Archer (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - The Honeymooners - full transcript

[MENDELSSOHN'S
"WEDDING MARCH" PLAYING]

LANA: What do you
think you're doing?

ARCHER: My job, Lana.

And what part of your job
exactly is groping my ass?

The part that
calls for spy craft.

Come on, we're
posing as newlyweds...

Yeah, posing. And I'm
drunk on nuptial bliss.

You're drunk on champagne.

Little column A,
little column B.

[LANA GRUNTS]

Fine. But when
you take my hand off



your lately almost
overly ample butt...

Odd choice of dying words.

I don't question your
commitment to the mission,

I question your
commitment to America.

Instead of feeling
me up in the lobby...

Wait till we're in
the room. Got it.

Let's focus on the mission.

Catching the North
Koreans who are in New York

to buy enriched uranium.

Can't we do both?
Can't you shut up?

Can't you put a
price tag on freedom?

I mean, you can't put
a price tag on freedom.

Always never forget that.

Here's your key for
the honeymoon suite.



Congratties. If I could just
get a credit card for the room

and any incidentals
then we'll be...

Broke. Jesus, the
room's that much?

Is there a problem?

Not if we're buying
it as a condo.

I may have something a
bit more in your price range.

Basement okay?

No, it's not, because as
love-besotted newlyweds

we would like the
honeymoon suite.

And our price
range is rangeless.

LANA: Ah, Archer! ARCHER: Shh.

A few minutes more, and
you can have your way with me.

Ugh. I wish. I know. Soon.

Alrighty and we are just
all set. Enjoy your stay.

Enjoy your stay?
Oh, right. Sorry.

No, no, no. No, no,
no. Enjoy your stay,

Mr. and Mrs. Archer.

Ugh, it's like my heart's
being gripped by the icy fingers

of some terrifying ghost
of honeymoon future.

Heh, heh. Lana?

Lana.

Lana!

Come on, if you don't answer,

I'm gonna scream
as loud as I possibly...

What? I'm sorry.

I meant, Mrs. Archer.

[SHUDDERS]

MALORY: I heard you.

I apologize, madame,
but... For what, Dunkirk?

Or that effeminate yet
somehow condescending tone?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Damn, I'm sure my
card was in here.

Malory, please, allow me.

No, no, no, I'm...
Embarrassing yourself, dear.

Thank you, Trudy.

[PAM LAUGHING]

Man, this must be killing you.

What, the salmonella
dripping all over my desk?

It's lamb, ding
dong, not salmon.

I'm talking about
Mr. Archer and Lana

in a deluxe honeymoon suite.

Oh, for... Pam,
they're on a mission.

Ary position.

By now, since I bet they
already did all the good ones.

Pam, they are on...

[GRUNTING]

[CONTINUES GRUNTING]

Want some? I...

Psych.

[♪♪♪]

CYRIL: Okay, first
of all, just shut up.

Second, I trust Lana completely,

especially with
regard to Archer.

She'd rather have sex with you.

Why? What'd she say?

And third, Lana's
pretty satisfied

in the old romance department.

And the old
accounting department.

What's that?

[CYRIL & LANA GRUNTING]

LANA: Give it to me.
Unh! CYRIL: I will.

LANA: I'm like a calculator.
Add it up. Add it up.

[BOTH MOANING]

What's that?

Good thing you work at a spy
agency, Miss Spy-On-People.

What? I only
watched for a second.

You need medication, Pam.

Pills, big pills, like
they use at the zoo.

But we have to go now.

The vet comes back
from lunch in 20 minutes.

What are you... Let's
go, bitches! Tiger tranqs!

We are not breaking into the
zoo to steal tiger tranquilizers.

Cyril, duh, they have all kinds.

And I have to direct-deposit
the annual bonuses.

If you two could go be
crazy and horrible elsewhere?

Like the Tuntmore Towers Hotel,

where Lana's shacked
up with Mr. Archer?

Wait. What? Yeah.

We can see if he's into all
that freaky gender-reversal stuff.

That... Wait. What? Cyril,

I watched for more
than a second.

I... Oh, you are...

Yeah. Let's go down
there. I own that dump.

We can get a suite and
totally spy on Mr. Archer and...

Lana. Okay, I'm going with you.

Yeah, whatever. But
on the way we're...

Not swinging by the zoo.

ARCHER: Lame.

Ugh. What's lame, Archer?

The fact we're
up against at least

four highly trained
North Korean agents?

Or the fact that
they've all got...

ARCHER: Peppercorns, Lana.

