Another Period (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Harvard - full transcript
Albert Einstein is at Bellacourt Manor to ask the Commodore for a favor, while the Commodore in turn has thoughts of his own regarding Einstein's visit. With their impasse, Einstein instead makes a connection with someone else at the manor, namely Beatrice, who is not afraid to show a specific side of herself to him. The question is if she is willing to show this side of herself to others at the expense of what she's long held as being the priority in her life. The answer to that question may be easier to answer with Frederick also at the manor catching up with his Harvard colleagues. Pregnant Blanche is now showing, she who has not talked about her delicate condition to anyone. Peepers takes the matter into his own hands, he who thinks he has a perfect Plan B when Plan A doesn't seem to come to pass. And Lillian learns that there is something called a condom for which she can have sex without procreation. Sex starved Lillian has to find a way, number one to get a condom, which is not the easiest thing in the world to get for a "single" female in 1903 Newport, and number two to find a man to use it with her.
W-w-will there be
anything else, my ladies?
Ooh.
"W-w-w-will there be
anything else, my lady?"
The word "will" doesn't have
that many Ws.
Actually,
it doesn't have any.
Well, men who don't think
women are funny
ought to watch Blanche
deal with her stupid problems.
As much as I hate
to admit it,
it was a trifle amusing
to see her cry.
How do people
even get that fat?
I think Blanche
is pregnant.
Well, at least someone
around here is having sex.
I'm so amorous,
I'm beginning to miss
my required monthly penetration
with Victor.
Poor Blanche.
She should've used a condom.
Wait. What?
A "con-dahm"?
Yes, you know,
that thing you use
so you can have sex
for pleasure
without getting pregnant.
I can have sex for pleasure?
Without spawning a child?
Like I'm some kind of man?
♪ hallelujah ♪
♪ hallelujah ♪
♪ hallelujah ♪
♪ hallelujah ♪
Garfield,
I need a con-dahm.
♪ I want the money,
I want the fame ♪
♪ I want the whole world
to know my name ♪
♪ this is mine,
I got to get it ♪
♪ I got to get it,
got, got to get it ♪
♪ Another Period ♪
Listen, Einstein.
I haven't all day.
I'm giving you 30 seconds.
Okay, well,
um, I have some big ideas.
This is the formula
for the gravitation
of the planet,
what Isaac Newton f--
- Ah!
- Ooh.
30 seconds are up.
Next time,
you should probably open
with a joke or something.
- Yep.
- No, no, please.
Shtop.
The truth is,
I need your magnets,
for my studies.
You have the most
magnificent supply
anywhere on the earth.
I want access.
The future of science
depends on it!
Boy, I've seen the future.
I'll show you.
That is a big, fat penis?
No.
It's a refrigerator.
Right now, only 100 people
have these,
but in the future,
everyone will,
and I want to sell
every one of them
their own magnet.
Please,
come to my office!
I want to show you
my designs!
Look.
I got new foot bicycles.
See?
Whoa.
I...
♪ o Canada ♪
♪ our home and native land ♪
♪ true patriot lo-o-ove ♪
♪ with all our hearts command ♪
Ah!
Oh, oh, my.
Oh, my, Doctor,
you're-- you're--
- Canadian.
- Canadian?
- Yes.
- Have you come here
to blow up Bellacourt Manor?
That is a grave insult
to my people.
We are a peaceful people.
I always suspected
there was something
vaguely foreign
about that doctor,
but Jewish and Canadian?
How many impediments
must one man overcome?
Oh, please, Peepers,
please don't tell anyone
about this.
I-- I can't go back
to French Canada.
Very well, sir.
I will do what I can
to help you,
but in the meantime,
do not pour that syrup
on the pancakes.
This is America.
I've heard all aboot it--
about it!
- H-A-R...
- VARD!
- H-A-R...
- VARD!
- H-A-R...
- VARD!
What does it spell?
To the best people
on earth.
And to our newest VP,
Frederick Bellacourt.
Cheers.
Cheers.
