Another Period (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Episode #2.9 - full transcript
Open wide.
It is pea?
Yes, darling, it's pea.
I love pea.
Oh, Laverne, I love you too.
Well, I met a boy I like.
Laverne Fusselforth the Fifth!
I mean, yes,
he's a rich media mogul
who owns every newspaper
in the western states
and also one
in the plain states.
But I love him for who he is.
And who he is
is someone who decides
who's on the cover
of every magazine in America.
You know, Laverne,
I've been thinking,
we've been together
for almost two whole days.
Don't you think it's time
you get down on one knee
and ask me to marry you?
I think I--
- I said get on one knee!
- Oh!
- Garfield, help him!
- Ah, be careful.
This knee is a plank of ivory.
Just repeat after me.
Will you marry me?
Will... you...
Marry me.
Marry me?
Yes!
Oh, yes! A thousand times, yes!
Can you say, "She said yes"?
She said yes.
♪ I want the money,
I want the fame ♪
♪ I want the whole world
to know my name ♪
♪ this is mine,
I got to get it ♪
♪ I got to get it,
got, got to get it ♪
♪ Another Period ♪
- Mr. Faft.
- It's Taft.
I have some photos
that I think
you will be very interested
to see.
Are they pictures of dogs?
Because I like dogs.
Before now your incestuous
relationship with your sister
has been dismissed as rumor,
but these photos offer
definitive proof.
That's not me.
That's Beatrice.
Look at the bottom.
- Oh, right. Oh, that's me.
- Mm-hmm.
Now you can resign
from this little experiment
as vice president,
or I release the photos
and destroy your life.
Hold on, Mr. Taft.
I have an idea.
What if...
we both be vice president?
Uh, how 'bout this--
No!
Now when you say no,
is that...
- Yes, that is a no.
- Yes?
- No.
- No, that is a yes?
- No. Yes, it's a no.
- No.
- So I'm not being blackmailed?
- You're being blackmailed.
Yes, okay.
♪ drop it down,
drop down it down low ♪
Blanche? Where's Blanche?
Black Blanche,
what do you think?
I think I don't love
that nickname.
The white makes me look like
I'm getting married
to an Italian olive oil farmer,
not a media mogul.
Maybe off-white's better.
Laverne, what do you think?
Laverne!
Laverne.
Laverne's cute little pauses
are making me realize
how much I love him
and how badly I want to marry
him really, really, really soon
before the pauses last forever.
What do you say
about getting married in,
oh, I don't know,
the next 45 minutes or so?
We'd have to wait for Bertram.
I can't have a wedding
without my grandson here.
He's my best...
friend.
♪ stuff in the grates,
I'm simply amazing ♪
Frederick!
Don't touch me.
You've ruined my life.
I'm going to lose my job
as vice president.
- What?
- It's the best job they have
except for president.
What are you talking about?
Someone took photos of us.
Sex photos.
That stands for
sexual photographs, Beatrice.
Oh, no!
What are you going to do?
What am I going to do?
You mean, what am I going to do?
- Why did you do this to me?
- Why did I do what?
Why did you create
the situation where,
over the course
of several decades,
I was tricked
into engaging in consensual
and, if I'm being honest
with myself,
extremely enjoyable
incestual sex?
I didn't trick you.
Why are you saying
it's my fault?
Oh, I suppose it's my fault?
So evil that women have bodies
that force men to do
terrible things to them.
And I don't need you standing
here tempting me right now!
I am not tempting you.
Yes, you are-- you're pointing
your supple breasts at me.
I'm just standing here
talking to you.
I can't get them
to face another way.
Exactly.
That's why I must send
all three of you away.
- What?
- You're no longer welcome here.
Around me or Bellacourt.
- You can't do that.
- Yes, I can!
I'm the vice president.
I can do whatever I want.
- No, Frederick!
- Get Bea to a nunnery!
What? No! No! Please!
I can't wear black and white
every day!
