Archer (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Coyote Lovely - full transcript

MALORY: Now, tell me
exactly what happened.

[LANA SIGHS]

LANA: You, through some
shady deal with the Border Patrol,

sent us to South Texas

to capture an individual
named Moreno.

Mexico's most notorious coyote.

Which is Español
for people smuggler.

Thanks, that's...

And also for
coyote, it turns out.

Archer... It's a
loanword. Or a calque?

Why do you always do this?
Because I'm always bored.



Is he...? Ugh, this is
totally nerve-racking.

How are you bored?
Don't engage him.

ARCHER: I've been lying
in scorpion piss for two hours

in the sunblasted
shithole which is Texas

waiting for a stupid truck

stuffed with smallish brown
people who just want a job.

CYRIL: And probably
Mexican cartel gunmen.

LANA: What'd I
just say? Big whoop.

I'm spooning a Barrett .50
cal. I could kill a building.

LANA: Just put one
through the engine block

when the truck
has to stop. Please.

This is what he does.

He knows we're tense because
we're normal human beings.

My theory, and I'm serious,



is that he's got some kind of
pervasive developmental disorder

or even undiagnosed
atypical autism.

ARCHER: Um, your
mike's hot. I know.

Wow. Well, here
comes the truck, so...

LANA: Okay, we're in position.

Great, so after we catch him,

you can intentionally
hurt his feelings.

Okay, first of all... Hey,
can I hold the fake baby?

God. Will you man
up, Kimmy Kevlar?

Here we go.

Archer, you ready?

ARCHER: Hang on,
Lana, I'm stacking rocks

in order of descending size.

See? Right there, that's...

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Hi, yeah, we broke
down and, uh...

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Hey! Don't run over
us, we have a baby!

Oops.

[WOMAN SHOUTS IN SPANISH]

Archer! Not talking to you.

[WOMAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[GROANING]

I can do this all day!

Since I find repetitive
behavior so calming!

Jesus Christ, I'm sorry!

Ow! Apologize to my tinnitus.

Now, hands up,
Moreno! It's over!

MALORY: What are
you...? That's not Moreno.

[TRUCK DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

I am Moreno.

[GASPS]

Whoa.

Moreno is a woman.

No shit.

[♪♪♪]

MALORY: I don't understand.

If Moreno had surrendered,
how did it go so wrong?

Uh, well, kind
of slowly, at first.

I said slowly.

Whoa, hey, ladies, come on.

I know the adrenaline's
still pumping,

but let's, you know,
deescalate the situation.

Oh, for... Deescalate
your dick. ARCHER: De...

Wait. I mean,
escalate shutting up.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Wait, how did you...?
Lana, Mexico gets the news.

I think. Do you guys,
um, las notícias...?

Well, here's some news,
now this is happening.

I have some thoughts
on that. No, you...

Do, and those thoughts are,
how about we let señorita...?

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Awesome. Señorita Moreno
go with a stern warning

if she promises never to do
this again, maybe over a drink?

[MAN IN TRUCK SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Shit, I forgot there's
people in there.

Cyril, open the door, idiot.

Do not push me, Archer.
And do not open that door!

But come on, they
gotta be roasting.

I'm sorry. If we let them
out, then, boom, they scatter.

Ha-ha-ha. To where?

Uh, our overburdened
health care system?

Ooh, or maybe our
tax-funded government schools

for which, spoiler ahead,
they don't pay taxes.

How is a tree hugger
like you anti-immigration?

Because illegal
immigration... Exactly.

It's not like your ancestors,
you know, had papers.

Wow. Yeah.

Cyril, I said open the door.
And I said don't push me!

And then very, very suddenly.

Because I couldn't hear you

over the sound of
now I'm punching you!

LANA: Damn it,
Archer, let him... Oops.

Lana! Have you lost your mind?

No, just my temper. Now
open the goddamn door.

And, Señorita Moreno,
you are free to go.

Although the appropriate thing

would be to buy me
a thank-you drink.

Um... What are you doing?

What are you doing?
You almost killed Lana.

No, see? She's fine.

She's not fine. She's at
least got a concussion.

So? You get like six
freebies. No, you don't!

Yes, you do, Cyril.
Now put it down.

You put it down. It's over.

We are turning Moreno
over to the Border Patrol

and taking Lana to a hospital.

Can't let you do
that. The first part.

Hospital is probably
a good idea.

We'll see what your
mother has to say about it.

