Archer (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Archer Vice: A Kiss While Dying - full transcript

"Do ri me fa so la ti BLOW": As Cheryl trains to sing under Ray's tutelage, the rest of the team gather with them at Tunt Manor and attempt to run their new cartel. Pam takes a real liking to their product and Archer gets to revisit an old amigo.

ARCHER: Are you shitting me?

[WHIRRING] How can they do that?

And do you have to do
that right goddamn now?

I actually don't have to do it

[SIGHS] And so I ask
again, why are you?

[GRUNTS] How can
they seize my penthouse?

Well, A, they're the government,

and B, ISIS owned
that penthouse, so...

Since when?

Since this new
thing called always?

It never struck you as odd

that you lived there for 10 years
and never paid a dime in rent?

I just thought it was because
I banged the landlord's wife

when she dropped off the key.

But I realize now
I was mistaken.

Aw! What a scary
new feeling for you.

Not as scary as having to live

in Casa de Addams
Family with you two!

Ugh! No, I'm just working
here, not moving in.

I was smart enough to put
my apartment in Ron's name.

We all could've hidden our
assets if you'd warned us

we were about to be
arrested for treason!

Oh, for the love... How long are
you going to throw that in my face?

Probably at least
through the weekend.

Well, then you'll have
to throw it from Miami.

Wait, no, why? What's in...



Besides 90% of all mosquitoes
and Cubans on earth?

That sounds high.

A buyer for 20
kilos of our cocaine.

Okay, now you sound high.



And what did I say
about that horn?

Oh. You were serious?

Did I not look serious?

Well, maybe she couldn't tell,

because you seemed
pretty serious just now

when you said you
set up a drug deal.

How else are we
supposed to sell it?

It's not like we can
have a yard sale.

Yeah, Lana. Hello,
people would steal it.

I realize we can't
have a yard sale.

Plus it's illegal.

My point

is how did you, Malory,
possibly set up a major drug deal?

Oh, don't worry about that.

Kind of feel like I should.

Just worry about not
screwing up this deal,

because if all goes well, my
contact's people may buy the rest.

And the sooner
we sell this cocaine,

the sooner we'll
all be set for life.

And the sooner we can move out of
this enormous Gilded Age mansion.

Which... Where the
hell is Woodhouse?

In the pool.


I've finished!

Jesus Christ, how long
does it take him to move in?

And so, the sooner
you go to Miami...

Oh. I'm sorry, let
me eat 40 pounds

of coke-filled
rubbers and we're off.

Don't be ridiculous.

Hello, pregnant?

Dr. Krieger has devised a way to
transport the cocaine undetected.

Oh. You were serious?

God damn it!

Sometimes it's
hard to tell with you!

And since Carol
insists on keeping

Ms. Gillette here
as a voice coach...


♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti ♪

No, no, no, no! Again!

[IN LOW PITCH] ♪ Do... ♪

And also since he's crippled.

And also since he's crippled.



Will be going with you.

Kind of like the third
Musketeer, huh?

Kind of.

ARCHER: Hey, Pam, relax, breathe,
you're doing fine. [PAM PANTING]

But since that special
"plaster" in your cast

can totally be absorbed
through the skin,

you're probably gonna want
to try to minimize the sweating.

Yeah, just think cool thoughts.

Like eating mint
chocolate chip ice cream

in your refrigerated drawer...

At the morgue.



CHERYL: ♪ Do, re, mi, fa... ♪

RAY: No! Again!

My God, how I envy the deaf.

I hope you're a better
lawyer than she is a singer.

Uh, I'd have to
be. And I will be,

I'm pretty darn excited
to be practicing law again.

I mean, hopefully I won't have
to defend anybody in court...

But there's always a
district attorney to blackmail,

a witness to coerce,
a judge to bribe.

Bribe with what?

The government seized the ISIS
accounts, [CHUCKLES] we're broke.

Hopefully not for long.

And when that drug
money starts pouring in,

you'll be in charge
of laundering.


I'll start looking for a
Laundromat. What?

Money laundering, you ass!

Oh, you mean as a front,

because a Laundromat
is a cash-based business.

Why don't I just leave that whole
side of the organization to you?

Only if you promise to
periodically micromanage it

and emasculate me.


I would have thought
that goes without saying.

smells like a skunk ape!