I prefer pastels!
I prefer pastels!
Thank the God of Israel
Lillian is marrying that
mummified bag of money.
The Bellacourt fortune is saved!
Mr. Bertram Harrison
Fusselforth the Seventh.
Hello, future step-family!
Oh, Grandpa,
how I've missed you.
And there you are.
- You must be the thief.
- Oh, no, I--
Because you've stolen
his heart!
How wonderful
to finally meet you, Grandma!
Oh, my,
please don't call me that.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Of course.
Would-- would you prefer nana?
Grandma's fine.
Oh, Grandpa, I've brought
you a gift for you and Grandma.
It's the Fusselforth
family diamond!
Oh, no, no, no, no, Grandpa.
Just show it to Grandma.
It's not a tapered
baguette cut!!
It's just a classic
baguette cut!
What am I, a baker's wife?
Well, who's this lovely
young lady?
Oh, that's Hortense.
But most people don't guess
her gender on the first try.
Hortense Bellacourt?
The Hortense Bellacourt,
of the "Looky-Loo"?
Yes, that's me.
I've read all your work.
All your articles.
I'm a huge fan.
I'm a huge fan of your face...
and jaw...
and arms.
Anyway, thank you.
I pour so much of my heart
and soul into my work.
Well, thank you for pouring.
I drank it all right up.
What is happening right now?
Would you like to go
for a walk with me?
May I defecate first?
Of course!
I'll wait forever.
♪ I guess in this lifetime ♪
♪ we weren't meant to be ♪
♪ yet the pictures
behind my eyeballs ♪
♪ are of only you and me ♪
♪ I only want to love you
and heaven knows I tried ♪
♪ so now the only way
is through the side ♪
♪ then I'll fuck you
in heaven ♪
♪ that's when we can live
in sin ♪
♪ when the pearly gates
are open ♪
♪ you can be inside me again ♪
♪ yes, I can be
inside you again ♪
Hello.
♪ the first time
I saw your face ♪
♪ I knew we were meant to be ♪
♪ when I looked into your eyes ♪
♪ I thought, wow,
you're just like me ♪
♪ when I go to Jesus,
you'll go down on me all day ♪
♪ when I go to the pie
in the sky, I'll lay there ♪
♪ and let you have your way ♪
♪ and then I'll fuck you
in heaven ♪
♪ that's when we can live
in sin ♪
♪ when the pearly gates
are open ♪
♪ you can be inside me again ♪
♪ yes, I can be
inside you again ♪
♪ if you can't have me,
no one else can ♪
♪ when we're dead,
I'll be your one and only man ♪
- ♪ our timing was off ♪
- ♪ our timing was bad ♪
- ♪ I blame my mom ♪
- ♪ and I blame my dad ♪
♪ which is also your dad ♪
♪ and also your mom ♪
♪ and we'll fuck
a lot in heaven ♪
♪ since we can't do it here
on Earth ♪
♪ we're not alone as lovers ♪
♪ even though we've been
together since birth ♪
♪ oh, yes, together
since birth ♪
♪ I guess in this lifetime ♪
♪ we weren't meant to be ♪
♪ but when I kill myself ♪
♪ it will finally be
you and me ♪
♪ yes, finally just you and me ♪
Mother?
Mother?
Did you come here from
Bellacourt to take me home?
No, Beatrice, I live here.
I've lived here for months.
Did you not notice
my rather extended absence?
No, I for sure noticed.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have plans to drown myself
until I die.
Oh, I wouldn't do that
if I were you.
Not until you've heard
the good news.
I love reading the work
of strong, single women.
It completely changed the way I
feel about women wearing pants.
Maybe it shouldn't even be
illegal if her doctor approves.
It is so nice
to be around
someone who understands my work.
Hore, if you'd ever consider
leaving the "Looky-Loo,"
I would love for you to write
for one of our more
prestigious publications.
"Good Housekeeping."
"The Happy Husband."