Do not call her. I
swear to God, I'll...

Wait, hang on, are
you wearing Kevlar?

Yeah, because I'm
not an id... Oh, no.

[GUNSHOTS]

Sorry, I know that hurt.

Uh...

There, just like
The Defiant Ones.

Now, I believe there was some
mention of a thank-you drink?

So just so I'm clear,
you expect me to believe

that Sterling beat both
of you up then shot Cyril?

BOTH: Uh... For some
haggard Mexican?

I wouldn't really
describe her as haggard.

I would. Of course you would.

But... Shut up.
- -tempers were kind of high

about the illegals in the truck.

Oh, who cares about
them? Not Lana.

Still, though, it doesn't...

[PAPER SHREDDER WHIRRING]

Do you mind?

Yeah, it's the most
stupidest boring job

in the whole
stupid boring world!

But you insist that we
do it. Not right this second!

Uh, remind me, Pam,
when did Ms. Archer

say she wanted us
to shred this crap?

You did say right this second.

I said it on Tuesday!

Well? Well, what?

I actually don't
have a follow-up.

I bet a Mexican would
do this for a buck an hour.

Those documents are top
secret. You let Pam do it.

Okay, dicknuts, I'm just saying

they work hard as hell,
and they work cheap.

Cheap because
they don't pay taxes.

Thank you. When did
you work with Mexicans?

Where do you think
milk comes from?

PAM: How's it hanging,
Jorge? Bien, Ms. Pam.

How are you?

Yeah, I think you're ready.

Milk comes from Mexicans?

Oh, my God, what's
cereal made from?

Thank you. Labor of love.

Well? Then what? I
suppose next you'll tell me

Sterling drove off in the truck
with this Mexican woman?

Uh, no. Because
if you will recall,

Archer shot out
the engine block.

And I don't think she was
the only one he drove off with.

So where did they
all go? And how?

Who the hell knows where?

Although we do have a
working theory on how.

Hey, I'm serious.

If I have to pull this car
over, you will regret it!

So share the goddamn Doritos!

Yeah, looking
right at you, Lupe.

BILBO: Look for what?
MALORY: A station wagon.

Clean the impending massive
heart attack out of your ears.

A station wagon.
In all of Texas?

Yeah, or Arizona,
Mexico, New Mexico.

Oh, my God. You just got that.

Okay, but that's gonna
be kind of a needle in a...

Hey, is that it? CYRIL: Where?

No, that's not it.
BILBO: Is that it?

LANA: No, it was...
Is that it? Or is it that?

Is that it? Is that it?

All right, point...
Wait, wait, wait.

Is that it? Point taken!

Hey, you know what?

Swear to God, you people make me

wanna pump nerve
gas through the vents.

KRIEGER [OVER
INTERCOM]: Just say the word.

Krieger! No! Or
nein or whatever.

And how the hell
is this our fault?

[GROANING]

[KRIEGER LAUGHING]

KRIEGER: She slapped
you so hard, you died.

No, I think I'm really dying.

[KRIEGER LAUGHS]

KRIEGER: I know.

Hey, there's Archer.

Oh, God!

[GROANING]

Whoever that was, I'm serious,

I'm pretty sure
you've got Giardia.

I'm serious, please,

thank you, but we need
to get back into Mexico.

[ALL MUTTERING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

What the hell
kind of plan is this?

I don't know if
I'd call it a plan.

No one would. We
can't drive around Texas.

What about the Border
Patrol? The what?

[GROANS]

What in the hell?

Ten-eighty. We got a 10-80.

Neat.

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

Will you...? I'm really
starting to regret helping you.

Well, this is the
opposite of help!

Which no one asked
you for anyway.

That's what makes it so noble!

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Goddamn it! Chuy,
I don't have autism!

I thought if I let you go,
you'd at least blow me.

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

You think I'm some
kind of a whore?

No, but... Chuy,
back me up here,

was there not, like,
a cock-hungry vibe?

MORENO: Ugh!
Driver. Driver! Driver!

Hey, guys. How are you?

Can you escort us to a hospital?

I bet at least three of these
women are about to give birth.

[SHOTGUN COCKS]

ARCHER: Okay,
okay, I'm pulling over.

RED: We're 10-50! We're...

ARCHER: What the shit?

Who did that?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Oh, plus, you are just
covered in polvo Dorito.

Diós mio, don't kill them.