You won't be surprised to know
that I attended
the hallowed halls of Harvard,
which is, I believe,
a college.
So, John-John,
how are things
over at the, uh--
what are you doing again?
Are you the governor
of the Philippines?
Or are you America's
greatest novelist?
I'm ashamed to say it,
but I am
recently unemployed.
Dear God,
are you homeless?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I still have all seven.
Either way,
I know what to do.
We shall set you up
with a job
writing for
the "Simpson's Review."
Ah, "Simpson's,"
a Harvard degree
virtually guarantees
a position there.
Ah, you'd do that for me?
To Harvard!
To Harvard!
♪ I ♪
♪ want you here ♪
♪ with me ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ need you now ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ want you here ♪
♪ to stay ♪
♪ I need you ♪
♪ I need you right now ♪
♪ inside ♪
♪ and ♪
♪ out ♪
♪ ah ♪
Yes, I suppose
one of these will do.
Garfield, I want
to have sex for pleasure
- with one of those men.
- Pardon?
Take me
to the con-dahm store.
Um, would it be possible,
um, for you to procure
this abortive device
on your own?
They won't sell one
to me.
You have to have a penis
in order to buy
something to put on a penis.
It just makes sense.
Now come,
and bring your penis.
Yes.
♪ I'm all about my money ♪
♪ so, homey, talk dollar ♪
Oh.
- Blanche.
- Okay.
You and I need
to have a powwow.
Oh.
Now, there are
two things I know for sure.
One is that
you're disgusting.
Two is that you're
a failure as a woman.
What I don't know is
how this pregnancy happened.
Who is responsible
for this womb of ill repute?
Was it Hamish?
Garfield?
Syphilis Joe?
Professor Plum?
Whom?
Now, I am a fair
and kind man.
Whoever did this
will get a slap on the wrist
before you are beaten
and thrown into the streets.
Oh, it wasn't anyone
I met at Bellacourt.
It was a man I met
at the asylum.
We didn't plan it.
We just...
fell in love.
Wretched. Go on.
Well, in my defense,
most women never leave
the asylum.
They just deteriorate mentally
until they hang themselves
or one of the orderlies gets
sick of their incessant wailing
and drowns them in the river.
Sorry.
I could see how that
could be traumatizing.
Just made me think of a joke.
Ugh, this is all my fault.
I committed Blanche
to that insane asylum
based on the word
of that con artist Chair.
Now I put Blanche
in this situation,
and it is my duty
to make it right.
Well, Einstein, if you don't
believe in personal magnets,
you lack vision.
Why don't you pack
your chalkboard
and get the fuck out?
Which one of you
solved my equation?
Uh, that, uh, seems
like something I would do.
- It was me.
- Stop trying to take
credit for my work.
I probably did it.
People have been assuring me
I'm good at things
ever since I won
my first regatta.
Are you talking about
the white dust number picture?
That was me.
I chalked it.
I-- I did.
When I looked at the drawing,
I saw that
height, depth, and width
were represented,
but then I thought,
"What about time?"
Since space has three dimensions
and time is one-dimensional,
I thought space-time must be
a four-dimensional object,
and as far as I can think,
both space and time
can be divided without limit
in size or duration.
Und therefore...
Space-time
does not evolve.
It simply...
- exists.
- Exists.
Yes.
Well, no one
likes a show-off.
I'm sorry, fellas.
I'll take care of this.
Stop trying to humiliate me!
It's humiliating!
I'm so sorry.
I--
Sorry.
You're a slut!
What are you doing?
You idiots!
Oh-ho-ho, we're idiots,
are we?
Where did we go to school?
- H-A-R...
- VARD!
Go, Garfield.
Just go.
Go. Go.
Yes.
Well, what do I
want today?
Whatever you need,
ask Duane Reade.
Well, I would love a box
of toothache powder.
Mm-hmm.
Best I got.
Yes, and some of the, um,
stop being gay pills.
No, I'm stocked up on those.
Just, um, some toilet tissues.
Don't mind if I do.
