Archer (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 4 - Danger Island: A Warrior in Costume - full transcript

PAM: Okay, keep coming.

(moans)

Looking good.

Keep coming.

Can I just take it off? No.

Shut up. Keep coming.

Really not liking this.

Well, but once you see
the surprise... keep coming...

You're gonna forget all about
being mad about the map.

That's what I'm saying: if the
goal here is to un-piss me off...

(barrel clatters)
Ow! What the...?



Sorry. "Go left"? Goddamn it.

Wait, hang on. Wait, wait, wait.

Wha...? What the...?

Ta-da!

What the actual goddamn shit?

Yeah, right? At
first, I was like, "Pff,"

but then I was like "Eh."

What'd you... What have
you done? Well, I used

all the ribs... they were
in pretty good shape...

The spans are the
toughest bamboo I could find.

I helped. Shut up.
Then, I covered 'em

with canvas sails and doped
the whole thing up tighter

than Dick's hatband.

Hey, whoa. Dick's hatband?



Dick's hatband?!
Yeah. I don't know.

People say that. Right?

You big dumb ox, you ruined her.

(crying): But-but I
thought you'd be happy.

Happy?

You thought I'd be happy?

I ought to... (plane whirring)

What the...?

(engine rumbling)

Come on, come on, come on.

Where are you?

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on, baby.
Come on. You can do it.

Don't let him in the slot.

(rapid gunfire)

(Archer yelling)

Come on, you fat Russian pig.

(Archer screaming)

Goddamn it.

Mmm.

ARCHER: Son of a... no.

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

(coughing)

Damn it. Goddamn it.

Eat a dick!

Wh... was... what was...

(mumbling): Was it...
PAM: Archer? Hey.

Hey. Huh?

Where'd you go, buddy?

Spain.

KRIEGER (laughing): Oh, man.

Is Spain not the best?

Come on, tapas?

♪ ♪

Archer?

Archer. Hey. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Snap out of it, bub.

'Cause, uh, we got company.

Huh? Wh-What? Wait. Where am I?

Right here with me and Crackers.

Ugh. Hey.

Question is, where were you?

Pam, it was the damndest thing.

All of a sudden, I
was back in Spain

getting shot down by
that son of a bitch Ziegler.

Yeah, so... (man laughs)

Which time? ARCHER:
(gasps) What the hell?

PAM: Yeah, so,
funny story. Ziegler?

Hello, Archer. (scoffs) You're
flying a garbage truck now?

No. I... wait. How are you here?

It is an incredible
coincidence, yeah?

Literally, incredible.

So does this place have a bar?

I owe you a drink; you
have made me famous.

(all laughing)

(speaking German)

Yeah. (speaks German)

This means "the reverse ace."

Because in Spain, I
shot him down five times.

We know. Plus, not
to mention his eye.

Then why did you?
(hums): I don't know.

And why the hell are
you here? Well, I...

I don't see how that concerns
you, Hauptmann Ziegler.

(speaking German)

Oh, so, hey, Archer, please,
let me buy you that drink, huh?

Come find me later.

Oh, don't worry. I'll find you.

(chuckles) Well,
that would be a first.

Man, so the guy

who shot you down
all those times...

Shot your eyeball
out... He shows up

on the same teeny, tiny island
halfway around the world?

I mean, what are the odds?

Literally, zero. Shut up, bird.

Eh.

So, you okay? Hmm?

Oh, (chuckles)
yeah. No, I'm fine.

I'm good. I'm totally
good. I'm, uh...

(shouts)

Damn it!

(chuckles) No. I
am good. I'm great.

'Cause I'm gonna kill him.

MALORY: All right, missy.

We need to have a little talk.

Now I don't know
what you studied

at whatever fancy-pants
finishing school you went to.

Finch. What?

I went to Finch?

No one cares, but can I assume

they didn't teach you
business management?

I don't know. Well,
now you are a business,

in which I've made
a major investment.

(scoffs) What? Bear
claws and brandy?

And a roof over your head.

And so far, you're not

making me any
money. Well, how can I?

Look at this place. There's
hardly ever anybody in here.

