Archer (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Fugue and Riffs - full transcript

Archer has amnesia and, for the past two months, he believes he is Bob who has been married to Linda and is stepfather to her three kids, Tina, Gene and Louise. A KGB hit squad shows up, Bob decides to go on a spa weekend to protect Linda and the kids from further attacks. At ISIS, Lana has succeeded in locating Archer at Bob's Burgers. Lana reports his probable amnesia and the KGB hit squad to Malory and the core group. The ISIS gang joins Bob at the spa to jog the memory of super spy, Sterling Archer. Lana is deployed as a half-arsed "Honeypot." When yet another KGB hit squad goes into action, more than Archer's memory is jogged.

ARCHER: Okay, kids, who
wants Manning Coleslaw?

And/or an explanation
of why that's...



Sorry, guys, we're, uh...

closed, yeah.

Thanks for getting the sign
for me because we are closed.

Especially now that
the door's locked.

And you're not really
supposed to be back here.

Even if you have a...

Um, I was gonna say "hairnet."


Is everything...?
Everything's fine.

We're closed, Bob... Linda!

Take the kids in the back.

Kids, go in the
back with your mom.


Bob, what do they
want? Hambledurgers.

Now would you please
go in the goddamn back?

Well, excuse me,
Ike Turner. Jeez.

Look, the Hambledurger
wasn't a big seller,

so there's not much, but, uh...

We don't want money.

We want you.

I'm sorry? We are not robbers.

Oh, my God. Okay,
yes, you can rub them,

but just please
don't hurt my family.

He means we're not robbers.

Oh. Well, then,
what do you want?



What? No!





Even if you kill us,
more will come, Archer.




Oh, my God. Are you guys okay?

We... Yeah, we're... But...

Bob, where'd you
learn to do that?

I don't know.

It was like instinct.

Were you speaking Russian?

Was I? But I don't
even know any...

Russian! Look!

The label in his coat has
those idiot Russian letters.

Why are Russians
trying to kill you?

I don't know. He
called me Archer.

Maybe they think
I'm somebody else.

[GASPS] Somebody who gambles?

When would I gamble, Linda?

The six hours a
night I get to sleep?

Because the other 18 hours,

I'm slaving over
this hot-ass grill.

I didn't know it
was such a burden.

Of course it's a burden, Lin.

Don't get me wrong, I
love you guys, but come on.

I've been here two months,
it feels like two trillion eons.

Well, if that's the way you...

What are you doing?

You're not leaving?
Linda, you heard him.

Whoever they are, he
said they'd keep coming.

You guys aren't
safe if I'm around.

But, Bobby...

No buts, Lin. I'm not
gonna let you guys get hurt.

What I am gonna do, is
find out who this Archer jerk is

and why Russian
people want him dead.

I'm also probably
gonna do a spa weekend.

Between work and being a stepdad

to Gene and Louise
and, uh, you know...

Anyway, I'm just burned out.

So take care, I'll call
after I solve this mystery

or whatever.

Oh. And I also
forgot to tell you guys,

the health inspector's
coming at 8:00 a.m.

so you, uh, better
break out the purple stuff.


MALORY: I'm sorry,
I'm sure I misheard you.

Sterling has been
missing for two months.

We've spent God knows
how many thousands of dollars

and man-hours searching for him,

and this whole
time he's just been

down at the shore
flipping hamburgers?

You know another kind of burger?

Ostrich. Shut up, they're good.

Shut up.

Yes, shut up, and
then explain to me

if you know where Sterling is...

Was. According to
our intel, Archer was

tracked down by a KGB hit squad.


Ahh! Oh, my God. Aww.

Sorry. I should have started
that with "Archer's fine."

The KGB hit squad. Oh, my God.


Not so much.

My God.

But, so, where is he now?

At a spa.

According to his, um, wife.

His what? Wah.

Uh, Linda. She said
his name was "Bob."

He wandered in there
in full morning dress

two months ago,
they got married...

Married? The minute they met?

Who does that? Ostriches.

That little son of a...
He's obviously doing this

just to get even with me.

Normally, I would agree,
but after talking to the wife,

I honestly think Archer
doesn't know he's Archer.

How could he not know who he is?

Psychogenic retrograde amnesia.

Also known as a "fugue state"

sometimes triggered
by extreme emotional

or psychological stress.

And we all know
what caused that.

Yes, his hatred of
seeing me happy.

Now take me to that spa.