Well, I was gonna say Tokarevs
and Shpagin-41 submachine guns,

but, yeah, let's go
with peppercorns.

ARCHER: Thank you.

Because without peppercorns,
it's not steak au poivre.

[LANA SCOFFS]

It can't be. By
definition. Archer.

We're supposed to
stop the North Koreans

from buying part
of a nuclear bomb,

not ordering every single
item on the room service menu.

Just the dinner menu.

Pounding two $300 bottles
of Glengoolie fricking Blue?

Two? Thought I ordered three.

Then passing out on the
bed, totally naked, for a...

Ah, wow, what'd you call it?

Power blackout.
And you're welcome.

Thanks. The memory
of your bare ass

will bring me comfort
and warmth during

the coming nuclear winter. Ugh.

Relax, it's North Korea.

The nation-state
equivalent of the short bus.

Nice. What's
nice is this hot tub.

Which, get in, before
you blow our cover,

any more than you already have

by not performing
your wifely duties.

Excuse me?

You said my card was used
at the Tuntmore Towers Hotel?

This morning? Hm?

Oh, yes, I remember now.

Yes, yes. It's all fine.

Mm-hm. Okay, bye-bye. Bye, bye.

I am literally
going to kill him.

Well, figuratively. Literally!

I'll lure him to my
condo in Miami,

drug his steak au poivre,

drive him out to the Everglades,
slather him with chicken fat

and then toss him to the gators.

That's pretty specific
for a hypothetical.

Oh, he is going to
pay for this. Literally.

[INTERCOM BEEPS]

Cyril? Cyril? Oh!

Fine. Then I'll do it.

PAM: Are they doing
it? Are they banging?

No, Pam, they are not banging.

Well, these ribs
sure as hell are.

Oh, my God, right?

[GASPS]

We should take
some to the tigers.

And miss these two doing
it? Oh, my God, right?

Will you hags stop it? There's
nothing going on over there.

CHERYL: Unless she's
screaming at him to get it up.

CYRIL: She's not.

That's what she was
screaming at you.

Okay, so I watched
the whole thing.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, God. Were
you raised in a barn?

No.

I just slept out there a lot.

So you got an ETA on when you
might possibly be ready to help?

It's hard to say, really.

I mean, Chi's taking
her sweet time here.

Not criticizing, Chi.
Thorough is good.

Look, just give me
10, 20 minutes and...

Archer, I don't know how long

the Koreans will
be out of their room.

So while you ladies discuss the
pros and cons of a clear coat...

You say that like
there are cons.

I'll go be thorough at my job
and plant the Geiger counter,

so we know if and when
the uranium shows up.

Do you even know
if that thing works?

[DEVICE CLICKING AND HUMMING]

Well, Pigley 3,

that would certainly
explain the glowing.

[DEVICE CLICKING AND HUMMING]

And probably a few other things.

LANA: Why do you let
him push your buttons?

Why not push his buttons? Hm.

Because he has no
buttons. He's buttonless.

The only way to make him
as crazy as he makes you,

is to...

[LAUGHS]

PAM: Seriously?

Who are you, Van Cliburn?

Knock off the tickling
and work that shit.

Yeah, right? A baby could...

[JOINTS CRACK AND CHERYL GASPS]

Oh, I'm sorry, Miss
Tunt. Did that hurt?

[MOANS]

Yes. Cyril, they banging yet?

What? No. Actually,
Archer's alone.

Lana's either in the
bathroom or... Oh, my God!

What the hell is this bullshit?

What? You say
you want clear coat.

LANA: Yeah, why not?

It's not like it hasn't
crossed your mind.

And you're not
getting any younger.

ARCHER [OVER COMM]: Lana!

Jesus, what? Is it the Koreans?

Only if they're who
screwed me out of my bonus.

Which would be
weird. Your bonus?

If you could even call it
that. What's yours? Is it shitty?

Go online and check
your bank account.

Now, when I'm
suction-cupped on a window,

30 stories above the ground?

Yeah! You should have five bars.

Okay. So it's gonna sound
like I'm hanging up, but...

Lana? Lana! Holy shit,
I think she's gone rogue.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't pack up.

My toes aren't
gonna do themselves.

LANA: And even if
you're not necessarily

doing it for the right reasons,

he is. ARCHER: Hey! Hey!

Ugh. The phone. Give me.

Did you seriously
climb all the way up here

just to see what my bonus is?

No, I sarcastically
climbed all the way up here

to see what your bonus is.

He said, sarcastically. Phone.

Okay. Jesus, keep
your voice... Whoa.

Sucks, right? I mean,

that's not even remotely fair.

