Another Period (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Servants' Disease - full transcript
What is assumed to be a contagion, most likely typhoid, has spread amongst the servants, quarantining their quarters and the kitchen downstairs in the process, leaving Peepers as the only unaffected servant left to tend to the needs of the Bellacourts. When news spreads within the manor that the press is coming to cover the event, Lillian wants to be seen as front and center in tending to the servants from a safe distance so that she can be front page news. In the process, Lillian accidentally gets trapped and ends up being quarantined with the servants. In her confinement with the servants in what will end most likely in death with them, Lillian may truly come to a "downstairs" perspective of life in the manor. Meanwhile, Victor, Albert and the Marquis de Sainsbury have formed a barbershop trio which will ultimately compete in the Boston Barberfest in a week's time. Arguing amongst themselves, they come up with what they believe is the definitive method to determine who will sing lead. And Beatrice has traveled to Washington DC to show off her new boyfriend, Dick Firestone, to Frederick and Celery. In the process, the four come to unofficial arrangements on their interrelationships, with Frederick and Beatrice testing their new status as just friends.
Contagious.
We must contain this pandemic.
- Contagious.
- Contagious.
- Contagious.
- Contagious.
- Contagious.
- Contagious.
Contagious.
Everyone stay back! Stay back, damn you!
Excuse me, sir, but I'm afraid we must
quarantine the downstairs.
We're having a tiny outbreak situation.
The cook and staff have
"beshitted" most of the kitchen.
Oh, those poor people!
You mean, "Oh, those poor people."
I'm telling you, Daddy, it's high time
we got one of those
modern, new flamethrowers
and burnt that
whole downstairs to a crisp.
Maybe then they can make a crème brûlée
that doesn't taste like snot!
How can you think about dessert
at a time like this?
I just finished my entree,
what else am I supposed to think about?
Well, as a proud "Grey Lady"
of the Red Cross
Volunteers Corp,
I'll be going downstairs
to save those poor souls.
Well, the only thing
I'm interested in saving
is the family fortune
and my rear virginity...
for second marriage.
That's my baby girl.
Peepers, whatever we do,
lets do it quietly.
I'm afraid the Lookie-Loos
already sniffing about.
The newspaper's here?
Well, then, lets save these
poor souls in their final hours!
The last thing those poor people need
- is you, Lillian!
- No, I'm going to do that.
The last thing they need is you!
Your disease is more
rampant than theirs is!
- I am certified to deal with it!
- I'm winning.
How are you sleeping?
Kill him first!
Identify yourself, state your price
and then write to my father
and ask him for that price!
Frederick, it's me.
Oh, hello, Beatrice.
I was just having
the most delicious dream
about a bear with human hands.
What the hell are you doing here?
Well, I wanted to tell you
the good news.
Father set me up with a suitor
and I think I like him.
You travelled 12 hours by train,
broke into our house, into our room,
and all that just to say
you met someone?
No, that's ridiculous.
We travelled by carriage
and it took two weeks.
Anyway, his name is Dick
and he's the president
of the Pinta Yacht Club.
- He's the president?
- Mm-hmm.
Darn it, I'm only the vice president.
You're vice president
of the United States.
You don't have to rub it in my face.
All right, enough, Beatrice,
it's time for you to leave.
Freddie has got a country to run.
Ohh, okay. Bye, Beatrice.
Well, can't wait to meet
your new friend.
- Now, ta-ta.
- You mean it, Celery?
- A double date?
- Uh, not... not really.
We can do it tonight!
I'm at the hotel
across from the penis monument.
Oh, Beatrice, I made a similar mistake.
It's actually called
the Washington Penis.
Oh, okay. Celery...
you're the best sister in the world!
Okay. Oh, no. Oh... ohh.
I'll see you tonight.
Bye, Freddie.
Did she say you were
officially sisters now?
May God bless you
and keep you, my child.
Heiress coming through.
