Archer (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 1 - Danger Island: Strange Pilot - full transcript
Archer inserts himself into a domestic dispute and engine troubles threaten to ruin his business.
[Music]
[Pam sighs]
[Pam] He looks so peaceful, doesn't he?
Sometimes I wonder if he's dreaming.
But then I remember I don't give a shit.
[blows whistle]
[screams]
[screaming]
What the...?
[woman screams]
[Archer screams]
Who the hell are you?
[Crackers screaming]
[woman screaming]
Shut the f...
[blows whistle]
God...
[woman and Archer scream]
Hey!
[woman and Crackers screaming]
Goddamn it!
[gunshots]
[woman crying]
What is your problem?
- Patch. Patch. Eye patch.
- What... Son of a...
[crying continues]
[scoffs] Oh, thanks, lady.
Hang on.
Okay, there. Sorry.
[Crackers snickering]
Shut up, bird.
Why are you in here, dummy?
What...?
Because the frickin' fuel pump's
still hinky and we got that charter.
- That's tomorrow.
- It is tomorrow.
- I just said that.
- No, you...
- You've been drunk two days!
- Oh, right.
So I guess that explains why
you're here, naked lady stranger.
[crying]
But why the hell are you crying?
Buh... Buh... Buh... Buh...
Buh-cause...
[sloppy sniff]
...it's my ho... ho... ho...
honeymo-oooon!
[sobbing]
We got married?!
[chuckles] Jesus Christ.
[gasps]
[Title theme]
No, you idiot!
I got married to my husband.
- This is my honeymoon!
- [chuckling] Oh, thank God.
- For a minute there, I...
- I remember drinking champagne
in the bar, and then Whitney went off
to play roulette in the back room...
He just ditched you?
What a jerk.
- Yeah. Plus, Whitney.
- But then it all goes a bit fuzzy.
[jazz music playing]
[patrons chattering]
I think that patch is sexy
and I kinda want to
put my tongue in there.
[belches]
Oh, okay.
Oh, my God!
What have I done?!
Well, hopefully not that.
[crying]
[door opens in distance]
[man] Charlotte?!
[gasps]
That's him!
- Who's him?
- My husband!
- Duh.
- Right?
[pounding on door]
[man] Answer me this instant!
- You have to hide me!
- Uh, actually, I do not.
- Wh...? Are you...?
- Ooh! Here! Hide in here!
What the hell are you doing?
[pounding on door]
- [man] Charlotte!
- Oh, come on, don't be a dick.
[deep sigh]
- What?
- Yes, I'm looking for my wife,
Mrs. Charlotte Stratton?
Nee Vandertunt?
Redhead?
Kind of flibbertigibbity?
Oh, why, yes, as a matter of fact.
Closet.
- What?!
- Archer!
- [Crackers] C'mon, man...
- Charlotte!
What are you doing?
You're ruining everything!
[Charlotte screams; Crackers squawks]
Why the hell'd you do that?
What'd you think,
we're going to run away
and live happily ever after?
[objects breaking in distance]
I mean...
How could I ever trust her?
[Charlotte screaming; Crackers squawking]
You know, plus she obviously
- makes terrible decisions.
- I'll say.
- You'll say what?
- What.
- Goddamn it, Manu. If...
- [Malory] Sterling! [chuckles]
[groans]
Mama wants you.
Don't call her that!
Oh, I would just murder that.
- Me too.
- I meant sexually.
- I meant murder-ly.
- [Malory] Sterling!
What, Mother? Jesus!
What the hell is wrong with you?
Me? He's the one calling you Mama.
What?
No, not Manu, you ass.
- Shooting off a gun in my hotel!
- Oh. Oh, right, that.
- Oh. No, there was a rat.
- Snake.
- Rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.
- Goddamn it.
- Are you finished?
- Yes.
- [Stratton] Well, then, we are finished.
[door closes; object shatters]
And apparently so are the Strattons.
[Charlotte sobbing in distance]
But then I don't suppose
you'd know anything about that.
No, I was pretty busy with the...
- rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.
- Goddamn it!
- What?! [deep sigh]
- Right?
- I swear to God, if you can't learn to keep
- that thing in your pants...
- It was actually in a drawer.
...then you're going to have
to find a new place to live.
Wha...?
Where else can I live for free?
