAB EQUIPMENT.
Archie:
MICROWAVE TRANSMISSIONS?
RIGHT, AND
IF WE CAN STOP THEM,
THE POTATOES
SHOULD RETURN TO NORMAL.
ONLY WE DON'T KNOW
WHERE THE TRANSMISSIONS
ARE COMING FROM.
YES, WE DO!
THE TV STATION!
THEY GAVE JUGHEAD
A POTATO!
THEY BROADCAST
THEIR PROGRAMMING
WITH A MICROWAVE DISH!
COME ON! LET'S GO!
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Archie: WE'LL NEVER
GET TO THE CONTROLS
WITH ALL THOSE POTATOES
IN THERE.
MAYBE WE CAN
OVERRIDE THEM
DIRECTLY
FROM THE
TRANSMISSION TOWER.
Dilton: THERE!
WE JUST NEED TO GET
TO THAT CONTROL BOX.
IF WE CAN STOP
THE MICROWAVE
TRANSMISSIONS,
THAT GREAT POTATO
WILL LOSE CONTROL
OF THE POTATO
ZOMBIES.
UH, I DON'T THINK
HE WANTS US TO DO THAT.
[ROARING]
[ZOMBIES ROARING]
WHOA!
WHOA!
WAIT FOR ME!
[PANTING]
[ROARING]
THEY'RE THROWING POTATOES!
WHOA! WHOA! WHA!
HUH?
UNGH!
IT'S GOT ME!
YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO GET HIM!
LET GO!
UNGH!
UNGH!
UNGH!
Archie:
COME ON, DILTON!
Archie:
FASTER, DILTON!
UNH-UHH!
[GROANS]
AAH!
OH, NO, YOU DON'T!
DILTON?
Reggie: GUESS AGAIN.
YIPE!
Dilton: GO, ARCHIE!
GO! YOU'RE
OUR ONLY CHANCE, ARCHIE!
YOU'RE OUR ONLY--MMPH!
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
♪ OH, ARCHIE
GRR!
WHA-AH!
WHOA!
ALL RIGHT!
WHOA!
UNGH!
TIME TO BECOME ONE
WITH THE GREAT POTATO!
[GRUNTS]
UNGH!
UNGH!
[SIGNAL STOPS]
[WHIRRING]
AIGH!
AAH!
AAH!
EWW!
[GRUNTING]
GRRRR!
OOHHH.
[RUFF]
[PANTING]
HA HA HA HA!
AH HA HA HA!
HEY, CUT IT OUT!
HEY, YOU DID IT, ARCHIE--
OW!
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT!
I DID!
I--I--I DON'T KNOW
WHERE THE GREAT POTATO
CAME FROM...
BUT I THINK I KNOW
HOW HE GOT HERE.
AAH!
AAH!
WHOA!
ARCHIE! ARCHIE,
TURN ON THE DISH!
WHAT?
TURN ON THE DISH
AND INCREASE
THE FREQUENCY
TO FULL POWER!
[WHIRRING]
[ELECTRIC CRACKLING]
[BOOM]
WHA-WHAT HAPPENED?
WHEN YOU INCREASED
THE FREQUENCY,
YOU CHANGED THAT GIANT
MICROWAVE TRANSMITTER
INTO A GIANT
MICROWAVE OVEN.
Dilton: ANYONE
FOR A BAKED POTATO?
Archie: I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE GREAT POTATO
AFTER THAT,
BUT HIS SHIP FLEW AWAY,
AND WE NEVER SAW
ANY OF HIS KIND AGAIN.
AS FOR JUGHEAD,
WELL,
HE STILL WATCHES TV,
BUT NOW HE'S DOING
OTHER THINGS, TOO.
IT'S LIKE
I TOLD HIM BEFORE.
WATCHING A LITTLE TV
IS GREAT,
BUT TOO MUCH CAN TURN A GUY
INTO A ZOMBIE,
AND FOR THE NATION'S
BIG PRODUCE SUPPLIERS,
ONE WEIRD MYSTERY
STILL REMAINS--
WHY NO ONE ORDERS
POTATOES ANYMORE...
IN A LITTLE TOWN
CALLED RIVERDALE.
ATTACK OF THE KILLER SPUDS!
SOMETHING IS
TAKING OVER RIVERDALE
ONE TEENAGER AT A TIME,
AND IT'S TURNING THEM
INTO ZOMBIES.