Oh, if it isn't Brussels Sheridan
of the Lookie-Loos Society Pages.
If it isn't Lillian Bellacourt.
Would you like to get
a few photographic stills of me?
I could grab one of these near dead
in the better lighting. Oh, yes!
Excuse me, we're taking a picture!
Lady of the house speaking.
Everyone come close,
we're gonna do a little
"photo-graph."
Oh. Oh!
- On three.
- All right, everyone, ready?
One, two, three!
Un, deux...
un, deux, trois, quatre.
He's doing it again!
- He's doing it again!
- What?
- Hello. Hello.
- What'd I do?
Stop manjacking like a bunch
of Baltimore Slavics.
We are the Gentlemen Callers, please.
The Boston Barber-Fest is next week.
It's where the Dandy Dollops
got their start!
That's why I suggest that I do the solo
because I am the face
of contemporary barber shop.
You are the face of a sad
and pathetic man.
Oh, well, in that case,
I'm the face of you.
So how exactly did you two meet again?
Oh, it's such a funny story.
- Do you want to tell it?
- No, you tell it.
- Okay, we'll both tell it.
- Yes.
The Commodore was doing a business deal
with my father, Admiral Firestone...
Mm-hmm and he thought I would
make a fruitful bargaining chip.
So, as luck would have it,
he said that in exchange
for my family's oil rights
in Nova Scotia...
Commodore would give him his opal mines,
$750,000 worth of gold bullion...
And his tallest daughter
who just happens to be...
Beatrice!
My father heard that and he said, "Sold!
"You can't put a price
on opal these days."
I hate water.
Tastes like my mouth.
Next!
Get out of here, Lillian!
- You're burning the servants.
- No,
I'm the one who's gonna slop these hogs.
There's a typhoid epidemic
going on here, Lillian,
- so I suggest you move over.
- No!
I'm more compassionate
than you, you sloth..
The sloth is the gentlest
of the South American Pilosa
genus of placental mammals.
So I'll take it as a compliment.
Take it however you wish, just move!
Oh, you like to push?
How about a push
from a certified Grey Lady?
Contagious! Contagious!
Everyone, hold your breath!
- Infected patient...
- No!
Please step behind the partition.
No, no, if I'm going to be infected,
it would be from
a rich person's disease.
Like gold poisoning
or a governor's rash,
not... not typhoid.
Contagious. Contagious.
So, what I'm dying to know is
how did you two meet?
Fredrick, would you
like to tell the story?
No, it's boring and I don't remember it.
Oh, soup!
Aah! Hot! Hot! Mouth!
Ooh, soup fools me every time.
You know I feel a bit
of a headache coming on.
Perhaps I'll go walk the gardens.
- Get some fresh air.
- Okay, bye.
Oh! Can I have your dessert
if it gets here before you come back?
Excuse me.
Should someone go and check
and see if she's unwell?
Oh, I would, but I don't want to miss
my soup at its ideal temperature.
I'll just go check
and see how she's doing.
Okay, bye.
Aah! Still hot!
Still so hot! Come here.
- Better?
- Uhhuh.
Okay, no one is supposed
to come close to this line.
Do you understand?
Everyone away.
Give Miss Lillian some space
for God's sakes!
No one's even coming near her.
This must be some kind of mistake.
I-I can't catch
the same disease as servants.
I mean, we're practically
not even the same species.
You don't catch a fever from a horse.
You don't acquire
an immune deficiency virus
from a monkey. Over the line!
Everyone just leave her be!
Poor, Lillian! Poor, Lillian!
Mind if I join your constitutional?
Oh, I would be delighted.
I have to say, it's nice
to spend a moment with an adult.
Trouble in paradise?
Oh, it's Fredrick.
He can just be so childish.
He doesn't know how soup works,
he's convinced he's got a twin brother
who lives in the mirror,
he's afraid of clouds.
Sometimes I wish I had met
a proper gentleman,
- like yourself.
- Oh...
