Archer (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - Space Race: Part II - full transcript

Once on board the international space station, Archer and the Isis crew have very little time to save the crew on board from being taken over by space pirates, but an even sinister motive looks to make things even worse for Archer and Isis.

LANA: Archer, do something.

ARCHER: Sure thing, Lana.

Oh, wait, I can't,

because I left my lightsaber
in my other space pants!

Don't yell at me, this
was your idea! What?

Remind me, when was it
that I said, "Guys, great idea.

Let's get shanghaied to
go live on fricking Mars!"

KELLOGG: Keep moving.

Make me... Ow!

[LAUGHS] He said "meow."

Moving. Yes,

and how can I help you not
ever do that again, please?

Get in there.

In here sounds great.

Are the cuffs really necessary?

Archer broke both of Wu's arms.

He what? While shouting "Whoo!"

Happy coincidence.

Mr. Archer, do I
have to sedate you?

Well, I wouldn't
say no to a drink.

Archer. What, you want one?

Okay, can we get two, um...

My tongue says sangrita,
but my heart says...

Archer! Michelada.

You realize this is kidnapping.

I do, yes.

And do you realize
you're insane?

Well, he wouldn't,
by definition...

What's more insane?

Suffering through famine,
war, disease on a dying Earth

or creating a utopia on Mars?

Using me as your brood sow?

No, not... Well,
okay, yes, technically.

But we searched for so long

to find the perfect
human female specimen.

Well, that's flattering-ish.

And with your morphology,

your IQ, your medical history...

How'd you get my
medical records?

Don't judge me on the
how, until you see the why.


Oh, Krieger-san!
I never judge you!

Well, your mother
sure as hell does!

How isn't important.
What is important...

Is you hired ISIS

just so Lana could pump
out a bunch of Martian babies?

Only if by "Martian" you
mean "born on Mars,"

not actual alien life forms.

Oh. Whatever. Either way.

My point is this whole
thing is Lana's fault.

What? And since you obviously

don't need anymore
more dudes on Mars...


Lana, the penis-to-your-vagina
ratio around here

is creepy enough already

so why not let us three go...?

I'm afraid that's impossible.

Or just me. Because
even if we didn't

need all the
manpower we can get,

there's no ship to
take you back to Earth.

Yeah, no, the shuttle, it's...

It's going to push the
Horizon into orbit above Mars

to serve as our base

while we begin the terraforming.

Which reminds me.

Commander Kellogg,

there are three
women on the Intrepid.

Take a boarding party
and bring them back here

to join their friends.

Holy shit-space!

Hey, guys, we got a problem!

Duh. The party's starting,

and this dress makes
me look like a whore!

Oh, you don't look like a whore.

An idiot, maybe. Wha...?

Or both.

Yes, a "whordiot."


DRAKE: Agent Kane, I...

May I call you Lana?

LANA: You absolutely may not.

Fair enough, but I
wish you'd reconsider.

You'd be much more
comfortable in my quarters.

Ha! You'll have to sedate me.

Oh, no, no, no,
we wouldn't do that.

We need you in peak
physical condition

for this great
undertaking of ours.

All of you.

So wait, are we
not doing drinks?

Ha! I'm not helping
you terraform Mars.

I won't move one cup of dirt.

Can we at least have beers?

Then you can join the, um.

Well, we're calling them
"involuntary laborers."

Invol... Wait, you mean slaves?

Oh, now he's indignant.

Oh, please, all you have to do

is sit around all
day getting laid.

Involuntary labor is just
a temporary measure.

In a few generations,

after the colony is established,

we'll revisit the issue.
In the meantime...

You can kiss
three-fifths of my ass.

Uh, Tony, we've got a problem.

Ugh. What now?

I'm on my way.

And the black guy
is okay with this?

Ugh. What?

Oh, for... How was that racist?

It's just a temporary measure.

I didn't say anything.

Hello, uh, miss? This
is Commander Kellogg.

I need you to move
the locking lever

from "manual" to "auto."

INTERCOM]: "Auto." Got it.

Moving the lever.

Uh, clunk. Did that do it?

KELLOGG: Did you move the...?

Boring conversation anyway.

What the hell are you doing?

These nutsacks wanna take
us to Mars to be baby factories.


I can't go live on Mars. I
just rented a summer house.



Oh, whatever.

Come on, we gotta
figure a way out of this.