For doo-doo.
Where is my con-dahm?
I know.
I'm a failure.
I couldn't do it.
Ugh.
I'll do it myself.
- Yes?
- Hi.
I'd like to purchase
a con-dahm.
Yes. Shh. Shh.
Cops could hear you.
Are you crazy?
Crazy horny.
Uh, we don't sell
rubber skins here,
certainly not to a woman,
of all people.
Well, then, how am I supposed
to have sex for pleasure?
Why don't you ask
the other gals
on the corner of Unwed Road
and Whore Boulevard?
I'm a whore
because I want to have sex?
Don't you want to have sex?
Of course
I want to have sex.
I love sex.
It feels so good on my penis.
So unless you'd like
to go around back
and get bent over a pallet
of Gold Medal flour
or get arrested,
I suggest you leave.
Bent over?
I don't even like
that position.
I'm more of a "lay there
and take it" kind of gal.
Oh.
♪ I told the bitch
that I lean like a cholo ♪
Now, I know how
I came to this theory,
but how did you think of it?
Und so quickly?
Well...
I suppose that depends
on where you think
thoughts come from.
Ach, du lieber.
Ja.
Is an idea ever truly ours?
Or does it come from some place
inside the brain
that we can only sometimes
access yet never truly define?
Exactly.
So I think
the thoughts that I think
are thoughts
that were already thoughts
just waiting to be thought.
But until they're ready
to be thought,
they remain
unthought thoughts,
but as soon as the unthought
thoughts are thought,
they become
thought thoughts,
but the thought thoughts
that were previously
unthought thoughts
are preexisting thoughts
and therefore
not our thoughts to claim.
Although,
I do think it's nice
to think that we could think
of unthought thoughts
and make them thought thoughts
just by thinking of them.
Wait.
What about time?
Uh, it's relative,
but not the kind
you sleep with.
Psst, condom girl.
Come here.
Come here.
Is this a mugging?
If so, I haven't any money.
I'm sorry.
That sounded so ridiculous
coming out of my mouth
because I literally
have millions of dollars.
I just don't have
any money on me.
It's all in real estate.
Oh, but if you want
to mug someone,
why don't you mug him?
No.
I'm not trying to mug you.
It's me, Eunice.
Look, I know where
you can get a con-dahm.
It's 42 Back Alley Lane right
behind the coat hanger factory.
Tell 'em Eunice sent you.
You get a 10% discount.
Uh, hi.
I-I'm looking for Abortion Deb.
Uh, well, first of all,
I much prefer the name
Healthcare Deb.
It's much more accurate
to what I actually do.
Abortion really
is only 3%
of the medical procedures
that I--
I'm not interested
in your origin story.
I just wanted to start
having sex for pleasure.
I'd like to purchase
a con-dahm.
Oh, all right.
Garfield,
pay the abortionist.
Beatrice,
you must come to Zurich
with me.
If we put our brains together,
we can think
the unthought thoughts
that no one's ever
dreamed of thinking.
What would we do there?
We would change the world,
of course.
I was planning
to do it by myself,
but it would be much faster
and better with you.
- With me?
- Ja, you.
- Me, Beatrice?
- You, Beatrice.
- How would I eat?
- We have restaurants.
When do you sleep
over there?
- At nighttime.
- How does time work?
- The same way.
- How do I take chowder baths?
We go up to Norway
for that.
But what about cheese time?
We have great cheese
in Switzerland.
Have you never heard
of swiss cheese?
- The one that the mice like?
- Mm-mm.
It's time for you to stop
pretending to be regular und...
come und be great.
I have to think
about it.
Beatrice!
- The other way.
- Oh, uh...
B-Beatrice!
Ah.
Here she is.
Oh, Virgil.
Oh, I can't believe
I'm finally in your arms again.
I've missed you so.
You know, I wrote you letter
after letter
after letter
after letter.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I've been really busy.
Yeah, well...
me too.
Why don't we sit down?
Oh.
Now...
Virgil, um,
why don't you
explain to Blanche
what you were telling me?