I'm afraid I'm no gentleman.
I have a confession to make, Celery.
The only reason
I came out here was to...
bend you over in the woods.
Oh, Dick.
Garfield, who are all these people?
Well, that's Connie, the chef,
and that's Quincy, the coal shoveler,
and that's Pearl, she was your wet nurse
and your primary companion for
the first 19 years of your life.
Huh.
And... and what about that
little woman. What does she do?
She kills and plucks the egrets
for the feather collars of your stoles.
You mean, without her
my collar would just be...
- a plain collar?
- Yes, ma'am.
What about my bowel movements
that magically disappear by morning?
Well, I'm proud to say,
I remove those myself.
But there's always a little note
saying they've taken
a "stroll to Brown Town"
with a caricature in a top hat.
Oh.
All these years I knew
you were "serve-ants,"
but it never occurred to me that
you were "serve-people."
Mmm.
Double dates are so much more
fun when its just two people.
Mm-hmm. And how delightful
that we can be in such
a romantic setting
and not even think about
getting back together?
That's so true.
- Mm-hmm.
- We are just friends now.
Mm-hmm.
See? It just feels so normal.
Yes, it's like playing a game of chess
or being pen pals.
Oh, call me Mr. Buttfingers,
I've gotten chocolate
all over your face.
- Shall I lick it off?
- Oh, well...
- As a friend.
- I think that would be fine,
- but only as a friend.
- Of course.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm. That felt so normal.
Mm-hmm.
It was almost like kissing, though.
Oh, yes.
Okay, I have a silly question for you.
- Yes?
- Is there such a thing
- as friends who kiss?
- Hmm. Sure there are.
- They're called "pecking pals."
- Oh.
Yes, they're all the rage in Boise.
- Hmm.
- Shall we try?
- I think that would be fine.
- Okay.
I felt nothing.
Delightful.
Should we try once more with tongue?
- Mm-hmm. Yes.
- Okay.
Oh, Dick,
you're such a man. Such an adult.
Oh, I'm a man, alright.
Guess how many shipping concerns
- I'm responsible for.
- How many?
- Two.
- Oh, tell me more!
Do you have important
responsibilities at your job?
Oh, extremely important.
I often have many people relying on me
- and never have time for myself.
- Don't stop!
- Keep going!
- Sometimes...
I work... through... lunch!
Ohh...
If I might be so bold,
I hope your typhoid death
is swift and painless.
- Do you have a name?
- Ethany.
Oh, that's unfortunate.
Better name you could've
made some friends.
I'm sure you're right, Miss.
Don't matter much now, though...
seeing as we're gonna die soon anyway.
No! No, it can't be like this!
Garfield, everyone,
I want to get to know
each and every one of you.
And just so you know,
a rich person knowing you
is as good as going to heaven.
Well, the worst thing I've ever done
is suck the bone marrow
out of the old bones
reserved for the dogs.
Not Mayor Cutie's bones!
She needs that marrow
to prevent hip dysplasia!
Oh, well, I forgive you,
but don't let Mayor Cutie know,
she might not be as easy to forgive.
I was responsible
for the great fire of 1892.
That's how I lost my parents.
Hush, child, you've had your turn.
- Blanche?
- Huh?
I-I-I don't...
I-I've never done anything.
Such as I've never thrown anyone
down a flight of stairs...
for example.
Blanche, you're so boring.
I once stole a towel.
Well, my real sin is the time...
enamored with one of my coworkers...
Oh!
Off to make brown water.
Ohh!
Lillian, your turn.
My greatest sin...
Is not realizing that
some of the greatest people
I've ever known
were living right underneath me.
Oh, that and once I aborted a child
to fit into a dress.
Aww.
I'm hungry.
Let's not just lay here and die.
Let's prepare a last supper
and eat together as friends.
Yes, you heard her. Let's do it!
Ethany, prepare the gruel.
Flobelle, wash some spoons.
- Lillian...
