Archer (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 9 - Deadly Velvet: Part 1 - full transcript

The Deadly Velvet production is beset with chaos and destruction so the film's producer hires the Figgis Agency to discover what's behind the suspicious activity. The team's romances and jealousy complicates the investigation, and puts Archer in a difficult situation with Lana and Ms. Deane.

[Malory] Now, then, Mr. Crane,

tell us what the Archer
Agency can do for you.

- Well, I...
- Excuse me.

It's the Figgis Agency.

Cyril, please!
Stop interrupting.

Now, Mr. Crane,
how can we help you?

Well, I'm afraid that someone,
or someones,

is trying to sabotage my latest
picture, Deadly Velvet.

[door opens, shoes scuffle]

[chuckling] You mean
besides the critics?

Huh? We're still in production.

It's a joke.
Lighten up, Fritz Lang.

[clears throat]

And what makes you
suspect sabotage?

Well, as Lana can confirm...

Oh-ho-ho, so now it's "Lana"?

Uh, Miss Kane, rather,
who, as you know,

has recently begun working

on the picture as a
technical advisor.

There's already been
three accidents on-set

which were pretty suspicious.

A fire,
a camera crane collapsed...

Narrowly missing
several crew members.

And yesterday, there was
some kind of malfunction

with a stuntman's airbag.

That poor devil
may be paralyzed.

it certainly sounds suspicious.

But why come to us?
Why not the police?

- I...
- I don't know, Cyril.

Maybe he wanted to be
interrupted every five seconds.

I don't, actually.

And Ellis doesn't want
the police involved.

So now it's "Ellis"?

Yes, Archer.
It's Ellis. And Lana.

He and I are on a
first-name basis,

whereas you and
I are on a break!

Yeah, how you holdin' up?

- Pff.
- I'll take that as a "barely."

Take it however you want.

Already did, so...

- Could we...
- Cyril, I swear to God...

Ellis wants to hire the agency

to go undercover on the set.

[gasps] Ooh.

You could pose as
technical advisor.

I already am.

- Posing.
- The technical advisor.

And if someone is trying
to sabotage the movie,

- our job is to catch them.
- Discreetly.

If the insurance company
pulls the bond or, God forbid,

my investors back out,
I'll be ruined!

Don't worry, Mr. Crane.
We won't let that happen.

Put your faith in us.

[groans] I'm afraid I must.

We'll see you there
this afternoon.

should we get back to the set?

Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh?


- And, uh, how are you holding up?
- Pff.

All right, listen up.

As much as I hate,
hate, hate, hate...

to do this, a movie set is huge,

so we're going to need all of
you to go undercover, so...

- Yay!
- Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

[groans] So try to act
like professionals.

Professional whats?
What do we have to do, more work?

Well, I've tried to match the
various production departments

to your skill sets,
such as they are,

so Cyril... accounting.
Get into those books.

Find out who could
benefit from cost overruns

or delays in production.

And that is exactly what I was
going to tell myself to do, so...

Pam... craft services.

Goddamn it.

I'm the one who knows macramé.

And you're also
babysitting Carol.

Why do I need a babysitter?

Because they've
already had one fire.

[sighs] Then why not
just leave her here?

Because we've
already had one fire.

Now, then, Gillette...

Hair and makeup, hair and makeup,
hair and makeup,

hair and makeup,
hair and makeup!


Yes. Grip.

Goddamn it!

Ooh, what about me?
What about me?

you just sort of skulk around.

Oh, I will.

And I shall pose as
an executive producer,

which leaves Sterling.

Yeah, it leaves him right here
'cause I'll be damned

if I'm helping Lana's new
pretend boyfriend make a movie.

- Oh, that's too bad.
- Yeah, well...

I suppose you'll just have to be

Veronica Deane's new bodyguard.

- [gasps]
- [car horn blowing]

Let's go, you dumb idiots.

Well, one of you, anyway.

The rest of you,
I guess maybe carpool.