Oh, what, is that your point?
My point is, as the majority
stakeholder in Archer Airways,
I'd like to see
a return on my investment.
Ah, well, yeah, we all would.
- Sterling!
- And we got a charter.
- A what?
- [Stratton] A boat, you fool.
- I want a boat.
- Why, Mr. Stratton, you're down early.
- Would you care for some breakfast?
- Porridge.
- Uh, I'm sorry?
- Save your breath for cooling yours.
[both chuckle]
I want a boat to take me out to the
Clipper, and I mean this instant.
- But I don't understand. Are you...?
- And you!
I have half a mind to give you
the worst beating of your life.
All right, now.
You're obviously upset.
Yeah, you're talking crazy.
'Cause he's literally had
the shit beat out of him.
- 'Member?
- You know...
Well, then maybe I'll just sue him
for alienation of affection
and prosecute you for...
- pandering.
- What?!
Yeah, I don't think
any money changed hands.
- But if it did, it would be mine.
- Well...
Do you people think this
is some sort of joke?
- I will ruin you!
- Oh, all right.
- Manu, call the tender.
- Yes, Mama.
And quit calling her that!
- Why does it bother you so much?
- [stifled chuckle] Seriously?!
Now, while you're waiting,
perhaps you'd like to
settle your account?
I really do not get your sense of humor.
If you think I'm paying for
that so-called honeymoon suite...
No no, I was referring to
your marker from last night
at the roulette table.
[laughs]
Oh, all right, now that it is funny.
You want me to pay you
for what I lost
in your illegal gambling den?
[laughs]
[whistle blows]
Everyone out!
Zis hotel is closed until furzer notice!
How can you close me?
Upon what grounds?
I am shocked, shocked to find
- that gambling is going on in here!
- Oh, for...
Ha ha!
Not to mention adultery.
He seduced my wife.
Arrest him.
Monsieur, this is French territory.
Of course adultery is not illegal.
What about consensual buggery?
[gasps]
[clears throat]
Uh, asking for a buddy.
[Malory] All right, Reynaud,
cut the merde.
What do you want?
Well, we can start with my
winnings from last night.
- Fair enough.
- [Stratton] I beg your...
- Now, just a damn minute!
- Merci.
What?!
[Manu clears throat]
- The tender is waiting.
- No! I demand that
- you arrest her!
- You demand it?
- I most certainly...
- Doudou? Aide monsieur a bord.
[Stratton] What...?
No, I... Ow!
You people haven't heard the
last of Whitney Stratton IV!
Oh, I bet we have...
- Pastis?
- Mmm, un petit.
And then you can explain to me
why I hear gunshots
coming from your hotel.
- Sterling?
- Yeah, sorry.
- There was a rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.
- Pam!
- What?!
Whatever the reason.
Idiots!
I can assure you, that was the last time
you're ever going to hear...
[gunshot]
[all gasp]
[body thumps in distance]
[deep sigh]
[gulping]
[sniffs]
Alors.
What is wrong with you?
- Me?
- [squawks] She's crazy.
[gasps] I'm just trying
to calm her down, you know,
doing my thing,
and then out of nowhere,
the crazy broad grabs the gun
and tries to shoot me.
- Me, Crackers!
- [yells] Because why are you talking?!
How can a bird be talking?!
He is parrot.
Actually, technically, I'm a macaw,
which is actually a type of parrot,
so I-I'm technically
a parrot, actually.
- But I mean, technically, I'm, you know...
- Rambling?
I almost died, woman!
I know.
Here, get some of this down ya.
- I mean...
- [panting] But... But how?
- How can he do that?
- He's a parrot!
- [Crackers] Well...
- Shut up, bird.
He talks.
That's just how it is.
Don't make a big thing out of it.
- Don't make a big thing out of it?!
- See! She just flips!
- You destroyed my marriage.
- Hey, it takes two to tango.
And obviously, you guys
already had some problems, so...
You want to talk problems?!
[gulps and exhales]
Zut alors...
My marriage is ruined.
When my family finds out why,
they will disown me.
As will all of New York society.
I have no money,
no job, no skills,
and no prospects,
and it's all your fault!
And so right now, the only thing I want
in this world, besides for you to die
of some heretofore unknown
form of eyehole cancer,
is to get off this godforsaken island!