Or our new scandal rag,
"The New York Times."
Will I have to
disguise myself as a man?
I don't think
that should be a problem
as long as we get permission
from the head of the company...
me.
I thought that was Laverne's job.
Grandpa has slowed down a bit.
I'm just happy he found love
so late in life.
Hortense, have you ever
been in love?
No.
My heart hasn't felt that... yet.
Well, between us,
my heart has sped up a bit
in the time
we've just spend together.
Might be the cocaine,
but...
I don't think so.
Yes.
I feel that.
Mine too.
Oh.
I have a bit of a murmur.
- It does-- feels irregular.
- It skips every third beat.
Beatrice, this is
Father Black Donahue.
Black, this is my simplest
daughter, Beatrice.
Well, we're so pleased
to have you here.
And be "we," I mean myself
and Jesus Christ.
Jesus is here?
Well, he's not here
in-- in body.
Not until we break out
the communion bread.
That's a whole thing with
a special Jesus bread we have,
but I can't explain it.
However, I receive messages
from Jesus himself.
Wow.
Can I receive messages--
No, just me.
But I will let you know
what he says.
Oh, so beautiful, my child.
You were made in God's image,
you know.
I thought
I used to be a monkey.
Darwin was a family friend.
Charles Darwin, ha!
Darwin's now roasting in hell
for the things that he said!
And the same will happen to you
unless you join our religion...
of love.
Okay, I'll do it.
Oh, really?
I usually just do the whole
"hell" thing as wind-up.
Then comes the carrot
on the stick of heaven
and the afterlife.
- Don't need it?
- Mm-mm.
You want to hear about it,
because it's pretty great.
Um... I mean, you can tell me,
but I'm fine.
Just so you know, it'll mean
giving up any beliefs
you've had before this moment.
All right.
Okay, that's no smoking,
no drinking,
no dancing-- especially dancing.
No more sex at all.
It is very important
that the church controls
what a woman does with her body.
Don't you agree?
She can't be trusted
with that thing alone.
No, you can't be trusted
with that thing.
Oh, makes sense.
Well, this is the easiest
conversion I've ever done
I did tell you she was
my simplest child, didn't I?
Leave the biscuits out--
Oh! Bertram.
What are you doing
in my dressing chambers
at this inappropriate hour?
Well, I was hoping I might
have a word with you, Grandma?
Are you wondering
why I'm settling for jerky
when there's so much fresh meat
on the market?
I don't know what that means,
but I've already eaten.
I mean, aren't you kind of wondering
why a young lady like myself is
marrying your old grandpa?
Are you much younger than him?
Yes, by about five decades.
Ha! Time is a funny thing.
Between us, Grandma,
I think I might be falling
for your sister.
Well, that's terrible news!
Why? Love is beautiful.
I know, but I mean--
I mean, she's barren.
Well, that's perfect.
I'm sterile
from a dressage accident.
And she keeps a diary
of all of her BM's.
I mean, every ropey crap
is documented.
I mean, how disgusting.
Well, if we don't think about
what we've done,
how will we ever learn
how to grow?
What could you possible see
in Hortense?
Well, I suppose I don't see
much of anything
on account of my glaucoma.
Get up, you sniveling idiot.
I'm sorry, Celery.
It's just--
I didn't sacrifice everything
I've sacrificed
just to end up married
to some idiot
who isn't the vice president.
Ow!
I refuse to be screwed over by
you screwing your stupid sister.
We are going to do something
about this.
And here's where he resigns.
My feral Americans.
A great scourge threatens us.
A base sin
that corrodes the bonds
of the very thing
that makes us American.
That sin... is incest.
And we've all been there.
I, myself, in my youth,
allowed the temptation
of sister flesh to overtake me.
Youth? Those photos were
from a month ago.
I let my caramel urges
get the best--
Sorry.
I let my caramel nurges
get the best of me.
I betrayed myself.
I betrayed my country.
