Archer (2009–…): Season 9, Episode 1 - Danger Island: Strange Pilot - full transcript

Archer inserts himself into a domestic dispute and engine troubles threaten to ruin his business.


[Pam sighs]

[Pam] He looks so peaceful, doesn't he?

Sometimes I wonder if he's dreaming.

But then I remember I don't give a shit.

[blows whistle]

What the...?

[woman screams]
[Archer screams]

Who the hell are you?
[Crackers screaming]

[woman screaming]

Shut the f...
[blows whistle]

[woman and Archer scream]

[woman and Crackers screaming]

Goddamn it!

[woman crying]

What is your problem?

- Patch. Patch. Eye patch.
- What... Son of a...

[crying continues]

[scoffs] Oh, thanks, lady.
Hang on.

Okay, there. Sorry.

[Crackers snickering]
Shut up, bird.

Why are you in here, dummy?

Because the frickin' fuel pump's

still hinky and we got that charter.

- That's tomorrow.
- It is tomorrow.

- I just said that.
- No, you...

- You've been drunk two days!
- Oh, right.

So I guess that explains why
you're here, naked lady stranger.


But why the hell are you crying?

Buh... Buh... Buh... Buh...


[sloppy sniff]'s my ho... ho... ho...


We got married?!

[chuckles] Jesus Christ.

[Title theme]

No, you idiot!
I got married to my husband.

- This is my honeymoon!
- [chuckling] Oh, thank God.

- For a minute there, I...
- I remember drinking champagne

in the bar, and then Whitney went off

to play roulette in the back room...

He just ditched you?
What a jerk.

- Yeah. Plus, Whitney.
- But then it all goes a bit fuzzy.

[jazz music playing]
[patrons chattering]

I think that patch is sexy

and I kinda want to
put my tongue in there.

Oh, okay.

Oh, my God!
What have I done?!

Well, hopefully not that.

[door opens in distance]
[man] Charlotte?!

That's him!

- Who's him?
- My husband!

- Duh.
- Right?

[pounding on door]
[man] Answer me this instant!

- You have to hide me!
- Uh, actually, I do not.

- Wh...? Are you...?
- Ooh! Here! Hide in here!

What the hell are you doing?
[pounding on door]

- [man] Charlotte!
- Oh, come on, don't be a dick.

[deep sigh]

- What?
- Yes, I'm looking for my wife,

Mrs. Charlotte Stratton?
Nee Vandertunt?

Kind of flibbertigibbity?

Oh, why, yes, as a matter of fact.


- What?!
- Archer!

- [Crackers] C'mon, man...
- Charlotte!

What are you doing?
You're ruining everything!

[Charlotte screams; Crackers squawks]
Why the hell'd you do that?

What'd you think,
we're going to run away

and live happily ever after?

[objects breaking in distance]
I mean...

How could I ever trust her?

[Charlotte screaming; Crackers squawking]
You know, plus she obviously

- makes terrible decisions.
- I'll say.

- You'll say what?
- What.

- Goddamn it, Manu. If...
- [Malory] Sterling! [chuckles]

Mama wants you.

Don't call her that!

Oh, I would just murder that.

- Me too.
- I meant sexually.

- I meant murder-ly.
- [Malory] Sterling!

What, Mother? Jesus!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Me? He's the one calling you Mama.

No, not Manu, you ass.

- Shooting off a gun in my hotel!
- Oh. Oh, right, that.

- Oh. No, there was a rat.
- Snake.

- Rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.

- Goddamn it.
- Are you finished?

- Yes.
- [Stratton] Well, then, we are finished.

[door closes; object shatters]

And apparently so are the Strattons.
[Charlotte sobbing in distance]

But then I don't suppose
you'd know anything about that.

No, I was pretty busy with the...

- rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.

- Goddamn it!
- What?! [deep sigh]

- Right?
- I swear to God, if you can't learn to keep

- that thing in your pants...
- It was actually in a drawer.

...then you're going to have
to find a new place to live.

Where else can I live for free?

Oh, what, is that your point?

My point is, as the majority
stakeholder in Archer Airways,

I'd like to see
a return on my investment.

Ah, well, yeah, we all would.