Okay.
I had my way with you,
and you had no say
in the matter.
Oh, but--
but we made love.
I made love
on top of you.
Oh, grapes.
Oh, yes.
Where does that leave us?
Well...
I'm probably not gonna
take care of your tot.
I probably won't even
remember your name.
Blanche.
Can I have some
of those pastries?
Those are
for the family.
I don't even know
why I asked.
Usually I just take.
Also, I'd lose the hat.
When I raped you,
you weren't wearing a hat.
Now you're wearing a hat,
it's like I wouldn't
even rape you.
Hello, boys.
I would like to inform you all
that I am in possession
of a con-dahm,
and I would like to have sex
with one of you for pleasure,
not for children.
Sorry, Lillian.
Missed your window.
Besides, this
is not a good time.
We're watching slides
of our freshman year
Harvard-Yale game.
Oh, God, I hope we win.
Get!
- Ah!
- Touchdown!
- Yeah!
- Ha-ha-ha!
Hi.
Would you like
to have sex for pleasure?
I'm engaged
to a Rockefeller.
Touchdown!
Sex for pleasure?
I am also engaged
to a Rockefeller.
Oh!
Hi. Let's have sex.
Oh, uh,
no, thank you.
What do you mean,
no, thank you?
Here's the thing.
You're not really my type.
Uh, I mean, I could maybe
see you as a cool, older friend
or something,
but as a Harvard man,
I tend to go
for younger, hotter women.
Oh!
No.
Yes!
Wait!
Stop schlittschuhlaufen away!
Beatrice.
Most people live
their entire lives
und they never get
this moment.
You cannot allow this
to happen to a mind like yours.
Ah, Beatrice.
Is the mustard and
beans bell broken?
We're hungry in there.
Why are you still talking
to this unkempt foreigner?
Because she is saying
she is leaving with me.
Leaving?
With me?
With Albert Einstein.
You can't leave me.
Sure, I don't live here,
and we hardly ever
see each other,
and I'm married
to another woman,
but you can't leave me.
I need you, Beatrice.
Did you know that sometimes
dogs can be horses
but horses
can never be dogs?
What is this you're saying?
I don't know.
I never know.
I like marshmallows.
I also enjoy a good 'mallow.
I see.
You are pretending
to be stupid
so that you can stay
with this idiot.
Hey, I went
to Harvard.
Well...
then I guess it's
auf Wiedersehen, meine Liebchen.
Sauerkraut to you too.
Well, my matchmaking
was a bit of a bust,
but I have another idea
of who can wed Blanche.
Dr. Goldberg.
- Yes.
- I think I may have solved
your little immigration problem.
You can stay in this country
by marrying Blanche the servant.
Now, which one is Blanche?
Is that the black girl?
Dr. Goldberg,
I'm surprised at you.
It's 1903.
The correct term is nigger.
I'll never make
that mistake twice.
Pie-faced gal,
woebegone eyes,
cloud of desperation
hovering above her,
destroyed body,
nine months pregnant.
Yes, yes, I call her
Shattered Sally in my head.
You know what?
Of course I'll marry her.
You've been a wonderful friend
to me, Mr. Peepers,
a wonderful friend indeed,
and I'm "sore-ry"
I ever doubted you.
Oh, no, no, sir.
In this country,
we say "sorry."
If you're going to be
an American,
act like an American;
shoot someone, do something.
Yes, steal some land
from the Indians.
Ha-ha-ha!
How dare you.
I'm "sore-ry."
I'm "sore-ry."
I'm sorry.
I'm "sore-ry."
I'm "sore-ry."
Garfield.
Remove this from my sight.
I shall dispose
of it at once.
Oh, unless you'd like
to use it with me.
What?
Please, Ms. Lillian,
use your condom with me.
Have nude relations
with me.
You're ever so arousing.
Garfield, this is
completely inappropriate.
Well, I can't
control myself.
Garfield, I will never
have sex with you.
Never!
You're a servant,
and I'm a queen.
Please?