But most of all,
I betrayed my Lord and Savior,
Jesus Heaven Christ.
He's spinning this
like a pro.
Maybe he's not as dim-witted
as we thought.
And I stand before you today
with newly invigorated values
and I hereby offer myself
as the new face
of the anti-incest movement.
Because we as a nation
are too blessed for incest.
Well, I've killed
a lot of people.
Mostly accidentally.
I sometimes wish my children
had never been born.
Although I've only spoken to
my children three or four times
so I guess
it doesn't really count.
Oh, and don't tell anyone this,
but I've always thought
I was prettier than Lillian.
Hold on, let's-- let's think
of this another way.
Are there any sins
that you haven't committed?
Um...
Avarice?
Is that where I put a vagina
in my mouth,
'cause if it is,
I did that too.
We all get hungry
from time to time.
I once took a bite
of a Mexican fold-sandwich.
A taco, they called it.
Can you imagine?
That reminds me
of another sin I did--
No, that's all right.
Beatrice Downsy, I hereby
absolve you of all of your sins.
Wow. I am so happy
I could kill someone.
But I won't.
But I could.
Well, if you do,
just come back to me.
I'll do the thing again.
I like it.
The week of my wedding should
be the happiest time
of my life
and seeing Hortense happy
is completely ruining that.
So I thought it might be nice
to do something
for Bertram's glaucoma.
Then he can see Hortense
and come to his senses.
You know, as a wedding present
to myself.
What do you think, Doctor?
Grandma said if anyone
can help us, you could.
I think we should get started.
I haven't done eye surgery
in a while, but, hey,
what's the worst
that could happen?
Well, if there's one thing
Hortense hates,
it's a man
with imperfect vision.
No one likes blind people.
Go ahead and lay back.
So I'm allowed to mess up
as long as I pray
for forgiveness.
Then I get to go to heaven?
Yes, as long as you were
trying to follow the rules
in the first place--
it's one of God's many
convenient technicalities.
But after I pray, I go back
to zero on the hell scale?
Yes, prayer
is a very powerful tool.
- I once prayed away a hurricane.
- That was you?
- Yeah. You're welcome.
- Oh.
Well, if praying
keeps you out of hell,
why doesn't everybody do it?
We also believe that people
shouldn't ask too many questions
because the church
has come up with
all of the correct conclusions,
therefore, you don't need
to ask questions.
One last question.
If I were to, say, kill myself.
Oh, please do.
- What?
- Hm?
I was saying,
if I were to kill myself,
but I asked for forgiveness
right beforehand,
where am I at, heaven-wise?
- Fine.
- Oh, okay. Good to know.
I baptize you, Beatrice Downsy
nee Bellacourt,
in the name of the Father, the Son,
and the Holy Spirit.
Wow.
- Can we go again?
- No, no, no--
- I'm going.
- It doesn't count as extra.
Where is Beatrice?
I can't have
this emaciated donkey face
be my only bridesmaid.
Eat shit.
I've never had the pleasure
of marrying two people
on land before.
I'm a sea captain.
Everybody, please, it's time!
Sit down! Please!
Dear children of God,
we are gathered here
to join these two
in holy matrimony,
which is an honorable
and solemn estate--
Okay, boat boy,
get to the part
where you pronounce us
man and wife.
Repeat after me.
"I, Lillian..."
- I, both of us...
- "Take thee..."
Take each other,
right, Laverne?
I don't feel so good.
"To be your lawfully wedded
spouses..."
Okay, I know the rest.
To love and to cherish
till death us do part
according to God's
holy ordinance.
I pledge my troth unto thee
and have forsaken all others
and cleave myself unto only you.
I do.
Don't you agree, Laverne?
I think I need...
a doctor.
Or a diaper.
Okay, that wasn't word
perfect, but it will do.
May I have the ring, please?
Here you go, Grandpa.
- What's this?
- Just put it on my finger.
Put it on my finger.