Luigi won't let anybody
ride in the cab.

I mean,
unless you're down for road head.


♪♪ [theme]

[Pam] ♪ Lunch, hot lunch! ♪

♪ You get it from
hot lunch Pam ♪

♪ Hot lunch! ♪

[Carol] Okay.
Jesus, why are you in such

an obnoxiously good mood?

Because that crazy dago

let me drive the truck,

so I was the road head-ee.

Yeah. Win for you.

Yep. Just one of the many
perks of having a C.D.L.

What's a C.D.L.?

Commercial driver's license.

And also a [bleep].

Ugh! You are so gross.

[chuckling] That's what he said.

But in Italian.

Who said what in Italian?

Don't ask. You'll gag.

I thought maybe you
dopes had stumbled

onto some sort of
mafia shakedown.

We've been here,
like, four minutes.

Anything suspicious so far?

Uh, just you?

What, I'm a flamboyant
Hollywood producer.

Not the world's
tiniest drag queen?


I said we'll keep you updated.

Well, you'd better, missy.

Holy shit,
did she just eat a grape?

Must be her cheat day.

[Archer] Man,
it really looks like the '40s.

This is weird, right?

Like the time Star
Trek went to Chicago.

Or Nazi Germany,
for whatever idiot reason.


What are you doing here?

Protecting my client

with my colleagues,
Smith & Wesson.

Oh, really, 'cause I'd
like to meet those guys.

Come on, stop.

First of all,
not a Smith & Wesson.

I know,
but I was going for the whole...

- Second of all, this.
- No, no, no, no, no.

[gun clatters]

Goddamn it.

What the hell, man?
I needed that.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.
This set is dangerous.

As dangerous as
you with a firearm?

Are you kid...

Shit's catching on fire.

Shit's falling on people.

People are falling on shit.
Like the ground.

Well, I think it's all just
a big dumb coincidence,

but even if it's not,
don't worry about... [gasps]

Veronica Deane.

Yes? Oh, hello, Alan.

Wait. That's why you're here?

Yeah, Crane hired us.

It's nice to see you again,
Ms. Deane.

I'm sorry. Have we met?

Oh, um, yeah.

I'm Sterling Archer,
private investigator.

You hired me.

Um, and then another time,

I protected you in
a hostage situation,

dressed as a clown.

- Is this not ringing any...
- Alan?

Apparently Ellis hired him to
protect you during the shoot.

Other than my ex-husband's refusal
to let me get on with my life,

the only thing I need protection
from is this clunky dialogue.

Thought I had a joke, but...

Mr... Archer, was it?

Yeah. We actually even kissed.

I'm sorry you've wasted your
time, but I can assure you

I have absolutely no need
for a bodyguard, so...

- [man] Look out!
- [gasps]

[people gasping, yelling]

You were saying?


[chuckling] Yeah, you were.

[man] Move those cans. Now!

Don't you break my cables!
Come on, people!

Move the cables! Careful!

Oh, for God's sakes, what now?

Looks like a runaway forklift.

[groaning] That, and I'm pretty
sure my ribs are shattered.

- Like breadsticks.
- Move those lights, you fools!

we're just hemorrhaging money.

- And speaking of hemorrhaging...
- What in the hell happened?

- A forklift.
- And a forkwad.

What's the big idea,
kicking my guts out?

When, just now?
When I saved your life?

- And mine.
- Oh, now...

Oh, please.

What's her problem?

How much time do you have?

[Carol] What is wrong with you?!

[grunting] What's wrong with you,

You killed it.

It was beautiful,
and you blew it out!

[screams] You maniacs!

You blew it out! Damn you!

Goddamn you all to hell!

What the hell, Tunt?

You leave me to craft all
the service by myself?

I smelled fire.

You mean smoke.

Uh, no.

Oh, I can't believe this.

Yes, it would appear your
"phantom" has struck agai...


Back to work, you...
you goldbricks.

All right, you heard the man.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!

