Archer (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 3 - Danger Island: Different Modes of Preparing the Fruit - full transcript

Archer and Pam look for ways to make enough money to repair the plane.

Oh, please, get serious.

I'm plenty serious. That
was the very definition

of a sucker punch.

Well, even if it was...
Which it wasn't...

You would've deserved it.

For what, saving your
dumb ass from giant lizards?

Giant lizards I wouldn't
have had to deal with...

You call that dealing with?

If you'd fixed the
goddamn fuel pump.

Oh, okay.

So it's all my fault.


Well, still a sucker punch.

Ow! Now, that's a sucker pun...

Ow! Son of a...

Ow! Goddamn it!

Hang on. Wait.

Stop it. What?


Goddamn it.


And, frankly, I really don't see

how this is any
of your business.

What are you... I
own the business.

I meant... And I own
that business over there.

And I own this business.

You don't own
the police station.

Yeah. Well, I...

Shut up. And, Mother, I think

we're losing sight
of how amazing

that landing would've
been if, you know...

It worked? Right?

And if ifs and buts
were candy and nuts,

we'd all have a
merry Christmas. Aw.

And maybe Santa would bring me

a new $60,000 seaplane.

Don't be so dramatic,
she's not a total loss,

she just needs new wings.

And a fuel pump. Woman.

Shipped out here
from the States.

God knows when.

It took three months to get
new tubes for the damn radio.

And God knows
how much it'll cost.

Well, and the airplane factory,

presumably, would know.

You're paying for them.

Well, but you own the business.

Which I will liquidate
like a pina colada.

You're paying for them.

But... And in the meantime,

you'd better figure out
how to replace the money

I won't be making
on Archer Airways,

or you can just
pack your suitcase!

It happens to be a duffel bag!

That's tellin' her. Eh.

Now, move this
aeroplane from la rue.

From what?

La rue! La rue!

What the hell's la rue?

I think it's, like, a-a
base for sauces?

You know, like, for
gravy or whatever?

♪ ♪

So, I'm thinking
new wings for Lucy

are gon... gonna
cost about five grand.

Which we don't have.

And which we can't
make without Lucy.

We got to fly to make money,

but we got to have
the money to fly, so...

Yeah, that's a real Catch-22.

Uh, I don't think
that's a thing yet.

So, money: any ideas?

Mmm... nope.

Come on, let's just spitball it.

Nope. Pam.

No. Come on, there
are no bad ideas.

Oh, well, isn't that a change?

What is? All of a
sudden it's anything goes.

What are you...? No bad ideas?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Are you talking about...
That was a terrible idea.

No, it wasn't.

We were the
laughingstock of the Andes.

And we lost our asses.
Okay, yeah, I mean,

maybe it was a little
ahead of its time, but...

Oh, my God. It was
local, it was sustainable.

It was rats. It wasn't rats.

Dos por uno, dos por uno.


El sabor sensacion que
esta barriendo la nacion.

Goddamn it.

Plus, the fur farms practically
gave us the meat for free.

It's probably free
at the glue factory,

it doesn't mean
people want to eat it.

Because it's broken-down
old horse meat.

Chinchilla, on the other hand,

is some of the finest
fur you can buy.

So is mink. But
people don't eat it.

I've eaten mink. I
do not doubt that.

How was it?


All right, Miss Priss,

let's go, let's see the goods.
- Oh, all right,

but be nice... I didn't
have much to work with.

You can say that again.

Can't you pad it with something?

Pad what? Your brassiere.

No! I meant my wardrobe.

I packed for a
honeymoon, not a...

a descent into profound
and lasting shame.

You're still gonna
want to pad it.

Why not? You heard your mom...

There's obviously a demand.

Because I don't
think it's feasible

to build a radio
tube factory here.

Yeah, there's
probably zoning issues.

That's your number one concern?

I haven't ranked them.

Well, mine is rickets,
and scurvy, and scabies,

and whatever other bullshit
diseases poor people get.


I wonder if that
idol's worth anything.

Wait, what? What-what idol?

I don't know. In the jungle,
the princess and the Kraut

were talking about
some kind of idol.

What kind of idol? Some
kind. I dunno, they didn't...

Like a native idol? They...

So that's why that
little German sneak

is on the island.
Are we talking jade?

Emerald? Ruby?


They didn't say.

I bet it's a gold monkey.

No. Not a gold monkey.

You don't know that. Yes, I do.

Not a gold monkey.

But it could be gold, though.

Yeah, I guess, as long
as it's not monkey-shaped.

What are we talking
about? Why you're not a dog.

Shut up, dodos. Flightless.

So where is it? I don't know.

Where's what? The idol.


But since they had
us fly 'em around

over the jungle...

Oh, for... I assume
it's in the jungle.

A golden idol,
somewhere in the jungle.

I bet it's worth millions.

I think you must
sharpen your pencil.

Excuse me? Sharpen your pencil?

It is idiom?

This is a fairly common
phrase, no? No.

It means there's a
problem with your arithmetic.