Come on, Laverne.
No...
_
It is pea?
Yes, darling, it's pea.
I love pea.
Oh, Laverne, I love you too.
Well, I met a boy I like.
Laverne Fusselforth the Fifth!
I mean, yes,
he's a rich media mogul
who owns every newspaper
in the western states
and also one
in the plain states.
But I love him for who he is.
And who he is
is someone who decides
who's on the cover
of every magazine in America.
You know, Laverne,
I've been thinking,
we've been together
for almost two whole days.
Don't you think it's time
you get down on one knee
and ask me to marry you?
I think I--
- I said get on one knee!
- Oh!
- Garfield, help him!
- Ah, be careful.
This knee is a plank of ivory.
Just repeat after me.
Will you marry me?
Will... you...
Marry me.
Marry me?
Yes!
Oh, yes! A thousand times, yes!
Can you say, "She said yes"?
She said yes.
♪ I want the money,
I want the fame ♪
♪ I want the whole world
to know my name ♪
♪ this is mine,
I got to get it ♪
♪ I got to get it,
got, got to get it ♪
♪ Another Period ♪
- Mr. Faft.
- It's Taft.
I have some photos
that I think
you will be very interested
to see.
Are they pictures of dogs?
Because I like dogs.
Before now your incestuous
relationship with your sister
has been dismissed as rumor,
but these photos offer
definitive proof.
That's not me.
That's Beatrice.
Look at the bottom.
- Oh, right. Oh, that's me.
- Mm-hmm.
Now you can resign
from this little experiment
as vice president,
or I release the photos
and destroy your life.
Hold on, Mr. Taft.
I have an idea.
What if...
we both be vice president?
Uh, how 'bout this--
No!
Now when you say no,
is that...
- Yes, that is a no.
- Yes?
- No.
- No, that is a yes?
- No. Yes, it's a no.
- No.
- So I'm not being blackmailed?
- You're being blackmailed.
Yes, okay.
♪ drop it down,
drop down it down low ♪
Blanche? Where's Blanche?
Black Blanche,
what do you think?
I think I don't love
that nickname.
The white makes me look like
I'm getting married
to an Italian olive oil farmer,
not a media mogul.
Maybe off-white's better.
Laverne, what do you think?
Laverne!
Laverne.
Laverne's cute little pauses
are making me realize
how much I love him
and how badly I want to marry
him really, really, really soon
before the pauses last forever.
What do you say
about getting married in,
oh, I don't know,
the next 45 minutes or so?
We'd have to wait for Bertram.
I can't have a wedding
without my grandson here.
He's my best...
friend.
♪ stuff in the grates,
I'm simply amazing ♪
Frederick!
Don't touch me.
You've ruined my life.
I'm going to lose my job
as vice president.
- What?
- It's the best job they have
except for president.
What are you talking about?
Someone took photos of us.
Sex photos.
That stands for
sexual photographs, Beatrice.
Oh, no!
What are you going to do?
What am I going to do?
You mean, what am I going to do?
- Why did you do this to me?
- Why did I do what?
Why did you create
the situation where,
over the course
of several decades,
I was tricked
into engaging in consensual
and, if I'm being honest
with myself,
extremely enjoyable
incestual sex?
I didn't trick you.
Why are you saying
it's my fault?
Oh, I suppose it's my fault?
So evil that women have bodies
that force men to do
terrible things to them.
And I don't need you standing
here tempting me right now!
I am not tempting you.
Yes, you are-- you're pointing
your supple breasts at me.
I'm just standing here
talking to you.
I can't get them
to face another way.
Exactly.
That's why I must send
all three of you away.
- What?
- You're no longer welcome here.
Around me or Bellacourt.
- You can't do that.
- Yes, I can!
I'm the vice president.
I can do whatever I want.
- No, Frederick!
- Get Bea to a nunnery!
What? No! No! Please!
I can't wear black and white
every day!
I prefer pastels!