I can't blame you for trying,
but the answer is no.
Nothing makes me
feel more like myself
than crushing
someone's sex dreams.
A good servant always knows
what his master needs.
And McConnell,
who's the cornerback,
who's a big man,
he has the pigskin in his hand,
and he can see Gus Davis, who's
the tight end down the line.
I know.
I couldn't believe it either
when I first saw
or heard about it.
But he throws it, and the
pigskin sails through the air--
I'm sorry.
There's something
I have to do.
_
anything else, my ladies?
Ooh.
"W-w-w-will there be
anything else, my lady?"
The word "will" doesn't have
that many Ws.
Actually,
it doesn't have any.
Well, men who don't think
women are funny
ought to watch Blanche
deal with her stupid problems.
As much as I hate
to admit it,
it was a trifle amusing
to see her cry.
How do people
even get that fat?
I think Blanche
is pregnant.
Well, at least someone
around here is having sex.
I'm so amorous,
I'm beginning to miss
my required monthly penetration
with Victor.
Poor Blanche.
She should've used a condom.
Wait. What?
A "con-dahm"?
Yes, you know,
that thing you use
so you can have sex
for pleasure
without getting pregnant.
I can have sex for pleasure?
Without spawning a child?
Like I'm some kind of man?
♪ hallelujah ♪
♪ hallelujah ♪
♪ hallelujah ♪
♪ hallelujah ♪
Garfield,
I need a con-dahm.
♪ I want the money,
I want the fame ♪
♪ I want the whole world
to know my name ♪
♪ this is mine,
I got to get it ♪
♪ I got to get it,
got, got to get it ♪
♪ Another Period ♪
Listen, Einstein.
I haven't all day.
I'm giving you 30 seconds.
Okay, well,
um, I have some big ideas.
This is the formula
for the gravitation
of the planet,
what Isaac Newton f--
- Ah!
- Ooh.
30 seconds are up.
Next time,
you should probably open
with a joke or something.
- Yep.
- No, no, please.
Shtop.
The truth is,
I need your magnets,
for my studies.
You have the most
magnificent supply
anywhere on the earth.
I want access.
The future of science
depends on it!
Boy, I've seen the future.
I'll show you.
That is a big, fat penis?
No.
It's a refrigerator.
Right now, only 100 people
have these,
but in the future,
everyone will,
and I want to sell
every one of them
their own magnet.
Please,
come to my office!
I want to show you
my designs!
Look.
I got new foot bicycles.
See?
Whoa.
I...
♪ o Canada ♪
♪ our home and native land ♪
♪ true patriot lo-o-ove ♪
♪ with all our hearts command ♪
Ah!
Oh, oh, my.
Oh, my, Doctor,
you're-- you're--
- Canadian.
- Canadian?
- Yes.
- Have you come here
to blow up Bellacourt Manor?
That is a grave insult
to my people.
We are a peaceful people.
I always suspected
there was something
vaguely foreign
about that doctor,
but Jewish and Canadian?
How many impediments
must one man overcome?
Oh, please, Peepers,
please don't tell anyone
about this.
I-- I can't go back
to French Canada.
Very well, sir.
I will do what I can
to help you,
but in the meantime,
do not pour that syrup
on the pancakes.
This is America.
I've heard all aboot it--
about it!
- H-A-R...
- VARD!
- H-A-R...
- VARD!
- H-A-R...
- VARD!
What does it spell?
To the best people
on earth.
And to our newest VP,
Frederick Bellacourt.
Cheers.
Cheers.
You won't be surprised to know
that I attended
the hallowed halls of Harvard,
which is, I believe,
a college.
So, John-John,
how are things
over at the, uh--
what are you doing again?
Are you the governor
of the Philippines?
Or are you America's
greatest novelist?
I'm ashamed to say it,
but I am
recently unemployed.
Dear God,
are you homeless?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I still have all seven.
Either way,
I know what to do.
We shall set you up
with a job
writing for
the "Simpson's Review."