CAN ARCHIE SAVE HIS FRIENDS
FROM THIS GHASTLY DOOM?
ATTACK OF THE KILLER SPUDS!
♪ WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHO IS GONNA
CRACK THE CASE? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ THINGS ARE GETTIN' WEIRD
IN RIVERDALE ♪
♪ HEY, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ ARCHIE, REGGIE
♪ VERONICA, BETTY
♪ JUGHEAD, TOO
♪ WEIRD
♪ ARCHIE'S
WEIRD MYSTERIES ♪
TV: WE NOW RETURN
TO THE MONSTER MOVIE MARATHON.
Archie: JUGHEAD, HAVEN'T
YOU SEEN THIS ONE ALREADY?
OF COURSE
I'VE SEEN THIS ONE.
[MUNCHES]
EVERYONE'S SEEN THIS ONE.
SO WHY ARE WE
WATCHING IT AGAIN?
ARCHIE, IT'S A CLASSIC.
A CLASSIC DUD.
COME ON, JUGHEAD.
IT'S A GREAT DAY
OUTSIDE.
LET'S
BUST OUT THE BIKES
AND GO FOR A RIDE.
SHH! HERE COMES THE BIT
WHERE SHE FINDS OUT
HER BEST FRIEND
IS A MINDLESS ZOMBIE.
SHEESH! I KNOW
HOW SHE FEELS!
Woman on TV: UH, MARY,
I THINK YOU SHOULD SEE THIS.
MARY? MARY!
YOU SAT IN FRONT
OF THAT TV YESTERDAY
FOR 12 HOURS?
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT
A MARATHON.
NO. THAT'S WHY
THEY CALL IT
THE BOOB TUBE.
Jughead: JUST GET US
TO THE TV STATION
SO THIS BOOB
CAN PICK UP HIS PRIZE.
[SATELLITE DISH HUMMING]
Archie: SO TELL ME
ABOUT THIS CONTEST AGAIN.
WELL, IT'S LIKE I SAID.
WHEN THE MOVIE MARATHON
ENDED AT MIDNIGHT,
I WAS TOTALLY
IN THE ZONE.
Archie: THE ZONE?
WHEN YOU'RE SO WRAPPED UP
IN SOMETHING
THAT YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE
THE WORLD AROUND YOU.
YOU KNOW, THE ZONE.
ANYWAY, THAT'S WHEN
THE LADY FROM THE STATION
COMES ON AND SAYS...
WE'VE GOT A PRIZE
FOR THE FIRST PERSON
WHO CAN CALL IN
AND NAME ALL THE MOVIES
IN TODAY'S MARATHON.
HUH?
Jughead: WELL,
IF THERE'S ANYTHING
THAT CAN SNAP ME
OUT OF THE ZONE,
IT'S FREEBIES OR FOOD.
OR IN THIS CASE, BOTH.
YOU'VE GOT
TO BE KIDDING!
A POTATO?
WHAT KIND OF LOUSY
PRIZE IS A POTATO?
[STILTED] WHY,
IT'S A LUCKY POTATO
FOR A LUCKY
COUCH POTATO
LIKE YOURSELF.
Jughead: GEE, THANKS.
HEY!
COME ON,
SPUD BOY.
[SINISTER LAUGH ECHOING]
THE EARTHLING
PROMISED ONE OF THEM
SOME SORT OF PRIZE.
I KNEW YOU'D
LIKE THAT, MASTER.
I KNEW YOU'D
LIKE THAT A LOT.
[OMINOUS BREATHING]
JUGHEAD,
YOU CAN'T JUST SIT
IN FRONT OF THAT TV
ALL YOUR LIFE.
[SNIFFING]
YOW!
BIG GAME TONIGHT!
RIVERDALE VS. SPRINGFIELD.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
I SAY YOU'RE
BLOCKING THE VIEW.
YOU'RE GOING TO TURN
INTO A COUCH POTATO.
YOU SAY THAT LIKE
IT'S A BAD THING.
LOOK, WATCHING
A LITTLE TV
IS ONE THING,
BUT IT'S
NOT TOO COOL
WHEN IT KEEPS YOU
FROM HAVING
A REAL LIFE.
FINE. I'LL CATCH YOU
AT POP'S TOMORROW.
DEAL?SUIT YOURSELF.
Woman on TV: OH, ALEX,
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
HUH?
HUH?
AAH!
Woman on TV:
ALEX, WHAT'S WRONG?