[people chattering]

That's exactly the sort of rumor

I don't want you
spreading around.

Maybe this was just an accident.

Nah, somebody definitely
tampered with it.

The brake line's cut,
the steering wheel's tied off,

and the throttle linkage
is jammed wide open.

Yeah, I was gonna say...

linkage jam.

Says the man who pays

to have his Ferrari trucked
around on a flatbed.

And how much is
that costing you?

Actually, not much more
than just driving it,

when you factor in
all the repairs.

Plus no DUIs.

[chuckling] Well, fewer.

And shut up.

You wanna try and make me? Huh?

Now, listen here, you...
you rounder.

You keep a civil tone
here with Ms. Kane,

or I'll throw you off
this set so fast you'll...

you'll pass yourself going.

- Wait, what?
- You'll do nothing of the sort.

Archer is my bodyguard,

and if he goes, you can find
yourself another female lead.

And on the off chance you
plan to shoot anything today,

I'll be in my dressing room!

Archer? Shall we?

[chuckling] Yes,
we probably shall.

Damn it.

Yeah, well Ellis and I will
be in his dressing room, so...

shall we?

Actually, my dear, I need
to go meet with my investors

to cushion the blow about this,

as it were, so... hmm.

So, apparently, you shan't.

Oh, my God, jealous much?

[laughs] Jealous.

It's getting hard to tell the
kettles from the pots around here.

Well, usually,
kettles have whistles.

If that helps.


Hey, Malory,
do you have a minute?

What happened to "Ms. Archer"?

Well, technically,
they both work for me, so...

So you thought today would be a good
day to try on your big-boy britches

right in the middle
of a mystery?

That's my point.

I think I may have found a clue.

Well, all right, Cyril.

But you'd better just wind
in that neck, Mr. Man.

So, Archer...

would you say women,
on the whole,

found him attractive?

[chuckles] Which hole?

Because yes.

Albeit grudgingly.

[sighs] And sexually,
would you say...

[laughing] Which hole?

[clears throat] Sorry. What?

And would you say he's...

Like, is he good at plowing?

You know he's straight, right?

- I'm...
- Aww, Li'l Baby Elton...

I'm straight.

[gasps] Okay, hypothetically...

No, not... Wait...
Look, I'm in love with Veronica.

I have been since the first
time I laid eyes on her.

I'll never forget that moment.

It felt like I got kicked
in the chest by a mule.

Yeah, you don't forget
a hoof to the tits.

Or shooting your first mule.

[sighs] How many have you shot?

Hmm... two.

since she and Crane divorced,

I thought I might have a chance.


But now I'm worried she
might fall for Archer.

If she hasn't already.


I just need a moment to change

into something more comfortable.

But, please,
do make yourself at home.

Faites comme chez vouz,
as the French say.

Please, take your time.

Oh, and there should be a
bottle of champagne chilling.

- [bottle pops]
- ♪♪ [soft jazz]

So there is.

So you want us to
quit doing our jobs

to help you cockblock Archer?

Well, I... Wait.
Was that sarcastic, or...

- No.
- Then, yeah, I'd love that.


Enough to shoot a mule?

I mean, not that I think
it'll come to that.

[Malory] You lost me.

[Cyril] Which I think
is the whole point here.

I mean,
in all my years of accounting,

I've never seen
anything like it.

And I've seen some
pretty crazy stuff.

Treating deferred revenue
as earned revenue,

lapping, force balancing, uh...

All right, Cyril, I get it.

Yours is a world of
mystery and adventure.

But pretend I'm not HAL 9000.

Okay, the best I can tell,

the investors on this movie

will make more money if
production shuts down.

From the production insurance?

It's insured for triple what they
could hope to make at the box office.

But Crane was going on and on about
not wanting to lose the insurance...

Yeah, that's the proverbial rub.

The insurance bond
is actually reinsured

by a shell corporation
in Florida,

whose policy is reinsured by
a shell corporation in Panama,

and so on and so
on down the line

until... well,
I lost the trail in Liberia.