[boat-plane engine roaring in distance]
- [Charlotte] And... when does it come back?
- Ahem. Two weeks?
- [sniffs] And Whitney's on it?
- Mm-hmm.
[crying]
- Oh, come on now, it's not that bad...
- He has my passport!
- What do you mean?!
- I mean just that, it is impossible.
To get a passport, you
have to go to the consulate
in Papeete, on Tahiti.
- Well, how far is that?
- As the crow flies?
Ugh, crows.
On the supply ship,
it takes about a week.
- A week?!
- It makes other stops.
And it will be here in...
one month.
[sobbing]
[glass breaks]
Of course, it's only
three hours by plane.
Well, news flash, lady,
the plane just left!
Yeah, so, air travel's not
really an option here, Mother.
[gasps]
Well, now, wait a minute...
- Mother...
- Sterling, dear,
couldn't you just take
her in your plane? [groans]
- Your what?
- Hey, yeah!
- No, actually, Mother, I can't.
- Well, why ever not?
- Because! Uh, because...
- [Princess Lanaluakalani] Presumably...
because you can't tell time.
Her royal highness,
Princess Lanaluakalani.
- Latou te iloa.
- Votre Altesse.
Ah, Capitaine Reynaud.
Et pourquoi me parles-tu en français?
Parce que la langue officielle
de Mitimotu est français.
Oui, en ce moment.
Now, can someone please explain
to me why Mr. Fuchs and I
aren't sipping champagne
in the plane I chartered?
- Uh, well...
- For one thing, we don't do that.
- And secondly, Fuchs?
- Yeah?
Well, we could, and we're
happy to, Your Highness.
Or even... I bet we could
even mix you up some Bellinis.
- We have fresh peaches?
- No.
Then shut up!
The point is, Your Highness,
- my plane is your plane.
- Well, then...
What?! I don't care who you are,
lady, I've got dibs on that plane.
[clears throat]
Reynaud?
[Reynaud] I'm very sorry, madame,
but we have strict law against
vagrancy, and you have no money.
[grunts in frustration]
Alors, for your dinner,
one turnip.
[Lanaluakalani] You must be kidding.
[Engine sputters]
[Lanaluakalani] Are you
sure this thing can fly?
Oh, don't worry about ol' Lucy Goosey.
She may not look like much,
but that's... [engine backfires]
- ...mainly cosmetic. Flaps!
- Well, except for the fue...
- I just...
- Flaps, goddamn it, flaps!
Okay, Your Highness, as you requested,
we'll be making a big
loop around the island,
so just sit back and relax.
That is physically impossible.
Uh. Ja, zis is
not a good airplane.
I hope it at least has parachutes.
- There's actually only three, so...
- [yelps] Gott im Himmel!
Oh, yes, I talk. Get over it.
[jazz music playing over record player]
[Archer] No, Your Highness, I just meant
- it's kinda weird though, right?
- I think he's just reacting to the music.
- Thanks, you just defined dancing.
- Shut up, bird!
No, I mean, it's not a big
island, so the fact that
we've never run into each
other, kinda weird, right?
No.
And should you... be drinking?
[gulping]
- Yes.
- I...
So what's your story, Fuchs?
What brings you out here to Mitimotu?
- Er, uh, well, er...
- Breadfruit.
Oh, ja! I will make a plantation.
- A plantation? Where?
- Down there. On the island.
Creating many jobs for our people.
[chuckling] As what,
artisanal coffin builders?
- Was?
- Nothing.
Nothing but danger.
That jungle's stuffed
to the tits with quicksand,
ferocious baboons, poisonous snakes...
- Poisonous frogs.
- The frogs are poisonous?
- Mildly.
- Insanely. I mean,
you get hit by a dart
slathered with frog poison...?
- Will you...?
- A dart? From where?
- The cannibals.
- Please!
- What cannibals?!
- The...
- The Mua Mua! Man, they are...
- Simply a small native tribe
that has had very limited experience
with people from the outside world.
- Except as food.
- If you...
- Although compared to the dragons...
- What dragons?!
Oh. They're just extremely big lizards.
- You told me none of these dangers!
- Because the dangers...
aren't that dangerous.
And if Mister...
- [Pam] Archer!
- Thank you. If Mister...
[Pam] No, Archer, come here!
Like now!
