Archer (2009–…): Season 7, Episode 10 - Deadly Velvet: Part 2 - full transcript

Things get even deadlier on the set of Deadly Velvet when someone turns up, you guessed it, dead.

DIETRICH: And so, to reiterate...

HARRIS: Due to your various
relationships with the victim,

Ellis Crane, both
professional and personal...

DIETRICH: You are all persons of interest
in an active homicide investigation.


Wait. Can't you eliminate
us by testing our hands

- for gunshot residue? Hmm?
- Wha... Y-Yes!

Yes, we can.

And that's exactly what
we're gonna do, smart guy.

- So...
- Think you're so goddamn smart.

So we're gonna need everybody
to come down to the station,

so, uh, we can test your
hands for gunshot residue!

Yeah, hi. Alan Shapiro,
attorney for Veronica Deane?

- God, she is so great!
- Huge fan. Huge!

- Ohhh!
- Yeah. Super.

But my client will not be
frog-marched into a police station

like a common criminal before
God knows how many cameras,

every one of which was
tipped off by the LAPD!

I-I... Well, no. No. (COUGHS)

- We wouldn't want that.
- She will, however...

consent to the test being
conducted at my office.

Thank you. That's very accommodating.

Get a load of Obi-Wan-Attorney.

So, should we head there now, or...

No, let's say tomorrow. Elevenish?

- Elevenish it is!
- Looking forward to it.

- Are you kidding me?
- How is that fair?

- Why does she get special treatment?
- Because she is special.

- She's... a movie star!
- Yeah. Because she's special.

Well, I don't really want to go down
to the police station either, so...

Goddamn it! You will comply!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey hey...
It's all good, buddy!

She's comin' down to the station.

- Comin' down to the station, right?
- Uh, yup.

See? She's comin' down to the station.

Yeah! 'Cause I remember you, Lana Kane.

You're still on probation for the
gun charge and the stalking.

- It was a hamentashen!
- Yeah.

Well, you're not gonna "yummy Jewish
cookies" your way out of this one.

Ah! I couldn't have murdered Ellis.

I was in Veronica's dressing room
ripping Archer like a rented mule!

(LAUGHS) Oh, man, you never rent a mule.

- So wait a second...
- You lease that surly bastard.

- Shut up! So wait...
- Shut up!

So, your alibi is that you were
busy committing felony assault.

- Yes!
- She's a real menace.

Shut up, and they all saw me.

- I didn't.
- What?

Yes, you did! I was right there!

- Nope.
- You little...

- Shapiro! You saw me!
- Did I?

- What?
- Because what I don't see...

is how that helps my
client, Veronica Deane.

- (GASPS) - Huge fan.
- So great.

- Archer...
- Yes, Lana?

Would you care to tell the detectives...

that I couldn't have killed Ellis...

because I was busy beating your ass?

- I would love to.

- There. See?
- Unfortunately...

Goddamn it!

I must have gotten a
bonk on the noggin,

- because I can't remember anything!
- Ohahhh!

So, Miss Kane, you can ride with me...

I'll call a van for the rest of you.

And remain with you in a
supervisory capacity.

- Because. Whatever you do...
- You are not to wash your hands!


Yeah, so listen. The
whole thing about...

not washing our hands...

But, darling, they were so terribly
goopy from our love-making!

Which was so wonderful, darling.

Wasn't it just... so... wonderful.

Well, yeah. I mean, it almost always is,

both wonderful and goopy, but...

But, darling, surely you don't think
that I could have murdered Ellis?

- No! I mean... you know...
- After all, he was killed at 2:14,

and I was in here with you, until
almost the very stroke of 3:00.

Which you were extremely clear about.

And repeatedly, come to think of it.

- But there's no clock in here, so...
- What do you think...

about... Mexico?

Like, their extradition treaty, or...

No, you goose. As a romantic getaway!

Oh. Well, then, theoretically,
me gusto mucho.


I have a fabulous
bungalow in Las Caletas.

- Just down the beach from John Huston.
- Really?

Hmm. You could hit his
house with a coconut.

Which I've always wanted to do.

We could be there in four hours.

Is... But is now a great time,
or even a not very bad time?

What with the whole
murder investigation...

Oh, Alan can handle that.

But until all the fuss dies down,

we could swim in the ocean...

swim in tequila, dance naked
on the beach by firelight...

Prank John Huston with some coconuts...

