Archer (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Archer Vice: White Elephant - full transcript

After the FBI storms ISIS HQ, the team is charged with an alphabet soup of crime, including treason. Malory negotiates to secure the release of the entire team, but this entails giving up ISIS. Back at the HQ the team huddles; they fantasize, brag and "crowd resource." Archer asks a very important question then has a vivid idea via musical montage, which foreshadows the entire Season 5 of "Archer Vice."

Mom. Mom.

Was that a flashbang?

Sterling? Mom? Ow!

Do something!

What, I brought roses!

Jesus, Mother, it's just
your birthday, not the...

About that!

Oh! Duh.



"Lana." Ugh!

Not her birthday.

No, move! Get away from us!

Yeah, they're shooting at you!

Who? The storm-ninjas!

What? That's not a thing, idiot.

Oh. I stand corrected.

Son of a...

Bitches, I am pregnant!

Yes, who could forget, with the
bastard spawn of a total stranger.

Okay, first of all...

Cover your eyes and ears!

You're not the boss of me!

Meep. Meep.

What's that, Beaker?

Oh, my God, is
Beaker not the best?

Meep, meep, meep!

And wait, what's his,
uh... The name of... Brett!

No, no, no! Leave me alone!

Shut up. Who's
Beaker's boss? What?

Beaker's boss.

God damn it, I can't hear...


Well, he died
doing what he loved.

Getting shot.

Archer! Who the hell...

Shut up. It's on
the tip of my tongue!

What is?

Beaker's boss!


She meant who the hell are these
guys, you big, dumb idiot asshole!

Said the guy in a wheelchair!

What the... ARCHER: I
just frickin' got here, Ray!

How the hell should I...


No, no, no, no, no, no.

What, what are you... Oh.

Oh, boy.

FBI! Nobody move! FBI!

Second worst birthday ever.

What? How is this better
than your second fake 50th?

Oh, come on, guys,
we talked about this!

You're supposed to yell
"FBI" at the beginning.

After the flashbangs

but before Other Fat
Mike gets shot. Ow!

And what happened with getting
"FBI" on the fronts of the uniforms? Huh?

Ow! Huh?

Uh, what happened with "since when
the hell does the frickin' FBI get off..."

Sterling Archer? Yes! What?

I'm Special
Agent-In-Charge Holly,

and you are
extremely under arrest.

For what?

In addition to the attempted
murder of a federal agent?


Well, there's gonna be just
a whole bunch of charges,

but mostly treason.

Treason? What?
Archer, what'd you do?

Oh, no, not just him.
You too, Miss Kane.


Yeah. Everybody.
Especially you, Ms. Archer.

Is this about the
fake hydrogen bomb?


No, but let's put a pin in that.

This is about conducting
espionage operations for years

with no authority or
permission whatsoever

from the United
States government!

Wait, what? Mother!

Like, 50 times I
asked you about that!

And like, 50 times,
I lied. Sue me.

I want my phone call.

RADIO: Sir? It's like you said.

He's dug in there
like a tick and...


You'll never take me alive!

Okay, breach it.

Roger that.

On second thought, I'd very
much prefer to be taken alive!

Just let me clear the
old browser history and...

No, no, no, no, no.

Come on! Ooh!


I'm serious. You are
not putting those on me.

Mr. Archer, please turn around and
place your hands behind your back.

Or what? What are
you gonna do, taser...

Do me! Do me! Do
me! Do me! Do me!

I'm not tasering you, so just...

Do me!

Thank you.

Ew! Our tax
dollars hard at work.

Well, not mine,
obviously, but...

What's that?

Damn it.

Whatever, Cyril. I
don't care who you are.

When you get zapped with
50,000 volts, it's like, like...


And then it's like,
wave after wave

crashing over
you, into you, and...

Will you shut up?

You shut up. Let her talk!

You shut up! Make me!


All of you! Shut
your various holes

and listen to me very carefully.

Why, so you can
tell us more lies?

So I can save you
from life in prison!

Sorry, Ramona, I
know to you it's just

one big, sexy
briar-patch, but...

You know... Zip it!

That goes for all of you! And when
we get in there, you keep it zipped!

Because there's a chance
I can make this all go away,

but only if you people don't
try to save your own necks

by ratting out everyone else!

Damn it, trust me!
And say nothing!

You heard me, J. Edna...

Not one word.

Well, except for those three.

And then those five. And...

Archer! And that one.

I really shouldn't say anything.

I mean, unless you
can guarantee me...

Total immunity.

And I mean from everything.

Including anything you
find on my computer.

Or in my crawlspace.

Oh. And throw a bone into me.

Excuse me?

I said Ms. Archer had an affair

with the head of the
KGB for, like, 30 years.

Yeah, until he got blown up.

Which was actually my fault.

Because she was busy having
choke-sex with a murderous cyborg,

who then became the
new head of the KGB.

