Another Period (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - Episode #2.10 - full transcript

Previously on
Another Period...

Well, I met a boy I like.

Laverne Fussleforth the fifth.

What do you say about getting
married in, oh, I don't know,

the next 45 minutes or so?

We'll have to wait
for Bertram.

I can't have a wedding without
my grandson here.

How wonderful to finally
meet you, Grandma!

I might be in love
with Hortense.

What could you possibly see
in Hortense?

Well, I suppose I don't see
much of anything



on account of my glaucoma.

Earthworms don't change
into butterflies, Chair.

Someone took photos of us.

Sexual photographs, Beatrice.

You're no longer welcome here.

Oh, Frederick!

Get ye to a nunnery!

Mother?

Beatrice, I live here.

May I have the ring, please?

Put it on my finger.

♪ I want the money,
I want the fame ♪

♪ I want the whole world
to know my name ♪

♪ this is mine,
I got to get it ♪



♪ I got to get it,
got, got to get it ♪

♪ Another Period ♪

Everyone just relax.

Laverne's just taking a nap.

Give him some air!

I am a registered Red Cross lady
of the Perpetual Watch.

Oh, oh, I think he's just
playing charades.

Sack of onions!

Dead industrialist!

Does anyone else
have any guesses?

Oh, my God.

Laverne has passed.

No!

You think you're "no"?

I'm no!

No!

Laverne is in
a better place now--

not engaged to Lillian.

Oh, but this still counts
though, right?

Listen up, everyone.

There's something
I must confess.

Laverne was...

very old!

Yes, it is true.

I've known for some time.

But let me say this--

Grandpa loved life,
but more than that,

he loved love,

and I love you...

Hortense.

Where's Grandpa's ring?

- Here it is.
- No, that's my ring!

Well, seeing as you never
actually married Laverne,

I am the legal heir to his
possessions and fortunes,

so technically it's my ring.

But actually,
it's Hortense's ring

if she'll have it.

Wait, is this even legal?

I don't know.
I'm ship captain.

Yes!

I will marry you!

Wait!

You've never even seen her.

By Job, you're right.

I want to see
my beautiful bride.

But should we check
with the doctor

before you take those off?

And how necessary is it really
to see the bride

before one's marriage?

Oh, foo-fah!

I want to see your face,
damn it.

So bright.

So clear.

I can see.

Oh, my heavens.

You're Hortense?

You're...

much more...

beautiful than I ever
could've imagined.

No!

I'm so happy!

I'm so happy!

God.

Oh, God.
Fuck, yes.

Beatrice, you do not need
to flagellate yourself

to get into heaven.

This is the fifth time
I'm telling you this.

Oh, I know.

I was doing it just in case.

This may sound dramatic,

but I really don't want
to go to hell.

My dear...

Sit down.

You are not going to go to hell.

Only people who don't believe
exactly as we do

are going there.

Right.

Except for people I like.

No, people you like
will be going to hell.

A lot of them.

- What?
- Oh, yes.

One day you'll see someone
you love,

and that's really wonderful,
but the next day,

just know that they'll be
drinking and smoking

and eating taffy
at the gates of hell.

Drinking and smoking
and eating taffy

at the gates of hell?

God works in mysterious ways,

but the devil works
in plain sight.

Well, what about Lillian?

- She's not going to hell, right?
- Tell me about this Lillian.

Well, she sins all the time
and she doesn't believe

in anything, but deep down,
she's really pretty.

She's gonna go to hell.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

Maybe I should flagellate
on her behalf.

No.

Yeah, no, I don't think
that'll help.

You cannot save another person.

If that were the case, then the
Lord would save all of mankind

and no one would go to hell.

Why doesn't he?

Well, because.

Oh, yeah.

The best thing you can do
for those you love

is forcefully push your beliefs
upon them.

Thank you.

Oh.

Sweet Dodo,

may I have this one...

last dance?

Oh.

Tits on a frog!

Oh, we've done it!

It's official--

the Bellacourt fortune
has been saved.

Yes, and now it's time
to make us official.

Oh, you're right.

To love.

To money.

I'm a simple girl.

All I want is a little RBP--

rubies, beluga, and property.

And here we go, you retched,
horrible creature.

Soup for you,
you hideous old child.

Eat up, old hobo.

Gee, thanks, missus.