MALORY: Well, what about him?

Did you ask him about a date?

I asked them both. Seriously?

Ugh. I'll try again after
they finish that sherry.

I-I... I think she
was on the fence.

(gasps) Wait. What about him?

MALORY: Oh, no.

He is strictly off-limits.

And if I catch you sniffing
around... (glass breaking)

(shouting in German, laughing)

(speaks German)

(cheering)

What in the...?

Uh, parlez-vouz
francaise? English.

Good. Better. 11
liters of beer, please.

Uh, the first round is on me.

(men cheering)

And then they
pay for themselves!

(men booing)

Oh, do not listen to them.

Their pockets are
stuffed with back pay.

And they have not seen
a woman in months. Oof.

(clears throat)

Here. Take this down to
the shop, and tell Mr. Wong

you want the biggest jar
of coconut butter he's got.

Why?

Trust me.

PAM: Base a Rojo Tres.

Rojo Tres responde.

(radio static) Rojo Tres.

Rojo Tres.

God... Archer?

ARCHER (on radio): What?

PAM: You're Rojo Tres.

I thought I was Red Thr... Oh.

KRIEGER: Jesus
Christ. Shut up, bird.

PAM: No, you shut up.

And keep an eye peeled
for that son of a bitch Ziegler.

ZIEGLER (on
radio): Yeah. Wha...?

He could be anywhere.

(Ziegler laughing)

Goddamn it, Ziegler. You...

ZIEGLER: (laughs)
Adios, desayuno.

Ziegler!

(grunts)

(moaning, panting)

(moans)

Oh.

Ziegler.

(Cyril laughing)

CYRIL: It means
"the brick maker."

Ziegler. This is a
family name in German

for someone who makes bricks.

LANA: Mm-hmm.
(laughs) But in this case,

it has also another meaning

because he turns enemy
war planes into bricks.

Yeah. Other languages
have puns, too.

But not as powerful
as German puns.

Shh. And so, with Ziegler

and the other pilots providing

close air support
to the new soldiers,

nothing... not cannibals,

not those verdammt
lizards can stop us

from finding the idol!

Keep your voice down.

If my father hears you,
he'll cut your balls off.

(chuckles) Yeah. Right.

Like your bodyguards, huh?

No. Oh.

But until then, get back in here

and bring me some more...

Wiener schnitzel.

CYRIL: I, uh, still
need a bit more time.

Still? Ugh, what
is taking so long?

I must, uh, replenish
my lebenskraft.

LANA: Still, though.
Wait a minute.

You're not seeing
someone else, are you?

Don't be foolish.
(groaning): Besides,

what other women even live
on this gottverlassene island?

(laughing)

♪ It's a long way to Tipperary ♪

♪ It's a long way to go... ♪

What is the meaning of this?

The best I can tell...
It's about an Irishman

learning about
cunnilingus. Quoi?

Oh, sorry. That's when...

I know what it means! Really?

I mean, these German soldiers...

They have invaded
French territoire.

And my heart... if
I'm being honest.

What?!

If these big lugs
gamble and screw

as much as they
drink, I could retire.

Well, you may be
for sale, madame,

but the honor of France is not.

I shall place them
all under arrest.

(men continue singing)

Viens, Doudou!

Well, bonne chance with that.

(laughing) (singing continues)

Ah!

(men exclaiming, coughing)

Silence! Who is in charge here?

I think I am. Hauptmann Ziegler.

This island is French territory.

You and your men
are here illegally.

Oh, but we are
just here as tourists.

(laughter)

Well, then I hope you
enjoy the tour of my jail,

because you are all under
arrest. (overlapping chatter)

What? No!

Come on. We are just
some cool guys on leave,

and since France is so far away,
and you are so outnumbered,

can't you also
just be a cool guy?

No. Fair enough.

(speaking French)

(piano playing) ♪
Way to Tipperary... ♪

Tipperary. (scoffs)

It's a long way to
the goddamn ground

in a tired-ass Russian biplane

when you lousy krauts
are ripping around

in your brand-new
goddamn Messerschmitts.