Until I built a sexier one
out of illegal Soviet parts

and a corpse.

There was no shortage of
dead bodies around ISIS!

One of which belonged to the
prime minister of goddamn Italy.

Oh, Jesus, I forgot about the...

Giant pot farm in West Virginia.

And this whole other
thing with the Yakuza.

Irish mob. Piracy.

White slavery.

No, actual piracy,
with like, boats.

I want to say Burt Reynolds.

Poaching alligators.

Smuggling Mexicans.

Defiling a corpse.

Defiling a different corpse.

Kidnapping the Pope.

Faking my own kidnapping!


Bumfights! You know, like
when you pay bums to...

Destroy an oil pipeline in...

I want to say Burt Reynolds!


Odessa. You know, the ratlines?

Where you make it look
like a murder-suicide, but...

Is it murder if they
were my own clones?

I'm seriously asking.

Oh. Because speaking
of sexual assault...

Which time?

Because for one of 'em,
I've got a pretty good excuse.

Can I stop you? Please?

That's what he said.


Geez, when you just list
everything ISIS has done,

it sounds kind of bad.

And so if I were you...

You'd get laid a lot more?

I'd start talking!
Everybody else is!

They're in there right now,
saying he's the brains behind ISIS.

Ha! Exactly, I...

Hey, screw you!

Screw you,

Mr. My Mother's a Lying Bitch,

and I'm Too Stupid to Realize
My Life's a Pathetic Joke!

Oh, nice to meet you,

Mrs. Hello My Kid's
From a Sperm Bank

Since I Can't Keep a Man

Because In Addition
to My Jillion Neuroses,

I Have a Weird-Looking Vagina!

Okay, knock it off! Hey!

I can't believe
they fell for that.

Miss what?

- Sorry. It's not that weird.
- Look... Lana!

Thought you were gonna shoot me.

Day's not over.

And seriously, Lana,
sorry for what I said.

Then that's where you say... Ow!

Goodbye, Archer.

Where do you think you're going?

Not to jail with you
and your mother!

Well, you know, we
can ask the judge...

You know prisons
aren't co-ed, right?

Oh. Okay, we
gotta get out of here.

We? There is no
we anymore, Archer!

Well, there's this we.

Uh... Oh, shit.

Yeah, you're gonna
be a great mother.

I could start
smoking crack today,

and he'd still turn
out better than you!

And why is that? Because
I never had a father, Lana.

So why don't you shut up
and then also marry me?


I'm serious!

We can go underground,
get new identities,

and spend the rest of
our lives together, Lana.

We'll be a family!
You, me, the baby,

and your
not-that-weird-looking vagina!

Okay, don't take
this the wrong way,

but I would rather
lose the baby.

Uh... Uh...

Okay, that wasn't... I didn't...

Excuse me.

Jesus Christ,
come on, you idiot.

"I have read this statement, each
page of which bears my initials,

"and I do hereby certify..."

"that the facts herein are true and
correct, signed Pamela Poovey."

"Cyril Figgis."

"Raymond Q. Gillette."

"Algernop Krieger."

"Cheryl and/or Carol Tunt."

Now, I would like a
ride home, please.

Preferably in an
Apache helicopter.

And I believe there was some
mention of throwing a bone into me?

What are you talking about?

A penis in my vagina.

Or wherever, but
come on, chop-chop.

I gotta go start
enjoying my immunity.

Yeah, you said
immunity. I didn't.

Dukes! God!

Damn it!

So is that a "no"
on the Apache, or...

Oh, my God, okay,
so this ditz... Oh.

Now who's the ditz, huh?

Would you just come on?

I'm seriously asking!

Aw! But look at him...

All tied up like a sexy
little Christmas ham!

And can I just go
on record as saying

I think this an
extremely bad idea?

You know what's
a bad idea? Prison.

Because spoiler
alert, they're unisex!

Hello, best part.


Oh, Clyde? Clyde, is that you?

It's me, dear, Mrs. J.
Edgar Hoover's mother!


It's open, ma'am.

Nobody move or...

What the hell are you doing?

Getting us out of here!

I've already done
that! Let him go!

And you'll just have to put
that on my, whatever, crime tab.

No, no, no, no, no,

taking a federal agent
hostage is a separate charge.

Oh. Well, then perhaps we
should get him back on the phone.

I don't... There's no
need to bother the...

Look, if you'll just sign
this form... Doo-doo-doo.

"in lieu of criminal prosecutions
for doo-doo-doo treason,

"I hereby forfeit
ISIS headquarters,

"and also agree to
permanently cease and desist

"any and all ISIS operations..."

Or face a mandatory sentence of

life in federal prison
without parole!

"Signed, Malory Archer."

Oh, my God!

No! Uh-uh! Nope!

Because correct me if I'm wrong,

but that entire document is
completely unenforceable!

I correct you. You are wrong.

For God's sake, Sterling,
it's the government.