Ah, "Simpson's,"
a Harvard degree
virtually guarantees
a position there.
Ah, you'd do that for me?
To Harvard!
To Harvard!
♪ I ♪
♪ want you here ♪
♪ with me ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ need you now ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ want you here ♪
♪ to stay ♪
♪ I need you ♪
♪ I need you right now ♪
♪ inside ♪
♪ and ♪
♪ out ♪
♪ ah ♪
Yes, I suppose
one of these will do.
Garfield, I want
to have sex for pleasure
- with one of those men.
- Pardon?
Take me
to the con-dahm store.
Um, would it be possible,
um, for you to procure
this abortive device
on your own?
They won't sell one
to me.
You have to have a penis
in order to buy
something to put on a penis.
It just makes sense.
Now come,
and bring your penis.
Yes.
♪ I'm all about my money ♪
♪ so, homey, talk dollar ♪
Oh.
- Blanche.
- Okay.
You and I need
to have a powwow.
Oh.
Now, there are
two things I know for sure.
One is that
you're disgusting.
Two is that you're
a failure as a woman.
What I don't know is
how this pregnancy happened.
Who is responsible
for this womb of ill repute?
Was it Hamish?
Garfield?
Syphilis Joe?
Professor Plum?
Whom?
Now, I am a fair
and kind man.
Whoever did this
will get a slap on the wrist
before you are beaten
and thrown into the streets.
Oh, it wasn't anyone
I met at Bellacourt.
It was a man I met
at the asylum.
We didn't plan it.
We just...
fell in love.
Wretched. Go on.
Well, in my defense,
most women never leave
the asylum.
They just deteriorate mentally
until they hang themselves
or one of the orderlies gets
sick of their incessant wailing
and drowns them in the river.
Sorry.
I could see how that
could be traumatizing.
Just made me think of a joke.
Ugh, this is all my fault.
I committed Blanche
to that insane asylum
based on the word
of that con artist Chair.
Now I put Blanche
in this situation,
and it is my duty
to make it right.
Well, Einstein, if you don't
believe in personal magnets,
you lack vision.
Why don't you pack
your chalkboard
and get the fuck out?
Which one of you
solved my equation?
Uh, that, uh, seems
like something I would do.
- It was me.
- Stop trying to take
credit for my work.
I probably did it.
People have been assuring me
I'm good at things
ever since I won
my first regatta.
Are you talking about
the white dust number picture?
That was me.
I chalked it.
I-- I did.
When I looked at the drawing,
I saw that
height, depth, and width
were represented,
but then I thought,
"What about time?"
Since space has three dimensions
and time is one-dimensional,
I thought space-time must be
a four-dimensional object,
and as far as I can think,
both space and time
can be divided without limit
in size or duration.
Und therefore...
Space-time
does not evolve.
It simply...
- exists.
- Exists.
Yes.
Well, no one
likes a show-off.
I'm sorry, fellas.
I'll take care of this.
Stop trying to humiliate me!
It's humiliating!
I'm so sorry.
I--
Sorry.
You're a slut!
What are you doing?
You idiots!
Oh-ho-ho, we're idiots,
are we?
Where did we go to school?
- H-A-R...
- VARD!
Go, Garfield.
Just go.
Go. Go.
Yes.
Well, what do I
want today?
Whatever you need,
ask Duane Reade.
Well, I would love a box
of toothache powder.
Mm-hmm.
Best I got.
Yes, and some of the, um,
stop being gay pills.
No, I'm stocked up on those.
Just, um, some toilet tissues.
Don't mind if I do.
For doo-doo.
Where is my con-dahm?
I know.
I'm a failure.
I couldn't do it.
Ugh.
I'll do it myself.
- Yes?
- Hi.
I'd like to purchase
a con-dahm.
Yes. Shh. Shh.
Cops could hear you.
Are you crazy?
Crazy horny.
Uh, we don't sell
rubber skins here,
certainly not to a woman,
of all people.
Well, then, how am I supposed
to have sex for pleasure?