- What's happening?
- Is there a problem?
[chuckles] No.
- What is your problem?
- It's not my problem, it's Lucy's!
- Her fuel pressure's dropping!
- Son of a... [music]
Why do you always do this?
I mean, I finally meet
someone I might like,
we're having fun,
getting to know each other,
I'm being super charming, but no,
I'm not allowed to be happy
because you're a big, jealous baby!
Oh. You're talking to me?
- Who else is there?!
- The fuel pump.
Oh, right.
Okay, I've got a plan.
[engines sputtering]
[Pam] I'm all ears.
- What is wrong?
- Was ist los?!
[Archer] Nothing, all good.
Have some bubbles.
Feather props!
Feather one!
Feather two!
[Fuchs] Nein! Let me go!
Okay, now let me see if we...
- We are going to die up here!
- No, we're not!
Yeah, it's the ground that kills ya.
- Thanks.
- Eh.
- But how can we fly with no engines?!
- The same way a bird does...
- Flapping around with hollow bones?
- [Archer] Shut up, bird!
We're gonna glide
right into a smooth landing.
Where?!
The island has no runway!
- The ocean is the runway.
- But... [startled yelp]
[Archer] Wh...?
No, no, no, no, no, no!
- [Pam] Well, it was.
- Goddamn it, Fuchs!
Ach! Why would someone put
the landing gear control there?!
Because they didn't
know you're an asshole?
- Get 'em up!
- Love to...
- But...
- Goddamn it!
- What?!
- We can't land on the water
- if the frickin' wheels are down!
- And if there is no runway...
Oof! What are you doing?
[Fuchs] Parachutes!
[Crackers squawks]
[Fuchs] Where are the parachutes?!
- Oh, for the... You pussy!
- No, he's right!
- What?
- [Fuchs] Ah-ha!
- You all gotta bail out!
- Oka atua!
Go on! I'll get us over land,
you get the princess in a chute,
get her down safe,
and get her home safe!
- What about you?!
- I'll try to bring Lucy down
easy in the water.
Go on, I'll be fine!
- No you won't!
- Just go, you big dumb ox!
Wow.
Okay, let's go, Your Fanciness.
[nervous, to self] Vater Unser im
Himmel, geheiligt werde dein Name...
Better pray I don't kick your ass...
- What do we do? What do we do?
- Well, the first thing
you want to do, is
take some deep breaths.
While you help her put that on!
You help her!
I'm getting... owwww!
Your fists are like...
Dosenschinken!
[chuckles]
Yeah, I get that a lot.
Hey! We don't have all day here!
Once we get below a thousand feet,
those chutes are
basically just laundry!
[Pam] Hang on, we're almost ready!
- Will you hurry up?!
- Will you shut up?!
- There! Happy?
- Not really!
Okay, you two! Jesus!
You can bitch on the way down.
- What is all that for?!
- Protection. [cocks gun]
We weren't kidding about that jungle.
[Archer] Come on, Pam,
it's now or never!
Let's go, people!
Move! Move! Move!
[Fuchs and Lanaluakalani screaming]
[grunts]
[grunts]
[Pam] Ow, my twat!
[relieved exhale] Good luck.
Except for you, Fuchs.
I hope you wind up as an entree.
Hey, Crackers?
Crackers, come here, buddy!
- Okay, so listen...
- Yeah, not great, huh?
No, no, not great.
I'm gonna do the best I can,
but we're gonna hit the water
- pretty hard, probably even flip over.
- Mm-hmm.
But there's a bunch of
life jackets in the storage locker,
so I want you to get in there
and hunker down, okay, buddy?
Hopefully that'll cushion the impact.
Oh. You're talking to me.
Wh...? Who else would I be...?
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- You can fly.
- Yeah.
So you're outta here.
- Is that weird?
- I mean...
Well, yeah, obviously it's
weird if you make it weird.
Okay, you know what?!
[blows striking and grunting;
Crackers squawking]
[Crackers] Aaaassshoooole!
Yeah, I'm the asshole.
[straining] Okay, Lucy!
Here we go! [dramatic music]
[grunting and groaning]
[Announcer] Next time on
Archer: Danger Island:
[screaming]
Fuel pump piece of shit!
Oh.
[Archer laughs]
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[Archer] Now who's the asshole?
