Archer (2009–…): Season 8, Episode 8 - Archer Dreamland: Auflösung - full transcript

Archer visits Dreamland and receives a big break that leads him to Woodhouse's killer.

♪ ♪

So, uh...

Shut up, everybody!

And what do you mean,
Mother killed Woodhouse?

Me? Yes, you!

Yeah. Duh.

Well, not, you know,

not her personally,

it was probably
that golem of hers.

(low, contented rumbling)

MOTHER:: Mr. Zerk. (growl)

It's obvious that Archer's

bungled this whole thing,

which means we need to
do a little... housekeeping.

Rgh? Mm-hmm.

And don't bring
back a dirty shovel.


(big yawn)

Oh, my God, if someone
doesn't bring me toast

I will literally die.

ARCHER: And how
do you know about this?

Oh, come on, everybody knows.

Your partner got in too
deep on his dope bill,

so she had that ape whack him.

If I find out you're
lying to me...

Why would I lie?

That bitch...

(chuckling) Well, you
know what they say,

you lie down with dogs,
you wake up with fl...

(breaks squeal) POOVEY: Jesus!

LANA: What! What's the big idea?

The big idea is

we're going to Dreamland,

and you're all
gonna stay tied up

until I find out the truth.

Who keeps this much
rope in their trunk?

Besides rapists?

Uh, mountain climbers?

Yeah, climbing up to their
mountaintop rape-shed.

Their what? How
would that even work?

Are the victims already
up there, or... (gunshot)

(short, startled reactions)
And the next person who talks...

(long ahem) Son of a... What?

No, I was... gonna
say rope salesmen.

(tires squealing)
POOVEY: Oh, God!

Anybody have a joke about socks?

No? Okay, I got one.

Um, "Sock sock."

And then you say "Who's there?"

(chuckles) Okay,
then, I guess just pout.

I-I don't understand.
Are you a cop?

(laughs) Uh, do
I look like a cop?

N-no... And yet!

(startled yelp) I'm
commandeering this vehicle!




So listen... uh, I don't wanna
tell you how to live your life,

but if I were you, I'd just
go ahead and jump out.

(terrified whimper/sob)

And I'd do it sooner rather
than... (opens the door)

(scream, cut short
by impact sound)

(chuckling) Later!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Double double,
toil and trouble...

Although if I'm being honest,

it's really no trouble.
I love my work.

Not as much as
you do, obviously.

Alright, once my
patient arrives...

(door creaks) Well,
speak of the devil.

I was just... Oh, damn
it, what do you want?



Rgh. (annoyed sigh)

Well, don't bring
it back dirty. Rrgh!

(speaks German)

Because it ruins it.

ARCHER: Now sit down!

Come on, I don't
have all goddamn day!

I mean I do, but...

(through sock): Mm
mmmf! Mmf mmfff mmf!

What? (in agreement):
Mmff! Mmf mmf! Rrmmfmf!

I can't understand a
word you're saying.

Mm mmmf! Mmf mmfff mmf!

Oh, my God.

What? Pfft, pfft.

I don't know, I didn't really
have anything, I was just...

Mmf mmmf! Mmf mmmf!


Pfft, pfft! Ptuh!
Pbbb! There! Happy?

MOTHER: What the hell

is going on here?

Aha! Aha what?

Aha, um, hang on...

Trexler? Why the
hell are you here?

I... Aha! Okay, I
got it now. Sit down.

I beg your pardon?

Sit down!

Well, somebody likes to
chew his cabbage twice...

Both of you! All right!

Rudolph the
Rude-nosed Reindeer...

Now then, would
you mind telling me

what it is you
think you're doing?

I think it might be some
kinda Hercule Poirot-type deal,

where he gathers
everybody in the parlor.

Have you lost your
mind? (chewing pills)

Actually maybe, I dunno, I
haven't slept in like a week

and I've been eating
dexedrine like candy, so...

(gasps) Are you
seeing tracers yet?

I... no, shut up.
What is this all about?

It's about you,
killing my partner!

What? Who told you that?

Trexler! Wh...
Trexler, you dirty liar!

Well, now, technically I said
your goon killed him, but...

We had nothing to do with it!

Oh, and I'm just supposed
to take your word?

You took his! Well?

Why would I have him killed?
Because he owed you money!

Okay, well think
about that statement.

Strangely illogical. Yeah.

It's not like he
was walking around

with the money in his belly.

Then why'd you send
me down to Long Beach

the night my office was robbed?

Burgled. Whatevered!

To spy on Trexler!
We're competitors! I...

Which is why, you
idiot, he's trying

to frame me for killing your
partner! TREXLER: (gasps)


Sue me! I got a half a mind to!

You've got half a mind,
period. And all the burns.

And if I could, I'd sue you

for hijacking my
truckload of whores!

That wasn't me, either!
Yeah, Poovey took 'em.