What? God, what kind of
person do you think I am?

I really think you
might be insane.

That was more of a rhetorical...

But I also think that
you make a big risk

to help some poor people

who just want a better
life for their family.

And that, to me,
is muy admirable.

See? I knew you
wanted to blow...

[GUNSHOTS]

Sorry, that was inappropriate.

Although so was the response.

Drop the weapon! Drop it!

Here. MORENO: You are crazy.

They'll kill us. Uh-uh. Empty.

Wh...? RED: Last warning!

ARCHER: Those
are .357 Ruger Sixes.

They each fired six.
How did you count them?

I'm just super good at that.

Oh, my God, maybe
I am autistic. Ow.

Okay, you dirty-ass
beaner, that's it.

[GUNS CLICKING]

[MORENO SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't
hear you over the sound of...

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Um, if I could I'd like
to take this opportunity

to apologize for
that racial slur.

What about the
racial profiling, huh?

Whatever happened
to the probable cause?

Our probable
cause is the border,

which we protect
from terrorists.

Look, we're just
doing our job here.

Shittily. Two-for-12
at that distance? Ugh.

Although, two does
seem like plenty.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Really? You learn
that in med school?

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

But quit hogging the beads.
Marisol and Paz wanna pray.

And these people aren't...

Not to sound racist, but we
all know who the terrorists are.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Lupe. Come on, you're in
America now, you just imply it.

Hey, let us go.

You got our first aid kit,
the radio out of the truck

so you can monitor
the police band...

And not to sound racist again,

but how many Mexicans does
it take to hook up a car stereo?

MORENO: Hey! ARCHER: Well?

Well, what?

Don't actually have a follow-up.

But seriously, Chuy,
qué the hell pasa?

I don't know, the
police band is working,

but now the eight-track is...

Why would we
need the eight-track?

[COUGHS] Oh, my
God, that can't be good.

We go to the hospital now!

You two, get your
ass off the car!

You can't just leave us here.

We're 20 miles away
from our last call-in.

We'll die out here.

Oh, goddamn it.

[FUNKY MUSIC
PLAYING OVER STEREO]

ARCHER: I'm, uh, actually
gonna take that back.

I'm glad you took
the time to fix it.

Eight-track was the
way to go. Whoo!

[COUGHING]

Oh, God.

LANA: What do you
mean, "Way to go"?

Which you clearly
said sarcastically.

I mean, thanks to you,

now there might not
be any reward money,

which I had earmarked
for vital operations.

Ah! You were gonna
redo your office.

Picture it all sort
of pan-Asian mod

and the carpet
just a sea of white.

But now I'm stuck
with cat-puke green

because you couldn't
control Sterling.

Since when is
babysitting Archer my jo...?

Oh, my God, that's
exactly my job.

Which, to belabor the point,
you failed. Now he's run off

with this old Mexican
woman to who knows where.

[CYRIL GROANS]

Ew. Put a shirt on.

What is wrong with you?

Archer is what is wrong with me.

And not that I care at all,
but have you tried calling him?

Please, with those
idiot voicemails?

Ugh. Although it couldn't hurt.

[SIGHS]

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

ARCHER: Hang
on, I should get that.

MORENO: Now? Really?

Trust me, if you knew my mother.

Please, if you knew mine.

But you should not
be talking right now.

And he really
shouldn't be drinking.

Oh, really? You learn
that in med school?

That you obviously
didn't get into?

I'm sorry, veterinarian,
I'm in a lot of pain.

I don't even know
how you're alive.

Well, I'm very strong
and also very drunk.

Which, paging Dr. D.T.
McShakyhands...

Seriously, get
your shit together.

Mother. Listen,
I'm sorry, I take

equal responsibility
with Lana. Wh...?

But... Ow! Come
on, Katy Hepburn!

The stupid Border
Patrol shot me twice,

and I could really use
a medevac chopper.

I'm kind of near...
Hey, guys, where are...?

Goddamn it, man, pace yourself!

MALORY: See? They just
get more and more elaborate,

and then it's, ha-ha, beep,
and then somehow I'm the idiot.

What? No, no, no, Mother,
this isn't a voicemail.

Well, I'm sure there's a lesson
in there somewhere, but... Ow!

[HICCUPS] That ought to do it.

[ALL MUTTERING IN SPANISH]

And to you, doctor. You
truly have the gift of healing.

Boy, I wish you'd tell
that to the licensing board.