I prefer pastels!
Thank the God of Israel
Lillian is marrying that
mummified bag of money.
The Bellacourt fortune is saved!
Mr. Bertram Harrison
Fusselforth the Seventh.
Hello, future step-family!
Oh, Grandpa,
how I've missed you.
And there you are.
- You must be the thief.
- Oh, no, I--
Because you've stolen
his heart!
How wonderful
to finally meet you, Grandma!
Oh, my,
please don't call me that.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Of course.
Would-- would you prefer nana?
Grandma's fine.
Oh, Grandpa, I've brought
you a gift for you and Grandma.
It's the Fusselforth
family diamond!
Oh, no, no, no, no, Grandpa.
Just show it to Grandma.
It's not a tapered
baguette cut!!
It's just a classic
baguette cut!
What am I, a baker's wife?
Well, who's this lovely
young lady?
Oh, that's Hortense.
But most people don't guess
her gender on the first try.
Hortense Bellacourt?
The Hortense Bellacourt,
of the "Looky-Loo"?
Yes, that's me.
I've read all your work.
All your articles.
I'm a huge fan.
I'm a huge fan of your face...
and jaw...
and arms.
Anyway, thank you.
I pour so much of my heart
and soul into my work.
Well, thank you for pouring.
I drank it all right up.
What is happening right now?
Would you like to go
for a walk with me?
May I defecate first?
Of course!
I'll wait forever.
♪ I guess in this lifetime ♪
♪ we weren't meant to be ♪
♪ yet the pictures
behind my eyeballs ♪
♪ are of only you and me ♪
♪ I only want to love you
and heaven knows I tried ♪
♪ so now the only way
is through the side ♪
♪ then I'll fuck you
in heaven ♪
♪ that's when we can live
in sin ♪
♪ when the pearly gates
are open ♪
♪ you can be inside me again ♪
♪ yes, I can be
inside you again ♪
Hello.
♪ the first time
I saw your face ♪
♪ I knew we were meant to be ♪
♪ when I looked into your eyes ♪
♪ I thought, wow,
you're just like me ♪
♪ when I go to Jesus,
you'll go down on me all day ♪
♪ when I go to the pie
in the sky, I'll lay there ♪
♪ and let you have your way ♪
♪ and then I'll fuck you
in heaven ♪
♪ that's when we can live
in sin ♪
♪ when the pearly gates
are open ♪
♪ you can be inside me again ♪
♪ yes, I can be
inside you again ♪
♪ if you can't have me,
no one else can ♪
♪ when we're dead,
I'll be your one and only man ♪
- ♪ our timing was off ♪
- ♪ our timing was bad ♪
- ♪ I blame my mom ♪
- ♪ and I blame my dad ♪
♪ which is also your dad ♪
♪ and also your mom ♪
♪ and we'll fuck
a lot in heaven ♪
♪ since we can't do it here
on Earth ♪
♪ we're not alone as lovers ♪
♪ even though we've been
together since birth ♪
♪ oh, yes, together
since birth ♪
♪ I guess in this lifetime ♪
♪ we weren't meant to be ♪
♪ but when I kill myself ♪
♪ it will finally be
you and me ♪
♪ yes, finally just you and me ♪
Mother?
Mother?
Did you come here from
Bellacourt to take me home?
No, Beatrice, I live here.
I've lived here for months.
Did you not notice
my rather extended absence?
No, I for sure noticed.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have plans to drown myself
until I die.
Oh, I wouldn't do that
if I were you.
Not until you've heard
the good news.
I love reading the work
of strong, single women.
It completely changed the way I
feel about women wearing pants.
Maybe it shouldn't even be
illegal if her doctor approves.
It is so nice
to be around
someone who understands my work.
Hore, if you'd ever consider
leaving the "Looky-Loo,"
I would love for you to write
for one of our more
prestigious publications.
"Good Housekeeping."
"The Happy Husband."
Or our new scandal rag,
"The New York Times."