- Oh, Garfield.
Some lines must never be crossed.
Today I became your sister,
but I'll always be...
- your master.
- Of course.
Of course! Of course!
Mm.
That is fun and it's great
and I like it.
Me, too.
But it isn't strange, is it?
- Hmm?
- I mean, we had chocolate
all over ourselves,
we had to get it off.
Yes, it would've been strange
to have left the chocolate on.
Chocolate isn't clothes.
Also, we bathed together all the time
- when we were babies.
- Exactly.
And we're the same people
we were back then.
- Mm-hmm.
- We're bathing as friends.
Bubble buddies.
What's wrong, buddy?
Oh, bathing always makes me so tense.
Oh, no, now I feel tense, too.
- Hmm.
- What are we going to do?
Maybe a warm glass of milk
could do the trick.
Oh, they're all dried up.
You've been gone a long time.
Hmm.
Well, the only other option
that I can think of
to relax me is sex, but...
Hmm...
Well, sex does always make me
feel more breezy.
- It does, doesn't it?
- Mm-hmm.
But...
- Can you fornicate as friends?
- Certainly.
Yeah, but as long
as it's just as friends.
Yes, just as friends.
- Coitus colleagues.
- I think I've heard of that.
I think I've heard of that, too.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Usually I eat every 35 minutes.
This has been really hard.
For you, Miss. I would be honored
if this were to be
my last Earthly chore.
Thank you, girl.
So this is gruel.
Never had gruel before, but...
Tastes amazing.
Overwhelming amount of menthol...
Mm.
It's like cigarette milk!
Oh, shit.
Good morrow servants and servant ladies,
we are the Gentlemen Callers
and we are here
to entertain and delight you
as you push off across the River Styx.
Oh, Lillian.
- You're here?
- Hard cheese indeed.
Awkward. Awkward moments.
Well, so, the short version,
every barber shop organization
has a front man.
And despite the harmony in our voices,
there's actually discord
as to who among us
should be that front man.
So we shall audition for you
and you shall cast your vote.
You the work-a-day, lack-witted,
unwashed and currently dying.
To give you an idea
- of my background...
- First of all, no one knows...
- I would like to...
- No, they...
- Probably, because...
- No, no, no.
I feel like it's only fair
that the baritone go first.
- Excuse me?
- What is it, child?
Maybe I could sing, sirs?
Oh, sorry, I know
you're all having a moment.
Here's my thing.
For me, I wanted to hear
the music, but all I heard
was you trying so hard.
- Ugh.
- These are actually...
I ha... I actually have tears of hatred.
Bad. Bad news all around.
With all due respect,
I think that's perhaps
why we are talented musicians
and you are dying of typhoid.
Read the room next time.
Just read the room.
'Cause you killed this room.
This side of the room is dying.
Oh, no! Someone... Someone get a doctor!
Jaunt away. Jaunt away!
Jaunt! Jaunt! Jaunt! Jaunt!
We're all gonna die!
Tell me your five-year plan!
It... involves... diversification.
- Don't look away.
- I won't.
- Don't look away.
- I never look away.
- Yes!
- You eat dirt.
You eat dirt. That's a dirty girl.
Aah!
Oh. Oh, my God.
- Whoo, that's good.
- That was good.
Get water. She needs water.
Attention, I bring the doctor with news.
Right, how is everyone feeling?
Don't know why I ask.
I could've asked my nose.
So, good news,
you just have food poisoning.
It's pretty uncomfortable,
but not fatal at all.
So you're all going to live.
I've already taken the liberty
of burning your possessions
as a precaution and I'm docking you each
a month's worth of pay
for laying about on the job.
Back to work!
And, Miss, in spite of my terrible name,
I did make a friend and her name...
is Lillian.
Oh.
Oh, dear, how I've missed you.
What have you two been up to
since we were gone?
- Oh, just friend stuff.
- Yes.
- Us, too.
- Oh!
How wonderful.
