Another Period (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Pageant - full transcript

[sharp whoosh]

(Beatrice)
Mother, I came in second again.

Out of two.

Oh, so very proud of you, dear.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[thud]

You're splashing about
like a mermaid.

That will do, Sloppy Sally.

You girls should stop
playing tennis

and take up air weaponry.



Exercise dries the womb
and gives you bicycle face.

What's bicycle face?

A hideous byproduct of exertion

that causes a woman's face to
contort and her eyes to bulge.

[bell dings]

Ha!

See?
Bicycle face.

(Hortense)
Mother, are you aware

that the Newport's
Most Beautiful pageant

is being hosted in our home,

and I had to read about it
in the Looky Loo to find out?

Hore, we always host
the pageant.

I'm not talking
about the vegetable competition.

I'm not anti-entertainment.



But they have opened
the pageant up to humans.

A human beauty pageant?

That's absurd.

Only cabbages should
be judged on their beauty.

Let me see that.

It says it right here.

Newport's Most Beautiful
pageant

is now going to be a competition

between cabbages,
women, and babies.

It's dehumanizing!

In my day, a woman was judged

only on her fertility, silence,

and threshold for pain.

The winner is to appear
on a biscuit tin.

- I'll enter.
- Me too.

I can't wait till we win.

Beatrice,
only one of us can win,

and we both know
your head shape

cannot support a tiara.

I am not going to stand by

and allow this vulgarity
to occur.

[eagle screeches]

[sharp whoosh]

[eagle screams]

Ha-ha!

Majestic no more!

[hip-hop music]

This is the most important
week of your lives.

Our service must be peerless.

We can have
no more abominations,

like today's
table cloth-tastrophy.

(Peepers)
Look at this.

A champagne stain as big as
a brood mare's birthing cannon.

Spilt by an unskilled
ham-fist.

Oh, I see it.

No, you don't.
There's nothing there.

What, have you got
shit in your eyes?

Enough.

(Peepers)
I blame myself.

Obviously I haven't
trained you properly.

Even a bull can give milk,
if you pump it hard enough.

Servants dismissed.

Chair.

Stay.

(Frederick)
The pageant categories

are talent, bathing costumes,
and Q&A.

Q-nay?

Question and answer.

(Frederick)
Let's focus on talent.

What are you good at?

Everybody tells me
I'm good at everything.

Well, why don't we try singing?

Ooh, okay.

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪

[atonal moan]

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪

[atonal moan]

Do you know any more songs?

Oh, songs.

I thought we were
just making noises.

- Oh.
- How about this one?

[operatically]
O mio babbino caro...

Like that?

I can't decide.

I liked all of your songs
the same.

(Dr. Goldberg)
Scalpel.

(Victor)
Please don't let him die.

Never had a white man die
on my watch.

[squelching]

Ah.

Wow.

This competition
was Albert's baby.

(Victor) His vegetables won
Newport's Most Beautiful pageant

for the last five years.

This is last year's winner,

the Pink Surprise,

a sinful combination
of Scottish high potato

crossed with
a hothouse eggplant.

(Victor)
And this blue ribbon winner

is a daikon root
I call "Hop On It."

Look at that thing.

So proud of it.

I've decided to honor
Albert's legacy

by coaching the biggest
vegetable I know--

other than you, honey.

I'm speaking, of course,
about Lillian.

Which side do you think
is better for the biscuit tin?

The right or the left?

Is there a third choice?

Now, we need to choreograph
a dance if you want to win.

Maybe this biscuit tin
will be just the beginning.

Imagine my face on a milk jar,
or an oat sack.

I can only imagine your face
on a nut sack.

Isn't there
an award-winning cucumber

you could go sit on?

Listen, honey, there's not time

to break your nose
and reset it.

I'm telling you,
if you want to win,

I have to coach you.

I am a once-in-a-generation
beauty.

[scoffs]

Who on earth could beat me?