Will I have to
disguise myself as a man?
I don't think
that should be a problem
as long as we get permission
from the head of the company...
me.
I thought that was Laverne's job.
Grandpa has slowed down a bit.
I'm just happy he found love
so late in life.
Hortense, have you ever
been in love?
No.
My heart hasn't felt that... yet.
Well, between us,
my heart has sped up a bit
in the time
we've just spend together.
Might be the cocaine,
but...
I don't think so.
Yes.
I feel that.
Mine too.
Oh.
I have a bit of a murmur.
- It does-- feels irregular.
- It skips every third beat.
Beatrice, this is
Father Black Donahue.
Black, this is my simplest
daughter, Beatrice.
Well, we're so pleased
to have you here.
And be "we," I mean myself
and Jesus Christ.
Jesus is here?
Well, he's not here
in-- in body.
Not until we break out
the communion bread.
That's a whole thing with
a special Jesus bread we have,
but I can't explain it.
However, I receive messages
from Jesus himself.
Wow.
Can I receive messages--
No, just me.
But I will let you know
what he says.
Oh, so beautiful, my child.
You were made in God's image,
you know.
I thought
I used to be a monkey.
Darwin was a family friend.
Charles Darwin, ha!
Darwin's now roasting in hell
for the things that he said!
And the same will happen to you
unless you join our religion...
of love.
Okay, I'll do it.
Oh, really?
I usually just do the whole
"hell" thing as wind-up.
Then comes the carrot
on the stick of heaven
and the afterlife.
- Don't need it?
- Mm-mm.
You want to hear about it,
because it's pretty great.
Um... I mean, you can tell me,
but I'm fine.
Just so you know, it'll mean
giving up any beliefs
you've had before this moment.
All right.
Okay, that's no smoking,
no drinking,
no dancing-- especially dancing.
No more sex at all.
It is very important
that the church controls
what a woman does with her body.
Don't you agree?
She can't be trusted
with that thing alone.
No, you can't be trusted
with that thing.
Oh, makes sense.
Well, this is the easiest
conversion I've ever done
I did tell you she was
my simplest child, didn't I?
Leave the biscuits out--
Oh! Bertram.
What are you doing
in my dressing chambers
at this inappropriate hour?
Well, I was hoping I might
have a word with you, Grandma?
Are you wondering
why I'm settling for jerky
when there's so much fresh meat
on the market?
I don't know what that means,
but I've already eaten.
I mean, aren't you kind of wondering
why a young lady like myself is
marrying your old grandpa?
Are you much younger than him?
Yes, by about five decades.
Ha! Time is a funny thing.
Between us, Grandma,
I think I might be falling
for your sister.
Well, that's terrible news!
Why? Love is beautiful.
I know, but I mean--
I mean, she's barren.
Well, that's perfect.
I'm sterile
from a dressage accident.
And she keeps a diary
of all of her BM's.
I mean, every ropey crap
is documented.
I mean, how disgusting.
Well, if we don't think about
what we've done,
how will we ever learn
how to grow?
What could you possible see
in Hortense?
Well, I suppose I don't see
much of anything
on account of my glaucoma.
Get up, you sniveling idiot.
I'm sorry, Celery.
It's just--
I didn't sacrifice everything
I've sacrificed
just to end up married
to some idiot
who isn't the vice president.
Ow!
I refuse to be screwed over by
you screwing your stupid sister.
We are going to do something
about this.
And here's where he resigns.
My feral Americans.
A great scourge threatens us.
A base sin
that corrodes the bonds
of the very thing
that makes us American.
That sin... is incest.
And we've all been there.
I, myself, in my youth,
allowed the temptation
of sister flesh to overtake me.
Youth? Those photos were
from a month ago.
I let my caramel urges
get the best--
Sorry.
I let my caramel nurges
get the best of me.
I betrayed myself.
I betrayed my country.