'Tis the best bowl of soup
I ever did eat, I did.

Oh, I almost forgot.

You've been served.

They're divorce papers.

You are not an easy woman
to track down.

Shit on my tits!

♪ all hands
on the limousine, bitch ♪

Brunch, did you recently
catch obesity?

Oh!

You're fat.

Well, sir, it's Blanche,
and no, I am with child.

Oh.

Well, that would be adorable

if not for your chilling lack
of a partner

and basement-level
social standing.

It's sad.

My husband and I are going
to raise this child together.

Victor, would you ever want
to have a child?

Sometimes I hunger for a womb
of my own.

Yes.

Yes, I think with my thin,
aristocratic blood

and my familial propensity
towards large-scale violence,

this child would have
sure footing in this life.

I'd be willing
to rear my own spawn

if it had almond-shaped eyes

and dressed primarily
in sailor suits.

Mm.

Forgive me, but don't you both
have multiple children already?

Oh, my God.

Are you brain damaged
or just organically stupid?

Not from our wives.
Love child.

Yeah.

A child who would have mud-brown
hair, very straight spine.

His name would be Tiberius
and he would only communicate

through dance.

Tiberius, handsome name.

Like the proud Roman emperor
who oversaw

the administrative apparatus
that killed Christ.

Oh!

I have a wonderful idea.

We will take her child
and raise it as our own.

Mm.
Well, what if it's a girl?

Well, we do live
next to the Atlantic Ocean.

We can teach her to sail
with the old heave-ho.

We would drown her.

♪ swear I'm always on ♪

♪ grinding 24 and all ♪

- Hi, Mother.
- Oh!

It's me.

I stowed away
like a piece of luggage.

What are you doing here?

- I'm on a very special mission.
- So am I.

I'm going to get Lillian
to repent for all her sins

so I don't have to go to
the heaven party alone.

Please let me come.

I hate going to parties
by myself.

Aren't you worried about
Frederick finding out?

He and his henchmen
seem quite intent

on keeping you in the abbey.

Mother, I can't be in danger
with God protecting me.

It's not always
as black and white as that.

Yes, it is.
Look at my outfit.

That is not actually
a refutation of the argument.

Well, I'm not worried about
my reputation.

Now that I'm saved,
God will give me anything I want

and nothing bad can ever happen.

That's how it works.

- ♪ in my dream ♪
- ♪ in my dream ♪

♪ you're there
in a warm embrace ♪

♪ a warm embrace ♪

Welcome home, Lady Dodo.

And me, Beatrice.

I'm here too as well.

Yes, and Lady Beatrice.

Peepers, do you have
your horsehair brush?

Of course, madam.

Shall I brush your hair?

No, the carriage rolled
through a pile of cow shit.

Scrub the wheels.

Yes, madam.

And in that moment,

I've never been more proud
to be head butler.

It's been a long while
since I've been home.

Well, it's not really
your home anymore, is it?

Welcome to my home, Dodo.

I have nothing to say to you.

I need audience
with the Commodore.

His schedule has been so busy,

what with making love to me
and buying me everything I want,

but I'll check and see
if he has an opening

other than my vagina.

Beautiful morning
for a garbage dump, isn't it?

Yes, the breeze really
brings out the trash notes

in the garbage.

Yes.

There's something almost
romantic about it.

Cliffside garbage dump, huh?

Oh, just the thought of it
makes me horny.

Hamish...

we were having a private
conversation.

Garfield, you know when you're
taking a piss, you're like,

"Wait a second, when's the last
time I drank a bottle

of hot sand and broken glass?"

Ho! 'Cause that's what's coming
out of it.

I don't-- I don't know that.

Oh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hold on there.

Don't throw that away, huh?

Cheese never goes bad,

but I bet you do, right?

Please.

That really hurts.

Makes me feel very unsafe.

I'm sorry.
I--

you don't know this--
why would you?

But that-- that actually
was a major setback for me,

saying that.

It's a thing I do.

Sexualizing women, it's--

it's really just insecurity,
or rather self-hatred

masking as aggression.

I-- I read that in a book.

I just learned to read,

by the way.

Sorry.

I'll go.

Oh, Laverne, I wish
I knew you longer.

Maybe you had
more worldly possessions

than this lap blanket.

I guess I'll never know.

What else can I burn?

Oh, Lillian, there you are.