What the shit?

We're in a crazy
parallel universe

where bonuses are based on merit

instead of whether or not
you crawled out of your mother!

[SHRIEKS THEN GRUNTS]

Lana! Archer!

I'm coming! Phrasing, boom!

Lana!

[YELLING]

[WHOOPING]

[LANA GRUNTS]

Oh, my God. Archer, that was...

A $90 manicure, I know.

And I couldn't
care less, but Chi?

Lana, she really
worked hard on it.

Oh, man, they gotta
bump uglies now.

They... Wait. What?

Cyril, a near-death
experience is, like,

the ultimate aphrodisiac.

CHERYL: Penultimate.

The ultimate's doing it on
top of a tranqed-up tiger.

So listen... No, you
listen and then shut up.

You shut up. I was
on the verge of...

Dying?

Making a... Stain
on the sidewalk?

Decision. So...

So since we're keeping score
for bonus purposes, Lana.

In addition to saving
you a gazillion times...

Your fault to begin with.

Since I started working at ISIS,

I've been shot,
stabbed, set on fire,

poisoned, shot,
sexually assaulted

partially chewed, shot,
and declared legally dead.

Twice on the same day.

You said "shot"
like three times.

That's just by you.

Total, it's more
like, holy shit, 19.

And now you get
your bonus and mine?

Archer, I didn't...

Do anything to
deserve it. Exactly.

And again, excuse me?
There is no excuse for you.

Alrighty.

Think I made my decision.

And it is final.

ARCHER: Because I
borrowed your credit card?

You didn't borrow
it, you stole it.

Little column A,
little column B.

Be advised

that until I say otherwise,
Mr. Sticky-Fingers...

Seriously, does this never dry?

Lana is now agent in command.

Wait, ha, ha. What?

Uh, yeah. Hang on,
you're breaking up.

So my first command,
as agent in command

she said commandingly, is...

PAM [IN DEEP VOICE]:
"Get in my big old vagina.

I'm Lana." Okay, you know what?

I am out of here. Oh, my God.

Okay. You're abandoning the
mission to go home and pout?

I'm not going home.

I'm going down there to
kick some Kim Jong ass.

What? No. We're
doing surveillance.

Yeah, which is apparently French

for just sitting
around on your ass.

Which is why it's surprising
you're so shitty at it.

What? No, no, no. Archer, don't.

Suck so hard! Aah!

Okay, come on,
we're out of here.

What are you, nuts?

Oh, my God.
There's nuts in this?

Ugh. You're
allergic to penicillin.

Oh, right. And...

There's no penicillin in this.
Good, because I'm allergic.

Because why the
hell would there be

penicillin in chocolate mousse?

Ugh. God, gross.
There's moose in this?

Not that kind of moose.

Elk then. Whatever. Ugh!

Look, you two stay if
you want. I'm leaving.

There's no point spying on
Lana. I trust her completely.

And also because they're
not even in there anymore?

Little column A,
little column B.

You are not
jeopardizing this mission.

No, yeah, that's
exactly what I'm doing.

Because your ego
needs its own zip code?

I meant, I won't
allow you. Allow me?

Uh, I mean, uh,
please, allow me.

[SHOUTING IN KOREAN]

ISIS... Unh.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Hi-yah!

[CHUCKLES]

[NORTH KOREAN AGENT GROANS]

Oh, man. Wow,
that's gotta hurt, huh?

Archer... No, I mean,
obviously it hurts

getting Tom
Dempsey'd in the tits.

Ooh. Archer...

I meant, watching me save
your ass for the gazillionth time.

[GUNS COCKING]

LANA: Archer.

She's in command.

ARCHER: Oh, okay, so I
guess you think this is my fault.

[MEN GRUNTING]

You guess?

I'm not a mind reader, Lana.

NORTH KOREAN BOSS: Silence!

We deal with you soon enough.

And by deal with,
obviously, he means...

Shoot.

Ugh. I mean, I assume.

And negativity is
infectious, by the way.

You're the agent
in command, Lana.

You should focus on
keeping my morale...

Hi. Excuse me.

Could you go ahead and
shoot one or both of us now?

Uh, also a good leader
is never sarcastic.

Oh, we don't shoot
you. After mission finish,

we take you back to glorious

Democratic People's
Republic of Korea.

Oh. Then do go ahead

and shoot us. Archer.

What, Lana? It's
none of those things.

It's not democratic,
not a republic,

and definitely not glorious.

Jesus, watch Frontline
once in your life.

This ISIS camera, yes? Uh...