Yeah, I'm hoping the
mattresses are just mildewy,

and not mildewy and
dead-hookery. [CREAKING]

No, not the room. These.

PAM: Casts smell bad
when you take them off.

It's a thing people know about!

Yeah, after six
weeks, not six hours!

So, listen, about this deal...

Hang on.

Pam, chop, chop, torso!

Ugh! This smells like a kennel,
but for dogs that are poor.

Archer! What? Smell it.

Shut up, look.

Your mother's got the time in
here, the place, price per kilo.

But there's nothing about her
contact, no picture, not even a name.

What if this person
is really a biker gang?

Who gives a shit? Hang on. Legs!

Lana, you and I, more me,

were two of the best
secret agents in the world...

We were rogues.

Potato, puh-treason, whatever.

But we've been up against
terrorists, assassins, the KGB,

the IRA, remember, North
Korea, cyborgs, uh, help me out.

Uh, space pirates?

Oh, my God, I forgot
about the space pirates!

But the point is we are
highly trained covert operatives

with an extremely dangerous
set of skills. Pam, legs!

And since the government has
unjustly accused us of treason,

we are now forced
to transfer those skills

from espionage

to criminal activity.

Kind of like The
A-Team, but we sell drugs.

And you're okay with that?

Are you not?

Lana, it's The A-Team
meets Scarface!

That makes me, uh...

Hannibal Montana?

What the... Pam? PAM: Huh?

God damn it, tell
me you're not... Pam!



ARCHER: Stop eating it, damn it!


Archer? PAM: He's okay!

He's okay, don't come in here,
don't come in here, he's okay!

Oh, shit.


What, I said don't come in here!

Ugh! No, Leon!

LANA: No, I'm
honestly not judging you.

Really, so this super-judgy
feeling I'm feeling

is just me feeling like you're
super-judgy and that's me?

So, um, are you
hearing your words?

[LAUGHS] Are you shitting me?

I can't hear anything over my...

To beat! [LAUGHING]
You're fired back up!


It's just we're, like, two days

into this whole
drug cartel thing,

and you're already
addicted to cocaine.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Okay, so I should take life
advice from an unwed mother?

With a dirty car?

PAM: Is he dead?


He looks dead. He's not.

I think he's dead. Pam!



PAM: Is he a zombie? LANA: Pam!

Sterling? Sterling,
can you hear me?

ARCHER: Ramon?


You two know each other?

Shut your hole, am I dying?

No, amigo.

But I'm so cold.

Oh! Um...

She insisted.

So we could unfreeze
you in the future,

once medical science had
developed a cure for head smash.

And you...

[SIGHS] Acquiesced.

She's all coke-strong.

So, yes, I am your
mother's contact.

After Fidel's hit
men tried to kill me...

Ugh, Charles and
Rudi, those dicks.

I wonder what
ever happened to...

Anyway, I go into hiding,

change my name,
buy this business

with some little money
I borrow from Mama...

Hey, how is your mother?




CHERYL: Jesus!
All right, already!

MALORY: Thank you.


So, she telephone me, ask if
I know some maybe people,

I say yes, I know
some maybe people,

and here we are.

And, sorry, you're getting
out of this maybe what?

Lana! He's helping
a dear friend!


And also how you
say, a finder's fee?

Five thousand a kilo. Oh.

Because I want
to buy that place.

PAM: Oh, man! ARCHER: Awesome.

Nice, eh? Is the
best club in Miami.

Uh, duh! You need investors?

Archer, what're you...

Lana, we're gonna
need an office in Miami,

and that office is gonna need
to be a red leather banquette!

Dios mio, that
would be increible!

You and me, together at last.

[LAUGHS] Implying that you two
haven't ever, cough, been together, or...

It was a mission, Lana!

Ramon's Latino, so he's
comfortable expressing affection!

It doesn't make him
gay! Although I am.

So go ahead, Lana, judge away!

PAM: Right?

Pam, shut up. And Archer, you
know better. I don't care about that.

What I do care about are
these buyers of yours, Ramon.

Who are they? Just some guys.

We'll go see them, they're
cool, don't worry about it.

Kind of feel like I should.

Lana, Ramon vouches
for them, I vouch for him,

and you're embarrassing me.


That's flour, by the way.

I know.

CHERYL: Don't you
think I know that?

know it's bad, I'm not ear-crippled!