[sighs]

(Victor)
Literally all of them,

especially that cabbage.

Help me.

(Hortense) Now we all know this
pageant simply cannot proceed.

Here, here.

I propose one of us enter

and bring it down
from the inside.

Yes, but whom?

Whomever is the most
attractive, I suppose.

Well, Hortense,

you do have a stately brow

and businesslike
shoulder blades.

Thank you.

And Cornetta,
your unfortunate gum line

is barely noticeable due to
the stoutness of your carriage.

Thank you.

And Abortion Deb,

your hair is the color
of baked bread.

Oh, thank you.

And Eunice, your body's
as pale as tooth powder.

Thank you.

But ultimately, I do believe

it is Hortense
who is the most comely.

(Abortion Deb)
I agree.

Most people only have
one beauty mark,

but you have so, so many.

You are definitely
the comeliest.

You shall enter.

Being incredibly rich
means we can afford

any host we want.

But no one good was available,

so we got stuck
with Dan Ringling.

[applause]

♪ The Newport's Most Beautiful
pageant ♪

♪ Newport's Most Beautiful ♪

♪ Newport's most gay ♪

♪ Newport's Most Beautiful ♪

♪ It's happening today ♪

♪ Babies, cabbages, women,
whoa ♪

♪ Who will be the victor
of the show? ♪

[breathing heavily]

(Dan)
Babies, cabbages,

and beautiful women.

It's almost as if we're in
some sort of

weird pervert's sexual fantasy.

[jaunty piano music]

Good luck, Lillian.

Save your mind games, Beatrice.

Are you sure we shouldn't
have her "disqualified"?

Oh, she's a non-threat,

unless they're judging on
"looking confused,"

"incest,"
or "freestyle dummy talk."

Now let's ogle our next
human contestants.

Lillian Abigail Hitler
Schmemmerhorn-Fish!

Present and ready to win.

Miss Beatrice Tiffani
Ambitheissen Downsy.

[cheers and applause]

Also present.

And Miss Hortense
Jefferson Library Bellacourt.

[sparse applause]

(Dan) Even though there's 100%
certainty she will not win,

she is technically
a female adult

and, therefore,
is allowed to enter.

Are you kidding me?

Are you blind?

Let's get started
with the compulsories.

This way.

Okay, turn.

What are you doing here?

Fighting for women's
liberation.

Before I'm crowned the winner,

they must make sure
all the contestants

meet the barest standards
of human beauty.

This is a lot better
than having gone to college.

Now, remember,
we're looking for 32 teeth.

(Dan)
No yellows, no wooden.

See that?
Let me see that?

Excuse me.

(Scoops) For those who are
worthy of knowing me,

I am Scoops LePue.

I cover all things
whisper-worthy

in the Newport Looky Loo.

[applause]

Beatrice, if you please.

Lillian.

I'm fine!

[grunting]

Oh, come on now.

Ah!

The hips may try,
but the silhouette don't lie.

Masculine-jawed woman,

you are officially disqualified
from the competition.

Disgusting.

Please, I can get through.

Get out!

Give me another second.

(Dan)
A stick of butter?

Okay.

Destroyed my silhouette.

Let's go, let's go.

♪ billionaire, billionaire,
bitch, kiss the ring ♪

Your first lesson is,
you must learn

to blend into the walls
when a family member passes.

You must be as the chameleon,

servant of the desert.

Like this.

Do you see?

Service is a calling

from the Loudon Agency.

They take 10%,

which I will garnish
from your wages.

The lady of the house
approaches-- blend!

(Peepers)
Blend more.

(Chair)
I'm blending.

And release.

You are an abomination.

Wonderful.

Beautiful.

Well, we've seen the cabbages.

We've smelled the babies.

Now let's quiz the humans.

Please welcome Beatrice.

[applause]

Kiss for luck?

Oh.

Okay.

Ooh, a hard one.

What is your favorite
time of day?

[clock ticking]

Um...