Besides, it looks like that enormous
Lana Kane person is the real killer.

What? No, I-I shouldn't
have joked about that.

- I'll tell the cops she...
- She certainly had a motive.

I mean, my God, the
victim's jealous lover?

Yeah, hey, uh, you know what?
My hands are pretty goopy, too.

I'm just gonna pop out, give
'em a quick rinse, and...

Well, just use the sink here, silly.

- Uh, no. I have diarrhea, so...

Miss Deane? I have kind
of a fanboy request.

And you can't let those fans down!

- See, I... Oh.
- Yeah.

- I...
- I have diarrhea.

- You better not wash those hands!
- I won't!

- I'd like your word, please!
- You have it!

Great police work.

Seriously? What is it with
everybody washing their hands?

Exactly! I'm not going
to be the only chump

walking into that police
station with unwashed hands!


- We gotta wash our hands?

What? No! They said, "Don't wash them."

CAROL: Wait, what are we all washing?

Goddamn it, wash everything!

Geez! Make up your mind, America!

And I need to talk to you. Now.

MALORY: All right, Grabney Coleman!

(SIGHS) It's about the murder.

Oh, Sterling, I know exactly
what you're going to say.

- You do?
- And I know exactly what to do.

- You do.
- Sterling, it's me.

Of course I do, just like I knew
you were headed for trouble

the minute you laid your eyes
on that washed-up old crone.

Oh, for... She's like 50!

Also, maybe, a little a lot crazy.

- Oh, really? An actress?
- Who's crazy?

Nobody. Get out of here, Krieger!

- With your goddamn human breast milk.
- Okay! Geez!

And it's not human!

I don't know if that's better or worse.

Anyway, now I'm worried the cops might
actually think Lana did it, so...


Wait? Yeah. That's what she said.

Well, it's obvious. It's basically
right next door, for God's sake.

As if Los Angeles needed another minus.

Come... I don't know, mother.
Fleeing to Mexico?

It just kinda screams, "I'm guilty."

So, no one is technically fleeing,
because no one is under arrest.


So you're saying now would
be the best time to go? If...

If there could ever be a "best time"

to have your picture taken with a
donkey painted to look like a zebra.

Hmm, pretty sure those are real zebras.

- Typical.
- Who's a zebra?

Goddamn it, Krieger. I
told you to... Wait.

- How did you change so fast?
- Oh! Um...

Don't engage him! You need to be on the
first mode of transport to Mexico.

Don't even bother packing,
just grab a fake passport

at the office and go...

But first, wash your gunpowdery hands.

My... Wait. You don't think I did it?

- Wh... Who else?
- Veronica!

- Who's Veronica? - Jesus!
- What the...

Why are your frickin' cyborgs here?

Because we're getting 30
bucks a day as extras! Each!

- Who is?
- Well, get the hell out of here.

- All of you!
- No! Now wait a minute.

This could actually help you!

To do what? Open an Adolf E. Cheese?

Krieger, you have one of these
god-awful monstrosities

- for each of us?
- No!

- Maybe. Yes.
- There you go! You go to Mexico,

your robo-doppelganger takes the fall,

you come back after he gets the chair.

- Ohh...
- First of all, I didn't do it!

- I doesn't matter!
- I feel like it does!

- It's not always about you!
- Wha... And second of all,

there's no way one of
these damn "inepticons"

could pass the fricking Turing test!


Oh, they can totally
pass the Turing test.

What is that? A thing from Star Wars?

No, it's a test to see if a
machine's artificial intelligence

can convince a human that
the machine is also human.

Which they totally can. Go ahead.
Ask them anything about anything.

Ugh. Okay, uh, let's see.

What is love?

(ELECTRONIC STROKE) Batubatu... battery.




- Now I have to wash my hands again.

Goddamn it, this is classic Archer!

- Oh, yeah?
- He knows I didn't kill Ellis!

But he's so goddamn immature,
he thinks it's funny

to watch the mother of his
child hauled off to jail.

Which, by the way, is a
total waste of time,

because you are not gonna
find any gunshot residue

- on my hands.
- Uh, you never know.

No, actually, I do know, because...
I'm sorry...

- And that means what?
- What?

- You never know...
- Uh, figure of speech?

Oh, really? Because
from where I'm sitting,

which by the way is in
a black woman's skin,

in the back of a prowler
with no door handles

driven by a white cop,
it sounds like the LAPD

is gonna frame me for murder.