- Sterling!
- And we got a charter.

- A what?
- [Stratton] A boat, you fool.

- I want a boat.
- Why, Mr. Stratton, you're down early.

- Would you care for some breakfast?
- Porridge.

- Uh, I'm sorry?
- Save your breath for cooling yours.

[both chuckle]

I want a boat to take me out to the
Clipper, and I mean this instant.

- But I don't understand. Are you...?
- And you!

I have half a mind to give you
the worst beating of your life.

All right, now.
You're obviously upset.

Yeah, you're talking crazy.

'Cause he's literally had
the shit beat out of him.

- 'Member?
- You know...

Well, then maybe I'll just sue him

for alienation of affection
and prosecute you for...

- pandering.
- What?!

Yeah, I don't think
any money changed hands.

- But if it did, it would be mine.
- Well...

Do you people think this
is some sort of joke?

- I will ruin you!
- Oh, all right.

- Manu, call the tender.
- Yes, Mama.

And quit calling her that!

- Why does it bother you so much?
- [stifled chuckle] Seriously?!

Now, while you're waiting,

perhaps you'd like to
settle your account?

I really do not get your sense of humor.

If you think I'm paying for
that so-called honeymoon suite...

No no, I was referring to
your marker from last night

at the roulette table.

Oh, all right, now that it is funny.

You want me to pay you
for what I lost

in your illegal gambling den?

[whistle blows]

Everyone out!
Zis hotel is closed until furzer notice!

How can you close me?
Upon what grounds?

I am shocked, shocked to find

- that gambling is going on in here!
- Oh, for...

Ha ha!
Not to mention adultery.

He seduced my wife.
Arrest him.

Monsieur, this is French territory.

Of course adultery is not illegal.

What about consensual buggery?

[clears throat]

Uh, asking for a buddy.

[Malory] All right, Reynaud,
cut the merde.

What do you want?

Well, we can start with my
winnings from last night.

- Fair enough.
- [Stratton] I beg your...

- Now, just a damn minute!
- Merci.

[Manu clears throat]

- The tender is waiting.
- No! I demand that

- you arrest her!
- You demand it?

- I most certainly...
- Doudou? Aide monsieur a bord.

[Stratton] What...?
No, I... Ow!

You people haven't heard the
last of Whitney Stratton IV!

Oh, I bet we have...

- Pastis?
- Mmm, un petit.

And then you can explain to me

why I hear gunshots
coming from your hotel.

- Sterling?
- Yeah, sorry.

- There was a rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.

- Pam!
- What?!

Whatever the reason.

I can assure you, that was the last time

you're ever going to hear...

[all gasp]
[body thumps in distance]

[deep sigh]



What is wrong with you?

- Me?
- [squawks] She's crazy.

[gasps] I'm just trying
to calm her down, you know,

doing my thing,
and then out of nowhere,

the crazy broad grabs the gun
and tries to shoot me.

- Me, Crackers!
- [yells] Because why are you talking?!

How can a bird be talking?!

He is parrot.

Actually, technically, I'm a macaw,

which is actually a type of parrot,

so I-I'm technically
a parrot, actually.

- But I mean, technically, I'm, you know...
- Rambling?

I almost died, woman!

I know.
Here, get some of this down ya.

- I mean...
- [panting] But... But how?

- How can he do that?
- He's a parrot!

- [Crackers] Well...
- Shut up, bird.

He talks.
That's just how it is.

Don't make a big thing out of it.

- Don't make a big thing out of it?!
- See! She just flips!

- You destroyed my marriage.
- Hey, it takes two to tango.

And obviously, you guys
already had some problems, so...

You want to talk problems?!

[gulps and exhales]

Zut alors...

My marriage is ruined.

When my family finds out why,
they will disown me.

As will all of New York society.

I have no money,
no job, no skills,

and no prospects,
and it's all your fault!

And so right now, the only thing I want

in this world, besides for you to die

of some heretofore unknown
form of eyehole cancer,

is to get off this godforsaken island!

[boat-plane engine roaring in distance]

- [Charlotte] And... when does it come back?
- Ahem. Two weeks?