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

I think I should ask a man.

(Dan) I can't think of a better
answer from a prettier gal.

It's like watching a dog talk.

A beautiful dog
that I'd like to penetrate.

And now Lillian.

[applause]

Just a kiss for luck?

I don't need luck.

Very well.

Pick a good question for you.

Nope, not that one.

Ah, here we are.

Given the passage
of the 1902 Organic Act

granting limited
self-government

to the people
of the Philippines,

what policies can engender
longtime maritime futures

in the region?

Please include
possible naval advances

of the Japanese in your answer.

What-- what kind
of question is that?

I want one like Beatrice got.

A little lippy,
not encouraging.

Judges?

Ugh!

What the hell was that?

You got cocky.

No one likes a confident woman.

We'll make up for it
in the swimsuit competition.

You've got that one cold.

I mean, who wants to see a tall,
leggy blonde in a swimsuit?

Not me.

You were the best out there.

- Oh, I loved it so much. And I got 10!
- You did!

Here.

Oh, no.

Oh, don't worry,
it's all vodka.

Oh.

Again.

[inspirational music]

No, again.

(Peepers)
Again.

(Dan)
♪ O Cabbages ♪

♪ Leafy cabbages ♪

(Peepers) - Again!
- [crying]

You pour champagne
like a chimpanzee.

Again!

Muriel the Baby.

[applause]

[Dan laughs]

You'll pour until
I tell you to stop.

- Oh, damn you!
- [crying] No, God!

Again, again, again!

(Dan)
♪ Swimsuits ♪

♪ 20th century swimsuits ♪

[applause]

- Again!
- I can't do it!

You can and you will!

(Dan)
Wonderful.

[applause]

Ow!

(Dan)
Okay.

Yes, Chair,
that's how you pour champagne.

Again.

[laughing]

Wonderful, Chair,
you've done it!

- All right, cut it out.
- Cut what out?

- You know what you're doing.
- I never know what I'm doing.

I barely know
what I'm saying right now.

Stop winning.
I'm supposed to get the crown!

Oh, what, I can't be better
than you at anything?

That's the dynamic that's
been working for us so far!

Well, I don't accept
that paradigm!

I'll see you
at the breakfast table.

I'll be the one smiling at you

from the inside
of a biscuit tin.

It's the outside
of a biscuit tin,

you human potato!

Egh!

Don't worry, my love.

We still have a lucky clover
up our sleeve.

Such delicious gruel today,
isn't it, Towel?

All right, you can have
a little bite.

Listen, everybody.

The pageant has filled
the porcelain with poopy.

Chair, the next chapter
in your training

is to transport the feces
to the ocean

throughout the festivities.

I'll help her.

No, I'm fine.

I can transport
the feces on my own.

It would be good
to have two people

on such an important task.

Yes, Hamish, go with her.

Great.

God, how much feces
can these people produce?

Whatever amount keeps you
gainfully employed.

How much further is the sea?

I ain't no mapmaker.

I don't stops walking

until the sea water
is in my nose.

[gagging]

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, not me.

[breathes deeply]

Reminds me of that time

we split guts at that
oceanside shanty.

That was some boning
for the ages, huh?

[retching]

Not in the feces!

The thought of us
makes you sick?

Everything about you
makes me sick.

- You want to push me, huh?
- No.

You want to push me?

I can make things
much worse for you here.

(woman)
Hello.

We need something from you.

Whoo!

Thank you, Cora.

I have never seen
a suitcase packed so fast.

Now, that is talent.

Up next is
the strangely angry Lillian.

(Victor)
With Albert still unconscious,

Lillian's abysmal performance

threatens to undo
Albert's winning streak.

Time to dust off
an old crowd-pleaser.

Aye, there.

Who has me potato?

Mick Face.

[laughter]

♪ I drink all night ♪

♪ I drink all day ♪

♪ I punch me wife
the Irish way ♪

Huh!