My government will
pay 100,000 reichsmarks

for the idol, und not
one pfennig more.

Hmm. I wonder how
much Japan would pay.

What does Japan
have to do with this?

Well, I'm sure they'd like to
lease an airfield on the island,

if, say, they ever
declared war on America?

Mein Gott.

Are you serious?

The French have
subjugated my people

for a hundred years.

I would do literally
anything to be rid of them.

Literally? Or figuratively?

Why? What did you have in mind?


Well, it is hard to say.
My mind is quite racing.

There are many
thoughts in there.

Pick one.

Perhaps we could pay...


Wait, what are you? Shh.

Pretending I'm on the phone.

Hello, Japan?

Hi, yeah. So, listen...

All right! One
million reichsmarks!

Payable only once we
have secured the idol.

And so far, we have no
idea where to even look for it.

As for that, I found this

hidden among my
great-grandfather's papers.

Fantastiche. So,
do we have a deal?

If, when the time comes,

Germany helps my people
overthrow the French.

Ja, I think I can safely promise

that soon you won't have
to worry about France.

Then yes, Herr
Sebert, we have a deal.


Now then, I believe

there was some
mention of a pencil?

Oh, ja, ich habe
eine grosen Stift...

I'll be the judge of that.

Okay, Fuchs is renting a
bungalow on the edge of town,

so I say we break
in, snoop around,

and see what we can find out

about this gold non-monkey.

So, rob him.

Well, technically burgle, but...

Shut up, but yeah. For clues.

Ooh, like, maybe there's a map.

Yes. Like a treasure map.

Yeah, right, with a big X on it,

treasure chest, skull-and-bones.

Don't be shitty. And also,

why would the map
have pirate shit all over it?

Well, we are in
the shipping lane.

So, you weren't

kidding around
about that pencil, huh?

That is not a topic
for levity. Fair enough.

It is interesting...
I notice that,

even in the throes of passion,

you have no trace of
a Polynesian accent.

Well, that's because I was
sent away to boarding school

in the States when I was five,
all the way through college.

Und yet you mention
alliance with Japan.

I would think your affinity

would lie with
the United States.

Right, because that
worked out so well for Hawaii.

I always found it ironic that

if you really want
to get bent over,

just ask a missionary.

Fair enough.

So why is the German government
so interested in the tupua?

The...? Tupua. The idol.

Oh. Well, umm...

Oh, don't worry about them.

In order join the royal guards,
when they're 12 years old,

they have to agree to have
their tongues cut out, so...

Gott im Himmel!

That was a joke.

Oh, sorry, I, uh...

Wow, ethnocentric much?

Tu'ua i matou.

So, tupua...

Germany's interest in?

Ah, yes, well, the Fuhrer, um...

The Charlie Chaplin guy? Nein!


We never, ever say this thing.

Really? Trust me.

Anyway, the Fuhrer is,

um, a bit of an
anthropology buff.

And so Germany
will build a museum.

Fair enough. The most
powerful museum in the world!

For children

of all ages.

Okay, so here's the plan.

We need to keep Fuchs

away from his
bungalow for a few hours,

so after he finishes
eating dinner here...

How do you know
he's gonna eat here?

Where else is he gonna eat?


♪ ♪

I like Luigi's.

Yeah, you're also
teeming with mites.

Not teeming.

So, shut up. After dinner,

we need to make
sure he stays here.


Don't you want to know how?

I'd like to know
what, and why. What?

What are you goofs doing here,

and, follow up, why
are you doing it here?

For your information,
we're working on a plan

to earn enough money to pay
you, and to get new wings, so...

It better not be chinchilladas!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

See? Chinchilladas?

I'd forgotten all about that.

It's not chinchilladas!

Jesus Christ...

Well, whatever it is,
do it somewhere else.

We can't. Why not?

Hey. Because we
want to hire her.

Wait, what?

Wait, ew! Who is "we"?

Like, we we, or... Yeah.

No, not... It's
for after dinner.

Oh, right. That
makes more sense.

We want her to entertain
the Kraut for an hour or so.

That greasy little
German guy? No!

Why are you talking?

All right, A: what
are you up to?

And B: what's it got
to do with Fuchs?

Nothing, and B: also nothing.

For one hour? A
thousand francs. What?

Wait, is that a lot? Yes.

That depends... Yes!

On if you think
35 bucks is a lot.

What? Right?

Well, we have to see
what the market will bear...

And if I only get 40%...

14 goddamn dollars?

Well, minus your room and board,

so let's just call
it an even... nine.

Nine dollars?

To have sexual intercourse.

With a total stranger.

I don't know why
you're so pissed,

I was a stranger and
you banged me for free.

Yeah, well, at least with
him I get two eyeballs.


One thousand,
please. In advance.

Where is the trust?

Where is the money?


What? Aw, man.

I was saving that for a whole
big girlie treat day for myself.

Go to the beauty
parlor, get a new dress...

No one cares.


One for dinner, please.

Und tell the chef I want

the biggest steak in the
house, rare und bloody.