You don't even
have a vet license?

Thanks to one
petty local politician.

And one petty barn
full of dead horses.

Will you shut up
and stitch me up?

Although if that wasn't a prank,

and the Border
Patrol did shoot him...

[BOTH LAUGH]

BOTH: Inappropriate.

Oh, he just has
to ruin everything.

Yeah, so watch
out for dehydration.

Thank you, doctor, we will.

And also for internal bleeding.

We will. And sepsis.

We... And MRSA.

Probably not a bad
idea to get him tested

for feline AIDS.
ARCHER: We get it!

Now can we go
already? He said in agony

because the unlicensed
vet drank all his tequila.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Now go!

Thank you, doctor.
Don't thank me.

Seriously, I probably
did more harm than good.

So if there's any
way to get to one,

a medevac chopper
wouldn't kill him.

Unless he got flung up
into the blades somehow.

Yeah, that'd do it.

MALORY: That will do, thank you.

I... Wait, but two Border
Patrol agents are missing,

Archer's missing, and
you want us to do nothing?

Yes, just like you've
done up to now.

Malory, we... But thank you both

for all that you did do,
which, again, was nothing.

Nothing? I got shot.

Any idiot can get
shot, Cyril. Ask Brett!

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to make some calls

to see if I can get my
son out of this mess.

[PAM LAUGHING]

How's it hanging, Grimace? Ow!

CYRIL: Why?

Why is the a.c. on?

That's not the
a.c., it's the heat.

Then why is it so cold?

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Really doubt I'm
going to heaven.

Well, dying...
MORENO: No, he's not!

Ugh. Well, you say that...

We'll never make it in
time in this crappy car.

You need a helicopter.

Yeah, I don't know if you heard,

but I don't have
access to a helicopter.

They do.

Come on, we're in
enough trouble already.

MORENO: With who? RED: Damn it.

You call headquarters,
you say an innocent Amer...

Republican was shot in a
gunfight with some illegals.

Wh...? No, that'll just
make you people look worse.

No, not worse as in...

Okay, screw you, you
know what I meant.

But if they call
this in, you'll...

We will be far away by then.

And besides, what kind of car

will the Border
Patrol be looking for?

A ridiculous low-rider truck

with fender flares
and louvers and shit?

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

And so, Mr. Archer, I'm
afraid for us, this is adiós.

Adiós? Not hasta pronto or...?

Huh. So, uh...

I'm guessing that's a no
posible on the blowjob?

[CHUCKLES]

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Well, if that ain't
a big load of shit.

Turns out he's
some kind of spook.

Dude, phrasing. He's right here.

Hey, don't listen to
him. You're beautiful.

As is whatever you're
doing with the morphine-wise.

Keep that coming. That
was my boss's boss's boss.

He says your ass
gets total immunity.

Ha-ha-ha. For helping
the most notorious coyote

in todo Mexico, Mercedes Moreno?

Mercedes? Vroom!

Shit, she must be her daughter.

Wait, whose daughter?

Maria Moreno, dumbass.

She's who we're after.

I bet she smuggles in

a thousand of them
son of bitches a year.

But word on the street
is, now she's expanding.

She's gonna start
bringing them in in convoys.

And blow me if we can catch her.

Mm. Mm-mmm.

But if Mercedes isn't...?
Then why would...?

But... Oh, hang on a sec.

"Dear Sterling,

you probably should not
be reading this out loud..."

MORENO: Hopefully you
are with the Border Patrol

on the way to a real hospital.

I'm so sorry you got shot.

And I don't know
how to tell you this,

but we did not meet by accident.

We knew you would
be there, Sterling.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

We knew your strengths,
and we also knew...

Well, one of your many,
many weaknesses.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Mwah.

And then... Well,
you know the rest.

What the...?

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[MORENO SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

But who...? Oh,
hang on, there's a...

MORENO: PS, and as
for who... Wait, hang on.

Oh, Lupe says she
will be praying for you.

And as for who, I hate to
be the one to tell you this,

but maybe you know
someone who values money...

Oh, my mother.

MORENO: More than
their so-called principles.

MALORY: So, what do
you care if it's in pesos?

Well, actually, no, I was,

but then I thought,
white carpet?

Because you wouldn't
believe what goes on around...

What are you doing?

What? Nothing.
I'm just a hologram.

[MAKES BUZZING NOISES]

[SIGHS]

Anyhoo...

[♪♪♪]