Thank God we can all be friends.
Mm-hmm.
I never realized how easy
being friends is.
Now I can have Fredrick and Dick.
Ethany!
Ethany!
Yes, ma'am?
Ethany, remember that meal we shared?
Well, I've developed a bit
of a taste for that fever gruel.
Would you go fetch me a bowl?
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, and, girl, make it two bowls.
One for me and one for yourself.
Yes, ma'am!
- Oh, girl.
- Yes, ma'am?
Actually, I'll take both bowls.
I'm really hungry.
Yes, ma'am.
We must contain this pandemic.
- Contagious.
- Contagious.
- Contagious.
- Contagious.
- Contagious.
- Contagious.
Contagious.
Everyone stay back! Stay back, damn you!
Excuse me, sir, but I'm afraid we must
quarantine the downstairs.
We're having a tiny outbreak situation.
The cook and staff have
"beshitted" most of the kitchen.
Oh, those poor people!
You mean, "Oh, those poor people."
I'm telling you, Daddy, it's high time
we got one of those
modern, new flamethrowers
and burnt that
whole downstairs to a crisp.
Maybe then they can make a crème brûlée
that doesn't taste like snot!
How can you think about dessert
at a time like this?
I just finished my entree,
what else am I supposed to think about?
Well, as a proud "Grey Lady"
of the Red Cross
Volunteers Corp,
I'll be going downstairs
to save those poor souls.
Well, the only thing
I'm interested in saving
is the family fortune
and my rear virginity...
for second marriage.
That's my baby girl.
Peepers, whatever we do,
lets do it quietly.
I'm afraid the Lookie-Loos
already sniffing about.
The newspaper's here?
Well, then, lets save these
poor souls in their final hours!
The last thing those poor people need
- is you, Lillian!
- No, I'm going to do that.
The last thing they need is you!
Your disease is more
rampant than theirs is!
- I am certified to deal with it!
- I'm winning.
How are you sleeping?
Kill him first!
Identify yourself, state your price
and then write to my father
and ask him for that price!
Frederick, it's me.
Oh, hello, Beatrice.
I was just having
the most delicious dream
about a bear with human hands.
What the hell are you doing here?
Well, I wanted to tell you
the good news.
Father set me up with a suitor
and I think I like him.
You travelled 12 hours by train,
broke into our house, into our room,
and all that just to say
you met someone?
No, that's ridiculous.
We travelled by carriage
and it took two weeks.
Anyway, his name is Dick
and he's the president
of the Pinta Yacht Club.
- He's the president?
- Mm-hmm.
Darn it, I'm only the vice president.
You're vice president
of the United States.
You don't have to rub it in my face.
All right, enough, Beatrice,
it's time for you to leave.
Freddie has got a country to run.
Ohh, okay. Bye, Beatrice.
Well, can't wait to meet
your new friend.
- Now, ta-ta.
- You mean it, Celery?
- A double date?
- Uh, not... not really.
We can do it tonight!
I'm at the hotel
across from the penis monument.
Oh, Beatrice, I made a similar mistake.
It's actually called
the Washington Penis.
Oh, okay. Celery...
you're the best sister in the world!
Okay. Oh, no. Oh... ohh.
I'll see you tonight.
Bye, Freddie.
Did she say you were
officially sisters now?
May God bless you
and keep you, my child.
Heiress coming through.
Oh, if it isn't Brussels Sheridan
of the Lookie-Loos Society Pages.
If it isn't Lillian Bellacourt.
Would you like to get
a few photographic stills of me?
I could grab one of these near dead
in the better lighting. Oh, yes!
Excuse me, we're taking a picture!
Lady of the house speaking.
Everyone come close,
we're gonna do a little
"photo-graph."
Oh. Oh!
- On three.
- All right, everyone, ready?
One, two, three!
Un, deux...
un, deux, trois, quatre.
He's doing it again!
- He's doing it again!
- What?
- Hello. Hello.