Stupid bird.
[music theme]
[man] Made in Georgia.
NEXT WEEK...
[Pam sighs]
[Pam] He looks so peaceful, doesn't he?
Sometimes I wonder if he's dreaming.
But then I remember I don't give a shit.
[blows whistle]
[screams]
[screaming]
What the...?
[woman screams]
[Archer screams]
Who the hell are you?
[Crackers screaming]
[woman screaming]
Shut the f...
[blows whistle]
God...
[woman and Archer scream]
Hey!
[woman and Crackers screaming]
Goddamn it!
[gunshots]
[woman crying]
What is your problem?
- Patch. Patch. Eye patch.
- What... Son of a...
[crying continues]
[scoffs] Oh, thanks, lady.
Hang on.
Okay, there. Sorry.
[Crackers snickering]
Shut up, bird.
Why are you in here, dummy?
What...?
Because the frickin' fuel pump's
still hinky and we got that charter.
- That's tomorrow.
- It is tomorrow.
- I just said that.
- No, you...
- You've been drunk two days!
- Oh, right.
So I guess that explains why
you're here, naked lady stranger.
[crying]
But why the hell are you crying?
Buh... Buh... Buh... Buh...
Buh-cause...
[sloppy sniff]
...it's my ho... ho... ho...
honeymo-oooon!
[sobbing]
We got married?!
[chuckles] Jesus Christ.
[gasps]
[Title theme]
No, you idiot!
I got married to my husband.
- This is my honeymoon!
- [chuckling] Oh, thank God.
- For a minute there, I...
- I remember drinking champagne
in the bar, and then Whitney went off
to play roulette in the back room...
He just ditched you?
What a jerk.
- Yeah. Plus, Whitney.
- But then it all goes a bit fuzzy.
[jazz music playing]
[patrons chattering]
I think that patch is sexy
and I kinda want to
put my tongue in there.
[belches]
Oh, okay.
Oh, my God!
What have I done?!
Well, hopefully not that.
[crying]
[door opens in distance]
[man] Charlotte?!
[gasps]
That's him!
- Who's him?
- My husband!
- Duh.
- Right?
[pounding on door]
[man] Answer me this instant!
- You have to hide me!
- Uh, actually, I do not.
- Wh...? Are you...?
- Ooh! Here! Hide in here!
What the hell are you doing?
[pounding on door]
- [man] Charlotte!
- Oh, come on, don't be a dick.
[deep sigh]
- What?
- Yes, I'm looking for my wife,
Mrs. Charlotte Stratton?
Nee Vandertunt?
Redhead?
Kind of flibbertigibbity?
Oh, why, yes, as a matter of fact.
Closet.
- What?!
- Archer!
- [Crackers] C'mon, man...
- Charlotte!
What are you doing?
You're ruining everything!
[Charlotte screams; Crackers squawks]
Why the hell'd you do that?
What'd you think,
we're going to run away
and live happily ever after?
[objects breaking in distance]
I mean...
How could I ever trust her?
[Charlotte screaming; Crackers squawking]
You know, plus she obviously
- makes terrible decisions.
- I'll say.
- You'll say what?
- What.
- Goddamn it, Manu. If...
- [Malory] Sterling! [chuckles]
[groans]
Mama wants you.
Don't call her that!
Oh, I would just murder that.
- Me too.
- I meant sexually.
- I meant murder-ly.
- [Malory] Sterling!
What, Mother? Jesus!
What the hell is wrong with you?
Me? He's the one calling you Mama.
What?
No, not Manu, you ass.
- Shooting off a gun in my hotel!
- Oh. Oh, right, that.
- Oh. No, there was a rat.
- Snake.
- Rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.
- Goddamn it.
- Are you finished?
- Yes.
- [Stratton] Well, then, we are finished.
[door closes; object shatters]
And apparently so are the Strattons.
[Charlotte sobbing in distance]
But then I don't suppose
you'd know anything about that.
No, I was pretty busy with the...
- rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.
- Goddamn it!
- What?! [deep sigh]
- Right?
- I swear to God, if you can't learn to keep
- that thing in your pants...
- It was actually in a drawer.
...then you're going to have
to find a new place to live.
Wha...?
Where else can I live for free?
Oh, what, is that your point?
My point is, as the majority
stakeholder in Archer Airways,
I'd like to see
a return on my investment.