Well, then maybe being a...

Not a. The number one country
music singer in all of America

and some of Canada!

Well, what if maybe
that goal's not realistic?

Or even unlaughable?


Get out!

ARCHER: Wait, seriously?

Yes, they were
very clear, no guns.

But... I gave mi palabra.

Right, sorry. Archer.

Lana, he gave his palabra!

[SIGHS] If anything goes wrong,
I'm holding you responsible.

Yeah, that'll teach me.


Hmm. Tough day, huh?

The high point
was getting shot at.

It's so weird.

I mean, she's a billionaire,
she could be anything,

a world traveler,
an art collector...

A transatlantic
goddamn balloonist!

So, why does she want to
be a country singer so badly?

Besides being clinically insane.


Here's to the crazy ones.




RAMON: That stinks!

It's not that bad!


I mean, it's not great, but...


This is still some primo shit.

Pam! Quit eating all
the goddamn cocaine!

CHARLES: Yeah, save
some for us, bitches!

ARCHER: Charles and Rudi?

LANA: Wait, the hit men?


It's okay!

Yeah, we're like
BFF's now. What?

Well... Or whatever.

Here's your fondue set, and
was there only one blue fork?

What the hell?

And how is that tone
necessary? Thank you.

[CHUCKLES] It's a fork.

And there were
two of each color,

and you know this as well as me

because we stood in
my kitchen and counted.

Oh! Well, then I
apologize, and I'll be happy

to throw in another $5.

$80. For a fork?

You can't buy
only one blue fork!

You have to buy the whole set!

Oh! That is... Okay.

That's... Okay, okay,
you know what? Fine.

We'll call it $1
million and $80!

Well, there is a
small problem there.

We agreed on 50 grand
a kilo! And 50 times 20...

I think we're probably a
little closer to 19 and a half.

Okay, a couple Q's,
I'd love some A's.

One, what the
hell is that thing?

Uh, we made a body
cast out of the coke.

But I tested it, it's very pure.

Hmm. Okay. Two, how can you eat

a pound of cocaine
and not be dead?

I've actually never felt better!

I hope that lasts.
Oh, I'm sure it will.

Okay, here's the
dilly and the sweets.

We're gonna round that
down to 19 kilos even,

so I'll just take back 50 grand.

Way to go, Pam.

And since the coke's in the
shape of a Poppin' Fresh costume

and taint sweaty, I'm
taking off another 50.

The hell you are!

Can I finish? Can I finish?

Since Ramon gave his word that
you people wouldn't bring any guns...

Hey, we didn't, not
even my underwear gun.

I gave mi palabra.

Well, that is just
terrific, because,

you dum-dums,
we're gonna go ahead

and take the cocaine
and the money.

God damn it.

And so, right about here is the
part where I hold you responsible.

Oh, my God, the burden.

[WHISPERING] Make sure
you take the fondue set...

Can I finish?

And I'll take the fondue set

because you were a
total B-hole about the fork.

It's not even real Le Creuset.

Right? Of course it's real.


Just because it's from the
outlet store doesn't mean...

Ramon! What?

Sterling, are you angry with me?

Wait, you don't
think this is my fault?

Sterling, please! This is loco!

No, Ramon, getting my stolen
money back isn't loco, it's...

Wait, what's the
word for rational?


God damn it. What was
loco was trusting you!

[GASPS] How can you say that?

To Ramon, of all people!

Look, I don't know what kind of
history you two have together, but...

History? What're
you trying to...

That's crazy, we
didn't even kiss!

Do you even hear
how crazy you sound?

Do you?

I don't know, yes, shut up.

Ramon, I'm sorry, but this
whole thing is kind of your fault,

so you're taking us to
wherever Charles and Rudi

are having a money
fight with our million bucks.

[CLICKS] A million and 80.

All right, uno rampageeo!

Okay, Lana...

Votes we cut our
losses and go home,

while reminding you,
seemingly unnecessarily,

that she is pregnant.

Oh, my God.

How long are you gonna
use that for an excuse?

Probably at least
through childbirth.


Oh. You were serious?

All right, I'm going
home, but... [SNORING]

What's her problem?

Uh... Scotch.

And also maybe
post-traumatic stress disorder

from listening to...



Yep, yep, yep!

But how is that possible?

I've got the whole
house wired up.