And we'll just see how
this amnesia holds up

against a sudden and
quite possibly violent

confrontation with his mother.


Bad idea. According
to my clinical research

on drug-induced amnesia...

Said the fake scientist.

Hmm, and what are
your parents' names?

What? Their names
are... Um... Ah...

Damn it, Krieger,
did you drug me?

You don't remember?

Wow, memory is
such a fragile thing.

And if Archer's real identity is
exposed to him too suddenly,

his mind may
reject it permanently.

We have to ease
him back into it,

like a latex gimp suit.

And how do you
suggest we do that?

Well, some people
use baby powder,

but I'm a firm
believer in corn starch.

Not the gimp suit.
Sterling's amnesia!

Oh. Yes, I have a plant.

Plant. Plan.

LANA: I'm serious.
I want it on record

that I think this
is a terrible plan.

Duly noted and disregarded.

And I expect you to
be totally convincing.

As the damsel in distress?

Have you ever met a
woman less damsel-y?

Pam. And it's not
you I'm worried about.

It's our pathetic villains.

Guys. Fake mustache, yay or nay?

Yay. Yeah, it works, right?

My face isn't a naturally
villainous like yours, so...

Ooh! Here's an idea,

why don't you just saw
your goddamn head off?

Geez, what's up your butt?

Nothing is up my butt, Cyril.

Oh, or maybe there
is. I wouldn't know.

Because I'm paralyzed
from the waist down

and it's Archer's fault.

Ah, getting some
mileage out of that, huh?

Ugh. Now damsel
up and get over there.

Remember, you have to pretend

you don't have a
history together.


For the... Sour
mix? In a margarita?

What is this, Auschwitz?


I always do.

MALORY: Like a
big brown giraffe.

Ooh. Or an ostrich.

Remind me why I
let you idiots come.

For the free rooms,
because the only thing

you are more than mean is cheap.

Oh, shut up. Just because
you own this place...

I think I just own the
conglomerate that owns

the holding company
that owns the hotel chain.

Don't even think about
screwing up our plan

to cure Sterling's amnesia.

His what?

Five ingredients:
tequila, Cointreau,

lime juice, ice, kosher salt.

Oh, and sorry about
the Auschwitz crack.

That's not like me.

I've been under a lot of stress.

I'm not Jewish. Did I
ask for your life story?

LANA: Excuse me,
is this seat taken?

Yes! No.

I mean, uh, please feel
free to always do that.

Hi, I'm Bob.

Lana Kane. And thanks.

I just need to rest a minute.

I've been on the run... I
mean, on the go, and...

Wait. You're on the run too?

No, I... Forget I said that.

It's dangerous, you're
married... What, this?

This is fake.

I just wear it to
fend off the cougars.

Like her.

Totally checking me out.

Ew. Ew.

Right? So why
are you on the run?


Bob, have you
ever heard of ISIS?

From the Shazam!/Isis
Hour TV show?

No, the... God,
remember Shazam? Wait.

Who's the actor that
played Billy Batson?

Remember, he'd go,

"Shazam!" What? Arch... Bob!

ISIS is the International
Secret Intelligence Service

and I'm one of... Well, frankly,

I'm their best agent.

And KGB agents
are trying to kill me.

Me too.

Wait, I wonder if it's
related to your thing.

Wait, why are you at
the same spa as me?

I, uh... Uh...

Not even the best
agent at this pool.

Seriously, how are we both at...

Oh! I think I see a
KGB agent. Kiss me!


Okay, he's gone.

Um, uh, wow.

I'm glad I could help.

Uh, I could use more help.

But I have to warn you,
it could be dangerous.

For you, Lana, I
will take the highway

right into the danger
zo... Oh, my God!

What? Michael Gray

was Billy Batson on Shazam!

MALORY: Krieger, I'm
really having second thoughts

about your so-called plan.

KRIEGER: Give it time.

This isn't The Flintstones.

We can't whang him in
the head with a frying pan.

How about a bullet? Burn.

Oh, give it a rest,
Ironsides. Burn.

And please, focus.

Sorry, I'm trying, it's just,
TEC-9's are awesome.



Wait, how did I know
these are called TEC-9's?

Uh, well...

KRIEGER: Remember,
ease him into it.

MALORY: Enough
with the gimp suits!

Will you shut up?

Sorry, I don't know
what's happening.

This is all crazy.

I'm a fry-cook but I
know all about guns?

Russian spies who
think my name is Archer

are trying to kill me?

I speak Russian?