- What'd I do?
Stop manjacking like a bunch
of Baltimore Slavics.
We are the Gentlemen Callers, please.
The Boston Barber-Fest is next week.
It's where the Dandy Dollops
got their start!
That's why I suggest that I do the solo
because I am the face
of contemporary barber shop.
You are the face of a sad
and pathetic man.
Oh, well, in that case,
I'm the face of you.
So how exactly did you two meet again?
Oh, it's such a funny story.
- Do you want to tell it?
- No, you tell it.
- Okay, we'll both tell it.
- Yes.
The Commodore was doing a business deal
with my father, Admiral Firestone...
Mm-hmm and he thought I would
make a fruitful bargaining chip.
So, as luck would have it,
he said that in exchange
for my family's oil rights
in Nova Scotia...
Commodore would give him his opal mines,
$750,000 worth of gold bullion...
And his tallest daughter
who just happens to be...
Beatrice!
My father heard that and he said, "Sold!
"You can't put a price
on opal these days."
I hate water.
Tastes like my mouth.
Next!
Get out of here, Lillian!
- You're burning the servants.
- No,
I'm the one who's gonna slop these hogs.
There's a typhoid epidemic
going on here, Lillian,
- so I suggest you move over.
- No!
I'm more compassionate
than you, you sloth..
The sloth is the gentlest
of the South American Pilosa
genus of placental mammals.
So I'll take it as a compliment.
Take it however you wish, just move!
Oh, you like to push?
How about a push
from a certified Grey Lady?
Contagious! Contagious!
Everyone, hold your breath!
- Infected patient...
- No!
Please step behind the partition.
No, no, if I'm going to be infected,
it would be from
a rich person's disease.
Like gold poisoning
or a governor's rash,
not... not typhoid.
Contagious. Contagious.
So, what I'm dying to know is
how did you two meet?
Fredrick, would you
like to tell the story?
No, it's boring and I don't remember it.
Oh, soup!
Aah! Hot! Hot! Mouth!
Ooh, soup fools me every time.
You know I feel a bit
of a headache coming on.
Perhaps I'll go walk the gardens.
- Get some fresh air.
- Okay, bye.
Oh! Can I have your dessert
if it gets here before you come back?
Excuse me.
Should someone go and check
and see if she's unwell?
Oh, I would, but I don't want to miss
my soup at its ideal temperature.
I'll just go check
and see how she's doing.
Okay, bye.
Aah! Still hot!
Still so hot! Come here.
- Better?
- Uhhuh.
Okay, no one is supposed
to come close to this line.
Do you understand?
Everyone away.
Give Miss Lillian some space
for God's sakes!
No one's even coming near her.
This must be some kind of mistake.
I-I can't catch
the same disease as servants.
I mean, we're practically
not even the same species.
You don't catch a fever from a horse.
You don't acquire
an immune deficiency virus
from a monkey. Over the line!
Everyone just leave her be!
Poor, Lillian! Poor, Lillian!
Mind if I join your constitutional?
Oh, I would be delighted.
I have to say, it's nice
to spend a moment with an adult.
Trouble in paradise?
Oh, it's Fredrick.
He can just be so childish.
He doesn't know how soup works,
he's convinced he's got a twin brother
who lives in the mirror,
he's afraid of clouds.
Sometimes I wish I had met
a proper gentleman,
- like yourself.
- Oh...
I'm afraid I'm no gentleman.
I have a confession to make, Celery.
The only reason
I came out here was to...
bend you over in the woods.
Oh, Dick.
Garfield, who are all these people?
Well, that's Connie, the chef,
and that's Quincy, the coal shoveler,
and that's Pearl, she was your wet nurse
and your primary companion for
the first 19 years of your life.
Huh.
And... and what about that
little woman. What does she do?
She kills and plucks the egrets
for the feather collars of your stoles.
You mean, without her
my collar would just be...
- a plain collar?
- Yes, ma'am.