Ah, well, yeah, we all would.
- Sterling!
- And we got a charter.
- A what?
- [Stratton] A boat, you fool.
- I want a boat.
- Why, Mr. Stratton, you're down early.
- Would you care for some breakfast?
- Porridge.
- Uh, I'm sorry?
- Save your breath for cooling yours.
[both chuckle]
I want a boat to take me out to the
Clipper, and I mean this instant.
- But I don't understand. Are you...?
- And you!
I have half a mind to give you
the worst beating of your life.
All right, now.
You're obviously upset.
Yeah, you're talking crazy.
'Cause he's literally had
the shit beat out of him.
- 'Member?
- You know...
Well, then maybe I'll just sue him
for alienation of affection
and prosecute you for...
- pandering.
- What?!
Yeah, I don't think
any money changed hands.
- But if it did, it would be mine.
- Well...
Do you people think this
is some sort of joke?
- I will ruin you!
- Oh, all right.
- Manu, call the tender.
- Yes, Mama.
And quit calling her that!
- Why does it bother you so much?
- [stifled chuckle] Seriously?!
Now, while you're waiting,
perhaps you'd like to
settle your account?
I really do not get your sense of humor.
If you think I'm paying for
that so-called honeymoon suite...
No no, I was referring to
your marker from last night
at the roulette table.
[laughs]
Oh, all right, now that it is funny.
You want me to pay you
for what I lost
in your illegal gambling den?
[laughs]
[whistle blows]
Everyone out!
Zis hotel is closed until furzer notice!
How can you close me?
Upon what grounds?
I am shocked, shocked to find
- that gambling is going on in here!
- Oh, for...
Ha ha!
Not to mention adultery.
He seduced my wife.
Arrest him.
Monsieur, this is French territory.
Of course adultery is not illegal.
What about consensual buggery?
[gasps]
[clears throat]
Uh, asking for a buddy.
[Malory] All right, Reynaud,
cut the merde.
What do you want?
Well, we can start with my
winnings from last night.
- Fair enough.
- [Stratton] I beg your...
- Now, just a damn minute!
- Merci.
What?!
[Manu clears throat]
- The tender is waiting.
- No! I demand that
- you arrest her!
- You demand it?
- I most certainly...
- Doudou? Aide monsieur a bord.
[Stratton] What...?
No, I... Ow!
You people haven't heard the
last of Whitney Stratton IV!
Oh, I bet we have...
- Pastis?
- Mmm, un petit.
And then you can explain to me
why I hear gunshots
coming from your hotel.
- Sterling?
- Yeah, sorry.
- There was a rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.
- Pam!
- What?!
Whatever the reason.
Idiots!
I can assure you, that was the last time
you're ever going to hear...
[gunshot]
[all gasp]
[body thumps in distance]
[deep sigh]
[gulping]
[sniffs]
Alors.
What is wrong with you?
- Me?
- [squawks] She's crazy.
[gasps] I'm just trying
to calm her down, you know,
doing my thing,
and then out of nowhere,
the crazy broad grabs the gun
and tries to shoot me.
- Me, Crackers!
- [yells] Because why are you talking?!
How can a bird be talking?!
He is parrot.
Actually, technically, I'm a macaw,
which is actually a type of parrot,
so I-I'm technically
a parrot, actually.
- But I mean, technically, I'm, you know...
- Rambling?
I almost died, woman!
I know.
Here, get some of this down ya.
- I mean...
- [panting] But... But how?
- How can he do that?
- He's a parrot!
- [Crackers] Well...
- Shut up, bird.
He talks.
That's just how it is.
Don't make a big thing out of it.
- Don't make a big thing out of it?!
- See! She just flips!
- You destroyed my marriage.
- Hey, it takes two to tango.
And obviously, you guys
already had some problems, so...
You want to talk problems?!
[gulps and exhales]
Zut alors...
My marriage is ruined.
When my family finds out why,
they will disown me.
As will all of New York society.
I have no money,
no job, no skills,
and no prospects,
and it's all your fault!
And so right now, the only thing I want
in this world, besides for you to die
of some heretofore unknown
form of eyehole cancer,
is to get off this godforsaken island!
[boat-plane engine roaring in distance]
- [Charlotte] And... when does it come back?