Oh, and plus I'm a total
badass at hand-to-hand combat?


No, seriously, I'm like
Chuck Norris-esque.

Okay, hit me.

What? Right here,
take your best shot.

I'm not gonna hit you.

Aw, why, is your
vagina bothering you?

Okay. I see what you're doing.

But I warned you.





I think you literally
broke my heart.


Shut up.

Sorry. So, yeah, wow.

Maybe I'm not as
good as I thought.

Duh. Okay, the first
thing we need to do

is search the entire spa for...

An ice machine, totally, yes.

KGB agents.

Specifically these two.

Ha. Did you say "Gay-GB"?


Think it's the mustache?
It's not helping.

Well, neither are you, so...

To reiterate, I am paralyzed.

Well, join a support group.

For who, crippled
gay hillbilly spies?


You know... There's a niche.

All right, you two, you're on.

So try against all
odds not to cock it up.

Speaking of, you see the
bulge on that towel boy?

Man, if I was you I'd
be at this spa 25/8.

Yeah, but then I
wouldn't get to hang out

with everybody at work.

You hate everybody
at work. I know.

It's the only thing that
gets me out of bed.

The hatred. Yes,
Pam. The hatred.


This spy stuff is awesome,

and I bet I'd be
totally awesome at it.

So is ISIS hiring, or...? No.

What, is it weird
because we kissed?

That was weird, and
also not a real kiss,

and also never happening again.

Oh, I get it. You're
not into guys.


So just because I
don't wanna bang you,

automatically I'm a lesbian?

Yes, well, that and
your Hulk hands.

I do not, have...

She-Hulk, then,
whatever, they're...

Arch... Bob!

What, Jennifer Walters?

Alter-ego of She-Hulk, what?

KGB agents, 12 o'clock. What?

move a muscles, Ameriketskis.

Heh. And, wait, how
are they a superpower?

Oh, no, capitalist
spy get drop on us.

Okay, KGB agents,
I want you to reach

into your jackets
very slowly and...

RUSSIAN: Drop your weapons.

LANA: Oh, shit.

And prepare to
die, Sterling Archer.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph Stalin.

For the last time, assholes.

My name is Shazam!


How do you not
remember that show?


ARCHER: So, uh,
what's the plan here?

I don't have a plan.

Because those guys
are the real KGB!

What, as opposed
to the fake KGB?

Actually, yes, and also...

Fake bullets!


Why do we have fake bullets?

Yeah, Krieger. Why do we?

No, no, you don't know my...

Why do you know
the KGB guy's name?

Ugh. Because...
KRIEGER: Buh-buh-bup-bup!

Gimp suit! Unless...

Oh, my God, you're KGB.

Oh, for... If I'm KGB, why
is the KGB shooting at me?

Internal power struggle?

Damn it. Ray.

Ray, we are Code Zulu.

Code Zulu?

She knows better than that.

Code Zulu is only
for real emergencies.

LANA: Ray! Ray!

Yeah, she's laying
it on pretty thick.

Well, you're in charge here.

I'm off to get a seaweed wrap.

Didn't know they made
sushi with dried clams.

What was that? LANA:
The real KGB is here.

What was that?

I can't hear you
over the sound of:


Ray! Ray! What the
hell is that sound?

Hamilton Beach 727 DrinkMaster.

And, uh, speaking of drinks...

These aren't to drink, dumbass.

I'm gonna make
Molotov cocktails.

Not with Irish cream.

Will you...? Bob!

Oh, my God.

Yeah, wow, it's pretty thick.

Krieger, we need
suppressing fire.

We're shooting blanks. Duh!

LANA: They don't know that. Duh!


Inappropriate. Suppressing fire!

LANA: Great. Just
buy us some time, so...

So I have a question.

Why did you rip off my shirt?

To make the fuses. Duh!

When there's a huge
stack of bar towels

right freaking there! Oh.

Duh! And, follow-up,

why did you also
rip off my bikini top?


See, we put the bottle in the...

Whatever, the boob
cups, and... Aah!

Just throw the damn thing!

Oh, my God, double
duh, right? Huh?


Damn, they're gonna flank us.

So you wanna throw that today?

No, now I feel bad for
setting your bikini on fire.

Here, hold this.

I don't wanna hold the damn...


Yeah, I think that works.

Whoa, I am getting
some major déjà vu here.

It's not déjà vu, you idiot.

Well, however you pronounce it.


Cocktail Molotov!


Did you see that? Yes.

Here, keep throwing them.