Like I said, "You never know!"

Oh, damn it!


You maniac! You blew him up!

Aw, damn you! Goddamn you all to hell!

Oh, give it a rest.

That'll do, Milkly, that'll do.

- And here. Hold this.
- Wait. What? No.

- I don't want to...
- Hold it! Hold it right there!

Man down! Man down! Man down!

Man? It's basically an appliance.

- What the hell happened here?

- What's happening?
- Don't y'all know?

That is what I'm trying to find...
Damn it, woman!

I thought I told you not
to wash your hands!

Yeah, I'm almost positive you did.

Okay. Nobody move. Nobody do anything.

In fact, everybody put your
hands in your damn pockets!

- All right, you heard the man.

- Let's go. - Whatever.
- Okay, okay.

- Ugh.

Hey. Yeah, I need you to come
back to the studio real quick.

No, the van's not here, but it looks
like we've got another homicide...

Uh, just in the very brief
time since you left, yes.

What are ya, shootin' 'em yourself?

How... Uh... Okay. Shut up.
I'm almost at the station,

just wait for the van, dummy.

Well, sweetheart, today just
might be your lucky day.

What? You're gonna park in
an alley, and let me go

- if I give you a blow job?
- Mmmm... no.

They made us quit doing that. There
was a whole big thing about it.

- Then why am I suddenly so lucky?
- Because it looks like...

- maybe the killer struck again.
- Ha!

Told you! Dumbass idiot cops!

So, how's it feel to be such an idiot?

Mm, I guess... almost like
there's a vast number of things

that can happen to you between
now and when you're released

from police custody, and
almost none of them are good?

Um. Point. Taken.

Let's go, folks. Nothing to see here.

- What on earth is going on?
- Because whatever it is, my client had

absolutely nothing to do with it!

Come on, beat it! 23 skidoo!

Hey! You need to get your
old, tiny, fake policeman ass

out of my space! I'm trying
to do real policeman shit!

Then arrest her! For murder!

You can't murder a machine!

Yeah, that's like the
first law of robotics.

No, it's the exact opposite of that!

Well, excuse me, Dr. Han Fastolfe.

- Too obscure?
- I mean...

The point is, legally speaking,

a murder victim has to be a human being.

- That is true.
- Besides, it's your word against mine.

No, it isn't! Because all my K-bots

have a digital recorder in their CPU.

You can't record me
without my permission!

That is also true. California is
a two-party consent state, so...

Actually, in California, you
can record a conversation

without the other party's
consent, if you believe

- it will collect evidence of a crime.
- Aha!

But you didn't know a
crime was going to occur

when you started recording!

Aha! But also, isn't the question moot?

Because that dude's CPU's...
totally dickholed.

Aha! But his CPU is working perfectly!

- And he witnessed everything! Copley?
- Yep, yep, yep!

Please rewind to Milkly's heinous
murder and play it back for us.

- All righty...
- None of this is admissible!

And more importantly, they're robots.

Accessing digit... al...

- Ba-Ba-Ba-Batter-r-ry l-l-l-low.


- Goddamn it!
- No-ho!


Aw, thank God. Okay. Gunshot
residue testing and the truth...

shall set you free!

Or not. But get in that van!

- With the exception of my client!
- Of course.

(LAUGHS) Absolutely. And
thank you for the autograph.

That was so great, and you're just...
so great!

And this is all a huge waste of time.

(CHUCKLES) Well, yes! Because
it's so totally obvious

that Lana Kane murdered Ellis.

Uh, hang on. Actually...

As a matter of fact, Mr. Shapiro will be

presenting you evidence of Miss
Kane's guilt tomorrow morning.

- He what? - Do what?
- I what?

- Isn't that what you told me?
- Uh, yes?

So, Detective. See you at elevenish?

Oh, yes. (LAUGHING) Yes.

So great. The rest of
you, asses in the van!

- You'd better do something.
- Let's go! Come on!

- Get in there!
- But, Veronica, what about Mexico?

We may not need to go, after all.

But the coconuts. The naked tequila.

- Can't we at least talk about it?
- All right, darling. Calm down.

Come to my house
tonight, and we'll talk.

Yo! Faceman! In the van! Now!

Okay. There's a nice way to do that.

See ya tonight.

- (SIGHS) Okay, is everybody in?

Okay, count off!