Or do we?


Why is nobody else wearing
a T-shirt under their suit?

Because this
thing feels amazing.

I know, right?

It's like a vagina

with a zipper. Ew.

Lana, trust me,
this is the only way.

Ugh. All right. But turn around.

"Turn around"?

It's not like we haven't
all seen them before.

LANA: Don't remind me.

Ugh. Okay, there.

Although, I guess it
has been a long time.


Nothing, just bet you're
glad we're in reduced gravity.


Well, I didn't invent
the ravages of time.

Okay, Ray, Cyril, get ready.

Lana, uh, pretend
it's five years ago.

I wish it was,

so I could murder you
before we ever dated.

Uh, excuse me,
could I borrow you?

No, you cannot
borrow... Oh, my God!

LANA: Yeah, right?

Okay, what seems to be the...?

GUARD: Oh, my eye!

ARCHER: Somebody
get his goddamn gun!

LANA: Oh, for the love of...!

ARCHER: Ow! You dick!

GUARD: Ow! My other eye!

I'm almost certainly blind.

Serves you right.
Anybody else hit?

No, I'm good. Yeah, uh, me too.

That's because you hid, Cyril.

Otherwise, I think that all
went pretty great. Right?

LANA: Really?

ARCHER [LAUGHING]: Do you not?

"Do you not?" Just
give me the damn...



Sorry, it's been commandeered.

What the hell am I
supposed to wear?

Uh... Oh, maybe this will work.

Yeah, I think
that totally works.

Stole them from the gift shop.

If you're done being an asshole,

help me strip this guy so I...

[ALARM WAILING] What the...?

Security breach, Pod 6.

We gotta move! Come on!

Lana, let's go!

Wait! Let me
just get... Damn it!




Well, now they're droopier.


Security breach, Pod 6.

DRAKE: No, no, no, now what?

Security breach, Pod 6.

I heard you.

I don't care if you have
to use the plasma torch,

get this door open.

Security team, this
is Commander Drake.

Converge on Pod 6.

You heard him,
get this door open.

Sure thing, boss man.

Oh, my God, for the last time...

We can't

fight them off.

That's what Dad said

when the bank man came
out to foreclose on the farm.

And guess how that turned out?

You murdered a banker?

No, we got a loan modification.

You think a bank wants to own

a failing dairy farm
with obsolete milkers?

Oh, my God, speaking of...

They're right where
they've always been.

Wait, can she hear
us? Man, I hope not.


Guess not.

Will you come on?

Don't get me
wrong. I'd still do her.

Oh, please, you'd do...

Name a noun.

No, you look.

You look at these and
tell me they're not perfect!

Now? Really?

Jesus God, are
you that insecure?

No! I'm not! Because I am...


Oh, man.

Uh, thoughts?

Through there! Go!

Uh, nope.


Why not? It's full of, ugh,

garbage and shit.

You got a better idea?

Well, we could eat a big
bowl of hepatitises A through E.

Or just run away.

Just because it was
my idea, you... Guys.

GUARD: Fire!

Oh, shit.

KELLOGG: What's taking so long?

Couple things.

One, I didn't invent
whatever this door is made of,

which is apparently some
alloy of adamantium and mithril.

And two, not really
liking your tone.

DRAKE: Ugh, you idiots.

Firing an ion cannon at
the future Mother of Mars?

Whose idea was that?

Ahem. Dave's.

Oh. Well, that's
just great, Dave.

Tell me, if you kill her,

who's gonna bear our
Martian children? Huh? Trish?



Archer! Sorry, go on, Trish.

We've been locked in here

ever since you idiots
took over Horizon.

Tone. Yeah, sorry.

But Drake wants
to use the Intrepid

to push Horizon to Mars,

so tell us how we can stop him.

Yeah, can Cyril die

after shutting down
the tractor beam, or?

Ugh! The Intrepid is
the key to Drake's plan,

and he and Kellogg are
the only ones who can fly it.

So why aren't you
A-holes down there?

[LAUGHS] Burn. Cyril.

Although, good point, Trish.

Okay, to the Intrepid. Let's go.

Oh, and, Trish?

Uh, with your looks,

maybe bitchy is
not the way to go.

you're the prettiest!

Come on!

I thought I'd made
myself very clear.

You did, but...

Then why isn't the airlock open?

Dwarven technology.