- Ahem. Two weeks?
- [sniffs] And Whitney's on it?
- Mm-hmm.
[crying]
- Oh, come on now, it's not that bad...
- He has my passport!
- What do you mean?!
- I mean just that, it is impossible.
To get a passport, you
have to go to the consulate
in Papeete, on Tahiti.
- Well, how far is that?
- As the crow flies?
Ugh, crows.
On the supply ship,
it takes about a week.
- A week?!
- It makes other stops.
And it will be here in...
one month.
[sobbing]
[glass breaks]
Of course, it's only
three hours by plane.
Well, news flash, lady,
the plane just left!
Yeah, so, air travel's not
really an option here, Mother.
[gasps]
Well, now, wait a minute...
- Mother...
- Sterling, dear,
couldn't you just take
her in your plane? [groans]
- Your what?
- Hey, yeah!
- No, actually, Mother, I can't.
- Well, why ever not?
- Because! Uh, because...
- [Princess Lanaluakalani] Presumably...
because you can't tell time.
Her royal highness,
Princess Lanaluakalani.
- Latou te iloa.
- Votre Altesse.
Ah, Capitaine Reynaud.
Et pourquoi me parles-tu en français?
Parce que la langue officielle
de Mitimotu est français.
Oui, en ce moment.
Now, can someone please explain
to me why Mr. Fuchs and I
aren't sipping champagne
in the plane I chartered?
- Uh, well...
- For one thing, we don't do that.
- And secondly, Fuchs?
- Yeah?
Well, we could, and we're
happy to, Your Highness.
Or even... I bet we could
even mix you up some Bellinis.
- We have fresh peaches?
- No.
Then shut up!
The point is, Your Highness,
- my plane is your plane.
- Well, then...
What?! I don't care who you are,
lady, I've got dibs on that plane.
[clears throat]
Reynaud?
[Reynaud] I'm very sorry, madame,
but we have strict law against
vagrancy, and you have no money.
[grunts in frustration]
Alors, for your dinner,
one turnip.
[Lanaluakalani] You must be kidding.
[Engine sputters]
[Lanaluakalani] Are you
sure this thing can fly?
Oh, don't worry about ol' Lucy Goosey.
She may not look like much,
but that's... [engine backfires]
- ...mainly cosmetic. Flaps!
- Well, except for the fue...
- I just...
- Flaps, goddamn it, flaps!
Okay, Your Highness, as you requested,
we'll be making a big
loop around the island,
so just sit back and relax.
That is physically impossible.
Uh. Ja, zis is
not a good airplane.
I hope it at least has parachutes.
- There's actually only three, so...
- [yelps] Gott im Himmel!
Oh, yes, I talk. Get over it.
[jazz music playing over record player]
[Archer] No, Your Highness, I just meant
- it's kinda weird though, right?
- I think he's just reacting to the music.
- Thanks, you just defined dancing.
- Shut up, bird!
No, I mean, it's not a big
island, so the fact that
we've never run into each
other, kinda weird, right?
No.
And should you... be drinking?
[gulping]
- Yes.
- I...
So what's your story, Fuchs?
What brings you out here to Mitimotu?
- Er, uh, well, er...
- Breadfruit.
Oh, ja! I will make a plantation.
- A plantation? Where?
- Down there. On the island.
Creating many jobs for our people.
[chuckling] As what,
artisanal coffin builders?
- Was?
- Nothing.
Nothing but danger.
That jungle's stuffed
to the tits with quicksand,
ferocious baboons, poisonous snakes...
- Poisonous frogs.
- The frogs are poisonous?
- Mildly.
- Insanely. I mean,
you get hit by a dart
slathered with frog poison...?
- Will you...?
- A dart? From where?
- The cannibals.
- Please!
- What cannibals?!
- The...
- The Mua Mua! Man, they are...
- Simply a small native tribe
that has had very limited experience
with people from the outside world.
- Except as food.
- If you...
- Although compared to the dragons...
- What dragons?!
Oh. They're just extremely big lizards.
- You told me none of these dangers!
- Because the dangers...
aren't that dangerous.
And if Mister...
- [Pam] Archer!
- Thank you. If Mister...
[Pam] No, Archer, come here!
Like now!
- What's happening?
- Is there a problem?
[chuckles] No.
- What is your problem?