PAM: Okay, Archer,

keep an eye on
your six this time.

Don't worry about me,
Pam. Today's the day.

I can feel it. I'm gonna...

Ziegler! (cackling)

ZIEGLER (laughs): Oh.

Oh. So now we're just camping?

(slurring): Higher top
speed, higher ceiling,

tighter turn,
better rate of climb.

So, big whoop. You
got a couple of kills.

It's easy when you
sneak up on people!

PAM: So again, and I really
can't stress this enough...

Don't worry about my six, Pam.

(laughing): Nobody's
gonna sneak up on me now.

(plane approaching) Oh...

Wait. Hang on.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(glass breaking)
(shouts) Ziegler!

(slurring): So drink
up, Ziegler, you rat dick,

because your night
cap is gonna be...

bullets.

First thing, I'm gonna
shoot your eye out.

And then, your dick off.

And then...

(metallic thudding)
(man groaning)

(groaning continues)

What the...?

What are you doing?
What does it look like?!

Uh... a hermit crab?

Idiot! Get me out of here!

I'm busy! Wha...?

(piano music playing)

What the...?

Oh, shoot! Aw, man!

What the hell are you doing?!

Well, we know you're sad,
so we're gonna surprise you

with a kringle. A what?

Kringle. Kringle.

State pastry of Wisconsin?
Wisconsin has a state pastry?

Kringle. Kringle.

Stop staying "kringle"!

Okay. Geez.

But... what are you
doing with your gun there?

I'm gonna go in there...

Actually, no. Wait.

You're gonna go in there,

and lure Ziegler in
here. That's better.

And I'm gonna
hide in the pantry,

and then I'm gonna bust
out and shoot his eye out.

And then, his dick off.

And then... his brains.

What?! Yeah, you
don't want to do that.

Yes, I do, Pam!
An eye for an eye.

That's right in the
goddamn Bible.

Yeah, but, come on.
That was a fair fight.

It wasn't fair! I
was in a biplane.

He was in a brand-new
goddamn 109!

Still, though. Yeah, but you
don't want to kill him like this.

It's... it's
chickenshit. (sighs)

You're right.

Goddamn it, you're right!

And so... I'm sorry for this.

Sorry for... oh!

Oh, what the shit,
man?! (gun cocks)

(gulps loudly) Shut up, bird.

KRIEGER: Hey!

Hey, wake up! Come
on. Rise and shine, Fritz.

(snoring) (sighs heavily)

(squawks loudly)
(shrieks) Jesus, what?!

What? Easy, easy.

I'm supposed to give you this.

How is this bird talking?

Right?

(reading in German)

Oh. Scheisse!

(flames roaring) Nein! Nein!

Nein! Nein! Nein!

(speaking German) Schnell!

So, hey... (laughing)

What would a gal
have to do to...?

(door slams) Jesus, rude much?!

I was gonna ask how
to get a ride out of here

on one of their planes.

Yeah, I wouldn't hold my breath.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't
be a talking bird.

Hey... (sniffing)

(sniffing)

(snoring)

There's a...

Was a... Where the...? Oh!

What the shit?!

ARCHER: Hey, sleepyhead.

Glad you could join us.
Why the hell am I in a...?

Ow! Christ on a
bike. My head kills.

(chuckles) Yeah, mine
did, too, to be honest.

Little hairy dog?

No, I... Wait a
minute. You hit me!

I lightly tapped you.

You piece of shit, you hit me!

Only because you
were right. What?!

I was gonna shoot Ziegler.
You may not remember this,

'cause you have a concussion,

but I was gonna shoot
Ziegler, but you told me

that was chickenshit, and so,

now we're gonna settle
it up here in a dogfight

in evenly matched
planes, man-to-man.

And woman! Well,

yeah, I needed
a tail gunner, so...

Goddamn it! And
so now's probably

a good time to familiarize
yourself with said gun.

Goddamn it!

'Cause if Crackers
did what I told him to,

it won't be long before...
ZIEGLER: Archer?!

Speak of the teufel...

Come on up, Ziegler. See
what it's like to fight somebody

fair and square...
(rapid gunfire)

Aah! Say your prayers, Archer.