What was that? What did you say?

Tony, stop.

See? Now we just
wait for Mr. Archer

to save the day,
like he always does.

I don't know about always but...

Are you sure they can't get in?

Didn't you hear him? He said...


DRAKE: Say "dwarven
technology" again!

What the...?

Stop this at once.
We command you.

I'm sorry? [CROAKS]

Oh, wait, we're sorry.

Aren't you guys looking
for a new Martian queen?

PAM: Goddamn it.

Why, yes, and you're..

Your Majesty.

Your Majesty.

And you're just so...

What's the word I'm looking for?

Don't say "whordiot."
We hate that.

Majestic. Right.

Now follow me.

We got a big list of
must-haves for the royal palace.

Uh, your wish is my command.


Seal the door behind me
and prepare Horizon for launch.

Next stop, Mars.

Okay, you heard him.

Uh, I heard him
tell you to do it.

And I'm telling you to do it.

And I'm telling you

that I didn't sign up for
Animal Farm in space.

ARCHER: Wait, there are animals?

No, Animal Farm.

How do you not get that?

Cyril, I know what
an animal farm is.

Not an animal farm.

Maybe we can, I don't know,

stampede a flock of
goats down the hall.

Animal Farm is a book.

No, it isn't, Lana.

It's an allegorical novella

about Stalinism
by George Orwell!

And spoiler alert, it sucks!

Although I was talking
about an actual animal farm.

So never mind.

Oh, don't mind me, ma'ams.

Just adjusting
the climate control.

Ooh, yes. Another
palace must-have.

Now, we heard some
mention of babies?

Uh-huh. But just to be clear,

we don't do babies.

"Do" as in?

"Do" as in tolerate,
be around, touch

and as in let them claw

their monster-y way
out of our vagina.

Well, let's put a pin in that.


Wait, put a pin in what?

What? What is wrong with you?
And where are the other two...?


Right here, space-nuts.

Pamela, stop. Your
queen commands you.

Oh, please, you're
not fit to be queen of...

Name a place. Lidsville.

And, Drake, you can forget

all about your crazy
little Martian sex cult.

Ugh. It's not...

Don't you people get it?

Earth is doomed.

Mankind's only hope for survival

is to find a new home on Mars,

and I am the only man
alive who can lead us there.

I am like, uh...

Jesus Christ.

Well, I think a more apt
analogy would be Moses, but...

Drop your weapon! Make me.

No, don't make
her. Come on, Pam.

Pam, shoot!

Mother! Malory!

And she'll do it too.

CHERYL: She'll do anything

to keep us from the throne
which is our birthright.

Ew, birth.

All right!

No, no, no. What are you doing?

No, no! No, even
if they kill me,

they can never kill our dream.


Uh, hang on, sorry, one sec.

Drones? You wanna?
Thank you, thank you.


Thanks a lot. Thank you.

There is no Mars without
you, Tony. I'm sorry.

Sorry? You're sorry?

You just single-handedly
doomed mankind!

Hey, even so, black
astronaut, that's pretty huge.

It actually is.

And at least your own
mother didn't just play chicken

with your life!

[CHUCKLES] Self-burn.


Drake, you're gonna
fly us back to Earth

to stand trial for,
whatever, space piracy.

No man can judge me.

Well, you say that, but...

Mars forever!


Suppressing fire!

CHERYL: Cyril, no!


I think I got them.
Did I get them?

You did. You got those two guys,

who were just minding
their own business.

Ooh. And also the
one remaining person

who could fly us back to Earth!

A black astronaut, Cyril.
That's like killing a unicorn.

Aw, crap-snacks!
How could this get...?

Don't say it! Do not say it!

BARRY: ♪ Gone to outer space ♪

♪ To shoot that
dickbag In his face ♪


Hang on, Other Barry.

Uh, this is Barry.

Hey, pumpkin pie! What's that?

No. No, I'm in, uh,
London for wor...


Katya, pumpkin, I promised
I'd stop trying to kill Archer.


Yes. Yes, both Barrys promised.

What? Wait, what's wrong
with the sofa we already have?

Oh, hey, hon,
you're breaking up.


Any worse. Is what
I was gonna say.



ARCHER: Oh, my God,
are you kidding me?


Hello, is this airboats?

Yeah, hi, it's me, Spacebot.

What? Oh, just lifting
a thousand pounds

like it's an apple, no big deal.