- It's not my problem, it's Lucy's!
- Her fuel pressure's dropping!
- Son of a... [music]
Why do you always do this?
I mean, I finally meet
someone I might like,
we're having fun,
getting to know each other,
I'm being super charming, but no,
I'm not allowed to be happy
because you're a big, jealous baby!
Oh. You're talking to me?
- Who else is there?!
- The fuel pump.
Oh, right.
Okay, I've got a plan.
[engines sputtering]
[Pam] I'm all ears.
- What is wrong?
- Was ist los?!
[Archer] Nothing, all good.
Have some bubbles.
Feather props!
Feather one!
Feather two!
[Fuchs] Nein! Let me go!
Okay, now let me see if we...
- We are going to die up here!
- No, we're not!
Yeah, it's the ground that kills ya.
- Thanks.
- Eh.
- But how can we fly with no engines?!
- The same way a bird does...
- Flapping around with hollow bones?
- [Archer] Shut up, bird!
We're gonna glide
right into a smooth landing.
Where?!
The island has no runway!
- The ocean is the runway.
- But... [startled yelp]
[Archer] Wh...?
No, no, no, no, no, no!
- [Pam] Well, it was.
- Goddamn it, Fuchs!
Ach! Why would someone put
the landing gear control there?!
Because they didn't
know you're an asshole?
- Get 'em up!
- Love to...
- But...
- Goddamn it!
- What?!
- We can't land on the water
- if the frickin' wheels are down!
- And if there is no runway...
Oof! What are you doing?
[Fuchs] Parachutes!
[Crackers squawks]
[Fuchs] Where are the parachutes?!
- Oh, for the... You pussy!
- No, he's right!
- What?
- [Fuchs] Ah-ha!
- You all gotta bail out!
- Oka atua!
Go on! I'll get us over land,
you get the princess in a chute,
get her down safe,
and get her home safe!
- What about you?!
- I'll try to bring Lucy down
easy in the water.
Go on, I'll be fine!
- No you won't!
- Just go, you big dumb ox!
Wow.
Okay, let's go, Your Fanciness.
[nervous, to self] Vater Unser im
Himmel, geheiligt werde dein Name...
Better pray I don't kick your ass...
- What do we do? What do we do?
- Well, the first thing
you want to do, is
take some deep breaths.
While you help her put that on!
You help her!
I'm getting... owwww!
Your fists are like...
Dosenschinken!
[chuckles]
Yeah, I get that a lot.
Hey! We don't have all day here!
Once we get below a thousand feet,
those chutes are
basically just laundry!
[Pam] Hang on, we're almost ready!
- Will you hurry up?!
- Will you shut up?!
- There! Happy?
- Not really!
Okay, you two! Jesus!
You can bitch on the way down.
- What is all that for?!
- Protection. [cocks gun]
We weren't kidding about that jungle.
[Archer] Come on, Pam,
it's now or never!
Let's go, people!
Move! Move! Move!
[Fuchs and Lanaluakalani screaming]
[grunts]
[grunts]
[Pam] Ow, my twat!
[relieved exhale] Good luck.
Except for you, Fuchs.
I hope you wind up as an entree.
Hey, Crackers?
Crackers, come here, buddy!
- Okay, so listen...
- Yeah, not great, huh?
No, no, not great.
I'm gonna do the best I can,
but we're gonna hit the water
- pretty hard, probably even flip over.
- Mm-hmm.
But there's a bunch of
life jackets in the storage locker,
so I want you to get in there
and hunker down, okay, buddy?
Hopefully that'll cushion the impact.
Oh. You're talking to me.
Wh...? Who else would I be...?
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- You can fly.
- Yeah.
So you're outta here.
- Is that weird?
- I mean...
Well, yeah, obviously it's
weird if you make it weird.
Okay, you know what?!
[blows striking and grunting;
Crackers squawking]
[Crackers] Aaaassshoooole!
Yeah, I'm the asshole.
[straining] Okay, Lucy!
Here we go! [dramatic music]
[grunting and groaning]
[Announcer] Next time on
Archer: Danger Island:
[screaming]
Fuel pump piece of shit!
Oh.
[Archer laughs]
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[Archer] Now who's the asshole?
Stupid bird.
[music theme]
[man] Made in Georgia.
NEXT WEEK...