But most of all,
I betrayed my Lord and Savior,
Jesus Heaven Christ.
He's spinning this
like a pro.
Maybe he's not as dim-witted
as we thought.
And I stand before you today
with newly invigorated values
and I hereby offer myself
as the new face
of the anti-incest movement.
Because we as a nation
are too blessed for incest.
Well, I've killed
a lot of people.
Mostly accidentally.
I sometimes wish my children
had never been born.
Although I've only spoken to
my children three or four times
so I guess
it doesn't really count.
Oh, and don't tell anyone this,
but I've always thought
I was prettier than Lillian.
Hold on, let's-- let's think
of this another way.
Are there any sins
that you haven't committed?
Um...
Avarice?
Is that where I put a vagina
in my mouth,
'cause if it is,
I did that too.
We all get hungry
from time to time.
I once took a bite
of a Mexican fold-sandwich.
A taco, they called it.
Can you imagine?
That reminds me
of another sin I did--
No, that's all right.
Beatrice Downsy, I hereby
absolve you of all of your sins.
Wow. I am so happy
I could kill someone.
But I won't.
But I could.
Well, if you do,
just come back to me.
I'll do the thing again.
I like it.
The week of my wedding should
be the happiest time
of my life
and seeing Hortense happy
is completely ruining that.
So I thought it might be nice
to do something
for Bertram's glaucoma.
Then he can see Hortense
and come to his senses.
You know, as a wedding present
to myself.
What do you think, Doctor?
Grandma said if anyone
can help us, you could.
I think we should get started.
I haven't done eye surgery
in a while, but, hey,
what's the worst
that could happen?
Well, if there's one thing
Hortense hates,
it's a man
with imperfect vision.
No one likes blind people.
Go ahead and lay back.
So I'm allowed to mess up
as long as I pray
for forgiveness.
Then I get to go to heaven?
Yes, as long as you were
trying to follow the rules
in the first place--
it's one of God's many
convenient technicalities.
But after I pray, I go back
to zero on the hell scale?
Yes, prayer
is a very powerful tool.
- I once prayed away a hurricane.
- That was you?
- Yeah. You're welcome.
- Oh.
Well, if praying
keeps you out of hell,
why doesn't everybody do it?
We also believe that people
shouldn't ask too many questions
because the church
has come up with
all of the correct conclusions,
therefore, you don't need
to ask questions.
One last question.
If I were to, say, kill myself.
Oh, please do.
- What?
- Hm?
I was saying,
if I were to kill myself,
but I asked for forgiveness
right beforehand,
where am I at, heaven-wise?
- Fine.
- Oh, okay. Good to know.
I baptize you, Beatrice Downsy
nee Bellacourt,
in the name of the Father, the Son,
and the Holy Spirit.
Wow.
- Can we go again?
- No, no, no--
- I'm going.
- It doesn't count as extra.
Where is Beatrice?
I can't have
this emaciated donkey face
be my only bridesmaid.
Eat shit.
I've never had the pleasure
of marrying two people
on land before.
I'm a sea captain.
Everybody, please, it's time!
Sit down! Please!
Dear children of God,
we are gathered here
to join these two
in holy matrimony,
which is an honorable
and solemn estate--
Okay, boat boy,
get to the part
where you pronounce us
man and wife.
Repeat after me.
"I, Lillian..."
- I, both of us...
- "Take thee..."
Take each other,
right, Laverne?
I don't feel so good.
"To be your lawfully wedded
spouses..."
Okay, I know the rest.
To love and to cherish
till death us do part
according to God's
holy ordinance.
I pledge my troth unto thee
and have forsaken all others
and cleave myself unto only you.
I do.
Don't you agree, Laverne?
I think I need...
a doctor.
Or a diaper.
Okay, that wasn't word
perfect, but it will do.
May I have the ring, please?
Here you go, Grandpa.
- What's this?
- Just put it on my finger.
Put it on my finger.
Come on, Laverne.
No...
_