Yes. And as all
North Koreans know,

cameras steal your soul, so...

Ha! It is your Indians
who think that.

Wow! Okay, so since
we're being racist...

PAM: Cyril, don't
leave. It's on.

What do you...? On as in how on?

On as in "on" on.

CHERYL: On as in
hot Asian group sex on.

Thricely redundant.
Give me those.

[GASPS]

Oh, my God. We've
got to do something.

It's rosemary-mint.

Why? Why did you say that?

To lure them closer.
Well, it worked.

Yeah, they really
hate the Japanese.

You better have a plan.

Me? You're the agent
in command. Archer?

What? I just don't
wanna step on your toes!

[YELLS]

Nailed it. Boom!

How did...? You have any idea

how many times I've had
to get out of handcuffs?

Aah!

[ALL GRUNTING]

ARCHER: Lana!

Whoo. Wow.

Thank God you've been
arrested so many times.

[AGENTS SHOUTING
IN KOREAN] Arrested?

I... Look, whatever.

Thanks. That was
actually pretty impressive.

Not really. I thought this
was the door to the hallway.

So? So do you think

there's 30 stories'
worth of towels in here?

[AGENTS CONTINUE SHOUTING]

Come on, Figgis. Come
on, Figgis. Come on, Figgis.

Lana's in trouble. You
just gotta man up and...

Ooh.

PAM: Aw, man, am I missing
all the hot Asian group action?

No. Nobody's doing anything.

Well, Lana's
destroying the toilet.

Join the club. Unh.

Ugh. That's what
you get for eating elk.

Unh. ARCHER: Uh, couple things.

One, we've got about 30 seconds
before the door is matchsticks.

Two, you're never
gonna break that win...

[GLASS SHATTERS]

What was that?

I couldn't hear you over
the sound of your wrongness.

It's okay, I'll skip
ahead to three,

which is, now what, idiot?

Because I left my
jetpack in my other pants.

We can signal to somebody
or... Like who, a blimp captain?

No. Like...

Holy shit, is that Cheryl?
What the hell is she doing?

CYRIL: Suppressing
fire extinguisher!

Is that...? Cyril?

CYRIL: Lana! I'm coming, Cyril.

Lana, wait!

Bet that's the first
time you ever said that.

Right? Huh?

Okay, now we can go. You know...

Go! Unh!

What the...?

Cyril? Smoke fight! Whoo!

[ARCHER WHOOPING]

Ugh! No way, that is so unfair.
PAM: What, are they banging?

They will be. Raves
make everybody horny.

[ALL GRUNTING]

And that is for ruining
my fake honeymoon.

Archer, wait, it's me. I know.

And this is for the Pueblo.

Unh! Aah!

[GUNFIRE]

Unh! Cyril, hit the deck.
ARCHER: Wait. Why just...?

LANA: Get some,
you sons of bitches.

Get some!

Aw, man, I totally missed
it. Oh, my God, the toilet?

No. Jesus.

Although it is clogged.

Wow, heh, Lana,
that was... Right?

Totally passive-aggressive.

No, that was active-aggressive.

Because you ruined the
mission. Yeah, you jerk.

And why the hell
are you here? Um...

Police scanner? Cyril.

Well, you know, I mean, you two,

all alone in the
honeymoon suite.

Oh, my God. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, you can forget about
the huge decision I made

that you know nothing about
because I just unmade it.

I...

What was that all about?

Heh, heh. Oh, wouldn't
you like to know?

Do you? No.

LANA: Malory, you
cannot be serious.

I know. I'm sorry, it's
because I use humor

as a coping mechanism.

I meant... And
so while I think it's

hilarious that your bonuses
will now be used to pay

this ridiculous hotel bill...

Which somebody
could make go away

with a snap of her bony fingers!

[CHERYL GRUNTS]

CHERYL: I told you,

I have to answer to
my board of directors.

Heh, I don't at all. Ha, ha.

Do you even know
what that is? I don't at all.

I just can't seem
to find the humor in

what should have
been a simple mission

turning into a total farce.

It wasn't...

Lana, it was by
definition a farce.

Capped off by the fact
that no one thought to catch

the madman selling the uranium.

Lana was in command. Yes, was.

[LANA SIGHS AND ARCHER CHUCKLES]

Lucky for the madman.

Whoever he was.

[DEVICE CLICKING]

Oh, man.

Well, there goes my master plan.

[PIGLEY SQUEALING]

Oh. Yeah. Get in
there, eat them up.

God knows you earned it.

[PIGLEY SNUFFLING]

[♪♪♪]