I must replenish my Lebenskraft.

Try not to fall in love.

And you might as well start now,

see if you can get
a free meal out of it.

You said my board's included.

Just the continental
breakfast, dear.

Wh...? Free bear claws!

So, breadfruit...

What's that about?

Oh, about one kilo, on average.

That was a joke.

Hey, are you gonna eat

those potatoes and
stuff or whatever?


Because I should probably
maybe eat something.

I'm getting kinda drunk. Ja.

And sometimes when I'm drunk,

I can get a little crazy.



So I at least need a haircut.



Oh. Heh.

Don't worry, Liebchen...

I have eine grose
Karotte for you.


How are you still single?

Okay, Crackers, this is where

you come in. You see that
bathroom window? Yup.

I want you to fly in there and
then meet us at the front door.


- And keep it down.
- Yup, yup, yup.

It's like if a...

sorry. - Goddamn it.

Sorry! Jesus.

Come on, let's go.

I swear to God...

And you know they
live to be like, 80.

How old's he? Like 40?


Goddamn it, bird.

Well, who puts that there?

Are you in position?

For what?

To open the door! KRIEGER: What?

Open the goddamn door!


What do you mean, how?

Yeah, what was your plan there?

I don't know, jump
on the handle.

It's a knob.

Clearly a knob.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Okay, let me think.

What-what if we...

Wh...? Why would you do that?

Because we don't have all night.

We also don't want Fuchs to know

somebody broke into his house.

Oh, he's gonna know.

Offne deinen mund,
mein Liebchen.

Hier kommt der
Zug in den Bahnhof.

And how is everything,
Miss Vandertunt?

Wonderful, wonderful.

And would you and
your guest care to enjoy

brandy and cigars in
your room upstairs?

Ja, we will enjoy
this very much.

Because why are you so mad?

Because why'd
you shit on the sofa?

I was scared. Of what?

How mad you'd be
that I shit on the sofa.

Bird, I swear... Ow!

What the...? PAM: What is it?

It happens to be a large
brown suitcase, Pam.

With some kind
of spy radio inside.

Dun dun dun! Bird.

Knock it off, you licknuts.

And come here,
look at all this shit.

What the...? PAM: Right?

And check this out...

What's it all mean?

Beats me, but I'm thinking

that Kraut is into
some weird shit.


Ja, mein Liebchen,

und wir tanzen...

Und so schon ist der Jazz...

Und Gott verdammt
deisen Bustenhalter.

Wait, what?

Und wir tanzen...

And you guys, check this out.

Holy shit! That's the island!


Racist. All birds have bumps.

And look, I bet that's the idol.

Okay, come on, let's go.

What're you...? No.
We can't take the map.

He'll know he got robbed.

Ya think? Well,
technically burgled, but...

Bird! Pam, copy it.

The bird? The map! Goddamn it!

You copy the map, we'll
clean up all the mess.

Man, where to start, right?

Said the feather duster.

Komm schon.

Du doof Schlampe.

Wohl, das wird dich wecken.

Son of a... Knock knock.

Nein! Nein!

Well, what have we here?

Nothing! What do you want?

I brought you some more
brandy, but it looks like

your hostess has
already had a bit too much.

Maybe we should let her sleep.

She's fine. Get out.

Let's let her sleep.

Gottverdammt, woman.

Are you deaf or just stupid?

Pick one.

Manu, dear, could I borrow you?

Would you be a little lamb

and show Miss Vandertunt's
guest to the door?

Fine. Und from now on,

I will eat die
Scheisen-Pasta at Luigi's.

Ugh! Luigi's.

Come on. Come on.

Upsy daisy.


Do I get my nine dollars now?


I cannot wait to find
that verdammt idol

and get off this Scheise island.

Und why am I speaking English?

Pam, how's the map?
You almost done?

Hang on. West and east.

Yeah, okay, done.

What the shit?

Oh, I know, it's
just getting worse.

I said blot. Why
didn't you blot?

Why didn't I sew
your asshole shut

like a Christmas goddamn goose?

Huh? What?

Is that not how they
do it? First of all,

I'm pretty sure the
asshole is gone,

out of any bird way
before you start cooking.

Was ist los?

Ach. Das fenster
ist zerbrochen...

Okay, we're going to plan B.

What? No, I hate plan B.

We're doing plan B.

And you better sell it, bird.

Come on, out the back.


Aw, man...

Okay, here goes.

Oh, man.

Plan B is the best.

Aagh! Fledermaus, fledermaus!

Excuse me?

Come here, please.

Si, signore?

So, for context, last
night I was attacked

by what I can only assume
was a giant jungle bat,

which did this to
my face, and left me

and my house covered
in blood und shit.

Ah. Terribile...

Ja ja, it was indeed terrible.

But not compared
to this breakfast!

And probably not compared
to this goddamn map.

Aw, come on, I was in a hurry.

To suck?

I'll tell you what sucks...

Ooh. Being mistaken for a bat.


But not as much as that map.

♪ ♪

Made in Georgia.