What about my bowel movements
that magically disappear by morning?
Well, I'm proud to say,
I remove those myself.
But there's always a little note
saying they've taken
a "stroll to Brown Town"
with a caricature in a top hat.
Oh.
All these years I knew
you were "serve-ants,"
but it never occurred to me that
you were "serve-people."
Mmm.
Double dates are so much more
fun when its just two people.
Mm-hmm. And how delightful
that we can be in such
a romantic setting
and not even think about
getting back together?
That's so true.
- Mm-hmm.
- We are just friends now.
Mm-hmm.
See? It just feels so normal.
Yes, it's like playing a game of chess
or being pen pals.
Oh, call me Mr. Buttfingers,
I've gotten chocolate
all over your face.
- Shall I lick it off?
- Oh, well...
- As a friend.
- I think that would be fine,
- but only as a friend.
- Of course.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm. That felt so normal.
Mm-hmm.
It was almost like kissing, though.
Oh, yes.
Okay, I have a silly question for you.
- Yes?
- Is there such a thing
- as friends who kiss?
- Hmm. Sure there are.
- They're called "pecking pals."
- Oh.
Yes, they're all the rage in Boise.
- Hmm.
- Shall we try?
- I think that would be fine.
- Okay.
I felt nothing.
Delightful.
Should we try once more with tongue?
- Mm-hmm. Yes.
- Okay.
Oh, Dick,
you're such a man. Such an adult.
Oh, I'm a man, alright.
Guess how many shipping concerns
- I'm responsible for.
- How many?
- Two.
- Oh, tell me more!
Do you have important
responsibilities at your job?
Oh, extremely important.
I often have many people relying on me
- and never have time for myself.
- Don't stop!
- Keep going!
- Sometimes...
I work... through... lunch!
Ohh...
If I might be so bold,
I hope your typhoid death
is swift and painless.
- Do you have a name?
- Ethany.
Oh, that's unfortunate.
Better name you could've
made some friends.
I'm sure you're right, Miss.
Don't matter much now, though...
seeing as we're gonna die soon anyway.
No! No, it can't be like this!
Garfield, everyone,
I want to get to know
each and every one of you.
And just so you know,
a rich person knowing you
is as good as going to heaven.
Well, the worst thing I've ever done
is suck the bone marrow
out of the old bones
reserved for the dogs.
Not Mayor Cutie's bones!
She needs that marrow
to prevent hip dysplasia!
Oh, well, I forgive you,
but don't let Mayor Cutie know,
she might not be as easy to forgive.
I was responsible
for the great fire of 1892.
That's how I lost my parents.
Hush, child, you've had your turn.
- Blanche?
- Huh?
I-I-I don't...
I-I've never done anything.
Such as I've never thrown anyone
down a flight of stairs...
for example.
Blanche, you're so boring.
I once stole a towel.
Well, my real sin is the time...
enamored with one of my coworkers...
Oh!
Off to make brown water.
Ohh!
Lillian, your turn.
My greatest sin...
Is not realizing that
some of the greatest people
I've ever known
were living right underneath me.
Oh, that and once I aborted a child
to fit into a dress.
Aww.
I'm hungry.
Let's not just lay here and die.
Let's prepare a last supper
and eat together as friends.
Yes, you heard her. Let's do it!
Ethany, prepare the gruel.
Flobelle, wash some spoons.
- Lillian...
- Oh, Garfield.
Some lines must never be crossed.
Today I became your sister,
but I'll always be...
- your master.
- Of course.
Of course! Of course!
Mm.
That is fun and it's great
and I like it.
Me, too.
But it isn't strange, is it?
- Hmm?
- I mean, we had chocolate
all over ourselves,
we had to get it off.
Yes, it would've been strange
to have left the chocolate on.
Chocolate isn't clothes.
Also, we bathed together all the time
- when we were babies.
- Exactly.
And we're the same people
we were back then.
- Mm-hmm.