Pff. The Cousin
Oliver of Africa.

But the name of the
Florida shell company is...

wait for it... Sandhill-Crane.

So? Some panhandle trash-bird?

[sighs] Not that kind of crane.
Ellis Crane.

I think he's behind this company

and all these so-called

Which means he would stand to
benefit if production were shut down.

He'd make millions.

Pretty impressive detective work,
if I do say so myself.

And apparently I'm the only
one who's gonna say it, so...

Oh, get over yourself, Rain Man.

Sandhill-Crane could
just be a coincidence.

It's not enough
to prove anything.

No, we need to catch
Crane in the act somehow.

Maybe if we used
someone as bait.

Yeah, I don't know.
How would that even...

Where's Gillette?

Yeah, see?
When we feather it out like that,

it really frames your face.

And I mean,
with your cheekbones...

- [door opens]
- [gasps]

What the hell are you doing?


[Malory] All right, Cyril.

So if Crane really is
behind all these accidents,

the question is how
do we catch him?

Oh, you're asking me. Sorry.

I thought that was rhetorical.

Why would I be asking
rhetorical questions?

- Bec...
- That one was.

All right,
so what's the plan, guys?

How do we stop Archer from
hooking up with Veronica?


We could throw acid in her face.

Wh... Jesus.

What is wrong with you?

What? Then you swoop in
and take care of her,

and then slowly,
after many years,

she might fall in some weird
semblance of love with you.

I think maybe we can do better.

Okay, but the perfect is
the enemy of the good.


Ooh. How about I seduce her?

I don't think she's bisexual.

[scoffs] Who cares?

I bet she'd prefer the acid.

Hey, you know what?

What are you ninnies doing?

- Looking for acid.
- [together] No, we're not.

This is no time to be taking your
damn drugs, you hippie dropouts.

We think Ellis Crane might be the
one who's sabotaging the production.

Holy shit-snacks.

- Who's Ellis Crane?
- I knew it.

I mean, I didn't know it.
I had no idea whatsoever.

But now that you say it,
it makes total sense.

But what makes you
think it's Crane?

- Well, I...
- Doesn't matter.

Or it won't,
once we can catch him red-handed,

which is what we're
hatching a plan to do.

Ooh. How about I seduce him?

[sighs] Pam,
I doubt the man is bisexual.

[scoffs] Who care... Wait, what?

And even if he were,
he wouldn't want a blob like you.

I mean, when was the last
time you even saw your penis?


She knows you're a woman, right?

I thought she did.

Wait. You had sex with her.

but she was all tore-up drunk.

Oh, right.
Plus I was wearing a stra...

- Eww!
- What?

Don't ask. You'll gag.

[chuckling] She certainly did.

Who did what?

Seriously, don't ask.

But let me ask you this.

Do you think there's
anything about Archer

that women would
find to be a turnoff?

[laughs] Oh, you're serious.

Well, then, shit.
Where to begin? Umm...

And there is a bit of
a clock on this, so...

- Why?
- Well, he and Veronica

have been in her dressing
room for a while now.


And since apparently Archer's
penis is like a crack pipe...

What, in size and/or shape?

They said if he has sex with Veronica,
she'll fall head over heels for him.

Oh, they did, did they?


[exhales] Did you, um...


Hm. Me too.

[chuckling] Yes, I know.

Oh, right.

Sorry about the, uh...

- I think it'll come out.
- Phrasing. Still, though.

But as much as I'd love
to lie here and bask

in this post-coital glow...

Right? We've got champagne.

We're over the worst
of the stickiness.

I know,
but it's very nearly 3:00.

Really? That late?

Yes, almost exactly 3:00,

and I'm late for a
wardrobe fitting, so...

So I'll just wait for you here,

Um, sure.

I'm sorry I have to run,

but it's almost
the stroke of 3:00.

Yeah, you mentioned...