Whoo! Another one!

Wait, wait a minute.


What in the...? Is that smoke?

PAM: Duh!

Are you out of your mind?

Damn near.

This shit is el chronico.

Gracias, Julio, you are the man.

And you are also fired.

Que? What?

I'm sorry, but all
of my companies

have a zero-tolerance
drug policy.

You hypocrite cooze!

I just watched you eat a
whole bag of LSD gummi bears.


And I am tripping bear balls.

I'm kidding, Julio,
you're not fired.

In fact, I'm making
you the new GM.

Aw. General manager? Of the spa?

No, dipshit, of the
entire hotel chain.

Hotels Incorporated?

Oh, I guess I don't
own this place.

Damn it! I have to
pay for these rooms.


LANA: Well, what?

Why do I feel I...

No, why do I know that
we've done this before?

I, uh... We haven't, um...

Yes, we have, Lana.

Throwing bottle bombs,
your tits flopping around...

Flopping? Okay, first of all...

Oh, my God, what's happening?

It feels like my
brain's exploding.

Krieger, what's happening?

His mind-brain is
permanently rejecting

his real identity.


That's a thing,
shut up. Uh, Lana?

Linda. "Linda"?

You're my wife.
Linda. And I'm Bob.

I am Bob and I make burgers.


Burger Bob. Bob.

Bob. Burger, burger.

Do svidaniya, Archer.

Bob, honey, I need
you to get down!

Yes, down to the
store for cheese.

For the Emile Gorgonzola Burger.

LANA: Okay, I have had it.

Well, not with j'accuse-cumbers.




Aah! Ow!

What the shit, Lana?

Archer? Wait, are you... you?

Yes, I'm me, you dumb idiot.

There goes the
frying pan theory.

Who did you think I
was? You, unfortunately.

What's unfortunate

is you got me into a fire fight

with the KGB armed
with a fricking cap gun.



Because, unfortunately,
we were trying to cure your...

retrograde amnesia. Duh!


Wait, so you remember
you had amnesia?

KRIEGER: Such a fragile mystery.

Krieger, one more word

and I'll make you
wish they never

scraped you out
of Hitler's drawers.

Aw. Ew.

Ew. That is a lot creamier
than I remembered.

But do you remember why

you ran away from
home this time?

I'm a grown man, Lana, I
didn't run away from home.

I... carjacked a limo.

From a wedding.

Oh, my God, it's all
coming back to me now.

ARCHER: What part of
this are you not getting?

Core concept.

Drive, shit-heel.

Where is the limo going?

I guess wherever
Mr. Archer said to.

Son of a bitch.

Your words. Burn.


MALORY: Absolutely
ruined, because of you.

I said I was sorry, Mother.

Happiest day of my life.

Wait, wasn't that
the day I was born?

Ow! What's in
there? Spa buckles?

You think that compares

to a dream wedding
to Ron Cadillac,

the biggest Cadillac
dealer in New York?

Technically, the
whole tri-state area.

ALL: Hey.

Hiya, gang.

Oh, Ron. Thank you
for coming so quickly.

Phrasing. First. Boom!

Well, in a Cadillac,

you don't have to
sacrifice speed for luxury.

That baby will pass
anything on the road,

except a gas station.


And how's my lady
love? Infinitely better now.

I bet, now that
you found Sterling.

She was just worried
sick about you.

Well, not sick.

How the heck are you, son?

Fine, awful, whatever, great.

But mostly mortified that
he ruined our wedding.

Well, all's well that ends well.

Yeah, I don't think
it does, though.

Uh, no shit.

No, I mean, the KGB
found you at a burger joint

when you didn't even
know who you were

and then they found you
here? How did they do that?

ARCHER: Wait, yeah,
how did they do that?

BARRY: Barry, are
we losing our minds?

Could be, Other Barry. Could be.

Because even though I can
see Archer's every fricking move,

apparently it's impossible

to kill that idiot
from fricking space!

So where are we on the fricking
spaceship to get me home?

And I'm looking
you way, Dr. Simon.

Uh, well...

Uh-uh-uh. Let me stop you there.

In case you were about to
say there has been a setback.

Because that's what Dr. Benes
and Dr. Hathaway kept saying.

Remember those guys?

They were working with you
guys on my new spaceship

and I murdered them?

Eh, probably just a coincidence.

Really? You're going
with coincidence.

Yes, Lana, I'm going
with coincidence!

Do you think that's wise?


What the hell is your problem?