- We're bathing as friends.
Bubble buddies.
What's wrong, buddy?
Oh, bathing always makes me so tense.
Oh, no, now I feel tense, too.
- Hmm.
- What are we going to do?
Maybe a warm glass of milk
could do the trick.
Oh, they're all dried up.
You've been gone a long time.
Hmm.
Well, the only other option
that I can think of
to relax me is sex, but...
Hmm...
Well, sex does always make me
feel more breezy.
- It does, doesn't it?
- Mm-hmm.
But...
- Can you fornicate as friends?
- Certainly.
Yeah, but as long
as it's just as friends.
Yes, just as friends.
- Coitus colleagues.
- I think I've heard of that.
I think I've heard of that, too.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Usually I eat every 35 minutes.
This has been really hard.
For you, Miss. I would be honored
if this were to be
my last Earthly chore.
Thank you, girl.
So this is gruel.
Never had gruel before, but...
Tastes amazing.
Overwhelming amount of menthol...
Mm.
It's like cigarette milk!
Oh, shit.
Good morrow servants and servant ladies,
we are the Gentlemen Callers
and we are here
to entertain and delight you
as you push off across the River Styx.
Oh, Lillian.
- You're here?
- Hard cheese indeed.
Awkward. Awkward moments.
Well, so, the short version,
every barber shop organization
has a front man.
And despite the harmony in our voices,
there's actually discord
as to who among us
should be that front man.
So we shall audition for you
and you shall cast your vote.
You the work-a-day, lack-witted,
unwashed and currently dying.
To give you an idea
- of my background...
- First of all, no one knows...
- I would like to...
- No, they...
- Probably, because...
- No, no, no.
I feel like it's only fair
that the baritone go first.
- Excuse me?
- What is it, child?
Maybe I could sing, sirs?
Oh, sorry, I know
you're all having a moment.
Here's my thing.
For me, I wanted to hear
the music, but all I heard
was you trying so hard.
- Ugh.
- These are actually...
I ha... I actually have tears of hatred.
Bad. Bad news all around.
With all due respect,
I think that's perhaps
why we are talented musicians
and you are dying of typhoid.
Read the room next time.
Just read the room.
'Cause you killed this room.
This side of the room is dying.
Oh, no! Someone... Someone get a doctor!
Jaunt away. Jaunt away!
Jaunt! Jaunt! Jaunt! Jaunt!
We're all gonna die!
Tell me your five-year plan!
It... involves... diversification.
- Don't look away.
- I won't.
- Don't look away.
- I never look away.
- Yes!
- You eat dirt.
You eat dirt. That's a dirty girl.
Aah!
Oh. Oh, my God.
- Whoo, that's good.
- That was good.
Get water. She needs water.
Attention, I bring the doctor with news.
Right, how is everyone feeling?
Don't know why I ask.
I could've asked my nose.
So, good news,
you just have food poisoning.
It's pretty uncomfortable,
but not fatal at all.
So you're all going to live.
I've already taken the liberty
of burning your possessions
as a precaution and I'm docking you each
a month's worth of pay
for laying about on the job.
Back to work!
And, Miss, in spite of my terrible name,
I did make a friend and her name...
is Lillian.
Oh.
Oh, dear, how I've missed you.
What have you two been up to
since we were gone?
- Oh, just friend stuff.
- Yes.
- Us, too.
- Oh!
How wonderful.
Thank God we can all be friends.
Mm-hmm.
I never realized how easy
being friends is.
Now I can have Fredrick and Dick.
Ethany!
Ethany!
Yes, ma'am?
Ethany, remember that meal we shared?
Well, I've developed a bit
of a taste for that fever gruel.
Would you go fetch me a bowl?
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, and, girl, make it two bowls.
One for me and one for yourself.
Yes, ma'am!
- Oh, girl.
- Yes, ma'am?
Actually, I'll take both bowls.
I'm really hungry.
Yes, ma'am.