Mm, mwah. Back soon.

- And I'll be here, slowly drying.
- [door opens, closes]


Oh, man, I can't believe

I just made love
to Veronica Deane.

I wonder if this is how
Tenzing Norgay felt.

Holy shit, I wonder if this is
how Tenzing Norgay always feels.

[Lana] What, sticky?


You know,
we could just confront Crane

- with the evidence.
- The flimsy evidence.

Yeah, but maybe his reaction
would give him away.


All right. So we just barge
into his dressing room and...

ambush him!

Because you said
we were on a break!

So two days later,
your cock's wet?

Oh, I'm sorry, Lana,
is there a grace period?

- If there is, you neglected to tell me.
- There's an acceptable amount of time

before you start cramming
your trash dick...

You never bother to
consult me on anything.

And for your information,
this stupid break wasn't my idea.

It was yours!

Because you,
prolapsed rectum that you are,

are infatuated with
Veronica Deane,

whose cobwebby old snooch, by
the way, I can smell from here.

[chuckles] Well,
it's not cobwebby anymore.


[grunting, thudding]

- Lana!
- [Lana yelling]

So that's your plan.

- Yeah.
- In its entirety.


We just slam the
door open and say...

Don't do it!

He's riddled with clap!

[Archer] What?


[both panting]

[together] What?

I, um...

Man, you ever do that...

you walk in a room
and you forget why?

- [together] No.
- And what are you looking at?

Wow. It is kind of
like a crack pipe.

Will you idiots please leave so I
can beat this man's ass in private?

Oh, whatever.
I was beating your...

- [woman screams]
- [gasp]

Mother! Move, idiots!

- [Shapiro] Out of my way.
- [Pam] Follow that ass.

Mother, are you all right?

Why wouldn't I be?

I... I heard you scream.

That wasn't me. It was this one.

Well, it was very upsetting.

- [Shapiro] Whoa.
- [Pam] Oh, my God.

[Archer] Oh.
Yeah, that is pretty upsetting.

And what the hell
are you wearing?

I think technically
it's a loincloth?

Fashioned out of a
baby-doll nightie.


Well, I'm sorry, Mother.

I didn't know I'd be
going to a funeral.

I would've worn a black one.

[Dietrich] Okay,
people, uh, listen up.

This is now an active
homicide investigation,

and while the situation on the
ground may be somewhat fluid...

[chuckling] Fluid on the ground,
on the walls...

You shut up!

Shut your mouth, or I swear
to Christ in His heaven

I will personally frame
you for this murder!

Hey, bub, remember?

About the thing?

[clears throat] Please
disregard my previous statement.

Merely an ill-advised
attempt at levity.

Okay. And in light of
your various professional,

or, in some cases, personal
relationships with the victim,

at the present time,
you are all persons of interest.

[overlapping chattering]

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Calm down.

He didn't say "suspects". Yet.

But until we do
have a suspect...

Or suspects.

We are gonna have to ask you

not to leave town
without checking with us.

But that's ridiculous.

It wasn't any of us.
He hired us for protection.

What, like a protection racket?

No, you...

We think Crane was caught up

in some sort of insurance fraud,

all the way from
here to Liberia.

Okay, okay. And we're gonna
be looking into all that,

- but in the meantime...
- We've all got alibis.

Then you've got
nothing to worry about.

because they'll be easy to check.

We've got an exact
time of death.

But a time-of-death estimate

is only exact to within
maybe one hour, so...

Try one second, gnome-nuts.

[overlapping muttering]

The victim had a
defensive wound.

Bullet went right
through his Rolex.

[imitates gunshot] Exact
time of death, 2:14 p.m.

[overlapping chattering]

Well, my goodness,
what a relief.

No, I just mean...

Well, you know, the ex-wife,
a bitter divorce.

I'm sure I would've
been the prime suspect.

But I couldn't have
murdered Ellis.

I was with you, Archer.


Until almost the stroke of 3:00.