UNGH!
HUH?
WHAT THE--
LET GO!
AAAAAH!
[WOMAN ON TV
SCREAMING]
[RUFF]
[HOTDOG BARKING]
Betty: I'M GETTING
A LITTLE WORRIED
ABOUT JUGHEAD.
YOU'RE TELLIN' ME.
HE'S TURNING
INTO A COUCH POTATO.
THAT'S NOT WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
Archie: UH, JUGHEAD?
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU
OUT OF THE HOUSE
THERE, BUDDY,
BUT, UH...
WHAT'S WITH THE POT?
[STILTED] DIRT IS GOOD
FOR YOU, ARCH.
IT'S RICH IN NUTRIENTS
THAT CAN BE ABSORBED
THROUGH THE FEET.
UH...OK.
I THINK
YOUR FREAKY FRIEND
HAS FINALLY FLIPPED.
SAY, ARCH,
YOU CAN MAKE IT
ONE OF YOUR STORIES.
THE WEIRD MYSTERY
OF JUGHEAD'S BOGUS BRAIN.
NOTE THE BAGS
UNDER HIS EYES.
I THEORIZE
JUGHEAD IS SUFFERING
FROM SLEEP DEPRIVATION.
JUGHEAD, DID YOU
STAY UP ALL NIGHT
IN FRONT
OF THAT TUBE AGAIN?
MMM! I'LL TELL YA,
POP MAKES THE BEST
FRENCH FRIES
IN TOWN.
HUH?
HUH?
[CRASH]
[SIGHS] THIS BLOUSE
CAME FROM PARIS!
[LAUGHS]
THE FRIES ARE GOOD,
BUT THEY'RE
NOT THAT GOOD!
OH, I'D NEVER EAT
FRENCH-FRIED POTATOES.
NO ONE EVER SHOULD!
HUH? DID OUR JUGHEAD
JUST SAY
HE'D NEVER
EAT FRENCH FRIES?
HEH HEH! I THINK
HE IS SUFFERING
FROM SLEEP
DEPRIVATION.
PROMISE ME
YOU'LL GO HOME
AND GET SOME SHUTEYE.
ONLY IF YOU KEEP
MY NEW FRIENDS COMPANY
WHILE I'M GONE.
YOUR NEW FRIENDS?
NICE!
HE RUINS MY BLOUSE
AND GIVES ME A POTATO.
POOR JUGHEAD!
HE'LL BE NORMAL AFTER
A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
PFFT! JUGHEAD
WILL NEVER BE NORMAL.
SO, ARCHIE,
ARE YOU STILL
COMING OVER
FOR THAT MOVIE
TONIGHT?
YEAH, SURE,
BUT RIGHT NOW
LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE
BEFORE POPS
FINDS THIS MESS.
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
NOT SO FAST, ARCHIE.
HEH HEH HEH HEH.
[THINKING]
I WANNA PUT MY ARM
AROUND BETTY,
BUT I'VE
GOTTA PLAY IT COOL.
[THINKING] I HOPE
HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ME,
BUT I DON'T WANT
TO LOOK TOO ANXIOUS.
[BELL RINGS]
POPCORN?
UH, SURE. THANKS.
[THINKING]
OH, TOO ANXIOUS!
I SCARED HIM OFF!
[THINKING]
WAS THAT A SIGNAL?
AW, GEE.
I'M TOO NERVOUS.
I GOTTA MAKE
MY MOVE, BUT WHEN?
Jughead: WHEN YOU'RE
SO WRAPPED UP IN SOMETHING
THAT YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE
THE WORLD AROUND YOU.
YOU KNOW, THE ZONE.
Archie: THAT'S IT!
THE ZONE!
THE WHAT?UM, THE PHONE!
DIDN'T YOU HEAR
THE PHONE RINGING?
I DON'T THINK SO.
HEH HEH HEH HEH.
Archie, thinking:
AS SOON AS BETTY
GETS INTO THE ZONE,
I'LL MAKE MY MOVE.
[MUNCHES]
[THINKING]
THIS IS IT.
CAREFUL NOW,
CAREFUL.
MMM! AAH!
[CLOTH TEARS]
WHAT THE--
WAS THAT MY SHIRT?
SMOOTH MOVE,
ANDREWS.
WHEW, I DON'T THINK
SHE NOTICED.
[THINKING]
I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING
TO PUT HIS ARM AROUND ME.