(IN UNISON) One...

Goddamn it. Would you go?

But, Veronica, what evidence?

- Well, my darling Alan...

I have a teensy-tiny
favor to ask of you.

PAM: ♪ Uh, 99 bottles
of beer on the... Ow! ♪


MALORY: Thank you.

(GILLETTE) My pleasure.


DIETRICH: Keep it down back there!

I swear, if I have to
pull this van over...


Whoa, that kinda hurt. (BONES CRACKING)

Is L.A. making me soft?

Or... softly awesome.

Like a haiku...



- Ho-ly shit.

(LAUGHING) Right? Come here.
What are we doing?

(IDENTICAL LAUGHING) Are we doing this?

We're hugging it out!

Hey. Are you up for a dangerous mission?

Am I? There is literally no
question I ever wanted to hear...

- more than that!
- Okay, cool.

- Have you ever had bourbon?

Have I... Ha! I wish to amend

my previous statement.

Okay, come on. I'll brief
you while we get ready.

Nghung. Wait.

Hang on a sec.

- Oh!

(CYRILBOT) Damn it, Archer!

Me and you... is this not the best?

It's got spinoff written all over it.

Gillette! Residue test. Let's go.

- Excuse me.

Do you have any idea how
long this is going to take?


At this rate, we'll be here all night.

Or forever, once Veronica Deane fakes
her whatever bullshit evidence on me.

Thanks to you and Archer, who
lied to the cops with her.

- Hope you're happy!
- Uh, duh... Free cornrows.

- Lana, Sterling feels awful about that.
- Phht!

Which is why he's out there right now,

working on a plan to trap Veronica Deane

so there's no need to worry.

ARCHER: Are you sure?

Yes! Trust me, it's a good plan.

It just kind of seems a little more
complicated than it needs to be.

No, it isn't. Shut up. It'll work.

Hmm. Also, why are we wearing tuxedos?

Exactly. Okay. Let's do this! (SNICKERS)

Oh, man. We're just like
the Wonder Twins, right?

I would take the form of, uh, an eagle.
What about you?

I guess... I don't know. Ice stairs?

Eh, Luigi! Piccolo aiuto, eh?


WOMAN: Do you... like it around the rim?

(CHUCKLES) I be... I beg your pardon?

Your margarita. Salt around the rim?

Oh. Sorry. Yes. More than you know.

Although, I have to say...

I prefer my margaritas
on the beach in Mexico.

Mm, yes, of course! And we'll dance
naked on the beach in Mexico...

after... Oh, my!

Is that a gun in your pocket,
or are you just glad to see me?

Oh! Uh, both. Sorry.

I'll just lay this right
here, on this table.

You were saying... Mexico? After...

Well, after they formally charge
Lana Kane with Ellis's murder.

- And... you think they will.
- Oh, I should think so.

Once they find her enormous
fingerprints on the gun.

- And you think they will?
- I... Archer, do you love me?

Oh, darling. Don't you know I do?

Well, then... in that case,

let's just say I have my ways.

Oh, sorry, Lana. You big sexy galoot.

Shapiro, that little rat.

Oh, it's not Alan's fault, darling.

He's doing it because he loves me.

And you live for that, don't you?

Making men fall in love with you?

Well, that's not a crime. Is it?

No. But murder is. And I know
you murdered Ellis Crane,

and you're going down for it!


I mean, really, darling.

Just how stupid do you think I am?

Hm. I guess slightly more than...



- Archer!


Good night, sweet prince.

"And flights of angels
sing thee to thy rest."

- Jesus Christ!

So, you're actually kind of nuts, huh?

But... But how?

Cyborg. I won't bore you
with all the details,

and science, which actually I
don't even understand, so...

So, all this time, you
knew that I killed Ellis.

Well, I suspected. All that
"stroke of three" stuff?

Then you were trying so hard
to make Lana look guilty?

Helped by Marlon Jerkins
over here, just because

I was mad at her... I mean, Jesus!

- I'm such an idiot.
- Oh, I wouldn't say that, darling.

You caught me, didn't you?

- Well, yeah, but...
- You knew that I was secretly having

all these shoots sabotaged,

because Sandpiper-Crane was
insuring the productions

for ten times what they could
ever make at the box office!

- Yes.
- Well, bravo, Archer. Bravo.

Well, wait! So Longwater was all
just a grubby little insurance scam?