Why don't you ask
the other gals
on the corner of Unwed Road
and Whore Boulevard?
I'm a whore
because I want to have sex?
Don't you want to have sex?
Of course
I want to have sex.
I love sex.
It feels so good on my penis.
So unless you'd like
to go around back
and get bent over a pallet
of Gold Medal flour
or get arrested,
I suggest you leave.
Bent over?
I don't even like
that position.
I'm more of a "lay there
and take it" kind of gal.
Oh.
♪ I told the bitch
that I lean like a cholo ♪
Now, I know how
I came to this theory,
but how did you think of it?
Und so quickly?
Well...
I suppose that depends
on where you think
thoughts come from.
Ach, du lieber.
Ja.
Is an idea ever truly ours?
Or does it come from some place
inside the brain
that we can only sometimes
access yet never truly define?
Exactly.
So I think
the thoughts that I think
are thoughts
that were already thoughts
just waiting to be thought.
But until they're ready
to be thought,
they remain
unthought thoughts,
but as soon as the unthought
thoughts are thought,
they become
thought thoughts,
but the thought thoughts
that were previously
unthought thoughts
are preexisting thoughts
and therefore
not our thoughts to claim.
Although,
I do think it's nice
to think that we could think
of unthought thoughts
and make them thought thoughts
just by thinking of them.
Wait.
What about time?
Uh, it's relative,
but not the kind
you sleep with.
Psst, condom girl.
Come here.
Come here.
Is this a mugging?
If so, I haven't any money.
I'm sorry.
That sounded so ridiculous
coming out of my mouth
because I literally
have millions of dollars.
I just don't have
any money on me.
It's all in real estate.
Oh, but if you want
to mug someone,
why don't you mug him?
No.
I'm not trying to mug you.
It's me, Eunice.
Look, I know where
you can get a con-dahm.
It's 42 Back Alley Lane right
behind the coat hanger factory.
Tell 'em Eunice sent you.
You get a 10% discount.
Uh, hi.
I-I'm looking for Abortion Deb.
Uh, well, first of all,
I much prefer the name
Healthcare Deb.
It's much more accurate
to what I actually do.
Abortion really
is only 3%
of the medical procedures
that I--
I'm not interested
in your origin story.
I just wanted to start
having sex for pleasure.
I'd like to purchase
a con-dahm.
Oh, all right.
Garfield,
pay the abortionist.
Beatrice,
you must come to Zurich
with me.
If we put our brains together,
we can think
the unthought thoughts
that no one's ever
dreamed of thinking.
What would we do there?
We would change the world,
of course.
I was planning
to do it by myself,
but it would be much faster
and better with you.
- With me?
- Ja, you.
- Me, Beatrice?
- You, Beatrice.
- How would I eat?
- We have restaurants.
When do you sleep
over there?
- At nighttime.
- How does time work?
- The same way.
- How do I take chowder baths?
We go up to Norway
for that.
But what about cheese time?
We have great cheese
in Switzerland.
Have you never heard
of swiss cheese?
- The one that the mice like?
- Mm-mm.
It's time for you to stop
pretending to be regular und...
come und be great.
I have to think
about it.
Beatrice!
- The other way.
- Oh, uh...
B-Beatrice!
Ah.
Here she is.
Oh, Virgil.
Oh, I can't believe
I'm finally in your arms again.
I've missed you so.
You know, I wrote you letter
after letter
after letter
after letter.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I've been really busy.
Yeah, well...
me too.
Why don't we sit down?
Oh.
Now...
Virgil, um,
why don't you
explain to Blanche
what you were telling me?
Okay.
I had my way with you,
and you had no say
in the matter.
Oh, but--
but we made love.
I made love
on top of you.
Oh, grapes.
Oh, yes.
Where does that leave us?
Well...
I'm probably not gonna
take care of your tot.
I probably won't even
remember your name.
Blanche.
Can I have some
of those pastries?
Those are
for the family.
I don't even know
why I asked.
Usually I just take.
Also, I'd lose the hat.
When I raped you,
you weren't wearing a hat.