I WONDER WHY HE STOPPED.
OOH!
[THINKING]
OH, ARCHIE!
BETTER NOT LOOK
OR I MIGHT SCARE
HIM OFF AGAIN.
[THINKING]
HEY, THAT
WASN'T MY SHIRT.
WHAT THE--
Archie: EWW.
UH, BETTY?
THE POTATO
YOU PUT IN YOUR PURSE.
I THINK YOU SHOULD
SEE THIS, BETTY.
BETTY!
[GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
OH, NO, YOU DON'T!
BETTY! BETTY,
SNAP OUT OF IT!
A-ARCHIE?
OH!
Archie:
ARE YOU OK?
S-S-SURE, BUT
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I THINK WE NEED
TO TALK TO JUGHEAD
ABOUT HIS NEW FRIENDS
THE POTATOES.
SOMETHING REALLY
WEIRD IS GOING ON.
YOU'RE TELLING ME.
HOW COULD ORDINARY
POTATOES DO THIS?
AND IF
POTATOES DID THIS,
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I'M GONNA
CALL THE POLICE.
[GASPS]
OHH!
[SWOONS]
UH-OH!
TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT
FOR BETTY.
I THINK SHE'S FAINTED,
EH, BOY?
[GROWLS]
WHAT THE--
JUGHEAD AND...
JUGHEAD?
HIYA, ARCH.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
GLAD YOU COULD STOP BY.
YOU'RE NOT JUGHEAD.
WHAT ARE YOU?
I WAS ONCE A MERE POTATO,
BUT I HAD BEEN LIBERATED
BY THE MASTER,
FREED BY THE GREAT POTATO!
THE GREAT POTATO?
[OMINOUS BREATHING]
YES. I SHARE HIS THOUGHTS
AND DO HIS BIDDING.
AND, THANKS TO HIM,
STARTING TONIGHT,
POTATOES
WILL RULE THE EARTH!
BETTY!
[GRRR]
[GRRR]
HUH?
[GRRR]
IT'S TOO LATE, ARCH.
Jughead: EVEN NOW,
THE MASTER'S THOUGHTS
ARE BEING BROADCAST
TO ALL THE POTATOES
OF RIVERDALE...
POTATOES THAT WILL
BIDE THEIR TIME...
WAITING UNTIL THE HUMANS
AREN'T PAYING ATTENTION...
WAITING FOR
THE PERFECT MOMENT...
TO ATTACK
AND ABSORB
THE HUMAN LIFE FORCE!
Archie: BUT WHAT HAPPENS
TO THE PEOPLE?
Jughead: THEY'RE HAPPY
JUST SITTING THERE.
YOU KNOW,
LIKE IN THE ZONE.
NEVER HAVING TO THINK
OR DO ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.
NEVER HAVING TO THINK
OR DO ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.
KIND OF LIKE
WATCHING TELEVISION FOREVER.
PRETTY COOL, HUH?
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,
ASK BETTY!
JOIN US. YOU'LL
LIKE IT, ARCHIE.
COME ON, ARCH.
EVERYONE'S DOING IT.
HUH?
UNGH!
GET OFF ME!
HUH?
HUH?
UGH!
OHH!
OH, NO, YOU DON'T!
WAIGH! WHOA!
TAKE THAT!
HA! HUH?
YIPE!
[PANTING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
HE'S GETTING AWAY.
YOU CAN RUN, ARCHIE,
BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE
FROM THE EYES
OF THE GREAT POTATO.
[TIRES SCREECH]
LISTEN, EVERYONE!
WE'VE GOT TO HIDE
FROM THE POTATOES!
OH, ARCHIE-KINS,
YOU CAN'T HIDE
FROM THE POTATOES!
YEAH. WEREN'T YOU
LISTENING TO JUGHEAD?
[TIRES SCREECHING]
THE POLICE.
I'VE GOT TO TRY
THE POLICE.
I WOULDN'T DO THAT
IF I WERE YOU.
AAH![TIRES SCREECH]
Both: WHOA!
[CRASH]
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
ARE YOU OK?
DILTON?
IS IT REALLY YOU?
IT'S ME, ALL RIGHT.
I'VE TRIED
THE POLICE.
YOU DON'T
WANT TO GO THERE.
POTATO ZOMBIES?
HECK, UNTIL I SAW YOU
RUNNING INTO POP'S,
I THOUGHT I WAS
THE LAST HUMAN IN RIVERDALE.