This time I will put you
down once and for all.

Pam, get your
head out of your ass!

Me?! Your one job

is to shoot things
coming at us from be...

(rapid gunfire) Oh, shit!

Son of a...

PAM: What was that?

ARCHER: Nothing.

(indistinct shouting)

MALORY: I assume
this was Sterling?

Yup, yup, yup. Mm-hmm.

Putamierda! Goddamn it!

ZIEGLER: (laughs)
It doesn't matter

what you fly, Archer.

I will always beat you.

Oh, you couldn't beat...

Hang on. I had
something for the...

You want to save the
quips? It was pretty good.

(rapid gunfire)
Oh, wait. So's that.

(laughs) How you
like that, Ziegler?!

(laughs) Who taught
you how to shoot?

Your husband? (Pam laughs)

Will you shut up?
It was pretty good.

All right, Archer, I am
bored with this and with you.

Get ready to die.

Aah!

Um... okay.

(both speaking German)

Nein! Nein! Nein! Nein!

(speaking German)

What the...?

ZIEGLER: Archer!

Wooohoohoohoooo!! (laughs)

Holy shit! Did you see that?!

Yeah, I... I must
have hit his fuel tank.

Wait. What? Woohoo!

Million-to-one
shot, but I did it.

I finally beat Ziegler.

Yeah. Way to go.

(laughing) Right?

So now what? Can't go
back to the island now.

The krauts are gonna know
this whole thing was you.

You think I didn't think
of that? Don't worry.

I put Crackers on it.

What in the hell
is going on here?!

Well? Someone
had better tell me!

Uh, yeah, so, I
was here earlier,

and I saw the whole
thing, which was

Ziegler and the
other guy... Schnell...

Who, come to find
out, is his lover.

(men exclaim) Yeah.

So they stole the
other two planes,

and set this one on fire so
nobody could follow them

to Shanghai where they
plan to open a cabaret,

the unfortunately
named "Scandals."

(men exclaiming)

Ooh! Scandals!
That sounds fun, huh?

(overlapping chatter in German)

(giggles) Hi, guys!

You're bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed.

I'm surprised you can even walk.

What? Oh, God. No.

They were all so
drunk, they thought

that jar of coconut
butter was, you know, me.

(laughs) Oh.

(gasps) Oh. Well,

as long as you charged
everybody full price.

(chuckles) Right?

Then you should have a
lot of money to give me?

Ugh. About that...

I've decided that from now on,

I'm keeping all
of it. Excuse me?!

Yeah, because your cop
buddy lives in a barrel now,

and this stupid island is
under an occupying power,

all of whom are heavily armed,

and basically totally
in love with me.

Fur dich, Fraulein!

Aw! Oh.

So go make me some
goddamn breakfast.

(engine sputtering) ARCHER:
Besides, getting back

to the island is,
like, the one thing

we don't have to worry
about. Yeah, exactly, so...

Wait. What?

(engine sputtering)

Damn it! Well, the good news is,

at least it's a seaplane, right?

Well, I mean it was. What?!

Goddamn it! Goddamn it if you...

Oh, shut up. Come on. If
anybody can crash-land a plane,

it's me, right? Huh?

With all my experience? Pam?

Then get it over with!

Oh, okay. I guess just pout.

(wind whistling)

Pam? I am.

Okay, then here goes.

(Archer and Pam yelling)

(Archer groans)

(both yelling)

ARCHER: Woooohoohoooo!!

Bocadas de mierda!

And did you see that, Pam?!

Also perfect.

Who wins, huh? Archer wins.

Yeah. This is a win for you?

Not just for me, Pam.

For America.

And those hapless
Spanish communists.

Well? So now what?

So now, since we've
only got one flare,

I'm gonna shoot
their leader with it,

and then, when the rest of
them go into a feeding frenzy,

you and me are
gonna make a run for it.

What?! (laughs) I'm kidding,

you big dumb
idiot. (shoots flare)

(Pam sighs heavily)

You know... (Archer laughs)

MAN: Made in Georgia.