♪ Go to the bar,
spend all our quid ♪

♪ My wife stays home
and has another kid ♪

♪ Got ginger hair,
I'm a Catholic ♪

♪ I'm a drunk
potato-loving dirty Mick ♪

♪ O Danny Boy,
the alcohol is calling ♪

♪ It's saying I'm a pissed
old Paddy snout ♪

♪ And we won't win
our pointless war with England ♪

♪ And no one wants us here
so we should just get out ♪
♪

I don't know how
she manages to do it,

but Lillian is always
on the cutting edge of comedy.

[laughs]

♪ When God made me,
he was playing a trick ♪

♪ 'cause I'm a drunk,
potato-loving ♪

♪ wife-beating, bar-fighting,
ginger-haired ♪

♪ disgusting dirty Mick ♪

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Judges.

(Dan)
Two tens and-- oh, a zero,

from the esteemed gentleman
from Donegal.

Seemed to be a crowd-pleaser,
but we do need to be sensitive

to all the white races.

A zero?

(Victor)
Are you joshing me?

Oh, I'm sorry
if we offended you,

but we are just saying
what everyone is thinking.

Get him out of here!

No.

Lillian!

By any means necessary!

Do as we discussed!

Coach says show no mercy!

(Dan) Now the performance
from the beautiful Beatrice.

[applause]

[single note]

[operatically]
♪ O mio babbino Caro... ♪

[sharp whoosh]

[audience gasps]

Oh.

[mumbling]

[audience groans]

Majestic no more.

(Dan) It saddens me to say
that crowd-favorite Beatrice

is disqualified.

[squirting]

What happened?

Did I win?

No.

You were shot with a blow dart.

What?
Oh...

Did I at least sing good?

You were magnificent.

And even though
you were disqualified,

you're still
the apple of my penis.

[inspirational music]

Oh!

(Dan)
But the show must go on.

It's now down
to Lillian the Bitch,

Muriel the Baby,

and Old Glory the Cabbage.

If I were you, I would walk

your bowlegged little ass
out of here

and go back to your trash life.

Oh, that's right,
you can't walk.

[baby coos]

Can't talk yet either, huh?

What was that?

[baby cries]

[cries mockingly]

That biscuit tin is mine.

I'm gonna make you wish
you ended up

a puddle on your mother's face!

It's the moment we've
all been waiting for.

(Dan)
Who-- or what--

will be the winner of the 1902

Newport's Most Beautiful
pageant?

(Dan) You can feel the
tension in the air.

And the winner is...

[drum roll]

Due to a statistical anomaly,

Lillian Abigail Hitler
Schmemmerhorn-Fish.

[applause]

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[distorted]
What the hell?

[splatting]

Well, that was a bit
of a cock-up.

The only good news was,
I convinced

that gossip reporter
Scoops LePue

not to cover the debacle.

(Beatrice) I may have
lost, but I lost--

[mumbling]

Sorry, the drugs
from the blow dart

made me speak hard.

[exhales]

I just wanted
to ruin the pageant.

The fact that I got
to ruin my sister

was just a bonus.

(Hortense)
Scoops LePue, hi.

So nice to meet
a fellow writer.

Ooh, a woman writer.

What kind of cookbook
are you working on?

I may be a woman,
but I'm a real writer,

with family secrets
and no shame.

Take my card.

Use it wisely.

Do you need some help?

No, I'm fine--
get off me.

[door opens]

Albert!

Albert, we won!

Oh, it was magnificent.

(Victor) In the end, Lillian and
I both got what we deserved.

I won the trophy,
and she was doused in feces.

I wish you could
have been there.

- Hot dog, man, you did it.
- We did it.

Congratulations.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

How is he doing?

He seems to be improving
quite a bit.

Uh-huh.

- Mmm...
- [rings bell]

[operatic music]

♪ ♪

I won!

Only-- strange thing--
they decided not

to award the winner
of the pageant

the cover of the biscuit tin.

That's not me.