Even if it weren't
legal, they'd enforce it.

Hey, save it for four-ninths
of the Supreme Court.

Oh, shut up.

And unless there's
anything else?

Uh, just this, releasing
the Bureau from any claims

relating to the death of your
employee, Brett Bunsen?

Oh, my God! What?

Beaker's boss!

Bunsen frickin' Honeydew!



Oh, that was
figuratively killing me.

I can't believe they're
taking our building.

Screw the building.
What about our jobs?

Oh. And our health insurance.

Which I'm pretty
sure I'm gonna need.

I'll be your doctor.

Well, if I want Hitler's DNA
spliced into him, I'll give you a call.

Yeah, I'm around.

Well, as for me, I think I'll
start shopping my memoirs.

How does the title
Secrets and Silk grab you?

Tightly, by my
childhood's throat.

Oh, you're just jealous.

Yeah, jealous of
my fallback career.

As what, an actual acorn?

As America's number
one country singer!

And kudos, but
for the rest of us,

trapped in the
realm of possibility...

I'm gonna be bigger
than Mac Davis,

and Mac Davis
can totally suck it!

And you can all suck it,

because I am gonna
play professional lacrosse.

Okay, even if that
were a real thing...

Is it not?

You are way too old.

I am not... Oh, my
God, I am way too old.


hope I'm not too old to get
back into underground fighting.

Darn, all those
jobs are awesome.

And by awesome,
you mean delusional.

Because it's gonna
be hard to go back

to an accounting
firm after this job.

Especially after Mother
gives you a shitty reference.

Mother, do that.

I meant it'll be boring.

Although, I guess I could always

go back to being
a defense attorney.

When were you ever a lawyer?

Lana, we had long
talks about this.

How I went to night school
to pass the CPA exam

because I was so burned out defending
scumbags as a public defender?

Numerous long talks!

With me? Oh, for...

Well, don't come crying to me
when that fatherless kid of yours

buys a gun and steals a car, and
he tries to run, but he don't get far!

♪ In the ghetto...

Where Mac Davis sucks it!

You done?

Are you done?

Again, seriously asking.

Yes. So I guess we should talk
about the elephant in the room.


What are we gonna do
with literally, not figuratively,

a ton of cocaine.


Oh, come on!

What, Lana, we
must be talking...

Wholesale? Uh...
Fifty, sixty million?

Wholesale. So what,
we form a cartel?

Well, how hard
could it be? I mean...


If Mexicans can do it...

Fifty million dollars, Lana.

We sell this, and
we're out. I promise.

Dr. Krieger has devised a way to
transport the cocaine undetected.

You're probably gonna want
to try to minimize the sweating.

We are gonna go ahead and
take the cocaine and the money.

What do you mean "counterfeit"?

The Yakuza?


Well, Pam screwed the Yakuza out
of a million bucks of amphetamines.

So now they're
gonna cut her head off.

♪ Baby, please don't go

Get down!

♪ Baby, please don't go


Yeah, this is actually a
little harder than I thought.

Because I don't fly.

So we've only got 24
hours to drive to Texas?

Did you tell anybody we were
hauling a shit load of coke?

♪ Well, your mind done
gone Left the county farm

Take me with you!

Outlaw country! Whoo!

Honey, you're
number 14, nationwide!

How about a big ol' country
welcome for Cherlene!

♪ Before I be your dog
Get you way down here

♪ Make you walk alone
Baby, please don't go

Incredible! I must
meet this woman!

What do you think is gonna
happen when three gringos waltz in

and start asking
around for the woman

who runs the entire Cali Cartel?


Are you sure you cannot
make love to me just once more?

Not without a blood transfusion.

Very well!

♪ Baby, please don't go


♪ Baby, please don't
go Down to New Orleans

♪ You know I love you
so Baby, please don't go

You're doing the exact thing
you promised me you wouldn't!

I was kidding!

♪ Before I be your dog

♪ Before I be your dog

Welcome to San Marcos.

♪ Before I be your dog
Get you way down here

♪ I'll make you walk
alone Baby, please don't go

So, couple of things...

God damn it. Did
you fart in that?

You know how I feel right now?

My baby is leavin'
on that midnight train,

and I'm cryin'.

Suppressing fire!

God damn it, Cyril!

You're running out
of options, Archer!

I want Archer dead!

♪ Baby, please don't
go Down to New Orleans

♪ You know I love you
so Baby, please don't go

I think you just stumbled
backwards into a CIA arms deal.

They kidnapped Cherlene!


We just started a frickin' coup!

♪ Before I be your dog
Get you way down here

♪ Make you walk alone
Baby, please don't go, yeah! ♪

Archer! My water just broke!

All right now!

And, for what it's worth, I'm
pretty sure I just invaded Laos.

And, Chi, I swear to God,

mention the compass again
and just see what happens.

Archer Vice!

What? Nothing.

Shut up.