Archer! Quit screwing
around with the robot

and shut the damn
airlock already!

ARCHER: Five more minutes! God.

What's the hurry?

We're all gonna
die up here anyway.


We're gonna die!

We're not gonna
die! Stop crying!

And for what it's worth,

I think you would've made
a great Martian queen.



Yeah. Um, so, Trish?


Still with the tone.

the airlock's closed.

Happy? So, seriously,

none of you know
how to fly this thing?

No. We're scientists.

We never even
trained on the simulator.

The simulator. Guys,
I can fly us home.

I will fly us home.

Wait, what is this?


And that?

But right now this?

He was really good
in the simulator.

Yeah, right up
until he crashed it.

Thanks to you and
your fire extinguisher.


Okay, then it's settled.

So, Trish, Horizon is
self-sustaining, right?

Duh. Well, then, have fun.

Wait, wait, wait!

Uh... Never mind.

I'm sure someone is
gonna feed the farm animals.


Cyril, you're in command.
Try not to kill us.

Everybody else, strap in.


I said in, not on.

Oh. And ew.

And... Malory!

I'm going into stasis.

Wake me up when
we're on the ground.

Preferably above 72nd Street.


What is that? Who's got beer?


VOICE] Come out to play.

ALL: Barry?

Come on out, Archer.

I mean, I'd come in, but...

Yeah. Who built this
door, space dwarves?

Okay, Barry.

Forgetting for the moment
how you found me here.

HOLOGRAM: Krieger-san!


You wanna finish this?

Yeah, I do. Yeah.
That's why I'm here.

Not for long, you're not.

Where do you think you're going?

Uh, this place
called to kill Barry.

Every time y'all
fight, he beats you

like the redheaded
stepchild of a rented mule.

No, he doesn't.

CYRIL: Yeah, both head and ass.

PAM: Pounds you like meat.

Look, look, look.

Hang on, hang on.

There we go.
Look, check this out.

Look. Yeah.


You can wear this.

ARCHER: my God. I know. Right?

Evil Cyborg versus
Spacebot. Love it.

This is gonna be...

And I hate this word, Barry,
but this is gonna be epic!

Hang on, I'll be right...

LANA: He can't get in here.

The only reason to go
out there is your ego.

Not just my ego,
Lana, Spacebot's ego.

And a giant ass-whipping.

I can take him. Did you
not see those claws?

Please. We just want to go home.

But Spacebot...

Jesus, think about someone
else for once in your life!

And that's her saying that.


♪ Domo arigato ♪

♪ Archer Roboto ♪

ARCHER: Uh, Barry? Yo.

Yeah, let's get it on, brother.

I, uh. I can't get it on.

What? Come on.

Maybe next time. Sorry.

Hey, don't do that.


Don't apologize.

I mean, if you're having

a legitimate problem
with your vagina

that you have between
your legs in lieu of a penis

I completely understand.

And you need to deal with that.

Honestly, we can
do this another time.




Next time, Barry.

Sterling, I know I may
not say this very often...

Or ever.

Well, congratulations,
you ruined it.

But I'm still very proud of you.



Docking coupler disengaging.

CYRIL: Okay, folks, uh,

next stop, planet Earth.

MALORY: Just try
not to kill us all, Cyril.

Mother, please!

Don't listen to her, Cyril,
you're gonna do great.

Hey, thanks, Archer.

You know what, just for that...

ARCHER: What are you doing?


COMPUTER: Ignition.



ARCHER: Now who's
got a vagina problem?

PAM: Me.


How am I gonna get home?

COMPUTER: Fifty meters.

LANA: You're doing great, Cyril.

Almost there.

Almost there.

So let me take this baby on in.

Archer, what are you doing?

Archer, stop it!

ARCHER: Let me land it!

Archer! You had,
like, an actual moment

of self-awareness
in space, so...

So I deserve to land
the goddamn spaceship!


COMPUTER: Sink rate, sink rate.

ARCHER: Cyril, it's all
you, buddy. You got it.



MALORY: Item four:


Until further notice,

no more health insurance
claims will be accepted.

Aw. Come on, really?

Don't blame me.

Yeah, Cyril crashed
the damn thing.



Oh, come on, Ray.
What's the big deal?

You already had the chair!

Hey, did I tell you
guys I got a goat?


[English - US - Line 21]