JUGHEAD SAID THERE
WAS SOME GREAT POTATO
BEHIND ALL THIS.
HE MUST BE BEHIND
THE MICROWAVE TRANSMISSIONS
I DETECTED
WITH MY LAB EQUIPMENT.
Archie:
MICROWAVE TRANSMISSIONS?
RIGHT, AND
IF WE CAN STOP THEM,
THE POTATOES
SHOULD RETURN TO NORMAL.
ONLY WE DON'T KNOW
WHERE THE TRANSMISSIONS
ARE COMING FROM.
YES, WE DO!
THE TV STATION!
THEY GAVE JUGHEAD
A POTATO!
THEY BROADCAST
THEIR PROGRAMMING
WITH A MICROWAVE DISH!
COME ON! LET'S GO!
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Archie: WE'LL NEVER
GET TO THE CONTROLS
WITH ALL THOSE POTATOES
IN THERE.
MAYBE WE CAN
OVERRIDE THEM
DIRECTLY
FROM THE
TRANSMISSION TOWER.
Dilton: THERE!
WE JUST NEED TO GET
TO THAT CONTROL BOX.
IF WE CAN STOP
THE MICROWAVE
TRANSMISSIONS,
THAT GREAT POTATO
WILL LOSE CONTROL
OF THE POTATO
ZOMBIES.
UH, I DON'T THINK
HE WANTS US TO DO THAT.
[ROARING]
[ZOMBIES ROARING]
WHOA!
WHOA!
WAIT FOR ME!
[PANTING]
[ROARING]
THEY'RE THROWING POTATOES!
WHOA! WHOA! WHA!
HUH?
UNGH!
IT'S GOT ME!
YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO GET HIM!
LET GO!
UNGH!
UNGH!
UNGH!
Archie:
COME ON, DILTON!
Archie:
FASTER, DILTON!
UNH-UHH!
[GROANS]
AAH!
OH, NO, YOU DON'T!
DILTON?
Reggie: GUESS AGAIN.
YIPE!
Dilton: GO, ARCHIE!
GO! YOU'RE
OUR ONLY CHANCE, ARCHIE!
YOU'RE OUR ONLY--MMPH!
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
♪ OH, ARCHIE
GRR!
WHA-AH!
WHOA!
ALL RIGHT!
WHOA!
UNGH!
TIME TO BECOME ONE
WITH THE GREAT POTATO!
[GRUNTS]
UNGH!
UNGH!
[SIGNAL STOPS]
[WHIRRING]
AIGH!
AAH!
AAH!
EWW!
[GRUNTING]
GRRRR!
OOHHH.
[RUFF]
[PANTING]
HA HA HA HA!
AH HA HA HA!
HEY, CUT IT OUT!
HEY, YOU DID IT, ARCHIE--
OW!
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT!
I DID!
I--I--I DON'T KNOW
WHERE THE GREAT POTATO
CAME FROM...
BUT I THINK I KNOW
HOW HE GOT HERE.
AAH!
AAH!
WHOA!
ARCHIE! ARCHIE,
TURN ON THE DISH!
WHAT?
TURN ON THE DISH
AND INCREASE
THE FREQUENCY
TO FULL POWER!
[WHIRRING]
[ELECTRIC CRACKLING]
[BOOM]
WHA-WHAT HAPPENED?
WHEN YOU INCREASED
THE FREQUENCY,
YOU CHANGED THAT GIANT
MICROWAVE TRANSMITTER
INTO A GIANT
MICROWAVE OVEN.
Dilton: ANYONE
FOR A BAKED POTATO?
Archie: I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE GREAT POTATO
AFTER THAT,
BUT HIS SHIP FLEW AWAY,
AND WE NEVER SAW
ANY OF HIS KIND AGAIN.
AS FOR JUGHEAD,
WELL,
HE STILL WATCHES TV,
BUT NOW HE'S DOING
OTHER THINGS, TOO.
IT'S LIKE
I TOLD HIM BEFORE.
WATCHING A LITTLE TV
IS GREAT,
BUT TOO MUCH CAN TURN A GUY
INTO A ZOMBIE,
AND FOR THE NATION'S
BIG PRODUCE SUPPLIERS,
ONE WEIRD MYSTERY
STILL REMAINS--
WHY NO ONE ORDERS
POTATOES ANYMORE...
IN A LITTLE TOWN
CALLED RIVERDALE.