Now you're wearing a hat,
it's like I wouldn't
even rape you.
Hello, boys.
I would like to inform you all
that I am in possession
of a con-dahm,
and I would like to have sex
with one of you for pleasure,
not for children.
Sorry, Lillian.
Missed your window.
Besides, this
is not a good time.
We're watching slides
of our freshman year
Harvard-Yale game.
Oh, God, I hope we win.
Get!
- Ah!
- Touchdown!
- Yeah!
- Ha-ha-ha!
Hi.
Would you like
to have sex for pleasure?
I'm engaged
to a Rockefeller.
Touchdown!
Sex for pleasure?
I am also engaged
to a Rockefeller.
Oh!
Hi. Let's have sex.
Oh, uh,
no, thank you.
What do you mean,
no, thank you?
Here's the thing.
You're not really my type.
Uh, I mean, I could maybe
see you as a cool, older friend
or something,
but as a Harvard man,
I tend to go
for younger, hotter women.
Oh!
No.
Yes!
Wait!
Stop schlittschuhlaufen away!
Beatrice.
Most people live
their entire lives
und they never get
this moment.
You cannot allow this
to happen to a mind like yours.
Ah, Beatrice.
Is the mustard and
beans bell broken?
We're hungry in there.
Why are you still talking
to this unkempt foreigner?
Because she is saying
she is leaving with me.
Leaving?
With me?
With Albert Einstein.
You can't leave me.
Sure, I don't live here,
and we hardly ever
see each other,
and I'm married
to another woman,
but you can't leave me.
I need you, Beatrice.
Did you know that sometimes
dogs can be horses
but horses
can never be dogs?
What is this you're saying?
I don't know.
I never know.
I like marshmallows.
I also enjoy a good 'mallow.
I see.
You are pretending
to be stupid
so that you can stay
with this idiot.
Hey, I went
to Harvard.
Well...
then I guess it's
auf Wiedersehen, meine Liebchen.
Sauerkraut to you too.
Well, my matchmaking
was a bit of a bust,
but I have another idea
of who can wed Blanche.
Dr. Goldberg.
- Yes.
- I think I may have solved
your little immigration problem.
You can stay in this country
by marrying Blanche the servant.
Now, which one is Blanche?
Is that the black girl?
Dr. Goldberg,
I'm surprised at you.
It's 1903.
The correct term is nigger.
I'll never make
that mistake twice.
Pie-faced gal,
woebegone eyes,
cloud of desperation
hovering above her,
destroyed body,
nine months pregnant.
Yes, yes, I call her
Shattered Sally in my head.
You know what?
Of course I'll marry her.
You've been a wonderful friend
to me, Mr. Peepers,
a wonderful friend indeed,
and I'm "sore-ry"
I ever doubted you.
Oh, no, no, sir.
In this country,
we say "sorry."
If you're going to be
an American,
act like an American;
shoot someone, do something.
Yes, steal some land
from the Indians.
Ha-ha-ha!
How dare you.
I'm "sore-ry."
I'm "sore-ry."
I'm sorry.
I'm "sore-ry."
I'm "sore-ry."
Garfield.
Remove this from my sight.
I shall dispose
of it at once.
Oh, unless you'd like
to use it with me.
What?
Please, Ms. Lillian,
use your condom with me.
Have nude relations
with me.
You're ever so arousing.
Garfield, this is
completely inappropriate.
Well, I can't
control myself.
Garfield, I will never
have sex with you.
Never!
You're a servant,
and I'm a queen.
Please?
I can't blame you for trying,
but the answer is no.
Nothing makes me
feel more like myself
than crushing
someone's sex dreams.
A good servant always knows
what his master needs.
And McConnell,
who's the cornerback,
who's a big man,
he has the pigskin in his hand,
and he can see Gus Davis, who's
the tight end down the line.
I know.
I couldn't believe it either
when I first saw
or heard about it.
But he throws it, and the
pigskin sails through the air--
I'm sorry.
There's something
I have to do.
_