Little? It was a massive insurance scam,

and also a re-insurance scam,

not to mention a stock
manipulation scam...

with a little help from those
odious twits at Stratton-Whitney!

Wait, what?

Their hedge fund shorted the
insurance company's stock.

- We made millions!
- (GUFFAWS) I mean, Jesus!

And all this time, I thought
it was just a sex tape!

Oh. That actually was a sex tape,

which I accidentally
recorded onto a disk

with some Longwater evidence.

Oh, well, that's just stupid.

As are you, Veronica,
you just confessed.

Yes, darling, but only to you.

Doesn't do you a bit of
good without a witness.

- Uh, dahoy?
- What, the robot?

No, not a robot! Again, I don't
understand all the science, but...

(LAUGHING) Robots can't
testify in court.

Oh, I know that. But wait. Hang on...

Plus, it didn't hear what I said,
because... spoiler alert...

- it's dead!
- Wait, but... Goddamn it!

So, no, Archer. I didn't confess.

Not to a crime, anyway. But I'm
afraid I do have to confess

that... ohh...

I really could have fallen for you.

- Really?
- My God, yes.

- But unfortunately... - (GUNSHOT)


- Goddamn it.

- Goddamn it!

Veronica! (GRUNTS) Veronica!

- Ow. Wha...

(COUGHS) Who puts a table there?


Archer? Archer.

- Archer!
- That would be Ms. Archer to you.

Oh! I'll make a note.

You're free to go. Actually,
you're all free to go.

- Really?

But I haven't even been tested yet.

You don't need to get tested,
they have a suspect.

- Veronica Deane.
- Ha!

- Geezy Petes!

This whole time, I thought Ellis Crane...
was the one behind all this.

Yeah, right up until he shot himself
through both the wrist and the face.

Anymahoo, apparently
she shot another guy.

Floating in her pool as we speak.

(GASPS) Sterling!


HARRIS: Well, what do you think?

DIETRICH: I think that in my next life,
I'm gonna come back as a movie star.

Yeah. Look out, gay porn.

- Rimshot.
- Yeah, that could be your name.

So what, some movie star lives here?

Yes. Veronica Deane. Don't you remember?

She's a person of interest in
the other murder we're working.

- No shit.
- Wait, what are you...

You were just questioning
her ten hours ago!

He was her alibi.

- You like her?
- As an actress, or for this homicide?

- Both.
- Loved her in Shanghai Moon.

- Oh, my God, that dress?
- Right?

But as for Tennessee Tuxedo
here, I want to talk to her.

See if she knows who tried
to weight him down...

with an ounce of lead. Found it on
the ground, over there by the table.

- Is it hers?
- Hard to tell with no serial number.

Yeah, probably why
they put them on there.


Hey, you should ask Veronica Deane
if her agent reps gay porn stars.

And maybe if she murdered this guy.

- Ah, you got a real knack for this.
- Rim Schott.

Yeah, you don't have
to say it every time.

No, as my gay porn name. Not bad.

- Let me through!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Hey, this is a crime scene!
- Hang on, hang on!

Sterling! (GASPS)



- Thanks. Thanks, assholes!
- Yeah. Yeah, right?

- Archer?


Bet she hasn't cried like
that since Prohibition.

- You little...
- Ow!

- Ow! Cut it...
- Had me worried sick!

Mother! Ow! Stop it. I
am gut-shot, woman!

By Veronica Deane, by the way,

and I will be... more than
happy to testify to that.

Damn! (SIGHS)

Any idea where she is?

Probably Mexico. Go to
John Huston's house,

- and start throwing coconuts.
- Which I've always wanted to do.

But... What? Okay, wait.
How are there two of you?

They've got robots. It's cool. We've
already been through all this. So...

- Okay, A: They're not robots.
- Nobody cares.

And B: they're obviously good
enough to pass the Turing test.

- Oh, totally.
- Whatever that is.

Okay, you're all free to go!

- Including you, Miss Kane.
- With our sincere apologies.

Yeah... Not accepted. But...

Speaking of... Archer,

is there anything you'd
like to say to me?

(SIGHS) Yes, Lana. There is.


What's happening? What are we doing?

Lana Kane...




Wait, what just happened?

Holy shitsnacks!

Wait. But if that's a cyborg...

That means... the man in the pool is...

MALORY: Ster-ling!


Wow! Suck it, Alan Turing!