Goddammit. What?

Yeah, what? Oh,
don't play dumb, Figgis!

I'm not! I had no idea!

Or did he? Oh,
you son of a bitch!

Why ya throwin'
me under the bus?

I am gonna go buy a bus,
and literally throw you under it,

and then drive it back
and forth on your face!

See? Spoken like a true killer!

Oh, like you're one to talk! I
got three men in the morgue!

(chuckling) Again,
that was Poovey.

What? Goddammit! I mean...

POOVEY: Well, some
people need to get shot!

Case in point! Rrgh?

(explosion, startled
reactions to the noise)

(panting) Whoo! Hey, gang!

(chuckling) What's happening?

(reactions to Dutch's being
here) Are you kidding me?

How are you here?

Commandeered a vehicle.

I mean how are you still alive?

I dunno, I guess
just clean livin'!

A-and how did you
know we were here?

I didn't! No, no, this is just

an almost unbelievable

No, I'm actually just
here for my blue stuff.

Your what? Um...

So this is a little awkward.

But he's actually my
patient. (confused reactions)

I don't care what he is...
He's a goddamn robot!

Actually... Nobody
smashes up my club!

(whistles) (groans)

Mr. Zerk!


(chuckling) Okay, but we gotta

make this quick...


(startled/impressed reactions)

'cause I'm about a quart low.

A quart low on what?

This! He has to have it to live!

Yeah, so come
on, Doc, fill 'er up.

Will somebody...
Archer, shoot him!

What? No, he's
my life's work! Yeah.

Plus it doesn't do
any good. Look.

Owww! (Archer and Dutch chuckle)

Dammit, Archer! You
did that on purpose!

Come on. POOVEY: Seriously?

What're you doing?
Gettin' the hell outta here.

Wh...? No, you're
not! Well, ya say that...

Come on, man, jam it in there

so I can start killing
these shitheads.

(angry/fearful reactions)

What? No, no,
that's not what I...

Jam it! No!

I won't have you become

just another mindless
killing machine!

How, could you possibly
think you're the boss of me?

I'll show ya who's boss!

(groans) How ya like that?

Meh. Well, then how about this!

Oof! DUTCH: Woooooo!

Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on...

I'm going as fast as I can!

What about me? What about you?

Get me outta
here alive, all right?

And the ransom money,

we'll call it even. Yeah.

That's what you told Archer.
And look what good it did him!

Wait, wait, wait,
wait... Rrrraagghhh!

Ungh! Oh, my
God, that really hurt.

(chuckling) Look at you,
whining like your little buddy.

My what?

Yeah. The little
limey dope-fiend.

When I gut-shot him
and left him for dead.

What? (murmured reactions)

Aha! Probably on
Trexler's orders!

What, no! I didn't...

He didn't tell me to do it.


I did it just to see
his light go out.





Plus he cut me off in traffic.

You... Rrrnnnngh!

I'm sorry, what was that? Grrnk!

I couldn't hear you over the
sound of your Adam's apple

grinding against your spine.

Grrnk... No, still nothin'.

Hurry up!

Jesus, you people would stand

in a bread line
and ask for toast.

Wait, there's toast?

What? Why would there be toast?

Why wouldn't there
be? KRIEGER: Stop it!

Stop it! Don't you see?
You're better than this!

You don't have to be a killer!

You can use your power
for the good of all mankind!

Yeah, I could.

But I was a murderer before
you turned me into a freak,

so, I don't know why you thought

this was gonna have
a happy ending. But...

Now go make me some blue stuff!


Is... is that your final answer?

(gagging) Not if I have
to come over there.

(sighs) Well, I'm
very sorry to hear that.


(dogs barking and growling)

Oh, God! What is that?

What-what is that?

Sweet mother of God!

(panicked reactions)

Wait, what is this?

(screams) (dogs snarling)

Rrnk! Goddamn... rrnk!

(dogs snarling and gnashing)

Ugh. Now I don't even
know if I want toast.

Aaghhh! No, no, no!
Wait, wait, wait! Stop it! No!

(chuckling) Holy shit. Glad I
don't have a flashback for that.

Down! Down! Down! Goddammit,
do these muttz even speak Engl...

God! Jesus Christ!

(sniffs) Achtung!
Hunden! Aus! Aus!

Krieger? I don't... Hunden! Aus!

Oh, for the... Rrrrgh!

(startled yips)

(low menacing growls)

(tiny whispered
terrified reactions)

Why on earth would you do that?

They were ruining toast!

(low menacing growls)

Somebody do something.

(weary sigh) Well, I
already threw a chair, so...

Then you go do something!

(startled yelp)
Archer, shoot them!

No! They're all I have left!

(cat meows) You don't count!


(barking and growling)


Aus! Aus!

Rrrghh! Grrghh!
(snarling and gnashing)

(assorted reactions
to the fight)

(chuckling) Man, I don't
know who to root against.