Beatrice, would you
like some...

...taffy?

That's the devil's chew!

Don't take this the wrong way,
but you're going to hell.

Because of taffy?

No, but the good news
is I'm here to save you.

Laverne is dead.
Hortense is married.

I'm drunk.

No, Lillian, listen to me.

All you have to do is say
you're sorry for everything

you've ever done
and you can attend

the heaven party with me.

The only thing I'm sorry about

is that this cocaine wine
bottle's empty.

Now I'm gonna go do some drugs

and drink all the liquor
in the house.

And then you'll say
you're sorry?

Uh...

no.

But I'm trying to stop you
from going to hell!

This is really bad.

Dodo!

I know what you're going to say.

Oh, that I find divorce
embarrassing?

A social failure befitting the
likes of a Scottish viscount?

No.

That I would be
the first woman

in my family's 3,000-year
lineage to end a marriage

for a reason other than
a bear attack?

No, that you want me back.

Oh, I assure you, I do not.

This charade has gone on
long enough.

I'm prepared to sign the papers.

Like a fingerless man attempting
to operate a doorknob,

I know when I've been defeated,

but I'm going to want
a few things--

the October home in Prague,
the eldest emu,

the little man that we bring out
every Christmas

to scare the carolers.

- Terence.
- No!

No Terence!

No homes,
no large flightless birds.

You get nothing!

Commie, you're not really
going to let her to do this?

You gave all my money away
to charity.

Dodo, this seems like justice.

Well...

I suppose I'll just take
the abbey then.

Wait.
We own an abbey?

Yes, the Newport Abbey and
Balsamic Vinegar Sanctuary.

You see, I-- I need a place
to go to live out my life

in my solitary humiliation.

Well, that shouldn't be
a problem, Dorothea.

No.

When I say I want it all,

I want it all...

From bean to bar,

nook to nunnery.

You get nothing.

Darling, who gives a crap?

We've the Fussleforth fortune.

I give a crap!

I want your money,

your man,

and your dignity.

Oh, my dignity?

Suck a plum, that's good.

I'm giving you
almost everything,

and you know deep inside
you're worth nothing.

You'll never be better than that
Montreal brothel

in which you were spawned,
you miscreant floozy.

I'd be careful.

She won't have sex with you
if you talk like that.

I might be a miscreant floozy,

but I'm the miscreant floozy
who's gonna own that abbey.

Well, I suppose there's
only one respectable way

to settle this--

with a duel.

I will gladly duel you,

old hag.

A duel!

What the hell
is going on here?

Um, Lady Beatrice locked up
the liquor.

Oh, that little bitch is gonna
find God sooner than she thinks.

Oh, Garfield, I need alcohol!

Where can I find alcohol?

Where? Where?
Where?

Where?
Where?

Well, at the--

there's always a bar.

A bar?

A bar of what?

A bar is a place where people
go to drink alcohol.

Oh.

Take me to this bar
you speak of.

I want to go where nobody
knows my name.

Madam,

Mademoiselle....

Your dueling swords.

Whoever draws blood first wins.

In the event of a tie,
we will do a sudden death round

wherein whoever suffers
a sudden death loses.

Mademoiselle.

En guard!

Aging madame.

And one, two,
buckle my shoe.

Let us go and have a duel!

Lillian?

Mary, have you seen Lillian?

Oh.

Mary, don't be afraid.

I'm a child of God now.

You can tell me.

You can tell me anything.

As long as it's not a den of sin

or a place where alcohol
is served,

no harm will come to you
or your family.

Where is she, Mary?

Where is she?

Ah, yes.

Classic Double Conundrum.

Pig in a Poke, Reverse Foghat,
Schoolmarm's Got a Secret,

and Hooray for the Circus Boy.

Where's my Caustic?, Backwards
Bishop, A Rose for a Mute,

and a Portuguese Goodbye!

Paling into
a Gypsy's Rendezvous.

It's time for you
to fold, Chair.

Never, you bitch!

My glasses!

Oh, A Poke For Polly.

Well, there was a great bit
of swashing and buckling

from both sides,
but I think it's very clear

that Celine "Chair" Bouffant
is the victor.

Look at you.

I have your family, you fortune,
your manor.

Everything.

You're right.

You've won.

Just kill me.

You're pathetic.

Keep your little abbey.