- [sniffs] And Whitney's on it?
- Mm-hmm.


- Oh, come on now, it's not that bad...
- He has my passport!

- What do you mean?!
- I mean just that, it is impossible.

To get a passport, you
have to go to the consulate

in Papeete, on Tahiti.

- Well, how far is that?
- As the crow flies?

Ugh, crows.

On the supply ship,
it takes about a week.

- A week?!
- It makes other stops.

And it will be here in...
one month.

[glass breaks]

Of course, it's only
three hours by plane.

Well, news flash, lady,
the plane just left!

Yeah, so, air travel's not
really an option here, Mother.

Well, now, wait a minute...

- Mother...
- Sterling, dear,

couldn't you just take
her in your plane? [groans]

- Your what?
- Hey, yeah!

- No, actually, Mother, I can't.
- Well, why ever not?

- Because! Uh, because...
- [Princess Lanaluakalani] Presumably...

because you can't tell time.

Her royal highness,
Princess Lanaluakalani.

- Latou te iloa.
- Votre Altesse.

Ah, Capitaine Reynaud.
Et pourquoi me parles-tu en français?

Parce que la langue officielle
de Mitimotu est français.

Oui, en ce moment.

Now, can someone please explain
to me why Mr. Fuchs and I

aren't sipping champagne
in the plane I chartered?

- Uh, well...
- For one thing, we don't do that.

- And secondly, Fuchs?
- Yeah?

Well, we could, and we're
happy to, Your Highness.

Or even... I bet we could
even mix you up some Bellinis.

- We have fresh peaches?
- No.

Then shut up!
The point is, Your Highness,

- my plane is your plane.
- Well, then...

What?! I don't care who you are,
lady, I've got dibs on that plane.

[clears throat]


[Reynaud] I'm very sorry, madame,

but we have strict law against
vagrancy, and you have no money.

[grunts in frustration]

Alors, for your dinner,
one turnip.

[Lanaluakalani] You must be kidding.

[Engine sputters]

[Lanaluakalani] Are you
sure this thing can fly?

Oh, don't worry about ol' Lucy Goosey.

She may not look like much,
but that's... [engine backfires]

- ...mainly cosmetic. Flaps!
- Well, except for the fue...

- I just...
- Flaps, goddamn it, flaps!

Okay, Your Highness, as you requested,

we'll be making a big
loop around the island,

so just sit back and relax.

That is physically impossible.

Uh. Ja, zis is
not a good airplane.

I hope it at least has parachutes.

- There's actually only three, so...
- [yelps] Gott im Himmel!

Oh, yes, I talk. Get over it.

[jazz music playing over record player]

[Archer] No, Your Highness, I just meant

- it's kinda weird though, right?
- I think he's just reacting to the music.

- Thanks, you just defined dancing.
- Shut up, bird!

No, I mean, it's not a big
island, so the fact that

we've never run into each
other, kinda weird, right?

And should you... be drinking?


- Yes.
- I...

So what's your story, Fuchs?
What brings you out here to Mitimotu?

- Er, uh, well, er...
- Breadfruit.

Oh, ja! I will make a plantation.

- A plantation? Where?
- Down there. On the island.

Creating many jobs for our people.

[chuckling] As what,
artisanal coffin builders?

- Was?
- Nothing.

Nothing but danger.

That jungle's stuffed
to the tits with quicksand,

ferocious baboons, poisonous snakes...

- Poisonous frogs.
- The frogs are poisonous?

- Mildly.
- Insanely. I mean,

you get hit by a dart
slathered with frog poison...?

- Will you...?
- A dart? From where?

- The cannibals.
- Please!

- What cannibals?!
- The...

- The Mua Mua! Man, they are...
- Simply a small native tribe

that has had very limited experience

with people from the outside world.

- Except as food.
- If you...

- Although compared to the dragons...
- What dragons?!

Oh. They're just extremely big lizards.

- You told me none of these dangers!
- Because the dangers...

aren't that dangerous.
And if Mister...

- [Pam] Archer!
- Thank you. If Mister...

[Pam] No, Archer, come here!
Like now!

- What's happening?
- Is there a problem?

[chuckles] No.