Bedrooms, bathrooms,
bathrooms, other bathrooms,

oh, the swimming pool.


I meant, ass... Ow!

How is she singing so well?

Probably because she
doesn't know anyone's watching.

You'd be amazed what you people
do when you think you're alone.

Cyril. What?

Damn it, Krieger, you...

Ow! Turn it up!


ARCHER: Oh, my God. This is
exactly how I pictured their house.

Oh, wait until you see inside,
Dios mio, they just redid the kitchen.


just because you have no taste?

LANA OVER RADIO: Or patience, so if
you could hurry up and get our money...

PAM: And cocaine
and cocaine, get the...



Oh, my God. Lana, Lana,

you know what I could
totally go for right now?

Some cocaine? Right?


Did I tell you?

Here, give me your gun.

Now push that
button, right there.

[GASPING] This is
the best kitchen ever!

Oh, mercy, thank you...

You know, if we
could go back in time,

there's a few
things we'd change.

God damn it. But
overall, we're pretty happy.

Even though it's
gonna be a bitch

to scrub your brains
out of the grout.

Charles, por favor!

You have your cocaine,
just give them their money!

Okay, sure, we've
got it right here.

Oh, great, yes,
and we've got about

a five-hour flight
home with Pam...



So can you throw
in a pound of coke?

I? I totally insist!

Oh. So, you're being facetious.

Extremely, yes.


A, the coke is gone. What?

What do you mean, gone?

Oh, it's not gone, gone,
just you-know-who has it.

What, Ramon? Who
is you-know-who?

Uh... You still get your cut,

'cause you-know-who says
good job on you-know-what!








Sterling. Dios mio,

I'm sorry.

Sorry, baby, sorry, baby, sorry,
baby, sorry, baby, sorry, baby.

PAM: Lana! Get cocaine!


Oh, Sterling, I'm so cold.

What, like hearted?

Ramon, what the hell,
was this all a scam, or...

No, no, I swear, it's
just muy complicado.

I am sorry, I cannot
explain right now.

Oh, really? Why, because
you're... [COUGHING]

Dying, right, sorry.

Take the money. God
knows you've earned it.

All I ask is one small favor.


[GASPS] Before I die...

Yes, Ramon, I'll do anything!

You name it, kid,
savings bond, a puppy,

breastfeed you senseless,

just forgive me for
what's about to happen.


LANA: So, um, quick question.

MALORY: Why the hell
were you kissing him?

LANA: With what
appeared to be tongue.

Because it was muy
complicado, Lana!

And the last wish
of a dying man!

Who you had a crush on.

No, I...

Just go smoke some menthols!

All right, Sterling, calm down.

My God, it's not as if I care.

As long...

As long as I brought
back the money!

Is that what you were
going to say? Yes.

And I don't have time for this,

I have a country
music star to manage.

CHERYL: Says you!

Says your contract, missy!

Read it! You read it!

God damn it.

And, I'm sorry, but the
money is where, exactly?

Um... In your
masturbators, you idiot.

Oh, [CHUCKLES] I'm the idiot?

I mean, historically.

Well, I'm not the one who sold 20
kilos of coke for Monopoly money!


counterfeit! Every last bill!

No! No way.

Son of a...

Sterling, you fool, was
this all just a huge set-up?

For what, Mother, a
funeral? They're all dead!

Yeah, but are they?

We got out of there in a

[SOBBING] Ramon!

Will you come on?

But the gunshots, all the blood.

LANA: Blood packs and blanks.

ARCHER: Even Ramon?

LANA: Especially Ramon.

I bet the whole
thing was his idea.

Aha! You're forgetting a
key piece of the puzzle, Lana!

They'd already stolen our
coke, and they had the money!

Why go to the trouble
of a fake shootout?

CHARLES: See what I'm saying?

But this way, we have 20 kilos of
pure, uncut, Colombian cocaine.

Holy shit, yes!

Which we had already stolen,
so we still would've had it!

Plus the counterfeit million
dollars, which now we don't have!

Like, 50 times I
tried to explain this!

Hmm. Yes, I see now
what you are saying.

Ta-da! Jesus, it's like trying
to explain particle physics to

a particle.

Aha! But this way, my way,

Archer thinks we are dead.

So he will never think to
come looking for us again!

It was still a stupid,

stupid, stupid,

stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid plan.