They saved your life!

Still though.

(horrified reactions)


Rrrghh! Grrghh! (dog
snarling and gnashing)

(horrified reactions)


(a wail, followed by sobbing)

(crying) You, you saved my life!


And was it... Was it
because you love me?

Rrrgh. Oh, my God.

That is... without a doubt,

the saddest thing I
have ever heard. Rgh?

I mean, in what kind
of crazy dream-world

could we ever
possibly be together?

(Archer chuckling)

Jesus Christ.

Should've shot her when I
had the chance. Okay, well,

everything seems under
control here, so we'll just, um...

Uh, where do you
think you're going?

Yeah. With my
money! With my money!

Well, thanks a lot, T-man!

What? Drop the bag.

What did you call her?

T-man... Oh, hey, uh...

But-but it's not
what you think... Hey!

It-it means Treasury
agent... Hey!

Oh. Although right about now
I'm guessing she wishes it didn't.

Son of a... Treasury agent?

Look... No, you look!

(tense/wary reactions)

Hey, be careful, it's got a...

Zip it! I...

I can explain! Yes.

Please explain what
you've been doing

in my bar for the past year.

Because either you were
moonlighting as a singer

just to make ends meet
on a government salary,

or you were working
undercover to bring me down!

Or both! Dun-dun-dun!

Not helping! But if
I were undercover,

obviously my agency
would be in the know,

and so if anything
happened to me, you'd...


(groans) Lana! What
the shit, Mother?

I, I didn't mean to! This
damn thing's got a hair trigger!

That's what I was
trying to tell you! When?


Hair trigger my ass, gimme that!

(gunshot) Oh, shit!

(groans) Lana!

Man, that is a hair trigger.

Goddammit, Poovey!

How was that my fault?

La-Lana! Archer?

Shhh. You're gonna be okay.

Somebody call an ambulance!

Ugh. I already threw a chair.


I'm sorry.

Why-why-why are you sorry?

I got blood on you.

Well, I blew a load
on your dress, so...

(gunshot) Ungh! Poovey!

I'm sorry! I... (gunshot)

reactions) Poovey!

Goddammit! I... (gunshot)

Drop the goddamn
gun! Okay! (gunshot)

(angry reactions)

(long, weary sigh)

(scared whisper) Is she...

Yes! (big exhale) Whew!

What? What? I was
asking if she's okay.

(irritated reactions)

No, Poovey, she is the exact
opposite of okay! She's dead!

Because she got shot seven times

and nobody could
possibly survive that!

Not even in a parallel universe!

What the hell are
you looking at?

No, just... Okay, so she's dead.

Yes! She's dead!
Forever and ever!

On infinite (bleep) earths!

(speaks German)

Shut up! And gimme that!

Poovey, I'm giving
you half. Of the money?

Wait a minute! Are you nuts?

But you have to promise to set

those Chinese
ladies up in business.

Oh, my God, I've
got so many ideas!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

who says you get to
decide who gets the money?

John Moses Browning.

Well, news flash, Mister
Tough and Smart Guy,

you're out of ammo!

Wh... Get him!


(weary sigh) Goddammit.

What? What is it?

There's no money.

Just these weird German
nudie mags about sports and...

implied incest.

CECIL: There's no incest!

They're all just really
happy to be together,

and outside, and...

Well, and healthy. As a family.

Whatever. Now is not the time.

Oh, right. Sorry,
Father. Please continue.

(clears throat)
And do you, Cecil,

take Trinette to be your
lawfully wedded wife?


Ow! I do!

(weary sigh)

So, I guess I'll see you around.

And so that's pretty much
that, I guess. Vengeance-wise.

And I, I don't know
if you feel avenged,

or if that even matters to you.

Tell you what I do know,
is robot dogs? Jesus Christ.

And I know the case took a
long time, but like you always said,

I have a tendency
to get sidetracked.

Which, honestly, was
kinda shitty of you.

And the smart thing would've
been to read your envelope

full of clues and then start
rampaging, but... holy shit,

I wonder if that was your will.

Although I can't imagine
you having anything

that I would possibly want.

I mean, I'll swing
by your apartment

and take a look
around, but uh...

What else, what else? Oh,
I brought you some heroin.

Hopefully some kids
won't walk by and eat it.

Oh, and also, uh, a rock.

I didn't know if
you were Jewish.

We never talked about that.

I guess mainly because
you were so weirdly private.

But even so, Woodhouse.

Oh, I'm gonna miss
the shit outta you.

(deep sigh) All
right, I'll see ya.

I dunno, next week, or...

uh, you know what,
let's play it by ear.

What the... Hello?


Hey, where the
hell are you guys?

Hello? Hello? Wait, what's this?

(low mumbling)

(explosive sob)

♪ ♪

Made in Georgia.

Captioned by AMedia
Access Group at WGBH