- What is your problem?
- It's not my problem, it's Lucy's!

- Her fuel pressure's dropping!
- Son of a... [music]

Why do you always do this?

I mean, I finally meet
someone I might like,

we're having fun,
getting to know each other,

I'm being super charming, but no,

I'm not allowed to be happy
because you're a big, jealous baby!

Oh. You're talking to me?

- Who else is there?!
- The fuel pump.

Oh, right.
Okay, I've got a plan.

[engines sputtering]

[Pam] I'm all ears.

- What is wrong?
- Was ist los?!

[Archer] Nothing, all good.
Have some bubbles.

Feather props!

Feather one!
Feather two!

[Fuchs] Nein! Let me go!

Okay, now let me see if we...

- We are going to die up here!
- No, we're not!

Yeah, it's the ground that kills ya.

- Thanks.
- Eh.

- But how can we fly with no engines?!
- The same way a bird does...

- Flapping around with hollow bones?
- [Archer] Shut up, bird!

We're gonna glide
right into a smooth landing.

The island has no runway!

- The ocean is the runway.
- But... [startled yelp]

[Archer] Wh...?
No, no, no, no, no, no!

- [Pam] Well, it was.
- Goddamn it, Fuchs!

Ach! Why would someone put
the landing gear control there?!

Because they didn't
know you're an asshole?

- Get 'em up!
- Love to...

- But...
- Goddamn it!

- What?!
- We can't land on the water

- if the frickin' wheels are down!
- And if there is no runway...

Oof! What are you doing?

[Fuchs] Parachutes!
[Crackers squawks]

[Fuchs] Where are the parachutes?!

- Oh, for the... You pussy!
- No, he's right!

- What?
- [Fuchs] Ah-ha!

- You all gotta bail out!
- Oka atua!

Go on! I'll get us over land,
you get the princess in a chute,

get her down safe,
and get her home safe!

- What about you?!
- I'll try to bring Lucy down

easy in the water.
Go on, I'll be fine!

- No you won't!
- Just go, you big dumb ox!

Okay, let's go, Your Fanciness.

[nervous, to self] Vater Unser im
Himmel, geheiligt werde dein Name...

Better pray I don't kick your ass...

- What do we do? What do we do?
- Well, the first thing

you want to do, is
take some deep breaths.

While you help her put that on!

You help her!
I'm getting... owwww!

Your fists are like...

Yeah, I get that a lot.

Hey! We don't have all day here!

Once we get below a thousand feet,

those chutes are
basically just laundry!

[Pam] Hang on, we're almost ready!

- Will you hurry up?!
- Will you shut up?!

- There! Happy?
- Not really!

Okay, you two! Jesus!
You can bitch on the way down.

- What is all that for?!
- Protection. [cocks gun]

We weren't kidding about that jungle.

[Archer] Come on, Pam,
it's now or never!

Let's go, people!
Move! Move! Move!

[Fuchs and Lanaluakalani screaming]



[Pam] Ow, my twat!

[relieved exhale] Good luck.
Except for you, Fuchs.

I hope you wind up as an entree.

Hey, Crackers?
Crackers, come here, buddy!

- Okay, so listen...
- Yeah, not great, huh?

No, no, not great.
I'm gonna do the best I can,

but we're gonna hit the water

- pretty hard, probably even flip over.
- Mm-hmm.

But there's a bunch of
life jackets in the storage locker,

so I want you to get in there
and hunker down, okay, buddy?

Hopefully that'll cushion the impact.

Oh. You're talking to me.

Wh...? Who else would I be...?

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- You can fly.
- Yeah.

So you're outta here.

- Is that weird?
- I mean...

Well, yeah, obviously it's
weird if you make it weird.

Okay, you know what?!

[blows striking and grunting;
Crackers squawking]

[Crackers] Aaaassshoooole!

Yeah, I'm the asshole.

[straining] Okay, Lucy!
Here we go! [dramatic music]

[grunting and groaning]

[Announcer] Next time on
Archer: Danger Island:


Fuel pump piece of shit!


[Archer laughs]

[Archer] Now who's the asshole?
Stupid bird.

[music theme]

[man] Made in Georgia.